MSTed: Yull Brown's Gas (1/2)

[Bryan Lambert]

I stumbled across this posting while reading rec.toys.misc, and after visiting
the Web page, I couldn't resist.

I appreciate any and all honest feedback you all would be willing to share. I
did this for my own enjoyment, and to stretch the old writing muscles which have
been dormant for far too long; if it's crap, I'd like to know. :)

This was also my semi-successful (IMO) attempt to do a post-Laserblast MSTing.
Yes, getting our favorite riffers in the theater is almost as contrived as
getting Marissa on the bridge, but I think I'll be forgiven in the long run.

The following is a MSTing of a recent Usenet spam entitled "Yull Brown's Gas
Changing The World". Enjoy!

TWANG!
<Door Sequence, SOL Interior>

Five glowing lights hover above the desk.

ServoLight: Boy, it's cool being an omniscient energy being!
CrowLight: You know, I knew you were going to say that.
ServoLight: Oh yeah, former Pinbeak? If you're so smart, explain to me how,
despite the fact that you lack corporeal form, you still smell kinda like
stale cheese?
MikeLight: You know, I'm kind of hungry. Anyone want a sammich?
CrowLight: Me! Me!
TomLight: That sounds wonderful... wait. How are we gonna eat sammiches?
MikeLight: Er...

There are five "popping" sounds, and suddenly Mike, Crow, Tom, and Gypsy
appear.

Mike: I guess being omniscient does have its' disadvantages after all. (he
munches away for a couple of seconds, then a light flashes)

Gypsy: Transmission coming in! (she looks into a slightly oversized
SpockHood (tm Paramount 1968) Tracing... direction... it's from Earth! Oh
no! The Earth is doomed! We've got to do something!

Mike, Crow, and Tom crowd around the SpockHood (tm, Paramount) shoving each
other.

Mike: We can't all read it! Gypsy! Can you patch the transmittion through to
Cambot?

Gypsy: Already done!

Mike: Great! To the theater, guys! Earth must be saved!

[Door sequence]

========
>Newsgroups:
>rec.sport.pro-wrestling,rec.sport.rugby.union,rec.sport.skating.ice.figure,
>rec.sport.skating.inline,rec.sport.soccer,rec.sport.tennis,rec.toys.misc,
>rec.travel.air,rec.travel.asia,rec.travel.europe,rec.travel.usa-canada,
>rec.video.desktop,rec.video.production

Mike: What the...
Tom: This isn't a distress call, it's a Usenet spam! Gypsy!
Crow: Let's get out of here...
Mike: Uh, Crow? Remember? The time-lock on the theater door? The reason we
couldn't escape Red Zone Cuba? Looks like we're in this for the long haul.
Crow: Oh, man, it's a bug hunt! Game over, man!
Tom: Geez, Crow. You've been omniscient for the past couple of weeks, and
the first thing out of your mouth is Aliens?
Mike: Sssh. It's starting.

>Subject: Yull Brown's Gas changing the world

All: <snickering>
Mike: Now, normally, at this point, I'd caution you all about fart jokes,
but I think they've earned it. Let's try to keep it under a bakers' dozen,
though, OK?

>From: lts...@primenet.com (Lawrence Tseung)
>Date: 5 Jun 1996 09:54:01 -0700

Crow: Seems reasonable so far...

>What should a scientist do if he has a discovery that can bring
>immense benefit to the world but on the other hand, can destroy the
>world totally?

Crow: So much for "reasonable".
Mike: Is this a rhetorical question?
Tom: Sell out to the highest bidder?
Crow: Use it to oppress all those inferior to him?
Mike: Keep Bill Gates from finding out about it?

>Few of us have to make the above decision.

Tom: And most of them, oddly enough, work for Hostess.

>Prof. Yull Brown is one of
>the rare few who has to make such a decision.

Crow: Just flip a coin, Yull!
Tom: For a second there, I thought he said Yul Brenner.
Crow: "Prof. Yull Brown"? It sounds like a bad anagram.

>Should he share his discovery with the world? Should he
>just tell the world the beneficial
>side?

Tom: I hope he's not taking a poll. This is Usenet, after all.

> If he does that, would the "evil part of the human mind" from
>many other scientists figure out the destructive side?

Mike: You see, the left side of the brain controls intuition, feeling, and
creativity, while the evil side of the brain is devoted to figuring out
destructive uses for things.

>Many of us can laugh at the above scenario and say, "That is not my
>problem. It is fortunate that I am stupid and never need to make such
>a decision."

Tom [stilted]: Ha ha ha ha ha. That is not my problem.
Crow [stilted]: It is fortunate that I am stupid!
Mike: You know, in my experience, stupid people never go around saying that
they're stupid. They just finish up their "Voyager" spec script and go out
to dinner.

>Prof. Brown is facing such a scenario.

All: We KNOW, already!

>Whatever he does will be praised by some and cursed by many.

Mike: Damn that Prof. Brown! He bought bread!
Tom: That rat! How could he buy bread!
Crow: I think it was good of him to buy bread.
[Pause]
Crow: Huh! I guess he was right.

>His dilemma is being shared with the scientists who talked with him,
>read his articles, saw his experiments.

Tom: So, he decided to tell other scientists about it and published articles
about it.
Crow: So, his dilemma is pretty much over.
Tom: So, the whole introduction so far has been irrelevant.
Mike: Yup, pretty much.

>There have been hundreds of
>brilliant minds who saw the demonstrations.

Mike: Their laughter was heard around the world.

>In the demonstrations,
>only the beneficial side was stressed. However, it was obvious that
>such a powerful discovery could also destroy the world.

Tom: Only one demonstration of this effect was ever given.
Mike: If we find out they're talking about Didi-7, I'm piloting this thing
back to earth and personally kicking their hinders.

>Within 24 hours of seeing the demonstration, a person such as I with a
>degree in Physics but have not designed any nuclear weapons

Crow: Well, he's not much of a self-starter, is he?
Tom: It's a good thing the government goes around to college every year and
makes all the physics majors sign the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty.

>have
>figured out how to create a "cheap" nuclear bomb. A certain part my
>mind just could not resist the temptation.>

Crow: That would be the "evil" part mentioned above.
Tom: Hey, why is "cheap" in quotation marks?
Mike: Well, it's probably only cheap after the manufacturers rebate.

>When the world is still bent on killing and hurting each other (e.g.
>Middle East),

Crow: Or on American Gladiators...
Tom: Crow, American Gladiators is passe. Don't you mean "WMAC Masters"?
Mike: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, remember, in the Middle East, everyone's a
terrorist. This cultural stereotype has been brought to you by Ranting
Netkooks Amalgamated.

>such knowledge can be very dangerous.

Tom: Dangerous? All it does is destroy the world. Sheesh.

>The US Government
>is trying its best to stop the spread of nuclear weapons.

Crow: What with the seven-day waiting period on plutonium and all...

>However, what happens if that knowledge is well known and the raw
>material is easy to get. Should the US Government suppress such knowledge

Mike; But...if the knowledge is well-known, isn't it too late to suppress
it?
Tom: Let's face it, if this were real, it wouldn't be spammed to Usenet,
this guy would be in a locked room in DC with electrodes stuck to his...
Mike: We know, Servo.

>wiping out all the benefits that such a knowledge can bring to the human
>race?

Crow: What are the benefits of global destruction, anyway?
Mike: Well, Voyager would be off the air.
Crow: You've really got it in for that show, don't you?
Mike: Well, that Janeway thing really scarred me for life.
Crow: The "Proud Mary" bit you did?
Mike: No, when she turned into a salamander and had sex with Paris. Ugh.

>This is no longer a what-if question. This is REAL. Prof. Brown has
>been facing such a dilemma. His supporters (including myself) and the
>US Government are all facing the same dilemma now.

Crow: The US Government's solution to world destruction? Spam the "rec"
hierarchy from "sp" through "v"!

>Within our little heads, we have the knowledge to benefit or to destroy
>the entire human race.

All: Burst out laughing

>The Prayer

Mike: We've got to pray, just to make it today.

>I do not normally pray for Divine Guidance. In this situation, I did.
>The message came loud and clear - Share the secret with the world &

Tom: Ah. Let's see. CNN? No. The New York Times? No. A web page and a
partial Usenet spam? YES! Total global coverage!

>Promote Peace at every Opportunity.

Crow: Promote Correct capitalization Whenever posSible.
Mike: Promote peace by distributing information on how to destroy the world.
Tom: Hey, what would you do after the apocalypse?
Crow: Didn't we do that bit already?

>The secret can be found in:
>http://www.primenet.com/~ltseung/brown1.htm

Mike: That's a really loose definition of "secret".

>Please spread the information and the message of peace to the best of
>your capabilities. Thank you.

Crow: Spam Usenet where you work or bank!
<A loud clicking noise is heard>
Tom: There's the time lock guys, let's boogie!
Mike: Hm. Seems awfully convenient...
<door sequence>

Cut to interior SOL. Gypsy stands behind the desk, which is piled high with
equipment. Mike and 'bots enter, stage right.

Gypsy: OK, time to save the Earth!
Mike: Gypsy, that wasn't a distress call. It was some pseudo-scientific
ranting spammed to the Internet.
Gypsy: Are you sure?
Mike: Well, yes, I'm sure. We've seen this kind of thing before.
<Gypsy looks dejected>
Mike: It's OK, Gypsy. Everyone makes mistakes.
Gypsy: But now we won't get to do our training montage!
All: Training montage??? Cool! Hit it, Cambot!

Patriotic, militaristic music begins to play, as Cambot edits the next five
minutes into five-second vignettes. Clips are loaded. Unidentifiable stuff
is taped to other unidentifiable stuff. Many, many, many bandanas are tied
in a very, very, very manly manner around many, many, many body parts. Weird
karate moves are performed on inanimate dummies. Mike, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy
navigate rows of staggered tires. More bandanas are tied. Finally, in the
crowning moment, a series of stillframes of various and sundry motorcycle
parts is shown, culminating with a slow pan up Mike's ripped-jean-clad,
bandana-wrapped, over-beweaponed leg, torso, and finally head as he sits on
a giant, over-beweaponed Harley with Tom and Crow in the sidecar.

Mike: What most people call hell, we call home.
Tom: It's payback time.
Gypsy: Avenge... me... (falls over)
Crow: Nothin' spells lovin' like somethin' from our oven.
Mike: Let's ride.

They ride off-screen, stage right, engine rumbling. There is a loud "click"
like the one heard in the theater.
Mike (off-screen): Crow! What did you do with the door-prop! We're stuck
here!
Crow: Oh, uh, it's tied to one of my bandanas. I guess I got carried away.
Mike: Well, we might as well head to the theater before the electric shocks
start...

<door sequence>

[Roger M. Wilcox]

In article <4phhk6$a...@news.co.hennepin.mn.us>,

Bryan Lambert <bryan....@co.hennepin.mn.us> wrote:
>
>>Promote Peace at every Opportunity.
>
>Crow: Promote Correct capitalization Whenever posSible.
>Mike: Promote peace by distributing information on how to destroy the world.

This death ray is only to be used for PEACEFUL purposes!!

--
rog...@robadome.com (Roger M. Wilcox) - AKA - tra...@zoom.com (Jeff Boeing)
-------------+---- I'm not flying fast, just orbiting low -------------------
MSTie #38808 | http://www.zoom.com/personal/tracer: it's not just for
I'm Sodium! | breakfast anymore

[Wrandom]

Roger Wilcox wrote:
>
>In article <4phhk6$a...@news.co.hennepin.mn.us>,
>Bryan Lambert <bryan....@co.hennepin.mn.us> wrote:
>>
>>>Promote Peace at every Opportunity.
>>
>>Crow: Promote Correct capitalization Whenever posSible.
>>Mike: Promote peace by distributing information on how to destroy the
world.
>
>
>This death ray is only to be used for PEACEFUL purposes!!
>

Death ray, fiddlesticks! Why, it doesn't even slow them up!
~~ Chas Addams

~~ Rob

You have:
no tea
your gown (being worn)
It looks like your gown contains:
pocket fluff
a thing your aunt gave you which you don't know what it is