MiSTed: Galactic Federation Update May 5, 1998
craz...@bert.cnnw.net
This is my first MiSTing, so don't burn me at the stake if it's bad.
--
[SOL Bridge. Tom and Crow are behind the desk, Crow to the left of Tom. There
is a computer to the left of Crow. Mike is nowhere to be seen. We enter in the
middle of a conversation between the two 'bots.]
Crow: How about this: Draal uses his holographic projector to appear in
Sheridan and Delenn's bedroom. He wakes them up with his booming theatrical
voice and tells them to go through the time distortion in Sector 14. They take
a White Star there, but just before they enter the distortion, Draal uses the
Great Machine to turn it into a portal to another reality. So the White Star
goes into the time distortion and comes out of Deep Space Nine's wormhole! So
they hail DS9 and Sisko answers, who passes out because the Minbari on the
White Star are more alien than anything he's ever seen.
Tom: The problem with your crossovers is that they're all--
(The Mads light flashes)
Tom: Hold that thought. (Shouting) MIKE!!!
(Mike runs onto the bridge, wearing pajamas. His hair is mussed and he
generally looks as sleepy as Joel always did.)
Mike: (pushes the button) This better be important, Tom, it's three in the
morning...
[Castle Forrester. The Three Stooges are standing around]
Pearl: Hi Mike. Brain guy thought we should celebrate his victory over those
other pale faces by--
Bobo: Eating termites! (puts a termite-covered stick in his mouth)
(Pearl shoves the stick down Bobo's throat. He gags.)
Pearl: By tormenting you with the worst Usenet has to offer. I didn't want to
wake you, but he insisted...
Observer: Stop lying, you obese witch! We both know that you're the only one
who enjoys torturing him!
(Pearl punches Observer's brain)
Pearl: Shut up and send them the post!
Observer: (meekly, to Pearl) Yes, ma'am. (Turns to Mike) Your post is called
"Galactic Federation Update May 5, 1998", an incomprehensible piece of
supposed Divine Truth. You'd think God would have chosen an messanger who
didn't speak in New Age-isms. Have fun!
(Observer concentrates)
[SOL Bridge. Lights are flashing.]
All: We've got net.kook sign!
[Dog bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Theater. Mike enters, carrying Tom. Crow is right
behind them.]
> Subject: Galactic Federation Update May 5, 1998
Mike: (as he puts Tom in his seat) This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of the
Federation Starship Enterprise. Do you have any tea?
> From: wspu...@facstaff.wisc.edu (paladin)
Mike: Paladin, Defender of the Faith.
Tom: Just like Henry VIII.
Crow: And Doctor Zaius.
> Date: 1998/05/06
> Message-ID: <6ipsnu$d1s$1...@news.doit.wisc.edu>
> Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors,alt.news-media
Tom: For once cross-posting is used sensibly.
Crow: Feeling sarcastic today, Tom?
Tom: A little.
> Update by Sheldan Nidle for The Galactic Federation
> May 5, 1998 (3 Ahau, 3 Moan,
(Crow moans erotically)
> 6 Caban)
> Greetings!
Mike: (Flanders) Hi-diddly-ho, neighborinos!
> We gladly come before you today with much valuable information. This data
> includes news about many important events
Tom: That's right, every Data action figure now comes with news about many
important events!
> occurring both on your planet and in
Mike: (Paladin) My mind.
> your galaxy. One of the first events that we shall very briefly discuss with
> you is the formal decree of the Main Federation Council on Earth’s first
> contact scenario.
Crow: Mike, does this guy think the Star Trek universe is real?
Mike: Probably.
Tom: Could be worse. He could think Ratliff's Star Trek universe was real.
(All shudder)
> In a momentous document issued on 12 Cib, 19 Kankin,
Crow: Doctor Franklin?
> 6 Caban (May 1, 1998), the Galactic Federation’s prime
Tom: Rib!
> council
Tom: Oh.
> re-assessed, and asked the first contact forces in your solar system to
> complete the next stages of this vital mission, according to timetables that
> had been set on 13 Eb,
Mike: Tide.
> 15 Zac,
Crow: First Franklin, now Zack?! Is this a B5 fanfic?
Mike: Nah, with all the talk about the Federation, it has to be a Star
Trek/Babylon 5 crossover.
> 6 Caban (February 26, 1998). This timetable was set in accordance with
> certain other previous agreements signed by the Galactic Federation of Light
Mysterious Voice: Onboard one of their Unmarked Ships.
Tom: Who said that?
Mike: More importantly, did anyone get that ref?
> and those former star nations of the old Alliance.
Crow: Oh, I get it. This is a Star Trek/Babylon 5/Star Wars crossover.
Mike: He said old *ALLIANCE*, Crow, not old Republic!
> A second series of events concerns the rising use of seemingly bizarre and
> chaotic events that are about to occur, and/or have recently occurred, on
> your planet.
Tom: The hell?
Mike: How can something be about to occur and have recently occured?
> These events involve the weather, your global society and the continuing
> solar flare activity on your Sun. Together, they constitut an energy for
> change that is working to prepare your world for a quick and righteous
> resolution of the dangers that are inherent in your present reality.
Tom: What dangers in our present reality is he talking about, Mike?
Mike: Oh, you know, stuff like psychic hotlines and Star Trek: Voyager.
Crow: Eyebrow piercing and the Spice Girls.
Tom: How about professional wrestling and Jerry Springer?
Mike: Those are the same thing.
Tom: D'oh!
> Your world is being rapidly transformed. For the most part, this
> transmutation still remains very subtle to you. It requires either that you
> search for it, or that you go inside and resonate with the information that
> is given to you.
Mike: (Paladin) Do you buy that?
> At times, this information may seem very illogical.
Tom: AT TIMES???
> However, it is necessary for us to reiterate to you that much of what you
> hear or see is based on the use of a prepared chaos filled with a high
> degree of dissonance.
Crow: This guy sounds like Delenn on LSD.
> In effect, the foundations of your reality have to be shredded before they
> can be rebuilt.
Tom: We had to destroy reality in order to save it.
> As we have often stated, reality is a shared mass of common perceptions.
Mike: (announcer voice) And paladin has said something intelligent! Now let's
see if he can run with it!
> These present reality perceptions were first manufactured by the remnants of
> the Atlantean elites and their Galactic Federation rebel and Alliance
> allies, some 12,000 years ago.
Mike: (still in announcer mode) Paladin drops the ball!
Crow: That's the most gratuitous use of the word "Atlantean" I've ever seen.
> Since then, you have fallen prey to their false reality.
Tom: (Marlon Perkins) The ferocious Atlantean elite uses it's false reality to
trap prey.
> It is a reality of limited consciousness that is filled with fear,
> uncertainty and division.
Mike: (Monty Python) And a fanatical devotion to the Pope!
> A reality ruled by a very savage autocracy - your present global elites.
> These elites now enforce their unjust rule by subjecting all of your newborn
> to a special psychic field that constantly attacks the validity of their
> inner beliefs.
Crow: "all of your newborn"?
Mike: Yeah, all of him. His fingers, his eyes, his ankles...
Crow: What about his foreskin?
Mike: Only if he's uncircumcised.
> To break down the cohesion of the various consciousness fields
> created by your elites requires action on two important levels.
Tom: (kid voice) If you beat those two levels, you have to fight Bowser!
Crow: Oh, so it's a Star Trek/Babylon 5/Star Wars/Super Mario Brothers
crossover?
> The first one consists of using the power of the Angelic Realms and the many
> councils and Orders of Elohim that currently surround you. The second one
> involves the changing of your mass perceptions about this present reality.
> This two-pronged attack normally would take a very long time, by Earth
> standards, to complete.
Crow: (Paladin) But by taking as many hallucinogenics as I do, you can do it
in a fraction of the time!
> Consequently, we have needed to send in a very large team of Spiritual
> Hierarchy reinforcements to complete our divine task. Our primary purpose is
Mike: Silly.
> to accomplish these transformations of Earth and its humanity in as quick a
> time as possible. So far, with your great assistance, we have accomplished
> miracles. Now we approach the time when much change shall become more
> visible to you. The structures that we are presently building
Tom: Include a barracks and the chronosphere.
Crow: Now it's a Babylon 5/Star Wars/Super Mario Brothers/Command and Conquer:
Red Alert crossover.
> have their own innate time schedule. Yet, within this framework, there is
> still much flexibility. What we desire from you is that you take advantage
> of this flexibility to achieve your own objectives.
Mike: What if my objective is beating some sense into paladin?
Crow: Or having Mr. Morden send the Shadows to attack this Galactic Federation
of Light?
> We request that each of you start to connect with each other and
> to comprehend how this reality shall be created. In this regard, we have
> started to put forth ideas or energies that emphasize that connecting into
> a global network of Light is one of your major responsibilities.
Crow: What about the Army of Light?
> This energy for connection and for the rediscovery
Tom: Channel.
> of your inner power is now driving you to complete this most important
> objective. The key remains your wonderful resourcefulness.
Crow: (Delenn) Humans build communities.
Mike: I think that's enough B5 refs for one post, Crow.
Crow: But he's begging for them!
> You are beginning to learn how fragile your reality really is, and how
Mike: (Paladin) Stoned I am.
> your connection with one another can create a much brighter and better
> reality for you.
Tom: They said the same thing about the internet, and all we got was spam,
kooks and fanfic!
> This procedure is presently accelerating all around you. Many organizations
> for change are coming together and realizing their joint power for
> transforming society.
(Mike holds up a sword)
Mike: By the joint power of Grayskull!
> In addition, we are continuing to awaken your global humanity in larger and
> larger numbers. Your task shall simply be to bring them into the fold.
(The 'bots make sheep noises)
> What you have is a process that is now quickening on all levels.
> Our resources are being used to bring you into a new reality.
Tom: A reality not of sight or of sound, but of paladin's mind.
(All hum the Twilight Zone theme)
> The present game plan is merely to fold the new structures, resources,
> awakened individuals and networks together into a huge global mixture.
Crow: Did anybody get that?
Tom: I lost him back at "Angelic Realms and councils and Orders of Elohim".
> From this most fertile batter, we shall bake a new reality.
(All laugh uproariously)
Mike: (Paladin) Stop laughing! This is serious!
> The icing will simply be the great celebration that we have in store for
> you. It is simple in its intake, but most complex in its out-take.
All: Ewwwwwwww!
Mike: (weakly) Don't anyone riff on that. It's making me ill enough as it is.
Crow: Maybe vomit is one of the complex ways the "icing of great celebration"
comes out.
(Mike throws up on the floor of the theater)
> Each one of the ingredients mentioned above has its own particular dynamic
> consciousness field. It is our objective to watch
Crow: People have sex.
Mike: (weakly) Crow...
Crow: But it's true!
> each element in a most acute way and to gently guide it towards its timely
> completion. Such action also means that we have to know when to blend each
> one together, as well as the most probable series of outcomes for each
> possible combination. This factor makes it necessary that we closely watch
> what you are doing.
Mike: (still recovering) I guess you were right, Crow.
> Earth’s humanity is the most flexible of all the elements involved. Hence,
> you are, by far, the most important.
Tom: Humanity is the most unpredictable and unreliable of the elements in the
Galactic Federation's "fertile batter", therefore it is by far the most
important. Makes perfect sense.
> From the beginning of this operation, the local Spiritual
> Hierarchy has been putting together an incredible number of high-powered
> souls to incarnate upon your planet.
'Bots: Extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeme souls!
> These Beings of Light are
Crow: Vorlons.
> finally commencing to work their global magic.
Tom: With their newly-purchased Black Lotus card!
> As they come together in the coming galactic months,
Mike: (fully recovered) I didn't know the galaxy had a moon...
> they shall begin to crumble slowly the many aspects of the global elite’s
> master game. The present elite structure is being eroded at two vital
> points. First: from above, there are the extraterrestrials
Crow: ET phone home.
> who first created them, who are now asking these world-wide elites to change
> their ways, as well as their goals.
Mike: (alien voice) Mister Atlantean elite, would you please stop being evil?
Tom: (Atlantean elite) Duh, sure. Why not?
> Second: from below,there is a most marvelous group of Beings
Crow: Thimply maaaahveluth!
> who are gradually connecting a global network of Light to overthrow your
> current reality.
Mike: Oh my god, they killed reality! You bastards!
> Both these groups share the same
Crow: Bed.
> goals, but the second one has little awareness of the first.
Tom: Despite the fact that everyone else on this planet seems to believe in
extraterrestrials...
> The Spiritual
> Hierarchy is currently busily weaving a scenario that will allow them to
> become very aware of each other in some very unusual and truly bizarre ways.
'Bots: Huh?
Mike: I think what he said was "The Spiritual Hierarchy is weaving a scenario
that will allow both the ETs and the 'marvelous Beings' to become very aware
that the other exists". I have no idea where the "very unusual and truly
bizarre" bit fits in, though.
Tom: That would be this post!
Mike: D'oh!
> In addition, your planet’s population is daily increasing
Tom: No kidding!
> its awareness that something is truly happening. Everywhere, they run
> across those people, events and organizations that give them a sense that
> your world is currently in the throes of a massive shift of its present
> perceptions.
Crow: Mike, did you understand that part, too?
Mike: No.
> This program is one of many that the local Elohim have put into place in the
> last few galactic years.
Tom: I wonder how long it takes the galaxy to orbit it's sun.
> Its purpose is to overcome the your mass media's massive lack of
> participation in this transformational process.
Crow: (news anchor) Hey, we should have more coverage of the Galactic
Federation. It'll give us something to report between Clinton's affairs.
> However, in their chaotic or almost non-existent coverage of change, they
> have inadvertently opened the doors to modifying your planet’s perception of
> reality.
Mike: Oh, I can see how that would...HUH?
> The key here is applied chaos on a most massive scale.
(Crow makes the "Shadow ship sound")
> As the chaos builds, it loosens humanity’s grip on the validity of its given
> perceptions. A new reality now has a chance to appear and to effect a most
> drastic and welcomed set of changes. It is this changing series of
> perceptions that is most important to us.
Tom: So what paladin is saying is that the whole flippin' galaxy is using LSD?
Mike: Pretty much.
> We are accomplishing a most profound experiment in change. This
> experiment is set in a reality that has been exceedingly harsh for most of
> its inhabitants.
Tom: You know a post is a bunch of Birkenstock-wearing New Age vegitarian
feminist neo-pagan drivel when it chastises life for being harsh. THAT'S HOW
LIFE WORKS!!! To these bozos, the very fact that creatures have to eat to
survive is harsh and evil! DEAL WITH IT!!!
(Tom's head explodes in a display of pyrotechnics)
Mike: Uh-oh. I hope we have a spare.
> Yet they seem so attached to its most discouraging perceptions. This point
> in time
Crow: Saves nine.
> is one that should be viewed as a period of liberation and of a massive
> cleaning out of old and useless illusions.
(Tom's body shakes)
> We come to bring you
Mike: Gold, frankincense and myrrh?
> a most profound joy and a return to your powerfulness.
Mike: Ah...
(Tom's body shakes again)
> Still, some of you continue to resist,
Mike&Crow: Resistance is futile. You will believe this nonsense.
> and fight hard to retain your old and foolish ways.
(Tom's body shakes yet again. It's as if he's trying to say something.)
Mike: Crow, go to the bridge and get a head for Tom.
(Crow gets up and leaves the theater)
> However, your coming education in the ways of the great Creator of us all
> shall finally end these uncalled-for attempts at retaining this dying
> reality.
Mike: Unfortunately, the Galactic Federation uses American public schools, so
we won't learn a thing!
> We stand now at what you could call a watershed
Mike: Or a toolshed.
> in the planned transformation of Earth’s humanity. Shortly, you shall have a
> better understanding of what has happened, and shall happen, to you.
Mike: I've been forced to watch bad movies and read bad Usenet posts and I
shall be forced to watch bad movies and read bad Usenet posts. What's there to
understand?
> We stand ready to assist you through these final stages.
Mike: (Doctor) Push!
> We are determined to render you the fine blessed service that you fully
> deserve.
Mike: (Reverend Lovejoy) Today's fine blessed service is about Hell. Hell is a
place where you are forced to read paladin's posts.
(Crow returns, carrying a snack dispenser)
Crow: This is all I could find. It's full of gumballs, but it should still
work.
(Mike places the snack dispenser on Tom's body)
Tom: Thanks, Mike.
> We come here to show you that Mother/Father
Tom: GAAH! Could this *POSSIBLY* be any more PC?
> God’s great plan for the return of divine WILL shall indeed happen.
Mike: (Picard) Fire at divine will!
Crow: That's exactly what Picard would tell Worf if the Enterprise bumped into
God.
Tom: (Kirk) What...does...Godneed!...with...astarship?
> This plan is sacred to us all.
Mike: Speak for yourself, pal.
> We fully intend to carry out each step as it is formally given to us. We
> also have a deep and sincere desire to allow Earth to fulfill her sacred
> destiny.
Tom: Oh, so Earth is a she now? (smoke comes out of his head)
Mike: Careful Tom, we don't have another snack dispenser.
> This holy destiny concerns all aspects of sentient life in this Milky Way
> Galaxy.
Tom: As opposed to that other Milky Way Galaxy...
> We in the Spiritual Hierarchy and the Galactic Federation of Light are
> pledged to assist you in your coming travails, and in your coming periods of
> great ecstasy.
Crow: Woah! Forget everything I said earlier, I want to join this Federation
of Light! Bring on the new reality!
> Above all, we jointly ask you to look inside yourselves
All: Ewwwww!
> and to learn to trust your deep inner feelings. In these feelings, you shall
> find the resonance and trust of what we have just said to you.
Mike: Don't forget to get drunk before trusting your deep inner feelings, or
they'll tell you that this is nonsense.
> We shall now take our leave
(All cheer)
> with infinite blessings
Mike: (Apu) What do I need with the infinite compassion of Ganesha when I have
paladin staring at me, his eyes betraying the fact that he is in a
drug-induced stupor?
> to you of perfect and complete Love,
All: (singing) I love you, you love me...
> unending Joy and boundless Supply and Prosperity!
> Selamat Ja! (Be in Joy!)
Bots: Happy, happy, be in Joy!
> *** Have Light - Will Travel ***
Tom: Ah, haha. That's so funny.
> Courtesy of:
Crow: Satan!
(Gets up)
> The Planetary Activation Organization
> http://www.paoweb.com
Mike: Visit our website next time you're doped to the gills.
(picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)
[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog Bone.]
[SOL Bridge. Mike and the 'bots are behind the desk. Mike is standing between
the two bots and holding a jar of RAMchips. Tom's head is gray and filled with
gumballs.]
Mike: If Pearl can celebrate by torturing us, we can celebrate our victory
over the post. So anyone who can tell me one bad thing about this post gets a
RAMchip. Tom?
Tom: It was a bunch of touchy-feely New Age dreck.
Mike: That's good. (reaches into the jar and gives Tom a RAMchip) What do you
have to say, Crow?
Crow: It wasn't a Star Trek/Babylon 5/Star Wars/Super Mario Brothers/Command
and Conquer: Red Alert crossover, which would have been more enjoyable.
Tom: D'oh!
(Mike gives Crow a RAMchip)
Crow: By the way, Tom, what were you going to say about my crossovers before
Pearl called?
Tom: I was going to say "The problem with your crossovers is that they're all
boring"!
Crow: Why you little...
(Crow puts his claws around Tom's "throat" in a Homer Simpson strangle)
(Mads light flashes. Mike pushes the button.)
Mike: What do you think, sirs?
[Castle Forrester. Pearl and Observer are present. Bobo can be heard choking
somewhere off-screen.]
Pearl: You may have survived this post, Nelson, but there are other posts by
paladin! One of them with crush you!
Observer: Pearl, you're being overdramatic again.
(Pearl grabs Observer's brain and takes a bite out of it. He screams. He
continues to scream all through the credits.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related characters, locations, beverages,
etc, are trademarks of Best Brains Inc and copyright under the under the Berne]
Convention or somesuch. Anyway, I don't intend to infringe on their copyright,
this is for purpose of parody only.
"MiSTed: Galactic Federation Update May 5, 1998" is Copyright 1998 Michael J.
Wallen (Me). Unconditional permission is permitted to post this, put it on a
website, print it out and eat it, etc. All that I ask is that you don't take
credit for having written it.
This MiSTing is meant in good fun and should not be viewed as a personal
attack on Sheldan Nidle. As far as I know, he's a nice guy when he's not high
on assorted illegal substances.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> At times, this information may seem very illogical.
-----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==-----
http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading
Kathy Ice
craz...@bert.cnnw.net wrote:
> Crow: Or having Mr. Morden send the Shadows to attack this Galactic Federation
> of Light?
I just wanted to say that I'm behind this plan. Yeesh! What a pile of
dreck!
(And what a funny MSTing! Thanks, crazyguy.) :-)
--Kathy, whose .sig is temporarily out of order