[MiSTing] CPFace gets a letter!
cpf...@my-dejanews.com
MiSTed by: CPFace
Rated
[Roll the season 9 openers]
[Safe. . . 2. . . 3. . . 4. . . 5. . . 6. . . Ka-shunk!]
[CPFace, Servo, and Crow are standing behind the desk. CPFace is wearing a
huge cowboy hat with an arrow through it.]
CPFace: Hi, everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Love.
[Crow and Servo do a double take. They seem confused.]
CPFace: Anyway, we were all getting ready here, and we were about to do
our. . . [noticing Crow and Servo] Umm, is something wrong?
Servo: Who are you?
CPFace: Don't you remember? It's me, CPFace. I got shot up here to join you
on the satellite.
Crow: What? Since when?
CPFace: You know, since last week, when Mike escaped. There was that big box
of hamdingers, and. . .
Servo: *Hamdingers?* Oh, puh-LEEZE! When are you MiSTing authors going to
get over that?
Crow: And where do you get off self-inserting yourself into our universe,
anyway?
CPFace: [downhearted] Well, gee, I don't know. . . I thought it would be
kinda fun. . .
Servo: Well, you can just do this little thing on your own. I refuse to
participate in some teenager's ego trip. [Servo scoots off.]
Crow: Sorry, fanboy. There's a jar of olives with my name on it. [Crow takes
off.]
CPFace: Yeah, but. . . there was this whole thing I was going to do. . .
and. . .
[The yellow light flashes. CPFace takes off the stupid hat.]
CPFace: We'll be right back.
[Roll the commercial with the song about rape and slavery, and sell those
muddy alcoholic drinks!]
[We're back. CPFace just looks around aimlessly until the red light flashes.]
CPFace: Ah, the Superfriends are calling. [taps the button]
[Down in Castle F. Pearl's standing near the monitor. In the background,
a group of about twenty knights are having a drunken good time. Bobo's stuck
on a chandelier, dangling above them. Pearl looks like she could use a nap.]
Bobo: Help, Lawgiver! They chased me up here and I can't get down!
Lawgiverrrrrrrrr!
Pearl: Hey, Nelson. Apparantly there's some code in this neck of the woods
that if a drunk band of knights shambles up to your castle at three in
the morning, that you have to. . . [turns to the knights] SHUT UP!
[The knights fall silent as Pearl continues] Anyway, we had to take
them in for the. . . [she scowls suddenly] What the. . . [shouting
off-camera] Egghead!
Observer: [coming in on the other side] Madam?
Pearl: What happened to Nelson? He looks. . . different.
Observer: [glancing at the monitor] Oh, that's not Mike. That's the author.
Pearl: Well, get him outta there! I wanna talk to Nelson!
Observer: Well, you see, I can't. He's the author's personification of
himself. His powers are limitless; I'd never be able to overpower him.
[Pearl's flabbergasted for a moment or so.]
Pearl: Well, that sucks! [turns to the monitor] All right, you! Bring Mike
back right now, or I'll send you the worst fan-fic that I ever. . .
Observer: No, Madam, that's what he wants! Just ignore him and he'll go
away.
Pearl: Oh. . . okay, fine.
[SOL]
CPFace: No, wait! Don't go! [muttering to himself] Now what am I going to
do? [looking around the desk] Hmm, let's see, bubble gum, paperclips,
old sandwiches. . . Hey, here we go! [holds up an envelope] Some junk
mail! This should be fun. [clears his throat] OH NO, I'VE GOT JUNK
MAIL SIGN!
[CPFace runs off. A few seconds pass. He walks back on-screen.]
CPFace: C'mon, Cambot, do that door sequence thingy.
[Cambot shakes his head "no".]
CPFace: Okay, well, fine! We'll just do this right here, then!
[CPFace opens the letter and starts reading aloud.]
> Certified Courier Services, Inc. Secured Delivery Profesionals
CPFace: Ooooo!
> Jeffrey R. Reder
> President and Chief Executive Officer
CPFace: Wow! I wonder if he gets *two* paychecks!
> Dear Mr. CPFace:
> Because of the important nature of this correspondance, and the
> need to maintain strict securtiy precautions
CPFace: Please kill yourself after you read this.
> during prize delivery,
CPFace: Prizes! Wow, I hope it's a 24 volume Encyclopedia Britanica!
> Reader's Digest Assistant Treasurer, W.H. Magill,
CPFace: The near-sighted Mr. Magill?
> has asked me to contact a selected list of individuals today.
CPFace: Only people with a mailing address qualify for this contest.
> Your name is on that list.
CPFace: If I find the dirty rat who snitched on me. . .
> My name is Jeffrey Reder.
CPFace: And I'm an alcoholic.
> I am enclosing my business card (along with Mr. Magill's)
CPFace: To overinflate your feeling of importance.
> to introduce myself as the President and CEO of CERTIFIED COURIER
> SERVICES
CPFace: Well, gee, isn't that what your letterhead is for?
> specialists in secured courier delivery.
CPFace: And hair restoration.
> We have been instructed to inform you that two
CPFace: "Two"? What the heck does that mean?
> (2)
CPFace: Oh!
> official Prize Entry Cards have just been dispatched to your
> XXXXX XXXXXXXXXX residence.
CPFace: Remember, kids. Don't put your address on the Internet. You never
know who might want to mailbomb you.
> These documents should arrive within three to five days,
CPFace: So this is just a letter to tell me about a letter to tell me that I
have a 1 in a billion chance of winning a contest?
> in a red envelope, from Reader's Digest.
CPFace: Ah, Reader's Digest. Where would the waiting rooms of doctors,
dentists, hairstylists, and the DMV be without thee?
> It would be my distinct pleasure to learn that you may have
> already won $23,500.00.
CPFace: I bet you get a commission.
> Your immediate action, however, is essential.
CPFace: Throw it away before you feel tempted to buy anything.
> Watch your mailbox,
CPFace: And keep watching the skies!
> and return your entry documents to Reader's Digest as soon as they
> arrive.
CPFace: Umm, why doesn't Reader's Digest just keep the documents if they need
them back right away?
> In the event that yours is the winning number,
CPFace: Hell will freeze over, the stars will fall from the sky, and the earth
will be sucked into a black hole.
> CERTIFIED COURIER SERVICES
CPFace: You don't have to shout!
> will handle all security arrangements for the delivery of your
> prize,
CPFace: It's a good thing they're telling me all this before I've even entered
the flippin' contest.
> and one of our bonded agents
CPFace: Isn't that a fancy name for Super Glue?
> would soon be in transit to your home.
CPFace: Well, they're gonna have a little *surprise* waiting for them. . .
> Please tear off the attached SECURITY AGENT AUTHORIZATION slip
CPFace: Please? Pretty please? I'll be your best friend!
> and keep it in a safe place.
CPFace: Like at the bottom of the bird's cage.
> You will be asked to give this form to our agent
CPFace: And give him the secret password before you can obtain the microfilm.
> (or show him any other valid form of identification)
CPFace: Like my "Jake's Triple-X Rodeo" membership card?
> before he can release your $23,500.00 to you if you are the
> winner.
CPFace: So they don't have any female couriers? How do they avoid the
lawsuits?
> In the meantime, my very best wishes to you and your family.
CPFace: I sincerely hope from the bottom of my heart that life is bringing you
nothing but what you desire most, Mr. or Ms. YOUR NAME HERE.
> I hope CERTIFIED COURIER SERVICES will be knocking at your front
> door in just a few short weeks.
CPFace: Otherwise I'll be out of a job. Know anyone looking for a President
and CEO?
> Please return your documents to Reader's Digest as soon as you
> receive them.
CPFace: You know, with all these letters moving around for no reason, the
real winner is the post office.
> Jeffrey R. Reder
CPFace: Hey, cool, a xeroxed copy of his signature! How personal!
> Jeffrey R. Reder
> President and CEO
CPFace: And superhuman demigod. I AM JEFFREY R. REDER! TREMBLE AT MY FEET!
> (over please)
CPFace: Umm, no.
[CPFace looks up.]
CPFace: Well, umm, looks like it's time to do some nutty thing based on the
letter. Uh. . . [looks around the desk, finds a Reader's Digest] Ah,
here we go. [exaggerated tone of voice] Boy, this magazine sure is
dumb. I mean, just look at these articles, like "The Best Cat I Ever
Knew" and "Your Government Wants You To Die". Ha ha ha ha. Boy, I sure
am funny, what with how I'm reading a Reader's Digest and all, and. . .
[Mike and the bots come in.]
Crow: There he is, Mike!
CPFace: Uh oh.
Mike: [cracking his knuckles] All right, mister, we can do this the hard way,
or the easy way.
CPFace: I'll just be going, then. . . [CPFace scoots off]
Servo: Well, at least that's over with.
[Red light flashes]
Servo: Oh, the legion of doom is calling.
Mike: [as he taps the button] So I only get two lines in this one?
Crow: Yep.
[Castle F. Same scene as before.]
Pearl: Well, that's just great. Not only do I have a bunch of raging,
drunken knights laying around the castle, but the experiment's totally
shot too!
[A knight comes shambling up to Pearl.]
Knight: [slurred] You know what, man? I really love you, man. You went out,
and you got yourself a place, and you're doin' real good with that, and
your wife's just got the greatest --
[Pearl quickly maces the knight (not with the spray -- with a real mace). She
gives the camera a dark look as we fade out.]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters are copyright Best Brains
Incorporated. The author claims no rights to any of the characters in this
MiSTing except, well, himself. No profit was made or will be made from any of
the material contained in this MiSTing.
The comments made in this MiSTing were meant only in fun, and not as an insult
to Reader's Digest or CERTIFIED COURIER SERVICES. No malicious intent is
intended or should be implied.
This MiSTing is Copyright 1998 Ed Griffiths. Feel free to copy and distribute
this file, so long as the text is unchanged and no profit is made.
Contact CPFace at cpf...@geocities.com
> Please return your documents to Reader's Digest as soon as you
> receive them.
-----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==-----
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Jacen7
putting yourself on the SOL....of course, I'm new to the Mistings.....but
anyway, i thought it was very original. BTW, I guessed the stinger! Good pick!
Skippy "YOUR NAME HERE" Hanel
==============================
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