MiSTed: "I'm Dreaming of a Coruscant Christmas" (1/4)
Roland Warner
[@...1...2...3...4...5...6...*]
[Mike hums silently to himself "Jingle Bells" as he strings up lights
around the SoL. He's wearing a Santa hat and has some excess flashy
plastic icicles stuck on him. The room is covered in Christmas
decorations, so the obvious time setting would be pointless to say.
Mike notices Cambot staring at him.]
Mike: Oh, hi everyone! We're decking the halls here on the Satellite
of Love. Yanno, a little of this, a little of that.
Gypsy: [Off-Screen] Don't you think about it, Crow!
Crow: [OS] C'mon! Tradition states that you have to kiss me when
you're under the mistletoe!
Gypsy: [OS] Stay away from MEEEEEEE!
[Gypsy rushes on screen and hides behind Mike.]
Gypsy: Tell him to stay away from me, Mike!
[Crow rushes in.]
Crow: C'mon, Gypsy! It's just one kiss tha-Oh, um, hi Mike. Say, have
you seen Gypsy around?
Mike: Don't even try it, Crow. I know about the little "mistletoe" and
it's going to end here!
Crow: What? What mistletoe?
Mike: Don't try your little games with me. Now, take down the
mistletoe and leave Gypsy alone.
Crow: Jeez, it's just like you to break tradition.
[Crow walks off screen in a huff. Mike turns to Gypsy.]
Gypsy: Oh, thank you, Mike!
[The Yellow Light flashes.]
Mike: No prob, Gyps! [Turning his head to the camera.] We'll be right
back. [He hits the button.]
[Commercials]
[Again, Mike is stringing up more Christmas decorations as Tom rushes
in.]
Tom: Mike! I found it!
Mike: Found what?
Tom: The Perfect Christmas Tree(TM)!
Mike: Oh really? Well, go get it!
Tom: I can't, remember the hands?
Mike: Right, well, let's go get it.
[Mike walks off-camera, and comes back with a rather small, dinky, brown
fir tree.]
Tom: What'd I tell you? It's perfect!
Mike: It's rather small, Tom. I can barely hang anything on it!
Tom: Oh, I see. I decide to go a little easy on the Christmas Budget,
and *YOU* don't like it! C'mon, put an ornament on it.
Mike: Oh, all right.
[Mike places a little round red ornament ball on The Perfect Christmas
Tree(TM) and it tips over.]
Mike: See?
Tom: Ok, so it might be a little weak. Just give it a few days, some
water, and before you know it, we'll have an angel on The Perfect
Christmas Tree(TM)!
Mike: But Tom, today's Christmas Eve.
Tom: Don't you think I know that!
Mike: Forget it. Anyway, remember, our shopping idea this year is to
for
two of us to get something for the other. That way, we save on our
budget.
Tom: Mike, I know you're simply saying that for exposition, but I want
more presents!
[The Red Light flashes.]
Mike: Yes, Donner party?
[Mike hits the button.]
[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl is wrapping gifts with black wrapping paper when she looks up.]
Pearl: Oh, hi Nel-bell. I went out and bought Bobo and Brain Guy a few
things. I've wrapped up most of the presents already and hidden them
where they can't find them. Now, don't you think I've gone soft
already! What I got them is beyond horror! What is it, you might ask?
What makes you think I'm going to tell you!
[Bobo enters from the left.]
Bobo: Oh, hi Lawgiver, whatcha doin'?
Pearl: I *WAS* wrapping presents and taunting Mike until you came in!
Bobo: [A little shaken] I'm sorry! I was just wondering when we were
going to bake and decorate Christmas cookies?
Pearl: I told you, we don't do silly things like those here! Maybe you
did that back in the future where you come from, but here, they shop
like crazy. You hear me?
Bobo: Clearly, Lawgiver. I'll go shopping right now!
Pearl: No, *WE* don't do that, every parent in America does, but not
us!
You see, we terrorize the parents of little kids. You remember the
Tickle-Me-Elmo craze? That was my work. Now, we need something new.
[Turns to the camera.] Any suggestions, Mike?
[SoL]
Mike: Um, ok, how about Monopoly sets?
Tom: I know! Market Skorts! You know, half skirt, half shorts.
It'll
be the greatest marketing craze since leather shoes!
[CF]
Pearl: No, it needs to be something more for children. Ah, we'll think
of something. In the meantime, I have a little Christmas present for
you, sort of my way of saying "Merry Christmas, see you in hell." A
little fanfic called "I'm Dreaming of a Coruscant Christmas". Remember,
sanity is only as good as the system it's on.
[SoL]
[Mike, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are standing in a row.]
Mike: Fa
Tom: La la la
Crow: La
Mike: La
Tom: La
Crow: La
Gypsy: LAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
[All the Christmas lights flash, the tree falls over, chaos ensues.]
All: Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! We've got Star.Sign!
[*...6...5...4...3...2...1...@]
[Mike enters the theater carrying Tom, followed by Crow.]
Tom: Skorts. Think about it, guys.
Mike: We will Tom. We will.
>
>
> I'm Dreaming of a Coruscant Christmas
Crow: I'm Dreaming of a Star Wars Armageddon!
>
>
> "I can't get it up."
Mike: Previously on "I'm Dreaming of a Coruscant Christmas"
> "Oww, Uncle Luke!! It's stabbing me!"
Tom: [Uncle Luke] Listen, just take it outside! I don't want it
stabbing me!
> "It's a good thing you only take it out once a year."
Crow: So, in case you've forgotten, "it".
> In the Solo home, the Christmas spirit was out in full force.
All: Wah-wah-wahhhhh!
> Uncle
> Luke and the kids were bring ing the Christmas tree up from the basement.
Mike: Wouldn't it have been easier to get someone more grown-up who
complains less?
> "Aww, hell! Anakin shit in my stocking!"
Crow: What the . . .
> "Dammit!!! Me too!"
Tom: My God, this has turned into "South Park" all of the sudden!
> Leia heard all the commotion. "What's going on down here?" she
> asked.
Crow: [Luke] We're "wang-chunging", wanna help?
> "Nothing, Mom." the kids replied.
Mike: [Narrator] They said and hid the knives behind their back.
> "Well, I hope not. Christmas is three days away, and the Christmas
> party is tonight.
Tom: Wow, Christmas "a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away."
> I hope all of you can control yourselves. And has anyone
> seen Han?" said Leia.
Mike: [Kid] He couldn't control himself, so we sent him to his room.
> "He said he was going out with Lando to get some stuff for the party.
Crow: Oh, I see, they're going to go visit the "Candyman".
> And they're picking up Dash." said Jaina.
Tom: Dash? Who's that?
Mike: I think he's from "Shadows of the Empire". He's basically a Han
Solo rip-off.
> "Oh lord...they're bringing DASH???? I explicitly said that he was
> not invited."
Crow: I guess that would be an "nonvitation".
Tom: No, it's a "unvitation".
> "Well, Lando mentioned it to Dash. So he's coming. He said he
> would wear his ÔSexy Santa' outfit." said Luke.
Mike: [Luke] Gee, it's a good thing we decided not to put him in charge
of the children's party!
> "Is that the G-String with the bell on it?" asked Jaina.
[Everyone starts making vomit sounds.]
Tom: I've never even HEARD of this guy, and already I hate him!
> "How do you know????" shouted Leia.
> "Uhhhhhh....Jacen told me."
Crow: Wait, aren't they kids??
Mike: I think they're teens now.
Crow: Oh. [He turns to the camera.] Author! Now would be a good time
for some exposition!
> "Rfff roooor rrrfoor rfff." Chewbacca grunted.
Tom: Yuck, that's disgusting!
> "Dash took Jacen shopping for it?"
> "Well, I needed a gift for Tenel Ka,
Crow: Who??
Mike: Beats me, I don't read many Star Wars books, only the fanfics
we're forced to watch.
Tom: Then how'd you know about "Dash"?
Mike: I played the video game.
> and Dash said that the ladies
> always love something from Frederick's of Corellia. He bought it while I
> was there. And in case you're wondering, I didn't get anything for Tenel
> there." Jacen said adamantly
Crow: Gee, that's swell, I can tell he's going to give the Christmas
message in this story!
> "Let's all quit fighting. Good Jedi don't fight.
Mike: Who's fighting? And I haven't seen any of them do anything even
remotely good yet!
> Besides, Callista is
> coming home soon. I need to get done with this so we can finish wrapping
> gifts. She says I'm not allowed to use adult scissors without supervision.
Tom: Mike, I'm feeling nauseous, are the doors open yet?
Mike: No such luck, Tom.
> So, Anakin, can I borrow your Crayola scissors? Luke said.
> "Sure!" said Anakin. "But they're coated in shit!"
Crow: [Luke] That's it, your diarrhea has gotten way out of hand young
man!
> "Well, you can wash them off, okay little buddy?" Luke said. "Now,
> let's get going on this Christmas tree."
Tom: And he's ok with this? YUCK!
>
> * * * *
Mike: Ten points if anyone can find the Christmas star!
> Han and Lando were in the Millennium Falcon heading to the
> Coruscant Jewel. Lando had the Run-DMC Christmas CD in the stereo.
Crow: Run-DMC?
Mike: Don't ask me.
> "So, Leia wearing that Sexy Elf costume tonight? Or is that just for
> Santa Han?"
Tom: Is anyone *NOT* dressing up as a Christmas Icon?
> Lando asked. "Gonna fill her stocking after the good little
> children have gone to bed?"
Crow: [Han] Heh, I've got the little Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and
Chocolate Santas all ready for her.
> "Lando, that's none of your business, but I hope it's yes on both
> accounts.
Mike: [Han] But it's still none of your business!
> So what are you doing for Christmas?"
> "Well, Galaxy Girls is having a ÔSanta Hat and High Heels Only"
> special day. I figured I'd go there." Lando replied.
Tom: [Sarcasm dripping off of every word] Everyone just becomes more
likable by the moment!
I can't wait until they start remarking about Luke's lightsaber!
> "No, come have Christmas with us. Leia won't care." said Han.
Mike: [Han] She and I are psychically linked! Oh, wait, she's yelling
at me now.
> "Okay, we're almost at Dash's crib. Let's slow this muthafucka
Crow: Shut yo' mouth!
Mike: [Lando] I'm only talkin' about this ship, can you dig it?
> down." said Lando.
> They arrived at Dash's apartment and buzzed his intercom. "Yo,
> Dash...are you in there? It's Han and Lando."
Tom: [Lando] We've come to see the Wizard!
> "Yeah...be right out..." Dash replied. A scantily clad girl walked out
> to her landspeeder,
Mike: [Girl] Nice timing you guys, he was just about to pull out the
Monopoly game!
> then a couple of minutes later, Dash came out. He was
> wearing a stocking over his nads.
Crow: I'M BLIND! I'M BLIND! MY GOD SOMEBODY HELP ME!
[Mike covers up Dash's "area".]
Crow: That's better, I think I'm going to be ok.
> "I'll be right out, guys. Xetahti was just leaving." Dash said.
> Han and Lando did a doubletake. They didn't recognize Xetahti with
> her clothes on. "Ready to go?" Han asked.
Mike: Not a word, you guys.
[Mike reaches over and covers both Tom and Crow's mouth. Crow starts
screaming again as
Mike's hand uncovers Dash's "area".]
Mike: Oops, sorry Crow.
> "Yeah, let's go." said a now fully-clothed Dash.
Crow: Wow, anything can happen within the space of a single phrase.
> They all got back in
> the Falcon.
Tom: Fortunatly for them, he just happened to have a giant space dock
in his front lawn.
> "Dude, I can't wait for the party tonight. Are we gonna get wasted?
> I brought the Sexy Santa suit...it's in my pocket." said Dash.
Mike: Somehow, I think the author's proud of the "Sexy Santa Suit"
creation.
> "Would it be a party if we didn't get wasted? I'm gonna get piss-
> drunk." said Lando.
Tom: Lando's rhetorically challenged, it seems.
> After they parked the Falcon at Jewel, they went in and headed
> straight for the liquor section.
Crow: [Narrator] And Han seemed to know the way better than any of
them.
> They were all glad that Luke had
> volunteered to stay home and put up the Christmas tree, since last time
> Luke had tried to buy beer he'd been carded.
Mike: And Mark Hamill's probably still being carded to this very day.
> They filled up two shopping
> carts with booze, including ale, Verattan and Alderannian wine,
> champagne, Sullustan gin, and some vodka.
Tom: Ah, I see the problem! They didn't get any diapers for Anakin!
Mike: Drop it Tom, I don't want to hear anymore about Anakin's
"problems".
> If there was one good thing
> about Dash, he could shake up a mean martini. They went to pay, and left.
> "Who all is invited to this party?" said Lando.
Crow: Everyone from "Transexual" in the galaxy of "Transylvania".
> "Well, let me think." Han said, stroking his imaginary beard. "You,
> Winter, Ackbar, Luke, Callista, General Dodonna, General Madine, Mara
> Jade, Chad Hilse, Garm Bel Eblis, Gallen Torg, Vanden Willard, Pellos
> Zrambas, Evram Lajaie, Bob Hudsol, Lieutenant Corran Horn, Gaerial
> Captison, Mon Mothma, Hobbie and Wedge, Teneniel and Isolder, and a
> bunch of people that I can't remember. Plus, we got Figrin Dan and the
> Modal Nodes to play the music."
Mike: [Dash] Hey, what about me?
Crow: Wow, it looks like everyone from any book by Isaac Asimov is
invited.
> "Cool. A high chick factor."
> "Yeah. So don't get TOO drunk, ok?"
Tom: [Han] You're the designated driver, Lando.
> * * * *
Crow: I see it! The Christmas Star!
Mike: I was kidding Crow. I don't think we're going to see anything
holy in this story,
except for the plot probably.
> Jacen and Jaina were getting ready to go out to give their
> significant others their Christmas gifts. Jaina was applying heavy coats
> of red lipstick, and Jacen was putting on his Santa hat.
Mike: It's a Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker Christmas!
> "What did you get Tenel, anyway?" asked Jaina.
Crow: [Jacen] A "Sexy Santa Outfit".
> "I don't know. Dash picked it out. What did you get Zeblis?"
> "I didn't know what to get him so I bought him some condoms. I hope
> he'll take the hint."
Tom: I don't even think I want an AGE in this story. I'm way to
scared to find out.
> Zeblis Harkoon was a guy on the Coruscant High School smashball
> team. He was Jaina's age and came from one of the high-ranking families
> of Coruscant, however, he had no Force potential. They met at a party
> thrown by Jaina's friend at CHS.
Mike: Geez, with all this partying, where does anyone find time to run
the "New Republic"?
> They had been going out for a month.
Crow: A month and already she's buying condoms?
> "Um, I guess so. Do you think Mom will let you out of the house in
> that?" asked Jacen.
Tom: Why not? The author's put every possible taboo thing you could
ever
have in a Star Wars story!
> "Why not? It's just a red velvet miniskirt. Her Sexy Elf costume is
> sluttier than this." Jaina replied.
Mike: What a nice family. It seems like everyone loves each other!
> "Well, okay. Let's get going. Dad let me borrow the Falcon." said
> Jacen.
Crow: But . . . I thought Han was flying!
> They flew out and picked up Tenel Ka and Zeblis. As soon as Zeblis
> got in the car,
Crow: But . . . I thought it was a ship! HELP! Somebody!
Mike: You should know better than to actually *think* when reading a
Star
Wars story, Crow!
> he said, "Hey babe. Nice outfit." They started making out
> in the backseat. All four went to L'Maison d'Nerf.
Tom: And not a word from Tenel Ka? Something's wrong here. Of
course, everything is
wrong here.
> They all sat down and while they were eating their appetizer. nerf
> medallions,
Mike: Yuck, Nerf has gotten *way* out of hand.
> they all pulled out their gifts for each other.
> "Here, Tenel. I picked it out just for you." said Jacen proudly.
Crow: It's a full-body rubber condom for women!
> "Thank you Jacen. Here is your gift." Tenel replied.
> Each ripped open the wrapping paper on their gift. Jacen pulled out
> the "Dogs Sing Jingle Bells" tape. Tenel explained that it was because he
> liked animals.
Tom: The hell? She got him the "Barking Dogs" tape??
> "I can't wait to see your gift, Tenel." said Jaina.
Mike: I believe we all can wait.
> Tenel opened the box and pulled out a lizard skin thong and matching
> push-up bra.
Crow: Made from 100% Toad.
> Jacen gasped and almost fell out of his chair. Jaina gasped,
> then started laughing. Zeblis just looked shocked. Tenel's eyes opened
> wide in surprise. Jacen squinted his eyes shut, expecting a slap in the
> face.
Tom: I'll do it!
Crow: No, it's my turn!
Mike: Calm down, we'll all get a turn after Tenel Ka.
> "It's so perfect! It matches my new battle armor perfectly, though I
> don't know about the thong..." Tenel said, much to Jacen's surprise.
Crow: You see, I go "commando" underneath my armor.
> "Gee, I kinda hoped you would wear it for me without the battle
> armor..." said Jacen under her breath. Tenel didn't hear, and Jaina slapped
> Jacen in the face.
Tom: Yes! That speaks for all of us!
> "Well, enough about them. Let's exchange gifts, Jainy." said Zeblis.
> He put a box up on the table. Jaina put hers up.
> Jaina ripped open the package. Inside was a delicate platinum chain
> with an Alderannian ruby pendant. He fastened it around her neck. "Do you
> like it? I know your mom was from Alderaan. The necklace has been in
> the family for a long time.." Zeblis said.
Crow: So he's giving away a family heirloom to a girl he met only a
month ago??
> "Oh, Zeblis, I love it! Um...maybe you should open my gift later." said
> Jaina.
> "No, I want to see it. I bet it's really special." Zeblis opened the
> gift and found inside a box of Christmas condoms. Jaina blushed and was
> speechless. Jacen started laughing, and Tenel Ka looked embarrassed.
Mike: I'm sensing a conflict of interests here on two different sides,
the Solo kids give
their friends sexual presents, while their lovers give them gifts that
actually *mean*
something.
> Zeblis leaned over and whispered, "I get the idea. Wanna come over to
> my place after lunch?"
Crow: Tonight on the menu is "Me Soup".
> * * * *
Tom: Wow, even the stars are uneven tonight!
>
> The house had been cleaned, Callista and Luke had gone to wrap
> Christmas presents, Lando, Chewie, and Dash were watching the Playboy
> channel, and Anakin was sitting on the toilet. He wouldn't be out for at
> least an hour. Han and Leia decided to wrap Christmas presents.
Mike: It's amazing what happened "a long time ago-"
Crow: I think we get it now, Mike. This whole thing makes no sense, so
why bother with the
whole prologue to "Star Wars"?
> "Let's see...the tube top and belly chain that Jaina wanted, a
> "Rancors Sing Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" tape
[They all start sobbing quietly.]
> and a lightsaber
> handle cover for Jacen, and a Tickle Me Salacious Crumb doll for Anakin."
[Finally, tears break out, and everyone starts panicking.]
> Leia said. "Wait a minute. Where's the Tickle Me Salacious? You did get
> it Han...didn't you?"
Crow: *sniff* You mean he didn't get one?
Tom: Yay! At least we don't get to see one of those things!
> "Well...they didn't have one. So I got him a Talking Jawa instead.
> Look!" Han said. He squeezed the Talking Jawa.
Mike: [Jawa] This doll will self-destruct if you touch me there again.
> "Utinni!" the doll said. Leia looked at Han in disgust.
Tom: [Leia] That's it? "Utinni"? You're going down, Flyboy!
> "Did you really think that he would like that? Did you get that at the
> one-credit store?" she said.
Crow: [Han] No, I got it at the same place we got Anakin!
> "Um...no...but I'll go and get the Tickle Me Salacious doll. Let me get
> my blaster." he said apprehensively.
Mike: His blaster? Is he planning on stealing one??
Crow: This thing just keeps getting worse and worse!
> Han borrowed Luke's X-Wing and took off for the Coruscant Toys ÔR'
> Us.
Tom: Great, more advertising. I wonder if the authors are getting
paid.
Crow: It's probably more like they're getting sued to remove the
company's names!
> He had used the advanced computers in the Palace to determine that
> there was a shipment of Tickle Me Salacious dolls coming in. He arrived
> and was greeted by a mob of parents rushing for the Tickle Me Salacious.
> He saw Boba Fett grab the last one off the shelf.
Mike: Boba Fett?? Hey, maybe he'll take care of Han for us! Go Fett!
> "Hey, muthafucka, what do you need a Tickle Me Salacious for? You
> don't have any kids!!!" Han yelled to Boba.
Crow: [Boba Fett] Well, someone has a filthy mouth!
> "Shut the hell up. I do have a kid, what with all the chicks I get.
> And I gotta get him a Christmas present or his mom is suing for alimony."
> Boba retaliated.
Tom: Oooh, good come back, Boba! I can feel the tension in the air
now!
> "Oh yeah, shithead? Gimme that!!!" Han said, taking a swing at Boba.
Mike: No, the name's "Boba Fett"!
> "Why don't you go freeze in carbonite!"
All: Wah-wah-wahhhhh!
> screamed Boba, punching
> back. A full-fledged fight had ensued.
Crow: [Register clerk monotone voice] Clean up on Aisle Four. Now
Five. Pandemonium is
ensuing. Call in for reinforcements.
> Han took a running charge at Boba but Boba sidestepped it and hit Han
> in the back with a bike.
Mike: A bike? Wow, they both have guns, and they're fighting and
hitting each other with
things and they could easily kill each other with a blaster.
> Han stumbled forward and landed a kick to Boba's
> midsection. He then picked Boba up by the neck and slammed him down on
> the floor.
Tom: He did *what* with the doll?
> The Tickle Me Salacious doll went skittering across the floor.
Crow: [Tickle Me Salacious Crumb] Tee-hee, that tickles!
> Another person picked it up, but was blown back into the video
> games by Boba's 24 blaster shots.
Mike: I'm sensing some social commentary here.
> Han ran over and picked it up, while
> scattering bikes and stuff on the floor. Boba, stumbling through the bikes
> was able to force Han back into the sporting equipment aisle.
Tom: You mean Boba Fett is Force-sensitive?
Mike: Don't ask me, I have no clue how he did that.
> Boba and
> Han both grabbed aluminum baseball bats and started to duel.
Crow: [Han] You're not my father! My father died a long time ago!
Tom: [Boba] Search your feelings, you know it to be true!
> Boba landed
> 2 hits to Han's ribs. The doll went flying into the air. Boba jumped for it,
> but Han hit him in the knees and Boba fell forward into the foam darts.
Mike: Ow! They'd both be on the grounds by now, if this were really
happening.
Tom: There, keep thinking that guys: "If this were really happening."
> The doll had flown into another aisle and a kid had picked it up. A
> parent took it away from the kid but was instantly clotheslined by Han
> who took the doll back.
Crow: You know, I don't think there's any possible way these characters
can become any more
memorable!
> Han whipped a board game at Boba. Boba ducked it
> and fired a missile at Han.
Tom: [Boba] "Sorry" won't cut it, Han!
> A part of the back wall of the store was blown
> away. Han made a run for the exit but was leg swept by Boba. Boba fired
> the smart rope at Han.
Mike: [English-accent voice] I do say, I don't want to be tied around
this insane buffoon!
You untie me right now, young man!
> Han was tangled up in it when he saw his escape.
> The store manager had a blaster trained on Han.
All: [Chanting] Do it! Do it!
> Han jumped out of the
> way as the shot ricocheted off the floor cutting the smart rope. Han
> ripped a price scanner off the wall and hit the manager in the head. Boba
> by now had managed to recover.
Crow: From WHAT? Boba didn't even get hit!
> A crate had fallen off the shelf and hit
> him in the head. Boba leapt to his feet and tackled Han. Han hit him in the
> back of the neck and knocked him out.
Tom: Gee, that was anti-climactic. I'd hoped it was the other way
around.
> Han caught his breath and looked at the Tickle Me Salacious doll. It
> was unscathed through all that had happened. Han gathered himself, paid
> and left.
Mike: You know, the entire scene before that last line could've been
cut, and we
would have been saved a LOT of time.
> On his way out, he said, "Just charge the damages to the bastard
> in the Mandalorian armor."
Crow: [Narrator] Which was rather odd, because no one was there to hear
him.
> He puffed his chest out and took the doll home
> to Leia.
Tom: The non-stop ride of "I'm Dreaming of a Coruscant Christmas"
continues!
> * * * *
Mike: I'm sure they could've put these stars to more of a use, like
covering
the rest of this story.
Crow: Hey Mike, the door's open!
Mike: So it is! Let's go.
[Mike carries Tom out of the theater, followed by Crow.]