MiSTed(crossover-EEK!)- Input:I'm Alive

[Currie1501]

(Season 8 open)

(SoL. Mike and Tom are playing Monopoly.)

TOM: It seems that you are at just a bit of a financial disadvantage, welfare
boy.
MIKE: You just wait until you land on Boardwalk! <trailing off>A... few
hundred times...

(Gypsy enters in a gangster-like pinstriped suit. Crow wears a similar suit,
but is carrying a violin case.)

GYPSY: Tom?
TOM: Hush, I'm gaining control over the railroad industry.
GYPSY: Have you ever wondered what would happen to you if your property was
"damaged"?
TOM: It's a board game. The property can't be damaged.

(Gypsy nods to Crow, who walks over to the board and flicks off a hotel.)

TOM: HEY! You pinbeaked jerk, you flicked it down a vent!
GYPSY: Now do you see how your property can be "damaged"?
TOM: You mean- Oh, for crying out loud...<to Mike> Mike, Gypsy's trying to run
a protection racket again!
MIKE: Gypsy, you know that we don't allow that. Now you have to bribe the city
officials.

(Gypsy nods to Crow again, he begins to open his violin case.)

GYPSY: He doesn't carry a violin in there, Mr. Nelson.
MIKE: That's Mike. And I know he didn't. He also couldn't have smuggled any
weapons aboard.
CROW: I suggest you give up now, Nelson.
MIKE: Why?
CROW: Because <lifts a vacuum cleaner out of the case> your renters won't be
too happy when they're sucked out of their homes and apartments into a dark
void filled with carpet fuzz and dust mites!
MIKE: Crow, that's a plug-in vacuum cleaner. We don't have any outlets outside
of our bedrooms and Engineering.
CROW: All right, plan B then.
MIKE: <sighs> Folks, why don't you watch some commercials for a while?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
New, improved, FRENCH TOAST-IN-A-BOTTLE!
=========================================================

(SoL. A singed and burnt Mike is holding Crow and Gypsy by the scruffs of
their suits.)

MIKE: Okay, the flicking of the Mike Regency-Arms I could handle, the water
damage to the Mike Power Corporation I could tolerate, but *nobody* carbombs
my little silver Monopoly piece!
CROW: The more you try and surpress us, Nelson, the deeper we're driven
underground! They'll be others, and they'll be even harder to catch!
MIKE: What others? There are two of you in your entire crime family!

(Tom enters in a white tuxedo.)

TOM(Italian accent): Nelson... you've disappointed me once too often... As a
result, there was a "accident" to your luxury apartment complex on Kentucky
Boulevard...
MIKE: Oh, for the love of-(Van Light) Aunt Moneybags is calling.

(Ancient Rome. Pearl is trying to ignore a short balding man in his early
fifties.)

JULIUS CAESAR: You know, all the time I was battling the Gauls, I was thinking
of coming home to a pretty wife, a loving marriage, an empire ruled solely by
me- Oops. Uh, you didn't hear that.
PEARL(grumbling): The Ides of March can't come soon enough for me.
JC: Eh?
PEARL: Nothing. Nelstar Galactica-

(SoL. Tom is playing a concertina and singing loudly (and badly) in Italian
while Crow and Gypsy attempt to eat pasta at a table with a single candle.)

MIKE: *Nelstar* *Galactica*?
CROW: Tom, how much can we pay you to go away?

(Ancient Rome.)

PEARL: I was just trying out my new nickname. Anyway, Nelsnore, your fanfic
today is called "Input: It's Alive" and is a crossover between TNG and Short
Circuit. Nelsinus infection, I promise that you, Nelsickness, and your robots
would do anything to escape. Enjoy, Nelsycho! Or don't, Nelsimpleton!

(SoL. There are two toy cars crashed on the countertop. Tom and Crow are
arguing over them in Italian, accompanied with many Italian hand gestures.)

TOM(heavily accented English): Don' you know the turnin' signal?
CROW(same): Turnin' signals don' work when your car comes in fron' a mine out
of a buildin'!

(Fanfic Sign)

ALL: AAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! WE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIIIIIGN!!!!
TOM(in Italian, unhappily): Mama! MA-MA! <sob>

(6...5...4...3...2...1...Theatre)

>Subject: TNG/Short Circuit "Input: It's Alive" 1/2 G

MIKE: How interesting. We have now entered Hell. Well, guys, prepare
yourselves for eternal damnation.

>From: ka...@geocities.com

MIKE: A good, original, and funny show on Comedy Central. Why doesn't Sci-Fi
have it by now?
CROW: Not enough of a following. Also, it doesn't have much science fictional
qualities.
TOM: Why not "Dr. Katz vs. Godzilla"?

>Date: Thu, Oct 9, 1997 6:29PM
>Message-id: <343d684a...@news.zippo.com>
>
>To: Asca

TOM: Who's this to?
CROW: Asca.
TOM: No, you ask her.

>From: ka...@geocities.com
>Date sent: 6 Oct 97 05:59:22 -0500
>Subject: INPUT No.01 "It's Alive" [G] tiny revision [crosso

MIKE: I have got the oddest feeling of deja vu.
CROW: What's that?
MIKE: The feeling that you have experienced or done something before.

>
>
>
>___________________________________________________________

TOM: Shame on Kattz! She's been doing lines!

>
>--Title: INPUT
>--Episode No.01 "It's Alive"

TOM: Must... resist... Frankenstein... joke...

>--Rating: [G]
>--Author: Kattz (Linda Tomlinson) -- ka...@geocities.com

MIKE: I have got the oddest feeling of deja vu.
CROW: What's that?
MIKE: The feeling that you have experienced or done something before.

>
>--SUMMARY:
>Because of an unexpected detour the Enterprise became stuck in space
>requiring some of the crew to explore a cave and climb a mountain.

MIKE: Remember, in the event of an emergency in space, go rock climbing.

>
>--ANNOUNCING:
>The episodic adventures of Johnny Five [the robot from the "Short
>Circuit" movies] in the Star Trek universe.

TOM: Crossovers- strong evidence *against* the existence of God.

>
>SCENE 1 - The Beginning

CROW: In the beginning, something we're not quite sure of made humanity, and
hateful and unresolvable debates have been fought over it for the rest of
Time.

>---------
>Everything on the Bridge was normal.

MIKE: A cornerstone supported most of the weight, the support beams were up to
code, and a weighing station was set up to judge if large trucks could cross.

>
Data was in the navigator's
>chair.

CROW: And the navigator was none too happy.

> Captain Jean-Luc Picard, First Officer Will Riker and Counselor
>Deanna Troi were sitting and talking about what they would be doing
>now that the series is over

CROW(as Riker): I'm going to host the Alien Autopsy series and have a brief
cameo on _Sybil_.
TOM(as Troi): I'm going to pose naked for the Women of Star Trek website.
MIKE(as Picard): I'm going to star in a "Die-Hard-in-a-school" action movie
that will probably go straight to video.

> while watching the
stars on the screen
>when suddenly the stars changed to a new position.

MIKE: David Hasselhoff became midfielder and Tori Spelling was put in as a
fullback.

>
>Data said "Captain, the ship is now 56 million miles from our original
>position."

TOM(as Data): And plotline.

>
>Picard, Riker and Troi looked at each other. Troi volunteered "I
>didn't sense anything when it happened."

CROW: Why would she? Is she hooked into the navigational system or something?

>
>Worf the Klingon Security Officer

MIKE: Really? I could've sworn he was from Kentucky.

> said
"No enemy ships within range,
>sir."

CROW(as Worf): Request permission to blow up helpless civilian ships, sir.

>
>Picard and Riker looked at each other again, both remembering the time
>they ran into the Borg when Q sent them to another quadrant, then
>Picard thundered "Q."

MIKE(as monotone Picard): Q, I swear bloody vengeance upon you and your family.

>
>Q popped in wearing nothing but a shower cap, holding a long-handled
>brush and surrounded by a shower of water.

ALL: *AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*!!!!!!!!!

>
"Really Jean Luc, you must
>work on your timing."

CROW(as Q): That way, I can be *completely* nude.
MIKE: CROW! I was trying to get that mental image out of my head, thank you
very much!

>
>Picard got up and looked Q in the eye. "Put us back where we were."

TOM(singing): Let Q lift us where we belong...

>
>Q said with a wounded look on his face "Put you back? Do you really
>think I would send you somewhere without telling you about it first?"

CROW(as Q): I would've been able to pester you first. Oh well, I guess I'll
streak through Engineering.
MIKE: Crow! Can't you just let me repress that memory?

>Then he gave the brush to Picard while saying "How about doing my
>back, there's a spot I can't quite reach."
>
>Picard threw the brush on the ground and said between clenched teeth
>"PUT...US...BACK."
>
>"Really, Jean Luc, this is getting tedious.

MIKE: And you're surprised by this?

>
Why is it everytime you
>have a chance to go new places and see new things all you want is to
>go back to your same old dull routine?"

TOM(monotone): But scheduling is fun. Scheduling is organized. Dull routines
make our life more fun.
MIKE(monotone): I am one party animal when it comes to routines. Scheduling is
fun and wild.

>
Q snapped his fingers, the
>shower water vanished

(all cover eyes as best as possible)

> and a frilly pink silk suit
appeared on him.

TOM: Is he wearing something?
MIKE: I'll check. <peeks> Have I told you guys already that we're in Hell?
CROW: He's wearing a chicken suit, isn't he?
MIKE: God, I wish...

>
"I
>really must go now, I was in the middle of getting ready for a date
>when you called.

MIKE: Please let him be assuming the form of a woman for this "date". They've
played ping-pong with all the other characters sexual preferences, and I was
hoping that an omnipotent being might be excluded somehow.

> I'll pop back later and see how you are
doing." Then
>he vanished.
>
>Picard frowned, "Looks like we have to find our own way back. Data,
>set a course for our previous location at warp 9."

MIKE(as Data): Sir, your daughter is patrolling this sector. It would be wise
to simply go the warp limit.
TOM: Hear that Ratliff? We'll never forget the atrocities of Time Speeder,
hear me, NEVER!

>
>"Course set, sir."
>"Make it so."

CROW(as Data): With who, sir?
MIKE(as Picard): Maybe that nice PowerPC you met at the DOS prom.

>
>"The ship isn't moving sir, something is holding us." Data ran a
>bunch of scans

TOM: What kind of scans?
MIKE: You know... scans. That scan for stuff.
TOM: Stuff?
MIKE: Yeah, stuff.

> and finally reported "There is a very thin
tractor beam
>with an unusual signature field emanating from that nearby planet."

CROW: How unusual a signature field?
MIKE: Something along the lines of:
Tom "Look! I've re-redone my sig!" Currie(played in RATMM The Movie by John
Agar, much to Tom's horror)
"Hey Vasquez... have you ever been mistaken for a man?"
"No. Have you?" -Hudson to Vasquez in _Aliens_
"C'mon, bite me! I'm a toaster strudel!" -Tom Servo
CROW: Freakish.

>
>"Forward thrusters, maximum power."
>
>The engines whined

TOM(as whining engine): How come we have to do all the work flying? Can't the
phaser banks and the tractor beams help? My plasma conduit hurts!

> and the entire ship started
vibrating. The
>vibrating got worse and worse.
>
>Geordi called from the engine room "Captain, the engines can't take
>any more,

TOM(Scotty): I dinna think...
MIKE: Tom, it's too late. Everyone at home has already done that one.

> if we don't shut them down now they'll short circuit."
>
>By this time the shaking was so bad it was impossible to stand up and
>the engines were screaming so loud it was deafening.
>
>"Shut them down Geordi."

CROW(as shouting Geordi): What? I can't hear you over the engines. I'll have
to shut them down.

>
>Slowly the vibrating stopped and there was nothing but silence.

CROW(as Geordi): There. What was that again?

>
>"Number One, put together an away team to go to that planet and locate
>that tractor beam."

MIKE(as Picard): See if they have an Arby's. I've got a hankering for some
roast beef sammiches.

>
>Will Riker replied, "Right away, sir. Worf, choose two security men to
>go with us. Deanna, we might need your empathic powers.

TOM(as Riker): Besides, I don't want to stare at Worf's butt nearly as much.

>
Data, you're
>coming too."
>
>The security officers that were chosen to go on the away mission were
>the twins Kelvin and Kelvan Riley.

TOM(sarcasm mode): And this must be just *mind-bogglingly* relevant and
important to the plot, right?

> They
were descended from the Kevin
>Riley that served on the Enterprise with Captain Kirk and, yes, they
>look and sound just like him.

MIKE: And yes, this is just a ploy to take up space.

> [he locked
himself in the engine room,
>turned off the engines and forced the entire ship to hear him sing
>"I'll Take You Home Tonight, Kathleen" over and over and over while
>under the effects of a mind-altering substance]

(pause)
CROW: Uh... okay.
MIKE: Who hasn't done that?
TOM: I still wanna know how it's relevant...

>
>
>SCENE 2 - The Source
>-------

CROW: May the Source be with you.

>They materialized on the planet and immediately started scanning the
>surrounding terrain with their tricorders.

MIKE: A bunch of scans?

>
They were standing in the
>middle of a meadow area with long grass and some short scrubby trees.
>In one direction the trees got more numerous and taller. In the other
>direction the grass got shorter and rockier. There was a faint trace
>signal when they faced the rocky ground.

TOM:<chuckles> Suddenly we're in a text-based role-playing game.
MIKE: The signal grows louder. An orc steps out from behind a narrow scrubby
tree...

>
>The terrain got rockier and steeper the further they went and the
>signal got stronger until eventually they were standing in front of
>what looked like the entrance of a cave that had collapsed. At that
>point the signal seemed to be coming from two places. A faint trace
>from the entrance and a stronger one from up above.

TOM: You can go north, east, up, or down.
TOM: A grue approaches.
TOM: Your skull is cleaved by the grue's axe. Thank you for playing Knights of
the Fanfic.

>
>Data and the twin security officers stayed to try and unblock the
>opening of the cave while Deanna, Riker and Worf attempted to locate
>the other signal.

MIKE: Oh, they have one of those little "remote pagers".

> Eventually the cave was unblocked so Data
and the
>security officers followed the signal inside. There was a crack at the
>far end of the small cave.

TOM: Riker sent the rest of the away team to explore the entrance, and quickly
pocketed the crack.

> The crack was very
dark

CROW: I thought it was more like little chunks of snow.

>
so they got out
>their flashlights. The crack was wide at the bottom and very narrow at
>the top

TOM: So they decided to smoke some weed to save time.

> so they had to stoop over the whole time they were walking
>down it. The ground was somewhat loose with a dark granularity

MIKE: That's just powdered cocaine.

>similar to the walls giving the impression that originally there was a
>narrow bottom

CROW: But then the cave had kids, and it never worked off the pregnancy fat.

> that had filled in with dust falling from
the walls.
>
>After much effort, and a couple of close calls when Riker had to stop
>Deanna from falling then Worf had to stop Riker from falling,

TOM(sarcasm mode): Gosh, humor and action all in one.

>
they
>finally reached the top of the short mountain. Deanna, Riker and Worf
>soon found the source of the the tractor beam --

TOM: Hyphens.
CROW: Gosh, and I had always thought it would be parentheses.

>
a hole through the
>rocky mountain top.

TOM(singing): Good ol' Rocky Top... Rocky Top, Tennessee.

> Riker laid down on the ground and
sent a beam of
>light through the hole but the dark was so thick and the distance too
>deep so he couldn't see anything.

MIKE(as Riker): All I see is a sudden end to my career, and I know that
already.

>
>Eventually Data and the Rileys reached a large cave.

MIKE: After making sure they were alone, Kelvan pulled out the mind-altering
substance.

>
A beam of light
>was shining down from above. They pointed their flashlights at the
>ground beneath the beam of light and saw a long, slim spaceship that
>had apparently smashed through the roof of the cave and landed with
>it's nose buried deep in the ground.

CROW: The USS David Caruso's Career.

> A
bunch of large boulders had
>fallen against it changing the position from vertical to
>semi-horizontal then others had smashed against the now exposed side
>cracking it open then bounced off leaving an opening for smaller rocks
>to fall through and damage the contents.

TOM: Well-trained US Marine Corps rocks, apparently.
MIKE(as Marine sergeant): Don't fall on the enemy until you see the whites of
his eyes!

>
>The tractor beam was coming from the spaceship but they couldn't see
>any switches on the outside that would turn it off.

TOM: Of course, the purpose of installing tractor-beam controls on the
*outside* of a spaceship isn't too clear, but we'll leave that as an excercise
to the reader.

>
Apparently the
>entrance was buried in the ground so they looked through the cracked
>side but all that could be seen was rocks.

CROW: It's an ambush!
MIKE: The rocks charged, and changed Data's vertical position to the
horizontal. Then, a reinforcement group of slightly larger than usual pebbles
exposed the side of the two Rileys, damaging their contents.

>
They started removing the
>rocks and eventually they could see a smashed robot strapped in a
>chair. The head of the machine turned toward them and they could hear
>a faint voice saying

CROW(whispering): Data, Riley, Riley, you have to kill them, they're all
against you...

> "Help...please..help..Johnny..Fi"
then the eyes
>in the head closed.

MIKE: I knew a Johnny Fi once. Korean exchange student. Stole my girlfriend.

>
>Data finished removing the rocks and found the switch to turn off the
>tractor beam.

TOM: And of course, the controls still work, along with the tractor beam still
working, in fact working so well they prevented the Federation flagship from
leaving orbit. <head smokes>

> He extracted the robot and carried it out of
the cave.
>
>"Data to Commander Riker"
>"Riker here"
>"Sir, I have disabled the tractor beam. Data out."

TOM: Get him some smelling salts.

>
>"Data to Captain Picard"
>"Speaking"

MIKE(as Picard): Is this a solicitation?

>
>"Captain, I have disabled the tractor beam.

TOM(as Data): I also told Riker for no discernible reason.

>
There was a robot inside
>the spaceship. I would like to beam it up to the Enterprise."
>
>"Very well, Mr. Data, but keep a close eye on it. Picard out."
>
>
>"Data to Enterprise"

CROW(as Data): Would you be interested in a new long-range interest plan from
your friends at AT &- Hello?

>"Enterprise"
>"Three to beam up."

TOM(as Data): We're leaving one of the Rileys behind, and you have to guess
which one.

>
>Data picked up the robot and stood in position with the Rileys.
>
>
>SCENE 3 - Re-Animation
>-------
>There was a crowd in the room where Geordie does his repairs on Data

CROW: -because Marissa was having a fight against Clara for rulership of the
Kids Crew.
ALL: Cla-ra! Cla-ra! Cla-ra!

>and there would have been even more hanging out in the corridor
>because they all wanted a good look at the robot, but,

MIKE: Everyone suddenly realized that it really wasn't that interesting.

>
everytime some
>of the crew slowed down when passing the room, Worf, who had
>positioned himself in the doorway, would come out and start them
>moving again.

TOM(as Enterprise crewman): OUCH! Easy with the cattle prod!
CROW: Don't paragraphs have to be more than one sentence?

>
>The repairs on the crushed arms, legs, body, wing eyebrows

TOM: "Wing eyebrows"?
MIKE: Let's just hope that there was a comma between them that we missed.
CROW(as Data): Wing eyebrows? Hah! I have a full set of ailerons mounted in
my nostrils!

>
and solor
>collector were finished. All that was left was to replace the repaired
>and recharged battery packs.

MIKE: I thought it kept going and going and going and going and going and...
TOM: Mike, no.

>
>It was an odd looking yet appealing robot.

CROW: Appealing because it had nude pictures carved into the arm, odd-looking
because they were all of Roseanne. <shudder>

>
It was silvery metal. It
>had tread wheels like a tank.

TOM: You know, I heard Chrysler is going to use that in it's newest design.

> The leg area
was shaped somewhat like a
>kangaroo's and can raise the body higher or lower. The body tilts
>forward and has two cylinder storage compartments on it's back plus
>metal umbrellas that can be extended to absorb the sun's energy.

CROW(car salesman): And this is only the standard package!

>
The
>arms were shaped like a human's skeletal arms with long flexible
>fingers. It has a short neck and the head is capable of the same range
>of movement as a human head.

TOM: Yet another Road Trip to Irrelevancy.

> The face was
somewhat flat, yet
>expressive, with camera lens eyes that can move in all directions

MIKE: Zooming through the air, crawling on the ground, hanging on the ceiling
and dropping on women on a dare...

>
and
>wing eyebrows

TOM: You mean it really *isn't* with a comma?

> that move up and down and are probably used
for sound
>reception.

CROW: Or they might have been put there by someone who liked using the term
"wing eyebrow" a lot.

> The digital sound speakers were located in the mouth
area.

MIKE: THX Surround Mouth.

>
>Geordie replaced the battery packs and after a second the wing
>eyebrows lifted

CROW: Oh cool, variable-geometry (swing-wing) eyes!

> and the eyes looked in all directions as
it spun in a
>circle then raised both arms wide and proclaimed in a tenor voice

TOM(as Johnny Five): Get these things off my eyebrows!

>"Johnny Five is alive."

ALL(singing): Stayin' ALIIIIIII-HIIIIII-HIIII-HIIIVVVE...

>___________________________________________________________
>
>--DISCLAIMER:
>The twin Rileys [but not their appearance and voice]

CROW: -And mind-altering drugs-

>
and new events
>were created by me. Other characters and references to previous events
>were not created by me.
>
>
> -- A Kattz Creation --

TOM(singing): My creation/Is it real?

>
>
>Kattz
>http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/1278/
>Some on-site stories

MIKE(miserably): Which we will be receiving soon, doubtlessly.

>I have Index pages with FTP links to Aviary stories

TOM(as they leave): Once upon a time, there was a cockatoo in the Brazilian
Birds cage that was accidentally placed in the North American Birds exhibit!
Wasn't that a lovely aviary story?

>

(1...2...3...4...5...6...Bridge)

(Crow has a pair of airplane wings recently borrowed from a model B-17 mounted
on his eyeball cowling. Mike is looking at him disapprovingly.)

MIKE: You know, if you weren't built with wing eyebrows, the other guy probably
had a good reason not to put them in...
CROW: You're just afraid of technology, Mike! These amplify sounds by moving
around in the form of human expressions! Besides, they look appealing!
MIKE: I still wish that you had asked before you ripped the wings off of my
Flying Fortress model.

(Cambot pans to the left to show Tom looking in a hand mirror with two little
zeppelins glued to his dome.)

MIKE: Tom, they're supposed to be eyebrow *wings*.
TOM: Are you sure?
MIKE: Quite positive. Most definitely heavier-than-air vehicles.
TOM: And you're sure about not being helicopter blades, right?
MIKE: What does it matter? You don't even *have* eyebrows.
TOM(sarcasm mode): Oh, thank you for grinding my self esteem under your foot,
Mike. You really give great pep talks.

(We hear a rhythmic whooshing sound. A shadow passes over Mike and Tom.)

MIKE: The heck? <looks up> Crow, get down from there!
CROW(o.s): I can't! I got dust in my contacts and I tried to blink them out!
Now I just keep getting more dust in my eyes every time I beat the wings!
MIKE: <muttering>Sheesh...<to Crow> Just remind yourself that it isn't possible
to fly as an ornithopter!
CROW(o.s): Fly as a what?
MIKE: Ornithopter! An airplane that flies like a bird!
CROW(o.s): That's what I'm doing, isn't it?
MIKE: 'Fraid so.
CROW(o.s): Oh.

(Whooshing stops.)

CROW(as he falls to the ground): AAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH- *oof*!

(Crow rises from the ground with mangled eyebrow wings.)

CROW: You did that to spite me!
MIKE: Hey, can I help it that you didn't install an earlobe parachute?

(Fanfic sign)

CROW: Crud, I didn't hit hard enough, cause we got FANFIC SIGN!