MiSTing: Is There a Doctor on Board (1 of 3)
Juliet A. Youngren
Here's our MiSTing! The main feature story is a Doctor Who-Red
Dwarf crossover.
Feedback is welcome!
Here goes nothing ....
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Mystery Usenet 3000:
Is There a Doctor on Board. (by Martin Robinson)
With short: Do Trolls Have Big Egos? (by "johncoot")
MiSTing by Juliet Youngren (jayo...@prairienet.org)
and Sarah Heiner (bookw...@my-dejanews.com)
[Season 7 theme]
[1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ...]
[SOL bridge. Crow and Tom are hooked into virtual reality gear--
goggles, gloves, the whole bit--which are in turn hooked up to a
computer. Mike is standing by, watching a TV screen. He looks up
at Cambot.]
Mike: Oh, hi, cyber...whatevers. Welcome to the Satellite of Love.
As you can see, Crow and Tom are back on the Information Su--
Tom: A-*hem!*
Mike: Sorry. The *Internet.* Anyway, they've become very interested
in MUDs these days, especially since they found one that
recreates 17th century France.
Crow: Have at you, now!
Mike: Crow's playing his evil character right now ... ahh, what's the
name again, Crow?
Crow: Baron de St. Croix de Wassota.
Mike: And you've just kidnapped ... who was it?
Crow: [sighs] Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana-Fana
Bo-Besca the Third.
Mike: Uh-huh. Right now, he's fighting off Tom's Musketeer character,
Hikeebos.
Tom: Oh, a hit! A palpable hit!
Crow: Yes!
[Mike looks at the TV screen again.]
Mike: Since neither of these two can type--except, seemingly, when
there's no other way around it--we rigged up this virtual reality
equipment so that instead of typing their actions in a text
environment, they can actually act them out. Let's watch.
[Scene switches to TV screen. A Tom-figure, wearing a cape, tabard, and
feathered hat, is fighting a Crow-figure, who is also wearing a cape and
tabard, and has a typical villain-type mustache.]
Crow-figure: Desist, Hikeebos! You'll never vanquish me!
Tom: Never! I must rescue the fair damsel from your vile clutches!
[They continue to fight. Then ...]
Crow-figure: Ho! Ha ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha!
Thrust!
[On "Thrust," the Crow-figure stabs Tom. Throughout the next speech, the
Tom-figure staggers around, gesturing ... well, about as much as Tom *can*
gesture.]
Tom: Zounds! You have wounded me fatally! I have failed my vow to
rescue Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana-Fana
Bo-Besca the Third. But fear not, fair damsel! My fellow
Musketeers shall hear of this, and they will take their revenge
on Baron de St. Croix de Wassota and save you and your virtue.
Oh, I am dying! The mist is closing around my eyes. Do not forget
me, my princess--the devoted Musketeer who tried to save you!
[The Tom-figure finally flops over on his back. The scene switches to
the SOL bridge, where the commercial sign light is flashing.]
Mike: We'll be right back.
Crow: Wow, Tom, I never knew you could do such a great death scene!
Tom: Eh, it's a gift.
[Commercials. Since this is the only commercial break, there are 50
minutes of them. Aren't you glad this is only text?]
[SOL bridge. Crow is still in the virtual-reality gear, gesticulating
wildly.]
Mike: Welcome back. It looks like Tom's dying words were right on
the money. The Baron's been set upon by five Musketeers, and
they've backed him into a corner.
Crow: Thrust! Parry! No, not the leg! Guard!
Tom: Face it, Crow. You're toast.
[Mad's light starts flashing.]
Mike: Oh goody, the Count of Monte Cristo is calling.
[He hits the button.]
Crow: Saved by the bell!
[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is facing the camera. Mrs. Forrester sits
beside him, knitting something long and multicolored which involves
numerous balls of yarn.]
Dr. F: Well well, if it isn't Athos, Porthos, and Aramis. And how was
yesterday's experiment?
[SOL]
Mike: I think Crow here can put it best.
Crow: It sucked dead bunnies through a straw. Ears first.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: [with mock sympathy] Oh dear, what a shame. Mother and I
enjoyed watching _A Tale of Two Cities_ on the late show last
night ...
[SOL. All sigh in envy and longing.]
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: ... Now there's a truly good movie. Isn't that right, Mother?
Mrs. F: [not hearing, concentrating on her knitting] Abian!
Dr. F: As you can see, Mother identified with the character of Madame
DeFarge. She's knitting the name of every author and filmmaker
we've ever tortured you with into a scarf for me.
Mrs. F: [knitting furiously] Corman!
Dr. F: But never mind that. On to today's experiment. I've just
perfected a new invention which I'm *dying* to show off ...
[He strolls over to a device about 6 feet high with two large Wheel-
of-Fortune type spinners on it.]
Dr. F: Let's say I've decided to send you a crossover fanfic. Well,
I have an entire storeroom piled to the ceiling with them.
The only question is, which one to send? This handy Crossover
Randomizer makes it simple. Each wheel contains the names of
some popular crossover fanfic elements, such as Star Trek,
Sailor Moon, and The X-Files. I simply spin the two wheels,
check the match, and voila! The choice is made. So--are you
ready to stake your minds on the turn of the wheel?
[SOL]
Mike: [with a sigh] Do we have a choice?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: OF COURSE NOT! So here goes!
[He gives the first wheel a vigorous push. It spins rapidly and stops
with the indicator pointing to "Doctor Who."]
Dr. F: Your first crossover element is Doctor Who. Now let's see
what it will be paired with ....
[He spins the second wheel. The occupants of the SOL shudder as it
slows nearly to a stop on "Sailor Moon." However, the wheel has just
enough momentum to swing to the next category, which is ...]
Dr. F: RED DWARF! Now, I just check the cross references, press
a button here, and ...
[He presses a button. Nothing happens. He frowns and presses it
again. A small drawer on the side of the machine pops open, but it
is empty. Dr. Forrester sighs in annoyance.]
Dr. F: I see I'll have to go find the fanfic in the storeroom. In
the meantime, here's a short to keep you busy. It's a message
from someone called "johncoot" about how trolling on USENET
newsgroups is really a holy quest. I hope you hate it.
Mrs. F: [offscreen] Coleman Francis!
[SOL. Lights and sirens. Pandemonium.]
All: We've got troll sign!
[Door sequence: 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... *]
[Mike carries Tom into the theater, followed by Crow. They take their
places.]
> Article #274668 (275858 is last):
> From: "johncoot" <nik...@cmc.net>
Crow: Hey, John, ya old coot!
> Newsgroups: alt.flame,alt.folklore.urban,rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,
> alt.fan.karl-malden.nose,alt.games.final-fantasy,alt.fan.tolkien
Mike: I think I see a pattern here. Fantasy, legend, and Karl
Malden's nose.
> Subject: Re: Do trolls have big egos?
Tom: Is the Pope Catholic?
Mike: Does Christmas come in December?
Crow: Does a bear ... [Mike glares at him] ... do his business in
the woods?
> Date: Fri Jan 22 07:51:21 1999
>
> trolls have big hearts.
Tom: Big chocolate hearts. Yum!
> Egos would connote intelligence
Crow: And since trolls are not intelligent, they cannot have egos.
QED.
> as prescribed
> by this world
Mike: Ah, but can the world prescribe me some Viagra?
> and would be readily accepted as gospel.
Crow: Which one?
Tom: The gospel according to Tad. I think it's in the Apocrypha.
> Trolls dare to
All [singing]: ...be stupid! Dare to be stupid!
> oppose these assumptions in the name of
Crow: Basement-living computer geeks everywhere!
> liberty .The common reward
> for opposing the status quo is
Mike: A polite and reasoned, but firm, request to stop trolling.
> shunning and ostracization.
Mike: Well, that too.
> Trolls
> know this,but are
Crow: ...too stubborn and attention-hungry for their own good.
> courageous enough to perservere through the face
> of doubt and oblivion.
Tom: He's making this sound like a "Take Back the Night" rally.
>
> If it were a matter of ego.
Crow: We could find some anti-matter of ego and blow the trolls
sky-high.
> trolls would need
> that ego to be assuaged by the masses and thus would acqueisce to
> the imperial forces
Mike: Wow, George Lucas's minions are *everywhere.*
> of hatred that oppose them in the name of
> Righteous Indignation,
Crow [falsetto]: In the name of the Moon, I'll ... become *really*
indignant!
> but are in truth and reality
Tom: Ahh, the Department of Redundancy Department rears its ugly head
again.
> no more than
> arrogant pretentious ignorance masquerading as understanding.
Crow: [sings] Masquerade ... virtual faces on parade ...
Mike: So the USENET is one big masquerade party?
Tom: And my arrogant pretentious ignorance is the *grandest* of all!
>
> No trolls do not have big egos.
Crow: That's a double negative, which leads to proof positive!
> Trolls have big hearts.
Tom: So does that mean they're all like Glen Manning?
Crow: I can think of a few trolls I'd like to see take a head-first
dive off Hoover Dam.
> The way to
> the truth is through folly.
Mike: Well, that explains 'The X-Files.'
> The mind keeps us from folly by means
> of the EGO.
Crow: [whining] Awww, c'mon, Mind. Lemme go over to Folly's house!
I'll only stay there a little while!
> It is from the heart of faith
Tom: And now, music from 'The Heart of Faith...'
> that rebelllion arises
> against this assumption "when in the course of human events the
> oppression..."
Crow: And his stirring recitation ... peters out.
> yes the beginning pre amble
Tom: As opposed to a post sprint?
> of the united states
> constitution,
Mike: Hmm, I see someone didn't listen to his Schoolhouse Rock.
Tom: Or his English lessons on capitalization.
> we have been here before.
Tom: So the founding fathers were USENET trolls too?
Mike: Yeah. George Washington kept spamming newsgroups with
complaints about wooden teeth, Thomas Jefferson posted
binaries to every group *but* alt.binaries.erotica.slaves,
and Ben Franklin posted USENET-wide advertisements for his
website, which promoted his inventions.
Crow: Man, what contingency *doesn't* the Constitution cover?
[They leave the theater.]
Crow: So ... according to this guy, trolling is a public service
which trolls perform out of the goodness of their hearts?
Mike: In the name of liberty and righteous indignation, yeah.
Crow: Gosh, that's so noble. [sniffles] I've just realized that
all that time on the MUD, I've been playing the wrong side.
I'm going to make Baron de St. Croix de Wassota see the light
and become a good guy--a troll.
[Mads' light flashes. Mike hits the button.]
CONTINUED IN PART 2
--
*****************************************************************
"Monday! Ha, ha!" --William Shakespeare
WereTorgo Classic
>
> Hi! This is my first MiSTing, so feedback is welcome.
>
> I'd like to thank Sarah Heiner, who coached me through the
> MiSTing process, contributed many riffs, wrote most of the
> opening host segment, and let me use "Do Trolls Have Big Egos?"
> as a short.
>
> OK ... here goes nothing!
<snip>
I don't know how much you wrote, and how much Ms. Heiner wrote, but I am through
the short now and I see promise in you. Though I haven't cracked a laugh as of
yet (believe you me, it takes a lot to make me even smile when I'm reading) I
find great potential in some of this work.
Just a few quick nitpicks: The entire method of the invention (as far as the
prologue) is somewhat wrong... by Season 7, inventions rarely came with the
prologue lines like "I've perfected a new invention . . ." if I were
writing/editing this, I'd rewrite it like so:
Dr. F: Well, <insert nickname here>, I've found a new way to maximize
your reading, hehe, "pleasure."
In the old days, if I wanted to send you an xover fic, it would require many
long hours of excruciating tortune and unbearable smells. But now, with the
Crossover Randomizer, everything has been made much simple. All I need is an
entire storeroom piled to the ceiling with typical fanfiction. The handy
Crossover Randomizer does all the rest of the work itself. Each wheel contains
the names of
some popular crossover fanfic elements, such as Star Trek,
Sailor Moon, and The X-Files. I simply spin the two wheels,
check the match, and voila! The choice is made. So--are you
ready to stake your minds on the turn of the wheel?
Still, depending on how much of this opening you wrote, either you or Ms. Heiner
shows great MSTing promise.
--
Weretorgo Classic - All the Weretorgo, half the .sig
John Cassavetes is my Lord and master.
>
> -----------== Posted via Deja News, The Discussion Network ==----------
> http://www.dejanews.com/ Search, Read, Discuss, or Start Your Own
CROW: Base camp for amateur surrealists everywhere.
[thank you hunter felt!]
MSTie #92826
-Reality is something you play with. Like Silly Putty.