MSTed: "NEED CASH TO PAY OFF YOUR DEBTS? READ ON!" (1/4)
Matthew Stanislawski
Hey-ooooo! Here's a ripe one! It's called
"$$NEED CASH TO PAY YOUR DEBTS?? READ ON!!$$". So what if everybody's
probably done this kind of file already? I feel I must do this because
I have a personal vendetta against it. I tried it last year, and my
return was...SIX BUCKS! When you factor in stamps, I lost sixty cents!
Anyway, I'd like to thank, this second time around, everybody at
<rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc>, and <alt.tv.mst3k>. (My previous MiSTing
was that of nine inch nails' "Head Like A Hole".) Well, here goes!
*Special Note*: This was started right before Trace quit the show. "Then
why the hell is Frank still there?!" you may ask. Because he's just so
lovable, that's why!
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[Opening Credits]
[Doors-1234567]
[On the SoL]
[Servo is punching data into the computer console, which is connected by
wires to Crow, who is strapped to the table. Crow is wailing and
screaming.]
TOM: [To himself] New data...No plausible function...A real mystery...
CROW: AGGGGGHHHH! HELP!!!!!
TOM: Distractions, distractions...
[Servo punches another button, which sends electro-shocks down Crow's spine,
temporarily silencing him. Mike enters.]
MIKE: [With his usual childish grin] Hey, robot-pals, what's going on?
TOM: Oh, hey, Nelson. I'm just trying to figure out the answer to one of
the questions that's been plaguing me forever.
MIKE: What's that? [Obliviously] I see it has something to do with Crow
over here.
CROW: Somebody shoot me.
[Servo shocks Crow again. Crow shuts up.]
TOM: I'm trying to figure out why Crow has that weird thing on his head.
MIKE: What thing? [Points to metal webbing on Crow's head.] Oh, that thing?
TOM: Yes! Yes! Do you know?
MIKE: Hey, it's not like I made you or anything.
TOM: Oh, then I suppose we'll never know, will we?
[Servo presses a different button, which apparently puts the electro-shock
system into overload. Hundreds of thousands of volts are jetting through
Crow, who starts screaming again.]
MIKE: I guess not. [Mads light flashes.] Oh, look ye yonder, Schick and
Gillette call hither.
[Down in Deep 13]
DR. F: Why hello, tater-tot. You know, Nelson, I've been looking for almost
15 seconds to find an experiment that could top "Head Like A Hole."
FRANK: Yeah, that one WAS pretty lame, Stevenator...
Dr. F: Shut up. But before that, let me get to something else. Today I'm
going to talk about devotion and loyalty.
[SoL]
[The eyes of Mike and the 'bots collectively bug out.]
[D13]
DR. F: No, really. I am. Think about this, Mister Mike, have you ever
really devoted all of your time to a single goal?
You know, have you been truly loyal to a task?
[SoL]
MIKE: [halfway drowned out by Crow] No, Doc, can't say that I have.
TOM: Yeah, you gave up on that train set after only a couple of days.
Then there were the model airplanes...Couldn't even get a Lego
Space Station done.
MIKE: Hey, is it my fault if those things get old after a while?
[D13]
DR. F: I get the point. So now, enter THIS WEEK'S EXPERIMENT---
"$$NEED CASH TO PAY YOUR DEBTS?? READ ON!!$$", a seemingly easy
way to make mucho pesos, mercilessly cross-posted by Sacha
Dhainaut of Guadilijara. It's an instruction manual, if you will.
It looks fool-proof and sure fire to me. He's a VERY devoted man,
and my new hero. So here you go, Pinky, and be sure to take notes.
[SoL]
[Crow is still screaming.]
MIKE: Alright, chums, into the fray! OK, Crow, quiet down.
[Crow does not quiet down; in fact, he gets louder, as smoke is now
erupting from his body. Commotion erupts. Everybody is yelling and
screaming.]
[Lights flash]
MIKE: [Yelling] WE'VE GOT POST SIGN!!!
TOM: Sancho Donut?
[Mike carries Servo out. Crow is still strapped down, still heating up, and
still screaming. Alarms are going off, lights are flashing, and Gypsy is
yelling and trying to get everything back under control.]
[Doors-7654321]
[Mike enters theater, and drops Servo in his seat.]
MIKE: I sure hope they're alright out there. Maybe we shouldn't've bailed.
TOM: They'll be fine.
[Crow enters theater, all burnt, charred, and smoking.]
TOM: HEY! How'd YOU get here?
CROW: [Resentful] Why should I tell you?
>
MIKE: Shhh, it's starting.
>From gail.ripco.com!
MIKE: OK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT!
CROW: My dearest Gail-dot-Ripco-dot-Com,
TOM: [Deep singing voice] Sing, sweet Nighting-Gail-dot-Ripco-dot-Com...
MIKE: Holy Gail-dot-Ripco-dot-Com, Batman!!!
CROW: Eureka! I've cracked the Code-dot-Ripco-dot-Com!
TOM: Eek! Tez Cat?
CROW: Tez dispenser?
>news.sprintlink.net!news-stk-200.sprintlink.net!news.sprintlink.net!
news-chi-13.sprintlink.net!
MIKE: [Ready to sneeze] Aahh, AAHH, CHI-13!!!
>newsfeed.internetmci.com!solaris.cc.vt.edu!
CROW: Si! Si! Veet E-doo!
TOM: What the HELL is a fuh-see-en-see-uh?
CROW: And, for that matter, what the hell is a yoo-nam?
MIKE: You nam it, we got it!
>usenet
MIKE: Why, that's HERE!
CROW: [Grunt] Tarzan say: "Use `Net!"
>Thu Aug 8 01:21:48 1996 Xref: gail.ripco.com alt.tv.mst3k
TOM: Look! A fan!
MIKE: You're not supposed to know about that.
>:61689
TOM: What the HELL kind of smiley is that?!
>Path:
CROW: [Monty Python voice] A path! A path!
>gail.ripco.com!code.ripco.com!tezcat.com!news.sprintlink.net!
news-stk-200.sprintlink.net!news.sprintlink.net!news-chi-13.sprintlink
.net!newsfeed.internetmci.com!solaris.cc.vt.edu!hp.fciencias.unam.mx!
usenet
TOM: Now, is it just me, or did we see that one already?
>From: Jinzouningen #17
MIKE: Bless you!
CROW: Bry-hard...with a vengeance.
TOM: [Sarcastically] WhyEVER would you post anonymously? You're the few,
the proud, the get-rich-quick-scam-posters!
>Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k
TOM: Another fan!
MIKE: Tom...
>Subject: $$NEED CASH TO PAY YOUR DEBTS?? READ ON!!$$
CROW: [In Gen-X slacker voice] Read on, Garth!
MIKE: [Same voice] Read on, Wayne!
>Date: Sat, 03 Aug 1996 12:45:33 -0700
MIKE: Ahhh, those were the days...
>Organization: Your Organization
TOM: [Sarcastically] Uh-huh, I'm flattered...
>Lines: 246
MIKE: This'll take a while, boys...
[Bots groan.]
>Message-ID:
CROW: [Cop voice] License and registration, please...
>(3203AC...@bryhard.com)
NNTP-Posting-Host: roma.class.udg.mx
Mime-Version: 1.0
MIKE: Aaagghh! A mime!!!
[Bots make gunfire noises.]
>Content-Type: text/plain;
TOM: Plain as ever.
>charset=us-ascii; name="money2.txt"
MIKE: [Singing a variation on the Dire Straits song "Money For Nothing"]
Money2 nothin' and your chicks2 free...
>Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
CROW: The seven bit solution.
>X-Mailer: Mozilla 3.0b5aGold (X11; I; IRIX 5.3 IP22)
TOM: [Dubbed Japanese movie voice] Mozilla's attacking the countryside!
We must flee immediately!
>Content-Disposition:
MIKE: A fair one.
>inline;
TOM: [Military sergeant] In line, everyone! Atten-TION!
>filename="money2.txt"
CROW: [Casey Kasem voice] And now, by popular demand, an ENCORE PERFORMANCE
of "money2-dot-text"!
>PEOPLE ARE REALLY DOING THIS !
TOM: Mike, whatever could that be?
MIKE: [Devilish grin] We'll find out...heh-heh...
>Don't pass this up.
CROW: Or what?
TOM: He'll keep bugging you.
CROW: Oh, NO!
>///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
TOM: WOW! Sacha must've paid Guns 'n' Roses MILLIONS to get Slash's
likeness in here SIXTY-THREE TIMES!!!
CROW: slashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslash...
MIKE: Hee-hee, only fifty-one more times, Crow...
CROW: slashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslash...
MIKE: Thirty-nine...
>Hello!
TOM: Greetings and salutations!
CROW: slashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslash...
MIKE: Twenty-seven...
>I've got some awesome news
TOM: Our movie has hit home video?
MIKE: I SAID you're not supposed to know about that!
CROW: slashslashslash...
MIKE: (Twenty-four) Hootie and the Blowfish have retired from the music
industry?
CROW: Hey...oh, yeah...slashslashslashslashslashslash...
MIKE: (Eighteen) Independence for Quebec?
CROW: slashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslash...
MIKE: Three...
TOM: Robin Williams has returned as the voice of the Genie in "Aladdin"?
CROW: Cool...slashslashSLASH!!! [pant, pant, wheeze]
MIKE: Good work, Crow!
>that I think you need to take
CROW: A LOT of Prozac!
TOM: Or Ritalin...
>two minutes to read
MIKE: Um, Idunno, Sacha, this text looks longer than that...
TOM: Well, maybe he took the Guadalajara class of speed-reading...
>if you have ever thought
MIKE: "Why does Steve Guttenberg get all the big breaks?"
TOM: "Why did they stop at nine 'Friday the 13th' movies?"
CROW: "Where do babies come from?"
[Mike and Tom look at Crow]
CROW: It's a legitimate question!
>"How could I make some serious cash in a hurry???",
ALL: Oh.
>or been in serious debt, ready to do almost anything to get the
>money needed to pay off those bill collectors.
MIKE: Oh, come on, earning money doesn't have to be a chore...
TOM: It just depends on how horny you are.
MIKE: Tom, are we talking about the same thing here?
TOM: I thought we were...
>So grab
MIKE: Grab what?
CROW: Uh-oh.
>a snack,
M & C: [Wiping foreheads, relieved] Phew!
>a warm cup of coffee, or a glass of your favorite beverage,
CROW: What if coffee IS your favorite beverage?
TOM: Idunno, maybe Guadalajaran coffee isn't considered a beverage.
>get comfortable
MIKE: [Deep, soft, self-help tape voice] Put on some soothing music,
and maybe draw yourself a nice, warm, bubble bath.
>and listen to this interesting, exciting find!
TOM: I'm listening, I'm listening...
MIKE: Wow, interesting AND exciting in one easy-to-use package!
>Let me start by saying that I FINALLY FOUND IT!
CROW: The Ark of the Covenant?
MIKE: The 'Pulp Fiction' Directors Cut?
TOM: The perfect get rich quick scheme!
>That's right! I found it!
TOM: Who woulda' thought?
MIKE: Sheesh...
>And I HATE GET RICH QUICK SCHEMES!!
ALL: Huh?!
MIKE: Wait, I thought he said---
>I hate those schemes like
MIKE: Giving out free Snapple?
TOM: Hey, wait, isn't that a GOOD thing?
MIKE: [To Crow] He hasn't learned a thing, has he?
[Crow sighs]
TOM: What?
>multi-level marketing,
CROW: [Announcer voice] And here's the big one, kids, when you get to level
three, you get...A PAIR OF MONAURAL HEADPHONES!!!
T & M: Ooooh...aaaah...
>mail-order schemes, envelope stuffing scams, 900 number scams...
>the list goes on forever.
MIKE: It's OK, let it all out...vent...
C & T: Yes, yes...
>I have tried every darn get rich quick scheme out there
>over the past 12 years.
TOM: EVERY SINGLE ONE? Geez, how much free time did he have?
[To Be Continued...]