{MSTed} Increase Performance & Decrease Stress Guaranteed
JESTER
In the not-too-distant future....
[SOL]
<CROW> C'mon Servo, what about Ernest Borgnine?
<TOM> Overrated! We had John Saxon AND George Peppard! All "The Black
Hole" had was cheesey effects and bad box office!
<CROW> Bad box office? Well, "Battle Beyond the Stars" made "Leonard Part
6's" grosses look Speilbergian!
<TOM> At least "Battle Beyond the Stars" didn't have a floating trash can
for a robot!
<CROW> You should talk, hoverskirt!
<TOM> At least I don't look like a piece of bowling equip...
{MIKE rushes in}
<MIKE> Guys, guys...what's all the hubbub?
<TOM> Crow, for some reason, thinks Disney's "The Black Hole" is a
superior "Star Wars" ripoff to "Battle Beyond the Stars."
<MIKE> Well of course it is, Tom.
<TOM> And why is that, Leonard Maltin?
<MIKE> "The Black Hole" was produced by Disney. "Battle Beyond the Stars"
was produced by Roger Corman.
{Tom's head explodes}
<CROW> I'll go get your tool kit.
{light flashes}
<MIKE> Oh great, Professor Coldheart is calling.
[D13]
<DR.F> Well you collective heads of knuckle, today's SPAM originates from
the New Jersey Devils newsgroup, so only about three or four people=20
have seen it. It may or may not be about a new product to boost your energy=
=2E=20
I've had easier times figuring out David Lynch films than understanding
what this SPAM is selling. We do know it's made in the USA, and it's pure
evil. Enjoy!=20
[SOL]
<MIKE> Tom, Tom I'm sorry!
<TOM> Ah, ah...I saw a light! And...and Billy Barty was there, and
Carnasaur, and Joan Severence...Mike, never, ever do that again.
<CROW> What, mention Roger...
{MIKE covers his mouth}
{MOVIE SIGN!!!}
<MIKE and BOTS> We've got SPAM sign!
{6,5,4,3,2,1}
On Mon, 21 Apr 1997,=20
<TOM> ...they came, on 22 Apr 1997 they attacked, on 23 Apr 1997 we fight
back!
<MIKE> Isn't Apr the convienience store guy on The Simpsons?
William Dalgleish wrote:
<MIKE> Crow, what's wrong?
<CROW> Oh, nothing, just feeling a little Dalgleish.
=20
> INCREASE PERFORMANCE=20
<CROW> Use only genuine Michelen parts.
> AND REDUCE STRESS GUARANTEED
<TOM> Oh, I don't think we need SPAM to do *that*!
<MIKE> How would you know about that?
<TOM> There's a lot about robots you don't know about, Nelson.
<MIKE> But your arms don't even work!
=20
> I have found a product that is non-toxic,=20
<MIKE> i.e. made outside of the New Jersey area.
<CROW> It's called "The Stuff!"
<TOM> No, no, it's "Soylent Green."
> all natural that when taken daily reduces and eliminates the "feelings"
<CROW> Get rid of all those pesky feelings!
<TOM> {Borg voice} You will be assimilated!
> of stress=20
<TOM> ...and stressability, directed by Ang Lee.
> and has been used by Russian Olympic Athletes=20
<MIKE> Anabolic steroids?
<TOM> Fish tranquilizers?
<CROW> Vodka?
> and Cosmo-naughts =20
<TOM> {Ro-Man voice} "To be a Cosmo-naught."
> since the early 1950^=D2s. =20
<MIKE> It must have crashed with the Roswell craft.
<TOM> Not unless the US sent it up in that weather balloon.
=20
> I have suffered immense loss in my life,=20
<CROW> My PC crashed and I was about to beat Duke Nukem.
> divorce, the death of a
> child, job loss,=20
<MIKE> This guys' his own country music song.
> and can tell you from personal experience that when I
> started to take this USA made product=20
<TOM> {rugged flag-waver voice} BUY AMERICAN!!!!
<MIKE> Yeah, an energy booster from the laziest country in the world.
> my energy level increased=20
<CROW> I could do *two* sit-ups.
> and my feelings of stress disappeared. =20
<TOM> I will now make these feelings of stress...DISAPPEAR!
<CROW> No trick photography was used in the diappearence of the stress
and/or feelings of it.
> I arise in the morning=20
<CROW> ...look at my lover, and wonder what his name is.
> fresh and alert=20
<MIKE> And ZESTFULLY clean!
> and I can stay up until 10 or 11 pm at night=20
<TOM> {whiney brat voice} But only if mommy lets me.
> and am still alert.
<TOM> Mike, what's a lert?
<MIKE> It's kinda like a yute, but different.
<CROW> {Fred Gwynne voice} "And, uh, what is a yute?"
> I have no problem falling or staying asleep=20
<MIKE> He must be watching a lot of Star Trek: Voyager.
<TOM> SLEEEEEEEP!
> and I have never felt
<CROW> The touch of a woman?
<TOM> Comfortable in my sexuality?
<MIKE> Snuggle-soft sheets?
> drugged while taking this product. =20
<MIKE> Well, who wants that?
<TOM> When I take energy boosters, I like to feel like I just bathed in
morphine.
> I still have two small children,=20
<CROW> Lord only knows where their real mothers are.
> a mortgage,=20
<TOM> Of course it's from a Monopoly game I started in 1983.
> debt,=20
<CROW> With Wink Martendale!
> major responsibilities in my job=20
<MIKE> How many responsibilities does the guy how drains the urine from
New York City streets have?
> and home life and this product has reduced or eliminated=20
<TOM> {NFL films voice} Reduced or eliminated....you make the call!
> the feelings of anxiety and stress that these things give me.
<MIKE> And replaced them with feelings of depression and inadequecy.
<CROW> Ah, a fair trade off indeed!
=20
> If you still want to know=20
<MIKE and BOTS> WE DON'T!
> more email=20
<TOM> {whiney brat voice} MORE email, ma?
> me at wil...@adan.kingston.net
<MIKE> Oh, he's SPAMing from Jamaica.
<TOM> I wonder what relaxer *he* could be speaking of?
=20
> Sincerely, Bill=20
<CROW> Bite me, Crow.
<TOM> Say Mike, our friendly neighborhood SPAMer failed to mention one
thing.
<MIKE> What's that Tom?
<TOM> What the heck this energy booster is!
<CROW> For all we know, this could be a SPAM for Jolt Cola.
<MIKE> Nah, if it was for Jolt, it would have been much longer and
incoherent. Could it be that our the Russians have indeed developed a cure
for all of out stressful feelings?
<TOM> If they did or didn't, I guarenteee they'll be people waiting on
line in Red Square.
{exit theater}
<JESTER>
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Roger Ebert on John Pasquin's "Jungle2Jungle" -=20
=09"But no, the parents didn't stop to think, and that is because
=09they *don't think.* Why don't they think? Because no one is
=09allowed to think in this movie. Not one single event in the=20
=09entire plot can possibly take place unless every character in=20
=09the cast has brains made of Bac-o-Bits."=20
=20
Roger Ebert: A Bad Film's Worst Nightmare!!!!
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