MiSTed: Willow the Vampire Slayer? (1/4) [corrected]
Peter Milan
MiSTed: Willow the Vampire Slayer? by Pete Milan
Original Story by Lord Bowler
[SOL. Mike and the Bots are crowded around a computer. Sound of battle
come from its speakers.]
MIKE: Oh, hi. I'm Mike, they're the Bots, you know the drill. You're
gonna have to give us a minute...we've just downloaded the two
"banned" Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes off one of the
multimedia newsgroups.
TOM: Yeah, and it only took us three days to download it all...
MIKE: Anyway, we really wanted to stick it to the WB network for
banning two episodes of one of our favorite shows in the
name of appeasing overreacting parents' groups.
CROW: Got to revolution, got to revolution!
MIKE: And it looks like Graduation Day, Part 2 is just wrapping up.
So what did you think?
[TOM grunts and heads offstage]
CROW: I gotta say, Mike, I don't see what the big deal is. I mean,
sure, there is violence, and it does take place in a high
school, but beyond that, I don't see what possible connection
you could make between this and any real-life tragedy!
MIKE: Well, I think the thinking was, if any actual violence
erupted at a high school graduation, this episode would
immediately be hailed as the cause.
GYPSY: Uh...but the kids were using bows and arrows and stuff.
CROW: Yeah! When the hell have you ever seen some Clockwork
Orange droogie get hopped up on airplane glue and go on
a killing rampage with a friggin' archery set?!
GYPSY: And, uh, all the kids were fighting a big monster.
CROW: Oh, I can see it now, drive-by "archings" all across the
nation. SssshhhhTHUNK! "That was for my homey Will
Scarlet, mofo!"
MIKE: What can I tell you, guys? It's simply a case of the politics
of appeasement.
CROW: Hmmmph. I can't believe anyone thinks that the populace is so
weak-willed that watching this one episode would inspire them
to violence.
[A toilet plunger comes flying from offscreen, smacking Crow in the
face.]
MIKE: ...the hell?!
[Tom comes walking back in, carrying a longbow. No, I don't know how.]
TOM: Must...kill...must...obey Buffy...
MIKE: Oy. We'll be right back...
[Commercials. Every saga has a final chapter. Every journey has a last
step. Every show loses its star/producer and has the ratings go down
the toilet. Sliders: The Final Episode, coming soon from Sci-Fi! The
"S" is for Schadenfreude!]
[SOL. Mike is trying to yank the plunger off Crow's face.]
MIKE: ...so you weren't really hypnotized into a killing rage by Buffy?
TOM: Aw, heck no. Only "Providence" does that to me. But why give up
the chance to paste Crow in the mush?
CROW: Whuh I guh muh huhns uh yuh, Suhvuh...
TOM: Sorry, Crow, didn't quite catch that. *snicker*
CROW: Yuh uh _suh_ duhd!
TOM: Wait, lemme go get my English/Arseface dictionary...heh heh...
MIKE: Ixnay, fellas, Jamie Kellner is calling.
[Castle Forrester. Pearl, Brain Guy and Bobo stand in front of a large
monitor. They all wear mad scientist goggles.]
PEARL: Hi, Mike, how are--oh, why bother asking, it cheapens us both.
Guess what _we're_ doing?
BOBO: Conquering the world?
B.G.: You can't guess, you brainless simian! You already _know_ what
we're doing!
BOBO: ...I got it right?
PEARL: *sigh* Well, enough of this Terrence Rattigan-type dialogue. I
see you've been watching the banned Buffies. The weak will of
the American populace has given me a nifty little notion--
[SOL.]
MIKE: Lemme guess: Subliminal messages in television shows.
[Castle Forrester.]
PEARL: No, it's subliminal messages in--well, just because it's an
obvious idea doesn't mean it won't work! But what I have cooking
is a little different. I'm going to start hiring myself and the
Sublimitron 5000 out to the networks!
BOBO: Do I get to watch TV now?
PEARL: Sure, sweetie. Just make sure your homework gets done.
BOBO: Oh boy!
[Bobo pulls off his goggles, scampers off in front of the monitor and turns
it on.]
PEARL: As you can see, Bobo is watching E's The Gossip Show, and--
He watches The Gossip Show?
B.G.: Apparently he's quite the royal watcher.
PEARL: We gotta take him for more walks. Anyway, let's say I've been
hired by a rival network to screw up the Gossip Show's ratings.
I simply type in my subliminal message...[types as she speaks]
Beat Up Brain Guy and Blame the Gossip Show...
B.G.: WHAT?!
[Bobo lurches towards Brain Guy and drags him offscreen. The sounds of
a horrific beating can be heard.]
PEARL: ...annnnnd the next thing you know, Michael Musto's being
called up before a Senate sub-committee, and the ratings head
way down south.
[Bobo enters, a scrap of Brain Guy's robe in his mouth.]
BOBO: It was the beat...the beat got to me...
PEARL: Well, Skippy?
[SOL.]
TOM: Uh...wouldn't the resulting controversy actually cause the ratings
to rise as everyone tried to find out what the fuss was about?
[Castle Forrester.]
PEARL: Right. No Christmas card for you. Speaking of Buffy, here's a fanfic
of some sort...it's called Willow the Vampire Slayer.
BOBO: Willow the Vampire Slayer?
PEARL: Oh, wait, _that_'s what it's called. Good boy.
BOBO: My mommy said I was special!
B.G.: [OS] Ohhhhh...
[SOL. Consternation & uproar.]
ALL: AHHHHHHH! WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!
[7...6...5...4...3...2...1...]
TOM: Oh boy oh boy! I love me some Willow!
MIKE: You do, huh?
CROW: Willow Rosenberg? Funk queen of all creation? Oh, to be graced
with her presence!
MIKE: Funk queen? I thought that was Lynda Barry...
TOM: Nah, Willow had an uprising.
>Willow the Vampire Slayer?
>by Lord Bowler
MIKE: Well, is she or isn't she? Commit!
TOM: Damn! Why couldn't it be "Willow the Bisexual Nudist?"
CROW: Hey hey hey...it's a little early in the story for that.
[Tom and Mike stare at Crow.]
CROW: Well, you shouldn't be making lewd comments about Willow. It's
not right.
MIKE: Uh...okay.
> Willow and Co. belong to Joss Whedon and Warner Bros. No Copyright
> infringement is intended. The story and all new characters belong to
me.
>
> Part One
MIKE: Every saga has a beginning...
CROW: Every journey has a first step...
TOM: Every fanfic has something for us to make fun of.
> "...so then I lit my hair on fire and danced around the classroom
>doing the Hokey Pokey." Willow stated, testing a theory.
TOM: And then this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute--
MIKE: Let's not go into that, shall we?
> "Uh-huh, yeah." Xander replied confirming her theory, as he stared
out
>at the dance floor where Buffy and Angel where dancing.
CROW: [Xander] Okay, a jump to the left...oh, _then_ a step to the right!
Got it!
> "Well here's a new situation. You not paying any attention to me."
Willow
>said, her anger rising. "As long as your not listening, may I suggest that
you
>stop obsessing over Buffy,
TOM: But she's Simply Irresistible! Hee hee...
MIKE: That pun gave me Cruel Intentions.
CROW: Uh...Scream 2.
MIKE: What?
CROW: I dunno.
> and take a look at the world around you, you might
>even find that there is someone around who likes you for who you are and
isn't
>even a preying mantis."
TOM: Well, Zorak and Xander _have_ had an extended flirtation--
MIKE: Fine. _You_ explain that to Jen White.
> she continued "Well as much fun as it is sitting here
>being ignored by you I think I'll go home and consume my own weight in Ben
&
>Jerry's." And with that Willow grabbed up her bag and stormed out of the
Bronze.
CROW: [falsetto] They'll miss me when I'm in a Phish Food coma!
> "Sorry Willow. What were you saying?" Xander asked as he finally
looked to
>where Willow had been seated. Shrugging he turned his attention back to the
>dance floor.
MIKE: [Xander] I'm sure Buffy won't mind if I stare unblinkingly at her
while she dances with her boyfriend.
> Willow exited the Bronze into a beautiful California night. The stars
>twinkled in the sky. The moon hung overhead a waning crescent. A light
breeze
>blew out of the south. Zero percent chance of rain, but unfortunately for
>Willow one hundred percent chance of vampire.
TOM: And the extended forecast is showing a likelihood of werewolves,
a fifty percent chance of Inca Mummy Girls, and it looks like
we'll be starting off the weekend with a John Ritter robot.
> "I swear if I didn't love him so much, I'd kill him... of course if I
>didn't love him so much I really wouldn't care. O.K. Willow you're now
>officially babbling..."
CROW: No, go on! It's enchanting...*sigh*
> Willow trailed off as she detected the sound of
>movement in the bushes along the vacant street she was walking down.
TOM: Hey, neat! Sentence as inside-out tube sock!
> Casually she let her hand slip down into her bag and took some
comfort
>from the weight of the glass vial it found there, as she quickened her
>pace home.
MIKE: [falsetto] Sweet, sweet crack. You'll never desert me!
> Before she got more than a few steps however, the vampire that had
been
>stalking her burst from the bushes.
MIKE: HSSSSSS! YOU NEVER ANSWER MY PHONE CALLS!
> Fangs bared, its face twisted
>into a demonic visage, it was dressed in a torn and dirty business suit
with a
>tie that was the power color two years ago.
CROW: Gordon Gecko became a vampire?!
TOM: So not much changed for him, then.
> Jumping his victim as he did, he
>expected her to either freeze like a deer in headlights, or run screaming.
TOM: Or spontaneously bake an apple strudel.
> He
>hoped for 'run screaming' it made for better sport. What he didn't expect
was
>to be hit in the face with a vial of Holy Water, which is exactly what
happened.
ALL: NOOOOOBODY EXPECTS THE HOLY WATER!
> As the vampire howled in agony, Willow turned to run. But before she
>could get away the vampire dove at her feet tripping her.
CROW: But what's this?! Mouth of the South Jimmy Hart is coming into the
ring
with a foreign object!
> On the dance floor of the Bronze, Buffy suddenly froze, her
'spider-sense'
>going wild.
TOM: But can she swing from a web?
MIKE: Sarah Michelle Gellar in "The Horrors of Spider Island." Boy, I can
imagine
that too easily.
> She looked over at their table and immediately noticed Willow's
>absence. She hurried off the dance floor, Angel trailing behind her, and
asked,
>"Where's Willow?"
MIKE: In the upper right-hand corner, sticking her head out of the second
castle window.
> "She said something about Ben & Jerry's..." Xander began, before
Buffy cut
>him off.
TOM: [Xander] Something about her being in love with me, and a Phish Food
coma...
CROW: [muttering] Idiot.
> "I think she's in trouble, come on." Buffy said. And the three
hurried from
>the Bronze.
MIKE: Unfortunately, Spike and Dru slipped in the back door and started
slaughtering everybody.
>
>
> Willow had managed to recover the cross and stake from her bag and
was
>circling opposite the vampire looking for an escape route. The now
seriously
>disfigured vampire circled Willow carefully looking for an opening.
TOM: Try her head; she's bound to have at least five.
> He had
>under estimated her once; he wasn't going to make that mistake again,
although
>he was going to enjoy draining her.
CROW: Don't drain in vain...
> The vampire feinted at her and she jumped back,
TOM: Watching as he busted his head on the pavement.
CROW: So much for _that_ trust exercise.
> stumbling on the curb.
>As she glanced down to check her footing, the vampire pressed his
advantage,
>knocking the cross from her hand.
MIKE: Uh...I'm kinda unclear. Shouldn't the cross be, you know,
keeping him at bay, or...
TOM: No one's quite sure. I'm pretty sure Joss Whedon doesn't know.
> "Willow!" Buffy screamed as she ran down the street, knowing she
would
>be too late.
> Willow fell backwards bring up the stake as the vampire dove at her.
As
>she closed her eyes and whispered a silent prayer,
TOM: Which is kinda difficult in Yiddish. Requires a lot of phlegm.
MIKE: Really.
TOM: Oh, yeah.
> the vampire impaled
>himself on the stake, exploding into a cloud of dust.
MIKE: [Wayne Knight] _Whoa_!
> "Willow are you O.K.?" Buffy asked arriving moments before the
others.
TOM: No, Oklahoma is OK. Willow'd probably be WW.
> "Just fine. Piece of cake." Willow said without conviction as she sat
up
>covered in a fine layer of vampire dust.
TOM: [Neddie Seagoon] Vampire dust stains? Try new Cross-o, guaranteed to
clean undead material! Greenslade swears by it!
> "Way to go Willow! Vampire Slayer Extraordinare!" Xander yelled
happily.
CROW: YEAH! WOO HOO! WIL-LOW! WIL-LOW! WIL...uh...sorry. Got caught up in
the
moment.
> "A little more volume, there might be someone in town who didn't hear
you
>the first time." Angel admonished him.
MIKE: [Xander] Ah, admonish this, spinoff boy!
> "You sure your O.K.?" Buffy asked again, "You want someone to walk
you home?"
> "I'll be fine. I'm just going to go home, burn these clothes and take
a
>shower for a month." The gray tinted young woman replied.
MIKE: Bet you'd like to see that, huh, Crow?
CROW: Mmmm...no, I don't really see the appeal.
[Mike turns to Tom.]
MIKE: Okay, I'm starting to worry.
TOM: Relax...
> "Well I'd still feel better if I saw you home safe." said Buffy
taking
>Willow by the arm. "I'll meet you back at the Bronze." she told Angel.
> "Are you trying to put me out of a job?" she whispered teasingly to
>Willow as they walked.
CROW: [falsetto] Oh, of course not, you silly goose! Hee hee. Hee hee hee.
AH HA HA HA HA!
TOM: "All About Willow," coming soon to the WB's New Tuesday.
> The man on the hill,
MIKE: Saw the sun going down, and the eyes in his head saw the world
spinning round.
TOM: Is he flying a kite? It might be Stephen T. George!
> who had watched the entire series of events, put
>away his high-powered night-vision binoculars, and followed the two young
>women at a discrete distance. A smile played across the young man's face.
>He had found what he had come to Sunnydale for.
MIKE: Affordable child care!
TOM: Of course it's affordable. Half the kids in town don't make it
to eighteen.
>Willow the Vampire Slayer?
MIKE: It's so crazy it just might work!
>by Lord Bowler
TOM: I guess the bounty hunting didn't work out...
CROW: And you never see him at the pizza place anymore.
> Willow and Co. belong to Joss Whedon and Warner Bros. No Copyright
> infringement is intended. The story and all new characters belong to
me.
>
> Part Two
>
> The Next Day
CROW: ...is this gonna turn into Porky's II?
> "Morning Giles." Buffy called out as she entered the school library.
The
>library was clean, orderly, a perfect study environment, and therefore
>naturally totally devoid of students. "Any apocalyptic prophecies coming
>to pass in the next week or can I look forward to a school break of
>goofing off broken up by the occasional vampire slaying?"
TOM: Well, there's something about a Fatima prophecy, but I wouldn't
worry about it.
> "Ah, hello Buffy." The librarian answered looking up from a large
leather
>bound tome.
MIKE: [Giles] You'll have to excuse me, I was just enjoying some
delicious Taster's Choice...
> "Apocalyptic prophecies? It wouldn't appear so..." Giles
>began.
> "YES!" Buffy interrupted.
TOM: WHOA! Somebody used Herbal Essences this morning!
> "...but there are still one or two points I wanted to check out."
Giles
>continued "Willow was supposed to come in this morning and look up a
>couple of references on that contraption of hers,
CROW: I tried to use the frammistat, but the dingdong and the hoohah
weren't responding.
> but she never showed.
>You don't happen to know where she is do you?"
MIKE: Well, she did mention a twenty-four hour shower...
> "No idea. She wasn't in class this morning either. Maybe she's
ditching
>school." Buffy offered.
> "Who's ditching school?" Xander asked as he entered the library.
TOM: That rascal Ferris Bueller! He's a scamp, I say!
> "Willow." Buffy replied.
> "Our Willow?
MIKE: No, _a_ Willow. Haven't you heard she comes in six-packs?
> Perfect Attendance Girl? You must be kidding?" Xander
>responded incredulously.
> "Yeah your right. Well maybe she's sick, or just tired.
CROW: [muttering] Sick and tired of Xander...
> She did have a big
>night last night." Buffy speculated.
> "Why what happened last night?" Giles asked putting down the book.
TOM: Oz rocked her world.
CROW: HEY! This is pre-Oz.
> "Oh, just your usual Wednesday. Went to the Bronze, hung out, Willow
>killed a vampire..." Xander offered.
MIKE: It would have been a perfect night, but Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza
Place was a repeat.
> "Don't you mean 'Buffy killed a vampire.' " Giles corrected.
> "Nope." Buffy answered, "Willow got jumped walking home and by the
time I
>got there the vampire was nothing but a cloud of dust."
TOM: It turns out Willow's folks were experimented on by The Shop. If
any American Indian assassins show up, don't say where she lives,
'kay?
> "My word!"
MIKE: Jeepers!
CROW: Golly!
TOM: Holy friggin' crap!
> "Yeah she got totally covered in the stuff. It was actually kinda
funny."
>Xander grinned. "In a sad pathetic sorta way."
TOM: This from Xander "Very Suave, Very Non-Pathetic" Harris.
CROW: [muttering] Dumbass.
> "That's a thought. Any health risk associated with vampire dust we
should
>be aware of?" Buffy asked.
CROW: Not if you use protection. Like a big honkin' stake.
> "Vampire dust?" Giles responded "I shouldn't think so although I
would
>have to do some research to --"
> "Where is she?!" Cordelia interrupted, storming into the library.
MIKE: [Giles] Cordelia, please! The hailstones will ruin the tilework!
> "Who?" Xander asked.
> "Who? Willow." Cordelia ranted "She's suppose to be helping me study
for
>my science mid-term, right now."
> "Since when do you care about science?" Buffy inquired.
TOM: [Cordelia] Since I realized that cold fusion can be realized through
the use of two badgers and some string!
> "I don't." Cordelia answered "But Daddy says if I don't pass I'll
have to
>go on that stupid extra-credit nature retreat over break instead of
>Cancun, and there is no way that I'm going to be beachless this break.
CROW: In October of 1994, Cordelia Chase went into the woods for an
extra-credit nature retreat and disappeared. A year later, her
makeup was found.
TOM: The Hot Chick Project.
>So where is she?"
> "We're not sure. We were just speculating about that ourselves."
Giles
>replied.
MIKE: I got twenty bucks says she's dead!
TOM: I'll take that action!
> "Oh that's just great. This has something to do with this whole
Slayer
>thing. I just know it. Ever since I got sucked into this vortex of
>weirdness you three live in my life has been an un-ending nightmare.
>Vampires. Demons.
TOM: Human sacrifice!
CROW: Dogs and cats living together!
MIKE: Mass hysteria!
> And now a week in the woods with science geeks. Haven't
>I suffered enough!" Cordelia wailed.
MIKE: Just you wait; by the end of the second season, you'll be dating
Xander!
CROW: [Cordelia] NOOOOOOO!
> Before anyone could answer they were interrupted by the intercom.
"Would
>Buffy Summers and Alexander Harris please report to the principals
>office... Would Buffy Summer and Alexander Harris please report to the
>principals office."
CROW: We have located your lost copies of _How To Make Love To A Dead Man
And Make
Him Beg For More_ and _Bedwetting: Beat It Through Self-Hypnosis_.
> "So what do you think he wants to see us about" Buffy whispered to
Xander
>as they sat in the row of orange plastic chairs outside Principal Snyder's
>office.
MIKE: He probably just wants to remind them that if they don't eat their
meat, they can't have any pudding.
> "Hard to say. At any given time we have a dozen different things
>outstanding that we've done wrong." Xander whispered back.
TOM: [Xander] Hope they didn't find that bootleg copy of _The Matrix_ in
my locker...
> "Miss Summers. Mr. Harris. Principal Snyder will see you now." the
school
>secretary announced as she place her phone back on the receiver.
MIKE: So will his huge, terrifying ears.
> Buffy and Xander walked into the principal's office to be greeted not
only
>by the balding tyrant who ran their school, but also by a uniformed police
>officer. *Police Office + Principal = Not Good* Buffy thought to herself.
TOM: But Police Officer divided by Principal and Multiplied by Ice
Cream Man equals Delicious!
> "Have a seat you two." Principal Snyder said and they did.
> "Are we in some kind of trouble?" Buffy asked nervously.
CROW: [Snyder] No, but I am! Between being eaten on this show and DS9
getting
axed, I'm going broke! Empty your pockets!
> "As much as it surprises me. No." Principal Snyder replied "Officer
Murphy
>here just wants to ask you a few questions. Officer."
> "I understand that the two of you are friends with one Willow
>Rosenberg..." the middle-aged, heavyset policeman began.
MIKE: [Cop] I was just wondering, is she single?
CROW: Mike!!
TOM: ...yeesh. Creepy.
> "Willow! Is she O.K.? Do you know where she is? She wasn't at school
this
>morning." Buffy and Xander replied stepping over each other's words.
MIKE: [Buffy] Do you have a police car?
TOM: [Xander] Do you like ducks?
CROW: [Buffy] I have a brown doggie!
MIKE: [Snyder] Got any parts for a character actor?
TOM: [Buffy] Officer, what's Vietnam?
CROW: [Xander] Are there ducks there?
> "We're not sure where Miss Rosenberg is. Her parents were out of town
last
>night. When they returned home this morning, they found that the back door
>had been forced open. There were signs of a struggle. But your friend was
>no where to be found. It would appear Miss Rosenberg has been kidnapped,"
>the officer concluded.
ALL: AND SOMEBODY'S RESPONSIBLE!
TOM: Time to go...
{7...6...5...4...3...2...1...]
[SOL. Mike & The Bots are hangin' out.]
MIKE: Well, not too bad so far.
TOM: I've certainly seen worse. Much, much worse.
CROW: *sigh* Willow...
TOM: Hoo boy.
MIKE: Say, Crow--
TOM: Mike, I beg you not to ask him about his attraction to Willow.
MIKE: I wasn't gonna. Why not?
TOM: He'll sing.
MIKE: What?
TOM: Look, just trust me, all right? He sang about Kim Cattrall, he sang
about Estelle Winwood, and he'll sing about Willow when prodded.
MIKE: Aw, c'mon, no he won't.
TOM: Fine. It's your funeral. I'm outta here.
[Tom exits. Mike looks at Crow for a moment.]
MIKE: Say, Crow--
CROW: What would I do if I had a date with Willow, the lovely and talented
star of today's experiment? I'm glad you asked, Mike!
MIKE: That's not what I was gonna--
CROW: Cambot, HIT IT!
[to the tune of If I Had A Million Dollars by Barenaked Ladies]
CROW: If I had a date with Willow,
MIKE: Uh...if he had a date with Willow,
CROW: Well, I'd go to her house.
MIKE: He would go to her house.
CROW: And if I had a date with Willow,
MIKE: If he had a date with Willow,
CROW: We'd make popcorn at her house.
MIKE: Maybe movie-style with extra butter!
CROW: And if I had a date with Willow,
MIKE: If he had a date with Willow,
CROW: We'd watch rented movies.
MIKE: Probably a romantic comedy.
CROW: And if I had a date with Willow,
I'd be in loooooove...
If I had a date with Willow,
MIKE: He'd wear his good suit and his tie!
CROW: If I had a date with Willow,
MIKE: He would bring his date a fresh-baked pie!
CROW: If I had a date with Willow,
MIKE: Maybe made of boysenberries or cherries or--
CROW: A fresh-baked pie?!
MIKE: Well, you didn't warn me I was gonna have to sing too.
CROW: I'm just saying, I've never brought a date a fresh-baked pie.
MIKE: It works surprisingly well!
CROW: Uh-oh, second verse--
If I had a date with Willow,
MIKE: If he had a date with Willow,
CROW: I'd take her to the zoo.
MIKE: But not a real zoo; that's cruel.
CROW: And if I had a date with Willow,
MIKE: If he had a date with Willow,
CROW: I'd help her feed the baby goats!
MIKE: Just make sure to wash your hands.
CROW: And if I had a date with Willow,
MIKE: If he had a date with Willow,
CROW: I'd take her to Chuck E. Cheese.
MIKE: Ooh, all those crazy big rat guys!
CROW: And if I had a date with Willow,
I'd be in loooooove...
If I had a date with Willow,
MIKE: They wouldn't have to fight the undead!
CROW: If I had a date with Willow,
MIKE: They'd go somewhere fancy with fresh bread!
CROW: And if I had a date with Willow,
MIKE: He'd pay a lot of money for their dinner!
CROW: Only filet mignon for my baby!
MIKE: So was that better?
CROW: Oh, yeah, much. I like that.
[Tom comes back in.]
TOM: Are you two done yet?
CROW: Last verse.
If I had a date with Willow,
MIKE: If he had a date with Willow,
CROW: I'd buy her a Frappuccino.
MIKE: But not a real Frappuccino; that's cruel.
CROW: And if I had a date with Willow,
MIKE: If he had a date with Willow,
CROW: Well, I'd give her a backrub!
MIKE: Even though his arms don't work!
CROW: And if I had a date with Willow,
MIKE: If he had a date with Willow,
CROW: I'd buy her a monkey!
MIKE: Doesn't she already have a monkey?
CROW: And if I had a date with Willow,
I'd be in loooooove...
If I had a date with Willow,
MIKE: Please, Willow, call him!
CROW: If I had a date with Willow,
TOM: If only to get him to stop singing!
ALL: If he had a date with Wiiiiiiiiiillooooooow....
He'd be rich!
CROW: I'd be rich?
MIKE: Couldn't think of something else that fit.
TOM: Can we go now?
[Commercials. Marc Singer, Richard Tyson and Ernest Borgnine star in
_Beastmaster
4: Grumpy Old Ferrets_ on this week's Scinema Event!]
--
Pete
deu...@yahoo.com
deu...@prodigy.net
"If you start out depressed, everything's
kind of a pleasant surprise." -- Lloyd Dobler