MSTed(group) Premier Maquis (new 2/6)

[Loren Haarsma]

=========================== part 2/6 ===============================

[return from commercials]

>>
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: NEW Premier Maqui part 2
>> Date: 11 Sep 1996 01:02:06 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 142
>> Message-ID: <51532e$n...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: oscar.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]

Crow09: So I guess we get this whole shmear every time?
Tom09: Looks that way....

>>
>>
>>
>> Title: Premier Marqui

Tom13: First Noble? Mike, this just doesn't parse!

>> Author: Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu)
>> Series: DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions
>> Expected Completion: 13 weeks
>> TV-Guide-like blub:

Tom14: [as TV-Guide] One-half star....
Tom08: [foaming at mouth] It's BLURB! BLURB, I tell you!
Mike08: Easy, Tom.

>> The Marqui declare Independence and try to steal some starships.

Crow08: Readers declare boredom.

>> Marrissa and the USS Stargazer try to stop them

Tom08: [as announcer] Guest-starring Gerald McRaney as Marrissa.
Mike08 and Crow08: HUH?

Tom09: [as "blub"] Millions die, and Marrissa gets promoted to Supreme
Dictator-for-Life.

Tom15: You getting a feeling of deja vu?
Crow15: Not really....

>>
>> Please tell me what you liked, disliked, or just hated. I can
>> take what ever you throw at me. You can't get any worse that ratmm
>> after all.

Mike08: They say that ratmm is one bad...
Tom08: Shut yo' MOUTH!
Mike08: But I'm just talkin' 'bout ratmm.
Crow08: I can dig it.

Crow09: Rented "Animaniacs" Tapes Might Melt?
Mike09: Righteous Alabamians Trample Mississippi Mud?
Tom09: Rec.Arts.TV.MST3K.Misc?
Crow09: Ah, don't be silly, Servo.

>>
>> This Story is a work of fiction.

All06: THANK GOD!!!

Crow08: Not a GOOD work of fiction, by any stretch of the imagination,
but a work of fiction, nonetheless.
Tom08: You could make a good case that this is in fact nonfiction.
Mike08: HUH?
Tom08: Fiction is supposed to be plausible.
Mike08 and Crow08: Aaaah.

>> Names, characters, places and
>> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used

Mike08: Inappropriately.

>> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons,
>> living or dead, is entirely coincidental

Tom08: Any resemblance to a coherent story is probably misapplied.
Tom15: You getting a feeling of deja vu?
Crow15: Not really....

>>
>> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company.
>> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996.

Mike08: Everything else is property of Marrissa.

>>
>> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
>>
>> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be
>> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
>> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
>> By order of the Author.

Tom15: You getting a feeling of deja vu?
Crow15: Not really....
Mike15: Ok, we've run that joke into the mire....

>>
>> Chapter One

Tom12: The Armageddon.
Mike07: ... in which Pip visits Miss Havisham and learns a Secret.
Tom11: Your Honor, the author pleads guilty of chapter in the first degree.

Crow08: Oh, so it's starting.
Tom08: Not necessarily.
Crow10: Better settle in. Maybe get a sandwich or something.

>>
>> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard

Tom15: Oh, dear, she's been promoted!
Crow15: Again.

>> entered the bridge of the
>> USS Miranda.

Crow12: Rights.
Tom10: But she failed to secure a warrant first and the case was thrown
out of court.

Tom09: Miranda Richardson?
Crow09: ... leading a fleet composed of the USS Helen Mirren, USS Vanessa
Redgrave, and USS Joan Plowright.

>> Noticing Captain T'Gwen Washington

Mike08: [as T'Gwen] Marrissa noticed me! I'm alive!
Tom06: Nice to know that *someone's* not beneath Marrissa's notice
here....

>> she said,

Tom14: [as Marrissa] Get out of my command chair!

>> "Reporting as
>> ordered, Captain."

Tom08: [as T'Gwen] Damn! I was hoping you wouldn't take me seriously.

>> "Lieutenant Commander Picard, I presume," T'Gwen said.

Crow06: You were expecting, maybe, Dr. Livingstone?
Crow13: You were expecting, maybe, Dr. Livingstone?

Tom15: You presume too much, Mister Bond....
Crow10: You know, when you presume, you make a pres out of... uh... oh,
wrong one....

>> "I
>> regret that I can not take command of the Stargazer at the moment,

Tom10: [as T'Gwen] But I... uh... have to wax the cat so I'll just see you
later, okay? Bye. That alarm that says "warp core breach" is just
broken, it's been like that all week. Don't think about it.

>> but I
>> must wait for the Victory to arrive so I can turn over command of the
>> Miranda to Captain Zimbata."

Crow06: Hikeeba!
Tom06: Zimbata!
Crow10: Miranda Zimbata Jingleheimer-Schmidt.

Tom05: Ah, but I love Ratliff's naturalistic dialogue.

Tom13: Wasn't that an album by The Police --- "Zimbata Mondatta"?
Mike13: Zenyatta, not Zimbata.

Tom08: [singing] Hakuna Zimbata...
Mike08: [singing] He's still in a daze...
Crow08: [singing] He'll regret his involvement...
Tom08: [singing] For the rest of his days.

Crow03: Say, is T'Gwen a masculine name or a feminine one?
Mike03: Possibly T'Gwen is a hermaphrodite.

>> "I understand, Captain, I assume that means I will be turning
>> command over to our Cardassian First Officer," Marrissa commented.

Mike15: [as Marrissa] Commander Whatshisface. The alien type guy....
Mike08: At the risk of sounding like a fanboy, HUH?

Crow13: Of course not. In *this* story, all commands are turned over to
underqualified minors.
Crow11: [as Marrissa] You know, that would be a pity. The last person
who removed me from command had this unfortunate ... accident.

>> "No, Gusat

All09: Gesundheit!

>> has orders to report to Captain Washington of the
>> Stargazer, and since I have not taken command of that vessel yet, he can
>> not report in, and hence command it," Washington commented.

Crow09: It's "Syntax-a-Poppin'" week here at Ratliff Central.
Tom14: [as T'Gwen] We tried phoning Gusat to explain all this, but the
lines were busy.

Tom03: Hmmm, what? Is there more than one Washington in this story?
Crow03: That explains it, T'Gwen's a group entity. One female and one male.

Tom11: I'm not even going to *try* to parse that last sentence.
Mike11: It's really quite easy. T'Gwen was supposed to hand command of the
Stargazer over to Gusat, but T'Gwen can't do that since she isn't
in command of the Stargazer. And because T'Gwen can't make the
transfer of command because Marrissa's in command, she's leaving
Marrissa in command.
Tom11: Thanks, Mike. It's all clear to me now. [Starts shivering]

Tom15: What the...??? Trying to puzzle that thing out's giving me a
headache.
Mike15: Don't think, you'll enjoy it more.
Crow15: Ah, the Brannon Braga theory of television production....

>> "So I guess
>> you will have to stay in command until then."

Crow07: [as Marrissa] Oh poopie.
Tom02: Another dribbling plot device to put Marrissa in charge.
Mike15: [dully] They've placed Marrissa in command again. What a surprise.
Crow08: [as Church Lady] How conveeeeeeeeeeenient.

Tom06: Let me see if I've got this straight. Since "Captain Washington
of the Stargazer" is in command of another ship at the moment,
she's become a completely different person?
Crow06: Does *anybody* here think that it wouldn't be just as easy for
First Officer Gusat to be having this conversation with Captain
Washington?

Mike10: This isn't a galactic organization so much as it is a high school
student council.

>> "It's no hardship," Marrissa replied.

Crow13: No, it's a STARship! Heh heh heh.
Mike06: [as Marrissa] In fact, it'll be kinda neat to have the
Stargazer's crew under my thumb again.

Crow12: [as Marrissa] I'm just gonna run out and kill some things.
Tom09: [as Marrissa] Oh, all right, Captain, I'll command your puny
vessel for a while longer, but I want that dreadnought here in a
week, or heads will roll!

>> "Oh, and Captain, the
>> Cardassian Central Command

Crow07: Cardassian Central? Hey, that'd be funnier than---
Mike07: Shh, you're not supposed to know about that.

>> has requested permission for their officers
>> who will be joining the Stargazer to be allowed to wear Star Fleet
>> uniforms.

Mike13: They like the way its skin-tight design leaves nothing to the
imagination....
Tom15: Yeah, they want to erase any sense of individual culture as soon as
possible.
Crow15: And I thought the Borg were obsessed with assimilation....

>> The Admiralty has informed them that such decisions are the
>> Captain's prerogative on an individual basis."

Mike08: And, in a Ratliff story, central to the action.
Tom08: Inaction.
Mike08: Right.

Tom04: [as Marrissa] Today it's Starfleet uniforms. Tomorrow, Starfleet
bobby pins. Give an inch and they take a mile!
Crow11: [as Marrissa] No Starfleet uniform for you. You look much cuter
in a Cardassian uniform.

Mike09: Wait, back up here. Why are there Cardassians on a Starfleet ship
in the first place?
Tom09: The Cardassians need a little civilizin', and Marrissa's just the
gal fer th'job!

Tom06: Why haven't they been told that they *have to* wear Starfleet
uniforms? They're under Starfleet orders on board a Starfleet
vessel.
Mike06: This is Ratliffleet. You need permission from the first officer
to go into second gear.
Crow06: Not to mention changing your underwear.

Crow03: I think T'Gwen's a woman, since they're talking about clothing and
fashion and femme-y stuff like that.

>> "Inform the Cardassian Central Command that I will grant that
>> permission," the half Vulcan

Tom13: Half

>> Captain

Crow13: Half

>> replied.

Mike13: OK, that's enough of that.

>> "I suggest that you grant
>> interim permission as well, Commander."

Tom04: Intermission? Did they say intermission?
Mike04: No, no --- calm down.

Tom11: Absolutely no one will remain seated duing the intense Dress Code
scene!

Mike15: Yes, everyone wants to cast away their stupid alien cultures and
join the Federation.
Crow15: [announcer voice] The Federation: We're better because the humans
run us.

Tom03: T'Gwen's got to be male. When's the last time you saw a
female Vulcan who wasn't a member of Spock's family?

>> "Aye, sir," Picard replied. "If you'll excuse me, I've just
>> been informed that I'm to attend a diplomatic function tonight

Tom10: [as Marrissa] Apparently, I'm to be a sacrifice to appease some
war gods or something....

>> aboard
>> the station, and I forgot to pack a dress."

Crow11: [as Marrissa] And a whip! These diplomats can be hard to handle.
Tom04: [announcer voice] But in Marrissa's hands, it becomes a
diplomatic *mal*function! Will the fun never cease? Marrissa
Explains It All...
All04: Here on Nickelodeon!

Mike02: Wow, the great Marrissa forgot something.
Crow02: A moment to be treasured.
Crow09: [as Marrissa] Lessee here, we got the Admiral's Uniform, Battle-
Armor, Borg Costume, Dominatrix Outfit ... What?!? Not one single
Empire Gown in the whole lousy stinking lot?!?!?

>> "Dismissed, Lieutenant Commander," Captain T'Gwen Washington
>> concluded.

Crow10: They're apparently all allergic to actually *saying* anything.
Tom15: Concluded what? *What?* English, Stephen! Do you speak it?!?

Tom08: [as T'Gwen] I thought I'd NEVER get her outta here.
Mike08: She DOES suck the air right out of a room, doesn't she?

Crow03: T'Gwen's gotta be a woman. Marrissa forgets her dress and all
she says is, "Dismissed, Lieutenant Commader," instead of, say,
"Well, why don'tcha forget everything else as well, yuk yuk!"

>>
>> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard

Mike07: I forgot. What rank is she again?

>> walked down Deep Space
>> Nine's Promenade,

Tom10: ... practicing her square dancing.

>> while waiting for Garak to finish her dress.

Tom04: ... this presented some difficulty, as she was still wearing it.
Mike04: Luckily, his time in the Obsidian Order prepared him for this
eventuality.

Tom13: ... which meant that she was walking around in the nude and was
about to be arrested.
Mike13: You've read too many of the "Marrissa ogling scenes."

>> As she
>> walked toward Quark's she spied Captain Sisko's son, Jake.

Crow13: [as Jake] Are you spying on me??
Tom09: It's the Sisko kid!
[Mike09 & Crow09 groan.]
Tom09: Oh, like you haven't been thinking the exact same thing since the
show first went on the air.

>> "Jake," she
>> called out. As he walked up to Marrissa, she continued, "Remember me,
>> Marrissa?"

Tom06: [as Jake] Yes... despite all my best efforts.
Mike09: [as Jake] AHH-H-H-H!!! YOU'RE REAL!!! GO AWAY! GO AWAY!!!!

Mike11: \
Mike12: - [as Jake] No, you Marrissa. Me Jake.
Mike13: /
Mike08:/

>> "How could I forget the person who provided me with my first,

Crow13: Tongue kiss.
Mike13: Ewwwwww! That's BEYOND sick!

>> and so far only authorized biography contract," Jake replied.

Crow10: ...in response.
Tom08: [as Jake] I'll be YEARS paying off the loss on this one.
Mike15: I vividly remember the stir it caused when it made Oprah's Book
Club....

>> "Especially since it sold five trillion copies, and was on the
>> bestsellers list for 8 weeks.

Mike09: Everyone had to buy one. I mean, *had* to buy one.
Crow09: So where is your copy of Marrissa's book?!? You are supposed to
have it with you at all times!! GUARDS!! TAKE THEM AWAY!!

Mike06: Oh boy. Now we *know* that Ratliff is living in his own fantasy
world. He actually expects his readers to believe that people
would *pay* to read Marrissa stories!
Tom06: I could see that happening...
Mike06 & Crow06: HUH?!?
Tom06: ... if they were promoted as tales of horror.

Tom14: Ratliff indulging egotistical fantasies. Not a pretty sight.
Crow03: "Marrissa's Story: In Which She Explains Just Why She Always Gets
the Easy Breaks."

Crow08: Because EVERYONE loves Marrissa!
Tom08: And because she's a twelve-year-old girl with a whip and a
phaser.
Mike08: Tom! How could you?!
Tom08: No, I was saying because they'd be... Awww....

Mike10: Pop culture in the 24th century is apparently pretty easily
amused.
Tom10: No wonder they're all fascinated with 20th Century U.S. culture.

>> Tell me, can I write a sequel?"

Tom13: Only if you're a loser from Radford University. Heh heh.
Tom12: Ratliff, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Mike03: Haven't you written enough Marrissa sequels already?!

Mike08: So Jake is the Michael Crichton of Ratliff's universe.
Tom08: Looks like it.
Mike09: Jake's trying to stay alive by proving he's in some way useful to
Marrissa.

>> "Maybe when I've done a little more," Marrissa said.

Crow12: [as Marrissa] Wait till the end of this chapter.
Crow14: [as Marrissa] I've only conquered 1/3 of the galaxy yet.
Crow11: [as Marrissa] I've only laid waste to half the galaxy yet.

>> "Your last
>> one ended when I took that Trakce ship.

Tom13: Eckart spelled backwards.
Crow13: What the heck is Eckart?
Mike13: Well, it sounds like "Eckerd" --- a drug store down south.
Tom13: He named an alien race after a DRUG STORE?!?

>> I've only discovered that I'm a
>> Princess

Crow13: [whiny] I want a new mink coat! I want to go to Miaaaaami!
Mike13: [scolding] That's a very negative stereotype. Shame on you!
Tom13: Yet oddly appropriate.
Mike13: [warningly] Tom!

>> and got promoted since then."

Crow04: Modesty incarnate.
Crow07: [as Marrissa] Yeah, just everyday humdrum trivia recently.
Crow02: [as Marrissa] At least wait until I'm God of the Universe.

Crow08: [as Jake] You're right. It's not much of a story.
Mike08: Well, *we* could have told him that.

Mike06: [as Jake] Ho hum. Is that all?
Crow06: [as Marrissa] Yeah, same old same old. All these awards get
pretty boring after a while....

Mike11: Even Marrissa seems to want to forget "Time Speeder."

Mike10: Jake, if it weren't for exposition, would you exist at all?
Tom10: Doesn't matter, she'd break into the intercom and tell everyone
if he weren't here.

>> "I didn't see the Enterprise come in,

Mike13: It used the servants' entrance.

>> and it's hard to miss a
>> Galaxy class starship," Jake commented.

Mike06: [as Jake] Especially when you've got a whole bank of photon
torpedoes locked onto it.
Tom11: [as Jake] Then again, my aim sucks.

Crow13: That's true. I miss it already. [breaks down, crying] Oh, how I
miss it!
Mike13: [patting Crow13] There, there.

>> "So are you here on vacation?"

Tom08: *Please* tell me that he's not hitting on her.
Mike08: He's not hitting on her.
Tom08: Thanks.
Mike08: I hope.

Mike10: [as Marrissa] No, I'm here on a space station...oh, wait...oh.
Tom13: [as Marrissa] Sort of. Galactic domination is kind of a hobby
with me.

Tom15: [as announcer] Come visit sunny Deep Space Nine, Ground Zero for
an imminent Dominion invasion.
Crow15: [as announcer] Go home with plenty of pictures and a body count....

>> "No, I got a promotion and a transfer,"

Tom06: [as Marrissa] It was the only way they could get rid of me.

>> Marrissa replied. "I'm
>> now Second Officer and Fighter Commander on the USS Stargazer NCC-2893."

Mike10: ZIP 07746-2305.
Crow10: UPC 59800 21742.
Tom10: ISBN 0-89954-995-0.

Crow03: [as Marrissa] And you, I understand, are now the head barman in
Ten Forward. And I've heard that your parents have gotten night
jobs as private eyes while they continue to work at DS9 during the
day. Aren't these long stretches of expository text just wonderful?

Mike15: Fighter commander?
Tom15: When did these ships get fighters?
Crow15: Probably something he stole from "Babylon 5." It's becoming
required at Paramount these days.

>> "Congratulations, Marrissa," Jake replied. "If I remember what
>> my dad said,

Mike10: [as Jake] My head will be clogged full of pointless baseball
anecdotes.

>> you'll be having a great adventure in the demilitarized
>> zone."

Mike04: Playing with discarded munitions and so forth.
Tom08: Yep ... Demilitarized Zones: Family fun for everyone!
Crow13: The Demilitarized Zone! A place to relax from the stresses of the
work day.
Crow11: Yes, choose death! Death, the greatest adventure of them all!
This message was brought to you by the Death Council.

Tom12: [quietly] I'd rather she was sent to the dematerialized zone.

>> "The Marqui thought they had problems with the Intrepid class,"

Tom06: But they won't know what trouble *is* until they've taken
Professor Johnson's English class....
Mike08: Actually, the FEDERATION has problems with the Intrepid class.

>> Marrissa said. "Wait till they see what my Essex-10 fighters can do."

Mike13: [as Marrissa] Blue Angels, bite me!
Tom13: [in awe] Mike just said "bite me"!
Crow13: Our plan is working.

Tom08: But can they do the Kessel run in twelve parsecs?
Mike03: [as Marrissa] It wasn't destructive enough at first, so I rewired
it. More power!! Arrh arrh arrh!
Tom03: T'Gwen might be a female, but I'm not so sure about Marrissa.

Crow10: SX-10? Isn't that the portable version of the Commodore 64 that
nobody bought?

Crow15: Marrissa designed her own fighters?
Tom15: Well, lowest bidder and all....
Mike15: [as Ralph Nader] The Essex-10, unsafe at any velocity!

>> "Record a battle for me," Jake asked. "It might help with my
>> series I'm writing about a Marqui fighter."

Mike14: [as Jake] I promise I won't sell classified material to the
Dominion or nothing.
Crow06: [as Marrissa] And because it's you, Jake, I won't even bother to
edit out any classified information from the recording.
Mike06: After the success of DOOM, all fighters came with a -record
{filename}.lmp feature built in....

>> "You know a Marqui?" Marrissa inquired

All02: Traitor! Traitor!
Tom08: [as announcer] Treason: It's what's hot!
Tom04: [as Ratliff] Yes --- they're a group of freedom fighters I
invented. I simply altered the spelling of "Maquis." Much like
the word "Tracke" is derived from "Crappe," a common French
perjorative.

>> "Not really, but I've interviewed several captured ones and I've
>> been writing fiction books about one," Jake said.

Tom13: Enterprized, A Gul's Revenge, Cadet Cruise....
Crow07: [as Jake] Plus, my invisible friend Bunky is a Marqui.
Crow03: Oh, so Jake's the author of the famous "Johnny Maquaine." See,
'cause it's like "Johnny Tremaine" but different... heh... uh,
never mind.

>> "Hey, isn't that your
>> new first officer, Gusat?"

All09: Gesundheit!
Mike10: [as Jake] And look! He's wearing your new dress!

Tom04: [as Garak] No, my name is Garak. I am a simple tailor whose job
it is to mend... to alter... to repair --- yet I find myself
hampered by this young lady's incessant movements.
Mike04: Good Garak, Tom.
Tom04: [bows as best he can; almost tips over]

>> "I believe you are right, Jake," Marrissa replied.

Crow09: [as Marrissa] And for that, you must die!

>> "If you will
>> excuse me, I better go introduce myself."

Tom04: [as Garak] No! Wait! I'm not done yet!
Tom08: [as Marrissa] I don't have much time to subjugate him to my will....
Crow06: [as Marrissa] But come and see me later. I could use a kid like
you in my organization.

Tom09: If everybody in the galaxy owns five copies of her book, why does
she need to introduce herself?
Tom13: [as Marrissa] Hi, I'm Marrissa, and I'll be your annoying twit
for the evening.

Mike15: She doesn't even know what her first officer looks like?
Crow15: Marrissa Picard --- she just doesn't care....

>>
>> The Cardassian officer Gusat was on his way to Quarks for a
>> little Dabo

Crow14: Hey, that's dirty!
Mike14: It's a gambling game, Crow.
Crow14: Oh.... Never mind.

Mike09: I could go for a little Olivia D'Abo myself.
Crow04: Olivia or Maryam?
Mike04: And don't call her little --- she's got Q powers.
Tom04: Yeah --- she'll probably smite you or cast you out or something.

>> when Marrissa caught up with him. "Gusat,"

All09: Gesundheit!

>> she inquired.
>> "Yes," he responded.
>> "I'm Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard, I'll be serving as
>> Second Officer and Fighter Commander under you on the Stargazer."

Mike08: Not a *word*, Crow.
Crow12: That's just too easy. I'm not gonna say it.

Tom06: [as Marrissa] But you'll have to wait until hell freezes over
before I'll let you actually give me orders.

Crow09: I wonder what the Cardassian term for "Ritual Suicide" is?
Tom09: "Marrissa."

>> "I've been looking forward to meeting you face to face," Gusat
>> smiled.

Mike06: [as Gusat] Now you're an easy target for my disruptor....
Tom11: [as Gusat] I've been waiting to smack you in the face ever
since....
Mike11: [interrupting Tom11] Let's not build our hopes up too high,
shall we?

Tom10: Even as we speak, James Blish is rising from the grave to assault
Stephen Ratliff.
Mike10: Good.

>> "Have we meet before?" Marrissa asked.

Mike07: [as Gusat] No, but I've read a few crappy fanfics about you.
Crow08: [as Gusat] No, this is the first time we've meet, but I'm sure
we'll met again.
Mike08: Did Ratliff PAY that proofreader?

>> "We have," Gusat responded. "I was a helmsman on Gul Ducat's
>> ship when you drove him insane."

Tom02: As well as the rest of us.
Tom06: Especially the readers!
Mike11: Especially the readers!
Mike03: Oh no. Not a flashback...?!!

Mike10: Oh, Ducat read that Marrissa biography too?
Tom13: Ducat read the Marrissa fanfic series!

>> "I wasn't aware that I caused him that much harm," Marrissa
>> replied. "I only wanted to humiliate him."

Tom14: [as Marrissa] And subjugate him, like I do *all* adults in my
presence.
Mike07: [as Marrissa] And crush his soul under my heel, hee hee hee!
Mike06: [as Marrissa] Humiliation is fun! I don't see why anyone would
make such a big deal out of it....

Crow09: [as Marrissa] I usually charge for inducing madness.
Humiliation's just a hobby, y'know? It's this little thing I do.
Crow11: [as Marrissa] Public humiliation of others is *all* I ever want.
I have no other motivation for existence! Well, that, and telling
others what to do. Oh yeah, and killing people.

Crow12: [as Marrissa] Did he really mind the dog collar that much?
Mike08: I thought just his being in the story was humiliation enough.

>> "Well you did a good job and since he went mad, everyone under
>> him got promoted," Gusat said.

Tom06: [as evil Chekov] You go bonkers, and we *all* move up in rank!

>> "So I must thank you for that."

Mike11: So when someone above you goes nuts, you get promoted?
Tom11: I think Ratliff has finally explained Marrissa's rapid rise
through the ranks.
Tom13: Nothing like provoking a little insanity in your commanding
officer for personal gain.
Crow14: Ah yes, a Captain goes mad and every single ensign under him
becomes a lieutenant. I can see that.

Crow08: [as Gusat] You *must* permit me to drive one of your leaders
out of his or her mind sometime....
Mike09: [as Gusat] Thank you for spreading insanity through the galaxy
--- just please, don't hurt me!

>> "Your welcome, Glinn," Marrissa replied as they sat down at the
>> bar. "Strawberry soda,

Crow04: [singing] Forever....

>> Quark, and don't you even think of spiking it
>> this time."
>> "Spiking it?" Glinn Gusat questioned.

Tom11: [as Marrissa] Yeah, putting spikes and razor blades in it. I
almost cut my tongue off.

>> "He, unintentionally he claims, gave me a strawberry Bajoran

All08: Eeewwwwwww!

>> ale

All08: Whew!

>> when I was here for my twelfth birthday," Marrissa explained. "And I
>> had little tolerance for alcohol at the time."

Crow04: [as Marrissa] But after several mandatory Beverage Diversity
seminars, I'm now far more tolerant.
Mike06: [as Marrissa] But now my fourteen-year-old liver and I can booze
it up with the best of them!
Crow02: [as Marrissa] But now I can pack 'em away just like Admiral Scott.
Crow08: [as Marrissa] Now, of course, I can drink like a fish.

Mike03: Aaargh! Stop threatening us with these flashbacks!

>>

Mike15: Oh.
Tom15: And the scene just kinda peters out....

>> The Intrepid class starship Fearless

Tom04: Wasn't Jeff Bridges' character in "Fearless" allergic to
strawberries?
Crow04: Indeed --- and wasn't Marrissa just speaking of strawberry soda?
Tom04: And wasn't John DeLancie in "Fearless"?
Mike04: Eerie, guys, really eerie.

Mike13: [singing] You say the hill's too steep to cliiiimb....
Tom13: I think that's a little obscure, even for you, Nelson.

>> was taking a break from
>> demilitarized zone patrol.

Crow12: It was having a Kit-Kat bar.
Crow15: Just kicking back with a few brewskies, whistling at cute
freighters as they pass by....

Crow03: So the Fearless ship is Intrepid.
Tom03: No, the Intrepid ship is the Fearless.

>> Admiral Ellis had ordered the bridge crew to
>> take shore leave

Mike07: [as Ellis] Go have fun, you crazy kids!

>> on Greenhome IV,

Tom04: [as elderly Kirk in "Deadly Years"] Greenhome... up there...
on my bridge... running my ship!

>> a planet in the DMZ.

Mike11: Drink More Zima?
Tom11: Dark Marrissa Zero?
Crow11: Data's Manly Zones?
Mike11: Crow!

Tom15: [as Ellis] You're going to go down there and have fun or I'll
have you shot.
Crow15: What kind of idiot goes for R-and-R in a DMZ?
Mike15: I smell a Ratliff plot device....

>> Captain Seina
>> had left Doctor Francis Pazzi,

Mike06: [as the Fonz] Aaaaayyyyyy, Pazzi! Where's Ralph Malph?

Crow04: "Doctor Francis Pazzi." Hmm. That's an anagram of "I'd scan
for ROTC pizza."
Mike04: What's an ROTC pizza?
Tom04: A Viidian reserve officer?
Mike04: Someone beamed the pepperoni straight out of Neelix's mouth!
Crow04: And they split B'Elena into two distinct entities.
Tom04: Free Kazon crazy bread with every order!
Mike04: Okay, enough.
Crow04: Just a phage we're going through.
[Group groan, laced with pride.]

>> the Chief Medical Officer in command.

Crow10: Because, yes, Seina was that stupid.
Tom13: Just to prove he can make poor decisions like Jean-Luc Picard.
Mike12: [as Seina] If Picard can do it, so can I.

>> If
>> the Captain was going to be forced to take shore leave, he was going to
>> make sure the person responsible was going to suffer for it.

Mike07: Yeah, shore leave is such a drag.
Tom08: How DARE they presume upon the Captain to have fun?!
Mike08: I'm glad you didn't take the obvious joke there.
Tom08: I think we all can be glad of that.

>> Of the 132
>> crew members of the Fearless, only 30 were still on board, those who
>> Doctor Pazzi had decided need shore leave the least.

Crow08: Those who had pissed Doctor Pazzi off.
Crow10: All the ones with talent.
Crow13: [as Pazzi] No, Lieutenant Johnson does *not* need shore leave!
[muttering] Steal Betty Lou away from me, will you?

Mike04: I want to make a "Giant Rabbit" reference, but I can't decide on
what.
Tom15: I think we've stretched plausibility so far that it's snapped back
and taken out an eye....

>> "Doctor, a Marqui raider

Crow09: Ken Stabler?

>> has entered the system," an ensign said
>> from the helm.

Crow15: How do they know?
Mike15: The ship has "Marqui raider" painted on the side in fluorescent
orange.

Mike13: [as ensign] He's offering to play a Deathmatch in Quake.
Crow11: A nameless ensign? He's gone!

>> "Hail them," Doctor Pazzi stated.

All14: Hail little Caesar!
Mike08: Warn them out of this fanfic!
Tom08: Gee, Nelson, thanks for not taking the obvious joke.
Mike08: Heyyyy!

>> The ex-Star Fleet Lieutenant Commander Michael Eddington
>> appeared on screen. "Is everything ready?"

Crow06: [as Eddington] Are you decent?
Crow10: [as Eddington] Is my name British enough?
Mike14: Back for a cameo, ladies and gentlemen, Commander Michael
Eddington.
Bots14: [cheering crowd noises]

>> "The only ones here are us chickens," Pazzi responded.

All13: Wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Crow03: [false-cheery tone] Oh, I just LOVE Ratliff's brilliant strokes
of humor.
Tom15: Not since Oscar Wilde and Tom Stoppard has such witty banter
been seen....
Crow07: These are the yolks, folks.
Mike11: Wow! This ship must be under constant yellow alert!
Bots11: [Cringe at the lousy pun]

Mike04: There's a Tyson Foods reference in here somewhere --- I can just
feel it.
Crow04: After all, Marrissa is friends with the Clintons.

Tom08: Hey, I think Ratliff is introducing TREACHERY to his stories.
Mike08: Well, he's been betraying readers for years now.

>> "Very good, one to beam directly to the bridge," Eddington
>> ordered.
>> The channel closed,

Mike09: Well, the way Herzog ran it, I'm not surprised.

>> and Eddington materialized on the bridge.
>> Doctor Pazzi got up out of the center seat and said, "Computer, transfer
>> command to Captain Michael Eddington, per orders."

Tom06: [as computer] Unable to comply. There is a Lieutenant
Commander Eddington aboard, but no Captain Eddington.

Tom11: Orders? Looks more like disorders to me.
Tom13: [as computer] Big Mac and large fries processed. Would you like
fries with that?

>> "Transfer complete," the Computer replied. "The USS Fearless is
>> now the Marqui vessel Defiance under command of Captain Michael
>> Eddington."

Crow15: Oh, that was easy.
Tom15: Something tells me they've got a firewall made out of tissue paper.
Mike10: This wouldn't have happened if they watched "Good Morning America."
I saw them do a special report on how to keep this from happening
to your vehicle.

Mike04: Um... is that supposed to be ominous?
Tom08: [as computer] And from now on, *I* will be known as "Magic Voice."

>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>>
>> "No one wants to leave paradise "
>> - sarcastic comment of LCD Eddington,
>> ST:DS9

Mike04: "To... breathe... again!"
- orgasmic comment of Capt. Kirk,
ST:TOS

Mike08: Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee.
Crow05: I bet he wants to leave this fanfic, though.

Mike15: Use some new stock footage, Ratliff!!!

[The text freezes on the screen. All of the replicants remain seated,
but Cambot backs up through the hallway.]

[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]
[SOL control room]

[We see Crow sitting behind the main console, surrounded by various
pictures and props. Tom Servo is in the foreground wearing a black
beret and holding a megaphone, looking very directorial.]

TOM: OK, Mr. Graves, we've got a lot of Biography bumpers to shoot
here, so let's get going.

CROW: Hello, I'm Peter Graves, for "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves.
All this month on "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves, we'll be running
a 42-part serial devoted to the life of Marrissa Amber Flores Picard
Gordon Crusher Troi Burton Deutschmarx Overholt de la Cristo
Fortensky, better known to the galaxy --- like Cher, Madonna, and
Charro before her --- simply as "Marrissa." At the tender age of 14,
Marrissa's first biography inexplicably sold over five trillion
copies, more than the entire sentient population of the known galaxy.
We're certainly hoping to duplicate that success here on "A&E
Biography" with Peter Graves. But it still raises many questions.
Why would Marrissa's biography be so overwhelmingly popular, in a
world where many great writings go unpurchased, such as the wonderful
screenplay by my close personal friend, Crow T. Robot, "Peter Graves
at the University of Minnesota"? An outrage for which the Hollywood
community should feel a great deal of shame --- for itself, and for
its callous treatment of Mr. Robot, a brilliant young screenwriter
chewed up and spit out by the Hollywood money machine, a...

TOM: Please stay on script, Mr. Graves!

CROW: [coughs] Ahem. So join us, please, as we delve into the
mystery that is Marrissa, on "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves. For
"A&E Biography" with Peter Graves, I'm Peter Graves.

TOM: OK, we'll clean that up in editing. Keep the camera rolling.
Let's go folks, let's go!

[Mike briefly holds in front of the camera a chalkboard saying,
"'A&E Biography' with Peter Graves / Bumper 2 / Take 1".]

[As Mike pulls the chalkboard away, Cambot treats us to the music and
the wavy, out-of-focus visual effect indicating the passage of time.
When he comes back into focus, Mike's chalkboard reads, "Bumper 4 /
Take 3."]

TOM: Action!

CROW: Hello, I'm Peter Graves. Tonight on "A&E Biography" with Peter
Graves ... "Disaster!" The seminal moment of Marrissa's rise to
power was her discovery of Ratliff gas, first created by a
malfunction in the Enterprise turbolift, her mutant ability to detect
it and her immunity from its effects. The effect of Ratliff gas
is seen as not only is Captain Picard moved to sing, but to sing the
most stereotypical song a Frenchman could sing, "Frere Jacques"....

[Crow's voice fades out amidst more music and wavy, out-of-focus
camera effects. Focus returns.]

CROW: ...continued experimenting with Ratliff gas. We see its
devastating effects in this clip in which Mr. Data and Ambassador
Spock --- two of the galaxy's most eminently logical beings ---
discuss why an untrained twelve-year-old girl should be given
command of the Federation's most advanced technology and be made
responsible for thousands of lives.

>> "We are unable to cloak with the saucer section attached," Data
>> said. "Also the regular crew is need for are mission to resucue the
>> Enterprise-C. Westley Crusher suggested that the kids now in command
>> of the bridge could do the job. The Girl in command has a 20 minute
>> Kobayshi Maru time."
>> "Logical."

CROW: [shaking his head] Truly, truly, sad. Note also Data's impaired
speech, and the curious side effect of referring to "The Girl"
in capital letters, which suggests....

[Fade out, wavy camera effects, fade in again.]

CROW: ...other events in Marrissa's career can we attribute to this
mysterious substance? The evil Trakce use an intruder knock-out gas
to which they are more vulnerable than any other species in the
galaxy, and then put a control panel in the one part of their ship
most likely to be invaded. Years later, when the Enterprise-E under
command of Captain Riker was captured by the Romulans --- an act
sure to provoke intergalactic war --- what is the first priority of
Starfleet's top admiralty when they hear this dreadful news? Answer:
to assign the name "Enterprise" to Marrissa's new ship. And perhaps
most shockingly, when His Holiness Pope Gregory "Shoot First, Ask
Questions Later" the Twentieth entered a battle and fired on an
unknown ship without first attempting communication. Tonight on "A&E
Biography" with me, Peter Graves, we examine....

[Fade out, wavy camera effects, fade in again.]

CROW: ...Tonight on "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves: "Royal Romance
and Storybook Weddings." Picture, if you will, two young women ---
long-lost cousins, both orphaned by violent circumstances, drawn
together by tragedy, sharing the responsibilities and privileges of
royalty, now rebuilding their lives. One of them has just received a
marriage proposal. Imagine the joy, the giddy excitement, the
intricate plans and deep personal feelings these two will spend hours
sharing the next time they talk. Tonight, we see the tender,
intimate side of Marrissa:

>> Queen Victoria the First of Essex appeared on the view screen in
>> Marrissa's quarters. "Marrissa, what brings you to call me?" she asked.
>> "Sorry to interrupt your supper, Victoria," Marrissa said. "But
>> I had to inform you of some good news."
>> "How did you know I was eating supper?" the Queen asked.
>> "The bit of apple sauce on your chin gave it away," Marrissa
>> replied.
>> The Queen wiped off the sauce and asked, "Now what is this good
>> news."
>> "Jay finally proposed," Marrissa said.

[Cambot fast-forwards the scrolling text over the next few paragraphs.
Readers should feel free --- nay, encouraged --- to ignore them.]

>> "That is good news, now if I could only get William to do so,"
>> Victoria mused.
>> "It gets better," Marrissa said. "Clara has also accepted
>> Alexander's proposal."
>> "So that explains that little piece of legislation you had
>> William push though Parliament," the Queen said. "So Clara could marry
>> a Klingon, boy those children aren't going to be typical royals."
>> "Since when has Essex had a typical royal family?" Marrissa
>> questioned.
>> "It's been awhile," the Queen replied.
>> "Lets see, I'm trying to get my Prime Minister to marry me. You're a
>> starship Captain. Prince Daniel was one of his daughter's assistant
>> engineers. Princess Clarrissa is a Chief Engineer on a Starship. Earl
>> Flores, Martin Sussex is your Ship's Counselor. His mother runs a bar.
>> I can't find any normal royalty in my family."
>> "Then I guess it's been about ten years since Essex has had a
>> normal royal family," Marrissa replied. "When can we arrange for a
>> double wedding on Essex."
>> "I think that I can have everything arranged in about three
>> weeks so lets make it a month to provide a margin of error,"
>> Victoria said. "And when you arrive, could you help me kick the Prime
>> Minister into action?"
>> "It would be my pleasure," Marrissa said. "Transmit the time
>> and date to my father so he can arrange his escape, use code Mozart
>> Symphony number 23."

[Text resumes normal scrolling speed.]

>> "I'll be needing a guest list and a list of bridesmaids,"
>> Victoria said.
>> "Just send me a request for any information you need and I'll
>> get back to you ASAP," Marrissa said.
>> "Congraduations Marrissa, and tell Clara the same," Victoria said.
>> "Well I better get back to dinner. Essex out."

CROW: [Long, deep sigh. Then silence for several seconds.]

TOM: Mr. Graves? [pause] Mr. Graves!

CROW: WHAT?! I mean, what is the point?! Why am I peddling this?
Is this any way to end a career?! Seven years of "Mission:
Impossible" and two Emmy nominations for *this*?

TOM: Mr. Graves...

CROW: ...I mean, just *look* at this cr....

TOM: MISTER GRAVES!

[Fade out, wavy camera effects, fade in again.]

CROW: Hello, I'm Peter Graves, for "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves.
Tonight on "A&E Biography" with Peter Graves, the tragic final years
of Marrissa. Burned out at the age of 30, thwarted on the verge of
becoming Empress of the Galaxy because her victims built up a
resistance to Ratliff gas, she is then court-martialled by Starfleet
and dishonorably discharged. Captain Jay Gordon divorces her and
takes custody the children. Considered too eccentric and bizarre to
be a member of the Royal Family, she is removed from the throne of
Essex. Now destitute, Marrissa is living in a trailer park on
Rigel IV, where she is known as that crazy lady who keeps trying to
administer Kobayashi Maru tests to all the neighborhood kids. Is
this the end of Marrissa? Or will the rumors of a new infomercial
appearance contract be her chance for a comeback? Will fanfic sign
give her the opportunity to....

MIKE & TOM: FANFIC SIGN!

[Fanfic sign is flashing. Mike hits it amidst pandemonium.]
[They dive out of the way so that Cambot can head for the theater.]

[..6..]
[..5..]
[..4..]
[..3..]
[..2..]
[..1..]
[theater]

[All of the replicants are waiting in the theater as Cambot settles into
place. The text resumes scrolling.]

>>
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: DS9 Premier Maqui part 3
>> Date: 17 Sep 1996 19:06:55 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 198
>> Message-ID: <51mssf$9...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: plunky.sunlab.cs.runet.edu

Crow07: Narf!
Tom09: [as The Brain] Plunky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Crow09: [as Pinky] Um, I think so, Brain, but butterscotch pudding gives
me the hives something awful.

Tom08: Anyone know what that "plunky" sound was?
Mike08: I think that was the story falling flat.

>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>>
>> Premier Maqui*
>> by Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu)
>> part 3
>>
>> * Note: I'm trying to use the singular here.

Tom12: [as Ratliff] I'm failing, but I am trying.

>> Maquis (as in the episode)
>> is refering to the group. I'm refering to just one.

Tom07: Wait, didn't he refer to the whole group without the "s" already?
Mike07: That way lies madness.
Crow08: Study French much, Stephen?
Mike08: Not so you'd notice.

Tom04: If only the French would wise up to this. If you wanted to talk
about a single race car, you could simply say "Le Man."
Mike04: Or a single sports sedan: "Calai."
Crow04: A single capital: "Pari."
Tom04: We'll always have Pari.
Mike04: If you can stand watching Colin Baker, that is.

Mike09: Sorry, Steve-a-rino. "Maquis" is both singular *and* plural.
Tom09: [as Gomez Addams] "Maquis" --- Tish, that's French!
Mike09: [as Morticia] Now Gomez, not in front of the Kids' Crew.

>>
>> Chapter Two

Crow07: Electric Boogaloo.
Tom12: The Return of Jafar.

>>
>> Captain's Log
>> USS Stargazer
>> STARDATE 50378.4
>> Captain T'Gwen Washington recording

Mike09: Remember, being a Starfleet Captain and having a recording
career just don't mix.
Tom09: If you're going to command, don't sing; if you're going to sing,
don't command.

>> Captain Zimbata

Crow12: The forbidden dance!

>> of the Victory, having arrived to relieve me of

Mike08: My belongings and other valuables.
Tom08: My self-respect.

>> the Miranda,

Mike15: She makes the ship sound like a gallstone.

>> I hereby accept command of the USS Stargazer, NCC-2893,

Mike11: An overworked and underpowered ship waiting to come apart at every
opportunity.
Tom11: Mike, no one will get that.

>> the
>> first ship of the Stargazer class.

Tom13: Stargazer: Class of '50378.4

>> I look forward to beginning our
>> mission

Mike14: Hey, this is stolen straight from "Encounter at Farpoint."
Crow14: Sure, why not? He got away with ripping off Twain and the
Founding Fathers, right?

>> to reduce tensions in the demilitarized zone by

Mike10: Shootin' stuff.
Tom15: Oh, yes, reduce tension by tromping a warship around.
Crow15: [singing] We come in peace. Shoot to kill! Shoot to kill, men!

>> restraining the
>> Marqui

Crow09: Well, he's switched back to "Marqui" again.
Tom09: What good's a word you can only spell one way?

>> and their Cardassian counterpart, the Hi'den order,

Mike07: Is that one of those really bad sci-fi puns, or unintentional?
Crow08: I wonder what the Hi'den message is.
Tom06: Didn't they compose a few symphonies under a different spelling?

Mike15: [foppish voice] Oh, my what a witty jape!
Crow15: [equally foppish voice] Yes, how droll!

>> or the order
>> of the forgotten and abandoned.

Mike06: A perfect description for what this story should have been.

Mike08: Star Trek fans, in other words.
Crow08: Like you, Mike.
Mike08: That's right, I... HEY!

Crow11: [as T'Gwen] I'm looking forward especially to the restraining bit.

>> Joining me on this mission will be my Cardassian first officer,
>> Gusat,

All09: Gesundheit!

>> and several other members of the Cardassia Central Command.

Crow10: [falsetto] ...who are even less important.

>> In
>> addition, I have the pleasure

Crow06: [as T'Gwen] ...and I use that word *very* loosely.

>> of one Lieutenant Commander Marrissa A.
>> Picard,

Tom08: [as T'Gwen, dripping with sarcasm] And it's just SUCH a pleasure,
let me tell you.

>> serving as my Second Officer and Fighter Commander. Her youth

Crow08: [as T'Gwen] ...will probably doom us.

>> and vigor, not to mention

Tom10: ...her connections with the author.

>> ability will be a refreshing change from the
>> Miranda, where all my officers were

Mike11: ...actually qualified to run a starship.

>> older than 40, 5 years older than
>> myself at the least.

Tom09: [as T'Gwen] Which of course means they were all totally worthless
and senile and incompetent, the poopie-heads!
Crow06: [as T'Gwen] Once they get past puberty, it's all downhill from
there....

Crow05: Never trust anyone over forty!
Mike05: I keep getting this picture of Marrissa as a latter-day Dr.
Kevorkian, killing off any Starfleet personnel over the age of
twenty....

Tom10: This is like the background of a short story Orson Scott Card
wrote for practice.

Crow15: "Youth and vigor"?
Tom15: Don't go there....

>> Most of our personnel have arrived. However, I am distressed by
>> the lack of a Chief Engineer. Currently no one is assigned there.

Tom04: That would tend to inflate repair estimates considerably.
Crow08: [as T'Gwen] Apparently, Starfleet just clean forgot.
Crow13: [as T'Gwen] There were only 18,284 qualified candidates.
Mike11: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Ships never break down or even
get a scratch with Marrissa on board.

Tom09: No one to stand around and yell, "Cap'n, th' dilithium crystals
canna take th' str-r-r-rain!!"
Crow09: Nobody to wear a banana clip on his face.
Mike09: No fabulously dangerous half-Klingon babes.
Bots09: WHAT?!?
Mike09: So I like Roxann Biggs-Dawson, so sue me.

Tom15: [as T'Gwen] The engineer from the temp service only sits around
and eats bearclaws all day.
Mike15: HEY! Take that back!
Tom15: Fat chance, Nelson.
[Tom15 and Mike15 struggle. After a few seconds, Mike15 rips
Tom15's head off. Unfortunately (for Mike15), this causes a minor
explosion which takes out Mike15 as well. After the usual smoke, sparks,
and bits of wire, they remain still.]

>> I am
>> now meeting with each of my command officers to get to know them better.

Tom08: Let's *all* get to know them better.
Mike08: Yes, let's.
Crow08: Since we have no choice.

Crow11: Is that in the biblical... MMMPPH!!
Mike11: [clamping Crow11's beak] You're not making things easier, pal.

Mike10: [as Radar] By command of the new commanding officer, all
officers are to report to the commanding officer's office, sirs.

>>
>> "So Glinn," Washington asked. "What do you think of our young
>> fighter commander?" As they lounged in her Ready Room.

Tom08: [as Gusat] I try not to.
Crow06: [as Gusat] You Starfleet people have a word that describes her
well.... I believe it refers to a female member of the canine
species?

Mike13: [as Gusat] I want to play Baby Harp Seal with her.
Crow13: Is it time for your Prozac(R) dose already?

Bots03: I think our young fighter commander is FAB-ulous...!!!

>> "If she does as well with fighters against Marqui; as she does
>> with a saucer section, and a top-of-the-line Cardassian warship,"

Mike06: Ratliffian syntax strikes again....
Crow11: The saucer section I know about, but how did Marrissa get command
of a Cardassian warship?
Mike11: This plot point is left as an exercise for the reader.

>> Glinn
>> Gusat stated, "then she has my confidence. I certainly don't want to be

Mike08: [as Gusat] ...on the same SHIP with her or anything, but...
Tom08: [as T'Gwen] HAHAHAHahahaha. YOU'RE STUCK HERE!
Crow10: [as Gusat] I don't want to even be in this fanfic.

>> the pilot of the ship facing her again, and as for the weapons officer,
>> perish the thought."

Crow06: [as Gusat] I'd rather be where I can kill her with my own two
hands.
Crow05: And perish *would* be the thought if Marrissa's network of
informers didn't bring back reports of sycophantic praise and
adulation from her fellow officers.
Crow08: [brightly] Don't worry. You can perish right here with the
rest of us.

Crow15: Yes, with whiny genius kids, you're INVINCIBLE!!!
Mike10: [as Gusat] Can I go now?

>> "Good, then I can expect few conflicts between you and our strong
>> willed fighter commander,"

Tom10: [as Gusat] Who? Oh, you mean... okay, I see.

>> the half-Vulcan replied.

Tom10: Which half?
Crow10: The outer half.

Mike06: [as T'Gwen] You're better off that way. She tends to arrange
little "accidents" for anyone who crosses her.

>> "And by the way,
>> you might want to pass the word not to call her Risa.

Mike08: [as Gusat] Why would I have before you brought it up?
Crow09: 'Cuz she's no pleasure planet, let me tell you!
Tom13: [as T'Gwen] Snot-Nosed Brat, however, is perfectly acceptable.

>> According to our
>> Chief Tactical Officer,

Tom10: Whose name has been withheld to protect our sources.

>> that makes her mad enough to resort to practical
>> jokes under the guise of a drill."

Crow13: Under the guise of a Starfleet commander, most likely.
Mike08: [as T'Gwen] And that could kill us all, so don't do it.
Tom06: [as T'Gwen] That's when she dresses up as a drill and uses
a squirt flower loaded with battery acid on anyone who gets too
close. That Marrissa, what a kidder!

>> "Practical jokes during a drill," Gusat responded. "I'd like to
>> know how she does that."

Crow15: OHMYGOD, it's "A-versus-D II" all over again!! NOOOOOOO!!!
[Crow15's head blows up, and he joins Tom15, Mike15, and the 01-set in the
replicant afterlife.

Tom09: [as crewman] What th' --- hey! Who put this 100 pound weight in
my hiking bag?
Mike09: Oh, you zany, madcap fighter commander you.
Crow13: ...Swapping pain-inducers for Novocaine.
Mike13: Oooh, that makes my teeth hurt just *thinking* about it.

Mike03: It would be nice to see a few practical jokes, just to put a stop
to all this TALKING! Argh!

>> "I'm sure Lieutenant Ross Lockard will inform us," Washington
>> said.

Crow07: Or maybe Drake Tungsten.
Tom07: Or Rick Drywall.
Tom08: Or Trent Lockjaw.
Mike08: Or Drake Steelface.
Crow08: Or Chet Hugelarge.

>>
>> At that moment, Lieutenant Ross Lockard

Mike13: What was his rank again?
Tom13: Commander? No ... Captain?
Crow13: Admiral?

>> was greeting the fighter
>> pilots in the Fighter bay.

Tom14: ...and Hudson pilots in the Hudson Bay.
Crow04: The fighter inlet was simply too crowded this time of year.

Crow06: [as Ross] Hi, I'm Ross Lockard, and I'm running for State
Attorney General....
Tom07: [as Ross] Hello, fighter pilots. How's the wife and kids?

>> Twenty-nine Cardassians

Crow12: [singing] ...on the wall, Twenty-nine Cardassians.
Crow08: [singing] And a hundred and one cornets in their wake!

>> and an equal number
>> of Starfleet personnel

Tom09: Oh, let me guess ... 29?
Tom13: So ... that would be twenty-nine?
Mike13: Looks like it.

>> stood in ranks by seniority

Tom06: ...alphabetically by height.

>> in the over 10,000
>> square foot bay.

Crow06: Isn't that going to get them a little wet?
Crow10: Does that include the bay windows and walk-in closet?
Tom02: The lowest ranking members got to stand outside without vac
suits...
Crow02: Sssirrr. It's ccccold out here....

Tom13: Unfortunately, it was also 10,000 cubic feet, so they all died as
a result of being three-dimensional beings in a two-dimensional
space.
Mike13: Uh, 10,000 cubic feet would mean that it's one foot high.
Tom13: Oh, ease up, Techno-Boy.

>> "Ladies and Gentlemen,

Mike06: [as Ross] As I stand before you now, I'm reminded of something
funny that happened to me on my way down to the fighter bay
tonight....

>> I am the Chief Tactical

Crow14: ...blunder.

>> Officer
>> on this vessel, Lieutenant Ross Lockard," he began.

Tom08: [as Ross] But you may call me "Studmuffin."
Mike10: Then he froze, panicked, ran underneath a table and curled up,
quivering and screaming, "The doughnuts are out of order! The
doughnuts are out of order!"

>> "Your Commanding
>> Officer, the Fighter Commander,

Tom10: Let's give her a big Las Vegas welcome...

>> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard,

Mike08: [as Ross] Is a real pain in the ass, so just do what she says,
and eventually she'll leave you alone.
Crow08: [British] If you're very lucky, she MAY read you some of her
poetry first....

>> had 'affairs of state' to finish

Crow11: I guess that's what Lady Di calls it, too.
Tom13: She's having an affair with New Jersey.
Mike13: Ooh, Massachusetts will be so jealous.
Crow13: [as Mel Brooks] I'm sorry, gentlemen, but affairs of state must take
precedence before affairs of state.

>> and will be joining us later.

Crow08: If it's all right, Mike, I'd like to take TWO showers tonight.
Mike11: Getting plastered at Quark's is an "affair of state?"
Mike07: [as Ross] But, if you ask me, she just had a few too many
strawberry daiquiris last night.
Tom04: Actually, she's drafting a Declaration of Incompetence.

>> Meanwhile, it is my job to introduce you to the rules and regulations
>> of this vessel.

Tom11: Rule number one: Never annoy Marrissa. Rule number two: Never
annoy Marrissa. Rule number three...

Crow13: Rule number 1 --- no running with scissors!
Tom13: [British] Rule number 2 --- No Pooftahs!
Mike13: That'll never pass the Politically Correct censors.
Tom13: But it's a quote. That makes it all right ... right?

>> "First, you are expected to keep your fighters in order.

Tom06: Keep the fighters in their corners, and don't let them hit below
the belt.
Mike10: [as Ross] Namely, we want them lined up by their favorite
condiments.

>> We
>> only have fifty of them and a rather short engineering staff.

Mike10: Well, that's what you *get* for hiring six-year-olds.
Mike04: They've gotta be short, what with these low-hanging girders.
Mike09: [as Ross] And here's our new Chief Engineer, Robert Reich!
Mike12: Fifty fighters and fifty-eight pilots? I see a fight coming on.

>> In fact
>> we are still waiting for a Chief Engineer.

Mike11: [as Ross] So just try not to get your ships blown up, okay?
Crow08: [as Ross] Actually, not to put too fine a point on it, we're
pretty much doomed.
Crow14: [as Ross] This means no fooling about with nitrous boosters.
Especially you Duke boys!

Tom13: So, um, they have no Chief Engineer, right?
Mike13: Looks that way.
Crow13: I'm sure Ratliff will remind us again later.

>> "Secondly, as to obeying orders,

Mike03: [as Ross] Yes, we think it'd be very nice for you to obey orders.
And that's an order.
Mike10: [as Ross] It'd be a good idea, except, well, *look* at us.

>> you are to obey all the orders
>> of those ranked above or positioned above you.

All14: Well, duh!
Mike08: ...except on alternate Thursdays.
Tom08: So the fighter pilots are walk-ons or something?

Crow09: What a bold administrative maneuver.
Mike04: [mock horror] Everyone looks around in dismay.
Crow04: [gasping] Could it be true?
Tom10: This is known as the "dur--hey!" briefing.
Tom12: Don't they teach *anything* at the Academy?

Crow13: [as Ross] Of course, this goes without saying in any military
operation, but I thought I'd break the ice by insulting your
intelligence.
Tom06: [as Ross] In other words, if you're on Deck 5, do everything
that anyone on Deck 4 or higher tells you.
Crow11: [as Ross] Disobeying orders because of moral concerns is for
captains. You cannon fodder will be executed if you try anything
like that.

>> Your direct superiors

Mike08: Don't care if you live or die, and don't you forget it!

>> will be the Fighter Commander, the First Officer, Glinn Gusat,

All09: Gesundheit!

>> and the
>> Captain, T'Gwen Washington.

Crow08: Third, if you put leftovers in the fridge, MARK them for
heaven's sake, or they're just fair game.
Tom08: Fourth, if you drink the last cup of coffee, you make the next
pot.
Mike08: Fifth, don't start any subplots.

Mike10: This kind of organization is what sets Starfleet apart from a
dodgeball league.

Mike13: What does a Vulcan cash register sound like?
Tom13: I dunno.
Mike13: T'Pring!
Bots13: Fan-boy! Faaaaan-boy!
Mike13: Oh, lay off, will ya?

>> As Ross concluded his remarks, Marrissa Amber Picard entered the
>> bay.

Tom03: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Marrissa!
Crow03: [singing] Heeeeeeere she comes, Miss Amberpicard....

Crow06: Until then, she had been sitting on the dock watching the tide
roll away.

>> Noticing her Ross

Crow12: Hey, nice Ross!

>> announced,

Tom10: [as psychiatrist ] I see ... and does your Ross announce things
often?

>> "Now here is your commanding officer,
>> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard."

Mike05: [as Ross] ALL KNEEL! [hushed whisper] Avert your eyes!

Tom06: [as Ross] Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, you've been a great
crowd! I'm going to bring out your headliner now....

>> As he moved to leave, he
>> whispered in Marrissa's ear,

Mike10: [as Ross] Don't mind the weapons, they only *look* like they're
set on kill.

>> "I got them ready for you, enjoy."

Crow08: AAAAHHH! NOOOOO!
Mike08: Why did we have to see that?!
Tom08: Oh, come on... he couldn't possibly have meant... Gaaaah!

Crow11: [as Marrissa] Oh, I will!
Mike06: [as Marrissa] Mmmm... they look ready all right! Now hand
me that strawberry-scented body oil....

>> "Fellow pilots," she began.

Tom14: [as Marrissa] <inhale> Friends, Cardassians, Federationmen, lend
me your ears....
Tom06: [as Marrissa] My fellow pilots... tonight we come to a turning
point in our great nation's history....

>> "As Ross has no doubt informed you,

Mike08: [as Marrissa] I'm a control freak.
Crow09: [as Marrissa] You're all doomed to die horrible deaths at my
hands. Have a nice day.

>> I am the fighter commander on this vessel. I am also the second officer
>> as well.

Tom05: [as Marrissa] Furthermore, I am also the chairperson of the
Department of Redundancy Department, as well, I might add.
Crow08: [as Marrissa] And I like strawberries.
Tom10: [as Marrissa] Also, I have written five episodes of Star Trek:
Voyager.
Mike12: [as Marrissa] By the end of the chapter I'll most likely be God
as well.

>> Since I have the honor of serving as fighter commander, it is
>> my duty to organize this department and provide a chain of command. A

Mike08: [as Marrissa] ...proper officer would already have taken care
of this, but I figure I'll just wing it.
Crow10: [as Marrissa] First, me. Then, my cat. Then, my teddy bear.
Then, Paul Gross. Wouldn't he be the perfect lead for a new
"Superman" movie?

>> full chain of command in the department will take awhile but organizing
>> it will not.

Mike14: Huh?
Crow08: uhhhhh...
Mike08: Try not to think about it.

Tom09: Got it?
Crow09: Got it.
Tom13: Right! Ah... huh?
Crow13: Once you've organized it, it's pretty much there, right?
Mike13: Pretty much.
Crow10: They're going to organize a chain of command quickly, but not
let anyone know about it.

>> After I have dismissed you, you will find your wing and
>> quarters assignment on the wing status display board on the right side
>> wall as you exit the bay toward engineering.

Mike12: In the upper left hand corner of the right side of the bottom
half of the wall.
Crow07: Then you go left at the third stoplight....
Tom04: [as Crewman] Whoa! Lemme write this down.
Tom10: Apparently they've lost their email capabilities in the 24th
century.

>> I am now also prepared to

Tom08: [as Marrissa] Kill anyone who defies me.

>> announce your wing commanders.

Crow13: [as Marrissa] But I'm not going to actually do it. Ha ha ha
ha ha! I love being in command!

>> This is based on those tests you all
>> took in the past couple days.

Crow14: *Some* of which were actual piloting tests.
Tom11: [as Marrissa] By the way, Lockard, this says you're pregnant.
Mike09: See, and you thought you'd never use that course in Linear
Algebra after 9th grade.
Crow09: In Marrissa's department, I'll bet most of them are *in* 9th grade.

>> Red wing, Lieutenant junior grade
>> Katherine Lockard,

Mike07: Nepotism, boo!
Tom07: Hey, how else could Marrissa go so far so fast?

>> Blue wing, Lieutenant junior grade Matthew Grubb,
>> Green wing,

Mike10: Get the feeling Ratliff is saying "Hi" to all his friends here?
Tom10: Yup.

>> Lieutenant junior grade Tibek, Black wing, Dar Dukat Mikor,

Mike08: Pink wing, Lieutenant Goo Goo GooJoob.
Tom08: Plaid wing, Lieutenant Junior Grade Klaatu Barada Nikto.
Crow08: Mauve wing, Nick Danger.

>> Brown wing, Assist Dar Ekat,

Crow07: Geez, he's just throwing out random syllables again.

>> Orange wing, Assit Dar Davek,

Crow09: [Dalek voice] WE WILL EXTERMINATE THE MAQUIS!
EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!

Tom02: Doesn't Dar Davek get to assist?
Mike10: These have got to be anagrams, but of what?

>> and last but
>> not least

Mike08: Our special guest star...
Tom08: CHARO!
Crow08: Ohhhh, I wish....

>> our combined wing, Yellow, Lieutenant junior grade Tanis
>> Solar.

Tom13: Tanis, anyone? Heh heh heh.
Crow08: Tanis Lunar couldn't make it, evidently.
Mike09: Otherwise known as the "File and Forget" Gang.
Crow10: I can get "Saint Raslo" out of that name....

Tom05: Oh, God, why do I have the horrible feeling that we'll hear
this roster citation about fifty more times in this fanfic?

>> Please report to the conference lounge on deck 7 at 1100 hours,
>> tomorrow. That is the Wing Debriefing Room, so please make sure you
>> know where it is."

Tom14: [as Marrissa] Wandering about aimlessly will not be tolerated.
Crow14: Well, *that* was a stirring speech.

Mike08: [as Marrissa] Look at a map or something. I don't have time to
lead you all around by the noses.

Tom08: [as Marrissa] And please bring your briefs this time.
Crow08: Heyyyyy! Mike, you'd have given me a time-out for that one.
Mike08: I would have, wouldn't I?

Crow13: Nothing concludes a briefing quite like some patronizing, eh?

>>
>> Twelve-year-old Kerstin Szustakowski

Tom08: It just szustakowski that you're gonna have more child officers
in a Ratliff story. [chuckles]
Mike08: Now for THAT, you get a time-out, mister!
Tom08: Awww....

Mike10: [singing to "Good 'n Plenty" jingle] Once upon a time there was
an engineer. Kerstin Szustakowski was her name, we hear.
Bots10: [background] Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski.

>> was in class when it all
>> began on the Roanoke.

Mike06: Fortunately for Kerstin, her class was on a planet nowhere near
the Roanoke....
Tom13: Anybody notice that Ratliff has a thing for the Roanoke?
Mike13: Well, that could be because he's *from* Roanoke.
Crow13: Where *is* Roanoke, anyway?
Mike13: Well, it's not the middle of nowhere, but you can see it from there.
Bots13: OhhhHHHHhhh. Huh??

>> First the ship went to Yellow Alert. Then the
>> ship shook and went to Red Alert.

Mike08: Then the ship did the Hokey-Pokey and turned itself around.
Tom13: Then the ship shook some more and went to Purple Alert. Then the
ship shook some more and went to Chartreuse Alert. Then the ship
shook some more....
Mike13: We get it, Tom; we get it.

>> Finally her teacher collapsed.

Tom06: Then the ship exploded?
Mike06: No such luck....

Crow08: I know just how she feels.
Mike11: Spending any prolonged period of time together with annoying kid
genuises does tend to have that effect on people.
Crow03: [as if nearing mental breakdown] I give up! <sob sob sob> I
can't remember who's in which wing either! <sniffle, choke>
Tom10: She'd gone insane and had been teaching for 97 hours straight
without food, drink or rest. Police moved in to free the
hostages.

Tom09: Structural stress?
Mike09: Ah, they just don't build teachers like they used to.
Crow13: Class dismissed! [All13 cheer and start throwing paper airplanes
and spitballs at each other.]

Tom04: Hats off to Ratliff, the master of suspense. Could we have a budding
Tom Clancy in our midst?
Crow04: The short answer is "no."

>> As the rest of her class was sitting there shocked at the
>> teacher's collapse, only Kerstin could take the initiative.

Mike08: Because nobody else had any lines.
Crow02: She's another Marrissa clone, I tell you.

Mike10: No, I can't say any class I've ever heard of would ever have
trouble with the teacher passing out.
Crow09: C'mon, kids, let's PARTY OUR EYEBALLS OUT!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!!

>> "Classroom
>> Two to Sickbay, Medical Emergency," she said. There was no response.

Crow08: Sickbay was depressed and didn't feel like speaking to anyone
just then.

>> "Medical Emergency in Classroom Two." Still no response. "Kerstin to
>> Engineering." No Response. "Kerstin to the Bridge." No Response.

Mike08: Kerstin to Evers.
Tom08: Evers here.
Mike08: Relay message from Tinker to Chance.
Tom08: Roger that. Tinker to Evers to Chance... come in please.

>> "Computer, crew status, authorization Kerstin Alpha Five Four Oh Kids."

Crow12: You've *got* to be kidding me.
Crow08: Oh, you crazy kids.
Tom13: Oh Kids, those crazy kids.
Tom09: Oh Kids These Days With The Hair And The Music.

>> "Adult crew out of commission due to

Crow13: Gaping plot hole.

>> unknown compound in
>> ventilation," the Computer responded.

Mike07: [as computer] But whatever it is, it has a creamy nougat center.
Tom03: So, all the adults are conked out but the kids are still awake?
Crow03: Heaven help us!
Mike03: Kinda like "Village of the Damned"... except it's not any good.
Crow11: I don't know about you, but I would have made a gas that would
take out everyone except the beautiful blondes instead.

>> "Activating Kid's Crew, Kerstin
>> Szustakowski now in command.

Crow06: [as computer] And here I thought the situation couldn't get any
worse....
Crow09: Isn't it amazing how many forces in the known galaxy will knock
out or incapacitate everyone on board as long as they're OVER
EIGHTEEN?!?

>> Intruder alert, on the Bridge."
>> "Transfer command to Classroom two, lock down the bridge

Tom10: And open up the bar!

>> and
>> change all command codes to settings in file

Mike13: /dev/null

>> KidsCrew/Operation/Codes/Kerstin," the eleven year old girl ordered.

Crow13: That's right folks, 400 years later, we're still saddled with UNIX.
Tom03: No no no, they've changed the configuration; you need to move it
to /home/www/users/kidscrew/operation/codes/kerstin.html.
Crow10: It's a good thing they keep their critically sensitive files under
directories and names that anyone could guess.

Tom06: [as computer] Sorry, those settings have been sent to /dev/null.
Crow06: Why couldn't this story have been sent there too?

Mike07: [as Kerstin] Oh, and change all the water fountains over to
Hawaiian Punch.

Mike09: Hey, she was 12 just a few seconds ago!
Tom09: Coming soon --- "The Infant's Crew," from Stephen Ratliff.
Mike09: Servo, hush! You'll give him ideas.

Tom11: Wasn't she 12 a few paragraphs ago?
Mike11: I don't know about you, but I'm hoping for a reenactment of
"The Master Builders."

>> "Seal all sections that Intruders occupy with force fields."

Crow04: Personally, if I was one of those intruders, I'd occupy the ship
with soldiers.
Tom04: Matter of taste.
Crow08: [as Kerstin] And on a more personal note, seal my quarters with
whipped cream.

>> "Unable to comply, system disabled," was the computer's
>> response.

Crow11: Hey! It prefers to be called "functionally challenged"!
Tom10: They never should have put Internet Explorer on their systems.
Mike03: Even in the future, nothing works.
Mike08: [as computer] Unable to comply. Story has ground to a halt.
Crow08: You mean it's started?

>> "Great," was Kerstin's reply, as she tapped her combadge.

Crow03: [as Kerstin] This fits right in with my fiendishly evil plan.
Mwahahahaha.

>> "All
>> Kid's Crew members report to Classroom Two.

Mike09: [as Kerstin] Condition Red! I forgot my notes, and the social
studies test is *TODAY*!!
Mike10: Should someone tell Kerstin that she's in Classroom Nine?

>> Computer, their is
>> decompression problems

Tom14: ...in the grammar!
Tom07: "Their is problems?" So, the editor had a pretty easy time here,
huh?

>> on the bridge and the other areas the Intruders
>> occupy, lower bulkheads."

Crow04: [as computer] Unable to parse due to improper use of possessive
case. Please restate using something resembling grammar.
Mike04: Majel's getting crotchety.
Tom04: Most people her age are content just to crochet.

>> "No pressure drop located."

Crow14: [as Kerstin] Truuuuuuuust me.
Mike11: [as Kerstin] Pretty please with sugar on top?

Crow08: You can't have pressure in a vacuum.
Mike08: And this story is definitely a vacuum because...
Tom08: It just sucks.

Tom13: [as Kerstin] No, really, there is a *pressure* *drop*.
Crow13: [as computer] I don't see any pressure drop.
Tom13: [as Kerstin] Oh, just drop the %$#! bulkheads!
Mike13: Wow, how'd you do *that*?
Tom13: I don't know, and I think I hurt something.
Crow13: [as computer] Could not locate %$#! bulkheads. [normal] Ow.
You're right; that *does* hurt.

>> "There is a sensor malfunction, lower bulkheads, authorization
>> Kerstin Alpha Four Oh Five Beta Princess."

Mike08: You mean even malfunctions have to be authorized? Marrissa IS
a control freak!
Tom02: What? Kerstin's access code has changed already?
Mike02: Well, over the shows, the command crew had different codes each
time.
Tom02: But they didn't change in one scene!

Tom04: [announcer voice] Once a Beta Princess, now a VHS head cleaner.
See it all, rendered in spine-tingling detail by Meredith Baxter-
Birney! This weekend on NBC!

Crow10: I don't know why, but I get the feeling Kerstin is a fan of "Jem
and the Holograms."

>> "Lowering bulkheads."

Tom08: Lowering standards.
Tom14: Stretching credulity.
Crow14: Upchucking violently.

Tom09: [sarcasm sequencer] Oh, yes, even though I'm a computer with
over 400 bajillion kiloquads and you're just a snotty preteen
decks away from the action, you *obviously* know what's happening
so-o-o-o-o much better than me. Of *course* I'll lower the
bulkheads, your majesty!
Tom12: It's really sad that it took Kerstin till the age of eleven, or
twelve, or whatever, to get command of a starship. Doesn't show
much ambition....

>>
>> The next mornings staff meeting on the Stargazer was held in the
>> conference lounge below the bridge at 0800 hours.

Mike07: That's Stargazer Central Time.
Crow10: What, later in the day the conference lounge would be below main
engineering?
Tom10: Maybe George Herriman designed this starship.

Mike13: Then the bridge collapsed, and all senior staff were horribly
crushed.
Crow13: And there was much rejoicing.
All13: [dully] Yay.

>> In attendance were
>> Captain T'Gwen Washington, Commander Gusat, and Lieutenant Commander
>> Marrissa Picard. The new Chief of Operations, the Cardassian Assist

Tom12: His first name is Assist? Must have been a rough time in school.

>> Duvet, and the Chief Tactical Officer, Lieutenant Ross Lockard were also
>> there. Just arriving was the Doctor and Chief of Security.

Tom05: But they're not important enough to give names to.
Tom08: The audience had decided to sit this one out.
Tom10: Maybe it'd be quicker if you just listed who wasn't there,
okay?
Tom14: [as ring announcer] ...AND IN THIS CORNER....

>> The half-Vulcan, half human

Crow11: [as announcer] All cop!

>> Captain began,

Crow09: We just can't stress enough that the captain's half-Vulcan,
folks.
Crow13: What race was the captain again?
Mike13: I don't know; Ratliff hasn't mentioned it enough.
Tom13: Does it have any bearing on the story whatsoever?
Mike13: Probably not.

>> "Ladies and
>> Gentlemen,

Tom14: [as T'Gwen] And, of course, Marrissa --- our Superior Being....
Crow04: [as T'Gwen] I hope you are all aware that I am half Vulcan and
half human. I am also half Vulcan as well. My human half is
equal in proportion to my Vulcan half. My lineage is delineated
into two distinct groups: those of my ancestors who were human; and
those who were Vulcan. Vulcans, as you may be aware, are distinct
from humans --- as their hemoglobin uses copper as an oxygen-binding
metal, rather than iron....
Mike04 [interrupting] Enough!
Crow04: Um, okay.

>> welcome to the Stargazer,

Tom03: [as T'Gwen] We'll be serving drinks at 5 p.m.
Crow04: [as T'Gwen] Did I fail to mention that I have a 0.50 Vulcanity
coefficient, coupled with a concomitant 0.50 coefficient of
Humanity?

>> since not all of you have met, we
>> will begin with

Tom08: Run-on sentences.

>> introductions.

Mike03: [as T'Gwen] Pair up with a partner, ask your partner about
himself, then tell the class all about your partner.
Crow03: Not again!
Mike11: [as T'Gwen] We will also end with introductions, and I think
we'll stick some introductions in the middle.
Mike10: [as crewman] Sir? Can't we just read the exposition up above?

>> Please tell us your name, and your duty
>> assignments.

Crow08: [as T'Gwen] Because I can't remember for the life of me where I
placed you.
Mike12: [as T'Gwen] ...And one special thing about yourself.
Tom10: [as T'Gwen] ...And what's your favorite cliche?

Mike02: Just in case no-one was paying attention to the first part of the
fanfic, Ratliff will force on us everyone's name, position and
favorite sleeping place.
Crow02: That's a pretty safe assumption, Mike.

Crow13: Just what we need, yet *another* Ratliff introduction scene.
Mike13: You could probably compile them all together to make one big story.
Tom13: Oh, don't, that thought makes my capacitors overload.

>> I am T'Gwen Washington, Captain. My job is commanding
>> officer."

Mike06: [sarcastically] Ohhhhhh... that's an unusual duty for a captain.
Tom04: Fancy that.
Mike08: If they don't know THAT by now....
Mike05: Hmm, somehow I think most of the crew might have guessed her job
description....

Crow04: [as T'Gwen] I am also skilled in needlepoint. Vulcan needlepoint,
you see, is quite different from....
Mike04: Enough!

>> She gestured to her right.

Crow13: Unfortunately, that was an extremely rude gesture in Cardassian
society, and a bloody war began.
Tom06: [as crew member to Washington's right] Yeah, up yours too,
Captain!

Mike03: Hey, look! Feminine pronouns! That *proves* T'Gwen's a woman.
Crow03: I still think T'Gwen's a group entity.

Mike09: Hang on, fellas, here comes a whole bunch of full names and
titles.
[All09 sigh.]

>> A Cardassian spoke up, "I am Gusat,

All09: Gesundheit!

>> Glinn. I am the First
>> Officer."

Crow06: [as Gusat] I am the Eggman. Goo Goo Goo Joob.
Mike06: [as Gusat] I am a rock. I am an island.
Tom08: I am Servo, Tom. I am embarrassed to be involved with this
story.

>> Next to him, another Cardassian spoke up, "Duvek, Assist Glinn,
>> Chief of Operations."

Mike11: Isn't that the job of the medical officer?
Tom06: [as Duvek] I'm in charge of that wacky doctor game with the
light-up nose.

Crow07: Wait, his first name is "Assist"?
Mike08: [as Duvek] I assisted Glinn LAST week.

Tom10: [as Duvek] By the way, on my previous postings I was allowed to
bring my blanky with me while on duty; may I... uh... well, we can
talk about it after the meeting, I imagine... uh....

>> Beside him was yet another Cardassian, "Assist Gavek, Chief of
>> Security."

Mike06: [as Gavek] I own a mansion and a yacht.
Tom05: [announcer voice] Will the real Cardassian officer please stand
up?
Tom07: Must be a popular first name.

Crow08: [as Cardassian] Gowan, Goofball. Chief in charge of making up
silly Cardassian ranks.

>> Beginning down the other side was a brown haired man, who
>> stated. "Ross Lockard, Lieutenant, Chief Tactical Officer."

Mike08: [as Ross] ...And chief in charge of oily handsomeness.

>> Next was a man in medical attire with straw-like hair.

Crow04: Several people were sucking fluid from his head.
Mike04 & Tom04: [clear throats loudly]
Crow04: Come on! I was only talking about the neural peptide cake thing.

Tom06: "Medical attire"? What does *that* mean? Is he wearing Doc
Martens?
Crow06: [as man with straw-like hair] Hi, I'm Dr. Scarecrow!

Tom08: Lieutenant Commander Scarecrow. Chief in charge of Mrs. King.
Mike08: Wow, a mixed ref!

Crow09: [singing, Ray Bolger] If I only had a brain....

>> "Lieutenant Commander Jackson Johnson, Chief Medical Officer," he
>> drawled.

Crow06: [as Johnson] Or is it Johnson Jackson? I can never get that
straight.
Crow07: Joe Jackson Johnson Jones, Junior.

Crow08: Saaaay, does that make him... Doc Johnson?
Mike08: No, no, no, a thousand times no!

Mike13: [as bureaucrat] Last name?
Tom13: Johnson.
Mike13: First name?
Tom13: Jackson.
Mike13: [tears up form] Let's try that again. Pay attention, please.
*Last* name?
Tom13: *Johnson*.
Mike13: *First* name?
Tom13: *Jackson*.
Mike13: Look, son, if you're not going to take this seriously, we'll just
boot you out of Starfleet.

>> And last but certainly not least was the blond girl on the left
>> of the Captain. She recited.

Mike06: Uh oh. Here it comes....
Mike05: [as Marrissa, reciting] *Ahem* Whan that Aprill, with his
shoures soote, The droght of March hath perced to the roote....

>> "Princess Marrissa Amber Picard,
>> Lieutenant Commander, Second Officer, Fighter Commander.

Crow05: [as Marrissa] But, of course, I don't like titles....

Crow08: [as Marrissa] Goddess of silly plot points.
Mike08: [as Marrissa] Ruler of everything.
Crow12: [as Marrissa] I kill things.

Crow09: Duke of Westchester, Defender of the Commonwealth...
Tom09: Director of Internal Intelligence, Chief of State Security...
Mike09: Producer, director, writer, chief of network programming....

>> Shall I go on

Tom08: No, that will be *quite* enough!

>> to my duties that do not pertain to this ship?"

All06: NO!!!
All12: NO!!!
All11: No, NO, *NOOOOOO*!!!!

Mike14: [as Marrissa] ...or else...!

Tom09: Sure, they've got *oodles* of spare on-duty time.
Mike08: Of course! It's been a full five minutes since Marrissa last ran
her record.
Tom13: Oh, by all means, we never get enough of it! [softly] Oh,
it hurts....

>> "Go ahead, I'd like to know what else you have to do," Gusat
>> responded.

All13: Noooo! You don't know what you're doing!
Tom11: For pity's sake, somebody stop her!
All11: [continue wailing and sobbing]

Crow06: Yes, please finish your introduction, the author just won't be
happy until *all* the titles get rattled off....
Tom06: Again!
Mike06: Oh, but keep in mind that Marrissa *hates* every single one of
them.

Crow10: [as Gusat] How come the other officers are waving their arms,
and why is Lockard mouthing, "Abandon hope, all ye who enter
here?"
Crow09: [as Marrissa] I like you, Gusat! I'll kill you last.

>> "Coordinating Officer of the Kid's Crew program,

All14: [as Cardassians] So *you're* the one responsible for that!
All08: [as Stargazer crew] Oh, so *you're* to blame!

>> Heir to the
>> throne of Essex," Marrissa finished.

Tom12: [falsetto] Holder of the Holy Chalice of Tron, Keeper of the
Sacred Vitamin Pills, and Eventual Ruler of the Universe.
Tom13: [bored] Duchess of Erat; Keeper of the Five Treasures of Regel;
the Dark Lord, Forger of the One Ring; Supreme Queen of the
Universe.

[As Marrissa recites her titles, smoke and sparks fly out of Mike11 and
Tom11. Then they become still.]

>> "I have just found us a Chief Engineer,

Mike14: [as T'Gwen] ...Under a pile of dirty laundry in my closet.
Crow12: [as T'Gwen] ...I found her in the Sears Catalog.

>> Lieutenant Virginia
>> Szustakowski. She will be joining us in the zone,"

Mike06: The Twilight Zone.

>> Captain Washington
>> concluded.

Crow10: [as sports announcer] Virginia recovers the ball, laterals to
line backer Szutakowski, who's been in the zone all day, she's
going, going all the way, yes! It's a touchdown!

>> "Bridge to Captain Washington," Katherine Lockard interrupted.

Mike13: [as T'Gwen] I told you never to call me here!

>> "Go ahead Lieutenant," Washington replied.
>> "A priority one signal has come in from Captain George Siena

Tom13: Brother of Burnt Sienna.
Tom10: [as Bob Ross] Now, for the trees in this painting we'll want to
use a nice, light george siena for the bark, with bits of shading
that we'll add afterward.

>> of
>> the Fearless," Lieutenant Katherine Lockard announced.

Crow14: [as Katherine] He sounds really scared, sir.
Mike10: Ah, I see the U.S.S. Nepotism is flying well, though.

>> "Request for

Crow08: ...Permission to get the story moving.

>> immediate assistance. Captain Sisko has asked if we can handle it, since

Mike10: [as Katherine] ...He's hung over again today.

>> Commander Worf has the Defiant in the Gamma Quadrant."

Tom12: You know, doing *stuff*.
Mike02: Although no one knows why. It was as if he was sent away just
to get him out of the way.
Tom02: Yeah, weird that.

Crow08 So he's out of the story.
Tom08: Lucky devil.

Crow09: He and Dax are joining the Million Parsec Club.
Mike09: Oh, and thanks so much for *that* little image.

Mike13: [bored monotone] Are there any other ships in the quadrant?
Crow13: [same] No, you are the only one.

>> "Inform Sisko that we will be underway as soon as he gives us
>> clearance," Captain Washington replied, standing up.

Tom06: [as Sisko] Is Marrissa aboard? Great! Get outta here!!!
Tom04: Unfortunately, the message got garbled and he sent Clarence
Thomas instead....

>>
>> From the stairs to the deck below, the Command crew of the USS
>> Stargazer emerged onto the bridge.

Mike10: "Rhoda! We're coming up!"

>> Lieutenant Katherine Lockard
>> relinquished the Command chair to Captain T'Gwen Washington as the rest
>> of the Command crew filed in. She took over the helm from some junior
>> officer.

Mike04: Ensign Throwaway, perhaps?
Tom05: Ensign Throwaway, no doubt....
Crow10: [as nameless junior officer] Ah, I'm getting up, you don't have
to throw me out the dooooooo....

Tom13: Ever notice that you're worth nothing if you're a junior officer
above the age of 18 in a Ratliff story?
Mike13: Why no, Tom, nobody's *ever* noticed that before.
Tom13: [incoherent mumbling]

>> Glinn Gusat took his seat beside the Captain.

Tom08: Since she had warned him repeatedly about sitting in her lap.

>> Duvek relieved
>> his second,

All08: \
All14: - Ewwww!
All09: /
Crow09: I am definitely *not* cleaning THAT up!!

>> Lieutenant Lavelle

Tom08: PATTY Lavelle?
Mike08: You mean Patty LaBelle.
Tom08: *sigh*

>> and Lieutenant Lockard and Assist Gavek

Crow08: [as Bert Lahr] And lions and tigers and bears!
Tom08: Oh, my!

>> both took up tactical as Lockard was helping Gavek learn the system.

Mike10: [as Lockard] It's called "Balloon Help." Don't be too proud
to open it, it's really useful.
Crow11: Errr... isn't he supposed to have done that *before* they go on
a dangerous mission?

Mike08: [as Lockard] Okay, Gavek, the system is this: Don't get in
Marrissa's way. Get it?

>> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard sat down at the Fighter Commander
>> console.

Tom13: So... she's a Lieutenant Commander?
Mike13: Looks that way.
Crow07: So, is everyone's position clear, now?

>> "Ops, do we have clearance?" Captain Washington asked.

All06: \
All08: - [All do various versions of the "Airplane" sketch.]
All09: /
All14:/

>> "Clearance from Deep Space Nine has been logged," Duvek replied.

Mike04: [as Duvek] Oh, man --- another clear-cut? I thought this area
had been declared a Spotted Slime Devil refuge.

>> "CONN?"

Crow06: [as Mr. B Natural] At your service!

Crow11: Yes, it's a scam.
Mike09: [as Duvek] No, I think they're sincere about it.
Tom03: [as Duvek] Yes, we were conned into joining this --- oh, wait,
that's not what you meant, heh heh....

Mike07: Conventio-Conn-Expo-Fest-O-Rama?

>> "Departure course laid in and awaiting your command," Katherine
>> Lockard replied.

Mike13: 10 GOTO 10
Crow13: What the heck was that?
Mike13: BASIC.
Crow13: BASIC?! You ever heard of BASIC, Servo?
Tom13: Nope, that's a new one on me.

Tom12: Wouldn't it be great if they had an episode where Lockard goes
postal. They could call it, "The Wrath of CONN."
Mike12 and Crow12: [*GROAN!*]

>> "Release Docking clamps, forward and aft thrusters to station
>> keeping.

Tom10: They need their thrusters to go nowhere, just in case physics
stops working all of a sudden.
Mike10: Well, that's a fair chance, actually.

>> Port thrusters to one quarter," T'Gwen Washington ordered.

Tom13: [as Lockard] Sorry, sir, all I've got is a dollar. Anybody got
change?

>> "Take us out, Lieutenant."

Crow09: [as Lockard] Sure thing. I've got two tickets to go see "Mars
Attacks" at the Mall Cineplex Six. Will that do?

Tom06: No one will be admitted during the breathtaking departure scene!
Mike08: No matter how many times someone repeats that scene, it never
fails to fail to have an effect on me.

Crow11: [as Lockard] But I thought we were going to "take out" the Maquis,
Sir.

>>
>> Stargazer pulled away from lower pylon two of Deep Space Nine.

Tom13: Stargazer looked into Deep Space Nine's eyes. They met briefly,
kissed, then it was over.
Mike13: [sniffling] Tom, that was beautiful.

>> Sliding sideways she cleared the port and then pulled out of Deep Space
>> Nine away from the wormhole.

Crow11: Right now I am *not* thinking of spaceships.
Crow13: "Pull out? Doesn't sound manly to me."
Mike13: CROW!!
Crow13: What? It's another quote!
Mike13: Well, don't you know any *clean* ones?

>>
>> "Now clear of Deep Space Nine," Kathy announced.

Crow08: And Deep Space Nine couldn't be happier.

>> "Captain Sisko sends his best wishes," Assist Glinn Duvek
>> informed.

Mike13: And hugs and kisses, too!
Tom08: [as Duvek] And a therapy bill. Evidently, Marrissa violated her
court order to stay a hundred meters away from Jake.

>> "Thank him for me. CONN course,

Crow05: ...is Mr. B Natural's recommended method for learning how to play
a fine quality Conn trumpet, tuba or french horn.

>> one five two, mark six two,"

All09: Hike!
Crow14: Ah, more of those meaningful Trek navi-babble numbers.
Tom10: [as T'Gwen] No, wait, I mean four one nine, mark three three...
no, hang on, that should be seven two, mark four one five five...
aw, just take the Expressway until you see the signs for Atlantic
City.

>> Captain Washington ordered. "Warp eight, it's time we see what this
>> ship can do.

Mike10: Well, let's hope it's warp eight, then.
Crow13: Well, it can go forward, and backwards, and up, and down....

>> Commander Picard, have two wings ready to take off on a
>> moment's notice."

Crow11: The rest of the fighter can stay where it is.
Tom10: [falsetto] But then we'll all crash and die... oh... never mind.
Space. I forgot.
Crow08: [falsetto] Errr, Captain... the wings just FELL off.

>> "Blue and Black wings

Mike06: Otherwise known as the Bruisers.

>> will be ready in five minutes," Marrissa
>> replied.

Mike10: [as Marrissa] I have to beat them up first.
Tom08: [as Marrissa] Buffalo wings will take fifteen to twenty minutes.

>> "Please note that in the future I intend to cut that time to
>> two minutes."

Crow02: [as Marrissa] Or I will have their heads! HAHAHAHA!
Mike13: Shouldn't she use Kobayashi Maru logic here and try for, oh, say,
24 minutes?

>> "So noted," Captain Washington said.

Crow10: [as T'Gwen] Yeah, and what am I supposed to do with this bit of
trivia?

Tom07: That's his idea of a good place to end a chapter?
Tom13: And, on that *gripping* cliffhanger, Ratliff ends the chapter.
Tom09: [as Yul] So let it be written, so let it be done! Bring me this
man they call "Ratliff"!

>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>>
>> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I
>> would feel about being called names."
>> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager.

Mike08: How appropriate.
Mike06: Hmm... do you think Ratliff's trying to send us a message here?
Crow13: Think this quote is aimed as us?
Mike13: Naaah, I can't imagine Ratliff being that subtle. It's gotta be a
coincidence.

Crow04: "I said to old Napoleon. 'Boney,' I said---"
- The Doctor, "The Time Warrior"

[cut to commercials]