MSTed: How to Pick Up Young and/or Topless Women (3/3)

[Mighty Jack]

[Theater]

[Mike and the bots enter the theater. Mike is limping and moving
slowly.]

CROW: You okay, Mike?
MIKE: Ow! Not really.
[Mike sits down gingerly as the bots take their seats.]
MIKE: Guys, let me give you some free advice... never, *ever* get Gypsy
angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry.

> FIRST 10 STEPS TO DATE YOUNG WOMEN

MIKE: First, we admit that we are powerless over young women....
TOM: That's *twelve* steps, Mike.

> 1. Get informed on subjects young women care about: Clothes,
> college, movies, travel, music, concerts, etc.

CROW: Guys with integrity...

> Read and
> leave Cosmopolitan Magazine on your coffee table.

MIKE [as young woman]: Can you believe he reads *Cosmo*?! What a loser!

> 2. Trade your station wagon for something that does not refer
> to middle age. No Cadilacs, Lincolns or any big car.

TOM SERVO: Why? 10 million pimps can't be wrong....

> No
> tiny cars either.

CROW: Make sure the back seat is big enough for furtive, sleazy sex.

> Buy something sporty and something she
> would like and be attracted to.

MIKE: Make sure she loves you for what you drive, not for who you are.

> I used to pick up young
> girls like crazy with my 1976 Red Corvette.

TOM SERVO: The Artist Formerly Known as Prince even wrote a song about it.
CROW [as author]: Thank God the trunk was big enough to hide the bodies!

> 3. Don't comb your hair in an intricate, futile attempt to
> disguise the lack of it.

MIKE: Especially if you're Patrick Stewart.

> She will secretly ridicule you.

CROW [snickering]: Secretly? Now *that's* optimistic....

> Get a short, casual hair style.

TOM SERVO: Girls *never* go for long-haired freaks like Fabio and
Adrian Paul!

> 4. Shave all facial hair unless you have a lip a mile-wide or
> no chin.

MIKE: Make sure you get the eyebrows and lashes too. Trust me, they'll
laugh at you if you don't.

> To her, you're out of it; a leftover hippy or
> obviously compensating for thinning hair.

TOM SERVO: Of course, that's what you ARE, but...

> 5. Stop dressing like, in her words, a dork.

CROW: You are a dork if you're taking this advice seriously... just try not
to look like it!

> As a start,
> subscribe to Playboy,

MIKE: This way, when you strike out, you have a way to console yourself
at home.

> GQ, and Esquire Magazines. Also,
> read Dick Clark's Guide to Good Grooming.

TOM SERVO: In it, you'll learn how to never age another day for the rest
of your life!

> 6. Do not wear more than $200 worth of jewelry unless you
> want to attract gold-diggers.

CROW: After all, you don't want to get arrested for propositioning a
miner....
MIKE & TOM: (groans)

> Let foolish, desperate guys
> trying to buy her interest with a Lexus, "win" those
> bitches.

TOM SERVO: Let me get this straight. It's okay to want a woman only for
sex, but a woman who wants a man only for his money is a
gold-digging bitch?
MIKE: Pretty much, yeah...
CROW: I'm starting to think that this guy's got some issues he needs to
work through.

> 7. Forget about the bars, as a general rule.

TOM SERVO: You might meet girls who are just sloshed enough to tell you what
they *really* think of you!

> If she's there,

MIKE: ...then she's as desperate as you are.

> she is looking for Mr. Right

TOM SERVO: ...or Mr. Goodbar.
CROW: Or at least Mr. Good-Enough-For-Tonight.

> (a guy three to seven years
> older who can marry her) not an older lover.

MIKE: What? You mean women are looking for a guy that they can have
a meaningful relationship with? What the heck is wrong with them?!

> Go to any and
> every wedding.

CROW: See how many you can get kicked out of!

> She'll be there, drinking champagne, easy
> to meet, talk with, drink and dance with.

MIKE: And she'll be easy to spot in that bridal gown!
CROW: See, women *really* go to weddings so they can get picked up
by losers.

> Don't forget to
> hit up on the young women at work also.

TOM SERVO: And don't get discouraged if they hit you with a sexual
harassment suit. Eventually your persistence will win their
hearts!

> 8. Join a health spa that's not a pickup spa.

MIKE: What should it be... a station wagon spa?

> Make friends
> with the 30ish guys you like. Hang out. Talk.

CROW: And if that doesn't work, try hitting on the girls instead.

> Be yourself.

TOM SERVO: Wait a second... first they tell you how much you have to
change to be "attractive" to younger women, and now they're
saying "be yourself"? Make up your mind!

> When she and girlfriends show up, easy does it. Don't be
> obviously interested in her. Play it cool.

MIKE: Use mind games to impress her with your sincerity.

> 9. Over eight million are coeds.

CROW: Over eight million... *what*?

> Get your ass into classes

TOM SERVO: Your donkey will appreciate your interest in his education.

> she'd be taking: acting, saving the environment,

CROW: There's a class for that?

> computer
> classes, etc. Be all business and she'll get used to you.
> Be casual, slow,

TOM SERVO: Hmm... nope, too easy.

> friendly and helpful.

MIKE: Then, once you've got what you want, just toss her away like the
slimebucket you really are!

> 10. Lastly, decide. Do you really want to keep dating fat,
> forever-complaining divorcees with three kids?

CROW: Or would you rather *BE* one?

> If not,
> PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING IMPORTANT INFORMATION ON HOW TO
> MEET, ATTRACT, DATE, AND SEDUCE YOUNG WOMEN:

TOM SERVO [as announcer]: If you are a veteran over the age of 65, you
cannot be turned down!

> HOW TO DATE YOUNG WOMEN...FOR MEN OVER 35

MIKE: Isn't that what we've been talking about?
TOM SERVO: God, will this ever end?

> Do you want to date young women?

ALL [as Sally Struthers]: Sure! We *ALL* do!

> Most men want to, but most men don't. Why?

MIKE: Because they're not shallow, conniving pigs, desperately chasing
after their lost youth?

> Just about
> every guy our age (35-50) feels deep down inside he doesn't
> have a chance.

TOM SERVO: And you know what? He's RIGHT!

> Or, he's learned, the hard way, what works
> with women does not work with the younger ones. They're
> different, too different.

CROW: They're quiet... TOO quiet...
MIKE: Well, men ARE from Mars, and all that.

> But, if you want to change your life, your sex life and
> social life, keep reading.

TOM SERVO: But if you think that women deserve respect and honesty,
then don't waste your time.

> Learn how to find, meet, talk with and date younger
> women. The author, R. Don Steele

CROW: Ah *hah*! *Finally* we have a name for this force of evil!

> explains everything you need
> to know, absolutely nothing has been left out in his hot new
> ground-breaking book, "HOW TO DATE YOUNG WOMEN: FOR MEN OVER
> 35."

MIKE: I hear this book was required reading for the male cast of
"Thelma and Louise".

> HERE'S WHAT YOU LEARN ABOUT YOUNG WOMEN

CROW: First of all, they're carbon based.

> * Where they are, the ones interested in an older guy. This
> information will save you from wasting time, money and
> energy looking in all the wrong places,

TOM SERVO [singing]: Looking for love in too many faces...

> getting shot down

MIKE: ... in a blaze of glory.

> again and again
>
> * How to prepare her for seduction.

CROW: Honey, get ready... I'm going to seduce you now...

> You will learn how to do
> the right things

TOM SERVO: A Spike Lee joint.

> and say the right things, during
> conversations and on early dates to lower her resistance
> and make her want you to seduce her

CROW: The latest in brainwashing techniques makes it possible!

> * Courtship principles with young women - what to say, how to
> say it, when to say it, what's convincing versus what
> smells and sounds like a bunch of bull

MIKE: Once you learn how to fake sincerity, the rest is easy.

> * First dates she jumps at: Suggest one of Steele's 15 early
> get together's and she snaps it up

CROW: Like the sewage treatment plant, the sausage factory or your local
bus station!

> * Where to find the ones interested in dating you. (Hint: not
> in most bars).

TOM SERVO: Another hint: not on this planet.

> Steele gives you 23 of his favorite hunting
> grounds.

MIKE: And he tells you how to gut and clean your young woman after hunting
her down.

> * How to conquer 18-24 yr. olds.

TOM SERVO: First, make sure your air cover is in place, then send in the
tanks!

> 34 explicit, detailed
> instructions on how to prepare for them: conversation
> topics that interest her, car, hair, glasses, attitude,
> music, friends

CROW: Ways to end a sentence...

> * The Eleven Commandments of Courtship -

MIKE: Excuse me, R. Don Steele? God's on the phone. He wants to talk
to you about infringement of copyright.

> All young women,
> centerfold-aged girls in particular,

TOM SERVO [incredulously]: *Centerfold-aged?!*
MIKE: Yup. Somebody out there has *definitely* been making a few too many
magazine pages stick together.

> insist on certain
> things before taking an older lover.

CROW: Like proof that you haven't read this book.

> Following these prin-
> ciples

MIKE: This guy has a lot of balls using the word "principles".
TOM SERVO: I'm surprised he even knows the word.

> in the book guarantees you know when she needs
> reassurance, when to assert yourself, and when to ease off.

CROW: When to hold 'em, when to fold 'em, when to walk away, and
when to run.

> And that's only the beginning! This book is crammed full
> of techniques, strategies, ideas, methods, concepts.

MIKE: Words, sentences, paragraphs!
CROW: Nouns, verbs, adjectives and adverbs!
TOM SERVO: Pages, covers and illustrations!

> Everything it takes to start dating young women - females who
> are exciting, alive, interested, energetic, unjaded, sweet,

CROW: ... until you come along and break their innocent, little hearts.

> and don't give a shit about women's lib.

MIKE: Hmm... feeling a little intimidated, are we?
TOM SERVO: And they wonder why some women become lesbians.

> Believe me when I tell you

MIKE [as writer]: I seriously need psychiatric help.

> that these young and hot
> little honies can be had by older men like yourself. With the
> help of this book you can turn all your fantasies about
> making it with young women into reality.

CROW: Or you can turn yourself into a cradle-robbing loser who desperately
needs to be slapped.

> YOU WILL ALSO LEARN

TOM SERVO: ... that everything you've heard about women not wanting to
be treated like sex objects is just plain *wrong*!

> * How to seduce her. Steele's deliberate, calculated strategy

MIKE: So much for spontaneity.

> starts after the second date

TOM SERVO: I'm surprised he wants his readers to wait *that* long.

> when seeds for thought get
> planted. He tells how to lay down a trail that she must
> follow

CROW: What is this, Hansel and Gretel all of a sudden?
MIKE: Women are, of course, mindless puppets who will do whatever men say.

> * What your home must have and can't have.

TOM SERVO: A toilet seat in the down position.
MIKE: Don't bother with this part if your home is a refrigerator box.

> Careful
> preparation ensures the rhythm of seduction does not get
> destroyed

CROW: After all, your timing might get thrown off a little if your
wife shows up.

> * The competition. Understanding who they are, their motives,
> their methods,

MIKE: ... their alibis, their distinguishing marks, their accomplices...

> from 16 to 65. When and how to compete, so
> she chooses you

TOM SERVO: Treat her like a trophy to be won in a competition! She'll
love that.

> * The Ten Commandments of Meeting.

MIKE: Learn how to conduct your meetings the Charlton Heston way!

> Thorough explanations of
> conversation starter vs. opening lines, how to begin and
> end first conversations,

TOM SERVO: You'll find winning openers like "What is your real name?",
"How long have you been dancing here?" and "Are you attracted
to other women?".

> forbidden topics, and must topics
> to use in your conversations that are guaranteed to get her
> interested in you

CROW: Make sure to dominate the conversation and complain about your
last ex-girlfriend as much as you can. That gets 'em every time!

> * The 67 taboo articles of clothing that will hurt your
> chances of attracting young women.

TOM SERVO: You'll learn that the safest thing to do is just wear
nothing at all!

> Steele gives you advice
> on how to dress correctly to make a big, lasting impression
> on her

MIKE: For example, wearing a bra and panties is probably a bad idea.
Unless your name is Marv Albert.

> * How and where to approach young girls -

CROW: If he says anything about a school playground, I am *leaving*!

> Meet her so you can
> talk with her long enough to peak her interest.

TOM SERVO: You know, I get really piqued when I see that word spelled
wrong.

> Knowing the
> right time and the right place prevents the brushoff

MIKE: Catch her in an elevator so she'll be forced to talk to you!

> READ WHAT OTHERS SAY

TOM SERVO: Oh, I *wish* I could read something else... *anything*
but this!

> "Solid, realistic, practical, and entertaining" - Playboy
> Magazine

CROW: That's how they described this month's Playmate.

> "Steele is hard-headedly practical. He's worked out as
> surefire a method as you'll find for bridging the sexual
> generation gap" - Michael Perkins, Screw Magazine

TOM SERVO: Screw Magazine, huh? Sounds like a reputable publication.

> "Steele pulls no punches

CROW: And neither do any of the women he tries to pick up.

> as he explains how to attract the
> young, from dress codes to actions. The honest approaches and
> advice are unusually solid and explicit. Everything from sex
> and the young woman to analyses of her value system and
> psyche with step-by-step scenarios" - Diane Conovan, The
> Chicago Tribune

MIKE: Oh, Diane... how could you?! I expected as much from the Screw
Magazine guy, but how could you betray your own gender like this?

> MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE

CROW: We guarantee that after you read this book, you will want your
money back.

> We are so sure this book will work for you, it carries a
> full one year money-back guarantee. If you are not satisfied,
> just send it back.

TOM SERVO: Or just throw it in any trash can. Eventually it'll get to
where it needs to go.

> CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

MIKE: Learn how to unlock your inner mind with DIANETICS!

> Order "HOW TO DATE YOUNG WOMEN...FOR MEN OVER 35" today
> and soon you will have your own live Centerfold!

CROW: Complete with a staple through her navel!

> Thousands of
> older men using this book are dating young women. Don't miss
> out!

TOM SERVO: You know, guys, it's times like this that I wish I could
read a Ratliff story to ease the pain.
CROW: Mike, did you hear that?
MIKE: Sure did, Crow. [picks up Tom and gets up] Come on, buddy, we'd
better get you out of here. Crow! You know what to do, right?
CROW: Yup. I'm on it! [Crow rushes out of the theater with Mike carrying
Tom out behind him.]
TOM SERVO: Wait! Guys! All I said was...

[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]

[SOL]

[Mike, Crow and Tom are standing in their usual places at the control
panel. Tom is wearing a bot-sized straitjacket.]

MIKE: Now Tom, you realize that this is for your own good, right?

CROW: Don't feel bad, Tom. That experiment was rough on everybody!
It's not your fault that you *completely* lost your marbles at
the very end!

MIKE [shocked]: Crow!

CROW [looks at Mike]: What? It's true!

TOM SERVO: Look, you guys don't understand! [Tom struggles briefly
with the straitjacket then relaxes.] What we just saw in
there was *worse* than any Ratliff story!

MIKE: Uh huh. That's nice, Tom. [leans over to Crow and stage whispers]
Is the sedative ready?

CROW [stage whispering]: Not yet. Gypsy's preparing it now.

TOM SERVO: I'm serious! There are *lots* of reasons why Ratliff's
writings are better than what Pearl just forced on us!
Just give me a chance and I'll prove it to you!

MIKE: [stage whispering to Crow] We're just going to have to humor him
until the sedative arrives.... [to Tom, sympathetically] Okay,
Tom, why don't you just go on with your little story? I can see
that it must be very important to you....

TOM SERVO: *sigh* All right, I'll grant you that Ratliff's stories are
no walk in the park. But one thing that helps you to get
through them is that they're not written very clearly.

MIKE & CROW [staring at Tom]: Huh?!

TOM SERVO: Try to follow me on this. We all know that so many ridiculous,
painful absurdities get written into every Ratliff story we
get. But it eases the pain a little if you can get yourself
to believe, even for one little second, that whatever
unbelievably wrong thing you just read in the latest Marrissa
chronicle must have been just a typo. It's a thin mental
defense, but it's better than none at all.

CROW: Okay...

TOM SERVO: Sadly, this mental defense gets harder and harder to use as
Ratliff's spellcheckers and grasp of grammar improves.

MIKE: Or as he finds better proofreaders.

TOM SERVO: Whatever.

CROW: So what does that have to do what we just sat through?

TOM SERVO: Think about it. We just saw three disgusting pieces of spam
that just spewed sexism and misogynistic attitude all over
the place... and they were written in *near-perfect English*!
There was no way you could tell yourself that you must have
read them wrong! You *knew* that you were reading his crap
correctly!

MIKE: Okay, but that doesn't mean that...

TOM SERVO: Wait a second, Mike. Let me ask you something. Can you picture
the events described in the Marrissa stories ever *really*
taking place? Do they seem even *remotely* possible to you?

MIKE: Hmm... well, we have seen some pretty weird aliens out here, maybe
one of them would... hmm... no, you're right. Just can't see it
happening.

TOM SERVO: Okay. Now picture the suggestions described in R. Don
Steele's ads. Now you *know* that *someone* somewhere in
some seedy section of town had to have thought that some of
his ideas were pretty good ones and decided to try them out
on some girl he's had his eye on. Who knows? If he
picked a girl that was naive and lonely enough, maybe he even
got what he was after.

CROW: Instead of the kick in the nuts that he deserved.

TOM SERVO: Right. So doesn't what we just saw in the theater seem a lot
more *believable* than anything Ratliff has written?

MIKE: Hmm... have to admit, you've got a point there, Tommy.

TOM SERVO: Now think about this. Remember "Away From Home, Part 3"?

CROW: I wish I could forget.

TOM SERVO: Okay. According to Stephen Ratliff in that story, what happens
when you try to pick up a young girl, Marrissa in this case, in
a sleazy way?

CROW: You get pushed into a pool.

MIKE: And rightfully so.

TOM SERVO: Right! Now what happens according to R. Don Steele when you
try to pick up a young girl in a sleazy way? Crow, you've got
electronic memory, why don't you quote from the middle of the
last ad we watched?

CROW: Well, he said you'd get "young and hot little honies [sic]" who
were "exciting, alive, interested, energetic, unjaded, sweet and
don't give a shit about women's lib." My God... Servo, you're right!

TOM SERVO: Now this is the clincher. You read the same ads that I did.
You saw how this R. Don Steele guy made "Men Behaving Badly"
look considerate and sensitive by comparison. You saw how
he tried to set back relations between the sexes by about
100 years. You saw how he advocated date rape. You saw how
he tried to goad men into making this world a much more
unpleasant place for women to live in.

MIKE: Yes...

TOM SERVO: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you this. Don't you
agree that this guy just plain *deserves* to be given the
title of Worse Than Ratliff?

[pause]

MIKE: Tom, either you've got a really strong case there or I'm ready to
join you in that straitjacket.

CROW: I'm sorry I doubted you, Tom.

TOM SERVO: That's okay. Now that that's settled, could you get me out
of this straitjacket please? I'm chafing like a bear in this
thing! [Tom squirms from side to side in a futile effort to
free himself as the Mads light turns on.]

MIKE: Sure. Just let me get this first...

[Mike hits the Mads light. Then Mike and the bots all stare forward in
shock as their mouths drop open in unison.]

TOM SERVO [shakenly]: Mike... leave it on. I think I'm gonna need it.

[They continue to stare as Gypsy arrives. She's wearing a nurse's hat
and carrying a syringe that contains the sedative. Mike takes the
syringe, gives himself a dose of the sedative and then collapes behind
the control panel. Tom starts to quiver as the camera cuts to...]

[Pearl's van]

[Pearl is standing in the back area of the van. She has her back to the
camera, mainly because she is wearing nothing from the waist up and only
a glittery pair of panties from the waist down. She is dancing sensuously
to the rhythm of some 70's era "bucka-chicka-wow" music while Professor
Bobo sits at the back of the van watching her. Bobo is making apelike
noises and gestures of appreciation. Observer is sitting in the passenger
seat looking very worried. He suddenly notices the camera.]

OBSERVER: Oh, thank *goodness* you're here! I hope you're not angry about
that little trick with the phone psychic ad and all. I think
I need your help. You see, Pearl was watching you while you
were reading about topless dancers and all the silly things that
men will do to try to get their attention. And then, all of a
sudden, she put the van on autopilot and said something about
wanting to indulge some "personal fantasies" of hers, and...
well, you can see for yourself what happened next! I don't
mind telling you, my little artificially intelligent friends,
that this is a very *disturbing* reminder of why my species
gave up reproduction in the first place! In fact, I don't
think I've *ever* seen such a disgusting... display... of...

[Observer trails off as he turns to look at Pearl's gyrations and starts
to stare at her. Then he snaps out of it and turns back to the camera.]

OBSERVER: Oh no... now it's starting to affect *me*! Listen, you've got
to help me put a stop to all this! I've tried to reason with
them, but I think their hormones are dominating their higher
brain functions! Wait a minute... what are they doing now?

[Bobo tucks a banana peel into Pearl's panties and then slaps his upper
thigh expectantly. Observer mercifully blocks the camera view as Pearl
walks seductively over to Bobo.]

OBSERVER: [facing away from the camera] Oh no! Not that! *Anything*
but that! [faces the camera with a look of abject horror on
his face] *IT'S A LAP DANCE*!!!

[Fade to MST3K logo and credits.]

My thanks go out to:

Catherine Johnson, for providing great lines and a vital female
perspective for this MSTing.

Jennifer Thomas, for her comments and feedback.

Mighty Taco, for putting a hilarious phone psychic spoof in a local
radio ad (which I cribbed from a little for the opening
host segment).

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

>4. "Don't you get tired of all these horny men with their brain
>between their legs?"