MiSTed: Stolen Memories (6/29)

[Rottweiler]

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Part 2 of Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 Presents _Stolen Memories_
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[SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.]

CROW: Do you think I can get some tips from a muskrat? They seem to be
in
love.
MIKE: Drop it, Crow.

> Article 81 of 418

CROW: Collect them all!

>
> Subject: (REPOST) DS9 Story: 'Stolen Memories' - 2/9

MIKE: Yeah, I'd give _Stolen Memories_ about a 2 out of 9.

> From: hen...@zipper.zip.com.au (Henry Chatroop)
> Date: 1997/01/07
> Message-Id: <5at4ao$g...@the-fly.zip.com.au>

CROW: Oops! The story forgot to zip its fly.

> Organization: The Zipsters

MIKE: When you've been kicked out of the Freemasons and the Knights of
Columbus, try the Zipsters.

> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative.erotica

TOM: Who would have thought that four little words could be so
frightening?

>
> WARNING - NC-17 FICTION: This story contains sex scenes.

CROW: No one under or over 17 should read it.

> If reading about teen sex offends read no further.
> If not read on and enjoy.

MIKE: Do you want me to read on or enjoy? It's got to be one or the
other,
not both.

> The Ed, Red.

TOM: (singing) Come and listen to a story 'bout a woman named Red. A
poor
fanfic editor, barely kept her writers fed...

> ===============================================================

CROW: (singing) I've been working on the railroad, all the live-long
day...

> STOLEN MEMORIES

TOM: Swollen Mammaries is more like it.

> Part Two

CROW: The Quest for Alis' Gold.

> Julian Bashir almost floated through the corridors of
> the Prime Matriarch's palace as he made his way to the gym.

MIKE: He's probably turned on by climbing the rope in gym class.

> He was thoroughly oblivious to the glances he attracted
> from the various noble women and servants he passed, failing
> to notice the lustful look one woman in particular sent his
> way.

TOM: Unfortunately, that woman was Margaret Thatcher.

> He was so busy mentally planning his day's activities
> that he failed to notice much of anything, let alone the
> women he passed.

MIKE: (Julian) Okay, first go to gym class. Then have sex with the cat
girl. Then watch _Dawson's Creek_.

> First an hour of exercise was called for.

CROW: I hope Julian doesn't start telling us how important it is to eat
five servings of fruits and vegetables every day.

> He'd
> discovered muscles he didn't know he'd had and needed to
> work out a few kinks that had developed overnight.

TOM: (Julian) Out with you, BDSM! Out with you, erotic asphyxiation!
Out
with you, bestiality! Oh wait, I need to keep that last
one...

> After
> the gym, he'd take a short trip to the indoor pool for a
> leisurely swim.

CROW: Will some please tell me why cat-like aliens have SWIMMING POOLS?

> It was the best way to work out the last
> of the kinks and relax.

MIKE: Okay, Julian's going to exercise with Ray Davies. It's an
unexpected
plot twist, but let's see where it goes.

> His swim would be followed up by a trip to his suite
> where he would change into fresh clothes and gather up as
> much of his gear as he could do without his father's
> attention being caught by the missing items.

CROW: (Julian's dad) Julian hasn't been here for a week, ho hum.
(pause)
Oh my God! His toothbrush is missing!

> He'd drop his gear off at the Princessa's quarters

TOM: If that isn't the name of a strip joint, I'm a talking cat.

> and talk to her personal servant about lunch

MIKE: I tHiNk YoU sHoUlD hAvE a PiZzA fOr LuNcH.

> and then take
> a quick trip to the indoor garden to collect a bouquet of
> the Princessa's flowers.

CROW: (Alis) Oh, so now they're MY flowers? When we bought them, they
were
OUR flowers!

> He knew she loved those strange
> mauve ones with a scent so faint he couldn't detect it,
> but he knew her senses were better than hers.

MIKE: Why did the authors just call Julian a her?
TOM: Maybe he's Ranma.

> He smiled to himself as it occurred to him to grab a
> few extra flowers and smear them over himself to acquire
> their scent.

CROW: Cheaper and easier than using deodorant, I suppose.

> He was sure the Princessa would appreciate it.
> But first he'd check with her personal servant,

MIKE: Played by Alan Napier.

> just to make
> sure their nectar wasn't poisonous.

TOM: (Julian) Duh... I probably should've asked BEFORE I smeared 'em on
myself. Oh well...

> It wouldn't do to have
> a poisonous substance smeared over his body if she decided
> she wanted to do a little nibbling.

CROW: (Julian) Stop nibbling me, Alis. You just ate!

> A lovesick sigh escaped as the thought of her nibbling
> his body brought back memories of the previous nights love
> play.

MIKE: And also memories of eating a box of Triscuits.

> With those memories running through his mind he entered
> the gym and set about relieving the various but not
> unpleasant aches and pains the night's activities had left
> him with.

TOM: (Julian) Duh... dodgeball isn't as fun with just one person.

> ********************************

CROW: Night of Thirty-Two Stars.

> The Princessa had been curled up on the bed waiting
> for Julian wearing nothing but a black silk robe loosely
> tied around her waist.

MIKE: So she's nude except for a kimono?
TOM: Was she bareheaded under her hat?
CROW: I just want to know why the Felistians import cloth from Earth.

> Set before her was a folded puddle
> of black silk and a black enameled case.

CROW: Mike, how can you fold a puddle?
MIKE: Uh...

> Julian correctly
> assumed both items were meant for him as he crossed the
> room and climbed onto the bed to crawl across it and kiss
> his Princessa.

TOM: He really should've brought her a dead mouse as a love offering.

> One kiss was all it took to revive the ache in his
> groin.

MIKE: Julian's groin - where one cat has gone before.

> Her nose twitched

CROW: (makes _Bewtiched_ sound) Tinka-tinka-tee.
TOM: Poof.
MIKE: SAM!

> as their kiss broke up and

CROW: Filed for divorce.

> she
> pushed him away laughing.

MIKE: (Alis) You're such a pervert!
TOM: (Austin Powers) Yeah, baby. (growls)

> "Always so eager to get to the breeding part."
> Julian flushed.

CROW: About time, too. That bathroom! Whoo-whee!

> It wasn't his fault if he couldn't
> control his physical reaction to intimate contact with her.

TOM: Intimate Contact, Alis. Tonight on Lifetime, television for women.

> She eased the sting of her remark with one of her gigawatt
> heart stopping smiles and tapped his nose.

MIKE: She never understood why he always went into cardiac arrest.

> "Later."

CROW: (Alis) "...With Bob Costas" was a great show, don't ya think?

> He smiled and sat back on his heels, kneeling on the
> bed before her.

TOM: All of a sudden, he confuses his girlfriend with a statue of Baal.

> She picked up the case and held it out to
> him.

MIKE: A mere case? Come on, Julian can drink at least a keg.

> "I had this made for you," she announced with a
> flicker of fear in her eyes.

CROW: (singing) It's the eyes of the tiger...

> Seeing that, Julian realised she was afraid he
> wouldn't like the gift and resolved to smile and kiss her
> till her head spun no matter what it was.

TOM: Even if it's a tie?

> He reached out to
> open the box and lift the lid.

MIKE: And Thing popped out.
CROW: (Julian) Thanks. I, uh, always need a hand around the house.

> Alis watched as Julian opened the box, eyes widening,
> fury taking the place of adoration.

CROW: No Julian, it's a FURRY that's taken your place of adoration.
Stop
confusing those two words!

> "A slave collar ... *You* had a *slave* collar made
> for *me*?!"

TOM: Wouldn't it be cheaper and easier for Alis to rub up against Julian
and leave her scent on him?

> He spat furiously.

CROW: You might say he was a Spitfire. Heh, heh.

> "It's not a slave collar, Julian, it's a Consort's
> collar."

MIKE: Alis, that line didn't work with my ex. I doubt that it'll work
with
Julian.

> "A Consort's collar???"

TOM: (Alis) That, and a flea collar.
MIKE: (Aladdin) I don't have fleas. (scratches his head)

> "Yes, I want you to be my Consort."

CROW: (Alis) What I'm trying to say is "I have sexually intercourse with
you for the rest of you life!!!".

> "Does this mean you won't take any other lovers?" He
> asked.

TOM: I'm sorry. All questions MUST be submitted in writing.

> She was silent, a bad sign.

MIKE: Not from this vantage point.

> He knew it meant it meant
> she was trying to find a way to say no that wouldn't dent
> his ego.

CROW: Or his Yugo.

> He wanted to throw the collar across the room,

TOM: (singing) When Captain America throws his mighty collar...

> to
> rage, to cry for dreams that would never be, for being fool
> enough to believe she was different than the rest.

MIKE: I just realized that Julian is kind of a big, whiny baby.
CROW: Oh yeah? What led you to that realization?
MIKE: Mostly the fact that acts like a big, whiny baby.
CROW: Hmmmm. Interesting.

> That she
> wanted more from their relationship other than babies and a
> toy boy.

MIKE: That's funny, I was sure she'd also want a diamond.

> "May the first mother take me once again to her den

CROW: (Alis) To watch the big game.

> if I lie when I say, I will *never* take another *lover*,"
> she began then drew in a deep breath to continue.

TOM: Boom - I take a deep breath.

> "I might be required to take another male as a breed
> mate for breeding purposes because it is my duty to produce
> offspring for the clan; an heir to follow me at the very
> least."

MIKE: I thought members of The Clans were born in test tubes...

> Julian nodded, that he could understand and at that
> moment in time he would have given anything to be the one
> who fathered all her children.

CROW: While she watched _All My Children_.

> "But, it will be nothing but sex.

MIKE: (Julian) Well, as long as you don't kiss, I guess it'll be all
right.

> No one will ever
> take your place - In my arms, my bed, my heart..." She said
> her voice husky.

CROW: Then her voice pulled a sled in the Iditarod.

> Julian's brain turned to pure mush.

TOM: Normally, it's only 99% mush.

> "I want only you to share my bed, my quarters ... My
> life.."

MIKE: (Alis) My laundry.
TOM: So, where will she have sex with other men if only Julian shares
her
bed?

> She finished her fear of rejection clear on her face.

MIKE: For clear faces, use Clearasil.

> Julian banished her fears with a kiss that said
> everything he couldn't find the words to express - but most
> importantly of all it said, *Yes*

TOM: *We have no bananas*.

> I want that too.

MIKE: It also said "Wahhhh, I'm a big, whiny baby and I need changing".

> When the kiss finally ended both were breathless and
> Julian was aching to be one with her again.

TOM: And that is why a man shall leave his abusive parents and join his
wife, and they shall become one flesh.

> Instead, he
> reached down to pick up the collar and examine it closely.

CROW: (Julian, reading) Made... in... China.

> It was a highly decorated, jewelled and engraved gold
> collar.

MIKE: GOLD? You just said the secret woid.

> The engraving, in Felistian script, read,

TOM: "This book belongs to __________".

> "Property
> of the Prime Heir"

CROW: I'm not only the President of the heir club for furries, I'm also
a
client.

> among something else he couldn't decipher.

MIKE: The plots of David Lynch movies?

> He turned it over in his hands to see it was lined with
> the softest velvet to prevent the metal from biting into his
> neck.

TOM: But I thought he liked having his neck bitten!

> He found the cleverly hidden catch at the back of the
> collar

CROW: (Julian) You're going to charge 19 percent interest?

> and opened it then looked up to find his Princessa
> watching him.

MIKE: (Alis) Let's see if he can mess THIS up, too!

> His gaze locked with hers he raised the collar
> to slip it on and snap it into place around his neck.

TOM: (Julian) Even though your definition of a consort is strikingly
similar to the definition of a slave, right down to the
fact
that a consort has to wear a collar marking him as
chattel,
reminiscent of the Roman custom of requiring every slave
to
wear a belt bearing his owner's name, I agree to be your
consort.

> "There's only one thing I don't like about this," he
> said.

MIKE: (Julian) The sex. You really suck in the sack, Alis!

> "That I must produce kits for the clan."

TOM: I guess that means she'll be kit-bashing.

> "Oh no, that I can understand... And I hope that I'll
> be the only man helping you to do that."

ALL: Wacka-chicka-wacka-chicka-bwomp.

> She reached out to brush her fingers over his lips.

CROW: (Alis) That peanut butter on your lips was really distracting.

> "That is my wish also, but, "she sighed, "it may not
> be so. My mother had sixteen kits before I was born.

TOM: (Julian) You misspelled "kids".
CROW: (Alis) No, no. She had an infatuation with model ships.

> Most
> did not live,

MIKE: (Alis) We had to eat them to survive.

> and the others were examined and judged
> unfit to eventually rule for various reasons.

TOM: They scored poorly in the evening gown competition.

> I was born
> after she took a human mate and found to be what the
> selectors consider perfect matriarchal material."

CROW: SEE a race with a total lack of xenophobia!
MIKE: (selector) We demand the right to be ruled by a half-human freak!

> "Really, that means being a half breed won't affect
> our children's chances of being selected as Primary Heirs."
> "Exactly."

TOM: Of course, they look unkindly on quarter breeds, but we'll cross
that
bridge when we come to it.

> He smiled.
> "If it is not the kitlet producing that bothers you,
> what is it?" She asked quite curious.

CROW: (quite curious) Don't ask me!

> "It's what the collar says, '*Property* of the Prime
> Heir', Alistriayen.

TOM: Ah, so Alis is just a nickname. WHY DID WE HAVE TO WAIT SO LONG TO
FIND THIS OUT?!?
MIKE: Because "Alistriayen" is such a mouthful the authors didn't want
to
type it more than once.
CROW: Or maybe "Alistriayen" is her full name, with "Alis" being a given
name, "tri" meaning "daughter of" and "Ayen" being her mother's
name.

(pause)

ALL: Naaaaaaah!

> I'm not property.

TOM: (Julian) I am not a number, either.

> I'm a free man,

MIKE: He was marked down from fifty cents.
CROW: Still overpriced.

> and
> I don't like the idea of wearing something that say's
> otherwise."

TOM: So he's NOT down with being O.P.P.

> "I'm sorry, Jules, but

CROW: (Alis) I thought _20,000 Leagues Under the Sea_ sucked.

> that is the way things are
> here, women own men, they are property..."

MIKE: Wait, women are property, but they own men?
TOM: (singing) We are all slaves to love...

> "We have a saying, the times they are a changing ...

TOM: (singing) Come writers and critics, who prophesize with your pens,
and read this bad story, about equal rights for men.

> Your empire is going through changes,

CROW: (Julian) Constantine has made Christianity the state religion.

> has been since our
> peoples first encountered each other.

TOM: Actually, all cultures are constantly in a state of flux, even when
they appear entirely stable.
MIKE: Thank you, Mr. Anthropology.

> The treaty talks are
> a sign of it."
> She nodded.
> "For a change to take place, someone has to be
> willing to defy convention and tradition.

CROW: (Julian) They're usually killed or exiled for their beliefs, but
that
will be all right. *I* won't feel a thing. Well, until
you're removed and I no longer have a protector, but hey,
you only live once.

> Someone others
> respect.

MIKE: (Julian) Do you know where we can find someone like that?

> Someone like you, the Prime Heir of the Supreme
> Ruler of the Empire.

CROW: Wouldn't a supreme ruler be one that had every system of
measurement?

> Someone no one will have the power to
> censure for her choices."

TOM: Let me get this straight. Just because she's the Dauphin, she can
not
only live a lifestyle that's repugnant to her culture, she can
force
it down everyone else's collective throat? Can't they burn her at
the
stake or something?

> Had Julian's father been there, he would have burst

MIKE: ...into tears.
TOM: (Julian's dad, sobbing) My son is a cultural imperialist!

> with pride at his son's little speech, which Julian had
> borrowed from a book he remembered reading once.

CROW: _White Man's Burden_?

> Alis considered his words carefully.

MIKE: And she decided he was full of it.

> His look said if
> you really loved me as much as you say,

CROW: Then you might be a redneck.

> you'd make a change
> for me.

TOM: Of course, real love means you don't try to change the other
person.

> She sighed, she could deny him nothing when he
> looked at her like that.

MIKE: I just know that, at the end, King Richard will return, reclaim
the
throne, solve everyone's problems, and let Julian marry Alis.

> "You are right."

CROW: (Alis) You listen to Rush Limbaugh, don't you?

> She reached out to remove his collar and set it back
> in the case.

TOM: And Nancy Drew was on the case.

(MIKE and CROW groan)

> "Tomorrow I will take this back to the Jeweller and
> have the inscription removed and replaced with one that
> reads,

MIKE: 'He pestered me into changing the inscription'.

> 'Julian Bashir, Consort to the Prime Heir'."

CROW: 'A Man Obsessed with Semantics',
TOM: 'Vice-President of the Shaun Cassidy Fan Club',
MIKE: 'And Archbishop of York'.

> His face lit up with a radiant smile that made her
> heart skip.

TOM: (Julian) Alis, baby, you're the greatest!

> She returned it with another gigawatt smile that

CROW: Killed every living thing on the planet.

> had him reaching for her to enfold her in an embrace.

MIKE: Do not enfold, spindle or mutilate.

> Kissing
> her he lowered her back on the bed kneeling between her legs.

TOM: And for some reason, he said two "Hail Mary"s and an "Our Father".

> One hand fumbled with her robe's tie

CROW: Neckties worn with robes, a new fad among the furries.

> while the other moved
> up her thigh.

TOM: (singing) Well, we're movin' on up...

> She shoved him off violently.

MIKE: Is there any other way to shove someone?

> He fell back on
> to the bed, to sit up with a highly hurt and confused look,
> mouth opening to ask why.

CROW: Why ask why?

> The sight of the sheer terror on
> her face stopped him. He didn't know what he'd done to put
> it there, but he wanted to be sure he never did it again.

MIKE: We'll return to _What the Heck did Julian do Wrong?_ after a brief
intermission.

(TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the
theater.)

[Door 1]
[Door 2]
[Door 3]
[Door 4]
[Door 5]
[Door 6]
[Dog Bone]

[SOL Bridge. MIKE is behind the counter. TOM and CROW enter.]

TOM: Mike, we want you to marry Gypsy.
MIKE: (stunned) What?
CROW: Well, we were going to ask you to enslave her, but today's fanfic
has
demonstrated the many advantages marriage has over slavery.
TOM: Yeah, such as... uh...
CROW: And, um...
TOM: Well, suffice it to say that we've been convinced of the
superiority
of marriage.
CROW: So we want you to give her this.

(CROW lifts up his arms, revealing the black enameled case he's holding
in
his hands. MIKE lifts the lid and takes out a dog collar with some
writing
on it.)

MIKE: So when I propose to Gypsy, I'm supposed to give her this dog
collar?
CROW: Yeah, but tell her it's a "wife's collar".

(MIKE shakes his head and chuckles)

MIKE: Okay, I'll go along with this. (shouting) GYPS, COULD YOU COME
HERE?

(GYPSY enters, stage right)

MIKE: I had this made for you, Most Esteemed Lady.
GYPSY: *YOU* had a *SLAVE* collar made for *ME*?!?
MIKE: It's not a slave collar, it's a wife's collar.
GYPSY: Does that mean you won't take any other lovers?

(MIKE is silent for a beat)

MIKE: Define "won't".
GYPSY: Mike...
MIKE: I won't take another LOVER, cross my heart, hope to die, stick a
needle in my eye. (pause) I might be required to have a big harem
filled with gorgeous women for breeding purposes, but it will be
nothing but hot, pleasurable, wonderful sex. I want only you to
share my bed, my quarters, my life, and stuff like that.

(GYPSY gives MIKE a kiss that says everything she can't find the words
to
express, but most importantly, it says "that sounds cool")

GYPSY: I accept. Go ahead and put the collar on me.

(MIKE puts the collar around a part of GYPSY's tube near her head)

GYPSY: There's only one thing I don't like about this.
MIKE: Oh? What's that?
GYPSY: I refuse to wear this collar.
MIKE: But I thought you just said--
GYPSY: (interupting) It says "property of Michael J. Nelson" on it. I'm
not a number, I am a free woman, and I don't like the idea of
wearing anything that says otherwise.

(MIKE takes the collar off GYPSY, gets a black magic marker from behind
the
counter, crosses out the word "property" and writes the word "wife")

MIKE: How's that?
GYPSY: Perfect!

(MIKE enfolds GYPSY in an embrace. The yellow light flashes and CROW
hits
it with his beak.)

[Planet Bumper]