[MiSTing] [REVISED] Smoked Spam (3/3)
Juliet A. Youngren
All enter the theater and sit down.]
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> Our other fine herbal, botanical
MIKE: Biological, carbon-based...
> products include the following:
CROW: Gah! There's *more*???
>
> 1. Sweet Vjestika
MIKE: By Jove!
TOM: Great Caesar's Ghost!
CROW: Sweet Vjestika!
> Aphrodisia Drops (tm); An erotic aphrodisiac;
TOM: As opposed to non-erotic aphrodisiacs?
MIKE: Like raw oysters?
TOM: Bleh. Good point.
> sexual intensifier/enhancer liquid amalgamated extract
TOM: Amalgamated Extract ended plus three points on the day ...
> for MEN and
> WOMEN.
CROW: Hermaphrodites, however, will be overstimulated and die. But
oh, will they ever die happy!
>
>
>
>
TOM: Great. Even the spam seems to have vegged out on us.
> 2. "Seventh Heaven" Prosaka Tablets (tm);
CROW: As endorsed by Reverend Eric and Annie Camden.
> a botanical alternative
> to pharmaceutical medications
MIKE: Great! I'll try it next time I go to the dentist, to see if it
will replace Novacain.
CROW: You mean ....
MIKE: Yes, I want to transcend dental medication!
[pause]
TOM: You should be shot for using a joke that old.
> for calm, balance, serenity and
> joyful living...
CROW: Spent in one small, smoke-hazed room with a beaded curtain and
a Lava lamp.
>
> 3. "Seventh Heaven" Gentle Ferocity Tablets (tm);
MIKE: That is one *heck* of an oxymoron.
TOM: Oxymorons from marketing morons!
> a most
> efficacious, non-caffeine, non-ephedrine, non-MaHuang
MIKE: Non-helpful...
CROW: Non-necessary...
> botanical
> energizer and cutting-edge appetite suppressant...
MIKE: Distilled essence of all the sappy moments from "Seventh
Heaven" is enough sweetness to kill *any* appetite!
>
> 4. Extreme Martial Arts Botanical Remedies;
TOM: Ex-TREEEEEEM Botanics!
> Equivalence Tablets
MIKE: So they've taken their GED?
> &
> Dragon Wing Remedy Spray
TOM: Smaug was looking for that.
CROW: Fanbot.
> ...pain management that works to alleviate
> pain
ALL: Nooooo!
> even for arthritis and fibromyalgia sufferers...
TOM: Fi...fiber...my eye...yeesh, I'm getting a headache just trying
to pronounce that.
CROW: Too bad it doesn't work on sufferers of bad fanfics, email
spams, or cheesy movies.
MIKE: I think some of that Kathmandu stuff might work for us,
though.
CROW: In that case, I take back all those disparaging things I said
against Kathmandu Temple Kiff.
>
>
>
>
>
TOM: And we get more blank stares from the stoned spam.
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> Sweet Vjestika
TOM: Shades of Elvis!
> Aphrodisia Drops (tm)
>
> inspires and enhances:
CROW: Absolutely nothing!
MIKE: Don't we wish.
>
> * Penile & clitoral sensitivity
[All cough uncomfortably]
CROW: There are sooo many "shy genitalia" jokes I could make here,
but I won't.
TOM: Thank God for small favors.
> * Sensitivity to touch
TOM: Does this bug you? I'm almost not touching you...
> * Desire to touch and be touched
TOM: Oh. I guess it doesn't bug them.
> * Fantasy, lust, rapture, erogenous sensitivity ...
MIKE: All are out of reach for you, loser!
> * Prolongs and intensifies foreplay,
MIKE: Well, golf could definitely use some intensification.
CROW: But *please,* don't prolong it any more!
> orgasm & climax
>
>
>
>
>
MIKE: OK, guys, now look both ways before crossing the street.
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
MIKE: There. Safely across.
CROW: Unfortunately.
>
>
> "Seventh Heaven" Prosaka Tablets ...
CROW: Must be three of them right there.
>
> Entirely natural, proprietary,
TOM: We *own* you, Mother Nature!
> botanical prescription comprised of
> uncommon Asian Herbs
MIKE: [Weedman] Calling them uncommon means we can jack up the price.
CROW: He's got a point, though. [beat] Guys named Herb *are* pretty
uncommon in Asia.
> for Calm, Balance, Serenity and Joyful Living.
TOM: Your Moon Kingdom Court, ladies and gentlemen!
>
>
>
> "Seventh Heaven" Prosaka
CROW: As used by Simon and Mary Camden!
>
> is indeed a most extraordinary, viripotent,
TOM: That does it! I'm looking that word up in my internal database.
[Brief electronic sounds.]
MIKE: So what does it mean?
TOM: It's an obsolete word for the condition of being a sexually
mature male. Unless these are all sexed plants, that makes no
sense at all.
CROW: So if you introduce the viripotent plants to the "herbas," do
you get baby plants?
> calming, centering,
> mood-enhancing,
MIKE: What if my mood is anger?
> holistically-formulated,
TOM: I'd rather you only formulated it in part.
> exotic herbaceous
> alternative to pharmaceutical medications for depression, anxiety,
> stress, insomnia, etc.
CROW: What next? Willow bark as an asprin alternative?
>
> NO side effects! NO dependency!
TOM: NO runs! NO drips! NO errors!
> Vivaciously Mellow!
ALL: [singing] Have you never been vivaciously mellow?
TOM: Va-va-va--oh, woooow, maaaan.
>
>
>
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
TOM: Boy. Slow traffic day.
>
>
>
> "Seventh Heaven" Gentle Ferocity Tablets (tm) ..
MIKE: Is it just me, or does that sound like a title for a porn
flick?
>
> a non-caffeine, non-ephedrine, non-ephedra, non-MaHuang;
TOM: Non-medicinal!
CROW: Non-effective!
> viripotent, herbaceous prescription for the dynamic energization of
> body, mind and spirit.
CROW: Translation--you'll be bouncing off the walls.
TOM: Hey! If drugs energized the spirit, we'd have a lot of happy
addicts.
MIKE: That's it, Servo. Save your semantic argumemts for the spam.
>
> This Gentle Ferocity Formulation is amalgamated
TOM: It's part of ConHugeCo.
> in accordance with
> the fundamental Taoist herbal principle of botanical interactiveness
> and precursorship
MIKE: Somehow, I don't remember that in the 'I Ching.'
> which in essence is a molecular equation of the
> relevant botanical/herbal alkaloids and glycosides
CROW: Is that anything like the quadratic formula?
> interacting with
> one another to prolificate molecular communion
TOM: The Lord's Supper for *really* small people.
> and thereby to
> achieve demonstrative herbal efficaciousness without negative
> implication to any aspect of human composition.
TOM: What is this? The herbalist's equivalent of technobabble?
CROW: [chuckling] That last paragraph just went right over the heads
of 99% of their intended niche market!
MIKE: [stoner] Woah ... words.
> These Gentle
> Ferocity Cordial Tablets are incredulously
MIKE: Incredulous. That sounds about right.
> and thoroughly effective.
> Enjoy!
ALL: Share and Enjoy!
>
> For those of you who seek to achieve most
TOM: --Anything worthy of pursuit, why the heck are you still reading
this?
> demonstrative/non-
> invasive/non prohibitive appetite suppression
CROW: --Just read this spam.
> without the negative
> implications of ongoing usage of MaHuang
MIKE: The Chinese phone monopoly?
> Herb, Ephedra/Ephedrine or
> Caffeine
TOM: Hey, caffeine is relatively safe for a stimulant.
CROW: True, but it can still make some uncomfortably jittery if they
have too much.
MIKE: So what stimulants are left?
TOM: Theophylline, for one. A drug, similar to caffeine, that's
found in chocolate.
CROW: You should know, fembot. My vote is for the original, all-
natural basis for uppers.
TOM: You'll need one after I get through with you for that "fembot"
crack.
CROW: I'd like to see you try, Mr. Non-Functioning Arms!
[They scuffle, but Mike quickly separates them.]
MIKE: Guys, guys, we're almost through.
> as are so magnanimously utilized
CROW: Then shouldn't we be grateful? Since they're being magnanimous
about using them?
> in a multitude of herbal
> "diet aids" entitled as "Thermogenics" ...
CROW: By L. Ron Hubbard.
MIKE: Tsk, tsk. Forgot the (TM) for that.
> this is ABSOLUTELY the
> herbal agenda/product for you!!
TOM: [singing] Attaaaaack of the Killer Tomatoes!
>
> Entirely Natural! Increases Energy!
CROW: Increases Gullibility!
>
> Increases Metabolism!
MIKE: Denudes your Savings!
TOM: If you have any!
> Decreases Appetite!
CROW: Save your money and go brew yourself a gallon of tea!
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
>
> Extreme Martial Arts Botanical Remedies
TOM: Ex-TREEEEEM Martial--well, actually, they're already pretty
extreme.
CROW: Hey, extreme sports take extreme cures!
>
> Eastern culture has long had a treatment for bone, muscle, tendon,
> ligament, sinew and joint distress, traumas, afflictions and
> constrictions.
CROW: Oh, please, let it be the Japanese bathhouse girls from You
Only Live Twice.
MIKE: No, it's called 'Going to a trained physician.'
>
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
>
> We are pleased to offer:
TOM: We are *not,* however, pleased to read.
>
> Equivalence Tablets & Dragon Wing Remedy Spray
CROW: Darn.
TOM: Did we suddenly warp to Pern?
> (Hei Ping Shun)
CROW: It's the pills that go ping!
> (Hei Long Chibang)
MIKE: The Chinese translation of 'Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang.'
>
> PLEASE NOTE:
CROW: Do not use while operating heavy machinery.
MIKE: Some restrictions may apply.
TOM: Offer not valid in all states.
>
> While it is true that all physiological traumas and injuries are
> unique
TOM: So you have to come up with an entirely new medical treatment
each time?
MIKE: No wonder HMOs are so expensive!
> and that no product can arbitrarily eliminate all of the pain
> and discomfort in all people all of the time,
TOM: And we can't fool all of you people all of the time.
CROW: It's too late to try to cover your butt legally, Weedman.
> the combination of
> Equivalence Tablets (Hei Ping Shun) and Dragon Wing Remedy (Hei Long
> Chibang) remedial botanicals
MIKE: So these things couldn't pass Biology on the first go? Why
should I trust them?
> does Guarantee to at the least:
CROW: The cure for the common ache?
MIKE: I'm going to have to clean your optical system. That was a
colon, not a period!
>
> 1. Significantly reduce discomfort and pain!
TOM: You'll be unconscious, but pain-free!
MIKE: Until they wear off, of course.
> (In many instances most, if not all, traumas and distress can be
> eliminated!)
CROW: What about our trauma and distress from reading this?
>
> 2. Significantly increase mobility and strength ratio.
MIKE: Useful when you're trying to escape the police.
> (Please remember also the significance of proper diet,
>
> exercise, rest and prayer.)
CROW: Then again, had you been doing that, you probably would not be
needing the help of drugs right now!
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
> Equivalence Tablets & Dragon Wing Spray Remedials
MIKE: Equivalent to what?
TOM: Themselves, I suppose. It's a Zen thing, like the sound of one
hand clapping.
>
> are comprised of entirely natural botanical factors.
CROW: [Snorts] Yeah, well, so's weed.
TOM: You would know.
>
> While Equivalence Tablets (Hei Ping Shun) and Dragon Wing Remedy
> Spray
MIKE: Yeah, you should spray your home for Dragon Wings every couple
of years.
> (Hei Long Chibang)
CROW: Hei, long time, no chibang, heh heh.
MIKE: Crow ...
> are extremely effective individually, they
> are utilized to maximum advantage when used in conjunction with one
> another.
TOM: Wish I could say the same for these polysyllabic words and the
stoner market.
MIKE: [Stoner] Words ...
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
CROW: An unfinished highway.
>
>
> PRICING INFORMATION:
MIKE: Oh, goodie. We've reached the price details section.
CROW: Yeah, the spam is always dullest before the end.
>
> 1. SEVENTH HEAVEN KATHMANDU TEMPLE KIFF (tm)
TOM: [singing] In Kathmandu, Kathmandu ...
MIKE: AAARRRGGHH!!! Flashbacks to disco on rollerskates! Thanks,
Servo.
>
> One .75 oz. jigget/bar $65.00
TOM: Wake me when they're done with the pricing info.
[He settles in for a nap.]
> One 2.0 oz. jigget/bar $115.00
CROW: You know, "jigget_bar" would make a *great* name for a nudie
bar.
[Tom begins to snore.]
>
> (FREE Capillaris Herba
MIKE: Capillary Herbal?
> with 2.0 oz. bar.
>
> Refer to Capillaris paragraph at end of text)
CROW: Sheesh, this thing has footnotes now?
>
> 2. SWEET VJESTIKA
MIKE: Holy Toledo!
> APHRODISIA DROPS (tm)
> One 1.0 oz. bottle $90.00
> Two 1.0 oz. bottles $140.00
MIKE: I bet that's just perfume.
CROW: Nah. Not expensive enough.
>
> 3. SEVENTH HEAVEN PROSAKA (tm)
> One 100 tablet tin $40.00
>
> Three 100 tablet tins $105.00
> Six 100 tablet tins $185.00
CROW: As always, buy in bulk and save!
MIKE: Is it me, or is Count von Count losing it?
[Tom still snores.]
>
> 4. SEVENTH HEAVEN GENTLE FEROCITY (tm)
MIKE: The lion shall lie down with the lamb...
> One 300 tablet jar $130.00
CROW: The Addict's Special.
MIKE: Yeah, that'll last, oh, about, a month, max.
>
>
>
>
> 5. Equivalence Tablets
MIKE: Awww...they don't get a trademark.
CROW: I'll give 'em one--(tm).
>
> (Each bottle contains 90 - 500mg tablets.)
MIKE: Ninety? Where'd the other ten go?
CROW: The cotton crowded 'em out.
>
>
> ** 3-pack (270 tablets) $83.00
> ** 6-pack (540 tablets) $126.00 (save $40.00)
CROW: Oh, how nice! These guys did all the math so the stoners
wouldn't have to!
>
> ** 9-pack (810 tablets) $159.00 (save $90.00)
>
> ** 12-pack (1,080 tablets) $192.00 (save $140.00)
[Tom's still snoring.]
MIKE: I'm wondering how someone can go through over a thousand pills
before they lose their effectiveness.
CROW: Yeah, it's like a Sam's Club for druggies.
>
> 6. Dragon Wing Spray Remedy
CROW: Mercury Bubbles--Blast!
MIKE: Mars Fire--Ignite!
>
> (Each spray bottle contains 4 liquid oz.)
CROW: Official pain remedy of the Homeopathic Hockey League!
>
>
> ** 3-pack (3 - 4 oz. bottles) $83.00
> ** 6-pack (6 - 4 oz. bottles) $126.00 (save $40.00)
> ** 9-pack (9 - 4 oz. bottles) $159.00 (save $90.00)
> ** 12-pack (12 - 4 oz. bottles) $192.00 (save $140.00)
MIKE: It's a dragonload of savings--at Menards!
>
>
>
> ************
>
> 7. Dynamic Duo Introductory Offers
CROW: Uhh...we already know who the Dynamic Duo is. No need to
introduce them.
MIKE: To the Bat Pot, Robin!
CROW: Holy high, Batman!
>
>
>
> ** 3-pack Equivalence Tabs & 3-pack Dragon Wing $126.00 (save $40.00)
> ** 6-pack Equivalence Tabs
CROW: Suddenly I'm getting an image of a reformulated 80's soft
drink.
> & 3-pack Dragon Wing $159.00 (save $50.00)
> ** 9-pack Equivalence Tabs & 6-pack Dragon Wing $215.00 (save $70.00)
> ** 12-pack Equivalence Tabs & 9-pack Dragon Wing $271.00 (save $80.00)
[Tom's STILL snoring away.]
CROW: Eye of newt, and toe of frog...
MIKE: But what if I want only a 6-pack of the pills and a 12-pack of
the spray?
>
>
>
> 8. SWEET APHRODISIA INTRO COMBINATION OFFER
MIKE: I'll take one from Menu A and two from Menu B.
>
>
> Includes One, 2.0 oz. jigget/bar of Kathmandu Temple Kiff &
>
> One, 1 oz. bottle of Sweet Vjestika Aphrodisia Drops.
CROW: Wouldn't the use of one make you forget about the effects of
the other?
>
>
>
> For $150.00 (Reg. $205.00 Save $55)
CROW: Oh, *now* he starts providing the regular prices!
>
> (FREE Capillaris Herba with this intro offer.
MIKE: Is that Latin for 'herbal caterpillar' or something?
>
> Refer to Capillaris paragraph at end of text)
CROW: Okily-dokily.
>
>
>
> 9. BODY, MIND, SPIRIT "HEAVENLY"
>
> INTRODUCTORY COMBINATION OFFER
MIKE: Gee, I don't know if I can afford all three. Can you just give
me body and spirit?
>
>
> Includes one, 2.0 oz. jigget/bar of Kathmandu Temple Kiff &
>
> 1 tin (100 tablets) of Seventh Heaven Prosaka.
CROW: The new fitness system endorsed by Barry Watson, aka Matt
Camden!
>
>
>
> For $125.00 (Reg. $155.00 Save $30)
> (FREE Capillaris Herba with this intro offer.
>
> Refer to Capillaris paragraph at end of text)
MIKE: That's a hauntingly familiar refrain ...
CROW: All right, already! We will!
>
>
>
> 10. "PURE ENERGY" INTRO COMBINATION OFFER
CROW: Been there, done that, voice mysteriously changed.
[Tom's still in dreamland.]
TOM: Yes, yes, Gillian, right there ... ooh, yes ...
>
>
> Includes one, 2.0 oz. jigget/bar of Kathmandu Temple Kiff &
>
> 1 jar (300 tablets) of Seventh Heaven Gentle Ferocity.
MIKE: The latest angsty anime series.
>
>
>
> For $170.00 (Reg. $245.00 Save$75)
>
> (FREE Capillaris Herba with this intro offer.
CROW: Oh, man, with all this build-up, I can't *wait* to find out
what it is!
>
> Refer to Capillaris paragraph at end of text)
MIKE: If this spam were a film, it'd be called "Refer Madness."
>
>
>
> 11. "SENSITIVE" PREFERENTIAL INTRO COMBINATION OFFER
CROW: [Groucho] Strangest term for a threesome I *ever* heard!
MIKE: They're giving sensitive people preferential treatment? That's
discrimination!
>
>
> Includes one, 2.0 oz. jigget/bar of Kathmandu Temple Kiff &
>
> 1 tin (100 tablets) of Seventh Heaven Prosaka &
>
> 1 jar (300 tablets) of Seventh HeavenGentle Ferocity
CROW: Cripes, anyone who buys this combo is going to overdose on
mellow!
>
>
>
> For $200.00 (Reg. $285.00 Save $85)
MIKE: Uh, thanks, but we can do the math.
CROW: Consider the market, Mike.
MIKE: Oh, right. [Stoner] Two and two is ... uh ... uh ...
forty-two?
[Tom continues to snooze.]
>
> (FREE Capillaris Herba with this intro offer.
MIKE: What is that, Italian for "Herb the Hilarious Mobster"?
>
> Refer to Capillaris paragraph at end of text.)
CROW: Well, if you'd stop with the combo offers, we could *get* to
it!
[Tom jumps awake.]
TOM: What? What? Is the spam over yet?
MIKE: Unfortunately, no.
TOM: Rats.
>
>
>
>
>
> 12. ULTIMATE HERBACEOUSNESS
MIKE: Bill and Ted's greenhouse!
BOTS: [Unison, Bill and Ted] EXCELLENT!!!
>
> INTRODUCTORY COMBINATION OFFER
>
>
> Includes one - 2.0 oz. jigget/bar of Kathmandu Temple Kiff &
>
> One - 1 oz.bottle of Sweet Vjestika
TOM: Great Scott!
> Aphrodisia Drops &
>
> One - 100 tablet tin of Prosaka &
> One - 300 count jar of Gentle Ferocity
CROW: On Nintendo Gamecube!
>
>
>
> DEEP
MIKE: Cleansing!
CROW: Purple!
TOM: Thirteen!
CROW: Doo-doo!
TOM: SLEEEEEEEP!
> Discounted Price of $260.00 (Reg. $375.00 Save $115)
>
> (FREE Capillaris Herba with this intro offer.
TOM: So bad, they have to *give* it away!
>
> Refer to Capillaris paragraph at end of text.)
CROW: So get on with it, already!
>
>
>
> SPECIAL OFFER:
CROW: Ooooh, is this it?
>
> For a limited time only, you will receive a
MIKE: Free trip to the hoosegow!
> FREE personal
> Brass
TOM: Knuckles to the face! A dozen times.
MIKE: Dark, Tom, very dark.
TOM: Hey, I had a nightmare during my nap, okay?
CROW: Right, Servo. [Imitates Tom] "Ooh, Gillian, right there ...
yes, oh, yes ...."
TOM: Remind me never to fall asleep around you guys ever again.
CROW: Fanbot.
> Hookah with the Ultimate Herbaceous Introductory Offer as our
> gift to you.
TOM: Our thanks for being so gullible.
> This Hookah has a retail value of $25.00.
CROW: Making fun of Servo's dreams? Priceless.
MIKE: It's your no-frills brass hookah.
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> ORDERING INFORMATION:
MIKE: Ahh, the home stretch.
>
>
>
> For your convenience,
CROW: [Church Lady] Oh, how con-VEEEEN-ient!
>
> you can call us direct with your orders or questions.
>
>
>
> Call 1-623-974-2295
TOM: Voice mail bombs away! Woohoo!
>
>
> Monday - Friday -- 10:30 AM to 7:00 PM (Mountain Time)
MIKE: This guy evidently doesn't have a job.
CROW: And who here is surprised by that?
TOM: My un-surprise surpasses all description.
> Saturday -- 11:00 AM to 3:00 PM (Mountain Time)
TOM: Well, I guess that makes them "Rocky Mountain High"! Ha!
[Mike and Crow groan.]
>
> For all domestic orders, add $5.00 shipping & handling (shipped
> U.S. Priority Mail).
CROW: Boy, does that ever give new meaning to the U. S. Postal
Service's "Fly like an eagle" slogan.
> Add $20.00 for International orders.
MIKE: [Weedman] The extra $15 is for bribing customs officials.
>
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
>
> SPECIAL DISCOUNT & GIFT
CROW: Finally!
>
>
> Call now and receive a FREE Botanical Gift!
>
>
MIKE: A Chia Pet!
>
> With every order for a 2.0oz. jigget/bar of Kathmandu Temple Kiff or
> one of our four (4)
MIKE: IV.
TOM: 100.
MIKE: Huh?
TOM: Binary.
> Introductory Combination Offers,
>
>
CROW: Uh, huh...
>
> we will include as our FREE Gift to you ...
>
CROW: Yes? Yes?!
> a 2.0 oz. package
>
> of our ever so sedate, sensitive Asian import,
TOM: Obviously *not* Yoko Ono.
> loose-leaf Capillaris
> Herba for "happy" smoking or brewing ...
CROW: As opposed to the angry smoking of Denis Leary.
TOM: Or the conspiratorial smoking of C. G. B. Spender.
CROW: A-HA! You *are* an X-Files fanbot!
TOM: So are you, to get the reference!
> (a $65.00 retail value).
>
>
CROW: That's it?! *That's* the Capillaris paragraph? *Geez,* what a
let-down!
>
> ABSOLUTELY FREE!!
MIKE: If you love your Capillaris Herba, set it free...
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
> To remove your address from our list,
MIKE: Boy, do I wish that were an option for us.
TOM: At least it's almost over.
> click "Reply" in your email
> software and type "Remove" in the subject field, then send.
TOM: That was more hand-holding than those statements usually are.
MIKE: Well, remember the target audience.
>
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
MIKE: And finally, the path that leads us out of here.
>
>
>
>
>
>
MIKE: Let's go, guys.
CROW: Kewl! I got a great idea for a skit.
TOM: Me, too, Crow. Wanna collaborate?
CROW: Groovy, man!
[1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6]
[SOL Bridge. Crow is in a zoot suit and hat, looking stylish. Tom is
in the classic Travolta white suit and black shirt. Mike, is, as
usual, in his jumpsuit.]
CROW: Hey, Mike, can you help us here?
MIKE: Uh, sure, Crow, what's the trouble?
TOM: Well, we both have ideas for musical numbers, but they're in
different styles.
CROW: See, I want to do a swingin' jazz production number ...
[Mike nods, guessing what comes next.]
TOM: But I want to do disco!
MIKE: Um, why not combine them ... just like Danny and Sonny in
"Xanadu."
TOM: Really? I hadn't noticed.
{Is there some dialogue missing here? I'm not sure I see the
connection between the last two lines.}
MIKE: Riiiight.
TOM: No, really, this wasn't planned!
MIKE: [Not buying it] Whatever, Servo.
TOM: [To Crow] You got swing in my disco!
CROW: [To Tom] You got disco in my swing!
MIKE: Just get on with the skit!
CROW: [Humphs] You *don't* know the classic "Casablanca," but you
*do* know "Xanadu"?
[Tom and Mike move off screen.]
CROW: [Sings to "Hell" by Squirrel Nut Zippers]
Now you mail de spam all day,
Boy, do we wish there'll be Hell to pay.
Bulk mail, legal drugs, sex, sex, get-rich-quick, porno and jobs,
And all the things you try to sell
Will make us want you to go to Hell.
Now the S and the P and the A and the M
And the A and the T and the I-O-N
Hide your face
Hide your name
And be prepared for a suit or flames.
[Crow leaves left, Tom enters from right. Disco ball drops.]
TOM: [Sings to "Night Fever" by the Bee Gees]
Prayin' for this torment to end
Hatin' all the spam mail so bad
Borne on the Net
Killin' the cad
Spam fever, spam fev-er-her-er
I know how to end it.
Gimme that spam fever, spam fev-er-her-er
I know how to kill him.
[Disco ball rises. Tom starts to leave right, Crow enters from left.
They exchange words. Meanwhile, "Pennsylvania 6-5000" starts.]
CROW: [Whispers] Hey, Mr. Perfect, I think you missed up on that last
line.
TOM: [Whispers] No, I didn't. [Leaves]
MIKE: [Whispers] Crow, you're up!
CROW: [Sings to "Pennsylvania 6-5000"]
Evil.spammers.die.die.die!
[Crow leaves left, Tom enters from right. Disco ball drops.]
TOM: [Sings to "All Over the World" from Xanadu]
Everybody all around the Fed, gotta tell you what I just read
There's gonna be a lawsuit all over the world
I got a message on the Internet,
but where it came from I don't really know
And I saw these spammers mailing all over the world.
[Just then, Mike sails by, in as close to a Rollerball getup as he can
get, flailing in a vain attempt for balance.]
MIKE: Wooooaahh!
[Crash.]
CROW: [O.S.] Hey, coordinate your crashes next time, will ya?
[Disco ball rises once more. Tom, sighing, leaves right, Crow enters
from left. This time, his suit is rumpled, and a playground ball is
firmly wedged in his net "hair."]
CROW: [Sings to "Jump, Jive, and Wail" by the Brian Seltzer
Orchestra]
Oh,
you gotta spam, spam an' then you die
you gotta spam, spam an' then you die
you gotta spam, spam an' then you die'
you gotta spam, spam an' then you die
you gotta spam, spam an' then you die
and die!
[Crow leaves left, Tom enters from right. Disco ball rises.]
TOM: [Sings to "Staying Alive" by the Bee Gees]
Spamming emaaaail, haaaaaiilll, hay-ay-ay-ailll! Ow!
[Mike and Crow return. This time, Mike is in the robes and headdress
of a Tibetan monk. He's in rollerskates again, and barely maintains
his balance. The disco ball stays.]
ALL: [Big finish to "Xanadu" from the musical of the same name.]
The spam, the spammers we hate just so,
where do they come from and go?
They come from Kathmandu
The mail that wastes 'bout a million bytes
That lives despite all the fights, they came from Kathmandu
A million mails are spamming and there it is, the bulk mail biz,
An everlasting sale and they're all for free, eternally
Now that I'm nigh, now spammers die in Kathmandu
Now that I'm nigh, now spammers die in Kathmandu, Kathmandu!
[Crow does a sax solo.]
[Mads' light flashes. With the disco ball, it makes the bridge look
like a discotheque.]
MIKE: Whaddya think, Pearl? [Taps light]
[Castle Forrester. Various debris from the mads segments today--the
bongs, Pearl's bowl of herbs, etc.--is scattered around the hall.
Observer and Bobo are walking around in a daze. Bobo is waddling, as
he is fat, fat, fat!]
PEARL: Oh, hi, Olivia Nelson Mike. Well, I've had to make Beech and
Kong go cold turkey on the pseudo-Mary Jane. The ape was
eating me out of castle and home, and the Omniscient One made
a thought under the influence and draped the castle in the
gaudiest colors. [Shudder] Friends don't let friends think
drunk.
BOBO: I liked it.
PEARL: You would. Also, I'm now in the mass-production phase of my
Miracle Seasoning. I had Brain Guy jazz up the plants a
little so they'd grow super-fast.
[As she speaks, thick ropes of evil-looking vegetation start to creep
onscreen in the background. A few have snapping heads like Venus
flytraps.]
PEARL: Hey, where's Blackie? [Walks off screen, calling] Heeeere,
spider, spider, spider. Brain Guy! Bobo! Kill the
transmission and help me find Blackie!
[Brain Guy staggers to the console, looks at us for a moment, even
paler than usual, with severe bags under his eyes. He--gasp!--hits
the button manually.]
[Whoosh!]
\ | /
\ | /
----o----
/ | \
/ | \
[Credits]
Thanks to DadyTengu for pre-reading and for providing the definition
of "viripotent."
Be sure to check out Jesse Shearer's MiSTing of the original
Kathmandu Kiff spam, "Cannabis Alternative & FREE Gift!" It can be
found on Web Site #9 at this address:
http://www.masemware.com/mst3k/archive/cannabis.JS.txt
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and copyrighted [c] 2002 by Best Brains,
Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked
material is for non-commercial parody, review, and commentary purposes
only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by
Best Brains, Inc., is intended or should be inferred. No personal
insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are implied or
should be inferred.
[Over credits we hear]
PEARL: Blackie?!?!? NOOOOOO!!!!
Stinger:
> we will simply say of Temple 3 Shemhamphorashii
> (TM) that it is an ancient/traditional..technologically
> enhanced/advanced, sensitive/responsive, non-tobacco,
> non-cannabis/marijuana, non-additive, botanical/herba smoking
> substantiality/delight which is shamanically/sacramentally
> smoked/utilized/engaged for Well-Spirited Sensitivity/Responsiveness
> and multi-aspect Intimacy Enhancement.