[MiSTing] "Neo Evangelion" part 2 (finally) 2/2
Jim W.
>Cut to outside Asuka's room. Maya and Shinji are walking down the hall.
>Maya has her arm on Shinji's back,
CROW[Maya]: And *this* is how you perform the Neo-Heimlich.
> leading him away. They are unaware of a shadow (Gendo) watching them.
SERVO: He's not technically a shadow...
MIKE: We get it, Servo.
>
>Cut to the former Geo Front. Misato is going through rubble.
CROW: What, so all of a sudden she's Shadowcat?
>
>Misato: Come on, come on, where are you, you piece of...
>
>Misato throws a slag of rubble off-screen. A cell phone lies there.
>Misato rips open the cell phone and takes a microchip out. She runs off.
SERVO: Wow, she found the proverbial needle.
MIKE[James Earl Jones]: And now Verizon gives you powerful new technology
that allows you to destroy a cell phone to retrieve a computer chip
containing
top-secret military information.
>
>Cut to the control center. Misato is entering commands into the computer.
>Profiles began appearing on the screen.
>
>Computer: Name: Ayako Fukui.
CROW: Hey, is *that* how you say f--
MIKE: CROW!
CROW: --k in Japanese?
>Military rank: Lieutenant, Japanese Defense Force. Race: Japanese.
>Age: 35. Sex: Female. Abilities: Hacking.
SERVO: Sure, she can slice 'em up with the best of them, but she's no Bruce
Campbell.
>Current location: Kyoto, Japan.
>Misato: Next.
>Computer: Name: Harvey Bennett. Military rank: Sergeant, U.S. Marine Corps.
Race: American.
>Age: 28. Sex:
CROW: Yes.
MIKE: That was so old it's pathetic.
CROW: Oh, shut up.
>Male. Abilities: Genetic research. Current location: Nevada, United States
of America.
>Misato: Next.
MIKE: Jeez, she's just dismissing every aplicant today.
CROW: It's not one of her good days.
>Computer: Name: Esteban Garcias. Military rank: Lt. (jg), New Scotland Yard.
Race: Spanish.
>Age: 19. Sex: Male. Abilities: Program writing. Current location: New
London, England.
CROW: Great. A computer whiz with a Brittish accent.
SERVO["Q"]: Now pay attention, Mr. Ikari.
>Misato: How many are left?
>Computer: 2.
SERVO[Misato]: Well, those don't make the cut either. I'm done.
>Misato: Next one.
>Computer: Name: Paul Jargon. Military rank: None. Race: French. Age: 25.
Sex: Male.
CROW: Wait, he's not a cool teenager. He's out.
>Abilities: Hand-to-hand combat. Current location: New United Soviet Republic.
>Misato: Why is he there when he was French?
MIKE: Because he wasn't Sweedish yet.
SERVO: Oh, I see...huh?
>Computer: In the year 2008, under new democratic government, France was
invited to
>take residence in New United Soviet Republic.
CROW: The whole country?
SERVO: Well, they certainly have enough room.
>Misato: And the last one?
>Computer: Name: Li Kwon. Military rank: Ensign, Chinese Air Force. Race:
Chinese. Age: 20.
>Sex: Female. Abilities: Aircraft piloting. Current location: ICS Yang, South
China Sea.
>Misato (thinking): Looks like we found our crew.
MIKE: Oh, I see, she's trying to recast Star Trek: Voyager.
CROW: Any change would be a good one.
>
>Maya walks in drops her laptop down at a desk and leaves.
MIKE: Uh...okay.
>Misato watches.
SERVO[Misato]: What an odd person.
>
>Misato (thinking): Poor Maya. She, Hyuga and Aoba made a pretty good team
back when we were
>fighting the Angels. It was like those three could read each other's minds.
CROW: Yeah, but a couple times they didn't do a very good job helping the Eva
pilots
because of a few really nasty telepathic arguments.
>Now, Hyuga and Aoba are gone. I guess some people didn't survive this weird
>reincarnation. Let's hope these new people can do the job just as effectively
>if not more so.
>
MIKE: What an inspired yet heartless sentiment.
>Fuyutski enters.
>
>Fuyutski: It's official. The United Nations is declaring this year 0 A.T.I.
>Misato: A.T.I.?
>Fuyutski: After Third Impact.
SERVO[Fuyutski]: They're restarting the calendar just to create panic over Y2K
again.
>Misato: Swell. What now?
>Fuyutski: SEELE is trying to make accusations about the how useless NERV is.
CROW[SEELE]: You never take out the trash when mom says!
MIKE[NERV]: Yes I *do*!
CROW[SEELE]: Nuh-uh!
MIKE[NERV]: Yuh-huh!
CROW[SEELE]: Nuh-uh!
>
>Misato stares sideways at Fuyutski.
>
SERVO[Misato]: Hee hee, you're standing on the wall!
>Misato: Don't they know that NERV doesn't exist any more? NERV died with the
Third Impact.
CROW: Wait...doesn't this mean the bad guys actually won?
MIKE: Um...yeah.
CROW: Cool!
>Fuyutski: Well, perhaps we should let SEELE and the UN know that.
>
>Misato looks at Fuyutski with a questionable look.
>
>Ritsuko runs in.
>
MIKE[Ritsuko]: Oh, the horror! I just found out we're characters in a cheap
Anime fanfic!
SERVO[Gendo]: I had always known it would come to this...
>Ritsuko: Asuka's gone!
>
>Misato whips her head towards Ritsuko.
SERVO[Ritsuko]: Ow!
>
>Misato: What?
>
>Cut to Asuka's hospital room. Gendo is staring out an open window. The
window
>leads out into the bay where the Mech-EVAs are. Fuyutski and Misato run
inside.
>
>Misato: Commander, what happened?
CROW[Misato]: I know it's painfully obvious that Asuka ran away, but I need
you to
tell me!
>
>Gendo (still staring out the window): I just got here myself, Major.
>
>Ritsuko, Maya, and Shinji run in.
SERVO: ..to a black hole and are never seen again.
MIKE: In your dreams, Servo.
>
>Maya: What happened to Asuka?
>Misato: That's what I want to know.
>Gendo: Just as well. She would be of no use to us anyway.
MIKE[Gendo]: Little bitch always caught me watching porn in the command room.
>Misato (outraged): Commander, Asuka is a human being, not a weapon like the
MechEVAs.
>She just can't be shrugged off like that.
SERVO[Gendo]: Yes she can. [shrug] See?
>Gendo: In case you have forgotten, Major, Asuka tried to kill Shinji. Would
you
>rather have her here where she can accomplish her act of revenge?
ALL: Yes.
>Misato: You're treating her like she's less than human.
>Gendo: Anyone who tries to kill another human is less than human.
>Shinji: No.
CROW[Shinji]: They're just sort of semi-human.
>
>Everyone turns to look at him. Shinji has his head facing the ground.
>
>Shinji: Asuka is not less than human.
>
MIKE: Her hate is real. But she is not.
>Shinji looks up.
>
>Shinji: You are less than human. You think everybody is something you can use
>and throw away when you find no need or use for them anymore.
SERVO: Human facial tissues: Now available in a handy pocket pack.
>Even when we were fighting the Angels, you didn't care about anybody. Not the
>citizens of Tokyo 3, not Misato, not Asuka, not me, not even Rei.
>You were and still are a heartless bastaard!
>
>Gendo look at him with a look none of them have ever seen before.
MIKE: Gendo's face became an internet smiley.
CROW and SERVO: GASP!
>Before, it was just a "you stay on your side, I'll stay on mine." Look. But
now,
>it was a look of pure disgust.
MIKE: Now, it was more of a "Come get some" look.
>There was even malice in his eyes.
SERVO: Don't worry, that washes right out with cold water.
>Gendo turned away and continued staring at the window.
>
>Shinji gives him a look of defiance, which the others (except Gendo) saw and
>almost took a step back.
CROW: Oh, boy, Shinji's gonna go Super Sayjin.
>
>Shinji: Well I'm going to look for her. And to hell with you.
>
MIKE: But he was already there!
>Shinji runs out of the hospital room.
>
>Misato: Shinji, wait! Maya, we have to catch him.
>
>Misato and Maya run after him. Ritsuko and Fuyutski turn to Gendo.
>
>Ritsuko: You're not going to try to stop him, aren't you?
>Gendo (without turning): He'll be back.
>Fuyutski: And if he doesn't?
SERVO: Doesn't what?
>Gendo: He'll be back.
SERVO: ...'k.
>
>Cut to: Shinji running through the halls. He makes it to the hallway that
leads from the
>entrance of The Pocket to the elevator shaft.
MIKE: Unfortunately a giant button was fastening the Pocket closed, and escape
seemed
hopeless.
>He looks around and sees a ladder. He begins climbing up it.
>
>Shinji (thinking): Hang on, Asuka. I'm on my way.
>
>Cut to: Vice-Chancellor Mendoza's office. Two SEELE soldiers are escorting
Asuka
>inside. Asuka is wearing her plug suit.
SERVO: ...which she pulled out of a plot hole on the way there.
>Mendoza: Thank you, gentlemen. That will be all.
>
>The soldiers leave.
>
>Mendoza: Miss Soryuu, welcome to SEELE.
CROW[Mendoza]: Would you like to browse our line of posturepedic mattresses?
>Asuka: What am I doing here?
>Mendoza: We were able to rescue you from your fate.
>Asuka: Rescue? Fate?
SERVO: Able?
MIKE: From?
SERVO: Pudding?
MIKE: Chief?
CROW: McCloud?
>Mendoza: I'm surprised you didn't see it before. NERV was planning on
throwing
>you out into the street.
MIKE: "Into"?
>Asuka: What? Why?
CROW: Because you make very good roadway blacktop.
>
>Mendoza shrugs.
>
>Mendoza: Asuka... Do you mind if I call you Asuka?... NERV is afraid of a
pilot
>such as you. Because you aren't afraid to disobey orders. You're willing to
do
>what's right even though Commander Ikari may not want you to.
>Asuka: But... Shinji... Misato...
>Mendoza: Rest assured, they will soon see the truth.
MIKE[mad scientist]: Even if I have to brainwash--um...I mean...
>In the mean time, let me tell you why you're really here. SEELE needs a pilot
like
>you to help test out our latest... creation.
>
>Mendoza slides a file across his desk.
SERVO[Mendoza]: We call it... a "manilla folder."
>
>Asuka: Creation?
MIKE: Is she just going to stand there and repeat choice words back to him?
>Mendoza: You'll find the operating system is one that you're used to.
>
>Asuka opens the file. Her eyes widened.
>
>Asuka: How?
>Mendoza: SEELE and NERV were once partners, Asuka in the HIP.
CROW: Uh...the Homeless Instability Paramedics?
MIKE: The Holland International Pie?
SERVO: No, it's got to be Evangelion-themed. It's the Hopelessly Illicit
Perdition!
>Whatever files they had at the time, we also had, including the operating
systems.
MIKE: So it was a Steve Jobbs/Bill Gates relationship, then?
>
>Mendoza comes around from his desk.
>
>Mendoza: Asuka, SEELE are not the villains. We are simply a group trying to
>express our feelings and beliefs.
SERVO: ...using interperative dance.
>Unfortunately, not everybody wants to hear what we have to say.
>Asuka: NERV.
>Mendoza: Right. You're just as smart as your profile says you are.
MIKE[Mendoza]: See? Read right here... "She is just as smart as this profile
says she is."
>
>Mendoza placed both hands on Asuka's shoulders and starts rubbing them.
SERVO[Mendoza]: Ooh...you're tense.
>
>Mendoza: Asuka, I want to help you. SEELE wants to help you. But we can't
help
>you unless you want to be helped.
CROW: Hot Anime Babes Annonymous.
>You need a friend, Asuka. Let me. Let me be your friend."
>Asuka (quietly): Friend?
>Mendoza: Yes. Friend.
MIKE: And everybody breaks into a Barney-style song and dance!
>
>Asuka closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Mendoza keeps rubbing her
>shoulders for a little bit.
>
CROW: Hey...he's--
MIKE: Yes, yes, Crow. Don't talk about that.
>Asuka: Yes. Yes, I do. All right, I'll do it."
>
>Mendoza strokes Asuka's hair.
>
CROW: --! Mike, we have to stop this!
MIKE: If you don't acnowledge it, it's not happening. So just stop.
>Mendoza: Thank you, Asuka. Trust me, this will be one of the best decisions
>you'll ever make.
CROW: But Mendoza looks like he's about to--
>
>Cut to: The ruined Geo Front.
CROW: --Never mind.
>Misato and Maya, gasping, pull themselves out of the elevator shaft.
>
>Maya: Maybe we should put an elevator in or something.
MIKE: What an excellent idea.
>Misato: Oh, quit complaining. When was the last time you exercised?
>Maya: A few hours ago when we were running from SEELE soldiers.
SERVO: It's only been a few hours since that part? Feels like months!
MIKE: Yeah, it has felt like a few months since we read that first part...
[All look at You.]
MIKE: ...nah.
>Misato: Oh. Well worry about your health later. Right now, we have to find
Shinji.
>Maya: Look, there he is.
MIKE: That was fast.
>
>Maya points to the far cavern wall. Shinji is trying to climb up a pile of
rocks.
>
CROW[Shinji]: Oh, why the hell didn't I take that rock-climbing course in gym
class?
>Misato: Shinji!
>
>Misato and Maya run up and each take hold of one of Shinji's arms.
>
>Shinji: Let me go. I have to find Asuka.
>Maya: Shinji, we want to find her as much as you do. But we wouldn't know
where to look.
SERVO: Just follow the line of drooling Otakus.
>
>Shinji calms down.
>
>Shinji: Then how do we find her?
>
>Maya and Misato are quiet.
>
>Misato: Shinji, I...
MIKE[Misato]: ...stole your Backstreet Boys CD the other day, and it was
destroyed
in the armageddon. Can you forgive me?
>
>Suddenly, the rubble in front of them starts to move. A giant erupts from
>the ground. Except for the color, which was a dull gray, it was a remarkable
>resemblance to Evangelion Unit 2.
>
>Shinji: Asuka?
>
>Cut to: the cockpit of the Unit 2 replica. Asuka sits there, eyes almost like
>she was in a trance.
CROW: Look! See? I bet you anything Mendoza--
MIKE: Crow, it's best not to think of such disturbing things.
CROW: BUT THIS WHOLE DAMN SERIES WAS DISTURBING!
MIKE: Sit. Stay. Calm down.
SERVO[Mendoza]: Oh, yeah... just like that...
MIKE: SERVO! Don't start!
>
>Cut to: Outside. The Cyber Eva makes a fist and thrusts it at Shinji, Misato,
and Maya.
>
>Misato: Oh shit!
>
>Caption: To Be Continued
SERVO: Well...on that note...
CROW: Uh, yeah.
>
>Voice Cast
>Shinji Ikari Mark Hammill
MIKE: The next episode won't have him, though. He's working on Time Force now.
SERVO: And he has to be the Joker in that new Justice League show.
>Asuka Langley Soryuu Alicia Silverstone
>Misato Katsuragi Elizabeth Berkley
>Ritsuko Akagi Gates Mc Fadden
>Maya Ibuki Sarah Brown
CROW: Why even have voice credits?
SERVO: At least we don't have to hear a Japanese woman singing Frank Sinatra.
CROW: Good point.
>Kozo Fuyutski Raymond Burns
>Gendo Ikari Leonard Nimoy
>Chairman Keel Harrison Ford
SERVO[Indiana Jones]: Those Dead Sea Scrolls belong in a *meuseum*, damn it!
>Vice-Chairman Mendoza Steve Cardenas
>
MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, Misato has left the building.
[Mike and the 'Bots exit.]
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] Mike and Crow are playing Dreamcast. The Stony television is on the
counter.
MIKE: So *this* is why our author took so long to write this episdoe! This
game
is really addicting!
CROW: HAH! I'm using the ring dash to go faster than you!
MIKE: Yeah, well I know the shortcut.
SERVO[from offstage]: I'm telling you, Gypsy, you'd look a lot better in a
plug suit!
[Servo enters]
SERVO: What's happening, people?
CROW: Nothing. I'm just kicking Mike's ass in Sonic Adventure 2 race mode!
MIKE: Yeah, well we'll see who's ass gets kicked when I use...Chaos Control!
CROW: Ow! You creep!
*Mads' sign*
SERVO: Say, I wonder how Pearl is doing with her giant robotic army?
MIKE: I'm guessing by now they've gained minds of their own, have run amok,
and have become more powerful than ever before.
[Castle Forrester] Exterior shot, as before. However, Pearl is a little bit
ragged,
and assorted sounds of all-out war can be heard close by.
PEARL: MIKE! You're exactly right! Things are going crazy down here!
[The Talgeese II falls onto the castle]
PEARL: Hey! I just got that sided for the SECOND TIME! [to Cambot] You've
gotta help
me. Please!
[SOL] The Dreamcast and TV have dissappeared.
MIKE: Allright, Pearl, we'll help you out.
[CF]
PEARL: Oh, thank you, Mike! I had a feeling that you would out of the kindness
of your
own heart...
[SOL]
MIKE: ...IF...!
[CF]
PEARL: I KNEW IT! Alright, what's the catch?
[SOL]
MIKE: You have to promise that, when we get to Earth, you'll leave us the hell
alone!
CROW: Yeah! We don't want to go all the way back there just so you can trap us
in
orbit again.
SERVO: We've had it up to here watching movies and reading fanfiction for
thirteen years!
We're sick of it!
MIKE: So we'll stop your uncontrollable mechanoid terror if you agree to call
of the
experiment when we get home.
[CF] Pearl is silent for a moment. A large bomb goes off in the distance,
destroying
a Megazord.
PEARL: All right! You win. [mumbles] I'll calloftheexperimentwhenyougetback.
[SOL] Gypsy has joined the gang on the bridge, wearing Rei's plug suit.
ALL: We didn't hear you!
[CF]
PEARL: I'LL CALL OF THE EXPERIMENT WHEN YOU GET BACK!
[SOL]
ALL: HORRAY!
CROW[chanting]: No more fanfics!
SERVO[chanting]: No more spams!
MIKE[chanting]: No more mechanoid tin cans!
GYPSY: Hip! Hip! Horray!
[Everyone stops celebrating to look at Gypsy.]
MIKE: Uh...
CROW: Lookin' good, Gypsy.
SERVO: See? I *told* you!
GYPSY: You sure it doesn't make me look fat in the chest?
MIKE: I...think that's the intention...
SERVO: Uh, Mike. The, um, war thing. On Earth.
MIKE: Oh! Right...um... Hey, I know!
[Mike pulls out the Nanite scope.]
MIKE: Nanites!
[Nanite World]
NED: Yello! Long time, Nelson!
[SOL]
MIKE: We've got a situation on Earth! If we get Brain Guy to beam you over
there,
do you think you can stop those mechas?
[Nanite World]
NED: Oh. I see how it is. You don't even TALK to us for two years, then go and
ask us to travel halfway across the quadrant and stop some big brothers of
ours
from destroying your planet without so much as a "Hello! How 'ya doing?"
[SOL]
MIKE: Well...yes?
[Nanite World]
NED: Okay. I'm cool with that. [turns around] Hey, guys! Mobilize the attack
squads!
We've got some Bigs to break!
[SOL]
MIKE: -whew-
SERVO: Hey, Brain Guy, send the arsenal over there!
[CF] Observer is now beside Pearl.
OBSERVER: Certainly.
[Observer sound effect. Within seconds, all the robots in camera view fall
apart.]
PEARL: Ooh! That was *awesome*!
OBSERVER: So, once again, the day is saved. Thanks to...
PEARL: Yeah, yeah, put a lid on it, White Man Group.
OBSERVER: Yes, ma'am. Should I beam the nanites back now?
PEARL: No...not quite yet...I have an idea...
OBSERVER: Oh, no. We're not going to have one of *those* again.
PEARL: Just trust me on this one. If you'll excuse me, I need to make some
arrangements...Ha ha ha ha...BWA-HAHAHAHAHA!
[Pearl walks toward the castle gate.]
PEARL: [motioning toward the Talgeese II] Oh, and clean
that up, will you?
OBSERVER[huffing]: Yes, madam. [sigh]
[fade to black]
[Mighty Science Theater]
written by: Jim Whaley
"Neo Evangelion" written by: Stephen Frey
featuring:
Mike Nelson: Michael J. Nelson
Crow: Bill Corbett
Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy
Gypsy: Patrick Brantseg
Magic Voice: Beez McKeever
also featuring:
Pearl Forrester: Mary Jo Pehl
Observer: Bill Corbett
Professor Bobo: Kevin Murphy
and:
Ned the Nanite: Kevin Murphy
All MST3K characters and situations are trademarks of Best Brains, Inc.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only;
no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains,
Inc.
is intended or should be inferred.
No insults are intended to anyone refered to in this MiSTing.
Any alteration or reproduction of this MiSTing without permission or credit
is not appreciated. Please contact the author at the e-mail address provided
below.
based upon MST3K created by Joel Hodgson
special thanks to:
all present and former employees of Best Brains, Inc., wherever they may be
Stephen Frey
Japan
the authors of the First Amendment
and last but not least, You, the reader
This MiSTing is dedicated to anyone who loves to laugh.
e-mail tj...@aol.com for comments, etc.
c2001 by Jim Whaley
>Ritsuko: You're not going to try to stop him, aren't you?
>Gendo (without turning): He'll be back.
>Fuyutski: And if he doesn't?
a Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 production
http://wsn9.mistings.org
-----------------
Read over thirty episodes of Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000 at
http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html
501: Wheel of Something
502: Neo Evangelion part I
503: Neo Evangelion part II
504: The Cartoons Combined: The Last Episode
Most of my MiSTings can be found easily on Web Site Number Nine,
located at http://wsn9.mistings.org
Or go to my web site, The MSTerminal;
http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html
http://sft1b.mistings.org
-----------------
On the next episode of Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000:
***SERIES FINALE***
Mike and the 'Bots riff their last fanfic,
the sequel to their first fanfic...
---
>THE CARTOONS COMBINED
>The Last Episode
---
>"I want those heroes out of existence now!" demanded Magnet-o.
CROW: There's an original battle cry.
MIKE: KAAAAAAAHHHHHHHNNNNN!!! *cough* *cough* ow.
---
> "I sense evil on the beach," said Professor X-Ray.
CROW[Prof. X]: Quick, my X-Ray Men! Put on sunblock! The ultraviolet
rays are intensifying!
---
PLUS! A special short, BE ORDAINED NOW!
---
>What a special way to welcome a child of God.
MIKE: ...until he turns seventeen, rebels, and joins a pagan cult!
---
Whatever you do, don't miss the SERIES FINALE of SCIENCE FICTION THEATER
1,000,000,000!
Episode 504: "The Cartoons Combined: The Last Episode"
A Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 production.
For more details, visit http://sft1b.mistings.org
Jim W. (MiSTie #90212)
my MiSTings and fanfiction:
http://sft1b.mistings.org
---
New MiSTing: "Neo Evangelion" part 2
located at http://sft1b.mistings.org/
---
"We're surrounded!" -Aki
"No shit!" -Jane
-"Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within"