MiSTing "The Ultimate Celebrity Deathmatch" (3/3)

[Tjats]

All MST3K characters are trademarks of Best Brains, Inc.
----------------

[SOL int.] Jim is standing behind the counter with Servo.

JIM: Okay, you got it all out of your system now?
SERVO: I think so, Jim.
JIM: Good.

-Mads' sign-

JIM: Oh, the power protesters are calling.

[Jim pushes the Mads' Signal Thingy(tm, patent pending)]

[Castle Forrester] Pearl is in a sleeping bag with several comforters draped
over it. Bobo is asleep
under several dozzen bed sheets.

PEARL: Hey, Wallet, you think you got it bad watching movies? Look at us! We
haven't had power
in four hours and it's really cold this time of year!

[Bobo begins snoring. Observer enters.]

OBSERVER: Uh, madam, I checked all the fuses in the fuse box. They're all
fine and all the switches
are in the "on" position.
PEARL: Then there must be a power line down.
OBSERVER: There hasn't been any storm around here in weeks.
PEARL: Well, then... check around town and see if anyone else doensn't have
power.
OBSERVER: Uh, they don't use power anyway, Pearl.
PEARL: Then if they're so primitive why the hell can't we take them over?!?
OBSERVER: I have no clue.
PEARL[starting to sob]: Is it because we're...we're -choke- Incompitent?
OBSERVER[also holding back tears]: Well, maybe, Pearl... -sob-

[Both break down in tears]

PEARL: We're soooo pathetic!
OBSERVER: Boo hoo hoooo!

[Bobo wakes up.]

BOBO: Say, Lawgiver, why do you get all the blankets and I get only these thin
bed sheets?
PEARL[snapping out of it]: Because I'm the Lawgiver and I'll tear your short
little spine out if you
disobey me!
BOBO: Hmmm. Fair enough. [falls back to sleep]

[Pearl and Observer resume crying.]

[SOL]

JIM: Oh, you two are just stupid. There *are* ways of overcomming this.
CROW: A castle with a fuse box?

-movie sign-

JIM: Agggh! Story sign!!!!!!

6...5...4...3...2...1...

[Jim and Crow enter the theater. Servo is already sitting.]

SERVO: Crow, what's a (%#$%&?
CROW: I don't really know.

>
>
>
>Six typical teenagers are playing softball in a park on a sunny day.
>

JIM: Oh, please be the...
SERVO: Yes! I think it is!

>
>
>All: he he ha ha (having fun laughter, mind you)
>
>
>
>Suddenly...
>

JIM: Very non-descriptive.

>
>
>*Beep Beep Beep Beep Beeeep Beep*
>

JIM: I recognize that tone!
CROW: You can read it?

>
>
>Then the teenagers drop everything and suddenly retreat to a dark corner
>
>of the park,

SERVO: Impossible statement.

> elliciting weird stares from strangers.
>

CROW: Because of their two-dimensional characterization.

>
>
>Jason: Come in, Zordon.

JIM: Yes, it's the Power Rangers!
SERVO and CROW: Unicorn will eat them! Yaaaaay!

>
>
>
>

CROW: Well?

>Alpha 5: Ayi yi yi yi yi! Rangers, a big planet's heading this way!

JIM: This is Deep Impact all over again!

>
>
>
>Kimberly: Is it Lord Zedd again?
>

SERVO[as Kimberly, stupid]: Do you think that it is a totaly new bad guy
instead of the one we have been
stuck with for the last two years?

>
>
>Zordon: No, it is something we've never seen before. Use the MegaZord to
>
>stop it before it destroys the Earth!
>
>

CROW: Or they can BLAST IT!

>
>Jason: IT'S MORPHIN' TIME!
>

JIM[as Jason]: Okay, Marco, become a camel! Tobias, fly ahead and scope out
the-oh, wait, sorry.
Wrong show.

>
>
>*Then everyone except Jason shoot themselves up.*
>

SERVO: Did I just read that right?

>
>
>Jason: I said morphin, NOT MORPHINE!
>

CROW: That's actualy a good joke, Jim.
JIM: Lucky break.

>
>
>Tommy: We're typical teenagers, what did you expect?
>
>
>
>Others: Ahhhh....
>

CROW: Is this panicking, or are they high?
SERVO: I think panic is "Ahh!" while high is "Ahh...."

>
>
>Then they morph into Power Rangers and head off to the giant planet in
>
>the Voltron rip-off (aka MegaZord). The DragonZord follows, too.
>

JIM: This guy had issues with Saban, I think.
CROW: I'd rather be watching Voltron right now, though.

>
>
>Jason: ALL RIGHT YOU GUYS, LET'S GO GET 'EM!
>

SERVO: BLAST IT!

>
>
>All (flash wrists in synch): RIGHT!
>

JIM: Jazercize! One, two, one, two... flash those wrists!

>
>
>Jason: POWER SWORD!
>
>
>
>Sword appears out of thin air and pops snugly into the MegaZord's

CROW: Is this a se-

>
>peg-holed hand.

CROW: Oh, never mind.
JIM: Crow?
CROW: It's nothing. Forget it.

> Then the two robots hack and slash at the gigantic
>
>planet, but to no avail.

SERVO: Just eat 'em!

>
>
>
>Billy: It's not working!
>
>

JIM: We all know what's going to happen, so just EAT THEM!

>
>Kimberly: What do we do?
>
>

SERVO: BLAST IT!

>
>Jason: CALL THE ULTRAZORD!
>
>

CROW[as phone operator]: We're sorry, but your call cannot be completed as
dialed. Please hang up
and try again.

>
>Zack: Must you talk in all caps?
>

JIM: But then how can I tell you to BLAST IT?

>
>
>Tommy: Yeah, all that shouting in our cheap plastic helmets are giving
>
>us headaches!
>

SERVO: That attempt at humor is just a little under the "getting high thing".
CROW: I agree. But it also has the wrong form of "is" after "helmets".

>
>
>Then the two robots merge into a big lizard-type tank-thing

CROW: Jim, how come *we* can't do that?
JIM: I don't know. Ask that guy who built you, Jacob.
CROW and TOM[stubborn]: Joel.
JIM: Right.

> and fire all
>
>its guns at it, but

ALL: [in sync with the last part of the scentence, blandly] "to no avail."

> to no avail.

SERVO: I think I've heard enough of that.

>
>
>
>Unicron: *sigh* Ah, those robots fanning me

CROW: We may fan, but we don't do windows! It almost crashed my hard drive!
SERVO: Badabing!

> felt good for a while. Oh
>
>well, I guess I should get a quick Power-Bar before these gnats get
>
>annoying.
>
>
>
>Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd: YEAH! GO GET THEM! HUH?
>

SERVO: I concur with all three scentences.
JIM: Where did they come from?

>
>
>Unicron: This is what you get for talking in all caps.
>
>
>

JIM[as Unicorn]: You will be pasued for eternity!

>Both: AAAAHHHH!!!!
>

SERVO: Beautiful silky moisturizers! Ahh...

>
>
>gobble gobble gobble
>
>
>

CROW: The end.

>Unicron ate the Moon, then turns into a huge robot.
>
>
>

CROW: Please end?

>Power Rangers: Ah!
>

JIM: That feels sooo good!

>
>
>Unicron picks up the little tank, and drops it into his mouth.
>

SERVO[as Unicorn]: Mmm... good jawbreaker.

>
>gobble gobble gobble
>
>
>Unicron: Mmm...Gummy Bears.
>

SERVO: I was close.

>
>Tommy: AAAHHH!!! See what you get for talking in all caps!!! You
>bastard!!!
>

JIM: All right, Tommy! Get at 'em!

>Kyle (out of nowhere): Dude, that's my line!
>
>All: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!
>

CROW: It's that little bastard from South Park! Kill him!

>And they all fall into a pit of molten steel, where they all die (duh).
>
>Unicron turns back into a planet.
>
>Unicron: Mmm, now time for the main course.
>
>gobble gobble gobble
>
>Unicron ate Earth.
>

ALL: Horray! No more Power Rangers or Masked Rider or Big Bad Bettleborgs!

>Unicron: Mmmm, now -that- hit the spot!
>
>Unicron now settles himself into what was once Earth's orbit and
>hibernates
>for a while.
>
>-=The End=-
>

ALL: Let's go, go, go!
[All do the macarena as they walk out of the theater]

>Well, that felt better. Note the shameless plug. :p Anyone interested in
>the "Director's Cut?" E-mail me if you want it. :)
>
>-+Warp+-

1...2...3...4...5...6...

[SOL int.] Jim and Servo are behind the counter.

SERVO: Well, Jim... it seems that a great many crossovers go down in flaming
wrecks.
JIM: Yes, they certainly do.
SERVO: What would you do a Celebrity Deathmatch crossover of?
JIM: I'd probly do Sonic the Hedgehog vs. Starfox.
SERVO: I think I'd want The Simpsons vs. South Park.
CROW[os]: I'd make Voltron battle the Power Rangers. Agggck! I've got
cataracs! I can't see my back!
JIM[rolling eyes]: Crow, you're not getting old!

-Mads' sign-

JIM: Back to you, Pearl Jam!

[Castle Forrester] Pearl is in her previous sleeping bag, laying next to a
very large heater. She's
hitting it hard.

PEARL: Damn heater! Work!
BOBO[from behind heater]: Uh, Lawgiver, I found the problem.
PEARL: What is it?
BOBO: The tag here says it's solar powered.

[Pearl is very peed off. Observer enters with a letter.]

OBSERVER: Madam! I found the reason for the power failure!
PEARL: What is it?
OBSERVER: We haven't paid our energy bill!
PEARL: What?!?

[She gets up, grabs the paper and pushes it down over Observer's head. He's
now sticking out of the middle
of the paper.]

PEARL: Bobo! Give me your bed sheets!
BOBO[still behind heater]: Hey! I think I found the battery powered heating
compartment-

[We hear a flaming sound]

BOBO: Ooh! Ooh! Owie! I'm on fire!!!

[Smoke rises above the heater. Pearl takes his bed sheets and puts them on top
of her blankets,
then snuggles in.]

[love theme, we still hear Bobo yelping]

written by: Jim Whaley
"The Ultimate Celebrity Deathmatch" written by: Warp

featuring:
Jim Whaley: James A. Whaley
Crow: Bill Corbett
Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy
Gypsy: Patrick Brantseg
Magic Voice: Beez McKeever

also featuring:
Pearl Forrester: Mary Jo Phel
Observer: Bill Corbett
Professor Bobo: Kevin Murphy

All MST3K characters and situations are trademarks of Best Brains, Inc.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only;
no infringement on the original
copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be
inferred.

Warp could not be contacted for permission to do this crossover.

MST3K created by: Joel Hodgson

special thanks to:
Best Brains, Inc.
All you people who love to laugh

e-mail tj...@aol.com for comments, etc.

c1998 by Jim Whaley

[stinger]
>Megatron (needs no introduction): What else do we do? BLAST IT!

This has been a Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 production
Jim, that Mistie

"STAY!!!!!!!!!"

"She's made of iron, sir. I assure you she can. It is a mathematical
certainty." -Mr. Andrews concerning the sinking of Titanic

"There has to be a more substantial explanation than the whammy." -Agent Dana
Scully