[MSTed] 'Keiichi's Bloody Sunday' [ANIME][R][LEMON]

[Megane 6.7]

Mystery Science Theater 3001 show 104, reel 1:

"Keiichi's Bloody Sunday"
(An Ah! Megami-Sama Fanfic)

MSTed by: Scott "Zoogz" Jamison

==
Mystery Science Theater 3000, characters and situations are property
of and (c) 2001 by Best Brains, Inc. Ah! Megami-Sama is the property
of Kosuke Fujishima and all the distributors of his work.

"Keiichi's Bloody Sunday" is the property of dnab and used in lieu of
receiving a response to permission. If you are reading this, dnab, and
would want me to withdraw this work from online circulation, I shall
comply immediately. However, I prefer to think of it as some (very)
late C&C, and not to be taken offensively.

All additional references/characters/lyrics copyright of their
respective owners and creators.
==

This fic contains mature content. If you would not like to be
subjected to such things and your monitor will freeze completely and
your parents will find the words unalterably printed on it for the rest
of time... then please move on. The Internet's big, and I bet there's
more to explore!

==

-Satellite of Love-

*HONK, HONK*

"Hey Tom, how's about my pastrami and cheese for your cupcake?"

Mike was doing his best to avoid the orange barrels scattered hap-
hazardly throughout the Satellite of Love's bridge area. He spotted
the two robots, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, lounging at the side of
the console and comparing sandwiches.

"You know I hate mayonnaise on my sandwiches, Crow. No deal."

Mike rolled his eyes and looked at the robots. "Mind enlightening me
as to the situation of the SOL?"

Crow responded, "The left lane of Jeffries Tube I-87 is closed until
further notice, and construction on our visitor's booth on the side of
Queen's Transport 401 will limit traffic for the next three days."

"And this means...?" Mike left hanging in the air.

"Calm down, Nelson. It just means that you'll need to get up a half-
hour earlier for your morning commute!" Tom informed.

Mike paused for a second to look at the blinkers on top of the
barrels. "Hey guys, what happened to Joel anyway?"

"He's either negotiating our union contract for more breaktime... or
lounging in his room."

"I'll opt for the latter, Tom," Mike sighed. Abruptly, the red light
on the console started flashing. Just as quickly, the robots dropped
their lunches and tried to pick up a pair of jackhammers, but they were
only able to switch them on. The resulting racket covered up even the
piped-in honking.

"TURN THOSE OFF, GUYS! THE MADS ARE CALLING!"

"UNION CONTRACT, MIKE! WE NEED TO GET BACK TO WORK!!"

Mike threw up his hands in frustration as a sleepier-than-normal Joel
entered the bridge area. Joel surveyed the situation and activated the
commlink to the Mads.

-Deep Thirteen-

"HOW DO YOU LIKE MY NEW INVENTION, PIGS OF NEW GUINEA?" Dr. Forrester
yelled into the microphone pickup. Frank was in the background,
tinkering on a blinker for another orange barrel.

"I CAN'T EVEN HEAR HIM, CAN YOU?!"

"NO, LET ME TURN ON THE CLOSED CAPTIONING. OKAY DR. F, YOU WERE
SAYING?!"

Dr. F cleared his throat and spoke, "How do you like my latest and
greatest invention?"

"I DIDN'T KNOW SCI-FI CHANNEL HAD CLOSED CAPTIONING," Mike yelled

"IT'S JUST A FANFIC, YOU SHOULD REALLY JUST RELAX!"

The man in green let out a huge breath, and commanded himself to calm
down. After all, his evil inventions weren't supposed to get the best
of him, and frustrated people were supposed to be a good sign. "I
SAID, how do you like my new invention, roadies?"

"OH. WHAT INVENTION, DR. F?" Mike yelled

"Why, these all-new orange construction barrels! They're perfect for
keeping humanity frustrated and in their cars for eternity! Even
Presidental cavalcades and emergency vehicles will have to bow before
my superiority!"

"WHAT'S THE CATCH, DR. F? THERE'S ALREADY TONS OF THOSE THINGS ON
EARTH," Joel responded as the jackhammers proceeded in the background.

Dr. F sneered. "These little things? They're robotic! I have an
army of these orange barrels, ready to do my bidding!"

Frank stood up from his station and stretched his arms to the sky.
"Hey Allen. I'm completely tired of tweaking all of these barrel AIs.
Mind if I take a break and get some ice cream?"

All of a sudden, the SOL shuddered. Three thousand barrels, as if
they were one, all emitted a series of beeps that sounded suspiciously
like, "Ice cream?" Suddenly, the SOL lurched once more, throwing the
bots away from their jackhammers as all of the visible barrels stood
and started to walk.

"ICE CREAM. ICE CREAM."

Dr. F surveyed Deep Thirteen and saw an identical situation. The
stockpile of barrels stood and followed Frank to the kitchen,
ostensibly to partake in the same frozen treat. Dr. F hit himself in
the forehead with the palm of his hand and exclaimed, "Aw, crap...
Frank, did you install YOUR intelligence in these things?"

"I didn't have anything else to work with! And don't forget, we need
some more Rocky Road. I'm really not that crazy about this Key Lime
and Kiwi."

Dr. F reddened. And reddened further. And started looking like a
green-clad fire hydrant. "FRANK... that's MY ICE CREAM!!" He refaced
the screen to see Mike and Joel beating off a series of the barrels
with the 'bot's jackhammers. "You'd better have your invention ready
by the time I get back, Martin and Rossi!"

-Satellite of Love-

"How about we... blast the hatch? Release them into space!" Mike
yelled as the barrels advanced upon their position.

"If that's the plan, grab a bot and hold on!" Joel called back. He
reached for the closest available bot, Tom Servo, and threw him over to
Mike. After seeing him safely caught, he grabbed Crow by the orange
construction vest and reached for the blast controls.

With an audible whoosh, all of the barrels sent by Dr. F were pulled
to the vacuum of space. After the hatch was reclosed, Mike fell
directly on the floor while Joel dizzily grabbed onto the desk with one
hand.

"Remind me to disconnect my arrow signs as soon as we're done here,
okay Tom?" Crow asked.

Joel shook his head and smiled. "In the meantime fetch the
invention, Crow. And hurry."

"I'll do my best Roger Bannister impression, Joel. Whee, lookit me
go," the gold robot shot back sarcastically while he moved off of the
screen.

Dr. Forrester stepped in front of the camera again, trying to clean
up some ice cream from his forehead with a green handkerchief. Crow
arrived with a small black box topped by an antenna. "For your
listening pleasure, Marcus Welby... the Mood Radio!"

Dr. Forrester chuckled and intoned, "Another nature sounds box?
That's old news, guys."

"This is no nature sounds box, Dr. F. We took the technology behind
mood rings and adapted it to the wide world of consumer electronics!"
Mike smiled as he gave his sales pitch.

"You wear this mood ring for five minutes so that it'll display
color. The ring is connected to this unit with a bit of speaker wire.
It runs to the radio itself, which is a converted mp3 player. The
radio senses which color the ring is, and tries to respond with the
correct type of music for whatever mood you're in. We have country
music for those who are depressed, classical for impatience, rap for
neutral moods, and pop music for those who want to stay happy."

"Clayton! We're also out of Maraschino cherries!" the SOLites heard
from the audio pickup.

Dr. Forrester grimaced. "Damn that assistant of mine. We can never
have good food in this deep dark secret laboratory!" One cleared
throat later, Dr. Forrester faced the camera again. "Before you even
get the slightest idea I've forgotten about you, I'd like to introduce
you to the pain that is 'Keiichi's Bloody Sunday'. It's meant to be a
doujinshi, but I bet you'll notice that from the first few paragraphs
anyway. And don't even think of taking that radio into the theater
with you." A half-beat of silence followed... then Dr. F bellowed,
"FRANK! IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF THAT KITCHEN RIGHT NOW, THERE'LL BE NO
'GUNDAM WING' WATCHING THIS AFTERNOON!"

"No! Don't take away my Heero!"

"THEN SEND THEM THE FIC! AND QUIT WASTING THE CHOCOLATE SAUCE!"

Tom surveyed the room as much as a 'bot without eyes could. "So much
for the failure of his constructicons."

"Never underestimate the power of a good bowl of ice cream, Tom,"
Mike stated sagely.

"Wait for it..." Joel hazarded. The lights started flashing crazily
and the Satellite shuddered for the fourth time in ten minutes.

"WE HAVE FIC SIGN!" Mike called.

(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate)
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the
bottom)
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
(Door #4: it's a garage door. You have to open it manually)
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well)
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia)
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you
inside)

>"Keiichi's Bloody Sunday"

Tom: Ooh! Ooh! I get to be Bono!
Mike: But you can't carry a white flag!

> an Ah! My Goddess parody

Crow: So, is this a parody of a parody then?
Mike: Oh, great... leave it to the Mads to try to paradox us in the
first two lines.

> original creator Fujishima Kousuke
> written/hacked by dnab

Joel <announcer>: "And Dnab was hacked under the basket, the 'Zags
are in the one and one bonus."

>[Skuld approaches sleeping Keiichi with a 10 dimensional megaphone.]

Tom: Well, there's length, depth, height...
Mike: Also time...
Joel: How about sight and sound?
Tom: Six down, anyone else?
Crow: I've heard that Hostess Twinkies are the key to surviving
Armaggeddon.
Joel: That adds a whole new dimension, Crow.

>Skuld: Goood morning!!

Mike: ...VIETNAM!

>Keiichi: Wuuuaah!! Oh, Skuld, it's you. You're up early. Isn't
>today Sunday?

Crow <Skuld>: "Whatever gave you that idea?"
Joel <Keiichi>: "Well, I just saw Urd go to church, and..."
Tom: First deliciously ironic moment, brought to you by Catholicism!
For the best of two thousand years!

>Skuld: You don't remember what today is? It's a very important
>day.

Crow: Whacking Day?
Tom: Guy Fawkes Day?

>Keiichi: Eh? ..... let's see. Bell's arrival anniversary isn't
>until next month, and we just celebrated Urd's.

Joel: And would that be why Keiichi was sleeping it off?

>Birthdays....mmm... Megumi's isn't until Christmas time.....
>Zzzzzz....

Mike <Skuld>: "Silly! Don't stick your hand in the light socket!"
Tom <Keiichi>: *koff koff* "Well, how else am I supposed to wake
up?"

>Skuld: You're such a sweet person.
>[Bending down to kiss Keiichi on the lips, then suddenly looks
>upward.]

Joel <Skuld>: "Look! Up in the sky! Is it a bird?"
Tom <Keiichi>: "Is it a plane?"
Crow: No guys, false alarm... it's just a hole in the hull.
Mike & Joel: WHAT?!
Crow: Kidding, kidding! Don't jump down my throat...

>Skuld: Ah, ONe-sama!

Joel: "Massa One! Massa One! You've come back!"

>[Belldandy standing in front of the doorway. Her expression is that
>of a mixed concern, love, and a little apprehension. She holds a
>breakfast tray.]

Crow <Belldandy>: "Skuld, remember that stray cat that you've been
feeding?"
Mike <Skuld>: "Yeah... what about it?"
Crow <Belldandy>: "Well, ah... err, it died and I decided to recycle.
Hope there's no hard feelings!"
Mike <Skuld>: "Scabby! No!"

>Belldandy: Did you tell him?

Tom <Skuld>: "No, I thought you wanted to force him to play Charades."

>Skuld: Well, no... he fell back asleep.... aahh... that wasn't
>anything.... I... I'll be going to make the present for Keiichi-san.
>
>[Skuld jumps into the tea cup.]

Joel <Skuld>: "CAFFEINE! I NEED MY CAFFEINE!!"
Tom: Eh, the amazing Gonzo did it better.

>Belldandy: Keiichi-san. Why is there so few of you to go around?

Mike: Well, you're a goddess Belldandy... why don't you make more?
Joel: It's not like they can't, just attempt to count all the Urds in
"Mini-Goddess"!

>[Keiichi tosses and turns... as if he's having a bad dream.

Mike <Keiichi>: "AAAHH!! NOT THERE, URD!!"
Tom <Keiichi>: "No, I refuse to be a Sailor Starlight! You can't make me!"

>Belldandy claps her hands, and began to sing a prayer spell.]

Crow: So, roughly like a Gregorian Chant?
Mike, Joel [chanting]: Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena...

><Insert your favorite magic mombo jombo here.>

Joel: Ven-tura, ven-tura, space-a people....
Tom <Alex Karras>: "Mungo like candy!"
Crow: No, it says "mombo jombo", not "Jumbo Mungo".

>[Belldandy, exhausted from the ritual, also dozes off.]

Crow: Therefore, this shrine is beginning to resemble Jonestown the
morning after.
Tom: Dammit, the production crew rented a bulldozer and they're GOING
to use it!
Joel: <Timothy Van Patten> To her, it's some kind of ritual....

>[Urd emerges from Keiichi's computer screen.

Tom <Urd>: "Well, well... look who's been hitting the hentai sites
lately!"

>She looks around, checks to make sure Belldandy is asleep, the sneaks
>to Keiichi's bedside.

Mike <Urd>: "Quiet feet... sneaky feet... ninja feet!"
Joel: I didn't know Urd doubled as a night watchman.
Crow <Urd>: "Wake up, Keiichi! You forgot to sign in!"

>She holds a pill in her right hand, and with her left she pops
>Keiichi's jaws open.

Crow <Keiichi>: "OWWWW!! You cracked my jaw! I ain't no snake, you
know!"
Mike: Oh sheesh, I can almost picture the nurse's outfit and the large
syringe she MUST be carrying...
Tom: On loan from Washuu.

>As she is ready to put the pill in, Keiichi's eyes open.]

Joel: Gee, it's about time our star wakes up from his beauty sleep.
Tom: Most films have elaborate budgets for beautiful foreign
settings... "Sound of Music", "On Deadly Ground"... "Ace Ventura:
When Nature Calls"...
Crow: But this one's just hanging around the shrine all day!

>Urd: Woops.

Tom <Urd, singing>: "There it is! Woops, there it is!"

>Keiichi: I'm not eating anything from you. I'm not doing anything
>you say. I'm not going anywhere with you. And I'm not getting
>seduced by you. Now go away!

Mike: Keiichi made up a special "Urd Miranda Rights" card to read from
in such situations.

>Urd: And is that the right attitude to talk to a goddess?!

Crow <Keiichi>: "Oh, forgive me, your divaness. I'll just kiss your
feet and scurry off while you and Whitney read your fan mail."

>Morisato Keiichi-kun, do you know what today is?

Mike: International Cayenne Pepper day?
Tom: April 31?
Joel: The feast day of Saint Christopher?

>Keiichi: I don't know what today is! Why is everybody hiding
>something from me?!

Joel: Didn't you ever hear that gods and goddesses love playing with
their mortals, Keiichi?
Tom: Keiichi Morisato, Conspiracy Theorist.
Crow <Keiichi>: "You know who built Stonehenge! Quit holding out on
me!"

>Urd: Actually ... [Urd looks around]

Joel <Urd>: "Psst! Where's my TelePrompTer?!"
Tom: To be perfectly honest, Urd only looks round in a couple strategic
places... she's rather firm elsewhere.
Crow: Hey, you cutting in on my territory?

>... today is the day Marller plans to strike.

Tom: ...a blow for freedom!
Mike <Urd>: "The signs are made, the Teamsters riled, and she's
starting to rattle sabers over group health and dental."
Crow <Keiichi>: "She's gonna strike? Get my fire hose and break out
the riot gear!!"

>Since you're the most vulnerable target, I figure we're better off
>protecting you. Now, take this pill. It'll help you resist bad
>fortunes.

Joel <Urd>: "It'll also protect you from malignant fortune cookies and
mean-spirited tarot cards."
Crow: Hey, I betcha Hitomi Kanzaki wouldn't have minded one of those
before hitting Gaia.

>Keiichi: How come I don't believe you.

Mike: Gee, it couldn't be because of her last fifteen plans backfiring,
could it?

>Urd: Pleeeze.....

Crow <Urd>: "...DON'T squeeze the Charmin!!"
Mike: Lessee, Urd Whipple... doesn't have much of a ring to it, does
it?

>[Keiichi shakes his head.]

Joel <Keiichi>: "Nope nope nope nope nope!"
Tom: He'd make a swell maraca!

>Urd: NOW TAKE IT BEFORE I SHOVE IT DOWN!!

Tom: Trust me buddy, it's a much better alternative than her shoving
it up.

>[They look back. Belldandy is awake and is looking concerned. Skuld
>is holding a grenade.]

Crow <Skuld>: "Get me! I'm Minny May Hopkins!"
Mike <Belldandy>: "Uhh, sister... the pin belongs in the grenade."
Crow <Skuld>: "Uh-oh."

>Belldandy: Big sister. Please don't lie, especially today.
>
>Keiichi: WHAT'S GOING ON?! Will somebody tell me something?!

Tom: You know, he has a point.
All: WILL SOMEONE TELL US SOMETHING TOO?!

>...... Oh God! Is God coming today?!

Crow <Urd>: "Naw, George Burns is busy currently. He sent Bob Hope
instead."
Mike <Keiichi>: "Not Bob again! Here comes another forty-eight
straight hours of the USO tour..."

>Belldandy: Well, no.... actually .........

Mike <Skuld>: "We all chipped in for some assertiveness training,
Keiichi! What was that teacher's name again, Bell-chan?"
Joel <Belldandy>: "Let's see... the card says 'Shinji Ikari'."

>[Voice from outside.]

Joel <Tim the Enchanter>: "Get on with it!"
Mike <Man from Scene 23>: "Get on with it!"
All <as villagers>: "GET ON WITH IT!!"

>Dorm gang: MORISATO!! WE'RE HERE TO CELEBRATE YOUR BIRTHDAY!!

Tom <Tamiya>: "Break out the Sapporos and get us some beer nuts!"
Crow: NOT TO MENTION THE JOY OF SUDDEN SHOUTING!!

>[The goddesses look at Keiichi, who looks stunned.]

Mike <Keiichi>: "I've been sleeping for the last SEVEN MONTHS?! Why
the heck didn't anyone WAKE ME?!?"
Tom <Urd>: "Well, you looked so cute lying there, we just didn't have
the heart."

>Keiichi: Birthday? May 26 is my birthday! Is that all... hahaha
>ha..... !!

Crow: The poor man has finally snapped.
Tom <Ren>: "A-HAHAHAHAHA!!! You're darn tootin'!"
Mike: So what does this have to do with Urd's pill again?

>TODAY IS MY TWENTIETH BIRTHDAY!!!!! I'm a man today!!

Joel: Hey, wow, our first plot point arrived... and it was someone who
forgot the very day that he would become a man.
Mike <Keiichi>: "I'm a man! I now have the right to capitalize EVERY
WORD I SAY!! WOO-HOO!!"
Crow: <Keiichi> Bring on the booze and porn! Today I take my first
steps towards depravity!

>Keiichi - Oh damn! I was planning to take Belldandy out today.

Crow <Keiichi>: "I just got my new sniper rifle too!"

>Talk to her about our future, and maybe.... [gulp].

Tom: These "big huge plans" include hitting a Seven-Eleven for a Big
Gulp?
Mike <Belldandy>: "Here's your birthday slushie, Keiichi! And you
can choose one candy bar!"
Crow <Keiichi>: "Oh boy!"

>Now how do I get rid of these two.....?

Joel: Bring in a cameo by Garfield and have him mail 'em to Abu Dhabi?
Crow <Keiichi>: "Oh, I know. Urd, Skuld... Queen is coming back to
Japan!"
Tom <Urd>: "Oooh!! I'll get my Freddie Mercury T-shirt!"
Crow <Keiichi>: "They're playing Okinawa, heh heh..."

>[The school gang crashes into the room.]

Mike: They had a lot of courage at one hundred miles an hour...
Tom: The T-Birds learned too late that drinking and driving just
didn't mix.

>Everyone: Morisato!! Would you invite us!
>
>Keiichi: Aaahhh!!

All <gang>: "We'll take that as a yes!"

>Belldandy: [deep breath]..... E V E R Y O N E !!

Crow <Belldandy>: "TEN-HUT!! LOOK ALIVE, YOU MAGGOTS!!"
Mike: There was silence in Japan as all the elevens stood to attention
at Belldandy's command.
Tom <Belldandy>: "Glad I toked before yelling, that does wonders for my
voice!

>[The room quiets down. Everyone protecting their eardrums.]

Joel: They put all the eardrums in the middle of the room and made
sure to put Urd on duty.

>Keiichi - oh thank you Belldandy.
>
>Belldandy: I'll go make some food for the party.

Crow <Keiichi>: "Hey, Bell? Just remember not to do stuff like put
extra wax in the wax beans again, 'kay?"
Mike <Belldandy>: "In that case... how about some super-special Beef
Wellington?"
Crow <Keiichi>: "Uggh."

>Gang: Thank you very much!!
>
>[Keiichi is being carried out of the room with his quilt. His hand
>reaches out, mouth forming a silent "Help me!"]

Tom <Keiichi>: "I am Aladdin! Come, Bell-chan and ride with me on my
magic carpet!"
Joel: So his mouth is in his hand?
Crow: Eat your heart out, Vampire Hunter D.

>[Mini-Marller looks down from the overhead light.]

Tom: *The* overhead light? She can see all the way from the moon?
Mike: Tom, sheesh. I just got an image of Rita Repulsa.

>Marller: Heheheh... so they choose to ignore my ultimatum.

Crow <Marller>: "I brought in the big guns for this one... the U.A.W.
AND James Hoffa!"
Joel <Marller>: "Very well then! Tomorrow... I start with the shaving
cream under the door and after that... the soaping of the windows!
Heheheh..."

>[Belldandy prepares her specialities in the kitchen, when suddenly she
>turns around.]
>
>Belldandy: Marller! I can feel you. Come out!
>
>[Marller jumps down from the ceiling, grabs Belldandy by her bosoms.]

Crow: [laughing] Oh, Belldandy can *definitely* feel her now.
Tom <Belldandy>: "When I said 'come out', I didn't mean from the
closet!"

>Marller: Long time no see, Bellu-chan.
>
>[Belldandy tries a spell to break free, but seems to have no effect.]

Joel: Unless the spell's named "elbow to the head", I can't imagine it
having much success.

>Belldandy - Why?
>
>Marller: You don't remember what today is? It's a very special day.

Crow <Belldandy>: "The thirteenth day of Christmas?"
Tom <Belldandy>: "Thomas Crapper day?"

>[Still touching Belldandy at the ikenai places.]

Mike <Belldandy>: "Marller's touching me again!"
Tom <deep bass voice>: "IN THAT CASE, PUT A LINE OF TAPE DOWN THE
CENTER OF THE WORLD. AND DON'T CROSS THAT LINE!!"
Crow: Ikenai? Oh well, it beats seeing 'Ranma no baka!' and 'Kawaikune
tomboy!' at least....

>Belldandy: [Ah!..] Today's.... [hump] Keiichi-san's birthday [aaah...
>Ah!]

Crow: What are they doing?
Joel: Telling secrets.
Crow: By humping?
Joel: Uh, it's body language! We just can't see it cause it's text!
Tom: Wait, this isn't hump day! It's Sunday! Get it right!

>Marller: Heh heh heh. Has it been that long, or have you been too
>busy to look up lately?

Tom: It must be the number of people constantly groping her.

>A thousand and twenty three cycles completed, and tonight the Swing of
>Misfortune will reach it's apex.

Mike <Marller>: "The Slide of Agony has been all greased up, and the
Monkey Bars of Intrigue have a fresh coat of paint too!"
Tom: Proving once again that fate just plays around with its victims.

>Remember what happened sixty-nine years ago?

Joel: From now? Lessee, the Yankees won the World Series...
Crow: There was a scandal in the White House!
Tom: I seem to remember hurricanes that year.
Mike [singing]: o/~ Sixty-nine years ago... was a very good year. It
was a very good year..."
Crow: Can it, Ol' Green Eyes.

>Belldandy: [Ah...] ... no.... can't be
>
>Marller: That's right, today is my birthday too.... and I'm
>unwrapping my present, NOW.

Crow: That's strange. The BD/SM manual usually advocates putting tape
on rather than taking it off.
Mike: Anyone willing to ask Marller how many birthday spankings she
gets this year?
Tom: <Marller> Funny, I thought you'd be screaming your head off by
now. You sure you have no problem with me using you like this? Hmm,
nope, guess not.

>[Belldandy - Aaaaaaah......... Scene white out.]

Joel: Hey, how come we didn't think to do that?
Tom <narrator>: "Suddenly, a freak blizzard struck inside the shrine's
kitchen..."
Mike <narrator>: "Make sure you exercise caution around the freezer,
icy conditions have sprung up there."

>[Marller lying on the kitchen floor, undressed and smoking a long
>cigarette holder.

Crow: Huh. I wonder if she's smoking a Marller-boro.
Tom: A-heh.

>Belldandy is next to her, clinging to her dress and sobbing.]

Crow <Belldandy>: "You ripped it!"
Mike <Belldandy>: "Eww, it's a dark blue dress and now it has all these
stains all over it..."

>Marller: Aw shut up! I'm sure it's as good for you as it's for me.

Joel <Marller>: "Admit it! It's the best buzz you've had in a long
time too!"

>Belldandy: ...[snif]...Keiichi-san....

Tom <Belldandy>: "Eww, I can smell him from here! He didn't shower
this morning!
Crow: That's a start... how 'bout a little LOUDER now?
Joel: Not to mention sooner.
Mike: She must have lost her voice with that shout earlier.

>[Marller get's up. Her cloths magically refabricating around her
>body.]

Crow: Hey, check it out! She's the cop!
Mike: Naw, she looks more like the construction worker.
Joel: Ha! She's clearly the policeman!

>Marller: Well, sorry to do this after so much fun, but a demon's
>gotta do what a demon's gotta do. Bell-chan, it's been nice knowing
>you.

Mike <Belldandy>: "Call me? Please?"

>[Marller chants a rather powerful spell.]

Mike, Joel [chanting]: "We...will...we...will...rock...you..."
Tom <Belldandy>: "Oh no! It's that old black magic that's got me in
it's spell, that old black magic that she weaves so well!"

>[Out from the boiling broth comes Skuld, holding her new creation that
>looks suspiciously like an oversize hair dryer.]

Tom <Skuld>: "Hey sis, I came up with a new invention! It's an
industrial-grade hair dryer... so that you can get all of even YOUR
hair dry! Down to your toes!"

>Skuld: Stop, you..ouch..demon, you...wuuh...monster, you ....
>yeek.... fiend.

Joel: Acting consultant: William Shatner.
Mike: They actually yanked him away from himself on those "Priceline"
ads?

>Or in the name of my...ouch, ouch, hot, ouch....

Crow: Oh wow, she knows the original Sailor Moon speech!

>Handy-Dandy Demon Pacifier I'll .... ouch.... send you back to hell.

Joel: Hey, she treaded on the Mads' copyright!
Tom: Naw man, that was the Alien Teething Nook.
Joel: Oh, yeah...
Mike <Skuld>: "And if that doesn't stop you, I'll use the matching
Handy-Dandy Demon Binky!"

>Belldandy: Skuld, watch out! She's too powerful now!
>
>Marller: Go ahead, shorty. Perm my hair!

Crow <Marller>: "C'mon, tease it a bit!"
Tom <Skuld>: "Okay, you wanted it and you're gonna get it! AFRO
BLAST!!"

>Skuld: SWITCH ON!

Mike <Robin>: "Atomic batteries to power... turbines to speed..."
Tom <Batman>: "Roger. Ready to move out."

>[Skuld's toy blows a puff of hot air which, if anything, curls up an
>afro for Marller.]

All: [sweatdrops]
Joel: Well, honestly, you need a bottle of "Jheri Curl" for that
anyway... right?

>Marller: Hah! Doesn't even sting.

Crow: Maybe they should call in the Police then.
Joel: [groans]

>Skuld: You just wait!!

Tom <Skuld>: "I'm gonna fix you up good, you'll find out! And then
I'll get my big sister on ya! Yeah!"
Joel: Speaking of which... where is Urd anyway? Did she decide to give
advice to the lovelorn among the Dorm Gang?
Crow: Either that or working the phone lines on her own special Psychic
Friends network.

>[First spoons, and then forks, chopsticks, pans, pots, and the rest of
>the kitchen utensils converges to Marller.]

Mike: Hey, we just ran into an episode of "Iron Chef"!
Joel: This week in the Kitchen Stadium... Skuld versus Marller!

>Marller: What the...!!

Tom <Marller>: "You left my cake... out in the RAIN?!"

>Skuld: Ha! My beautiful HD^2P is a Localized Satanity Regradient
>Transformer, one which converts negative aura into sign consistent
>space-time gradient, causing objects to freefall geodesically. And
>when the collapsing mass reaching critical ......

Joel: Freefall 'geodesically'? As in, they make a dome much like the
Epcot Center's?
Mike: The author took technobabble lessons from the writers of "Star
Trek: The Next Generation."
Tom: Really? My bet was Ratliff.

>[Before the author runs out of imagination, Marller uses her spell to
>break free.]

Crow: Warning Joel Robinson! Third wall integrity approaching zero
percent!
Tom: Since when did goddesses need spells anyway? Shouldn't they be
able to WILL things into existence?
Joel: Only if there's a way.

>[Bang!]

Mike: Oh wow, there's some blame to be had around here somewhere...
Tom: Well, I blame Michael Stipe.
Crow: And I accuse my parents!

>Marller - never thought I have to use that dangerous spell.
>
>Marller: That was a good shot, shorty. Now it's my turn!!

All [singing]: To everything, turn turn turn... there is a season, turn
turn turn...

>[Urd slams the door open. She has wine and kitchen utensils attached
>to her body.]

Mike: Urd IS Betty Crocker!
Tom: Urd's BACK, and this time she's COOKIN' WITH STEAM HEAT!!
Joel <Urd>: "Pasta la vista, baby."

>Urd: I told you not to build anymore of these dangerous toys!!

Tom <Urd>: "Look what happens when Skating Barbie skates through a
slick of gasoline! Poof! And don't get me started on those baby
walkers you designed!"
Joel: Meanwhile, Belldandy continued to sob and clutch her dress,
ignored by everyone in the room....

>Marller: This is great! Three mice in one trap. Now I can finish
>you all off at once!

Crow: Hey! Put a moustache on her and she's Snidely Whiplash!

>[Urd whips out a boombox from behind her back, still ignoring
>Marller.]

Mike <Urd>: "I'm going to be on Yo! MTV Raps! in a matter of days, I
gotta practice! Hey Skuld, do I have enough gold around my neck?"
Crow <Skuld>: "Ahh... I'm just a bit BUSY right now!!"
Mike <Urd>: "Sheesh, homey, I dig your jones! Hey, I've got the lingo
down!"

>Urd: As you get older, you'll learn how to solve problems with
>elegant solutions.

Joel: When did Urd become the spokeswoman for Sharp Electronics?

>[Urd press play on the boombox.]
>
>Marller: Hah! Your music can't make me dance now....

Mike <Urd>: "Damn! I left my Philip Glass CD in here!"
Tom <Urd>: "Oh... oh yeah? Well I'll just get my Don Henley music!
All YOU'LL want to do is dance after that!"

>[.... as Marller taps her feet and snaps her finger.]

Crow <Marller>: "Look, I ordered a chicken salad sandwich thirty
minutes ago! Come on, I'm hungry!"
Mike: <Marller, singing> Dude Love... Dude Love....

>Marller: New Order!? Now that's a cheap shot, Urd! You'll pay for
>this!!
>
>[Marller blasts off, followed by a trail of utensils.]

Tom: It looks like Team Marller is blasting off again.
Crow: Where's Roger Wilco when you need him?

>Skuld: Big sister. What does Marller mean by the Pendulum of
>Misfortune?

Mike <Urd>: "Oh, it was some gameshow that she tried producing for a
year or so. I heard it flopped horribly."

>Urd: Yeah, I've heard about the cycles thing too. (Although I never
>paid attention to it. Only Belldandy goes to all the classes.)

Tom <Urd>: "After all, what am I going to do with a refrigeration
repairman's certificate?"
Crow: I've always considered Urd to be of good breeding....
Joel: Down, boy. Heel.

>Belldandy: Well, it's like this..... HEY! WHY DIDN'T YOU TWO DO
>SOMETHING WHEN MARLLER WAS HAVING HER WAYS WITH ME!?

Crow <Urd>: "Uhh, we were filming it for future release in the States?"
Joel <Skuld>: "We were walking, breathing, looking, digesting, moving,
and hearing! What more do you expect?!"
Mike: <Urd> Sorry, sis. The author paid us to look the other way.

>Urd, Skuld: Because I thought you were in no immediate danger.

Joel <Urd>: "I mean, I didn't see a meteor falling or you ingesting
any Nutrasweet...."
Tom: It's the two-headed Goddess! AAHHHH!!

>[Flashback - Skuld listened in her Wall's Ear with a headset, while
>furiously working on the converted hair dryer. Skuld: What is
>Marller doing to my sister?]

Crow: Rearranging the kitchen!
Tom: Full-contact brownie baking!
Joel: Sounded more like second base to me...
Mike <Urd>: "Who cares? Just give me back my hair dryer! I'm clumping
here!"

>[Flashback - Urd was in a room full of drunken people, including
>Keiichi.

Crow: <Keiichi>: "Shay, ERRRRRD... *hic*... dish I evvvvver telly ya
you luk HHHHHOT ina bikikini thingy? *hic*"

>She stuck her head into the living room TV set, saying "Iiiizo, iiiizo
>(that's good, that's good)".

Tom: Kono sakusha wa SOL-tachi ga bakayaro da to omotteiru!
[Other three sweatdrop]
Mike: Mind shutting off his Japanese subroutine?
Joel: I make no guarantees.

>One guy on the floor said, "Hey, how do you do that?"] (So what
>their kitchen has TV too?)

Mike: And it worked well until Urd used the mini-satellite dish as a
salsa bowl.
Crow: It's just as well, Keiichi was mistaking the television for the
microwave.

>Belldandy: [sigh...] The Universe as we know it is filled with cases
>of dualism.

Mike: Parallel Trouble Adventure Dualism?
Joel: Double standards, even...
Tom: Glad to know the universe tolerates people like Pat Buchanan and
Jesse Jackson.

>We have good and evil, love and hate, positive and negative matter.

Tom <Belldandy>: "Kami-Sama should've made one more pass with the
dice... the universe might've been a whole different place... a
pox on you, Gamblers Anonymous!
Crow: Strictly speaking, isn't that "matter and antimatter"?
Mike <Belldandy>: "Would you like to hear more about that love and
hate thing? I penned a protest song in my hippie days..."

>[Urd: What matter? Skuld: Does it matter? You think a physicist
>wrote this?]

Crow: I'm willing to bet Fujishima Kousuke had little to do with it
too.
Tom: Naw, their brains would've fried on the "magic chanting" from
before.
Mike <Spock>: "Highly illogical, Jim."

>Belldandy: As for people, we have the fortunate, and then we have the
>unlucky ones.

Joel: The people reading this fic?
Tom: Darwin was predicting something like this too... it was his axiom,
"Survival of the Luckiest".

>The lucky ones don't always have good fortunes, nor do the unlucky
>people never get a break.

Tom: Yeah, those fortune cookies can be a bitch sometimes, eh?
Joel & Mike: WE NEED COFFEE! WE NEED COFFEE!
Crow: Aww, man! They've been like that ever since we took their breaks
away!

>Their lives are dictated by the cycles of their fortune stars, which
>determine the swing of the Pendulum of Fate.

Crow: ...in the Grandfather Clock of Time, right?
Tom: Uhh... sure, that's it.
Mike <Gorilla Monsoon>: "The pendulum has swung in this fic!"

>[Urd: Oh my head hurts. Skuld: Then don't drink and think!]

Joel: Drinking is like a quarter on the tracks of your train of
thought. This message brought to you by the Water Council!
Mike: The Water Council! It's not just for showers anymore!

>Belldandy: Fortune stars are binary stars, where one gives blessings
>while it's twin administers mishaps. The number of fortune stars
>eclipsing it's counterpart determines the position of the Pendulum.

Tom <Belldandy>: "It's just a simple formula! Start with the date in
standard DDMMYY format, take its square root, divide by the hour of
the day and the number of cherry trees in full blossom, subtract the
number of molecules in my butt..."
Crow: Why do I get the feeling this author is a frequent caller to the
Psychic Friends Network?

>Sixty-nine years ago a hundred and twenty-eight misfortune stars
>aligned,

Mike: And they all gathered over the house of one Ataru Moroboshi.
Joel <Cherry>: "It is fate."

>and that event triggered the birth of Marller. The next Pendulum
>swing would align 1,024 misfortune stars, making tonight the most
>perilous one for us in the past 50,000 years.

Crow <Urd>: And?
Tom <Belldandy>: I'm just trying to say RUN FOR THE HILLS!!
Joel: Yeah, I'll have a fanfic with a math chaser, please?

>[Urd: Why do I have a feeling things will get worse before they get
>better?]

Mike: Urd, Goddess of the Obvious.
Tom: Divine intuition?
Joel: Literally!

>Belldandy: Fortunately, if Marller is using the occasion to become
>the heir of Darkness, she still lacks one key element.....

Tom <Belldandy>: "A pile of osmium."
Crow <Marller>: "'Tis the season to be EEEVIL!!"

>[Skuld: Oh oh, now I have the same feeling too.]

Joel <Urd>: "It's like someone punched you in the gut while you were
eating Mexican food, isn't it?"
Mike <Skuld>: "Yeah! That food that Tamiya brought for the party
must've been tainted!"
Crow <Urd>: "Geez, talk about a pair of pessimists! Cheer up and love
life, guys!"

>Belldandy: ..... before the full moon reaches heaven's apex tonight
>and completes the final cycle, Marller must present Darkness a
>sacrifice. Someone who is like her, but opposite.

Joel: Postulate of Darkness #1 - Opposite vertical angles are congruent
and proportional.
Tom <Urd>: "Well, that eliminates me. Good luck, Bell-chan! I'll be
at the beach soaking rays and longing stares! See ya!"

>Someone who epitomizes virtue and good fortune.

Tom: Rich and pretty. Check.
Mike <Belldandy>: "They also must be based upon the very model of a
modern major-general."

>Someone who will give her the final thrust of power to break her
>power barrier.

Joel: She needs... Sailor Jupiter!
Crow: Well, as long as it doesn't overload her power grid...
Mike <Skuld>: "But where can she possibly find someone with the pelvis
to perform such an impossible feat?

>Urd: Hmm.... that means someone will have to be a guy, and a virtuous
>guy at that.

Crow: She's gonna do it with the Pope?
Tom: Wonder if he'll take his hat off for *this*.

>Skuld: Let me see ... [whips out her pocket holy-calculator] .... the
>last time within 200 years when 128 positive aligns occured was May
>26, 1972. Hmm......

Crow: And yet, Richard Nixon was still in office.
Tom: Well, it wasn't quite enough... they needed 134.
Joel: No wonder everybody was looking for a good time back then.

>Urd: Ha!! In this town?! There is no way Marller can find someone
>this qualified before mid-night.

Mike <Skuld>: "Oh no!"
Joel <Urd>: "What is it, Skuld?"
Mike <Skuld>: "Marller placed ads in the Tokyo Times!"
Joel <Urd>: "Damn that Marller! Always one step ahead of us!"

>Urd, Skuld: Ah Ha ha ha ha ha ........ eeh?

Tom: Hey, check it out! Ah Megami-Sama, live from Winnipeg!
Mike, Crow <Urd & Skuld>: "That Sinbad! He gets us every time!"

>Belldandy: TAI HEN!! (Oh no!!)

Crow: Tai rooster!! (Oh yes!!)
Mike: Tal Bachman!! (Oh stop!!)

>End Part A

Mike <dry tone>: "Now take the amount you have from section 82f and add
that to the total from part A. Then divide it by the day of the week
and the color socks you're wearing, add that to Elly Mae, and write on
line 109g. This is the total of your deductions."
Tom: I don't think I can take twenty-five more letters of this.

>(P.S. Just for the record, 5/26/92 was not a Sunday.)

Joel: It was actually a... <singing> Tuessssssday
Affffffternoooooooon....
Tom: And for the compact disc, it was moved to Thursday!
Crow: Brought to you by the Unnecessary Nitpickers Society.

>-----

Joel: Hey guys, check it out. It's the Maginot line.
Crow: Anyone for Hangman?

>[Meanwhile, back in the party room.]

Tom: ...no one could get Teddy Kennedy away from the keg!
Crow <T. Kennedy>: "Biparthishan thish!"

>Keiichi: No more... I can't drink anymore.
>
>Sayoko: Oh comon. One more can't hurt. Look, I'll drink with you.
>Cheers!

All: Norm!
Crow <Woody Harrelson>: "How life going for you, Mr. Peterson?"
Mike <George Wendt>: "For all I care Woody, it can stop as long as
you keep handing me beers."

>Sayoko - Heh heh, with the sisters gone and everyone else out cold,
>this could be my perfect chance.

Tom <singing>: Catholic school drop-out...
Crow <Sayoko>: "I'll... SPIKE THE BEER! Hahaha! They'll never see it
coming!"

>[Sayoko pulls her blouse below her shoulder.]

Joel: Pausing to first rid herself of her shoulderpads.

>Sayoko: Keiichi, do you think I'm attractive?

Mike <Keiichi>: "At least, you're USDA approved."
Crow: Hey, I thought *everyone* was out cold.

>[Everyone on the floor: S U R E !]

Mike: Society for Unstable Riffers Everywhere?
Tom: We're card-carrying members!
Crow: HEY! It just said that everyone was out cold! Can we trust
you, fanfic?
Joel: Raise your hand... if you need deodorant.

>Sayoko: Hmm.... this is not a good place.

Joel: No, it's your *secret place*!
Tom <singing> There's a secret place, I like to go...

>[Sayoko drags Keiichi out of the room.]

Mike <Sayoko>: "It's closing time, son. You don't have to go home but
you can't stay here."
Tom <Keiichi>: "But thish ish my 'ome!"
Mike <Sayoko>: "In that case, isn't it about time to admit you have a
drinking problem?"

>Sayoko: Get out... beat it... let go of his legs..... out of
>my way!!

Crow <Sayoko> Don't make me find my billy club!
Joel: Just another day on the Tokyo subways...
Mike: Either that or any U.S. movie theater.

>[Silence falls upon the room.]
>
>[The sisters crash into the party room.]

Tom: Or silence crashes upon the room and the sisters fall in. Your
choice.
Mike <Sayoko>: "They're here! And they've come to take me back to the
convent!"

>Belldandy: Is Keiichi-san here?!

Crow <nasally>: "The Keiichi that you have requested has been
temporarily abducted. Sorry for the inconvenience."

>[Urd overturns a few faces on the floor.]

Joel: She has a future in Beverly Hills.

>Urd: Nope.
>
>[Belldandy is ready to burst into tears.]

Tom <Urd>: "Aww crap, she's about to blow... Skuld, what are you... PUT
THE ONION DOWN! NOW!!"
Crow <Urd>: "She's leaking... what did that little Dutch boy do in this
same situation? Oh yeah! Stick your finger in the leak!"

>Belldandy: Has anyone seen Keiichi-san?!
>
>Tamiya: ... the witch (furigana - Sayoko) took Morisato that way.

Joel: Hoo boy... floating subtitles.
Mike: By the way it looks, Animeigo still has the rights.

>[Points to the door.]

Crow: It knocked the window down twice this round, and the window was
penalized for a low blow.

>[Belldandy - Oh spirits of the earth and the air, lend me your power
>and be the wind beneath my wings.]

Joel: Okay, I call preemptive "no Bette Midler" here.
Tom: Jo-el! No fair!
Mike: What's going on here anyway? She's a goddess! She doesn't need
*spirits* to help her out!
Crow: Maybe she went Wiccan?

>[Belldandy flys straight off to the pointed direction.]

Tom: Guess it's better than floating like a knuckleball.

>Skuld: I'll go build the Super Duper Keiichi Detector right now.

Crow: She will tag the wild Keiichi and rerelease him into the wilds
of Tokyo to study migration patterns.

>Urd: Then I'll channel hop and see what I can find.
>
>[Urd flys into the TV set, and Skuld splashes into a half full beer
>mug.]

Joel: Television and beer... the two best responses to ANY problem.
Mike: Unless your goal is to write MSTs.
Joel: Heh heh, oh yeah.

>[Silence falls upon the room once more.]
>
>[Next panel, same scene. The gang on the floor gives a unison
>"N e a t T r i c k".]

Tom: Two concerts only! Neat Trick! With special guest Mr. Blister!
Live at the Staples Center!
Crow: Umm... are they spelling out both words? What's with the spaces?

>[Sayoko closes sliding door behind her. Keiichi is out of view.]
>
>Sayoko: (looking seductively) No one will bother us here. Let's
>drink some more.

Joel <Keiichi>: "You do that. I prefer Asahi beer though."

>Sayoko: (holding half full glass)

Tom: I call that it's half-empty!
Mike: She must've slugged that glass of more rather quickly, I didn't
even see her pour anything!

>My mother... told me... never drink.... with another man.... alone

Crow <Sayoko>: "She always had the weirdest stories about this fella
named Dean Martin..."
Mike: Huh. I would've thought Andy Capp myself.
Joel: Always better than Andy Gibb.

>Sayoko: (sits down, eyes half closed. we now see back of Keiichi's
>head) Because all he'll think about.... is popping my cherry. Isn't
>that.... right?!

Joel: Hey guys, check it out... she's a Cherry Pop Tart!
Tom: It's certainly more traditional than popping her Crunchberry.

>[View of Keiichi now. Tied and mouth gagged. His big, wide, moist
>eyes has the look that begs for life.]

Crow: He's an anti-abortion activist?
Mike <Keiichi>: "I'm not the type for hardcore, this isn't doing
anything for my libido."

>Sayoko: (picks up Keiichi by the shirt, smirking triumphantly) I bet
>you're burning to ravage my virgin, defenseless body right now......

Joel: And if he does, he'll be burning by Belldandy's hand.
Crow: Surprised she had the willpower to stay celibate for so long.

>[Some times later, in the yard, Skuld is seen banging on a hacked up
>Gameboy.]

Tom <Skuld>: "Dammit! I should've captured that Electrabuzz! Why
didn't my Ultraball work?!"

>Skuld: This can't be right!! The reading still comes from Keiichi's
>bedroom. I must adjust the parameters so my SDKD won't pick up his
>belongings!

Crow: Sickening Donkey Kong Device?
Tom: Nope, that's a Nintendo.

>Urd [within the Gameboy display]: Have you checked in his room?
>
>Skuld: ...... no, that's stupid.

Mike: Is it possible for you three to refrain here?
Tom, Crow, Joel [singing]: "Na na na na... na na na na... hey hey
hey... plot go bye-bye."
Mike: *sigh*

>[Both of them turn facing the readers, looking suspecious.]

Joel: Don't worry, we're even more skeptical.
Mike: Hey! You have a story to complete! Entertain us, dammit! Don't
stare dumbly into the camera!

>[Urd and Skuld run towards Keiichi's bedroom. An exhausted looking
>Belldandy stands hesitantly outside.]

Tom <Belldandy>: "I really must stop running Keiichi's motorcycles in
the garage with all the doors closed."
Joel: If only Monty Hall was here... he'd open Door #1 for sure!

>Belldandy: I can sense Keiichi's distress inside, but I have a
>ominous feeling about entering.
>
>Urd: No point wishie-washing!! We're saving him from that.....

Crow: Ha. Keiichi's got more than enough wishy-washy himself. He
doesn't need any more.
Tom: With all these women, do you get the feeling that this could be
a Tenchi Muyo fic?

>[View from within, Urd bangs down the bedroom door, shouting
>"WENCH!!", followed by an anxious Bell and a curious Skuld.]

Mike <Urd>: "No, just the wench. Shrimp, you wait outside."
Joel <Urd>: "Piers... scewdriver... cisel..."
Crow: Expression art, by the Goddess of Love.

>[Naked Sayoko is seen 'squatting' on top of half naked Keiichi, while
>her hands are on her breast and between her legs,

Joel: I heard that poison ivy was making the rounds, but this is
ridiculous!
Mike: Huh. I would have figured her hands would be at the end of both
her arms.

>and her head turned back with the look of surprise. Keiichi, still
>in bondage, is also bulging his eyes, more from pain than shock.
>(Imagine some blood there too.)]

Tom: Eww, Sayoko's menstruating all over Keiichi!
Crow: Mental image that was NOT needed.
Joel: In that case, it was her cherry filling.
Crow: You're not making this any easier, Robinson.

>[Full page. The surprised goddesses can't keep their mouths closed.
>Urd tries to cover Belldandy and Skuld's eyes. Belldandy tries to
>cover Skuld's eyes and her mouth. Skuld tries to cover Belldandy's
>and her own eyes.]

Joel: Sooo, who's not seeing, hearing or speaking evil here?
Mike: Oh, just get a blanket and be done with it!

>[Next page, panting Keiichi is being comforted by Belldandy.

Tom: Look, he's already spent... wait ten minutes, and you'll get more
of a rise out of 'im.
Crow <Belldandy>: "There you go, that's a good boy! You're going to
get a doggie treat! Yes you are! Oh yes you are!"

>At one corner Urd is roughing Sayoko up.
>Urd: You evil, selfish little slut!!

Crow <Sayoko>: "Look, before you end up saying something that
offends me...."
Mike <Sayoko>: "H-hey! Quit rubbing that sandpaper all over my face!
Ouch!"

>Sayoko: It's your fault that I had chitsukeilen (the spasm)!!
>Skuld: Urd you shouldn't pull so hard.]

Joel <Sayoko>: *sniff* "Sorry, I hab a code."

>(note: CHITSUKEILEN roughly translates to vaginal spasm, but I'm sure
>there's a proper medical term for that in English.

Crow: Uh, how about *orgasm*?
Tom: That'd make for an interesting lemon scene. Oh! I'm
Chitsukeilen! I'm CHITSUKEEEEEILENNNNNNN!!!
Mike: Actually, it sounds like the author's referring to a female
ejaculation.
Crow: Thank you, Mr. Hentai.

>If caught in a courtship situation, it can be rather uncomfortable,
>if not embarrassing.

Tom: Dad, stop! It was an accident! Brad didn't mean to stick his
tongue in my mouth! Really!
Joel: Not to mention a wedding...

>Fortunately it occurs more often in manga than in real life.)

Crow: As do ink smudges.
Mike: That would explain this fic.

>Belldandy: Keiichi-san. It's not like you to take advantage of
>drunken girls.

Joel <Belldandy>: "I always thought you got them stoned first."
Tom: In this case, it's the reverse!
Crow: What, Belldandy takes advantage of drunken girls?

>Keiichi: ME?! Took advantage?! She stole my virginity!!

Tom <Keiichi>: "And she pawned it off for $4.25! Man, am I steamed!"

>[Sayoko: I almost got him off! Urd: You almost got HIS off!
>Skuld: Sounded like champaign.]

Mike: Vintage champagne from the You Almost Got His Off Vinyards,
fermented in the heart of France and fine-aged for three days...
Crow <Urd>: "Don't you have bugs to squash somewhere?"

>Belldandy: Anyway, thank goodness you're allright. Worse things
>could have happened.

Tom <Belldandy>: "The planet Neptune could have fallen on your head!"

>Keiichi [smiling a bit]: Don't worry. My day can't get any worse
>than this.

Crow <Skuld>: "Hey Bell, didn't you tell him about Mommy?"
Tom <Belldandy>: "Oh, yeah. Keiichi, my mother Endora's coming for a
few days, I hope you don't mind."

>Voice: That's right, Morisato Keiichi! Your day will only get
>better.

Joel <Rod Roddy>: "...cause you're the next contestant on the PRICE
IS RIGHT!!!"
Tom <Keiichi>: "No, no, a THOUSAND times NO, Rod Roddy! Take your
shiny pink suited ass OFF my temple lawn, thank you!"

>[In a flash, the goddesses are blasted away from Keiichi, as he gets
>sucked into a ball of darkness. Keiichi: Not again!!!]

Mike <Keiichi>: "Tuesday's ball of darkness was full of pain and
regret... man, if it's Thursday's ball of darkness though, I received
a color television and a new pair of sneakers!"
Tom: Must be one of those new Canon digital cameras.

>Urd: Lightening Summon!!
>
>Skuld: Take gernade!!

Mike: Hope they're able to get their attacks off correctly.
Tom <Urd>: "Hey Ramuh! Get your fat, lazy, grey butt over here NOW!"
Crow <Urd>: "Oh wise and powerful spirit of Jenny Craig, grant upon
me the awesome power of weight loss!"

>[Only a few sparks fly and the grenades fall dud.

Crow: It's no wonder. I bet "Lightning Summon" and "Take Grenade"
would've been more effective.
Tom <Urd>: "Damn, knew I should've scuffled my feet on the carpet
longer."
Joel: Grenades fall dud, go bom.
Mike: Okay, who called a game of Ring around the Rosey?!?

>Urd's eyes and mouth wide open in disbelief, whereas Skuld falls
>to her knees in tears.

Crow <Urd>: "G-gladiator... the Academy voted for GLADIATOR?!?
WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?"
Joel <Skuld>: "The grammar... I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT!!"
Tom: This is almost like reading a legal brief.

>Skuld: My babies...]

Tom <Skuld, singing>: "They left me... never said a word... was it
something I done?"
Joel: Heh, okay Elvis.

>Marller: You are already no match for my strength, but I'll let
>you say your prayers til midnight, when I'll crush you like ants.
>AHAAHAHA!!

Crow <Skuld>: "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul
to keep..."
Mike <Urd>: "Stop that!"
Joel <Keiichi>: "I thought you preferred magnifying glasses for ants,
Marller."
Tom <Marller>: "AHAAHAA *cough cough* Sorry, had some hair stuck in
my throat."

>[Marller's jump into the black hole as well.]

Mike <Marller, singing>: "Jump in the line, rock your body in time!"
Crow <Skuld>: "Say hello to Vincent and Maximillian for us!"

>[Belldandy awakes seeing Urd, surrounded by jars and bottles,

Joel <Belldandy>: "Sister! You've started recycling! I'm so proud
of you!"

>and Skuld, putting the finishing touch on a medicine-ball size
>grenade, already engaged in a heated debate. It's already night
>time.]

Joel <Skuld>: "But I think we should add serin!"
Tom <Urd>: "Go for the classics... mustard gas!"
Mike: It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your Keiichi are?

>Skuld: I can tell an stupid solution from a elegant one!! Turning
>Marller into a sex fiend is stupid!! (Besides, she only likes women.)

Crow: Guess Skuld doesn't subscribe to the "make love not war" ideal.
Tom <Skuld>: "Yeah, she does! Hey... who said that?"

>Urd: And what's this!? Are you going to drill a hole straight down
>to America!? (Remember she has a hostage?)

Mike <Skuld>: "No, really, who IS that?"
Tom <Urd>: "Bracketman? How should I know?"

>Skuld: At least I'm playing safe!! Handle it your way and we can
>expect apocalypse now!

Joel: Umm... considering who's proposing high explosives, shouldn't
Urd be saying this?
Tom: Note - Urd is known for making a bad situation worse.

>Urd: Tsk, tsk. Immaturity is shown in tactless actions.

Joel <Skuld>: "And Forrest Gump is shown in cheap theaters! What's
your point?!"

>I say we can draw first blood by sneaking in like deer hunters.

Crow <Belldandy>: "Are you guys planning on playing Russian Roulette
again?"
Joel <Urd>: "Good idea! Skuld, you go get bombed while I load the
semi-automatics for those helpless deer! Bambi dies tonight!"
Tom, Mike [singing]: A wheem-oh-wep, a wheem-oh-wep... In the forest,
the mighty forest, the goddesses hunt tonight...

>Skuld: Then why don't we take the whole platoon and charge in like
>Rambo?!

Mike <Urd>: "Tom Berenger and Oliver Stone might have something to say
about that."
Crow: Not to mention ol' Syllie Stallone.
Tom <Urd>: "But my voice can't go that low... and there's no way I'm
going to wear a smelly hairband. Do you have the slightest clue how
long it takes to WASH all of this hair?"

>Urd, Skuld: Ahahahaha [Urd - so you like those movies too? Skuld -
>yeah, I love explosives!] ......

Mike: Great, just great... this fic's coming down with a case of
brackets! Get some Vitamin D, quickly!

>Urd, Skuld: .... ahem
>
>[Laughters cut short by Bell's famous cold goddess stare.]

Tom: Yikes, no wonder people are switching back to Bell.
Joel: Who replaced Belldandy with Frau Blucher while we weren't
noticing?
Crow <Belldandy as Cap'n Joe>: "AHAHAHAHAHAHA... you're stuck here!!"

>Belldandy: Oh dear, it's almost time! Where is Marller?! Where is
>Keiichi-san!?

Mike <Belldandy>: "They're late! They're late! For a very important
date!

>[Belldandy - and by the way, where is Sayoko-san?]

Mike: Sleeping it off?
Crow: Wonder if she still needs company...

>Skuld: They never left. I think they're across the yard, in the
>altar room. (And I put Sayoko in her bed.)

Tom <Belldandy>: "In that case... where's Tamiya?"
Joel <Skuld>: "Passed out in the front room."
Tom <Belldandy>: "Okay... how about Inu-Yasha?"
Joel <Skuld>: "Ancient China, right where you left him! Sheesh, get
a flow-chart!"

>[background - Sayoko wakes up on her bed. Sayoko: What strange
>dream. tee hee]

Crow: Oh no, she's been DUBBED!
Mike: Damn you, New Line Cinema! Damn you to hell!
Joel: See Sayoko. See Sayoko drink. See Sayoko sauced. Don't be
a Sayoko.

>Urd: That arrogant bitch thinks she's so strong there's no reason
>for her to hide.

Tom <Urd>: "She didn't even let us call "no tagbacks"! Ooh, she steams
my carrots!"
Crow: Because, after all, great strength is essental to a game of hide
and seek.

>[background - SD Urd gets thrown out of the altar. Voice from
>within - Don't come back if you can't do better! HAHAHA]

Crow <Voice>: "And if you don't come back with a WHOLE goat AND a
cow, I'll smite you!"
Joel: Maybe it's Charlie from Charlie's Angels?
Mike: Methinks Urd should altar her plan.
Tom: If my arms worked, Pinky, you'd get your head whacked.

>Belldandy: Marller's strength now exceeds any conventional exorcism
>techniques.

Mike <Belldandy>: "We need the Ghostbusters!"
Tom: Either that or Beetlejuice.
Joel <Belldandy>: "I prayed we would never have to resort to this
again... but we have no choice... we must use... THE HOLY CROWBAR!"

>We must save Keiichi-san, if not the World. There is no other way!

Crow <Urd>: "Well, we could ignore it and vacation in Hawaii... well,
we could!"

>Skuld: There is another way? ..... You can't be serious!! There's
>no way I'm going through with that! I was only going to blow up
>the city.......

Tom <Skuld>: "See? I scattered mini-bombs all over the place! Even
in this fic!"
Crow <Skuld>: "Fifteen million dead, twenty tops! Come on, it's
acceptable losses under the circumstances!"
Mike <Urd>: "Are you nuts? If you destroy Tokyo, Japan will lose 90%
of its superheroines!"

>Urd: ...?! IT'S THE ONLY WAY!! Now why didn't I think of that?
>
>[Skuld stands up, ready to jump into the nearest tea cup.]

Joel <Author>: "This IS a cartoon, after all... why not have her
high-dive into it!"
Mike: Better yet, a jack knife with a one and a half twist!
Tom: Oh, she ripped that technique off from Lum!
Crow: Oolong? Green? Earl Grey, hot? We may never know.

>Skuld: I think there's still time so I'll just go back and say hi to
>God and maybe he'll help us out this time so see you later bit sisters
>......

Mike: What is the deal with all these periods anyway? Did they drift
in the heavy winds?

>Urd: You're out voted.

Tom <Urd>: "Thank you, Chicago and Al Capone wherever you are!"
Joel <Skuld>: "Fine. I call filibuster!"

>Belldandy, Urd: (spell) Three Goddesses Combine!!

Mike <Skuld>: "Constructicons, merge into DEVASTATOR!!!"
Crow: Hey! They're Mighty Morphin' Power Goddesses!

>Skuld: Wuuaaahhh!!
>
>[When dust settles, a lone, shadowy figure remains in the background.]

Crow: Hey, anyone else feel a Bon Jovi song comin' on?

>figure: That was fast.

Joel <figure>: "I've never had pizza delivered so quickly!"

>[Mean while, in shrine room, Marller is pacing around. Unconscience
>Keiichi is bolted down spread on the floor.]

Crow: Like so much margarine.
Mike: Wow! Wherever did they find a Keiichi without morals and
scruples?
Joel: I bet Sayoko's looking for one of those.

>Marller: What are those ditzs up to now? Any longer and they'll
>miss the show (subtitle - the offering) !

Tom: Script format - confusing !
Joel: Superscript: more illogical punctuation-type roadsigns !

>Marller: Damn!! Guess I'll have to go ahead without them.
>Hmm.... come to think of it, what am I suppose to do with this
>lamb?

Crow: YOU captured him, YOU decide! Don't ask us, we're just as
confused as you are!
Joel: Shouldn't that be "ewe decide"?
Crow: Please, no more puns!

>[Marller rolls a scroll which, on the back, is labeled "Dian(blocked
>by panel).]

Mike: Hey! Mr. Camera Operator, mind moving the machine a *couple*
inches to the right? Please?
Crow: Phew. Good thing it didn't say "Dios", we'd be even more
bamboozled than before!

>Marller: (looks up at the audience, sweating) ...... you can't be
>serious?

Joel: Heh... we try not to be too serious, I mean look at the stuff
we're forced to read.
Mike: So this is audience participation now? Will we get a chance to
identify the culprit and solve the murder?
Joel: It's Murder Mystery Dinner Theater 3001!

>[Marller bends down to Keeichi, whose eyes wide opened by her
>action, and cups his cheek.

Tom <Marller>: "Wow, it's so soft! You use Oil of Olay too?"
Crow: Okay, let's organize here. We have the normal Keiichi, an
amoral and completely without scruples Keiichi, and now we have
Keeichi? Mind providing an appendix of charts, fic?
Mike <Charo>: "Keeichi keeichi koo!"

>She has this sweet, innocent smile on her face (not seen since she
>regained her memory).]

Tom: Of course, this was on the last thrilling episode of General
Hospital.
Joel: Where's Dr. Chad Feelgood when you really need him?

>Marller: You know, this will hurt me more than it'll hurt you.

Mike <Marller>: "ESPECIALLY if I'm holding the cattle prod the
wrong way!"
Tom <Keiichi>: "EEYOWWWWWWWWWW!!!"
Joel <Marller>: "Okay, maybe not."
Tom: Hey guys, we need to split. Time to take a breather.

-Satellite of Love-

"C'mon! You can't be serious!"

"You don't believe me? Ask those goddesses in the fanfic, they'd
probably back me up!"

Mike was standing behind the desk next to Crow when Joel walked in
from the right. "Hey Joel, got a sec?"

Joel stopped. "What's up?"

"Your little gold robot's logic processors have been damaged from so
many bad fanfics."

Joel's face showed a second of confusion until he realized the
situation. "Oh, Crow's conspiracy theories? He's always been like
that. What's the latest, Crow?"

Crow held up a chart showing scribbles of the Dead Sea Scrolls,
Princess Diana, three watermelons, a DEA drug dog, Alcatraz Prison, and
the Loch Ness Monster. "I've diagrammed it all out for your approval."

Mike squinted at the proffered drawing. "And where exactly is this
all going, Crow?"

"It's the conspiracy to keep me up here, of course!" Crow retorted.
"And my point is that those goddesses in the fic can see it all
happening! Why don't they do something about that?"

Joel sighed, "You're up here because I'm up here. Why complicate
it?"

"And am I up here for the same reason, Crow?" Mike inquired
sheepishly.

"'Course not! I'll need a couple hours to work yours out, Mike!
Where should we start... oh yeah! Peru's president was just deposed
after many years of service, probably due to either the Shining Path
guerillas or the Kenyan mountain gorillas..."

The lights on the Satellite all started flashing crazily. Joel
yelled, "This'll have to wait, guys. We have fic sign!"

(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate)
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the
bottom)
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
(Door #4: it's a garage door. You have to open it manually)
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well)
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia)
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you
inside)

Crow: And don't forget the beefeaters! They were supposed to be
guarding Windsor Castle the whole time!
Tom: Another conspiracy rant?
Joel: We're guessing he's just adding to the first one.
Tom: Well, can it Mel Gibson. The fic's on again!

>[We see the back of the mystery figure, facing the shrine room. Voice
>coming from room - Whut...!! What are you doing!!?]

Mike: After an unsuccessful stint in space, the HAL 9000 is finally
brought to the Earth he loved so dearly...
Joel <Dr. Claw>: "I'M GOING TO ELIMINATE INSPECTOR GADGET ONCE AND FOR
ALL! ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MAD CAT?"
Crow <Mad Cat>: "Rrrrrrowl!"

>figure - Attack now!

Tom: COBRA!!!
Crow: What is this, the 80's cartoon revival?

>figure - In manga the good guys always let the bad guys reach full
>power before they attack...

Mike: Otherwise known as "The Comic Gambit".
Crow <figure>: "But this isn't a fictional story... is it?"
Joel: This isn't a fictional story... *is it*?

>figure - Marller has him. I must have caution.

Tom <figure>: "I wonder if Marller will trade Keiichi for caution
straight-up."

>[Close profile of figure. She has the face of Belldandy, the eyes
>of Urd, and the hair of Skuld. She has the infinite sign (sideway
>figure 8) on her forehead.

Joel: Heh, someone branded her for the Lazy Eight ranch.

>Voice - Hey! Belldandy made that ..... Ouch!!]

Crow: She's known in this city as the goddess of pain.

>figure - God is not going to be happy when he hears about this.
>
>figure - Sounds like fun in there.

Crow: I'm figuring they should be putting a NAME to this being, I'm
getting tired of this!
Joel: Yeah, go figure.

>[Full profile of Urdar. Fancy apparel aside, she's holding a staff
>topped by an hour glass.

Tom: Our author... the MASTER of descriptions.
Joel <hourglass>: "Get this pole outta my ass! I'm gonna tell Setsuna
on you!"

>Voice - Stop!! No!! Not there....!!]

Mike: For all we know, it could be Tamiya protesting the placement
of the keg back in the house, eh?

>figure - She's preparing the sacrifice. We don't have much time.

Tom <figure>: "We need fast and filling. Maybe a quickie potato salad,
or some baked beans?"
Crow <figure>: "So we might as well waste what time we DO have on
idle speculation!"

>figure - But I'm Urdar, the Great Goddess of Fate. There's nothing
>I can't do!

Mike <Urdar>: "Except... *urrgh*... getting this stupid... *arrgh*
pickle jar open... Sheesh!"
Joel: Sounds like she really relishes her position...
Crow <Cherry>: "She *is* fate."

>Urdar: HOW CAN I THINK WHEN I'M ARGUING WITH MYSELF!!?

Joel: No wonder she was cut from the Yggdrasil Debate Team all those
years ago.

>[Voice - OH NO...... NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!]

Mike: Looks like Mr. Bill bought it again.
Tom <Voice>: "Crap! I was SO CLOSE to saving the Mushroom Princess
too! Damn you, Bowser!"

>[Urdar bangs down the door.]
>
>Urdar: I won't forgive anyone who torments Keiichi-san!!

Crow: For some reason, whenever I see Urdar, I keep thinking of
elephants.
Joel: Well, I think this does qualify as a circus.

>Urdar: What?! Oh no!! You couldn't.....!!

Tom <Urdar>: "Don't even TRY! Weebles wobble, but they NEVER fall
down!"
Joel: So is this a one-woman show or what?
Crow: Ehh, Gypsy was much better at it.

>[Marller and Keiichi are in a tangle of flesh. Keiichi, who has
>the fiendishly content look on his face, forms the support for
>Marller, who 'sits' on his lap.

Mike: As he 'lays' on the 'floor' with 'clothes' strewn 'about'.
Tom: Keiichi looking fiendish... that IS scary.
Crow: First Sayoko, now Marller... Keiichi's having quite a
birthday, isn't he?
Joel: Yeah, can't imagine how he'll top this next year.

>Their hands are ... ahem... everywhere.]

Joel: That is just so... Zen.
Crow: No it ain't. Zen would be Belldandy going ape with an axe as
Marller proves how great a girlfriend for Keiichi she'd be.
Joel: Oh yeah.

>[Close-up of Marller. Her eyes barely open and her smile seductive.]

Mike <Marller>: "I'm feeling extra frisky tonight, join us?"
Tom <Keiichi>: "Aww, man! Why didn't you TELL me you were British?!
Just a sec, I have the number of a good orthodontist..."
Joel: Is it just me, or does Marller seem plastered off of her gourd
as well?
Mike: The Sayoko effect continues to spread.
Crow: Maybe she really did spike the beer.

>Marller: What women won't do for power?

Tom: Watch a entire episode of the Three Stooges? WITHOUT
complaining?

>end pt.b r2
>-----

Joel: Load pt.c r3.a o-94
Tom: Syntax error. Unable to load.
Crow: Goto 5040; print "The End"
Mike: Nice try.

>Marller: MA-DOU-KEN!!

Tom <Marller>: "Video games... is there anything they CAN'T teach
today's impressionable youth?"

>[Marller blasts Urdar and a good portion of the room away.]
>
>Marller: Damn! That wasn't enough! Reload me!!

Mike <Marller>: "Put a torpedo in my tube! Give me more rounds! DO
IT NOW!"
Crow <Keiichi>: "I canna do it, Capt'n! Your engines canna take the
strain!"

>[Scene cut to Keiichi, wearing Spaceship Yamato's uniform, in the
>Wave Motion Cannon control room where the Driver is being loaded to
>the Barrel.

Joel: He's much more believable as Akito on the Nadesico, in my
humble opinion.
Crow: It is just me or is this fic getting a little silly?
Tom: What was the first clue? The Capcom attacks or the Voltron
ripoff... err, "homage"?

>Keiichi - Ai Ay, Captain!]

Mike: Sounds more like Chekov than Scotty... especially if he
would've said "Keptin".

>Marller: She'll play smarter this time. Hold me steady and wait
>for my signal.

Crow <Marller>: "Damn it, Keiichi, I need warp speed in three minutes
or we're all dead!"
Mike <Keiichi>: "Can it. Just give me a red shirt, I want off this
crazy fic!"
Joel <Marller>: "Dream on, George Jetson!"

>[Keiichi holds Marller like Stallone holding a M-16, still pumping
>and with the widest grin of his life.

Tom: Aww man, now I won't EVER be able to watch a Stallone action
flick again. Just thinking of the things he's theoretically doing
to his guns... ICK!
Mike: Wait up here... if Keiichi's still pumping, does that mean
Marller's more like an air gun?
Joel: Keiichi Morisato IS the Perfect Weapon!

>Keiichi - yes, master.]

Tom <Keiichi>: "A BRAIN... MY MASTER NEEDS A BRAIN..."
Crow <Marller>: "Hey, watch it!"
Joel: What the hell... is he Keiichi Feldman now?!

>[A darting shadow speeds across the yard.]

Mike: [falsetto] Fast as fast can be, nobody can catch me!
Tom: Hey! It's the Jackalope! We missed ya, buddy!

>Marller: Steady.... steady .... NgAAAAAAHHHhh!! (translation -
>NOW!!)
>
>Keiichi - <groan>!

Crow: Mind if we join ya, Keiichi?
Tom <Keiichi>: "When this fic is over, I'm going to have a nice long
talk with my agent...."

>[Urdar is again engulfed in Marller's blaze. She again jumps back,
>stumbling a bit this time.]

Joel <Marller>: "Ha! You think your James Brown imitation can stop
me now?"
Mike <Urdar>: "Just wait! It's not over! We didn't do the "kiss
myself" routine!"

>Marller: Almost! Give me one more good shot and we can finish
>that bitch!!

Tom <Marller>: "Almond-strawberry! Right there in my capuccino! I
NEED MY FLAVOR SHOT!!"
Crow <Marller>: "My nose is broken, my eyes are blacked and my lip's a
bloody mess! Now crack my jaw and knock her out!"

>Marller: .... disappeared. Heh heh, but this will force her
>hand.......

Mike <Urdar>: "Hey, letgo of my wrist!"

>Marller: AAAaaaaAAHh! I never knew being with man can be so
>pleasurable! My sweet Keiichi-kun, I'll take you back and have all my
>servants have a taste of your .....

Joel <Marller>: "...key lime pie! It's absolutely heavenly!"

>voice - ENOUGH!!!! Marller, this is unforgivable!!

Mike: Hey! The Sailor Senshi are here to kick butt and take names!
Crow <Sailor Mars>: "How DARE you do this to such a beautiful temple!"

>[Marller's eyes gleams.]

Joel: Sex appeal!
Mike: Marller brushes her eyes with Aquafresh! For that extra sparkle!

>Marller: Now we just need a steady aIIIEEE........ WHAT?!!

Tom <Marller>: "Oh! Sorry! Just sat on a pin! I'm okay!"
Joel: Like steers to a slaughter, I suppose WE have to find out
'what' as well...
Mike: Well said, hombre.

>[A premature burst discharges towards the vacant sky. Marller turns
>and sees a skeleton, eyes rolled and mouth foaming, beneath her.]

Tom <Marller>: "I really should get my dates some tetanus shots."
Crow: Keiichi, NO!
Joel: But what a way to go!

>Marller: SOUROU!!! (translation - MEN!!. but more literally "Quick
>Leak")

Crow: Hey, if you're gonna patronize us with translations, at least
make it funny!
Joel: We could paper Brazil and Guyana with the papers from the
Japanese dictionaries of amateur fanfic writers...

>I don't need you anymore!!

All: I was only kidding! Can't you take a joke!

>[Marller takes off from Keiichi, leaving a liquid 'jet stream'
>behind.]

Joel: She's hosing, she's taking off... She IS Molson!
Tom: Ewwwwww, what is this? 'Bite Me! Chameleon' all of a sudden?

>[Urdar appears from the room's shadow. She kneels down and places
>Keiichi's head on her lap, and caresses his face with her hands.]

Mike: Isn't he a skeleton now? Yuck!
Tom <Urdar, singing>: "The neck bone's connected to the... Oh, I'm
sorry, Keiichi! I couldn't help it!"
Crow <Elmyra>: "It's Mr. Skullhead! Heehee!"

>Urdar: It's my fault, I failed to protect you. You cared for me, and
>yet I caused so much misery for you. <snif> I don't.......

Joel <Urdar>: "Hey! Elton! I see you trying to sneak off the set, we
hired you for mood music! Set it up, pronto!"

>[Pan back, Keiichi is awake, face down on Urdar's lap, trying to pry
>beneath her clothings.]

Crow: So much for a touching moment.
Joel: I beg to differ, Keiichi's doing a lot of touching.
Mike: Ok, I call no 'boning' jokes of any kind.
Crow: Or Divinyl impressions either.

>[Keiichi in bondage, apparently with Urdar's long belt. A spell
>attaches on his forehead.]

Tom: ...and sat there for a spell.
Crow: So he spontaneously tangled himself in the belt?
Joel: They don't call it "safety" for nuttin'.

>Keiichi: Help... I'm suffering......

All: <Weak applause>
Mike: Amen, brother.
Joel: And just last week, he was doing Shakespeare in the parking lot.

>voice: I'll help you after I save the World.

Tom: ...and teach it to sing?
Crow <Utena>: "Or is it revolutionize the world? Damn, I forgot
again!"

>[At high altitude, covered with only a cape, Marller flys around
>searching for her prey.]

Crow: Hey! When did this become a nature show?!
Mike <Crocodile Hunter>: "This ainamal is GOAHJUS! Look at its fine
feathas!"

>voice: Looking for me?

Joel <Voice>: "Searching for me? Trying to find me? Seeking me out?"
Mike: Aren't you supposed to be in Parliament?
Crow <Voice>: "Nooo! I won't go back! You can't make me! You can't
make me!"

>Marller: Ah, there you are! I've heard about the Super Goddess of
>Fate, but I'd never thought the bimbos could actually make one.

Tom <Urdar>: "Oh, it's easy! Get some eggs, skim milk, some flour, and
an oven at 375 degrees!"
Mike <Marller>: "Now, should I add a pinch of sugar for extra
sweetness?"
Crow <Urdar>: "No, but be sure to add plenty of fresh cream!"

>[Urdar, with her belt missing, is also revealing some of her dangerous
>curves beneath the garments.]

Crow: <imitating sounds of a helicopter>
Joel: You'd better watch out, there's some heavy snow on the peaks. I
suggest taking a detour through the valleys and plains until you hit
the Black Forest...

>Urdar: Marller, do you really want to destroy this world, or are you
>doing this just for revenge?

Mike <Marller>: "Would you hold it against me if I said 'kicks'?"

>If it's me, I can let you do as you wish, but please spare this land.

Crow <Urdar>: "And don't forget to strike this conversation... and
please, don't leave. I don't want another split."
Joel <Urdar, singing>: "This land is your land, this land is my
land...."

>Marller: You.....?! HAHAHA.... Yes, I want you! And I want God!
>And I want Earth! And in the end I want to turn Yggdrasil into a pile
>of firewood!!

Tom: Very goal-oriented, she is...
Joel: She learned from Bill Gates.
Crow <Marller>: "And I want three airplanes to fly me back to Libya!
We also demand two oxen, a lamprey eel, and a football helmet
overflowing with cottage cheese!"

>And how can anyone stop me?!

Joel: Shatter her self-confidence by teasing her mercilessly?
Crow: By engaging the choke and letting off on the throttle?
Mike: Nope. Tell her to invade Russia.

>Urdar: Marller, you've been on Earth as long as I have. Those humans
>are just as passionate for love, hate, fear, and joy as any one of the
>deities.

Tom <Urdar>: "But there's no way they can match our chocolate
consumption!"
Joel <Urdar>: "Don't jump! You have a lot to live for! Like being
cast in BETTER fics, and earning praise and recognition! Don't let
this one get you!"

>Destroy something so perfectly imprefect won't do you demons any good.

Tom <Marller>: "Okay, then explain how leaving it alone helps us poor
unfortunates?"
Mike <Urdar>: "You guys have such a foothold in the media industry!
Why would you want to give that up?"
Crow: Aww, man... the essence of the author's message to the masses.
Strap in, fellas.

>Marller: BECAUSE I CAN!!

Mike: Hey, it's Beakman's first motto.
Tom <Marller>: "I'm the little demon who could!"
Crow <Urdar>: "We understand the importance of the twelve steps,
Marller, but you've taken them too far!"

>Look at these suffering fools down there. They can't tell love from
>lust, or fear from cowardice;

Crow <Marller>: "They're so pathetic, they can't tell the difference
between cabbage and bok choy!"
Mike Or butter from 'I can't believe it's not butter!'
Joel: This fic from a hole in their... well, you know.

>they work because they'er greedy, and they die because they're tired.
>In your words, I'm their savior! AAHAHAHA.

Tom: Why bother having delusions of godhood when you're ALREADY a
deity?!?
Crow <Urdar>: "Yes, you're their savior. Here, I have a handy cross
and some nails for you, wanna play "savior" some more?"

>Marller: (at some supernatural volume) HEY YOU PATHETIC PEOPLE DOWN
>THERE! IN ONE MINUTE YOUR MISERABLE EXISTENCE WOULD BE OVER! BE
>GRATEFUL!!

Mike <people of Earth>: "SKIP IT! WE'VE SEEN ID4 AND IT'S BEEN DONE!"
Tom: Holy crap! Marller's a Vogon!
Joel <Arthur Dent>: "These things always happen on a Thursday..."

>Urdar: I won't allow you to disrupt anymore lives. You have
>tormented enough!!

Crow: Wouldn't it be great if Dr. F said these very same words?
<all sigh contentedly>

>[Down the streets, by-standers are gathering to witness this unnatural
>event.

Mike: <by-standers> Ooo-wee! I can see up their skirts!
Joel: And if you squint hard enough, you can see the REAL reason...
a three-card monte table.

>One spectator grabs another passing by. (Insert your favorite cameos
>here)]

Joel: Okay. I insert Henry Winkler as The Fonz with Patrick Stewart
as Professor X.
Tom <Ricky Ricardo>: "Hey Fred! Look up in the sky! Lucy! Come see
this!"

>Spectator A: Really!! I'm not kidding!!

Tom <Spectator A>: "Elephants really CAN tap-dance!"
Crow <Spectator A, muffled>: "See? I can still talk normally with my
whole fist stuffed in my mouth!"

>Spectator B: Let's see..... Ah! Really!! No panties!!!!!!!

Joel <Spectator B>: "Just chastity belts! You liar!"
Mike <Spectator A>: "Geez, tone it down! People are staring at US
now!"
Crow: Should this really be the action of the fic, author? Hmm?

>[Back on the sky, both Marller and Urdar prepare their attacks.]

Joel: Three goats were gathered, along with roofing tar, a carrot, and
the oilpan from a '57 Chevy.
Tom: Suddenly we're reading the climax of a Dragon Ball Z fic.
Crow: Ironically enough, both of these girls should be locked in a
Cell... with me!
Mike: Lay off the prison movies, Crow.

>Marller: All those years, I can finally settle the scores........

Tom: This is a veritable symphony of pain.
Crow: I note your protest, and find that it comes up flat.
Joel: Rest it, guys.

>[Back in the temple.]
>
>voice: Belldandy..... Onii-saaan (big brother) ..... anyone home?

Mike <Voice>: "Look... SOMEONE ordered a large pepperoni pizza with
anchovies and coconuts, and I'm gonna get my money!"
Tom: Oh no! Run for it Megumi! Save yourself before you're merged
with Urdar as well!
Joel <Ross Perot>: "See, it makes a giant sucking sound..."

>voice: Ah! What a mess!! Senpai's are playing with explosives
>again. <This is a new type thou, it seems.>

Crow: It's a bigger mess when the author plays with Japanese, as shown
here.
Tom: "New type thou?" Did the author recently get home from a Ren
fest or what?

>voice: It's onii-san!! What kind of party joke is this?! On your
>birthday too!!

Mike <Megumi>: "You used to be content with whoopee cushions! What's
happened to you?"
Tom <Megumi>: "The fly in the ice cube gag, now THAT'S a quality party
joke!"
Joel <Keiichi>: "So the bondage fairy stripper was going just a *bit*
too far?"

>[Megumi removes the spell on Keiichi's head (which says 'Do not open
>til Christmas'). He shows her the biggest grin she's ever seen.]

Crow: Megumi must be quite the sorceress if she's able to remove a
Goddess's time-stamp spell.
Joel <Megumi>: "Hmmmm, either you had sex recently or got a faceful of
Joker's 'Smile-X' gas...."
Tom <Keiichi>: "Did you see This Hour Has 22 Minutes tonight? That
show is such a laugh riot!"

>Keiichi: Megumi-chan. Would you please take off this rope? I want
>to show you something.

Crow: When magic tricks go horribly wrong...
Tom & Mike <audience>: "Boo! You're not supposed to let your ASSISTANT
free you! Boo! What would Penn and Tell... er... Penn say?"

>[moments later]
>
>Megumi: Ah heh heh ...... oni-san what are you thinking?

Joel <Lum>: "I'm thinking YOU'RE hiding my dahling!" *ZAP!*

>[Megumi drags backwards; Keiichi crawls in advance.]

Tom: She's smoking a cigarette in reverse? What a talent!
Joel: Keiichi's having a 'Nam flashback?

>Keiichi: I'm thinking how long we've known each other and not know
>each other....

Tom: Oh BROTHER, talk about the OLDEST line in the book!
Mike: He's now a man, he's entitled to fail miserably like the rest of
us...
Joel: *sniff* They grow up so fast.

>Megumi: Yeah, few BROTHERS really know about their SISTERS. And I'm
>glad they respect their privacies..... heh heh

Mike <Megumi>: "Except when they need toilet paper, of course..."
Tom: What just zinged by Megumi's ear? Oh, that was a clue.
Crow: Would SOMEONE please explain why Megumi's not doing her Jackie
Joyner-Kersee impression and GETTING THE HELL OUT OF THERE?!

>[Megumi retreats, and Keiichi advances.]

Joel: The hell? Are we watching Hogan's Heroes now?
Mike: Maybe A&E should be covering this fic?
Crow: Jack Perkins never would've survived the Japanese lessons.

>Keiichi: I never noticed how similar we are. We eat the same food,
>we have the same friends, we even wear the same kind of cloths.

Joel <Keiichi>: "Which, as we have covered before, is purely a comfort
matter!"
Crow <Megumi>: "Aww crap, have you been using my clothes to crossdress
AGAIN?"
Tom <Megumi>: "Geez, you're right! I need a new wardrobe, pronto!"

>Megumi: heh heh... maybe that's because we have the SAME PARENTS?!

Tom <Megumi>: "And trust me, there's no time I'd rather think I'm
adopted than now!"
Mike <Keiichi>: "I know but shouldn't we have more individuality at
this point? We're practically BORG!"

>[Megumi retreats, Keiichi advances.]

Joel: Boy, the suspense is killing me... no, really, I think I'll die
of boredom if they drags on any longer....
Mike: This fanfic's just turned into a giant Moebius strip, hasn't it?

>Keiichi: Your eyes.... They're the most beautiful pair I've seen.

Crow <Keiichi>: "Oh, and the ones on your face look great too."

>Megumi: Well.... if you look in the mirror you'll see another pair
>just like it.....

Tom: You know, the more flimsy the plot point, the more the author has
to convince the readers to buy it...
Crow: He'll have to be one hell of a saleman at this point.

>[etc. etc.]

Joel: Etciting? Etcilirating? Hardly.
Crow: Etstatic? Yeah, when the fic's over.

>Keiichi: Remember in high school, a friend name Hiroshi? You know
>why he went to Pittsburgh?

Mike: He had to stop Daisuke from stealing their fish?
Joel: Maybe it was to find Gary Kleppe and forcing him to pay for back
episodes of "Shonen Sunday Theater 3000"?
Tom: Must've got directions from Ryouga then.

>Megumi: Hiroshi? You mean the one whose sister became an ido... ah!

Joel <Megumi>: "Megumi-Sama! I didn't see you come in!"
Tom <Keiichi>: "Huh?"
Joel <Megumi>: "Sucker!" <imitates running steps>

>[Megumi's back is against the wall.]
>
>Keiichi: The forbidden fruits always taste sweeter.....

Mike <Keiichi>: "Like the melons, and the cherry..."
Crow <Megumi>: "B-but if you do that with me, it'll be a lemon!"
Mike <Keiichi>: "Oh yeah. 'Kay, wanna play video games instead?"

>[His lips land on hers.]

Joel: Now that's what I call an illegal forward pass.
Crow <Megumi>: "Ew, you kiss like my little brother..."

>Urdar: You can't win, Marller.

Tom <Urdar>: "The Supreme Power says so."
Crow <Marller>: "God?"
Tom <Urdar>: "Nope. Vince McMahon. Ever since he bought out WCW..."
Mike: Okay, from one horrid scene back to the first horrid scene. It's
almost like getting a pass to a two-ring freak show.

>Marller: And I can't lose either!! Another (looks up) 30 seconds and
>I shall be Lord, and by then not even the Dragon Knight can save you!!

Crow: Why would he? He's too busy taking pictures of half naked
maidens!
Mike: Wrong Dragon Knight.
Crow: Oh.
Tom <Urdar>: "No Dragon Knight? How about... a Dragon Slave?"

>[Urdar - Oh angels of Heaven and spirits of Earth, in name of Urdar,
>the Super Class Unstricted Goddess and guardian of Yggdrasil, I bid
>thee to obey my plea.

Joel <Marller>: "Objection! Leading the witness!"
Tom: Yggdrasil needing protection? Why doesn't it just spit some bugs
out on Marller?

>Lend me thy strength, and I shall deter this evil presence.]

Crow: Lean on me, and I'll be thy friend! I'll help thee carry on
forth!
Joel: Urdar's well-versed in dealing with malevolent spirits... just
deter them so that they can come back another day!

>Marller: <Hmm.... Looks nasty.> Oh yeah!? Watch this!!

Mike: Do we have any choice in the matter?

>[Marller - I, the Super Class Demon Marller, Keeper of Niflheim and
>the Heir of Darkness, command my subjects.

Tom <Marller>: "I shall also command my predicates!"

>Surrender your power to me, and I will deliver to Light it's fatal
>blow!!]

Tom: Why trust FedEx when you can count on Marller?
Joel <Marller>: "Surrender your pronouns so I may pierce them with
unnecessary apostrophes!"

>[Marller - SHIN!-MA-DOU-KEN!! Urdar - TO-TEN-SEI-I

All: ZZZZzzzzz...

>(Dipper Turn Star Shift)] {Draw your heart out on this page. (^_^)}

Joel: Certainly drawing the readers' patience out.
Mike: It's the Star Shift! Four on the floor, baby!
Crow: Just when you thought the Universe had automatic transmission...

>[Marller's fireball makes an orbit around Urdar's afterglow,

Mike: Playing "El Ninjo" all the way.
Crow: Okay kids... this is a model of an ACTUAL atom!
Tom <Urdar>: "Cool! Now can you walk the dog or rock the cradle?"

>whom within seems spent from sheer exhaustion, and comes straight back
>for her.]

Joel <singing>: "Which describes how you're feeling all the time..."
Tom: Wait, who's exhausted here? The afterglow? Urdar?
Crow: Antecedents! Use 'em!
Joel <Chevy Chase>: "Frankly, Captain, I'm exhausted."

>Marller: WHUAAA!!
>
>Marller: Very clever. Using my own attack on me. But this trick
>won't work again!

Joel <David Letterman>: "And coming up next... from the Home Office in
Tokyo, Japan: 'Stupid Goddess Tricks!'"
Mike: And another poor trick is counted on the unemployment list.
Crow <Urdar a la Bullwinkle>: "Ok then, how'd about I pull a rabbit out
of my hat?"

>Marller: <Points to heaven> All elements present, and IT IS TIME!

Crow: All signs point to yes.
Mike: Anyone get the feeling this whole assault was planned out by a
Magic Eight-Ball?
Joel <Marller>: "IT'S TIME TO ROCK THE TOKYO DOME!!"
Mike & Tom <crowd>: "Aahhhhhhhhh!"

>I, the True Heiress of Underworld, proclaim by this full Moo....
>WHAAAAT !!?

Mike: Sadly, the cow wouldn't cooperate and only gave a half moo.
Joel: I heard the East German cow gave this a quarter moo.
Crow: C'mon, let's not milk this joke any further.
Joel: O-kay.
Crow: That's butter.

>[Marller is pointing at a New Moon.]

Tom <Marller>: "Hey honey, hike up the pants, I can see your smile!"
Mike: It was towed here specially from Jupiter!
Joel: Suppose it's better than howling at it.

>[Urdar sneaks behind Marller and grabs her by her waist.]

Crow <Urdar>: "Hmm, size ten..."
Tom <Marller>: "HEY!"
Crow <Urdar>: "Now to flip you over and get my two points!"

>Urdar: The moment is lost, Marller. Remember I'm the Goddess of
>Time? You couldn't possibly win this way.

Tom <Urdar>: "Try battling for the curds instead."
Mike <Marller>: "Damn you! Saved by a plot contrivance!"
Joel <Urdar>: "You have to cheat and abruptly change the rules of the
game to your favor like I did!"

>[Marller bursts into tears]
>
>Marller: You always win, and I always lose!! You're the blessed one!
>You get the attentions!

Mike <Marller>: "All I ever get are the detentions!"

>Everybody loves you!! I hate you! I hate all of you! And I hate
>God....
>
>Urdar: I understand, my sister.

Joel <Marller> Cut the existential crap, I'm ranting here!

>Marller: .... eh ?!
>
>Urdar: Our father regretted for not having you around in the family.
>But having seen you he felt you'd be happier in Hell.

Tom: Seeing as Hell is the big fun playful place of neato brimstone and
warm yet toasty flames.
Crow: Just like McDonald's Playland!

>Marller: THAT IS ..... true.
>
>Urdar: His daughters all ..... well, most of them ..... heard from
>him his "Flight With the Valkyrie" seventy years ago. <blushing a
>bit>

Tom: God always flies first class. Wonder why...
Mike: It's because he saved all his frequent flier miles.

>Urdar: He remembers.

Crow <Urdar>: "Granted, sometimes all of Heaven is papered with Post-It
Notes, but he'll keep it written down somewhere!"
Joel: 3M is My Megami-sama's Messages!

>[Scene cut. View of bottom half of a throne, a pair of male legs are
>topped by several unclothed female ones.

Mike: Failed avenues of creationism.
Tom <God>: "Maybe if I put a bunch of hands together instead..."
Crow: Creating the first octopus, which was dropped accidentally on a
Red Wings hockey game, perpetuating a mandate from the heavens...

>voice - Hack-chu! (sneeze)]

Joel: Sounds more like a hairball.
Mike <God>: "Can't you girls shave your legs once in a while?"

>[Pan away. Urdar crosses her arms around Marller's neck in a very
>touching feminine embrace.]

Tom <Author>: "Exactly how much WILL be touching shall be left up to
your horny little gutter-minds!"

>Marller: ........... sorry.

Tom: This product placement brought to you by Parker Brothers.
Crow: You know, the ones before the Mario Brothers.

>[Same panel. voices coming from one the darken buildings below.

Joel <voice>: "Well, can't you feel around for the fuse box?"
Mike <voice 2>: "No way! This basement is all full of spiders!"

>voice1 - I'm telling you! There are two half-naked woman hugging each
>other in mid air!! voice2 - Son, you've studied too hard. Get a
>girlfriend tomorrow.]

Crow <Voice 1>: "Have you forgotten already, Pops? You've engaged me
to two girls! And there are two others out for my head, if not my
hand in marriage!"
Mike: It's hard to try NOT to care about these cameo characters with
names like 'Voice' and 'Spectator'...

>[We are now looking down at the shrine room floor.

Tom: Why bother, when Mike's navel lint is so much more interesting?

>Keiichi's naked upper torso on top of Megumi's. They are enjoying
>the "Good Vibration" as if you couldn't imagine.]

Mike <Megumi>: "Keiichi! I never knew you loved using my vibrator
too!"

>[Upper panel. Close-up side view of Keiichi.

Crow <Author> "He has a mole about five inches underneath his armpit,
with three long hairs growing out of it."
Joel: When descriptions go a BIT too far.

>Sweat dripping and all, yet looking very earnest at what he's doing.]

Joel <Keiichi>: "Hey, Megumi... it's Ernest! KnowhutImean?"

>Keiichi: <Hump>, <heng>, <heeh>, <HNEUG......>

Tom: Suppose he's trying to get a pardon from Louis XVI too?
Crow: I think he's named all of the key animators from Kodansha.
Mike: Either that or pointing out the more salient features of a
camel.

>[Lower panel. Same close-up view of Megumi, who is apparently out of
>her wits.]

Joel: Especially if she's out of her birth-control pills.
Mike: Of all the people that should be sweating bullets, it should be
Megumi.

>Megumi: I love you I love I <Aaaah> can run away and get marri
><EEEEeeng> save our parents some money and <IIIIiiiie> have three kids
>and call them Shinzo and Shinji and Shin<Itchaataaaaaa> (translation -
>... saaaaa)

Tom: What's up here? Is Megumi getting electroshock to induce
enjoyment of the incest?
Crow: Itchaataaaaaaa means "saaaaa" in Japanese? Better file away for
future reference, never know when you'll need it.

>{make sure the 'dialogues' are properly aligned between the panels.
>^_^}

Crow: And don't forget to properly align the riffs between sentences
for maximum comedic effect.

>[Keiichi gets off her. Megumi is still babbling.]
>
>Megumi: ...and when people ask me I can say I'm a housewife and my
>name is Morisato Megumi and I can have all my parents grandchildren
>..... zzzzz

Tom: Isn't it supposed to be the guy who rolls over after everything's
done?
Crow: Why are you asking those two?
Tom: Yeah, good point.

>Keiichi: Shit! I have to live in one place in Tokyo that has no
>cigarettes.

Crow: Ironically enough, it's got more than its share of dopes though.
Tom: [singing] They're all stars now... in the dope show...

>Well, maybe senpais left some.

Mike: Free cigarette deliverymen in Japan? Wow.
Joel: It's better than the cigar deliverymen. They get mad when you
leave a tip.

>[Keiichi walks into a dark room, and bumps into a shadow.]

Tom: I call foul! There's no light to cast shadows in a dark room!
Crow: What, did he fall face-first onto the ground then?
Mike <Keiichi>: "Hey! I knocked him down, give me a count!"

>Keiichi: Ouch! Hey somebody still here?

Joel: Unfortunately, us.
Crow: Mind wrapping it up soon? The janitors are getting impatient.

>[The shadow's hands emit warm glows, revealing vaguely Urdar's
>outline.

Tom <shadow>: "O-hohohohohohoho!!"
Mike: And in an amazing plot twist, the silhouette develops two large
bumps about eye level and starts laughing much like Kodachi...
Tom: Like we need to drag Naga into this.

>With wave of her hands, several more glows fan out to illuminate the
>deserted room.]

Crow: Hey! Where'd the actors go?
Joel: Sudden scene changes... just say no.

>Urdar: Keiichi-san, it's not like you to have done that too a
>girl.....

Tom <Keiichi>: "But I don't remember coming out of the closet...
Joel: Must be the whole Kevin Cline thing.

>Keiichi: Yeah!? So what about that!?
>
>Urdar: ... you should have stayed in Megumi when you finished.

Mike <Keiichi>: "Why? I'm not multi-orgasmic."
Joel <Keiichi>: "I *knew* I should have hollowed her out and lived
in her..."

>[Keiichi gets blown backwards. (ie. gag)]

Crow: I always thought it was called a facefault.
Tom: Someone give this fic the Heimlich! Can't you see it's choking?

>Keiichi: SO I FUCKED MY OWN SISTER!! I've sinned and I liked it.

Mike: So much for "the devil made me do it"...
Crow: For shame, Keiichi! Those kinds of words!
Joel: Yet, you didn't protest even once during the incest.
Crow: It's a matter of degree.

>Give me a day .... make that a week.... and I'll do it again!

Crow: So much for going strong and going all night long.
Joel <Keiichi>: "On the outside, ask me next year!"

>And who the ......
>
>[Urdar presses her lips on Keiichi's. Apparently she's a whole foot
>taller than he is.]

Tom: I've heard of six-armed goddesses, but not three-footed ones.
Joel <Urdar>: "The extra one is for good luck!"
Mike <Keiichi>: "Silly me, I thought it was a spare."

>Keiichi: Sorry honey. I'm too tired tonight. Maybe some other
>time......

Crow <Keiichi>: "I gotta open the Ucchan, sugar. Can I make you an
okonomiyaki before I go?"
Mike <Keiichi>: "Some other time, some other place... when I'm not
quite as OOC and you're back to Belldandy, Urd, and Skuld... after
all, incest is bad enough. I'm not a child molester."

>Urdar: Marller's Seed of Evil has taken root in you. I can't
>extract it from your mouth anymore, so I'll have to go from the route
>Marller took.

Tom: *SNAP*!
Mike <Urdar>: "Now bend over, dear. This won't hurt a bit. Especially
if you've been to the proctologist before."

>[Urdar bends down.]
>
>Keiichi: Hey hey, what are you doing?

Joel: Poor Keiichi. He hasn't the slightest idea how the author wants
him to act anymore.
Tom <Keiichi>: "And don't you get Old Weird Harold and Russell involved
in this, hey hey hey!"

>[Narration - Despite Keiichi's earlier 'extracurricular activities',
>the tongue of a Super Class Goddess is nonetheless blowing his mind
>away.]

Joel: Illustrating why you should NEVER have a Super Class Goddess lick
inside your ear.
Tom: If I may make a suggestion, he needs more brains rather than
less.

>[Urdar lies Keiichi on his back, whose eyes (and something else) stare
>straight into the ceiling.

Joel <Keiichi>: Hey, check it out... I have x-ray vision!

>She then positions herself on top, resting her hands on Keiichi's
>chest, and look into his eyes.]

Mike <Urdar>: "Did you remember to take the garbage out?"
Tom <Keiichi>: "Nope. Tamiya and the gang are still passed out in the
front room."

>Urdar: Keiichi-san. I have waited for this moment for a long time.
>I, all of me, love you.

Joel: Including all of her personalities.
Tom <Urdar>: "My left wrist loves you, my sternum loves you, and my
armpit absolutely cannot do without you."

>[View of cityscape, and a big 'NGYAAaaaaah' is heard throughout.]

Mike <Lum>: "Da-CHA!"
Crow *ZZZap!*
Joel <Ataru>: "No, Lum... don't! No more! NGYAAAAAaaaaaaaaaggghh!"

>[Aoshima, who is in the middle of an n-way session, raises his
>head from some snatch.]

Crow <Aoshima>: "What, is it dinnertime already?"
Tom <Nat'l Geographic narrator>: "And here we see the results of a
successful hunt, as the male lustfully raises his head above the
trophies of the hunt and bellows a hearty roar."

>Aoshima: Now that's the biggest cherry pop I've ever heard.

Tom: What did they use then? Cherry Coke or Wild Cherry Pepsi?
Crow: Cherry the monk, finally tired of making excuses for all the
vagaries of fate, decides to end it all by swallowing a grenade.

>[A blurry vision begin to focus. Keiichi sees Urdar on top of him,
>still staring down.]

Mike <Urdar>: "Was it good for you? It was good for me, me, and me!
Joel <Keiichi>: "When I dreamed of a four-way, I never expected one
like this..."

>Keiichi: Who are ..... Bellu-chan? Urd?! Skuld?! Am I dreaming?

Joel <Alex Trebek>: "No, Keiichi, and you are wrong. The correct
response was 'Who are Winken, Blinken, and Nod.'"
Tom: Sure, if you call hallucinations "dreams".

>Urdar: Yes, yes, yes, and no comment.

Mike: She'd make a great politician.

>I'm glad you're feeling better.
>
>Keiichi: If I'm dreaming this, why is my @^%! feeling so awfully good
>right now?

Joel: The author went all the way to incestual sex and won't divulge
the meaning of the random symbols?

>I'm afraid if I wake up my bed would be wet.

Crow: It looks like a certain somebody needs to invest in some
Pull-Ups!
Mike: Brave man, he'd rather sleep in it.

>Urdar: It's not often a goddess consummates with a human. The
>privilege is mine.
>
>Keiichi: I think I have endulged enough of your service. Shouldn't
>we.....

Tom: The true meaning of "Goddess Relief Office" finally comes to
light.
Mike: Run by the goddess Fleiss, of course.
Crow <Urdar>: "But service is our business!"

>Urdar: Oh no, I sense more trances of poison.

Joel: Oh that nutty poison, always getting hypnotized.
Mike <Urdar>: "I used a 'scan' spell and I also see you need a Potion
to go with that antidote! Your hit points are dangerously low!"

>I must continue till they're all gone.
>
>Keiichi: .... (gulp) really?

Crow <Keiichi>: "As long as you don't mind me sleeping, I'm completely
worn out."
Mike: Nothing outlasts the Energizer goddess.

>Urdar: Now now, a Super Class Unrestricted Goddess can't lie.

Tom: But they're doing a hell of a job stretching the truth right now.

>[Urdar rests her head on Keiichi's shoulder. Turned to the audience
>and away from Keiichi, she makes a face only Urd could.]

Mike <Urdar>: "Bii-dah!"
Joel: It warms my heart to see the author hasn't forgotten us.

>Keiichi: OOOOoooooohh.......
>
>[Narration - From the Norse legends, or so was written, a Goddess's
>womb can be a billion times more devistating than her mouth.]

Joel: Well, at least the legends written by those old, lame, and
snowblind Vikings.
Tom: And if he passed out the first time, what happens next? A three-
month coma?
Crow: Don't forget Sandra Bullock.

>[Scene white out.]

Crow: We could've used some of that.
Joel: Michael Nesmith's mother, won't you help us?

>[Keiichi wakes up, and sits up slowly, holding his neck.]

Mike <Keiichi>: "BACK OFF! I SWEAR, I'LL SQUEEZE!"
Joel: He's gonna strain his abdominal muscles that way...
Tom: Hasn't anyone taught him how to do a stomach crunch properly?

>Keiichi: Oh god I'm sore all over.
>
>[Then he (we) notices Belldandy, in her normal costume, kneeling
>besides the bed.]

Crow <Keiichi>: "Dang, slut, dinchoo get 'nuff last night?"
Tom: Oh, it's cute! She's cosplaying!

>Belldandy: Good morning and happy birthday, Keiichi-san.
>
>Keiichi: Oh, that's right, Tuesday is my Birthday. I can't believe
>the senpais made me join the demolition derby on my last teen
>day.......

Crow: Gee, Keiichi, now that you're an adult now, why don't you tell
them where to stick it?

>Belldandy: Did you have terrible dreams last night?
>
>Keiichi: Oh yeah, it was terrible!

Tom <Keiichi>: "I was having sex with an insatiable goddess and she
never did stop! Man, those were some awful dreams!"
Crow: May your tongue be coated with boils for saying such a thing,
Tom.
Tom: Not me! Keiichi!
Crow: Whomever.

>I...... I? I don't remember. I think I did some terrible things,
>but what?!

Joel: Try as you might Keiichi, but if we have to be stuck with the
incest image we're not letting you forget either.
Mike <Keiichi>: "I have the distinct feeling I shot the sheriff, but
couldn't shoot any of his underlings."

>[Top panel. Eyes only. They're focused to each other.]

Tom <Belldandy>: "Second from the top line, Keiichi."
Mike <Keiichi>: "Umm... E... U... W... N... B."
Tom <Belldandy>: "Remind me to order you new contacts."

>Belldandy: Keiichi-san
>
>[Middle panel. Mouths only. They're approaching.]

Tom: To give a big wet kiss to the audience! Thank you, you've been
great! Don't forget to tip your waitress!
Joel: Almost...

>Belldandy: ..... thank you.
>
>Keiichi: eh?

Crow <Belldandy>: "No, I'm not here to thank A. I'm here to thank U!"
Mike: This fic has been sponsored by the letters N and C, and the
number 17.

>[Bottom panel. From necks to floor. Apparently they're engaging in
>a kiss.

Joel: Apparently.
Crow: You can almost taste the saliva.

>Out of Keiichi's view and behind Belldandy's back, she holds a box of
>Kleenex (tissue).]

Mike: As opposed to a box of Kleenex cookies.
Tom: I have faith that Belldandy could cook those and have them turn
out tasty anyway.
Crow: I wouldn't have minded seeing that Belldandy in this fic.

>Keiichi: .......... ?

Joel <Keiichi>: "What is kiss?"

>
> the end!!!!!!!

Mike: Nothing but empty promises, y'know.
Tom: Don't remind me.

>-----

Crow: Quit feeding us lines!
Joel: Even worse than my HP printer.

>It is customary for creators of dojinshis to add some of his personal
>BS in the contents

Mike: It's also usually customary for people to skip those pages unless
they're completely bored.
Tom: Boring Stuff? Bang Stick?
Crow: Bear Shank.

>(which people who paid good money not wanting to read, but this is
>free, so HA!). The reasons for that are manyfold, but mainly it gives
>a forum for the author to communicate his innermost feelings otherwise
>left out in the manga interpretation.

Joel: Therefore, implying that there's some little bit of the author
that we still haven't seen.
Tom <Author>: "And here's my feelings... I'm hungry."

>NO, seriously, it's for me to BS and boost my egos.

Mike: Wonder if the author's got Urdar in his brain a bit too much.
Crow: I can't shake the feeling that this is a Freudian's dream.

>I received some encouraging emails after posting pt.a, and some
>suggestions (ie. not so encouraging emails) for pt.b.

Tom: I can't imagine what they'd be protesting.
Crow: The senseless cameos?
Tom: Okay, that too.

>Hopefully I've kept what is 'essential'. The originally short parody
>turned into a 20 pg. beast,

Mike: ...at which time, the Japanese Self-Defense Forces were called.
Lo and behold, their last defensive line broke and it invaded America.
Joel: In the early days of internet fanfiction, "parody" must've meant
"fan-service".

>and Iain S. (ie. Ax on #anime!) is the only one on this planet crazy
>enough to WANT to draw this thing. Which shows how reading too much
>manga can impair common sense........ :-P

Crow: Especially if it's labelled "Viz" in the corner.
Tom: Confirming that this piece did NOT in fact keep tongue in cheek.

>A common complaint I got for pt.b was "Where's the beef?" Hope you
>all enjoyed the Wendy's Burger that followed.

Joel: If this was a Wendy's Burger, I can only imagine Dave Thomas's
face.
Mike: Remind me to go after a Caesar side-salad next time.

>Ax, if you are reading this, give me feedback. I wrote more than I
>should so some could be hacked, and you have my permission to hack in
>any desirable way you like.

Tom: Introducing the new form of environmental torture, the hack-and-
slash fanfic!
Joel: Chucky's back... and this time, he's brought Freddy and Jason.

>I used New Order as BGM, and put Bizarre Love Triangle on auto-repeat
>on my CD player. By time I finished this I must have heard that
>song some 200 times.

Joel <Author>: "I wonder if it was a coincidence that the walls were
crawling with huge fanged Funky Winkerbeans..."
Crow: And some people say that today's youth wastes their time.
Mike: Not like we have any place to talk.

>Still don't know what it means, but that's what Marller was supposedly
>dancing to.

Crow: And here we were thinking she was doin' the Hokey Pokey.

>And finally, this fucker is done. Now the monkey is off my back and
>on somebody else's. AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA. (God I love Marller.)

Mike: Truly bedtime for Bonzo.
Crow <Author>: "Now, if only I could shake off this yak and the two
orangutans..."

>d.n.a.b. Blame it on AIMAP
>1/25/93

Mike: An Ipecac Meat and Pasta?
Joel: Speaking of ipecac, would you guys enjoy some release as well?
Mike: Sure! The only way for this fic to survive is for it to BE a
doujin, because the author relied a lot on visual and UNSEEN effects
carrying the humor.
Tom: Not only that, in one humble robot's opinion, the incest could've
been cut out. Keiichi has others that would be more than happy to go
after him than his sister, and not having to deal with that scene
again would give me some piece of mind.
Crow: And, for our final trick... how to give a cabbit a colonic!
Tom: Mind taking me away from that little sicko?
Mike: Be my pleasure.

-Satellite of Love-

"Man, to be defeated so easily by such a plot contrivance. I don't
know about you guys, but I'd be rather annoyed," Tom commented.

Joel smiled. "I'd agree. To just change the day of the week like
that... why didn't 'Urdar the Mighty' do that to begin with anyway?"

"And spare us all of the anguish of having to read through multiple
sexual situations and UPN-style comedy? Hah." Mike looked at the
desk to see the red button flashing crazily. He activated the video
link, and saw a maddened Frank.

"And here I thought I was the one that was crazy. I remember May
twenty-sixth in 1992! Here I thought having two Tuesdays in a week was
bad enough, but I also remember that as one of the best days of my
life!" Frank cried, nursing yet another bowl of ice cream.

"What do you mean, Frank?" Tom couldn't resist adding.

"What do I mean? WHAT DO I MEAN?! On that Sunday, I woke up to see
Cindy Crawford making my breakfast! Then I got word that Bill Clinton
was looking for a solid #2 man, and he was considering nominating me
for the Vice-Presidency! Not only that, I had the best game of
"Wolfenstein" that I ever played! But that's not the worst part..."
Frank took a deep breath, and started sobbing.

"Now now, honey... what is it?" Crow asked.

"Arby's called... and they offered to put me into management
training! No more second-banana Frank! But no, these goddesses come
around and ruin MY GREAT SUNDAY and turn it into a TUESDAY! I'll be
an assistant, a sidekick, FOREVER!" By now, Frank's crying jag reached
the choking and sniffling stage, and he ran offscreen with his arm over
his eyes. He passed Dr. Forrester and almost knocked him over trying
to get away from the screen.

Dr. Forrester looked puzzled. "Now *that* was unexpected. And he's
the one that's supposed to be helping me be evil. Oh well..." Dr. F's
attention was drawn to the screen, where two robots and two humans were
still gawking. "And don't forget, Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs, I
have more fics just like that."

Mike chuckled. "So the ultimate goal is to torture your assistant?"

"No! Well, I'm supposed to do that at any rate," Dr. F mused. He
called, "Hey Frank... push the button!"

"You do it! I'm bitter!"

"Oh, fine. A mad scientist's work is never completely finished.
Wonder if Frank left any Pralines and Cream..."

**POOF**

o/~ "Na na na-a-ah, na na, na NA na.."

All comments and criticism gratefully accepted at: zo...@yahoo.com

Author's ramblings:
After I bragged about doing one MST not eight weeks after another,
this one took more than double that time. I wish I could've called
this a labor of love, but there were times that I'm not sure it
would've ever been finished. So many times this was bogged down... it
was really testing my personal opinion that anything can be MSTed if
worked on hard enough. But I prevailed, thankfully. I wish I
remember what the hell I did with my May 26 in 1992. Oh well...

Grateful thanks go to Megane 6.7, who not only gave me this fic to
MST, he still does a great job of going through my MSTs with me
riff-by-riff, suggesting some and dropping others. I sometimes
wonder if I write them anymore, other than the host segments...
he always seems to come up with at least one great suggestion for
every riff. Check out his latest MST, "The Io Saga", for some great
laughs!

The next fic's picked and ready to go... and also, watch for changes
to the website! Dot Every T Productions has had a series of creative
projects fall into our collective laps. Watch for "The House of
Ikari", coming soon... along with another NGE MST, this time a
crossover with Ranma 1/2, entitled "A Little Change of Plans". We like
to think of it as group MSTing at its finest, and invite you to agree
or disagree as you'd like. As for those website changes, we'll
probably have a Dot Every T page made up by the time those MSTs are
published. I also offer the people of Dot Every T thanks for allowing
me to work with them as my projects lay unfinished.

I would like to invite dnab to read this, but have not the slightest
clue how to, since I never saw an email address. I hope I haven't
offended you, dnab.

And be sure to check out http://www.nabiki.com/mst This site, "A
MSTing For All Seasons", is Megane's and my MST homepage, where you can
find a wide range of great MSTs! Also there, you can find out about
the FFIRC and their MST projects, a map of the (now defunct, but still
in our hearts) FFML subscribers, and all-around general craziness.

Last note... I'm getting married the ninteenth of May of this year.
If you folks don't hear from me for a week afterward, you'll know why.
^^

Special Thanks To:
Teachers of America (and the world)
The Authors of the 1st Amendment
The Wonderful People at KTMA-23
ACS (American Cancer Society)

>[Skuld's toy blows a puff of hot air which, if anything, curls up an
>afro for Marller.]

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