[MISTING] Is your friend a Nerd? (Gad, I hope I'm doing this right...)
Tirran
Although I've been a fan of MST3K ever since I first saw it on a
trip to Pennsylvania, I've not seen it often enough to get a real feel
for the characters. So, for my first-ever attempt in the genre, I've
used characters I know much better, ones whose attitudes aren't
dissimilar to those of Joel/Mike and the bots.
Yakko, Wakko and Dot Warner, from the cartoon show 'Animaniacs.'
I've tried to keep the style of the show as intact as possible,
with its irrelevancies, pointless cameos, and occasional trips into
surrealism, as well as its humour which varies from caustic wit to faint
scatology and everything in between...
"INTER-NUTS"
MiSTing by: Ron "Tirran" Orr [griz...@vianet.on.ca]
January 29, 2000
Disclaimers:
"Animaniacs," its related characters and situations are ©
copyright 1993 - 1999 Warner Brothers Animation Inc., a
Time-Warner company, and Amblin Entertainment. All rights
reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for
entertainment/parody purposes only; no infringement on the
original copyrights or trademarks held by Warner Brothers
Animation or by the creator of the material MiSTed is intended
or should be inferred.
This MiSTing is intended as humorous commentary, and not a
direct attack on those MiSTed.
Unwarranted criticism, personal attacks, or any other childish
behaviour will be sent to /dev/null. Think before you
write. We're all in this together.
************************************************************************
[SCENE: Dr. Otto von Scratchansniff's office, day. The DR is
sitting at his desk writing some case notes.
[Enter RALPH, carrying a large wooden crate.]
RALPH: Here ya go, Doc. I brung dem kids like you asked.
DR: T'ank you, Ralph. You may go.
RALPH: You sure you gonna be OK, Doc? You know what dem Warners is
like.
DR: I will be perfectly fine. Do not worry your head about me.
Today we iss surfing zee Internet and learning about zee
Nerdism.
RALPH: Wha?
DR: [patiently] We iss using compooters, okay?
RALPH: [puzzled] Duhh... OK Doc, if you say so...
[RALPH exits, worriedly.
[DR. takes up a crowbar and approaches the crate, which
spontaneously bursts open, revealing YAKKO, WAKKO and DOT in
their characteristic 'group wave' pose.]
YAKKO: [sings] Hello...
WAKKO: [sings] Hello...
DOT: [sings] Hello...
[All whisk offscreen and appear swarming around the DR, hugging
and fondling him in their usual way, making him quite
uncomfortable, also as usual. Hey, that's what they _do,_
right?]
WARNERS: Hello!
DR: Now, now, children. Please to be settling down und we will
begin your lessonss for today.
WAKKO: Lessons! I though we were going for lunch!
DR: No lunch now. Lessonss first, lunch later.
[WAKKO begins eating papers off of the DR's desk. The DR picks
him up by the scruff of his neck and dumps him into one of
several school desks at one end of his office. YAKKO and DOT are
already seated, looking deceptively angelic.]
DR: [moving to the front of the room, facing the desks, in front of
a very large computer monitor and a standard teacher's desk]
Now children, today we iss discussing ze Internet. [WAKKO
raises his hand] Yess?
WAKKO: Does this mean we're going fishing?
DR: No, no, no! It iss not zat kind of net! Ze Internet is a way
off connecting compooters togezzer zo we may communicate wiss
each odder.
YAKKO: Don't we have telephones for that?
DR: No, ziss iss different. We are making ze compooters talk to
each odder...
YAKKO: And we talk to the computers?
DR: Somesing like zat, yess.
DOT: [in front of computer terminal] Hi, computer! I'm Dot! I'm the
cute one! [waits with growing impatience] [teary voice] Doctor
Scratchansniff, this computer is being mean! It won't talk to
me!
DR: [beginning to show the first signs of stress] No, Dot, you do
not understand. You must use ze keyboard and mouse to talk to ze
computer.
[WAKKO is sitting in his seat with the keyboard cable trailing
from his mouth; his cheeks are bulgingly full. Next to him YAKKO
is playing with the BRAIN, who is struggling to escape.]
YAKKO: This sure seems a lot harder than just using the phone, Doc.
BRAIN: [aside] This is not only humiliating, it is entirely
gratuitous.
DR: [grabs BRAIN from YAKKO, pulls keyboard from WAKKO's mouth and
slaps them down on his desk.] Stop zat! Watch und I will show
you how it works! [taps at keyboard. Modem sounds, very loud.
YAKKO, WAKKO and DOT grimace exaggeratedly in pain at the noise.
The sounds stop. Lines of text appear on the display.] Now here
we are, on ze Internet.
WARNERS: LET ME SEE! LET ME SEE! LET ME SEE! [The WARNERS start
climbing all over the DR, trying to get near the display.]
DR: ZIT DOWN! [The WARNERS whisk back to their desks. Angelic
looks again.] Pay attention! [pause] Now, zis iss what we
call ze Usenet.
DOT: I thought it was the Internet?
DR: Usenet iss _part_ of ze Internet.
YAKKO: Like rich fat men are part of the Republican Party?
DOT: Like cute buns are a part of Mel Gibson?
YAKKO: [to DOT] Don't use up all your Mel Gibson material too soon,
sister sibling.
DOT: Don't worry; I've still got _lots!_ See? [produces long
scroll of paper which reaches to the floor]
YAKKO: [sighs] Girls...
DR: Quiet, PLEASS! [pause] On Usenet, we may post messages which
many people all over ze world will see...
DOT: [excited] Including Mel Gibson? [whisks over to YAKKO] Told
you so! [whisks back to her seat]
DR: To anyone reading zee newsgroup, _including_ Mister Gibson if
he happenss to drop by.
[DOT looks dreamy; her pupils turn into little hearts]
YAKKO: Well, we've lost _her_ for the rest of the episode...
WAKKO: [whiny] Is it time to go fishing yet?
DR: I tell you again, zere iss no fishing on ze Internet!
YAKKO: What about alt.fishing?
WAKKO: Or rec.sport.frog-jumping? [has MICHIGAN FROG tied to the
end of a fishing line and is hopping him about]
DR: [losing it a bit more] Stop ziss foolishness und pay
attention! [pause] Now here we have zomesing special. Zis is
what we call a 'spam.'
WAKKO: [sits up and takes notice] Spam? I love Spam!
DR: Ziss iss not zat kind of spam. On ze Internet, spam is what we
call a message which zomeone repeats over und over und over.
WAKKO: That's what Spam does to me. Makes me repeat over and over and
over... [belches] 'Scuse me...
DOT: Eww...
DR: [ignoring it] Now let us look at zis message and zee what we
can learn from it.
YAKKO: Learn something from the Internet? Well, there's always a first
time...
DR: SHH!
> Path: news.fysh.org!news-part-deux.lupine.org!pln-w!extra.newsguy.com!
> lotsanews.com!nntp.primenet.com!nntp.gctr.net!newsfeed.icl.net!
> newspeer.clara.net!news.clara.net!newsfeed.wirehub.nl!xs4all!
> not-for-mail
> From: "torsten" [free...@xs4all.nl]
> Newsgroups: 1stone.archive,alt.culture.fil-am.relationships,
> alt.discussioni.intelligenti,alt.life.sucks,
> alt.life.universe.everything,alt.lifestyle.freethinkers,
> alt.lifestyle.furry,alt.modpol.discussion,alt.phil-oliver.has.no.life,
> alt.support.relationships.lo
> Subject: Is your friend a Nerd?
> Date: Sat, 13 Nov 1999 19:22:32 +0100
> Organization: XS4ALL Internet BV
> Lines: 127
> Message-ID: [80kavm$1lb$1...@news1.xs4all.nl]
> NNTP-Posting-Host: dc2-modem2598.dial.xs4all.nl
> X-Trace: news1.xs4all.nl 942518070 1707 194.109.138.38 (13 Nov 1999
> 18:34:30 GMT)
> X-Complaints-To: ab...@xs4all.nl
> NNTP-Posting-Date: 13 Nov 1999 18:34:30 GMT
> X-Priority: 3
> X-MSMail-Priority: Normal
> X-Newsreader: Microsoft Outlook Express 5.00.2314.1300
> X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V5.00.2314.1300
> Xref: news.fysh.org alt.lifestyle.furry:53714
WAKKO: What _is_ all that?
DR. Dat iss what we call ze 'message header.' It contains ze
information about who zent ze message, where it comess from, und
what it iss about.
WAKKO: [in the grip of existential despair] But what does it all
_mean?_
DR: [looks at the lines of text in increasing puzzlement, then
looks at the audience. He is clearly embarrassed] Actually, I
haff no idea...
[The WARNERS look at the audience; it is clear from their
sardonic expressions that they have a rather low opinion of the
DR's wisdom and knowledge.]
DR: Anyway, zat is not ze important part, Pleass to be sitting down
again und quietly reading ze message. [DOT raises her hand]
Yess, Dot?
DOT: I just wanted to say that it's a shame about Phil Oliver, isn't
it?
DR: [angrily] Quiet! Pleass!
> gabym...@hotmail.com
> !Help! My boy friend is a Nerd!
DOT: Like one of those little candies?
> I know, right now I am using the computer media to get your attention;
> unfortunately we passed the good old letter writing era.
YAKKO: Yeah, we passed it on our way over here.
DOT: I thought those tiny little desks were cute.
> But there is something that I want to tell and this media seems to get
> the most attention from nearly every spot in the world.
[The WARNERS are studiedly ignoring the screen, doing various
time-wasting activities. YAKKO yawns rather theatrically.]
> Yes, we do live in a world that is addicted to television, cable and
> yet, the giant internet is the most used media ever. Everybody uses
> it, nearly every household got one computer,
WAKKO: Do _we_ have a computer?
YAKKO: We don't even have a bathroom.
DOT: I've been meaning to talk to you boys about that.
> children can be educated
> starting at the year of 4 (a friend of mine is a teacher).
DR: [sotto voce] Not _all_ children...
> Our kids
> start early and when reaching the age of 10, they are complete
> familiar and can teach us the tricks.
YAKKO: [Standing next to a small table on which sits a magician's top
hat] Nothing up my sleeve... Presto! [Reaches into the hat and
pulls out WAKKO, who belches] Hey, we'll steal gags from
_anybody!_
> I do not think that computers are bad but I realize that this
> invention kills real communication and can be of great danger to
> relationships and to home, as well.
YAKKO: Yeah, I heard that computers can invade your house and eat away
at the foundations.
DOT: [melodramatically] Oh, the humanity!
> There are a lot of people who, in their leisure time, sit behind the
> computer, and some of them are still able to put it off after a
> certain period of time, let's say one or two hours. And a lot of
> people make money using the computer.
YAKKO: Hey, Doc, aren't we a bit young to be learning about "MAKE
MONEY FAST"?
DR: [musing to himself] Hmm... making money wiss ze compooter, eh?
WAKKO: I don't think I like this...
> Mainly, computer is being started when being at home and that is what
> I am referring to here. People purchase one, it is new, it is
> attractive.
DOT: It must be the extra-cute 'Dot' model.
YAKKO: Or an iMac.
DOT: [more melodrama] That's right. _Break_ my spirit!
> After the first little problems, people get familiar with it and new
> features are needed. Printer, scanner, camera, software, quicker,
> faster, better, not to mention computer games;
YAKKO: OK, we won't mention them.
DOT: You didn't put very much effort into that one.
YAKKO: Sorry, I got distracted. [points at WAKKO, who is making
balloon animals with a Polish sausage]
> addiction grabs around
> them.
DOT: [is standing in her seat as an amorphous monster grabs the air
around her.] HELP! HELP!
[WAKKO takes a giant mallet from behind his back and whacks the
monster with it, flattening it.]
YAKKO: Now if only it was that easy to quit smoking...
> However, I know what I am talking about, I sat playing games all night
> until my eyes went red and it got to late to go to bed.
WAKKO: I'll bet your mummy was mad at _you!_
> I still use
> the computer making money by translating Dutch and German.
DOT: Into what?
YAKKO: Usenet rants?
WAKKO: Could be...
> But I got
> over it pretty quick. Now, I am only using the computer when I am home
> alone and by friend is not in because I think it is asocial to stare
> at the screen him sitting on the sofa alone and bored.
DOT: Oh, your poor friend!
WAKKO: All alone and bored while you play on your computer!
DOT: We should get him a kitty!
[WAKKO produces a fully-grown African lion from behind his back.
It roars loudly, and everyone ducks behind their desks.]
DOT: [peeking out] Maybe not?
> So, computers have become part of home. And 'home-sweet-home' is
> fading away, at least those in which couples do live and in which one
> of them partners is what people call 'Nerd'.
DOT: [pointing at a nerdish-looking young man who has appeared at
one of the desks] NERD!
YAKKO: [patting him on the back to comfort him] Too bad about your
home fading away like that, kid.
WAKKO: Can he stay with us? I always wanted a nerd of me own!
> Maybe it is personal and
> I do hope that there are couples who do not have any problems
> whatsoever with one of them being a Nerd. There are a lot playing
> games together on one PC,
[The WARNERS are crowded together in front of the keyboard,
squabbling and fighting over who gets to use it.]
WARNERS: It's my turn!/No, it's mine!/Leave me alone!/I wanna play!
> and if
> they have more than one, whole families gather together for a good
> battle or for surfing on the net.
[Hawaii: YAKKO and WAKKO are on one surfboard, riding the face
of the wave; DOT is on the other. YAKKO and WAKKO are fighting
with those staves with the padded ends. Various oofing noises.
DOT is nonchalantly applying some lipstick. and admiring herself
in the mirror.]
> But then, it is still
> communicative, they do something together and their own spare time.
YAKKO: [back in class] 'Their own spare time' what?
> And there are others. Other couples, where one of them is not very
> interested in computers and who bathers a lot
WAKKO: Bathers?
DOT: [from inside stall shower] I'll be done in a min-ute!
> having the other one
> hanging in front of the PC while lying on the sofa waiting that this
> might end.
DR: [sotto voce] I know ze feeling...
> I happen to belong to one of them. As I told before, I
> mainly use the computer for word processing and internet does not gain
> my interest very much. If I do surf, I check the sites I am
> particularly interested in and that's it. No interest in further
> links, no interest in shopping, no interest in downloading whatever.
DOT: [flatly] My, what an inn-teresting person.
YAKKO: [striking chest] Makes you feel good right here just knowing
her.
DOT: Dr. Scratchansniff? If this lady isn't interested in the
Internet, why is she sending this message to all those
newsgroups she doesn't care about??
> Usually, after one hour, I am getting bored. You should know, I do
> work with computers at work so I am glad that, after my work, I can
> leave the computer behind.
WAKKO: [waving a computer madly at someone we can't see] Lady! Hey,
lady! You left this behind! [He drops his hand to his side.]
Awww, nuts! [He pops the computer into his mouth and swallows
noisily.]
> But I do suffer from having a partner who, since he started working as
> a helpdesk support agent and after having entered the computer world,
> is not being able to leave it behind.
YAKKO: Not since they installed those 'Severe Tire Damage' spikes.
> He manages even on Saturdays
> to first thing to do is starting the computer.
DOT: He should start the TV first. Then he could watch _me!_ [She
pirouettes cutely.]
[YAKKO and WAKKO make gagging motions.]
> First of all, I know it is a leisure to him and I don't want him to
> stop. But since a little while, our communication level is down to
> zero. While he is 'nerding', I am sitting or lying on the sofa,
> waiting for his promise to come true.
WAKKO: What promise?
DOT: Maybe he promised to take the doggy for a walk. [She is
holding a leash at the other end of which is an embarrassed-
looking elephant]
YAKKO: Or to take out the garbage. [There is a large smelly-looking
pile of garbage behind him]
WAKKO: Or to make a popsicle-stick skyscraper. [We see he is standing
next to one, or at least to the base of one; it sways
ominously.]
> "I just have to do this., only
> takes 5 minutes.' or ' OK, I stop'. But he isn't. After saying the
> latest, he is still going on for more than 5 minutes rather for
> another half an hour, no kidding.
YAKKO: I say lock him up!
DOT: And throw away the key!
[WAKKO takes a large skeleton key from behind his back and makes
a big show of swallowing it. He belches.]
YAKKO: So much for the right to appeal.
> When he and I am afraid lots of others, male or female, are behind the
> computers,
[It is dark; there is a hint of jungle in the background. The
WARNERS, in pith helmets, are sneaking up on something.
[We see that it's a computer. They peek over the monitor in
trepidation. Behind it are a number of computer-industry-looking
people, huddled together. One of them resembles Bill Gates, of
course.
[The WARNERS scream in terror. The people react with screams of
their own. Much overacting ensues.]
> they exclude everything. Reality does no longer exist, it
> does not even turn back when pausing for a human necessity.
[A door. We hear a toilet flush. WAKKO exits the door, looking
very pleased with himself.]
YAKKO: [to the audience] I think that's a bit _too_ real.
> You can
> talk to them, they even answer but it is as if you talk to someone
> sleeping, their eyes are open and they answer, but they are sleeping.
> Next morning, they don't remember.
WARNERS: [sitting behind computers, staring at the monitors, with twirly
hypnotised eyes] [in unison] Must... be... on... Internet...
Must... download... MP3s... Must... update... Outlook...
Express...
> Same here. For the person who is hoping that this will end soon and
> who don't want to be called 'nerving', it is very bad.
YAKKO: Doc? How long do we have to listen to this lady whine about her
boyfriend?
DR: Patience, young Yakko. It will end soon.
YAKKO: I hope so. I think my brain is going to sleep. [Looks over at
WAKKO, who is staring vacantly off into space.]
DOT: Oops!
> They are in reality, there are with the two of them with one not being
> there.
DOT: [working with concentration on a pocket calculator and adding
machine] Now wait a minute. Is that one person there or two?
YAKKO: Or both?
DOT: [screaming] Don't confuse me!
> It is for this person worse than loneliness, it is rather
> 'not existing'. Intimate situations get less and less, sex, what is
> this,
[DR whisks over to the WARNERS. With one motion he gathers them
together, ear to ear to ear, frantically covering their eyes
with his hands and arms.]
YAKKO: We can always tell when we get to the interesting parts.
DOT: [slightly indignant] Yeah, they're the parts we never get to
see!
> communication will be half consisting of computer talk. You
> will not being recognized. So you do still suffer.
YAKKO: [disgusted] We're suffering already.
[WAKKO is lying atop his desk, on his back. HELLO NURSE is
taking his pulse. Medical noises.
[WAKKO springs up, his eyes bugging out and turning into little
hearts; YAKKO joins him.]
BOTH: Hello, nurse!
[HELLO NURSE screeches, recoils and bolts, YAKKO and WAKKO
chasing after her.]
DOT: [harrumphing] Boys...
> When those computer maniacs come back to reality, they act as if
> nothing had happened, as if they weren't away for hours ignoring the
> other person's needs.
WAKKO: I need a baloney sandwich!
DOT: I need Mel!
YAKKO: I need better material!
DR: [sotto voce, trembling] I need a vacation...
> So what kind of home is that, where one is away, while in reality not
> being away, and the other one is hoping that he/she will come back
> soon?
WAKKO: A home alone?
DOT: A home for the holidays?
YAKKO: A home in Indiana?
DOT: [accusingly, to YAKKO] You've been reading movie guides again,
haven't you?
> I'd rather wish that all computers will be put in one public room so
> that all Nerds will be away from home. Their partners can be home,
> waiting or not waiting, longing to the moment that they come home.
DOT: [as Southern Belle, on the porch of a fin-de-siecle mansion]
Ah'm just waitin' foh the retuhn of mah beloved nehrd. Ah miss
him so, Ah could just die. Really Ah could!
> And when they return, they will return to a real home, not one where
> you are so lonely, where you feel so neglected and 'uncompfy'.
YAKKO: Now wait just a cotton-pickin' minute. When he's there she
feels lonely, but when he's away she doesn't?
WAKKO: I'm all confused again!
YAKKO: You and her both!
> No matter what your reaction is on coming home late, there will be
> real communication, you will be recognized, you will be touched and
> talk to.
WAKKO: By a _nerd?_
WARNERS: EWW!
> Why not having banned computers out of homes in order to preserve good
> old 'home-sweet-home' (of course only when there is one family member
> computer addicted?
[The WARNERS are standing in the outside doorway of a suburban
house. In unison, the point out the door. After a moment a
sad-looking computer passes by them, out of the house. It looks
up at the siblings pleadingly, but they close their eyes and
gesture peremptorily.]
YAKKO: I'm sorry. It's for the good of the family.
[The computer looks even more downcast as it hops away. DOT
sniffs away a tear.]
YAKKO: It's for the best.
WAKKO: [sobbing] I miss him already!
> Do you suffer from a Nerd? Does your relationship suffer? Reply.
> Suggestions? Any help for me? Reply.
YAKKO: [about to say something, but he stops with his mouth open]
Nahh. Too easy.
> As I said, I do check my mail!
> gabym...@hotmail.com
[Everyone is back in class. The WARNERS are in their seats, and
the DR is at his desk. The WARNERS look slightly frazzled.]
WAKKO: Is it over yet?
DR: Yess, it iss over. You did very well.
YAKKO: Do we have to go through this again?
DR: Well, it iss very difficult to avoid such thingss on ze
Internet. Ziss wass actually quite mild und rational compared to
zome off ze messages I haff read. I imagine you vill see many
more things like ziss as time goes by.
YAKKO: We will? [looks slightly panicky] Sibs? Meeting!
[The WARNERS go into a huddle. After some heated conversation we
can't quite hear, they break.]
YAKKO: Thanks but no thanks, Doc. We'll pass. Even _we're_ not _that_
wacky!
DOT: And besides, there's no 'alt.fan.mel-gibson' newsgroup! The
shame! Oh, the shame! [more overacting]
WAKKO: And I never got me fish!
[The WARNERS grab the DR and plant him hard atop the display.
They make their usual to-do about running off, and run up the
water tower, where they shut themselves in. A moment later,
WAKKO reopens the door, pulls out a computer, and ostentatiously
drops it to the ground. And he grabs the door by its edge and
slams it shut...]
[FADE TO BLACK]
> They are in reality, there are with the two of them with one not being
> there.