[MISTING] Shadow Stepping

[Melvin Harry Pollack]

Categories: AD, SR, TOON

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to MiSTing #6. Two posts this time. The
first one is a spam for a CD-ROM containing e-mail addresses so that you
can spam as well. The second is a Darkwing Duck fanfic that doesn't have
Darkwing Duck in it.

This time, I'm pulling all the stops. Half the yearly MST3K budget was
poured into this episode's special effects. The other half went into
guest stars. Risky? You bet. But I think you'll agree with me that it
was worth the 300 dollars.

As always, questions and comments go to mpol...@glue.umd.edu. Thank you
for your time.

Melvin "no .sig" Pollack....

Proudly resisting .sig files since 1993.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Season 9 - Opening Song]

[1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]

[Mike, Tom, and Crow are in their usual spots. Mike is using some sort of
VR device. Gypsy is in the background, looking at a computer terminal of
some sort.]

Tom: [Whispering] Good evening, and welcome to the Satellite of Love.
Crow: [Same] In case you're wondering, we're whispering because we're
preparing for a rescue mission. Here, I'll show you. Cambot, give me
Rocket Number Nine.

[Rocket 9. The satellite appears to have a Star Trek shuttle sticking out
of it.]

[SOL]

Tom: We're going to attempt to remove the shuttle from our hull and place
it inside the satellite. At the same time, we have to make sure that
neither the shuttle or the satellite suffers a core breach....
Gypsy: [Speaking normally] Mike, the Manos device is ready.
Crow, Tom: AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!!
Gypsy: Men. Sheesh.
Mike: All right, let's do it. Cambot, give me Rocket Number 9.

[Rocket 9. A pair of robot hands, similar to the device used in MST3K:
The Movie, starts moving toward the shuttle.]

Tom, Crow: [Back to whispering.] Careful, just a little farther.....

[Rocket 9. The hands are starting to remove the shuttle from the
satellite's side.]

Tom, Crow: Okay, just a little more. That's it.... [Mike begins to wipe
the sweat from his face.] Mike? MIKE!
Mike: Ack. [Moves hands back in front of him.] Whoops.
Crow: [Speaking normally] Uh, Tom. Do you think anyone will mind that
we're reusing material from "This Island Earth?"
Tom: [Same] Nah. It's all in good fun. But just in case.... [Turns to
camera] This is a reminder. Recycling works. Werehauser.
Crow: [Turns to camera] And with that public message, we'll be right
back.

[Commercials.]

[SOL. The shuttle is parked to the left of Cambot. Mike and the Bots are
standing to the right.]

Mike: We did it. Now, we just have to free the person inside it.
Crow: Allow me. [Walks behind the shuttle.] Let's see, I just fiddle
with the lock, like so, and.... Viola. It's open.
Tom: You know, we could do without the commentary.
Crow: Hey, there's a blond inside. She's coming around.... [Lets out a
girlie scream and runs to hide behind Mike.]
Mike: What? What is it?
Crow: [Peeks out behind Mike and points a shaking hand at the shuttle.
He lets out another girlie scream.]
Girl: Oh, Geez....
Tom: Please tell me I just hallucinated that voice.
Mike: Oh, God. No. It can't be....
[Girl "exits" from behind shuttle, holding her head. Fans of MUT3K will
recognize her as Marrissa Picard. Everyone else can bite me.]
MAFP: Oh, geez. Look at that damage. Dad's gonna have a fit over this.
And I just know he'll bring it up the first time I ask to borrow
the car.
Guys: AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
MAFP: [jolts upright, backing up to the shuttle. Quickly, she composes
herself.] Hi. Er, allow me to introduce myself. I'm....
Mike: [Hoarse whisper] Picard.
MAFP: Uh, yeah.
Tom: Marrissa Amber Flores Picard.
MAFP: Um... Yeah. Except you need to put my title in front of it....
Crow: Lt Cmdr on the Stargazer, Heir to the Throne of Essex, Kai of
Bajor, Spelling Bee Champion of the Universe, Soup of The Day,
Toast of the Town, and the Reincarnate of all Evil.
MAFP: Well, I've never been to Bajor.... Just who are you, anyway?
Tom: Oh, great. Now Martha and the Vandellas are calling.

[Castle Forrester.]

[Shuttles cover the floor of Castle Forrester. In the background, Bobo
can be seen talking to Jay Gordon and Alexander. Observer is arguing over
something with Clara Sutter and Shayna Sachs. Pearl is in the foreground.
She is flanked by Patterson Supra, who is wearing his typical military
uniform.]

Pearl: Mike, you've got to.... Mike? Mike Nelson?

[SOL. Only Marrissa is present.]

MAFP: Uh, they left.

[Castle Forrester. Everything is the same, except that Supra is now a
woman in a sequined gown.]

Pearl: I see. Well, when they get back....

[SOL. Mike & the Bots are behind Marrissa. They are wearing large
crosses and holding mallets and wooden stakes.]

MAFP: Hey, you're in luck. They just got in. [Gulps.] I'm going to
stand over there now. Over in the corner.

[Castle Forrester. Supra is once again a male in military uniform. The
only problem is that he's now Klingon.]

Pearl: Mike, I don't know if you've been aware of it, but something weird
is going on.

[SOL. The bots creep toward Marrissa, but jump away whenever she looks at
them.]

Mike: Really? Everything seems normal up at this end.

[Castle Forrester. Supra is now a Romulan female, but at least she's in
military uniform.]

Pearl: Oh, ha ha. Mike....
Observer: I say, I can't stand this anymore. Those two ditzes are
driving me up the wall....
Clara: Ditzes?
Observer: Only a complete idiot could enjoy himself in an environment
like this.
Bobo: [Laughing, arm around Gordon] Oh, boy. The stories these guys
know. We were just talking about his training session with....

[SOL]

MAFP: Damn it, you promised you wouldn't tell! Can you believe that.
Mike: [Holds back vomit.]
Tom: We agree with you. He shouldn't have said anything.
Crow: He really shouldn't have said anything. [Shudders.]
MAFP: That's the last time I ever go bungee jumping with you, Mr Gordon.
Guys: [Breathe sighs of relief.]

[Castle Forrester. Supra is a Cardassian male.]

Pearl: Will you stop that?
Supra: I'm trying!
Bobo: And then she gets tangled up in the cord so she starts
crying....
Observer: I'm all twisted in mirth. Why don't you go try bungee jumping
without a cord?
Bobo: Oh. So you *are* supposed to use a cord. Well, I'll be prepared
next time.
Clara: Anyway, I've figured out a way out of this. Just give me a minute
to send an article submission to an Engineering Magazine....
Observer: You've actually had articles published?
Clara: Well, it's not that hard. I mean think about it. How many
Engineers in the universe can actually write an English paragraph? 10?
15? If you have a calculator and a spell checker, they'll beg you
to write an article.
Pearl: While you guys are waiting, how about a good theatrical piece?
[Supra becomes an Orion female.]
Observer: Yes, your Usenet this week is actually a double feature. The
first one is a spam called "The TOOLS You Need." The second is a fanfic
called "Shadow Stepping." Enjoy.

[SOL.]

Tom: Do you think "he's" finally stopped shape shifting yet?
Crow: I hope so. Va, va, va, voom.
Tom: We really should get out more. [Shivers.]
MAFP: So, you're Mike Nelson, the red robot is Tom Servo, and the gold
robot is Crow. And none of you have ranks or titles?
Mike: That's right.
MAFP: I still don't recognize any of you.
Mike: Well, the fact of the matter is....
MAFP: You are kind of cute, though? Anyone ever tell you that?
Mike: [Suddenly Nervous] Well, I... Um, er thanks.... Um....
MAFP: [Sultrily.] So, what's YOUR Kobayashi Maru time?
Mike: Well, it's... I mean I don't.... Um.... Oh, we got posting sign!
All: [General Mayhem]
MAFP: What's posting sign? Hey, where's everyone going? Hey!

[6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]

>Received: from eros.zcu.cz (eros.zcu.cz [147.228.1.10])

Crow: Wow, Marrissa Picard. How did we wind up with this?

> by po1.wam.umd.edu (8.9.0.Beta6/8.9.0.Beta6) with ESMTP id

Tom: It must have been something we did in a past life.
Mike: I can't think of anything that bad.

> CAA08708

Mike: Well, except for the time I was a shepherd and....

> for <mpol...@wam.umd.edu>; Mon, 27 Apr 1998 02:34:41 -0400 (EDT)

Tom: Mike, we don't care.

>From: fri...@postmaster.co.uk

Crow: You've got a friend in Pennsylvania.
Tom: [Barney] Will you be my friend?
Mike: And because you're such a friend, we'll give you this Used Car for
the sticker price....
MAFP: Hi, guys.
Guys: AAUUGGHH!!!

>Received: from fenix.zcu.cz (fenix.zcu.cz [147.228.2.7])

Mike: River Fenix?
Crow: Fenix the Cat?
MAFP: You see, someone pumped all of the air outside, so I figured I
should probably be in here.

> by eros.zcu.cz (8.8.8/8.8.8) with ESMTP id IAA10183;

Crow: Eros? We're going Greek?
Mike: id? We're Doom-ed.
Tom: Marrissa, you mean to tell us that you can't survive in a vacuum?
MAFP: No. Not yet.

> Mon, 27 Apr 1998 08:30:59 +0200 (MET DST)

Mike: [Sighing] Take a seat.
MAFP: Thanks. [Moves along the row.]

>Received: from FENIX/SpoolDir by fenix.zcu.cz (Mercury 1.21);

Crow: OW! Be careful.
MAFP: Sorry. Didn't mean to step on your feet.

> 27 Apr 98 08:33:26 +0100

Mike: All right, everyone. Let's give her some room to walk.

>Received: from SpoolDir by FENIX (Mercury 1.21); 27 Apr 98 06:54:18 +0100

Tom: OW! Now you stepped on my feet!
Mike: Tom, you don't have feet.
Tom: Go ahead. Rub it in.

>Received: from fenix.zcu.cz by fenix.zcu.cz (Mercury 1.21);

Tom: [German voice] We're looking for a man in a new Mercury 1.21,
exactly like this one.

> 27 Apr 98 06:54:12 +0100

MAFP: [Sits to the left of Tom] So, what are we doing, exactly?
Mike: Well, we have to read through every line fed through the screen up
there. And then we make fun of it.

>Date: Mon, 27 Apr 98 00:33:55 EST

MAFP: Sounds like fun.
Tom: You've got to be kidding me.
Crow: Next thing she tells us is that there's a group of people who write
stories just so they can do this sort of stuff.
Mike: Now, now. She hasn't done this for 9 years. Show her Hobgoblin,
and then ask her if it's fun.

>To: any...@juno.com

MAFP: So, we're supposed to point out that these people aren't too
particular.
Tom: Close, but try to put a funny spin on it.
Crow: Point out that they're trying to contact someone on one of
Jupiter's moons.

>Subject: The TOOLS You need to get the Job Done....

Mike: Crow, don't say anything unless you can make it clean.
Crow: I don't think it's possible.
Tom: I'm sure it is, but I just can't think of anything.
MAFP: Uh.... Damn it, there MUST... BE... A... WAY!
Tom: Not bad. Now do Spock.

>Message-ID: <56BB1...@fenix.zcu.cz>
>
>Hello Fellow Marketer,

ALL: Greetings.
MAFP: Is that anything like Mouseketeers?
Tom: No, Marketers distort certain truths for the sole purpose of making
money and moving products.... Hey, maybe there is a Disney link.
Crow: And now we can all sit back with the knowledge that we'll get sued
for that riff.

>
>We have everything you need to

Mike: Succeed?

> promote your online
>business and target your advertising!!

Tom: And after we vaporize your advertising with a rocket launcher, we'll
let you pay us in monthly installments.
MAFP: Did the original recipient even HAVE an online business?
Crow: You don't think these guys cared, do you?

>
>The "Master Marketers Resource CD."

Mike: Now at Tower Records.
Crow: [Torgo.] ThE mArKeTeR wIlL nOt Be PlEaSeD.

>
>This CD has over 20 Million categorized and targeted
>email addresses!!

MAFP: Doesn't sound like easy listening.
Tom: The Techno music genre has gone too far.

> Targeted email addresses are by far
>the most expensive...

Crow: Which is why we're telling you all about them.

> but for a limited time, we are
>offering the Master Marketers Resource CD for $169.00

Tom: Is that anything like Masters of the Universe?
MAFP: It allows you to decide who lives and who dies.
Crow: Remember. I get first dibs.

>
>Do not be mistaken...

Tom: This is a spam like no other.

> this offer is not like any other
>you have received.

Mike: So, we should be happy it's unique spam.

> We have seen randomly gathered
>email address CD's selling for as much as $249.00

Mike: We were just minding our own business, and there they were.
MAFP: What do Computer CDs sell, anyway?

>Just one I received today was offering 15 million for
>$149.95...

Tom: How many addresses do you need anyway?
Crow: The first rule of Internet Marketing is to annoy as many people
as possible.

> and the addresses were mostly AOL!!

Tom: So why bother with people who are already used to paying for
Internet access and online ads? You should try people who get on the
Internet for free and hate online ads.
Crow: Why are we putting your lives in danger? Because we care.

> They
>were not targeted... categorized... nothing! Just
>15 million email addresses of who knows what.

MAFP: Wait a second. This e-mail was sent to a person who doesn't plan
to do marketing in the immediate future. How targeted can their
disk be?
Mike: Try not to use logic. You'll feel better.
Tom: You know. Like following the Naklab Treaties.
MAFP: Oh, I understand what you're.... Hey!
Bots: [Laugh.]

>
>We also have AOL addresses on the Master Marketers
>Resource CD... but they are only a small part of it.

Mike: I guess even spammers hate AOLers.
Crow: Sad, really.

>We also have addresses of; Business Opportunity Seekers,

Tom: Would you like to make money fast?

>Adult Web Site Subscribers (this list alone is over
>100,000 addresses

Crow: And I take it out often and fantisize.
Mike: Keep this up and I'll take your supply of RAM chips for today.

> - we sell this list alone for $250.00

MAFP: We also have a list of people on Adult Web Sites....
Mike: I'll be happy to take your RAM chips too, young lady.
MAFP: What's a RAM chip?
Mike: Forget it. Just forget it.

>but it is included on this Resource CD), Investors,

Tom: We even have addresses you can get by looking at ads for Mutual
Funds. Isn't it worth the price.

>E-Mail addresses sorted by city,

Tom: Imagine if you could annoy an entire city at once.
Mike: You will. And the company that brings you the technology will be
Consumer Connections.
MAFP: Who?
Crow: Oh, you peeked, didn't you.

> General consumer
>lists, those interested in Health...

Crow: Probably shouldn't use this CD.

> and many more!

MAFP: We even have a couple of Web Addresses that really exist.

>Make no mistake!!...

ALL: Do not reply to this message.

> this is by far the best collection
>of email addresses available anywhere.
>

Crow: Some people just aren't satisfied with stamps.

[Commercials.]

>In all...

Tom: [Announcer] ... the world, there can be only one.... Highlander!

> there are 11 categories of targeted email
>addresses.

Tom: Not Interested. Definitely Not Interested. Will Remove Your Head
if They Ever Find You....
Crow: Greedy, Horny, Gullible....
MAFP: AOLers, Techie Nerds....
Mike: Web Magazine Owners, Fan Boys, and Other Spammers.
MAFP: I'll be damned. 11 categories.

> We have also included a remove/undeliverable
>list that's over 100 meg in size!!

ALL: ??????
Crow: So that would be a list of addresses that don't exist?
Mike: You can buy THAT list separately for $195.

> We have already
>cleaned the addresses on the Master Marketer Resource
>CD using

Tom: Lemon Pine-Sol.

> this massive remove file... they are ready to
>mail right now.

MAFP: All clean and shiny. But we have to mail them RIGHT NOW or break
the chain.
Crow: Are they mailing the remove file or the Master List?
Mike: Yes.

>
>
>As A Special Bonus...

Tom: You get these special steak knives absolutely free.

>
>In addition to the email addresses...

Crow: You get this lovely toothbrush duster.
Mike: Now how much would you pay?

> we have also included
>on the CD

MAFP: An all new Barry White track.
Guys: Yaaaayyyyy!!!!!

> over 30 CGI Scripts

Crow: Does that mean that these items are above the CGI Scripts.
Tom: Maybe it's an Out-of-CD experience.
MAFP: I think you guys are stretching it.
Mike: That's our job, ma'am.

> (one will hide where your
>mail is being sent to on your forms - must have for
>taking orders).

MAFP: So for my crew members to follow orders, they first have to have
their mailboxes hidden?
Mike: No, no. What they mean is that to receive an order, you have to
hide your e-mail address so that nobody knows where to send your
order forms.
Crow: Everybody got that?

> There are forum scripts,

Tom: So your web browser will act like it's from ancient Rome.

> chat scripts and

Crow: Is that anything like a sitcom script?
Mike: I was thinking more like talk radio.

>just about any other cgi script you will ever need.

Tom: To know.
MAFP: But were afraid to ask.

>
>We have also included over 50 java scripts!

MAFP: Were they stolen or just useless?
Mike: Yes.

> Many are
>scripts for adding rotating banners to your site, adding
>scrolling ticker and marque messages and scripts that password
>protect a page on your web site.

Crow: Others are not.
Tom: Why would you want an applet that rotates banners, uses a scrolling
ticker, and password protects itself, anyway?

>
>We have also included demos of

Mike: Quake II.

> over 15 of the top bulk
>email programs on the Internet.

Tom: In case you wanted to send e-mail messages 15 times.
Crow: I'm guessing they won't be able to fit Quake II after that.
MAFP: Too bad.

> Stealth, Rapid Fire, NetContact

Crow: Then again, they just might.
MAFP: You know, I've done pretty well in Quake games. I have a 21 minute
play time on most levels. They say the par is lasting only 2 minutes.
Tom: Actually, you're supposed to complete the level in less than 2
minutes.
MAFP: Oh. [Pause] I knew that.

>and many more! We have also included demo's of email address
>harvesters

Mike: They're in season now.

> like Hurricane,

Crow: Getting e-mail spam. Blame it on El Nino.
MAFP: Can a Quake level actually be completed in less than two minutes?
Mike: Not unless you're omnipotent.

> Grabber and Atomic Harvestor that

Tom: Level entire cities.
MAFP: By omnipotent, you mean using cheat codes?
Mike: No, I mean unless the player is truly omnipotent.

>let you extract fresh email addresses

Mike: Sort of like Vanilla.
Tom: [Ed McMahon] Vanilla extract. Huh, huh.
MAFP: What if you're halfway there?
Crow: Will you shut up about the Quake level times?!?

> out of forums and
>web pages.

Tom: [Whispering] He's upset because his average is 35 minutes.
MAFP: Oh.

>
>There is much more on the CD than we can go into on a short
>letter like this one

Crow: Short compared to what? War and Peace?

> (there is over 10 html editors, over
>200 marketing reports and more).

Tom: Most of the CD is useless junk, but what the hell.

> In all...

MAFP: [Guy] I suck.
Mike: [Warningly] Marrissa....
Tom: I think she meant the slang term for being unable to do something.
MAFP: You mean there's actually a slang term.... Er, uh, yeah. That's
what I meant. The slang term. Sure.
Mike: Oh. I knew that. Radical.
Bots: [Shake their heads.]

> in addition to
>the bulk email and html editors... there is over 20 of the
>top software programs on the Internet.

Tom: Which we pirated.
Mike: Isn't that an unfair accusation?
Tom: He didn't say they were freeware or shareware. And I don't think
you can distribute commercial software or demos in this manner.
Mike: Good point.

> From programs that
>keep you connected to the Internet...

MAFP: Isn't that a telnet program.
Mike: No, he means programs that keep you from being kicked off after you
break every law of netiquette in the book.

> to programs that let
>you accept checks online!

Crow: I already accept that broads should get online.
MAFP: Broads?
Tom: He said checks. Not chicks.
MAFP: Chicks?

>
>You will save hours (if not weeks) in

Mike: Social life time, since nobody will go out with you after they find
out you've been spamming.

> download time as we have

Crow: Also included X-rated pictures....
Mike: [Covers Crow's mouth.]

>included the top shareware and freeware programs available

MAFP: With "sexy" and truly available models to....
Tom: [Head-butts Marrissa's arm.]
MAFP: Ow. Hey.
Mike: Thanks, Tom.

>anywhere.

Tom: Any time.
Crow: I didn't think her comment was that bad.
Tom: It wasn't. But if you think that I'm going to pass up a chance to
hit Marrissa Picard....
MAFP: What?
Tom: Nothing, nothing. [Starts whistling.]

>
>If you are serious about making money on the Internet...

All: We pity you.

> you
>must have the Master Marketers Resource Cd!

Mike: Otherwise, your intelligence would be too high to be a spammer.
Tom: If he knows we must have the CD already, why is he marketing it to
us again?

> There is nothing
>like it currently available!

Crow: Even though we basically just copied a bunch of already available
programs.

>
>If you are ready to target your advertising...

Tom: I'd like to target you. In gunner's sights.
MAFP: You know, I think I'm getting the hang of this.

> you can order
>the Master Marketers Resource CD by completing the form

MAFP: In fact, I could probably join the group.
Tom: [Sarcastic] It's just what we always wanted.

>below. Don't miss out...

Mike: Be a sucker now.
MAFP: Hey! Why don't I become the leader. I mean, you said you don't
have one, and I've got experience.
Crow: You want an answer?

> we are only selling a limited number

MAFP: Besides, you must respect me. How else would you know everything
about me?
Guys: [Leave the theater.]

>of the Master Marketer Resource CD's. In order to preserve the

MAFP: You must have read my autobiography. Despite being from another
dimension. Boy, when the Publisher said they'd market it to every
possible segment, they meant.... Hey? Where did everybody go?

>quality of the addresses, this offer may be withdrawn at anytime.
>

MAFP: Oh. Hang on. [Turns to screen.] That would be such a tragedy.
[Turns to doors.] I'm coming. [Exits theater.]

[1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]

[MAFP is browsing a computer at the right of the screen. At the left, Tom
and Crow are talking to Mike, who is offscreen.]

Crow: Mike, we've got to stop her.
Tom: Somebody has got to lessen that swelled head before she starts
forwarding her mail here.
Mike: Don't worry, I'll talk to her.
MAFP: Oh, this looks interesting. Past mission files.
Mike: [Comes in, wearing a rain slick.] Just in case.
Crow: Good idea.
Tom: Don't know how many cases of Strawberry juice she smuggled on board.
Mike: Marrissa, we need to talk.
MAFP: Not now, I've got to look over these files if I want to be your new
leader. Hmm. There are a lot of files. Where should I start....
Mike: Actually, that's what I wanted to talk about. You see, first of
all, we don't need a leader....
Crow: How about "Enterprized"?
Mike: Uh, I don't think we should just spring it on her like that.
MAFP: Hey, "Enterprised." Not a bad idea. If this thing got any more
stars, I'd have to salute it.
Tom: Trust us, you should definitely look at that episode.
MAFP: Let's see. Get the text mode.... Do a quick read.... Oh, wow.
This is awful. This is horrible. This is... familiar....
Mike: Before you read that, there's something you have to know....
MAFP: Shhh. I'm trying to read. Uh-huh. [Pause] Uh-huh. [Pauses,
then shoots Mike and the Bots a look that you never want to see in the
eyes of any woman.]
Mike: I guess I'd better come out and say it. We've watched pretty much
you life story in that theater.
Crow: And hated it.
Tom: Your life is sort of the yardstick for how we define awful.
MAFP: [Obviously Indignant.] You've watched my life story? And you've
made fun of it? How could you?!?
Crow: It was amazingly easy, actually.
Tom: We think the later stories may have been designed partly for that
purpose.
MAFP: I created the Kids Crew! I made a difference. And you ridiculed
it?
Mike: Well, actually the Kids Crew was something we had a little trouble
with.
Crow: Mike, stop sugarcoating it. It was the dumbest idea in Star Trek
since.... Well, since "Disaster."
Tom: I mean, think about it. Place a bunch of unexperienced,
still-maturing kids into a complex and highly stressful adult
roles? What was Starfleet smoking when they decided to place kids
into danger?
MAFP: Well, there was this increase in Cocaine use.... Hey! Are you
saying that the Kids Crew was a bad idea.
Crow: We have comprehension, ladies and gentlemen.
MAFP: And nothing impressed you? Not my battles? Not my attempts at
emotional growth and dealing with my parents death?
Guys: [Start laughing uncontrollably.]
MAFP: Will you stop that! All right, so you watched my life.... [Pause]
Uh, I was kind of curious. I'm guessing that you saw an episode
where I helped Chelsea Clinton back on her feet.
Mike: You mean "The Only Constant"?
MAFP: [Gulps as the guys nod.] You didn't happen to see a [cough]
swimming scene, did you?
Guys: [Making gagging noises.]
Mike: Yeah, we caught it.
Crow: Thanks for reminding us about it. I just stopped having nightmares.
Tom: I believe that scene made us what we are today. Scarred for life.
MAFP: [Embarrassed] Oh, God. [Struggles to gain her composure.] Well, I
guess you'll need some emotional growth before I can lead you
effectively....
Mike: Emotional growth? I think you need some growth in intelligence.
Crow: All right, Mike!
Tom: Tell her off!
MAFP: Now wait a minute!
Mike: No, you wait a minute! I think it's time you understood. We don't
respect you, we don't think anything of your kiddie adventures, and we
don't think you're worthy of leading a cargo ship, let alone this
satellite.
Bots: All right! Get her!
Mike: And do you know why? Because nobody in this universe thinks that
you did anything that wonderful or spectacular. You just go around
collecting titles without deserving them. Well, the line must be drawn
here! What do you have to say about that? Huh?!?
Bots: Whoo-hoo. That's telling her, Mike!
MAFP: I.... [Begins to sob.] I.... Oh, God! [Begins crying.]
Crow: Oh, way to go Nelson.
Tom: Why don't you pick on somebody your own size, you big bully?
Mike: I was... I... Oh, boy.
MAFP: Oh, why was I born? Why?
Mike: Look, Marrissa. Things aren't that bad. I mean, it's not like
your the joke of the Universe. [Marrissa begins to calm down.] Well,
it's not like you're the only joke of the Universe.
MAFP: [Begins to cry harder.]
Tom: You just insulted a child at the height of her puberty years.
Really great psychology technique, Mike.
Crow: So, tell me. Were you born this insensitive or did you have to
work at it?
Mike: I was just... Uh, we'll be right back. Oh, boy.

[Commercial Bumper. Marrissa's crying can be heard.]

[Commercials.]

>------------------------------------------------------------

All: [Enter Theater.]
Mike: You're sure you're all right.
MAFP: [Sniffling] Yeah, I'll be okay. And don't worry, I'll just leave
as Clara's ready.

>Please note: Most of the software on the CD is shareware. If

Crow: No hard feelings?
[A liquid of some sort falls on Mike and the Bots but misses Marrissa.]
MAFP: None.

>you like it... buy it. We have included the programs because

Crow: Can I kill her? Tell me I can kill her.
Mike: Well, we read the stories. I think we all saw that coming.

>we feel most are pertinent to Internet marketing.

Tom: But look at me! The strawberry juice is staining me red!
Mike: Tom, you were already red.

>-----------------------------------------------------------

Tom: Oh, sure. Why don't you rub it in?

>
>"You can buy from the REST or you can buy from the BEST." Your choice.
>

MAFP: You convinced us. We'll go elsewhere.
Mike: Like the guys who wrote all of the original stuff.

>
> >>> NOW ONLY $169.00!

Tom: Plus all the money for each Shareware program.
Crow: Oh, you're supposed to give them money. [Pause] I wondered why
Doom was so cheap.

>
>This price is effective for the next seven days, thereafter the price

Mike: Will be ineffective?

>will be $199.00 so ORDER NOW!

Tom: Operators are standing bored out of their wits.
MAFP: I don't doubt it.

>
>To order our email package, simply print out the EZ ORDER FORM

Crow: Isn't "EZ Order Form" a rap group?

>below and fax or mail it to our office today.
>
>We accept Visa, Mastercard, Discover, Checks by Fax and Mail.
>

MAFP: [Announcer] We also accept anyone with a dress and a pulse....
Mike: Marrissa.
MAFP: ... to come in and order our product.
Tom: Nice save.
Crow: I've done better.

>_________________
>EZ Order Form
>

Tom: [Deep voice.] DC 101. Classic rock.

>
>_____Yes!

All: [Singing] We have no bananas.

> I would like to order

Mike: Some Chinese food.

> the Master Marketers Resource CD
> Email addresses and much, much more for only $169.00.

Tom: And my sanity.

>
>
>*Please select one of the following for shipping..
>
>____I would like to receive my package OVERNIGHT.

MAFP: I just wrote a "Make Money Fast" post and I've got to send it NOW!

> I'm including

Tom: My still-beating heart, as promised.
Mike: Feeling dark, Tom?
Tom: Just a little.

>$15 for shipping. (outside US add an additional $25 for shipping)

Crow: I'm including $50 for you to ship out.

>
>____I would like to receive my package 2 DAY delivery. I'm including
>$10 for shipping. (outside US add an additional $25 for shipping)
>
>

MAFP: So, there's no way to send it by regular parcel post.
Mike: [Church lady.] Isn't that conveeeeenient.

>DATE_____________________________________________________

Mike: Quickfire.
Crow: Quite often.
Tom: When I'm not too busy.
MAFP: Yes, please.
Mike: Soon, I hope.

>
>NAME____________________________________________________

Mike: Quickfire.
Tom: Louis Fassbinder.
Crow: Amanda Hugginkiss.
MAFP: Uh... Yrev Cinorom.
Mike: Crazy Eddie.

>
>COMPANY NAME___________________________________________

Tom: Quickfire.
Crow: Evil Co.
MAFP: Tpurknab.
Tom: Wesayso Corporation.
Mike: Microsoft.
Tom: We already did Evil Co., Mike.

>
>ADDRESS_________________________________________________

Crow: Quickfire.
Mike: Gettysburg.
Tom: State of the Union.
MAFP: Um.... Pass.
Crow: Constitutional.

>
>CITY, STATE, ZIP___________________________________________

Tom: City of Angels.
Mike: State of Confusion.
MAFP: [Singing.] ZIP - a - de - doo - da.

>
>PHONE NUMBERS__________________________________________

Crow: We need some desperately.

>
>FAX NUMBERS_____________________________________________

Mike: [Friday] Just the fax, ma'am.
MAFP: That was horrible.
Crow: He does that a lot.

>
>EMAIL ADDRESS___________________________________________

Tom: But your CD.... Already has all the e-mail addresses....
AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

[Commercials.]

>
>

MAFP: [Announcer] We are currently experiencing technical difficulties
and will repair the matter shortly.
Mike: Hey, don't hurry on our account.

>
>TYPE OF CREDIT CARD:
>
>______VISA _____MASTERCARD ______AMEX

Tom: [Preacher] And let us say, amex.
ALL: Amex.

>
>CREDIT CARD# __________________________________________

Crow: 151-25....
Mike: Give me back by credit card.

>
>EXPIRATION DATE________________________________________

Crow: June....
Mike: Give it back, now.
Tom: Oh, come on, Mike. Let him have his fun.

>
>NAME ON CARD___________________________________________

Crow: Michael J. Nel.... [Mike reaches over and grabs card.] Hey!
Mike: Thank you.
Tom: Spoilsport.

>
>AMOUNT $____________________
>

MAFP: Does this happen often?
Mike: It's the downfall of being the only person on the station that
makes money.
MAFP: Wait a second. If you're being held prisoner by the Mads, how do
you make money?
Crow: Uh, fast?
Tom: It's just something we can't explain. Just sit back and relax.

>
>(Required) SIGNATURE:x________________________

Tom: What if you've been proudly resisting signature files since 1993?
Mike: Tom, what did I say about breaking the fourth wall?
MAFP: So, you're supposed to sign an email?
Crow: It makes the screen messy, but it's worth it.

>
>DATE:x__________________

MAFP: Didn't we just do this?
Mike: It's starting over.
ALL: AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

>
>
>You may fax your order to us at: 1-704-784-5595
>

Tom: Oh, may I? Thank you, benevolent one.

>CHECK BY FAX SERVICES!

Mike: What the hell does that mean?
Crow: [Announcer] LOOK AROUND THE FAX SERVICES CENTER, OR ELSE!
MAFP: Hey, my lost earring. Checking by fax services was a great idea.
Crow: THANK YOU! IT CAN WORK FOR YOU IN THE AUDIENCE AS WELL!

>
>If you would like to fax a check, paste your check below and fax it to
>our office along with all forms to: 1-704-784-5595

Tom: All this just to support my check faxing hobby.
Mike: Better stick to underwear collecting.

>
>******************************************************
>
>***24 HOUR FAX SERVICES*** PLEASE PASTE YOUR
>
>CHECK HERE AND FAX IT TO US AT 1-704-784-5595
>
>
>*******************************************************

MAFP: The hell?
Mike: I guess you had to paste your check somewhere.
Crow: How nice of them to give you the space of half a check.

>
>If You fax a check,

Tom: You are even dumber than you look.

> there is no need for you to send the original check.

MAFP: We've already taken as much as we need thanks to your credit card
information provided by you even if you sent a check.
Mike: Isn't that a little harsh?
Crow: You didn't see a space that said "Pay by check instead of card."
Mike: Good point.

>We will draft up a new check, with the exact information from your
>original check. All checks will be held for bank clearance.
>

Tom: All 10 checks that we developed thanks to your signature, the info
on the faxed checks, and our crack team of forgers.

>If you feel more comfortable sending payment through the mail,

Crow: [Announcer] Then you must be an AOLer. Get out of here, now!
MAFP: You know, we really shouldn't attack AOLers.
Mike: I know that.
Tom: You know that.
Crow: But apparently someone forgot to tell Mr "We don't have AOL
addresses" Announcer.

>please send all forms and Check or Money Order to:

Tom: The Outer Reaches of Hell, where these guys are currently located!
Mike: Tom....
Tom: Damn it, I'm tired of these spammers and these spamming tools! I
want justice! Do you hear me?!?
MAFP: Wow, I never saw a robot hyperventilate before.

>
>CONSUMER CONNECTIONS

Mike: What did I tell you?
Crow: Hey, you did peek. I'm telling.

>10223-B UNIV. CITY BLVD. #197

MAFP: Does he hyperventilate often?
Crow: Pretty much.

>CHARLOTTE, NC 28213
>

Crow: Yep, another day, another spam.
Mike: Let's get out of here.

[Commercials.]