MiSTied: Uncanny X-Men #338 <part 1/2>

[TCurryFan]

[Season 6 Theme Song]

[Fade in to the Satellite Of Love's bridge. Crow T. Robot is behind a
table littered with comic books of all kinds. Tom Servo is on top, comics
piled helter-skelter around his hoverskirt. Mike Nelson stands nearby,
examining an issue of Chaos! Comics' Lady Death, his face a constantly
changing mask of fascination, fear, and revulsion.]

CROW: You are SUCH a loser, Servo. I don't understand how you can read
those things anymore!

TOM: Crow, you don't even know what you're talking about. Comic books
are a special artistic medium.

CROW: Special like _Manos_ is a VERY special kind of movie- crappy!

TOM: Arrrrrgh... Surely you wouldn't think to condemn the whole for the
sins of only some? For every Youngblood, there's three issues of Neil
Gaiman's Sandman and the Books of Magic. For every piece of crass,
illiterate commercial dreck like Spawn, Razor, and Heros Reborn, there's a
shining, innovative gem like Strangers in Paradise, the Tick, and Untold
Tales of Spider-Man!

CROW: Sorry, Tom. When gangrene sets in, you amputate the limb to
prevent spreading.

[Tom gasps - nay, chokes - with shock]

CROW: The industry is full of corrupt, no-talent hacks who churn out
uncreative material based on the lowest common denominator of what was
commercially successful last week, wrapped up in a pretty package.
Mediocrity is fed to the masses and THEY EAT IT! Another all-Extreme
Studios crossover must not be allowed to happen, whatever the price.

TOM: [falters slightly, then comes back in full force] I agree with you
there... But I won't forsake creativity over general association! Mike!
Talk some sense into this intemperate zealot!

MIKE: [has forsaken Lady Death and is perusing a Batman book] Don't
look at me, Tommy, I'm not going to get involved in this one. The issue
of the state of the comics buisiness is a heavy subject, and I'm just not
interested in that. I will say that I used to enjoy the X-Men books so
much more in the '80s, I miss Chris Claremont; the Morlocks, and the old
Hellfire Club. [shrugs and turns the page] It's only comic books.

TOM: Suuuure, sit comfortably on that fence of yours while THIS MAN
[twists abrubtly in Crow's direction and quivers] preaches extremist
measures! [to Crow] Anything to say for yourself, Dr. Frederic Wertham,
Jr.?

CROW: Ooooh, them's fightin words, domehead.

TOM: Come and get it, beakface.

[Mads light starts flashing]

MIKE: Face front, guys. Beautiful Dreamer and Ape are calling. [Mike
pushes the button, 'Bots pay no attention and continue arguing]

[Doctor Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank appear on the viewscreen]

[Deep 13]

DR. F: Good afternoon, Tessa. Well, well, what have you there? [Doctor
Forrester squints his beady eyes and leans forward] Is that the Top Cow
Swimsuit Special? [clicks tongue] Getting lonely up there, Nelson?

[SOL]

MIKE: [Blushes and thrusts the comic behind his back] It's - uh - it's
just the cover. I use it to disguise issues of Power Pack, so the 'Bots
don't know what I'm really reading.

['Bots are still bickering, Tom Servo's arms are flailing uselessly in
frustration]

[Deep 13]

FRANK: Power Pack?! I used to love that book! [Frank chuckles quietly
and gazes off into space] Those kids got into the WACKIest adventures...
Remember when Jack and Katie were chasing after those bad guys, and Katie
had to go to the bathroom? Hahahahahahah- OW! Steeeeeve, whu'd 'ou do
dat for? [Pouts and holds nose]

DR. F: Quiet, booby. We've got something special for our subjects today.

Nelson, do you and your little friends have many... MARVEL books up there?
[Forrester grins maliciously]

[SOL]

MIKE: Ummmmm... [Shifts uncomfortably] Well, not many dated after 1990
or '91.

[Deep 13]

DR. F: There's an excellent reason for that, one which you'll be
wretchedly aware of for the duration of today's experiment; Uncanny X-Men
#338. [Forrester wrings his hands] May BOB introduce you to whole new
levels of deep hurting. Push the button, Frank.

FRANK: [Flipping through Power Pack #25] I wonder why Silver Surfer and
the Fantastic Four haven't run into the Snarks or Kymellians...

DR. F: PUSH IT, FRANK!

FRANK: [Frank flinches and drops his comic] Yes, Queen Mother Maraud.
[Frank pushes the button, just before Forrester brains him with a huge
rubber mallet]

[SOL]

ALL: AHHHHH!!! WE GOT COMIC BOOK SIGN!!!

*... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

[Mike and the 'Bots enter the theater]

CROW: Well, here we go, guys...

> Uncanny X-Men #338
> "A Hope Reborn, A Past Reclaimed"

TOM: A Bridge Too Far
MIKE: A Passage To India

> Featuring the Uncanny X-Men!
> A Stan Lee Presentation
> Scott Lobdell: writer

TOM: Hey didn't he used to be a stand-up comic?
CROW: Yeah.
MIKE: So now he's a comics comic!
TOM: They're not "comics" they're _graphic_novels_!

> Joe Maduriera with Salvador Larocca: pencils
> Tim Townsend with Vince Russell: inks

TOM: Any relation to Pete Townsend?
MIKE: Yeah, but Pete hasn't heard from him in awhile.
TOM: Owww...

> Richard Starkings & Comicraft/kF: letters
> Steve Buccellato & Team Bucce!: colors
> Bob Harras: editor & chief

CROW: I'll bet Anita Hill hates this guy.
MIKE: No, that's "harass".
TOM: Oh, I know, he owns a hotel in Vegas.
MIKE: No, that's "Harrah's".

> (Angel is on the floor of a room in his apartment; both he and the room
> are looking rough)
> He was NAMED after his father ... and his FATHER'S father, before him.

CROW: And his father's father's FATHER. And his father's father's-
MIKE: Enough.

> WARREN KENNETH WORTHINGTON III was born into a LIFE of PRIVILEGE. While

> it's generally accepted that money CAN'T BUY happiness

TOM: Who started that silly rumor?
MIKE: Trent Reznor?

> -- his family fortune seemed DESTINED to insure a lifestyle RELATIVELY
> FREE of unnecessary hardships.

[all do Robin Leach accents]
TOM: But full of swanky parties, casual sex, fast cars, expensive
champagne...
MIKE: ...people who call you "sir", chalets in Vail, parties catered by
Wolfgang Puck...
CROW: ...at least three loveless marriages, children named Buffy and
Chip you barely know, and support to the Republican party!

> OBVIOUSLY ... it HASN'T WORKED out that way.

CROW: I guess NOT.
TOM: Are they gonna keep shouting like that?
CROW: I THINK SO.
TOM: Aaah!

> OZYMANDIAS: And STILL you struggle?

TOM: "Ozymandias"?
Mike: It's Ozzie Menendez! The third Menendez brother!
CROW: [cowboy accent] Get a rope.

> ANGEL: W-who ... are you..?

CROW: Can't you read? It's "Ozymandias"
TOM: I wonder if he's any relation to Cameron Diaz?

> OZYMANDIAS: A name would mean NOTHING to you.

MIKE: Yeah, what's in a name?

> It is ENOUGH for you to KNOW ... I serve HE who was once EN SABAH NUR.
>
> ANGEL: APOCALYPSE?!

TOM: No, EN SABAH NUR. Boy, this guy can't read OR hear!

> OZYMANDIAS: Over the CENTURIES, I have QUESTIONED the High Lord's
> wisdom. I have PUZZLED over his FASCINATION with PARTICULAR mutants he
> chose to focus his attention on.

CROW: Saaayyyyy...

> But you... you are the one over whom I ARGUED with the DARK LORD --

MIKE: [while TOM does deep breathing] "Luke, I AM your father!"

> When he DEEMED you WORTHY of SURVIVAL. I SEE now ... I was WRONG.
> You ARE a survivor, Angel.

TOM: [singing] "The eye of the ti-ger!"

> ANGEL: angel?

TOM: How did a guy THIS slow on the uptake ever make it as an X-Man?

> OZYMANDIAS: Just as Apocalypse always CLAIMED you were. MORE'S the
> pity.

TOM: Actually, I think Moore's a babe! [growwl]
CROW: I loved her in _Striptease_!
[Mike & Tom look at Crow]
CROW: Not that I saw _Striptease_... Heh...

> ANGEL: W-why..? My GUTS...

MIKE: [as in Pepto Bismol commercial] In-di-ges-tion...

> on FIRE ...

TOM: Try Cruex.
MIKE: [singing] "Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire!"

> Wh--s HAPPENING t'me..?

MIKE: [as Angel] Lsing vwels... TLKING in ALL CPS... sl'ring wrds...

> OZYMANDIAS: You recall your TRANSFORMATION into ARCHANGEL

ALL: [as Sally Struthers] Sure, we all do!

> -- the metal-winged Horseman known as DEATH?

MIKE: Death? I love that comic!
TOM: It's a-
MIKE: I know, I know... A graphic novel.
TOM: Actually, it was a couple of limited series.

> That was ONLY the beginning. Know this, o little mutant --

MIKE: [singing] "Of Bethlehem / How still we see thee lie..."

> The man who turns KINGS into SLAVES...

TOM: Lower case words into ALL CAPS...

> who takes away the GIFT of vision and replaces it with the CURSE of
> eternal sight ...

CROW: Well, sure, I mea- huh?

> has SMILED upon you. May WHATEVER god you worship PROTECT your soul.

MIKE: Ah. That's the PC version of "Say your prayers, rabbit!"

> He is suddenly GRIPPED by a PAIN he has not felt since he LOST the
> FEATHERED wings with grew from his back at AGE THIRTEEN.

MIKE: Boy, and I thought _I_ had problems during puberty!
TOM: [sings] "While you were sittin' home alone at age thirteen, your
real daddy was dyin'..."

> For a MOMENT, his agony is such that it FEELS as if he's DYING. When in
> TRUTH -- HE IS ABOUT TO BE REBORN!

ALL: STOP SHOUTING!

> (His metal wings shatter, revealing white bird-like wings underneath)
> ANGEL: My WINGS ... how..?
>
> In the INSTANT before he PASSES OUT from the SHOCK to his SYSTEM ...
> Warren Worthington realizes that after far, far too long, he is ONCE
> AGAIN ... WHOLE. The question that burns in this mind is why?

TOM: Why ask why?

> THE DANGER ROOM (observation booth) -- At the XAVIER INSTITUTE OF
> HIGHER LEARNING in WESTCHESTER COUNTY,

TOM: That's it- I'm going deaf.
CROW: What? I can't hear you above all this shouting!

> New York ... STORM, the leader of the X-MEN ...

MIKE: How can you call it the "X-MEN" if the leader's a woman?

> the visiting FORMER AVENGER known as QUICKSILVER ...

MIKE: He's mercury?
CROW: Well...
TOM: Hey, isn't Mercury where Rosie from _Space_Cases_ is from?
[MIKE & TOM look at CROW]
CROW: [cough, cough] Not that I watch the show...

> and the mutant called WOLVERINE ... are witnesses to the fantastic.

TOM: Wait, isn't that the "Four's" adjective?
CROW: Yeah- they should be witnesses to the uncanny.
TOM: Except for Quickie, who should be witness to the mighty.

> STORM: By the GODDESS -- His REACTION is INCREDIBLE.

MIKE: Not a WORD, Crow.
CROW: [innocent whistling]

> WOLVERINE: I hate to admit it, darlin' -- But I'm IMPRESSED.

MIKE: Oh, lord...
TOM: I'm not sure Crow's gonna make it through this scene Mike...
MIKE: If you do, Crow, I'll give you a RAM chip!
CROW: Ummmm... Ok.

> QUICKSILVER: This is foolish at best, dangerous at worst.

TOM: And just really damn stupid somewhere in the middle.

> BEAST: Au contraire, Pierre. We're running these TESTS for a REASON.
> We need to know WHAT our FRIEND DOWN THERE KNOWS and what he
> REMEMBERS. This exercise would seem the SAFEST way to do that.
>
> SEVERAL HUNDRED FEET BELOW...

CROW: The Danger Room is hundreds of feet deep, now?

> (They are watching a holographic recreation of one of the original
> X-Men's battles with Magneto.)
>
> PHOENIX: Are you sure you can handle this?

MIKE: Why, yes I can, Phoenix. How about you, Tucson?
CROW: No, problemo. But I'm not sure Flagstaff here can...

> JOSEPH: I... DON'T know what to SAY.

CROW: I've never seen one so BIG before!
MIKE: There goes your RAM chip, Crow....
CROW: Damn....

> ...in the DANGER ROOM of the UNCANNY X-MEN -- A HOLOGRAPHIC RECORDS

TOM: Didn't they just buy out Tidal Wave?

> program is being run.

MIKE: It's the holodeck!

> On mute.

MIKE: OK, so it's Marlee Matlin's holodeck....
TOM: Owwww...

> Regardless of the ABSENCE of SOUND however ...

MIKE: Everyone still feels the NEED to SHOUT EVERYTHING!

> this horrifying TABLEAU speaks VOLUMES to the young man who has come to
> simply call himself JOSEPH.

TOM: [as "Joseph"] I am JOSEPH. Thanks, I had to get that off my
chest. Buh-bye now.

> JOSEPH: JEAN, there is so much ANGER -- So much HATRED in those eyes.
> In... MY eyes? This is the man I USED to be?
>
> PHOENIX: You tell ME, Joseph.

MIKE: [as "Joseph"] I asked you first.
CROW: [falsetto] Well, I asked you second!
MIKE: [as "Joseph"] Copycat!
CROW: [falsetto] I'm telling!

> What do you feel when you stare into that face?

CROW: Isn't that kind of personal?
MIKE: CROW!

> JOSEPH: NOTHING. Only a vast emptiness.

TOM: Oh... He's watching _Baywatch_.

> PHOENIX: That's PROBABLY a good sign. As we've EXPLAINED,

CROW: [condescending tone] In really small words, to be sure you
UNDERSTAND...

> you used to be known as MAGNETO. Your GOAL was to insure that we
> MUTANTS dominated the world in order to ensure our SURVIVAL. And you
> didn't care who got hurt as a result. The fact that you have no
> EMOTIONAL CONNECTION ... suggests that Professor Xavier's mindwipe all
> those months ago was NEAR total.

MIKE: See, destroying people's minds is a GOOD thing!
TOM: Ahhhh...
CROW: Wait a minute- "months ago"? Wasn't it like two YEARS ago?
TOM: This is comic book time, Crow- it works completely different from
real world time.
CROW: Oh, yeah...
MIKE: Which explains how Jean's been around since 1963 and still looks
like THAT!

> JOSEPH: Perhaps. But if I cannot RECALL the SINS of my PAST -- am I
> not DESTINED to REPEAT them?

CROW: Only if it'll help sales.

> PHOENIX: THAT'S why we're here. To take you THROUGH your life -- ONE
> STEP at a TIME.

MIKE: [singing] "Just put one day in front of another..."
TOM: Baby steps through World War II... Baby steps through Israel...
Baby steps through Cape Citadel...

> JOSEPH: In a WAY, I suppose that's the REASON I SOUGHT you in the FIRST

> place -- Even before I encountered ROGUE and she led me to you. But
> there's something I DON'T understand.

CROW: [as "Joseph"] How a character as cool as me could get stuck in a
lame story line like this one.
MIKE: [as "Joseph"] Why in the name of God did Storm do that to her
hair?!

> CYCLOPS: FIRE away. FIGURATIVELY.

TOM: [haughty, baritone laugh] Ho-ho-ho ho ho... [sigh] Somebody kill
me...

> CYCLOPS. SCOTT SUMMERS -- Husband to Jean "Phoenix" Grey. The FIRST
> X-MAN.

MIKE: Oh, so HE'S the guy responsible!
CROW: Get 'im, "Joseph"!

> And in ABSENCE of PROFESSOR XAVIER -- HEIR APPARENT to both the PRIDE
> and PROBLEMS which ACCOMPANY the leadership ...

CROW: Among them; How to keep shouting every other word.

> of a team that is both FEARED and HATED by the world it is sworn to
> PROTECT.

MIKE: Geez, you think the world would be more gracious...

> JOSEPH: Although I have NO RECOLLECTION of this, I assure you

TOM: Consider yourself lucky, pal...

> -- it appears I spent YEARS trying to KILL all of you..?

TOM: But you failed. [sigh]

> CYCLOPS: AND?

CROW: AH! Stop that!

> JOSEPH: And YET ... you accept me into your HOME. You WELCOME me --

TOM: [as Cyclops] Well, we're kinda stupid that way.
MIKE: This is the same team that let in Wolverine AND Sabretooth...
Can we say "death wish"?

> offer to TRAIN ME in the USE of my POWERS. You... TRUST... me. You
> trust me when I do not KNOW that I can TRUST MYSELF.

TOM: [singing] "Trust! Who do ya... Trust! What makes you a real
lover? Trust!"

> GAMBIT: Don't go gettin' all EXCITED, MON AMI...

CROW: Sayyyy...
MIKE: [putting hand on Crow's shoulder] Stop.
[Crow's beak snaps closed]

> Call him GAMBIT.

MIKE: Call me Ishmael.
TOM: Call me a cab so I can get out of this story!

> Or REMY LeBEAU. Or any of MANY aliases he used when he was the most
> SKILLED member of the infamous THIEVE'S GUILD ...

CROW: That top-secret, infamous Thieve's Guild that no one is supposed
to know about.

> before he too joined the X-Men. For REASONS all his OWN.

TOM: But mainly for their comprehensive health coverage and sensible
pension plan.

> GAMBIT: ...DESE people even accepted ME. Dat should tell ya what a
> POOR JUDGE of CHARACTER dey are.

CROW: They also accepted Rogue.
TOM: I'm starting to see how Angel could be a member.

> JOSEPH: Point taken.

MIKE: Where?
TOM: To hell in a handbasket, along with the rest of this crappy script.

> QUICKSILVER: It is XAVIER'S doing. When he founded this group of
> PERPETUAL ALTRUISTS

CROW: Oh, so it's HIS fault!

> -- NAIVETE aside -- the professor INSTILLED in them a sense that given
> the TIME -- the OPPORTUNITY -- NO ONE was ever TRULY BEYOND
> REDEMPTION.

CROW: Not even Jeffery Dahmer?
MIKE: Adolf Hilter?
TOM: Bob Harras?
CROW: Oww...

> Even you ... father.

TOM: [As Quicksilver as Luke] You're not my father! That's impossible!

I'll never join you!

> JOSEPH: Do you ALL BELIEVE that?

MIKE: [as random X-Man] No, not really.

> (Psylocke emerges through a shadow on the wall.)
>
> PSYLOCKE: A question for ANOTHER TIME, perhaps, Magneto. But as of
> now, we have more IMMEDIATE concerns.

CROW: [falsetto] I've got a wedgie that just won't quit, could you give
me a hand here?

> The mutant called PSYLOCKE SHOULDN'T be able to do this.

TOM: Fashion sense, good taste, common sense, and the law, among other
things, strictly prohibit that costume.
CROW: Hah-chee-MAMA! And her anatomy...
MIKE: [as Scotty] Ye cannae change the laws of physics, captain!

> BETSY BRADDOCK is a TELEPATH... TRAINED as a NINJA.

TOM: [in the tune of the "TMNT" theme] Telepathic Ninja ba-abe!
Telepathic Ninja ba-abe!

> Up until this moment -- to the best of her TEAMMATES' KNOWLEDGE

MIKE: But as we've already seen, they're not very bright...
CROW: So that's not really saying much, is it?

> -- MELTING out of shadows was NOT among her MUTANT REPERTOIRE.

CROW: Betsy- she melts in your mouth, not in the shadows!
MIKE: Crow...
CROW: Aw, c'mon, Mike- that was BEGGING to be said.
MIKE: OK, ok... But anymore lurid comments, and I'm ripping off your
web.

> PSYLOCKE: I'm afraid something TERRIBLE has happened to WARREN. What
> are you staring at? Did I do something wrong?

TOM: She walks around in a outfit like THAT then wonders why everyone is
staring at her?

> STORM: Not at all, Elizabeth. But you must admit the new manifestation

> of power is ... Unsettling.

MIKE: And stupid...

> PSYLOCKE: Is it, windrider? My apologies. Apparently the crimson
> elixir that saved my life did MORE than merely add this scarlet mark to
> my face.

TOM: [as Psylocke] It's called plot convenience- I'll suddenly develop
any ability I need to save you guys at the last possible minute, no
matter how little sense it makes.

> But that is not what I've come to discuss. Earlier today, I went to
> WARREN'S apartment.

TOM: Sayyyy...
MIKE: Not you TOO, Tom?

> As you know, his recovery from Sabretooth's attack has been erratic at
> best. But when I got there, he was gone without a trace. Except for
> ... this. (In Psylocke's hand, she holds a giant white feather.)

CROW: OH MY GOD! He's been captured by a roc!
TOM: Wasn't that that lame Alpha Flight villain?
CROW: No, that was "Rok".

> BROOKLYN.
>
> ANGEL: don't ... UN'RSTAND. i SHOULD be happy -- AM happy -- 'bout
> REAL wings.

TOM: Ah, geez, Warren's drunk again!
CROW: That's what he gets for having Siryn as his sponsor.

> but instead of SHARING the news ... with the X-MEN -- with BETTS

CROW: Place your bets!

> ... i'm drawn HERE!

MIKE: I'm not here, I'm just drawn that way!

> but WHY?!

CROW: We don't know.
TOM: We don't CARE.

> The answer -- In PART -- Lies several stories BELOW... -- In the church
> confessional.

CROW: Louis de Pont du Lac was there, killing a priest.
MIKE: Oh, not TOO obscure...

> PYRO: CHHRACH!

MIKE: -The hell?
CROW: It's Foghorn Leghorn's baby ostrich!

> PADRE: That's QUITE a cough there, son. RELAX, take your TIME.

TOM: And have some parsley, sage, and rosemary, too.

> PYRO: That's just IT, Padre. I don't *gak* HAVE the time!

TOM: [as Pyro, sobbing] I lost my WATCH!

> I needed to *brougk* talk to SOMEONE ... to WARN them ... about... HER!

ALL: NOOOOO!!
TOM: Wait... Isn't Her the female version of Adam Warlock?
CROW: Ummm... Yeah....
TOM: Ah. Well, she seems pretty harmless to me...
MIKE: Ah, let's go...

[Mike and the 'Bots leave the theater]

1... 2... 3... 4... 5... *

TO BE CONTINUED...

"Hey, the moon looks just like Arizona, you guys!"
-Joel Robinson, _MST3K:_The_Robot_Vs._The_Aztec_Mummy_
Catherine Johnson ---------- MiSTie #75,125 ---------- TCur...@aol.com