MiSTing: Battle Arena Toshinden (3/4)

[Matthew R Blackwell]

<Commercial: Coming soon from Gramercy. He was hired to be the nanny
for a middle class family. But little did they know that their nanny
was a mob informant protected by the Witness Protection Program. But
now, the mob has found him, and are determined to silence him.
Forever. But they haven't counted on one thing... Charles is in
charge of everything.

Nicholas Cage is Charles in John Woo's Charles in Charge. Coming soon
from Gramercy.>

1...2...3...4...5...6...

[It's the bridge of the SoL. Mike and the bots are dressed like the
characters in the movie.]
Mike: Hi everyone. We've decided that in honor of the movie, we're
going to make our own MST3K fighting game. Tom, you're first.
Tom: Okay, I'm TOM! I can fly and I attack by spinning myself round
and round and round and slamming into my foes. Oh, and I've got a
forklift.
[Crow leaps into the scene.]
Crow: I'm CROOOOOOOW! And I've got power over who lives and dies!
Mike: Crow.
Crow: Sorry, all right. I'm Crooooooow! And I...
Cat: MEOW!!
Crow: I'll take care of you in a minute. Anyway, I'm Crooooooow! And..
Cat #2: MEOW!! MEOW!!
Cat #1: MEOW!
Mike: Hey! There's two of them now!
Tom: [looking under the counter] Mike, there's a lot more than that.
[Tom brings up a box full of space cats.]
Box full of cats: MEOW!! MEOW!! MEOW!! MEOW!!
Mike: Say, is it getting hot in here?
Tom: We better check the environmental systems.
[The trio leaves.]

Camping World:
Observer: It is extremely doubtful that the puppets and the biped
might have been transmogrified. After all, the device is only
designed to suppress certain desires in them. It couldn't have
possibly devolved them. [The Observer turns the SoL uplink back on,
and is greeted by a box full of meowing cats. He stares at the cats
for a moment. Then he turns off the uplink again.] Perhaps the
wires on his blasted machine are crossed... [He begins to use his
brain powers to examine the Uplink...]

SoL:
[Mike, Crow, and Tom wander back in]
Mike: Huh. The rest of the station is comfortable.
Crow: Yeah, and the environmental controls are set for 72 degrees on
the bridge. Maybe I left the thawmaster on...
[Gypsy rushes in from the left.]
Gypsy: Mike, Mike! I've completed my analysis of those space cats!
They exist only to do three things; eat, reproduce and go Meow.
Cats: Meow!
Tom: You mean that they're.... Tabbles?
Mike: [Groan]
Crow: But Tabbles provide us with love...
Tabble: Meow! [Swipes at Crow with a claw.]
Crow: YEOOWWCH!!!! Blasted cat. Where's the airlock...?
Mike: Crow, we have to keep in good graces with the ASPCA.
Gypsy: And when in close proximity with other tabbles, the air
temperature increases to extreme levels.
Mike: You mean that when they're around each other [He turns to the
camera] ...stuff starts to burst into flame?
Tom: Ooh. Subtle meaning there, Mike.
Tabbles: MEOW!
Mike: Gypsy! Start researching how to get rid of these tabbles! [The
lights begin to flash] We've got Movie sign!!

1...2...3...4...5...6...
[Mike and the Bots sit]
Crow: Tabbles? Isn't it enough that the movie's violating copyrights?
DO WE HAVE TO ALSO?
Mike: Hey, it's parody, Crow.

> Executive Producers: BMG Victor, Inc
> MOVIC, Co., Ltd.
>Screen Play: Jirou Takayama
Crow: Ooh, the first half must have drained the original script writer
of all of his creativity.
Tom: Sigh. Just like Police Academy. When will they learn?

>[The world is red. Tree tops flash underneath the viewer at high speed. The
>camera pans back, and three battlesuited thugs are flying in the forest, looking
>for someone.
Crow: Hey! OJ's still looking for the murderer!
Tom: Okay, that's out OJ quota for the film.

>Thug 1: Obstacle detected at target point X-286.
>Original Character design: Tsukasa Kotobuki
[The thugs dart around in the trees]
>Thug 1: Initiate attack sequence.

Tom: Switching to targeting computer.
Crow: Red leader, we’re picking up unidentified bogeys heading your
way.

> Animation character design: Kazuto Nakazawa
Mashiro Yamane
>[The thugs race by. As they pass, a large man carrying a sword lands on a
>tree branch in the foreground, with his back to the audience. He pauses for a
>moment, then jumps high into the air, and prepares to slice one of the thugs.]

Crow: Yep, jumping is faster than flying. That's why Denver's new
airport uses those pogo planes.

>[We can see that the sword wielder is Gaia.]
>Art Director: Hiroshi Kato
>[The scene shifts to the top of Chaos' head.]
>Chaos: [Raising his head.] Hee, hee, hee. I can hardly wait.

Tom: For the new Summer Season on Come...
Mike: Um, Tom? We don't work there anymore...
Tom: Oh. Nevermind.

>Stupid fool. Step right into my trap.
>[They fight for a moment, then Gaia slices Chaos in two. Then, suddenly,
>we're back in the forest.]
>[Gaia stands stoically for a moment, then is dramatically backlit]
>[The scene fades to a rising sun. Eiji is riding by on his motorcycle.]

Mike: Dottie, I've got to get the X-2 back.

>Battle Arena Toshinden Vol 2
>Director Masami Ohbari
>[The scene shifts to a blue sky where puffs of smoke appear in the air]
>[Panning down, we see the circus tent, and fireworks can be heard in the air.]
>[Eiji pulls to a stop in front of a sign featuring Ellis.]
>[Inside the tent, Ellis readies several knives for throwing. The crowd watches
>expectantly. Ellis, who we can now see is blindfolded, stands in front of a
>clown hanging from the target board. All is quiet for a moment, then Ellis
>throws the knives...]
>[And they land around the clown without harming him.]

Mike: (Ellis) Hey! Those aren't my knives!

>[The crowds gives a standing ovation, and Ellis giggles appreciatively]
>[Ellis slips behind a tent flap, and wipes her brow. Suddenly, a towel is
>thrown at her]

Crow: Hey, now they're ripping off Police Squad!

>Ellis: Huh? Hey!
>[The camera pans back to reveal Eiji. He salutes Ellis.]

>Ellis: Eiji!
>[Switch to Ellis' dressing room, lit only by a oil lamp]
>Ellis: The man machine project?
>Eiji: Yeah. The Organization is trying to produce an army of artificial super
>soldiers. It's pretty horrible.
>Kayin: And they're gathering data on us to help program the android's
>fighting techniques.

Mike: Well, they might also be working on a Doom clone. We're just not
sure.

>[Ellis stands]
>Ellis: Well that's just fine! How come they didn't come looking for any data
>about me?

Tom: Well, there was your autobiography: "Ellis: Everything That You
Ever Wanted to Know About Me."

>[Eiji's eyes appear in the bottom quadrant of the screen]
>Eiji: Ha. Ha. I guess that your data isn't worth too much.
>[Kayin's eyes show up in the bottom left quadrant]
>Kayin: Yep, that Eiji's right.

Mike: Boy, if Michelle were here, she'd throw these two out on the
lawn and be posting a comment about it by now.

>[The screen goes black for a moment, then suddenly, flashes of silver appear.
>Ellis is now holding a knife at Eiji's and Kayin's throats]
>Ellis: Now what was that?

All: Wah-wah-wah.
Tom: Come to think of it, Michelle might have done that too.

>Eiji: Uh, uh, uh, I didn't mean it.
>Kayin: We didn't mean to say that you were weak. It's just that the other guys
>that they went after were just... different. You know?

Crow: [Bostonian accent]: Mr Speaker, I have no such recollection of
driving off that bridge...

>Eiji: Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Just different.
>[Ellis withdraws the knives]
>Ellis: Okay. I'll buy that.
>[Eiji and Kayin slump to the table]
>Eiji: You know, for such a technically superior being, that man machine
>wasn't that hard to beat.
>Ellis: Tell me, what did this android unit look like? Hm.

Mike: Kind of like Rutger Hauer, oddly enough.

>Eiji:[Dramatic voice] It was made to look like my brother, Sho.
>[Brief flashback to the battle sequence from volume 1]
>Ellis: What's next?
>Eiji: There's only one thing left to do.

Tom: ....and that's getting dooown!

>We're going to find their hideout and hit them hard.
>Kayin: We just wanted to let you know what's been going on. Just be careful,
>okay?
>[They leave]
>Ellis: [Angrily] Ooh. Those two.

Crow: Oh well. I guess that I'll just mope and watch Heathers.

> I want to fight.
>[Ellis then looks rather cheerful and snaps off another salute.]
>[Outside the tent, as Kayin and Eiji leave, we can see a ninja with a video
>camera recording the scene]

Mike: Wow. The rivalry between Inside Edition and Hard Copy is getting

fierce.

>[Back inside the tent, we see Ellis practicing her act as several clowns practice
>in the background. As Ellis' knives hit the target, one of the clowns falls off
>the ball that he's been standing on]

>[Ellis laughs. The clown assisted by another, limps off, stage right.]
>Ellis: [Waving] Good night you two.
>[Suddenly, a sound is heard from behind Ellis. She turns around, and Chaos
>steps from the shadows.]
>Chaos: It's showtime.

Crow: The Running Man. Isn't there a law about plagiarism?
Mike: Calm down Crow.

>[Chaos draws his scythe and swings it at Ellis. She backflips back to the
>target and withdraws two of her knives.]
>Ellis: You keep this up and you'll be sorry.
>Chaos: [Licking his blade]

Mike:[Drunkenly] Excuse me. I need to shave my tongue.

> You are the bait to lure Gaia straight into my trap.
>[Ellis looks surprised]
>Ellis: Huh? My father?

Tom: Now were did THAT plot thread come from?
Crow: The Empire Strikes Back.
Mike: Crow...

>Chaos: We can not forgive his betrayal, so now he must be executed.
>Ellis: I'll never let you !
>[She leaps to the attack, mutters something that sounds like Lolipop!, and
>begins spinning like a top, hitting Chaos to no effect.]
>Chaos: What was that? Some sort of joke?

Tom: No, this is a joke. A man machine walks into a bar, and orders a
drink. The bartender says, "we don't see many of you around here." The
man machine says, " At these prices, I'm not surprised."

>Ellis: Watch it!
>[The battle resumes. Ellis launches an attack, but Chaos knocks her to the
>floor.]
>Chaos: I won't kill you. After all, you are the bait. But I'll make sure that you
>can not run!
>[He raises his weapon, as if to strike..]
>[Ellis braces for the blow..]
>[The scythe is blocked by a sword, held by a clown]

Tom: The clowns are carrying swords. This must be some sort of
Japanese thing.

>Clown: Hold it right there!
>[A second clown kicks Chaos in the head.]
>Clown 2: We got to thinking that instead of hunting randomly for your
>hideout, it would be faster to set a trap for you here.
>[The clown removes his mask to reveal....]

Tom: Hey! It's Michael Crawford!
Crow: Oh great. It's now a martial arts musical. Just shoot me now.

>[...Eiji]
>Kayin: And you fell for it, just like we knew you would.
>Chaos: I see. You two must be Eiji and Kayin.

Mike: Or Shields and Yarnell.

>Eiji: Give up the hideout and we might let you live.
>Chaos: Why don't you make me?
>Kayin: Why you...! [He launches into the air, sword in hand] Sonic Slash!
>[A look of terror crosses over Kayin's face. Chaos begins to teleport around.
>Chaos then strikes Kayin, knocking him back.]
>Eiji: KAYIN!

Crow: KHAAAANNNN!!

>[Chaos continues to teleport around as Eiji attacks him. Eiji jumps back to
>join Kayin.]
>Chaos: Heh. Heh. Heh.
>Kayin: That move was impossible.
>Eiji: I know.

Crow: Great. So the writers are admitting that they're ignoring
physics.

>Chaos: That copy of Sho was a prototype. It operated at only 30% of capacity.
>Eiji: That was only 30%?
>Chaos: Yes, and I bet ..

Tom: ...that you're ready for some FOOTBALL!!!!

> that you were feeling mighty proud of yourselves for beating him. Now you
>will feel the power of a complete man-machine unit. PREPARE
>YOURSELVES!

Tom: TEST YOUR MIGHT!

>[Reddish smoke begins to whirl around Chaos. He leaps into the air, and the
>area around him explodes. Kayin and Eiji are thrown back by the blast.]
>Chaos: (Laughing) Is that all? I thought so. Now then.
>[The scene shifts to Ellis, who is on the ground, crying. Chaos walks towards
>her.]
>Chaos: You're coming with me now.

Crow: But I don't want to ride the Wild Chipmunk! It's not safe!

>[He draws nearer to Ellis, when suddenly, a gigantic sword lands in the
>ground before Chaos.]

Mike: It's William Wallace! The good movie has arrived to fight the
bad!

>Chaos: Hmm? (Peering up)
>[Gaia stands before Chaos wearing a cloak.]

Tom: I wonder what that's comfort rated at.

>Eiji: It's him. Gaia.

Mike: [Valley voice] Dad?

>Chaos: Welcome to my trap. [He swings at Gaia, who easily dodges. Gaia
>reaches down and retrieves his sword . The two trade blows briefly, then stand
>apart staring at each other. Chaos now has a line of blood across his chest.
>Gaia pulls back his cloak to reveal a pendant. Ellis gasps in amazement.]
>Ellis: [gasps] That's father's pendant.
>[The two continue their battle]

Crow: That random non-sequiteur brought to by Jess Nevins, a proud
supporter of Dada.
Tom: o/~ I'm going to Dizneeland... o/~
Mike: The other dada.

>Gaia: Now then, is this the best that Uranus can produce? Just as I thought.
>Or perhaps you can not fight an opponent for which you have no data.
>[Chaos exhales a continuous burst of greenish gas.

Crow: Wow. He needs some Mentos.

>Ellis: FATHER! [She darts across the ground and throws herself in front of
>the blast. Chaos throws some daggers, which land in Ellis' back. Gaia looks
>stunned as his daughter goes down in slow motion.]

Tom: Nothing to see here. Move along.

>Eiji+Kayin: ELLIS!!!
>Gaia: Oh, Ellis.
>Chaos: The child just had to interfere. Well, no matter. I've achieved what I
>set out to do.
>Gaia: And what was that?

Mike: Well, I covered the Grand Canyon in yellow crepe paper. I call
it "Giant Bannana."

>Chaos: Those throwblades are poison. The antidote is rare

Crow: Shoot, my antidote's well done.
Mike: Just use an alabaster potion. They're only uncommons.

> and is known only by the Organization. If you want to save her, you'll
>have to come with us.
>Gaia: You monster!
>Chaos: Gaia! Soon I will have the pleasure of presenting the spectacle of your
>death in front of Lady Uranus. I'll be waiting for you..... in HELL.

Mike: That's HELL ((tm)).
Tom: Time to go....
[They leave.]