[MSTed] An XCOM 2 FAQ [1/5]
JoeyLemur
MSTie was completed. For more than 5 months, I toiled over this damned
thing.
I hope you like it. I need a different hobby... :)
(With thanks to M Sampo for reading this over and catching obvious
mistakes.)
[The curtains rise...the lights brighten...the show begins...]
[Theme song]
[...6...5...4...3...2...1...*]
[SOL Bridge]
[All is quiet.]
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in fifteen seconds.
[A few seconds pass. Suddenly...]
CROW: (offscreen) Whoopie!
[Crow makes an arc over the desk, and as soon as he disappears off the
right
side of the screen, a soft 'thwack!' is heard.]
CROW: (offscreen) Hey Cambot! Bring it in over here!
[Cambot swings around to see Crow hanging on a wall of velcro. He is
covered
with strips of hook-velcro.]
CROW: Neat, huh? That was fun! I wanna do it again!
[Crow struggles to loosen himself from the wall, but to no avail.]
CROW: <grunt>...<ungh>...<ooof>...Uh oh.
M.V.: Commercial sign now.
[Commercial sign begins flashing.]
CROW: (calling out) Uh, Mike? Servo? Gypsy? Hello???
M.V.: We'll be right back.
[Planet logo]
[Commercials]
[We return to see Mike yanking Crow off the velcro wall, with Tom
watching.]
TOM: Gee, Crow, looks like you've gotten yourself stuck!
CROW: Really, Tom? THANK YOU for sharing that.
MIKE: <grunt> That's it, Crow...no watching 'Super Dave' Osborne
anymore.
CROW: Awwwww...
[The Mads light begins flashing. Mike turns around, leaving Crow
half-stuck
to the wall.]
MIKE: Uh oh...Lord Dimwitt Flathead is calling.
[As Mike reaches for the button, Crow falls off the wall.]
CROW: WAAAUGH!!!
[Deep Thirteen]
[Just a regular old sinister day in the lab.]
DR.F: What's next with you guys...orbital bungee-jumping? No matter...I
have
something here that will keep you guys busy for quite a while...
[Dr. F holds up a pan that contains a smoking 3.5" floppy disk.]
DR.F: ...and I think I've really outdone myself this time. It's a
horribly
misspelled FAQ on Microprose's game 'X-COM 2: Terror from the
Deep'.
But first...you have not one, but TWO McElwaine posts to chew
through!
Yes...THAT McElwaine. Here's spam in your eye!
[Dr. F sticks the disk into the control panel and presses a few buttons.]
[SOL Bridge]
[Everyone is gathered around the desk. Crow is still decorated with
velcro
strips.]
ALL: MCELWAINE??? AUUUGHHHH!
[Buzzers and light go off. Bots are still screaming.]
MIKE: MOVIE SIGN!
[Everyone runs off]
[*...1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[Mike and Tom and Crow and Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice and...oops,
sorry.
Start again...]
[Mike, Tom, and Crow enter the theater from the right and sit.]
CROW: <Peck> We're in it now, up to our necks!
>x-nntp-posting-host: sawdust.cvfn.org
>content-type:
CROW: Hazardous to all life forms.
TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII
>mime-version: 1.0
MIKE: Oooo...mutes with their faces painted white. Sign me up for more
of
_that_.
TOM: Getting good at that, Mike.
>newsgroups: sci.geo.geology
>
>
> GAIA--Mother Earth--ENRAGED!
TOM: RRRRRRRR!!! Earth...ANGRY!!!
>
> Most astronomers, geophysicists, and other scientists
> think that stars and planets are only physical objects. But
> our Sun and at least the first eight planets of our Solar
> System are the
CROW: ...very models of some modern major generals.
bodies of CONSCIOUS LIVING INTELLIGENT BEINGS,
> or levels of DIVINITY.
>
> Our Sun is a conscious living intelligent being called
> Sol (among other things), and the primitive savages
TOM: Ugh. You Jane. Me stupid.
who
> worship(ped) the Sun are/were NOT quite so ignorant and
> superstitious as we have been led to believe.
MIKE: Yeah, and eating the living hearts of human sacrifices was a real
good
idea, too!
>
> Mother Earth is a CONSCIOUS LIVING INTELLIGENT BEING
> called GAIA. Until recently She has been TOLERATING the
> human creatures infesting Her skin.
TOM: The itching...the burning...try Cruex.
But She is being RAPED
> and ABUSED in many ways--air pollution, water pollution,
> ground-water pollution, landfill pollution, toxic waste
> dumps, radioactive waste dumps, strip mining, dam building,
> atom bomb testing, etc., ETC..
ALL: ET CETERA!!!
>
> And now the rapid destruction of the Rain Forests is the
> LAST STRAW. Mother Earth is ENRAGED! And She has already
> begun throwing one HELL of a temper tantrum:
CROW: (maternal voice) Alright, young lady, I think you need a time-out!
increasingly
> violent and extreme weather, increasingly numerous and
> intense volcanic eruptions and earthquakes (10 times worse
> each year thru 1998),
MIKE: Who does he think he is, the Amazing Kreskin?
SINKING land masses, rising ocean
> levels, huge tidal waves, major pole shifts, etc.. MOST of
> the world's human population will NOT survive to the year
> 2002, when the face of the Earth (the shapes of Her land
> masses, etc.)
ALL: <clear throats>
will be difficult to recognize.
>
> Most of Japan, northern Europe, and the western portion
> of the United States will SINK to the bottom of the ocean,
> like Atlantis did. The Great Lakes will EXPAND and MERGE,
> and empty DIRECTLY south to the Gulf of Mexico. Part of
> Atlantis will RISE east of Florida.
TOM: Oh, and I supposed that they Atlantieans survived underwater for
thousands of years, and they'll take over the world???
CROW: (as McElwaine) Gee...how'dja guess?
Similar things will
> happen all over the Earth. All of this will lead to world
> economic collapse, and the POLITICAL BREAK-UP of the United
> States (like the Soviet Union did in 1991) starting in 1996.
CROW: (as McElwaine) ...unless Clinton and Gore are reelected!
>
>
> For more information, contact: Matrix Institute, Inc.,
MIKE: The Matrix just hasn't been the same since the Master invaded it.
> P.O. Box 336, Chesterfield, NH 03443, 1-800-628-7493, and
> ask for a free copy of their latest catalogue of audio and
> video tapes,
CROW: (taking note) 1-800-628...
MIKE: What? You're not going to send away for that stuff, are you?
CROW: Of course I am! Why waste an opportunity to get free tapes that
you
can tape over?
The Future Map of the United States: 1998-2001,
> and their monthly newsletter THE EARTH CHANGES REPORT--The
> Survival Guide for the Nineties.
>
>
> UN-altered
TOM: It's been tampered with by the United Nations! I smell a
conspiracy...
REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
> IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED, ESPECIALLY to COMPUTER
> BULLETIN BOARDS.
MIKE: ...and spammed all over the Usenet.
>
> Robert E. McElwaine
> B.S., Physics and Astronomy, UW-EC
ALL: <break up laughing>
[The post ends and the next one starts...it looks remarkably like a film
reel
change]
ALL: Reel change! Reel change! Reel change!
> The HOLLOW Earth
>
> On January 6, 1967, the satellite ESSA-3, in very high
> polar orbit around the Earth, took a remarkable photograph,
> from straight above the North Polar area, showing a huge
> HOLE, about 1400 MILES in diameter, centered where the North
> Pole should be!
CROW: Oh my god...Santa's collapsed onto himself!
> The ESSA-7 satellite took an even better quality photo
> of this HOLE on November 23, 1968.
> Both photos were published in the book Secret of the
Ages--
> UFO's From Inside the Earth, by Brinsley Le Poer Trench, 1977.
TOM: The Bronson Pinchot Trench...what???
>
> In 1947, Admiral Richard E. Byrd flew an airplane 1700
> miles into the North Polar ENTRANCE HOLE, where he saw
> forests, lakes, and herds of LIVE MAMMOTHS! In 1956, he flew
> 2300 miles into the South Polar ENTRANCE HOLE
ALL: Hey! That's dirty! You should be ashamed! (etc.)
and saw the
> SAME kinds of things.
>
> The book The Hollow Earth, by Dr. Raymond Bernard,
> PH.D., quotes several statements made by Admiral Byrd before,
> during, and after these expeditions, including:
MIKE: "Wow, is it cold up there."
> "I'd like to see that land beyond the Pole. That area
> beyond the Pole is the center of the great unknown.", February
> 1947.
> On January 13, members of the United States expedition
> accomplished a flight of 2700 miles from the base at McMurdo
> Sound, which is 400 miles west of the South Pole, and
> penetrated
ALL: <clear throats>
> a land extent of 2300 miles beyond the Pole.,
> January 13, 1956 radio transmission.
> The present expedition has opened a vast new land.,
> March 13, 1956.
CROW: McElwaine is a loon., Crow T. Robot, not-too-distant-future.
> ...that enchanted continent in the sky, land of
> everlasting mystery., 1957.
TOM: Take me to the Mushroom Kingdom, my friend booze!
>
> In 1828, Jens and Olaf Jansen, a father and son team of
> Norwegian fishermen
MIKE: Norwegian father/son tag-team fish wrestling?
CROW: [Minniwegan] Oh cripes, you know the time when Olaf bodyslammed
that
great big trout...
> , sailed their fishing boat into the North
> Polar ENTRANCE HOLE,
TOM: Do you suppose he takes speech lessons from Shatner?
MIKE: <Kirk> I...am RESPONISBLE...for the
LIVES...offourhundredmenandwomen.
> and spent two years living with the
> friendly giants who live down there.
ALL: (singing) ...down in the valley...valley of the Jolly Green
Giant...
> Their experiences are
> described in the book "The Smoky God",
CROW: (stoned) Oh man, Zeus...I'm...sooooo...high...
> (referring to the
> Earth's CENTRAL SUN), by Willis George Emerson, 1908,
> reprinted in 1965 by Health Research, (a rare-book dealer,
> publisher, and republisher), 8349 Lafayette St., P.O. Box 70,
> Mokelumne Hill, CA 95245.
ALL: PLUG! PLUG! PLUG!!!
>
> The Earth is HOLLOW!
TOM: Just like your skull, McElwaine.
> Its hollow shell is about 1500
> miles thick at the equator, and about 500 miles thick near
> the ENTRANCE HOLES.
TOM: Thick...again, just like your skull, McElwaine.
> The North Polar ENTRANCE HOLE is about
> 1400 miles in diameter and centered close to the Earth's axis
> of rotation, while the South Polar ENTRANCE HOLE is slightly
> smaller, perhaps 1300 miles in diameter, and somewhat off-
> center. The ENTRANCE HOLES are usually filled up with some
> kind of fog.
> At the geometric center
CROW: The Geometric Nucleus??? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
> of the Earth is a
> glowing ball of plasma, about 600 miles in diameter, which
> serves as the CENTRAL SUN that warms and illuminates the
> Earth's inner surface. The HOLLOW Earth's shell also
> includes numerous HUGE ELECTRO-LUMINATED INHABITED caverns
MIKE: Caverns inhabited by numerous huge electroluminates...huh???
> like the one described in Jules Verne's 1864 novel "Journey
> to the Center of the Earth". (See also the book "The Under-
> People", by Eric Norman, 1969.)
TOM: Maybe someone should explain to him the difference between fiction
and
non-fiction books?
>
> The "Laws" of physics and gravitation NOTWITHSTANDING,
CROW: Notwithstanding what?
>
> People CAN and DO walk on the Earth's INNER surface, just as
> easily as on the outer surface.
MIKE: Of course they do, McElwaine... security! SECURITY!!!
> They might weigh less down
> there, but they are NOT weightless as orthodox physicists
> think they would be. For one thing, the HOLLOW Earth's shell
> is NEITHER uniformly thick NOR uniformly dense.
TOM: And another thing!...
>
>
TOM: And...?
>
> UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
TOM: Oh, great conclusion statement he had there! Really have me
convinced!
Oh, boy!
> IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED, ESPECIALLY to COMPUTER
> BULLETIN BOARDS.
>
> Robert E. McElwaine
> B.S., Physics and Astronomy, UW-EC
CROW: And we all know what the B.S. stands for!
[Commercial break...and we'd all like to break a commercial or two,
wouldn't
we?]
...to be continued...
Ed Powell, MSTie #27968, and proud Mac user
http://user.aol.com/joeylemur/
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"Do you want my blood? Do you want my tears? What do you want?"
- Pink Floyd, The Division
Bell
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