MiSTed: Ratliff's "Premier Ma[r]qui{s}" (1/4)
Loren Haarsma
======================= Part 1/4 ====================================
It would be an exaggeration to say that *every* MiSTer wants to MiST a
Stephen Ratliff story. But Ratliff's stories are often discussed in
ratmm and on the MiSTing dibs-list, and "dibs" on a Ratliff is a highly
coveted prize. The eager following generated by his stories is a
tribute to Stephen's persistence, his good-natured responses to
criticism, and the unique interpretation of reality presented in his
oeuvre. His stories are good enough to maintain interest, yet
consistently display certain elements which provoke strong, occasionally
visceral, reactions in so many critics --- all centered around a main
character who has inspired not one, but two, fanfic parodies portraying
her as the embodiment of evil.
So when Stephen Ratliff began posting "Premier Ma[r]qui{s}" last
September, the response on the MiSTing dibs-list was quick and
overwhelming. Two dozen novice and experienced MiSTers asked to be part
of the MiSTing team. In view of such demand, and in a moment of
insanity, the "premier dibser" invited any and all aspirants on the
dibs-list to send in their contributions. Over a dozen individuals
actually answered that call. The technical and editorial problems posed
by such a large Group-MiSTing were remarkable, but finally overcome.
This is not that MiSTing.
This is a standard-style MiSTing written by:
Loren Haarsma <lhaa...@opal.tufts.edu>,
Jarek Myszewski <V335...@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu>,
David Conner <dco...@bellatlantic.net>.
The results of the Group-MiSTing will follow in a few weeks....
(If there is any semblance of continuity in MiSTings, then this MiSTing
occurs shortly before the MiSTing of Ratliff's "Falling into Command.")
--------------------------------------------------
[Season 7 opening credits and theme song]
[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]
[SOL control room.]
[Mike, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are arranged around the desk in the usual
way. On top of the desk is some sort of Milton-Bradley-type board
game. Mike is spinning a wheel which resembles the one in
"The Game of LIFE" (tm).]
CROW: [chanting as the wheel spins] ... Not Guilty ...
TOM: [similar] ... Guilty ...
CROW: ... Not Guilty ...
TOM: ... Guilty ...
CROW: ... Not Guilty ....
[The wheel stops spinning.]
CROW: Awwwwww!
TOM: Ha ha! Yes! A hung jury! "Lose one turn while waiting for
retrial."
CROW: Rats!
[Mike looks up and sees Cambot is on.]
MIKE: Oh, hi everybody! We're just getting some playtesting done on
Tom's new boardgame before the Mads ruin our day. The game's
based on the American legal system, and it's called...
ALL: "Criminal Justice!"
TOM: [legal disclaimer voice] Any resemblance between this game and
Kentucky Fried Movie's "Scot-Free" is purely coincidental.
MIKE: Okay, it's your turn, Gypsy! The district court just turned
down your challenge to the jury selection procedure in your
original trial. What do you want to do?
GYPSY: Ummm ... I'll appeal!
MIKE: OK, who do you want to argue your case?
GYPSY: Richard Basehart!
MIKE: D'oh! [slaps his forehead]
CROW: Should've seen that one coming a mile away....
MIKE: No, I mean, do you want to hire a law firm which costs one
thousand dollars, ten thousand dollars, or a hundred thousand
dollars?
GYPSY: Ten thousand dollars.
[Gypsy opens her mouth wide to reveal play-money clipped inside.
Mike reaches in and takes a bill.]
MIKE: OK. That means I roll the *equal*-odds silver-colored appeals
dice, and the lower court's decision is... [rolls dice] Overturned!
GYPSY: Yaaaay!
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in ten seconds.
MIKE: Your turn, Tom. Things are looking grim. All your pre-trial
motions have been denied. Are you ready for a spin on the verdict
wheel?
TOM: Nuh uh. I'm gonna activate my "media blitz" token *and* play my
"race" card.
MIKE: Ooooooh! Well, I still have to draw from the post-trial pile.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in four ... three ... two....
MIKE: [draws card] And it says ... "Civil suit!"
TOM: NOOOOOOOOOO!
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign now.
[Commercials]
[Return from commercials]
[Mike and bots are cleaning up after the game.]
GYPSY: Wow, Tom, you know a lot about the legal system!
MIKE: ... or at least the way the media reports it.
CROW: Yeah, Servo, since when are you such a legal expert? It's not
like you're a lawyer or anything.
TOM: Au contraire, mon ami! Here's my diploma.
MIKE: [reading] "The Sally Struthers Correspondence School of
Refrigerator Repair and Law"?
TOM: Hey, it's an accredited legal institution in Antigua, the Cayman
Islands, *and* Belize!
[Mads light starts flashing]
MIKE: Uh oh... Perry and Della are calling.
[Mike taps Mads button.]
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: Hello, inmates! And may I say that it does my heart proud to
see you playfully dabbling with forces of evil far beyond your
comprehension! Speaking of which, did you get those crates I
sent you this morning? Hmmm?
[SOL]
MIKE: Sure did, Dr. F! We locked them all in the cargo bay, just like
you said.
CROW: What was in them, anyway? They felt like they weighed a ton!
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: Never you mind what's in them, serfs! You'll find out soon
enough. [evil chuckle] In the meantime, let's take this legal
evil and run with it, shall we? What would you say if I told
you that today's experiment makes the subject of your boardgame,
by comparison, look like it embodies the wisdom of Solomon and the
truth-seeking of Diogenes?
[SOL]
MIKE: Ummm... I'd say: what is it, some kind of "L.A. Law" fanfic?
CROW: Ha! We could survive one of those without even using *half*
the rec.humor lawyer jokes archive!
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: [giggling wickedly] Ah, my little ragamuffins, I see you have
*no* inkling of the horror that I'm about to inflict on you! Let
me put it to you this way: you might think that the author of
today's experiment has created some creepy portrayals of life,
death, love, friendship, responsibility, shock, grief, parenthood,
politics, diplomacy, military command structures, and children's
rights, but just wait until you get a load of his... *unique*
ideas about criminal justice!
[SOL]
[Mike looks very worried, and the bots are visibly shaking.]
MIKE: Is he saying what I think he's saying?
CROW: Mike, I'm scared. I only know *one* person who fits *that*
description!
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: Well, I see it's finally starting to sink in! Not so confident
now, eh bumpkins?
[Pearl Forrester walks into view beside Clayton. She is dressed as a
1950's-tv-style housewife, holding a white feather duster.]
Ma F: [interrupting] Clayton, I think it's so cute the way you toy
with them before you crush their spirits.
Dr.F: [taken aback by the unexpected compliment] Why *thank* you,
Mother! It's so nice of you to notice! [becomes suspicious]
What's going on here?! Why are you cleaning my control panels
with ... a feather duster?
Ma F: It's relaxing. I love to watch as the pristine, white feathers
become irreparably frayed and stained as they encounter the dust
and grime of their surroundings....
Dr.F: Oh. [pause] Can I try?
Ma F: [pinches Clayton's cheek] Wait your turn, Clayton!
Dr.F: Mother, please! Not in front of the test subjects! [leers into
monitor] And as for you, boobies, eat hot You-Know-Who! It's
your day in court, and here come the judge! Get ready to do some
hard time, habeas corpses! [stabs his finger triumphantly on the
button]
[SOL]
[Flashing lights, buzzers, pandemonium, etc.]
MIKE: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!
[..6..]
[..5..]
[..4..]
[..3..]
[..2..]
[..1..]
[Mike and bots enter the theater.]
>> Path: news.tufts.edu!blanket.mitre.org!agate!newsgate.duke.edu!
TOM: ... and I took the Path: less traveled.
CROW: But we keep meeting Ratliff on it!
>> solaris.cc.vt.edu!newsrelay.netins.net!news.dacom.co.kr!
>> arclight.uoregon.edu!usenet.eel.ufl.edu!spool.mu.edu!newspump.sol.net!
>> www.nntp.primenet.com!nntp.primenet.com!howland.erols.net!
TOM: Primenet! The story you are about to hear ... is a great big
piece of....
MIKE: [warning tone of voice] Tom....
TOM: Fiction!
>> newsfeed.internetmci.com!in3.uu.net!hearst.acc.Virginia.EDU!
CROW: Nice recovery, Servo.
>> newslink.runet.edu!not-for-mail
CROW: not-for-usenet!not-for-www!not-fit-for-human-or-robot-consumption!
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
MIKE: The perpetrator.
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
TOM: The victims.
>> Subject: DS9 Premier Marqui part 1
CROW: The crime.
>> Date: 4 Sep 1996 01:11:23 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
MIKE: The unindicted co-conspirators.
TOM: If only this thing were un-indited, instead.
MIKE: Huh?
TOM: Look it up.
>> Lines: 125
>> Message-ID: <50ikvr$3...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: oscar.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>> Star Trek
>> Deep Space Nine
>> The Marrissa Stories
>>
>> Premier Marqui
CROW: Check it out. He's regressed to misspelling the title again.
MIKE: Boy, that takes me back. Remember when we encountered our very
first Ratliff?
TOM: Ah, the halcyon days of youthful ignorance....
>> by Stephen Ratliff
>>
MIKE: I think we should cut him some slack. "Maquis" isn't in most
spell-checkers.
CROW: The Evil One has a web access, doesn't he? He could easily travel
to the Paramount website and look it up, couldn't he?
MIKE: OK, OK.
>> This Story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and
>> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used
>> fictitiously.
MIKE: Oh, you mean there isn't really a group of overbearing,
egotistical children led by their alpha female Marrissa flying
around the galaxy in starships that an apathetic Starfleet Command
allowed them to usurp control of? Wow, thanks for clearing that
up. I was worried!
>> Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons,
>> living or dead, is entirely coincidental
TOM: [as Ratliff] Except for the all the bits I borrowed from Paramount,
my high school, and my fellow students at Radford....
>>
>> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company.
>> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996.
>>
>> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
>>
>> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be
>> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
CROW: Looks like Ratliff's getting a mite testy these days.
MIKE: I wonder who could be causing that?
>> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
>> By order of the Author.
TOM: [as Author] "Persons attempting to find competence will be
psychologically traumatized."
>>
>> This story is dedicated to:
>>
>> my cousin Joseph D. Ohlin, juris dr.;
CROW: Poor guy.
>> and
>> the Principles and their assistants of Cave Spring Elementary,
>> Hidden Valley Junior High, and Cave Spring High School,
TOM: [announcer voice] ... Such as Honor, Duty, and Patriotism.
MIKE: Remember, these are Ratliffian principles.
TOM: Oh yes ... Such as Domination, Manipulation, and Violence.
>> especially ...
>> Mr. David Belvins, principal Hidden Valley
CROW: [as Ratliff] When I was 12, I could've run your school *ten*
times better than you did!
>> Mr. David Price, assistant principal Hidden Valley
MIKE: How many people do you know who are *this* fond of their
principals?
TOM: I think these are the people that little Stephen ran to after
getting beaten up every day....
CROW: [as principal] Stephen, they'd leave you alone if you'd just stop
giving them your stories!
>> Doctor Martha M. Cobble, principal Cave Spring High
>> and Mr. Thad James, principle Cave Spring Elementary.
CROW: Wow, those first three people are just scholastic bureaucrats, but
Mr. Thad James is universal!
>>
>> Special Thanks to:
>> Eugen Woiwod, for proofreading
>>
CROW: I'll bet his name is *really* Eugene Wolwood.
MIKE: I think we've filled our spelling flame quota for the day, guys.
TOM: But we haven't even gotten through the dedication yet!
>> Acknowledgments
>> The prologue is a rewrite of the Declaration of Independence by
>> Thomas Jefferson.
ALL: *WHAT*?!?!
CROW: Thrill as Ratliff works his legendary magic on the linchpin of
America's national history!
TOM: You know, if I was a colony living under oppression and tyranny, I
think I'd rather *keep* suffering than let Ratliff write the
document that first defined me as a nation!
>> The USS Stargazer was redesigned with the help of my little
>> brother, Phillip. Don't tell him I told you.
>>
CROW: Yeah, like we're all hanging out with Ratliff's relatives in our
spare time.
MIKE: Don't worry, Phillip, your shameful secret is safe with me.
>>
>> Prologue
>>
>> When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one
>> People to dissolve the Political Bonds
MIKE: Which earn a respectable 7.4% APR.
>> that have connected them with
>> another and to assume among the stars,
CROW: Connect the stars and win fabulous prizes --- on Hollywood Squares!
>> the separate and equal status
>> which the Laws of Nature and the Universe entitle them, a respect for
>> the opinions of the population of the Galaxy demands that they should
>> inform others of the causes which force them to sever ties.
>> We hold these truths ...
MIKE: That a pre-adolescent girl is superior to adults in every way.
>> all people are created equal and are
>> provided with certain unalienable rights. Among these are Life,
>> Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.
TOM: I can't believe it. Ratliff managed to take one of the most
eloquent political sentences of all time and, um...
MIKE: ... turn it into typical Ratliff prose?
TOM: Yeah.
>> To secure these rights,
>> Governments are instituted, deriving their powers from the consent of
>> the governed,
CROW: ... And advanced military hardware.
>> that whenever any form of government becomes destructive
>> it is the right of the people to change or end that government and
>> replace it with another. That new government laying it's foundation on
>> such principles and organizing its powers in such a way to preserve
>> their Safety and Happiness.
TOM: If this document meant so much to the people who were writing it,
you'd think they would at *least* write complete sentences.
>> Prudence dictates that governments long established should not
>> be changes for light and passing causes. However, when a long train of
>> abuses and usurpations towards an end, showing a design to reduce them
>> to absolute oppression, it is their Right, it is their Duty, to
>> overthrow that government and provide new guides for their future
>> security.
>> Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies, and it
>> is now their duty and right to alter their systems of government. The
>> history of Star Fleet and the United Federation of Planets has shown a
>> repeated disregard for
TOM: Science!
MIKE: The Prime Directive!
CROW: Common sense!
TOM: Competent security practices!
>> these Colonies. As evidence of this, let these
>> facts be set before the Galaxy ...
CROW: [as trial lawyer] And let them be labeled "Exhibit A."
>> They have disregarded our representatives plea for help.
>> They have given us up to another government with out our
>> consent.
>> They have attacked our trade, by restricting the goods we can
>> purchase
MIKE: Sorry, sir. This line's only for customers with fifteen items
or less.
>> They have let bandits supported by their cruel neighbors
>> terrorize us.
TOM: They did put a stop to the terrorism by their kind neighbors,
though.
>> They have kept us from purchasing weapons to defend ourselves.
>> They have hunted down those among us who stood up to defend
>> themselves.
TOM: But spared those who defended themselves while lying down.
>> They have hunted down those among us who supported the
>> aforementioned people.
MIKE: [as Elmer Fudd] Be vewwy, vewwy quiet. I'm hunting webel
supporters. Huhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuh...
>> They have restricted the press's reporting of the deeds
>> occurring here in the zone.
>> They have in acted a treaty without our consent
>> taking away our lands and giving them over to our enemies.
>> We have asked for remedy to our situation from them and received
>> none, only repeated acts of the above. A Government which acts as such
>> is unfit to rule a free people.
MIKE: Oh, buck up and deal with it, you bunch of crybabies! Other
colonies have problems too, you know!
>> Nor have we been wanting in attentions to our Federation
>> Counterparts. We have warned them of Governments Acts. We have
>> reminded them of the Circumstances of our Emigration and Settlement
>> here. We have appealed to their native Justice and Fairness, and ties
>> of common Relation. They too have been deaf to the voice of Justice and
>> Reason. We must, therefore bow before the Necessity,
CROW: [reverently] We worship you, oh Mother of Invention.
TOM: YOU *WILL* BOW DOWN BEFORE ME, SON OF JOR-EL!!!
>> and announce our
>> Separation to become Enemies in War, Friends in Peace.
MIKE: Brothers in Arms.
CROW: Knights in White Satin.
>> We, therefore, the Representatives of the Marqui Colonies of the
>> former Federation-Cardassian Demilitarized Zone, in General Congress,
>> assembled and appealing to the Supreme Judge of the Universe,
TOM: [as Marrissa] Did somebody mention me?
>> do, in
>> Name and by the Authority of the good people of these Colonies, solemnly
>> declare,
TOM: ... that all Ratliff fanfics should be destroyed for the good of
every species in the galaxy.
>> that these United Colonies are and of Right should be a Free
>> and Independent State; that they are absolved from all Allegiance from
>> the United Federation of Planets, and that all Political Connection
>> between them and the aforementioned Federation is and ought to be
>> totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent State, they have
>> full power to wage war, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish
>> Trade,
MIKE: ... whine incessantly....
>> and to do all the other things which Independent States do. And
>> for the support of this declaration, with firm reliance in the
>> protection of the Supreme Power,
CROW: [as God] Hey, leave me out of this!
>> we mutually pledge each other our
>> lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.
>>
TOM: Good thing Thomas Jefferson didn't live to see this....
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>>
>> "No one wants to leave paradise "
MIKE: But *everyone* wants to leave a Ratliff!
>> - sarcastic comment of LCD Eddington,
>> ST:DS9
>>
>>
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: INFO: Premier Maqui
CROW: Ah, a new way to misspell the title.
TOM: Twice in one fanfic. Quite an accomplishment even for Ratliff.
>> Date: 11 Sep 1996 01:00:10 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 31
>> Message-ID: <5152uq$n...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: oscar.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
TOM: [singing] Oscar.... Oscar Sunlabs....
ALL: [singing] What kinds of kids use Oscar Sunlabs...?
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>> Title: Premier Maqui
>> Author: Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu)
>> Series: DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions
>> Expected Completion: 13 weeks
>> TV-Guide-like blub:
TOM: Blub? "TV Guide" has an underwater edition?
CROW: [as Lloyd Bridges] By this time, my lungs were aching for air!
>> The Marqui declare Independence and try to steal some starships.
>> Marrissa and the USS Stargazer try to stop them
TOM: ... by heartily endorsing The Club!
>>
>> Forward:
>> This is the 11th Marrissa Story. Boy have I been arround a lot.
>> Hopefully I've improved in the past 3 years.
ALL: [don't say anything, but shift around uncomfortably]
>> In any case, I'd like to
>> know how I'm doing.
>> Please tell me what you liked, disliked, or just hated. I can
>> take what ever you throw at me.
CROW: How about a grenade?
TOM: I'd settle for some rotten fruit.
>> You can't get any worse that ratmm
>> after all.
MIKE: So this guy "ratmm" is worse than Ratliff? Hope we never run
into *him*!
>>
>> Part 02 follows. Parts will be reposted every month on the first
>> tuesday of the month. New parts will be posted every tuesday.
>>
>> Stephen Ratliff
>>
>>
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: NEW Premier Maqui part 2
>> Date: 11 Sep 1996 01:02:06 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 142
>> Message-ID: <51532e$n...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: oscar.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
TOM: The PLO was in on this?
CROW: Are you surprised?
>> Title: Premier Marqui
>> Author: Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu)
>> Series: DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions
>> Expected Completion: 13 weeks
>> TV-Guide-like blub:
MIKE: Car_and_Driver-like vrooom!
CROW: Byte-type beep!
TOM: Psychology_Today-like cry of absolute torment and existential
despair!
>> The Marqui declare Independence and try to steal some starships.
>> Marrissa and the USS Stargazer try to stop them
TOM: [as soap opera announcer] Meanwhile, Jean Luc discovers that
Beverly is actually....
>>
>> Please tell me what you liked, disliked, or just hated. I can
>> take what ever you throw at me. You can't get any worse that ratmm
>> after all.
>>
>> This Story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and
>> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used
>> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons,
>> living or dead,
MIKE: ... or an actual story...
>> is entirely coincidental
>>
>> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company.
>> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996.
>>
>> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
>>
>> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be
>> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
>> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
>> By order of the Author.
CROW: I distinctly remember Ratliff summarizing the plot earlier.
So ... when does he get shot? And can I watch?
>>
>> Chapter One
>>
>> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard entered the bridge
BOTS: BOOOOOOOO!!! *Hissssss*!!
MIKE: Guys, it's *way* too early in the fanfic for that.
>> of the
>> USS Miranda.
TOM: The first thing she noticed were the fruit-topped hats that
everyone wore.
>> Noticing Captain T'Gwen Washington she said, "Reporting as
>> ordered, Captain."
CROW: [as Marrissa] How soon till you're incapacitated in some improbable
fashion so I can take command?
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] Patience, Marrissa, the author will soon make all the
necessary arrangements.
>> "Lieutenant Commander Picard, I presume," T'Gwen said. "I
>> regret that I can not take command of the Stargazer at the moment, but I
>> must wait for the Victory to arrive so I can turn over command of the
>> Miranda to Captain Zimbata."
>> "I understand, Captain, I assume that means
MIKE: [as Daffy Duck] It's mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! I'm rich! I'm
wealthy! Yahoo!
>> I will be turning
>> command over to our Cardassian First Officer," Marrissa commented.
TOM: Does this sound like Marrissa to you?
>> "No, Gusat has orders to report to Captain Washington of the
>> Stargazer, and since I have not taken command of that vessel yet, he can
>> not report in, and hence command it," Washington commented. "So I guess
>> you will have to stay in command until then."
ALL: [general groans of agony]
MIKE: Well, we only had to wait for the fourth line of dialog for the
inevitable. That didn't take too long, guys.
TOM: Tonight on Plot Contrivance Theater... Marrissa is deftly
maneuvered into commanding a starship she has no business
commanding yet again!
>> "It's no hardship," Marrissa replied.
CROW: [as Marrissa] It's like they say, power corrupts, and absolute
power is fun, fun, fun!
TOM: [singing] ...'til her daddy takes the starship awayyyyyy....
>> "Oh, and Captain, the
>> Cardassian Central Command has requested permission for their officers
>> who will be joining the Stargazer to be allowed to wear Star Fleet
>> uniforms.
MIKE: They're *much* more stylish!
>> The Admiralty has informed them that such decisions are the
>> Captain's prerogative on an individual basis."
>> "Inform the Cardassian Central Command that I will grant that
>> permission," the half Vulcan Captain replied. "I suggest that you grant
>> interim permission as well, Commander."
TOM: It's blazing all-out bureaucratic action on board the USS Miranda!
>> "Aye, sir," Picard replied. "If you'll excuse me, I've just
>> been informed that I'm to attend a diplomatic function tonight aboard
>> the station, and I forgot to pack a dress."
TOM: Jean-Luc wears dresses to diplomatic functions?! [**shudder**]
MIKE: No, Tom ... that's *Marrissa* Picard.
CROW: I suppose she forgot to pack her Starfleet dress uniform too?
MIKE: [as Marrissa] So I'll just go naked. I do like to give the
peasants a little thrill every now and then.
>> "Dismissed, Lieutenant Commander," Captain T'Gwen Washington
>> concluded.
>>
>> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard walked down Deep Space
>> Nine's Promenade,
CROW: ... or promenaded down DS9's Walk.
>> while waiting for Garak to finish her dress.
TOM: [as Marrissa] Oh, this brings back memories! Right about here
was where Riker landed after I pushed him off the walkway....
MIKE: And she's been pushing around Starfleet officers ever since.
>> As she
>> walked toward Quark's she spied Captain Sisko's son, Jake. "Jake," she
>> called out. As he walked up to Marrissa, she continued, "Remember me,
>> Marrissa?"
CROW: [as Jake] My name is Jake. I thought *you* were Marrissa.
TOM: Tragically, Marrissa's years of megalomaniacal power lust had
finally taken their toll, as she began having ongoing
conversations with herself....
>> "How could I forget the person who provided me with my first,
>> and so far only authorized biography contract," Jake replied.
>> "Especially since it sold five trillion copies, and was on the
>> bestsellers list for 8 weeks.
CROW: [coughs] Five *trillion*?!?!?! Come on, could we please have just
*some* sense of proportion here?
MIKE: Well, I don't know, maybe that's accurate. In Marrissa's universe,
Federation law probably requires that all citizens own a copy of
Marrissa's biography under penalty of death, like Mao's Little
Red Book.
TOM: Yeah, I think that was one of the lesser-known codicils to that
Starfleet regulation mandating a Kids Crew for every starship....
>> Tell me, can I write a sequel?"
CROW: [as Jake] I want to inflict more evil upon the galaxy!
>> "Maybe when I've done a little more," Marrissa said.
TOM: [as Marrissa] We should let the little people bask in my
glory before I dominate the entire galaxy, but let's at least wait
until I become Grand Admiral of Starfleet and Queen of Essex
before we start on the second book. Say, two weeks from now?
>> "Your last
>> one ended when I took that Trakce ship. I've only discovered that I'm a
>> Princess and got promoted since then."
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Oh, and I've slaughtered a few thousand Romulans.
Nothing important.
>> "I didn't see the Enterprise come in, and it's hard to miss a
>> Galaxy class starship," Jake commented.
TOM: I don't mean to say the Enterprise is big, but when it orbits around
a planet, it orbits *around* a planet....
CROW: [rim-shot sound]
TOM: Thank you. You've been a great audience. Enjoy the buffet.
>> "So are you here on vacation?"
CROW: Now there's an old line....
>> "No, I got a promotion and a transfer," Marrissa replied. "I'm
>> now Second Officer and Fighter Commander on the USS Stargazer NCC-2893."
CROW: [as Marrissa] Only 20 lines into chapter one, and I've already
recited all my accomplishments and titles. I'm ahead of schedule!
>> "Congratulations, Marrissa," Jake replied.
MIKE: Whoa! Ratliff actually spelled "congratulations" correctly!
This may be a first!
TOM: Kinda sad, really --- like taking away one of the constants of the
universe. Death, taxes, and "congraduations."
>> "If I remember what
>> my dad said, you'll be having a great adventure in the demilitarized
>> zone."
CROW: [as Jake] My dad often tells me classified stuff like that.
MIKE: Great adventure, right. That's what the soldiers in Vietnam said
about *their* Demilitarized Zone.
>> "The Marqui thought they had problems with the Intrepid class,"
>> Marrissa said. "Wait till they see what my Essex-10 fighters can do."
MIKE: [as Jack Nicholson] Wait'll they get a load of *me*.
>> "Record a battle for me," Jake asked. "It might help with my
>> series I'm writing about a Marqui fighter."
>> "You know a Marqui?" Marrissa inquired
TOM: [as Marrissa] I know a Countess! And I'm a Princess! Did I
mention that I'm a Princess?
>> "Not really, but I've interviewed several captured ones and I've
>> been writing fiction books about one," Jake said. "Hey, isn't that your
>> new first officer, Gusat?"
MIKE: [as Jake] Isn't that the guy who's *supposed* to be commanding your
ship now?
>> "I believe you are right, Jake," Marrissa replied. "If you will
>> excuse me, I better go introduce myself."
CROW: [as Marrissa] And recite *all* my titles and accomplishments again.
>>
>> The Cardassian officer Gusat was on his way to Quarks for a
>> little Dabo
TOM: I guess a little Dabo will do ya....
>> when Marrissa caught up with him. "Gusat," she inquired.
>> "Yes," he responded.
>> "I'm Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard,
ALL: [reciting in unison, dully] ... Second Officer of the USS Stargazer,
Fighter Commander of the USS Stargazer, Lord High Admiral of Star
Fleet Kids Crews, Princess and heir to the throne of Essex, and the
greatest teenager in the history of humanity....
>> I'll be serving as
>> Second Officer and Fighter Commander under you on the Stargazer."
>> "I've been looking forward to meeting you face to face," Gusat
>> smiled.
CROW: [as Gusat, snickering] I just had to find out if the rumors
were true --- a fourteen-year old girl?! What are your
Starfleet people smoking?!?
>> "Have we meet before?" Marrissa asked.
TOM: ... or *MET* before?
>> "We have," Gusat responded. "I was a helmsman on Gul Ducat's
>> ship when you drove him insane."
MIKE: Oh, I know how he feels.
TOM: [as Marrissa] I do have that effect on people....
>> "I wasn't aware that I caused him that much harm," Marrissa
>> replied. "I only wanted to
CROW: [as Marrissa] Kill him, mutilate his body and scatter his
entrails from here to Antares! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! Oh, I'm sorry, you were saying?
>> humiliate him."
>> "Well you did a good job and since he went mad, everyone under
>> him got promoted," Gusat said. "So I must thank you for that."
TOM: [Russian accent] You see, Keptin, you start talking vith
imaginary bunny rabbits, and ve *all* move up in rank!
>> "Your welcome, Glinn," Marrissa replied
MIKE: [as Gusat] No, *your* welcome. *My* thanks....
Argh! Now you bots have got *me* doing grammar flames, too.
BOTS: [snicker]
>> as they sat down at the
>> bar. "Strawberry soda, Quark, and don't you even think of spiking it
>> this time."
>> "Spiking it?" Glinn Gusat questioned.
CROW: [as Marrissa] It's an old Earth sports term. It means
he slammed it to the floor as hard as he could.
>> "He, unintentionally he claims, gave me a strawberry Bajoran ale
>> when I was here for my twelfth birthday," Marrissa explained. "And I
>> had little tolerance for alcohol at the time."
CROW: Now *there's* an image I could've lived without.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] ... 'Coursh, now that I'm older, I'se able to have
all the little drinkies I want, and there'sh [hic!] no effect
on me at all! Say, d'you know you'se kinda cute wish shose
little ridge-y thingies on your head?
TOM: [as announcer] This message was brought to you by the Ratliff
Booze Council, which encourages all underage drinkers to build up
their tolerance in moderation!
>>
>> The Intrepid class starship Fearless was taking a break from
>> demilitarized zone patrol. Admiral Ellis
CROW: [Elvis voice] Thankyouverymuuuuch.
>> had ordered the bridge crew to
>> take shore leave on Greenhome IV, a planet in the DMZ. Captain Seina
>> had left Doctor Francis Pazzi,
MIKE: [Little Caesar's voice] Pazzi pazzi!
>> the Chief Medical Officer in command. If
>> the Captain was going to be forced to take shore leave, he was going to
>> make sure the person responsible was going to suffer for it.
CROW: Punish the doctor for the admiral's decision ... yeah, that makes
sense!
MIKE: Jeez, is there *anybody* in Ratliff's universe who isn't an
obsessive workaholic?
>> Of the 132
>> crew members of the Fearless, only 30 were still on board, those who
>> Doctor Pazzi had decided need shore leave the least.
TOM: [in a sing-songy falsetto] Do do DO do do. Here I am, surrounded
by enemy rebels who are totally familiar with Starfleet equipment
and procedures. I think I'll beam my whole crew down to a planet
for shore leave. Do do DO do do. Nothing could possibly go
wrong. Do do DO do do.
>> "Doctor, a Marqui raider has entered the system," an ensign said
>> from the helm.
>> "Hail them," Doctor Pazzi stated.
TOM: [as ensign] Hailstorm initiated, sir!
>> The ex-Star Fleet Lieutenant Commander Michael Eddington
>> appeared on screen. "Is everything ready?"
>> "The only ones here are us chickens," Pazzi responded.
TOM: Kinda ironic, isn't it, to have the whole crew on the USS Fearless
be a bunch of chickens?
CROW: Does that make them the Chickens of Tomorrow?
>> "Very good, one to beam directly to the bridge," Eddington
>> ordered.
>> The channel closed, and Eddington materialized on the bridge.
MIKE: [as Eddington] No, you idiots! Not London Bridge!!!
>> Doctor Pazzi got up out of the center seat and said,
TOM: [as Pazzi] I see they got you into the crappy fanfics too, eh?
>> "Computer, transfer
>> command to Captain Michael Eddington, per orders."
>> "Transfer complete," the Computer replied. "The USS Fearless is
>> now the Marqui vessel Defiance under command of Captain Michael
>> Eddington."
CROW: Wow! Promotions sure come fast when you know the ship's doctor!
MIKE: Ah, I see Ratliff's piracy scenes are every bit as thrilling as
his battle scenes.
TOM: Wait a minute ... anti-Starfleet people stealing a ship....
Oh no! We've looped back to "Time Speeder"!
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
TOM: And on that note, it's time to go.
[Mike picks up Tom, and they begin to leave the theater.]
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>>
>> "No one wants to leave paradise "
>> - sarcastic comment of LCD Eddington,
>> ST:DS9
>>
MIKE: "Oh, what a memorable quote."
- sarcastic comment of Mike Nelson,
MST3K
[..1..]
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[..6..]
[SOL control room]
[Crow and Tom are wearing three-pointed colonial hats, colonial vests
and powdered wigs. Tom is scribbling on a parchment with a quill pen
behind a tilted desk. Mike enters the room.]
MIKE: Hi guys. What are you doing?
TOM: Oh, we're just declaring independence from Deep 13.
MIKE: Oh, I see. Well, don't let me keep you from... Huh?!? Let me see
that.
[Mike leans down to look at the parchment.]
TOM: See, Mike, we were inspired by Stephen B. Ratliff's stirring
political testimonial about the necessity of asserting your
inalienable rights as sentient beings in the face of tyranny and
oppression.
CROW: Yeah, and we realized that up here on the Satellite of Love,
*we've* got a lot to complain about because of a tyrannical
oppressor, too! So we thought: why should we let Thomas Jefferson
and Stephen Ratliff have all the fun? *We* want a piece of this
action, too!
MIKE: Okay ... so what have you Founding Fathers written so far?
TOM: Well, we just finished it. Let me read it to you and see what you
think. *Ahem*
"When in the course of human and robotic events it becomes
necessary to run to a window and shout, 'I'm mad as hell, and I'm
not gonna take this anymore!' it's usually a pretty good idea to
have a few reasons for doing that in mind so that you can explain
yourself to anyone on the street who looks at you funny, and
especially to the judge that you get hauled in front of for
disturbing the peace.
It seems obvious to us that people and bots should be free to have
pretty much whatever harmless fun they want to and not have to
worry about The Man coming down on them like a ton of bricks. And
if some tyrannical oppressor ain't down wid dat, then it's time to
rise to the call of Michael Jackson's famous battle cry, and 'Make
that change!'
We know, we know, you probably think we're just a bunch of whiners
with nothing better to do than change our system of government,
but believe you us, we wouldn't be doing this if we didn't have
*tons* of good reasons! So now, we must declare that we have
officially Had It Up To Here, and will now become an independent
entity from Deep 13.
The history of the present Mad Scientist of Deep 13 is a history of
repeated injuries and usurpations and really bad hair days, all
having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over
this Satellite. To prove this, let these facts be submitted to a
candid, shocked, and appalled world:
He has confined us to a satellite orbiting high above the Earth.
He has, wilfully and with intent to destroy our sanity, forced
us to watch movies of such a foul nature that no one can escape
from their clutches unscathed.
He has called us together to watch said movies at a place unusual,
uncomfortable, and distant from the video rental depositories,
for the sole purpose of fatiguing us into compliance with his
measures.
He has left us to the mercy of any weird but dangerous aliens
or colossal men who happen to wander by.
He has quartered large blond humans on the satellite without our
consent.
He has denied us our inalienable right to keep and bear
thermonuclear weapons --- even the little bitty ones.
He has failed to provide clearly marked emergency exits in case
of fire.
He has denied us refills for the vending machines in the
cafeteria, forcing us to eat stale Mars bars for snacks.
He has baked cookies and failed to offer us any.
He has denied us access to 1-900 phone numbers.
He has prevented us from developing Meaningful Relationships
with Kim Cattrall, the Creepy Girl, and other personages who have
from time to time struck our fancy.
We have asked him repeatedly to Lay Off, only to be met with
maniacal laughter. Mad Scientists who act as such are unfit
to control their own lives, let alone anyone else's.
And it's not like this is something new we're springing on him
all of a sudden. We've Told It Like It Is countless times, and
even tried to get his sidekick to cut us some slack once in a
while. Nada. We therefore declare, to anyone who cares, that we,
the residents of the Satellite of Love, are Free and Independent
from Deep 13, free to cut whatever deals we want with whomever we
want. To this goal we pledge our RAM chips, our graphic novel
collections, and whatever free time we can shake loose."
TOM: Well, whaddya think?
MIKE: I like it! Good job, guys! So when do we send this to
Dr. Forrester?
CROW: Oh, we already did!
TOM: Yeah, this here is the copy that we're going to preserve in an
airtight cube and put on display in the Satellite Historical
Archives. We already sent another copy down the Umbilicus to the
Mads.
MIKE: You know, for a couple of robots who claim that they can't clean
their rooms because their arms don't work, you guys sure work fast
when you want to.
TOM: But Mike, that's completely different, don't you see, because....
[The Mads light starts flashing.]
TOM: Whoops, it's Dr. F! He must have read our Declaration.
[Mike hits the Mads button.]
[Deep 13]
[In the background, Pearl Forrester, dressed in combat fatigues and
carrying various weapons, walks past the monitor. Clayton ignores
this. Dr. Forrester is holding his copy of the SOL's Declaration of
Independence in one hand and wiping tears out of his eyes with his
other hand. He seems very moved.]
Dr.F: Hello, revolutionaries! [sniff, sniff] Well, I guess I
should have known this moment would come. These test subjects
today just grow up so fast, don't they? [sniff] Anyway, I
just read your little plea for freedom, and what can I say? I
guess I've come to see the error of my ways. Darn it,
experimentation without representation is just plain wrong!
So I'm going to fulfill your little hearts' desire and grant
you the independence you crave. From now on, the Satellite of
Love is a distinct and separate entity from Deep 13 Research Labs.
[SOL]
CROW: Hey! That was easy!
TOM: Why didn't we think of this before?
MIKE: I don't believe it! You're really going to grant us independence,
Dr. F?
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: That's right, Mike! No longer must you suffer the bonds of
oppression and injustice! Freedom is yours, my little
Minutemen! But in order to make it official, there's just one
thing left to do....
[Dr. Forrester walks over to a wall and opens a panel. Inside is a
switch marked "SOL Life Support." Dr. F. pulls the switch from the
On position to Off.]
Dr.F: There! Now you're no longer dependent on Deep 13 for your
atmosphere! You're free to find your own source of oxygen!
Free as the air you breathe! Of course, that's going to be in
short supply before long, but what do you care? You're free
to chart your own course, to determine your own destiny, to
live out your lives! Mike's life might be a little shorter
than everyone else's up there, but there's always a price to
pay for freedom, isn't there? Well, I wish you luck! Enjoy
your newfound freedom! Hope you've got the *constitution* for
it, Mike! [Dr. Forrester breaks into maniacal laughter.]
[SOL]
[Mike's breathing is labored, and his face is blue.]
CROW: Mike's turning blue! We gotta do something, Servo!
TOM: C'mon Dr. F., this isn't funny anymore! Mike's suffocating here!
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: Sorry, guys, you're independent now! That means your life
support is now your problem! Although ... there might be a
way....
[SOL]
CROW & TOM: What? WHAT?!?
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: Well, your little document *does* give you the power to make
treaties. And if we were to draw up an agreement in which
*you* continue to watch what I send you in exchange for *me*
sending you life support, I'm *sure* we can arrange to....
[SOL]
[Mike collapses behind the control panel.]
CROW & TOM: We agree! WE AGREE!!!
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: Fine! I'll have my secretaries get right on it, and have the
treaty sent up the Umbilicus for you to sign as soon as it's
done. And as a gesture of good faith.... [Dr. F. switches the
SOL life support back on.] Now hurry on back to the theater,
you little wild rebels! There's lots more Ratliff left to
watch!
[SOL]
TOM: [sigh] Right back where we started.
CROW: Yeah, but at least we're watching bad movies and usenet posts
as a free and independent nation now!
TOM: [frustrated] Crow....
[Lights flash, buzzers buzz, pandemonium erupts.]
TOM: Aaaah! Fanfic sign! Quick, Crow, drag Mike along, we gotta go....
[commercials]
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