MiSTed: "Away From Home, Book 3" (1/2)
Mike Barklage
MiSTed: "Away From Home, Book 3: Chasing Marrissa"
Group MiSTing by: Mike Barklage (editor)
Petrea Mitchell
Todd Gilbert
Here is the third and final part of the MiSTing of Stephen Ratliff's
"Away From Home." If you have not read parts 1 or 2, I strongly
suggest that you do so before reading this. And if you read all
three parts without a break, I strongly suggest that you go lie down
before you hurt yourself.
As always, comments are very welcome. Just send your e-mail to me at
bark...@ucsu.colorado.edu, and I will forward it to the other authors,
Todd Gilbert and Petrea Mitchell.
6...5...4...3...2...1...*...
[Mike and the bots enter the theater. Tom's globe is magically healed.]
MIKE: You gonna be all right, Tom?
TOM: I think so.
MIKE: Because I don't want you conking out anymore. There's a lot more
Ratliff to get through.
CROW: <swoons> Ohhh... now *I* don't feel so good.
MIKE: Don't you start.
> From: srat...@ruacad.ac.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
> Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 17:35:57 GMT
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
> Subject: Away From Home part 15 Chasing Marrissa part 1
CROW: Chasing Marrissa? With baseball bats and iron bars, I hope.
>
>
>
> ________________
> (-___part_15_____\#####AWAY FROM HOME###==---
> _-_ ,-' /
> ____.---'___`---._,-'___/
> \___________________](@)_>
> `'`--.____.-' -==`. \
> `-' ____`._\_________
> (-___part_01_____/#####CHASING MARRISSA#==---
TOM: Ooooh, pretty.
MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, the one good part of this fanfic. Enjoy it
while it lasts.
CROW: Looks like the old Enterprise got kinda wrung out.
>
> A Star Trek the Next Generation Story in the Marrissa Stories
>
> by Stephen Ratliff
TOM: A Next Generation story *in* the Marrissa stories? Marrissa gets top
billing now?
MIKE: She must have one heck of an agent.
>
> Chapter One
> ~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> The Door the Captain
CROW: The Captain, the Door. Now that we all know each other...
> Jean Luc Picard and his daughter Marrissa's
> quarters on Starbase 151 opened. Marrissa's voice was heard saying,"
> I'm not answering anymore questions. No I'm not granting interviews. No
> I will not pose for pictures.
MIKE: No, I will not eat green eggs and ham.
> I just want to spend some time without
> you tailing me everywhere. Now go AWAY."
TOM: <Picard> But Marrissa, I'm your father!
> Marrissa entered the room. A member of the media tried to
> follow her but she quickly turned and sent him into the wall. opposite
> the door.
CROW: With the merest nudge of her telekinetic powers.
> Captain Picard and Counselor Troi were seated on the couch by a
> window overlooking space dock.
MIKE: ...pretending they weren't just naked.
> "I wish I could do that," Captain Picard said,
TOM: <Picard> ...but I'm so old and weak...
> "but I don't think the media would reflect well on a
> Starfleet Captain shoving a reporter into a wall."
> "I just wish I could get away from them," Marrissa fumed.
CROW: Must be a *really* slow news week.
> "I was just telling the Captain that you should take a
> vacation," Troi said. "I was going to recommend on before the
> Enterprise crashed but events got in the way."
<Mike grabs Tom>
TOM: I'm okay with it, Mike. Really.
MIKE: Just making sure.
> "But, how can I get away from the media," Marrissa asked.
> "They follow me to class, to dinner, even into the locker room."
CROW: Those aren't reporters, honey. They're child pornographers.
> "That may be a problem," Troi commented.
> "Maybe not," Captain Picard said. "The Media will follow any
> blond haired girl with Lieutenant's pips."
MIKE: Hey, that's dirty!
> "I'm sure Clara and Shayna will be glad to help," Marrissa said.
> "I've got three officers leaving the Starbase tomorrow," Picard
> said. "LaForge, Data, and Riker."
TOM: <sings> Earthborn seeds fly outward, let the stars beware!
> "Clara will be going will Data anyway," Marrissa stated. "I
> hope she enjoys the Daystorm Institute for Engineering and Museum. "
CROW: The Institute for Engineering and... Museuming?
> "Commander Riker is going to Deep Space Nine and LaForge, Risa,"
> Troi informed.
MIKE: You'd think that would be the other way around.
> "I'll take Risa," Marrissa said.
TOM: I'll take Manhattan!
> "Shayna's parents will allow
> her to go to Deep Space Nine with Commander Riker, who they think highly
> of.
CROW: Of course, we're not sure *why*...
> However, they wouldn't let her go to Risa under any circumstance."
MIKE: No spring breaks in her future.
> "I have a problem with Risa," Captain Picard said, dryly.
TOM: It really blocks me up.
> "Da-ad," Marrissa persuaded, "I'll be good, and its not like I'm
> looking for guys.
CROW: <Marrissa> I'll be looking for *chicks*!
> In fact I imagine that that would be hard for me do
> do on any planet.
MIKE: <Marrissa> But I'll have some laxatives with me. They should help.
> Plus, this is supposed to be a vacation alway from the
> media. Tell me would you look for a 13 year old daughter of a starship
> Captain on Risa?"
TOM: Would you look for *any* 13 year old on Risa?
> "Al-right you can go," Picard caved in.
CROW: Ugh. I'm not cleaning that up.
> "However if I here a
> word of about a problem from Commander LaForge ... your next assignment
> will be the most back-breaking I can find."
MIKE: Don't worry, I'm sure LaForge will behave.
> "It may be advisable to go under an assumed name," Troi
> suggested.
> "Already chosen," Marrissa said.
> "What," Picard asked.
TOM: Cher!
> "Amber Flores, Its perfectly legal for me to use," Marrissa
> said. "I think its time for a sleep over."
CROW: Whee! Let's paint each other's nails, then have a pillow fight!
>
> The next morning, the Media followed a blond haired girl in a
> Lieutenant's uniform exiting the Picard family quarters with Data.
> More than two thirds of the Starbase's media booked passage on the
> star liner to the Daystorm Institute with them.
MIKE: <reporter> Well, it's not Marrissa, but let's follow her anyway.
> Around Noon another blond girl in Starfleet uniform left with
> Commander Riker for Deep Space Nine. The rest of the media left
> Starbase 151 to follow them.
TOM: All two of them.
> This left no media to spy the blond girl
> in T-shirt and slacks leave with Geordi LaForge.
CROW: So, then... the media in the future is rock-stupid?
>
>
>
> Chapter Two
> ~~~~~~~~~~~
> Arriving at Risa, Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge and
> Lieutenant Marrissa Picard approached the registration desk.
MIKE: *The* registration desk? What is Risa, a spacegoing hotel?
> "You are sir," The hotel clerk asked.
> "Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge, starship Enterprise"
TOM: ...or what's left of it.
> "Room 138 in the West Wing," he responded. "And you are young
> lady?"
CROW: <Geordi> No, *she* is young lady. I am blind black man.
> "Amber Flores," Marrissa responded.
> "Room 139 in the West wing, the Valet will take your bags," the
> clerk said.
>
MIKE: No one will be seated during the intense "Hotel Registration" scene.
> Meanwhile across the room
TOM: Oh, so Risa's just a room.
> a couple of Starfleet Lieutenants were
> discussing the young lady checking in. "I'm sure that's Marrissa
> Picard, the youngest Lieutenant in Starfleet," Lieutenant Chris Crocker
> said.
CROW: Hey, look, it's a Deus Ex Moronica.
> "I doubt the famous Captain Picard would let his daughter visit
> Risa" Lieutenant Phillip Andrews junior replied.
> "But that's Picard's Chief Engineer with her," Crocker rebutted.
> "Surely that would be a sufficant escort."
MIKE: Who, LaForge? The guy who fell into a plasma tube last section and
found out a pre-teen could do his job?
> "However it could ..."
> "Your not going to suggest that she's his date," Crocker
> interrupted.
TOM: Chris Crocker, heir to the cake mix empire!
> "Their may not be a minimum age on Risa, but I doubt
> Lieutenant Commander LaForge is that sdespurt.
MIKE: Hey, this is Geordi "Holodeck Lover" LaForge, so you never know.
CROW: I'm still trying to figure out how Ratliff got from "desperate" to
"sdespurt."
> I mean dating the
> Captain's daughter that is really going far for a date."
MIKE: Hey, *every* woman is some Captain's daughter.
> "We haven't proven that she is Marrissa Picard," Andrews
> replied.
> "That's easy enough, we ask her," Crocker responded getting up.
CROW: I guess these losers really don't have anything better to do.
>
> Meanwhile Marrissa was telling Geordi, "I think I'll change into
> my swimming suit and get some use out of the pool."
TOM: And do something about that G rating.
> "I've got to report our arrival to the Captain," Geordi replied.
> "I'll see you at the pool after I'm done."
MIKE: Can Geordi swim with that visor?
> Geordi exited the lobby and
> Marrissa began walking across the room to the West wing entrance.
CROW: Which of course brings us to... Max Geldray!
> Halfway to the arch way Lieutenants Crocker and Andrews
> intercepted her. "Are you Lieutenant Picard?" Crocker asked.
> "Gentlemen, I'm trying to avoid the media," Marrissa responded.
> "Don't blow my cover.
TOM: Well, that whole assumed name thing didn't last too long.
MIKE: Couldn't she have just said "no, I'm not"?
> By the way, who are you?"
> "I'm Lieutenant Phillip Andrews of the Baltimore. This is
> Lieutenant Chris Crocker of the same."
CROW: The USS Same? That's a lousy name for a starship.
> "Phillip Andrews, I had a Captain by that name under my command
> at Naklab," Marrissa responded. "Any relation?"
> "He's my father," Andrews replied.
> "Oh really," Marrissa commented.
MIKE: <Marrissa> Like the doings of you ordinary mortals really interest me.
> "Gentlemen, if you will excuse me I have to change. See you later."
TOM: <Marrissa> I have to go find some *interesting* people.
> Marrissa entered the west wing.
> "I told you she was Marrissa Picard," Crocker said.
> "She never told us her name," Andrew replied.
> "But what other young girl commanded your father?' Crocker
> pointed out.
CROW: Well, if you don't count Bunny down at the strip club...
> "You do have a point," Andrews conceded.
>
> Data and Clara had arrived at the Daystorm institute. Clara was
> already out of her Marrissa disguise. Reporters were all over the
> place looking for Marrissa. "Do you think we should tell them?" Clara
> asked.
> "Wait awhile, I am finding this quite humorous," Data said with
> a glint of laughter.
MIKE: Data, your emotion chip needs some fine-tuning.
TOM: See, even *he* can't take this story seriously.
> "What do you think will happen when we tell them about the news
> conference at Deep Space Nine?" Clara questioned.
> "We will find out how may reporters can fit in a shuttle craft,"
> Data dead panned. Clara broke down laughing.
>
CROW: Repair crew to shuttle bay 3...
MIKE: Boy, she's easily amused.
> Commander Riker and a blond haired girl in a uniform with
> lieutenant's pips arrived at Deep Space Nine.
TOM: Oh, that Riker, he changes women as often as he changes his socks!
> A press conference was set up on the Promenade.
CROW: What a coincidence! We were going to hold a press conference, too!
> As the girl made her way to the podium, Riker
> pushed questioning reporters aside.
MIKE: <reporter> Hey, there's only three of us here! You don't have to push!
> Standing behind the podium the girl began, "Ladies and
> Gentlemen of the media, I suppose you want to ask me questions like :
TOM: "Why the hell are you pretending to be Marrissa Picard?"
> How does it feel to be Captain Picard's daughter? What is Captain Picard
> like?
CROW: ...when he's not liquored up.
> and How did you pull off the Naklab Treaty?"
MIKE: ...and slip into something more comfortable?
> "I'd love to answer those questions," the girl said removing her
> blond wig revealing her short brown hair. "but as you can see I'm not
> Marrissa Picard."
TOM: Ooh, it was Shayna all along!
CROW: <Shayna> And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been
for you meddling kids!
> A gasp and a wig when though the media.
MIKE: Hey, Ratliff almost turned a good phrase.
> "I am Shayna Sachs,
TOM: <Shayna> ...and I am an alcoholic.
> Marrissa's current Kid's crew chief engineer. When activated I
CROW: ...wet myself and say "mommy".
> hold the rank of acting-Lieutenant.
MIKE: When in reality I simply can't act.
> My job was to put you off Marrissa's scent
> so she could use some of her two months accumulated leave time to get
> away from the stress you were causing her."
> "However, Marrissa has sent a recorded statement for you.
> Copies will be made available later."
TOM: ...for the low price of $19.95. Plase buy souveneirs in the lobby.
> The Cardassian view screen came to life with the view of Marrissa
> sitting behind a desk with a star field in the background.
CROW: So it's a still-life.
> "Welcome to Deep Space Nine, Ladies and Gentlemen," Marrissa
> began. "I hope you have enjoyed your trip.
MIKE: Remember to record your frequent flier miles.
> As you have no doubt
> discovered I am not at Deep Space Nine or the Daystorm Institute for
> Engineering.
TOM: <Marrissa> And I'm not on Risa either.
> I am taking a vacation in order to releave the stress
> which you have caused since the Enterprise crashed."
TOM: <Marrissa> But don't look for me on Risa, because I'm not there.
> "I will be granting interviews to at least two reporters upon my
> return ...
MIKE: Woodword and Bernstein.
> if no report bothers me during my vacation. They will be
> chosen by drawing names from a hat such as this one." Marrissa held up
> Captain Picard's Dixon Hill hat.
CROW: <Marrissa> He won't need this where he's gone! Mwahahahahaaaa!
> "Some reporters are barred from this
> drawing due to their behavior on Starbase 151."
MIKE: They will spend the week with their nose in a corner.
> "Those are IPB's Peter Romanof
TOM: Oh, I've had Peter Romanof in a nice mushroom sauce.
> and WWB reporter Dig Kim who
> chose to follow me into the Girl's Locker room.
CROW: He used to work for Victor Kiam.
> In addition FNN
> report/co-anchor Carlos Velasquez, for breaking into my room. A warrant
> has been issued for your arrest for breaking and entering,
> tress-passing,
MIKE: He was trading her hair?
> and invasion of privacy. I do not appreciate waking up to
> find some stranger at the foot of my bed.
TOM: Unless it's Brad Pitt, of course.
> "In order to answer some of your question my official report on
> the Trakce attack on Dublin will be released to you with the permission
> of Starfleet. End Recording
>
>
MIKE: <reporter> I can't believe I'm here trying to interview some
stupid kid.
CROW: <ditto> Yeah, I wish I could cover some real news.
>
>
> Chapter Three
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> On Risa, Marrissa was relaxing by the pool. Lieutenants Andrews
> and Crocker were admiring her for the other side.
ALL: <stunned silence>
CROW: Mike, this is wrong.
MIKE: I know.
TOM: They're leering at a 13-year-old girl!
MIKE: I know!
> "Too bad she is a Lieutenant," Andrews sighed.
CROW: <Andrews> I could really go for some statutory rape.
> "Too bad she is a Captain's daughter," Crocker responded.
> "Too bad she is too young," Andrews said.
TOM: Stop it! STOP IT!!
MIKE: This is like fantasizing about your little sister.
> At that Ensign Najib Fahim joined the Lieutenants admiring
> Marrissa.
CROW: Hi, token minority reporting for duty.
> "What's this Phillip," he asked. "Some one is to young for you."
MIKE: Guys, we're getting a dark, disturbing glimpse into Ratliff's mind.
> "That girl over their," Andrews pointed out. "But she is
> definitely off limits."
> "Oh - finally someone the great Phillip Andrews won't touch,"
> Najib replied. "I will have to spread the word that he is losing his
> touch."
ALL: BOO!
TOM: Come on, this isn't "Romeo and Juliet"!
> "We know better," Crocker said. "You don't mess around with a
> Captain's daughter."
CROW: Are you implying that if she was anyone else's 13-year-old daughter,
she'd be fair game?
> "I'm not a scared little Lieutenant," Ensign Fahim said as he
> began walking around the pool toward Marrissa.
TOM: Ensign Buttafuoco springs into action!
> "That's right you are an Ensign who was a Lieutenant before he
> shot the Captain's wife out the torpedo bay," Andrews replied.
MIKE: A demotion for murder one? What does it take to get kicked out of
Starfleet??
CROW: Well, murder's okay, but they're really strict about neatness.
> Najib
> ignored the jibe and continued on. "Ten credits says he winds up in the
> pool," Andrews bet.
> "You're on," Crocker replied.
TOM: <whimpers> They're betting on whether or not he can seduce a
13-year-old!
> Najib approached the young Lieutenant Picard. After delivering
> some pick up line Marrissa slapped him.
ALL: YAY!!
> He said something else and she stocked off. Najib pursued her.
MIKE: Hit him harder this time!
> As they neared the pool she stopped,
> turned around, and shouted, "I hope you can swim." Marrissa then pushed
> Najib into the pool.
CROW: And for one brief shining moment, I admire her.
> "Pay up Chris," Andrews said.
> "When we get back to our quarters," Crocker replied. "Do you
> think we should help Najib out?"
> "Wait a minute, he got himself into it," Andrews responded. "He
> can get himself out of the pool."
>
TOM: He baked his bread, let him swim in it... or something like that.
MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, please accept our sincerest apologies for that
last scene.
> Meanwhile back at Starbase 151, Captain Jean-Luc Picard was
> visiting an old friend.
CROW: An old friend by the name of "Jack Daniels".
> "Welcome to the Stargazer, Captain Picard,
> Doctor Crusher," Montgemrey Scott replied.
TOM: No Star Trek character shall escape this fanfic unscathed!
> "'bout time the Captain of record visited."
> "Captain of record?" Picard asked.
MIKE: Duke of Earl?
> "You were the last commanding officer the Stargazer had," Scotty
> said. "She's been in dock for the last five years waiting for someone
> to decide what to do with her. Fortunately I picked her up as the first
> ship to be converted to a fighter carrier in 80 years."
CROW: Um... why? Is Scotty planning on waging his own little war or
something?
> "Just what does that entail?" Picard inquired.
TOM: Booze. And lots of it.
> "Expansion of Main Shuttle bay," Scotty began. "Upper and lower
> warp pairs becoming detachable support vessels. Saucer underside
> remodeling including new deflector disk and pass through shuttle bay with
> floor/wall doors."
MIKE: Why not just build a whole new ship instead?
CROW: "This Old Ship," with Bob Vila.
> "Sounds like a big job," Doctor Crusher commented.
TOM: <Crusher> Could someone tell me what I'm doing in this scene?
> "That it is lassie, that it is," Scotty said.
MIKE: But I'll just get my assistant Al to do all the work.
> "Then she will be out of service for quite some time," Picard
> stated.
> "Only a couple more years, and only six months of those will she
> be unable to be called into service," Scotty replied.
> "How much is done so far?" Picard asked.
> "The structural reframing around the fighter bay, turbolift
> reconfiguration and remodeled sick bay by Doctor McCoy," Scotty listed.
TOM: Ooh, a sickbay designed by a crotchety 140-year-old doctor.
CROW: I wonder how many prune juice dispensers and recliners there'll be.
> "Let's see this new sick bay," Crusher requested.
> "This way."
MIKE: Dr. McCoy is the corpse in the second bed.
>
> Meanwhile Counselor Troi was on her way to Betazed. She had
> hitched a ride on the Coral Sea.
CROW: You sass that Deanna Troi? She's one hoopy frood.
> The Coral Sea was a day out of the
> Daystorm Institute for Engineering where the crew had partied with the
> Sutherland's crew for Mardi Gras.
ALL: Woo! Party!!
> Unfortunately the Command Crews of
> both ships had come down with food poisoning.
TOM: <chuckling> Suddenly it's "Airplane"!
> "Bridge to Counselor Troi."
ALL: <barf noises>
> "Troi here."
> "Call from Starfleet Command for you."
ALL: <more barf noises>
> "Patch it down here," Troi replied.
> Admiral Necheyev appeared on screen. "Commander Troi," she
> said.
CROW: <Leslie Nielsen> I just wanted to tell you good luck, we're all
counting on you.
> "Admiral"
> "You are aware of the situation on board the Coral Sea?"
> Necheyev asked.
MIKE: They're partyin' like it's 2399!
> "Yes, the Command crew is down with food poisoning and unlikely
> to recover this week," Troi responded.
TOM: How do you get food poisoning from replicators, anyway?
> "A young Lieutenant is in command and most of the crew is nervous."
CROW: Oh, only the high-ranking officers are allowed to party.
> "Lieutenant Watson has asked to be relieved," Admiral Necheyev
> stated.
MIKE: He's been on the bridge without a bathroom break for two days now.
> "I have seen fit to grant his request. Commander Troi, you are
> hereby field promoted to Captain and assigned the command of the Coral
> Sea until such time as her regular commanding officer is medically fit
> for command."
ALL: <general snickering>
TOM: Captain Troi? Isn't that like saying President Quayle?
> "But, I'm a ship's Counselor," Troi protested.
CROW: Well, I guess if a PMSing preteen can command a starship, so can you.
> "Trust me you are admiralablily suited for the Coral Sea's
> mission," Necheyev said.
MIKE: <Troi> Oh, now I'm an admiral too?
> "Which is?"
TOM: Look hot and discover the obvious.
> "After arriving at Betazed," Necheyev began. "You will depart
> at Ambassador Troi's conveinance on coarse to Deep Space Nine.
> Delivering her in time for the trade conference."
CROW: Like we said, *no* character shall escape unscathed!
>
> Jay Gordon was in the middle of a three hour training session for
> the Independence's Kid's Crew when sick bay called.
MIKE: Oh great, the Kids' Crew is franchising.
> "Doctor Anderson to Jay Gordon."
TOM: <singing> AN-derson, that's me!
> "Jay here."
> "The Away Team has brought up a virus which is rapidly
> spreading," the Doctor said.
CROW: They should start wearing condoms on those away missions.
MIKE: Actually, it's not a virus, just an acute reaction to this fanfic.
> "You Kid's crew has been isolated since
> they returned. Please remain so. You can beam directly to the Battle
> Bridge and take command. The Captain has logged the appropriate orders."
TOM: Stephen Ratliff, master of the plot convenience.
> "Are you sure the virus isn't floating around there?" Jay
> asked.
CROW: Certain. It's hermetically sealed from the background plot.
> "The Battle Bridge and the attached barracks and ready room have
> an independent Envornmental System," the Doctor replied. "No one has been
> in either area in weeks."
MIKE: I guess they decided drills and maintenance were too much of a bother.
> "Keep me informed, Jay Gordon out."
TOM: Anyone else smell a conspiracy here?
>
>
>
> Chapter Four
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> After pushing Ensign Fahim into the pool because of his indecent
> proposals.
CROW: ...Marrissa decided not to speak in complete sentences.
> Marrissa (a.k.a. Amber Flores) Picard spied Geordi La Forge
> And joined him.
TOM: Okay folks, just in case you forgot, Marrissa is using the name AMBER
FLORES. Now back to the show.
> "What did you do that for?" Geordi asked.
> "he though that he could get some where with me," Marrissa
> said. "So I arranged for him to cool off."
MIKE: Hey, she could be an action hero with wisecracks like that.
> At that moment a purple transporter beam enveloped Marrissa.
TOM: D'oh!
CROW: That'll happen.
> After she disappeared Geordi sprung into action
MIKE: Spring-action LaForge with kung-fu grip!
> as Lieutenants Andrews
> and Crocker approached, "Lieutenant Commander La Forge to Risan Space
> Control," he said after tapping his communicator.
> "Risan control here."
CROW: Bureau 13 awaiting orders.
> "There has been an unauthorized transport of my charge from the
> Risan Hotel pool area," Geordi stated. "Where did she go?"
> "Sensor logs indicate she was beamed aboard ... oh my God," the
> Risan Space controller said.
TOM: That would be NCC-0001.
> "A Trakce ship has her and she's leaving the system -- fast."
MIKE: Great god almighty, we're free at last!
> Lieutenant Andrews and Crocker reached LaForge. "Commander
> LaForge, the Polaris is in orbit, perhaps she can catch the Trakce
> ship," Andrews said.
> "Risan Space Control, clear the Polaris for immediate
> departure," La Forge ordered. "LaForge out. LaForge to Polaris, three
> to beam up."
CROW: <Polaris officer> Okay, but who the hell are you?
>
> Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge, Lieutenant Phillip Andrews
> and Lieutenant Chris Crocker matterailized in the transporter room of the
> Intrepid class starship Polaris.
TOM: So, they're lieutenants, I guess.
MIKE: Pretty much.
> "Computer, who is the senior officer aboard?"
> "Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge."
MIKE: The regular command crew must have fallen down a plot hole.
> "Who is in Command?
> "Lieutenant junior grade Ace Perry acting Chief Engineer."
CROW: <Cockney accent> You were never Ace. Ace-hole maybe, but never Ace.
> "Note in Log, Emergency transfer of Command, under Reg 201,"
> Geordi ordered. "Reason hot pursuit of Kidnapers of Star fleet Officer.
TOM: Well, I wouldn't exactly say *hot* pursuit.
> Lieutenant Crocker, get down to Engineering and bring this ship up to up
> to Enterprise standards. I hope you haven't forgotten in the past two
> years since you left."
> "Aye, sir."
CROW: <Crocker> I'll set up some plot contrivances right away, sir.
MIKE: Does that mean yes, he has, or yes, he hasn't?
> "Transfer of Command confirmed," the Computer said as Geordi and
> Lieutenant Andrews entered the turbolift.
> "Phillip are you still the second best pilot in Star fleet?"
> Geordi asked.
TOM: <Andrews> Um, no, that's just a pick-up line I use, sir.
> "Bridge."
> "No, Paris is back in Star fleet
MIKE: A Voyager reference! By my count, Ratliff has now used every single
Star Trek show in this fanfic!
> and some young Lieutenant beat
> my ratings last month," Phillip Andrews replied.
CROW: But I'm still leading in the syndicated markets!
> "And I don't think anyone is going to beat Commander Riker any time soon.
TOM: Too bad Riker never actually does any piloting.
> "That young Lieutenant, is it Marrissa Picard?" Geordi asked.
> "Yes."
> "I hope you aren't too eager to reenter the top three,"
> Lieutenant Commander LaForge said as the Turbolift opened onto the
> bridge.
MIKE: <Andrews> Well, actually...
> "Take CONN Lieutenant. Set an intercept course for the Trakce
> vessel. I want you to overtake her as soon as possible."
CROW: Tried that on the planet, sir.
>
> The Intrepid class vessel left orbit. Her warp Engines moved
> into position and the Polaris went into warp."
TOM: What's the point of having moving warp nacelles, anyway?
MIKE: Well, it's like the sports cars with headlights that move up and
down - it's not functional, but it looks neat.
> "Tactical, distance to and speed of the Trakce vessel," LaForge
> asked.
> "1 million km, speed is warp 7 and increasing," the tactical
> officer said.
> "Our speed is warp 8 and increasing," Andrews informed.
CROW: <Andrews> Oops, we just passed them.
> "Go to Red Alert," LaForge ordered.
TOM: <Geordi> By the way, hi, I'm your new commanding officer.
> "Bridge to Engineering"
> "Engineering, Crocker here."
> "Give me everything we have, I want at least 9.98," LaForge
> commanded.
MIKE: <Andrews> But we don't *have* 9.98, sir.
> "Aye sir"
> "Status, Tactical."
> "Distance, three light years, speed warp 9 still increasing"
> "Our speed is now warp 9.5," Andrews supplied.
> "They have passed warp 9.99" tactical announced.
CROW: <auctioneer> Sold American!
> "We are steady at warp 9.98 and losing ground," Andrews
> responded.
TOM: We need to round off, and fast!
> "Damn, open a channel to Captain Picard, at Star base 151,"
> LaForge commanded.
MIKE: Ensign Damn?
>
> Meanwhile on the Stargazer, Captain Picard was looking around
> his old bridge while Scotty and Doctor Crusher looked at the new
> Sick bay. "Star base Communications to Captain Jean-Luc Picard."
> "Picard here," he said, sitting down in his old command chair.
CROW: ...and deciding that rattan wasn't really his style anymore.
> "You have a priority one message from Lieutenant Commander
> LaForge," the Star base informed.
> "Patch it over to the Stargazer's main view screen," Picard
> ordered.
> Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge appeared on screen sitting
> in the Captains Chair of a Intrepid class vessel.
TOM: So, guys, what rank is LaForge again?
ALL: LIEUTENANT COMMANDER.
> "Captain, Marrissa
> has been kidnapped by a Trakce vessel," he informed Marrissa's adopted
> father.
CROW: So, like, he'll care and stuff.
> "I have borrowed the Polaris and I am in pursuit.
MIKE: She owes me ten bucks.
> However they are at warp 9.99 and we are at 9.98."
TOM: <Geordi> I feel so inadequate.
> "Anything I can do?" Picard asked.
CROW: Yeah, break out the champagne and noisemakers.
> "Actually yes, their coarse will take them within three light
> years of you thought the Robinson Nebula," LaForge replied.
TOM&CROW: JOEL!!
MIKE: So *that's* where he's gotten to.
> "If you could arrange a welcoming party ..."
> "I think I can do that," Picard replied.
TOM: Hors d'ouevres, party hats, confetti... it'll be fun!
> "Keep me advised, Stargazer out. Picard to Scotty."
> "Scotty here."
CROW: Snot here, Captain.
MIKE: What's not there?
CROW: I said, Snot here, Captain!
TOM: Acknowledgements to Bobby Pickett and Peter Ferrara.
> "Can we take the Stargazer out?" Picard asked. "Someone just
> kidnapped my daughter and will be passing within three years of here.
MIKE: Oh, we've got plenty of time, then.
CROW: She'll almost be legal in three years.
> "Aye, sir, I've been needing to test structial stress under
> warp," Scotty said. "And it is your command."
TOM: <Scotty> Just have her back by nine. And no scratches!
> "Thank you Admiral, send the Doctor to the Bridge," Picard said.
> "Captain Picard to Lieutenant Lochard."
> "Lochard here."
> "Sorry to interrupt your double date with Ensign Henderson, but
> I need a bridge crew for the Stargazer and you come highly recommended,"
> Picard said.
CROW: I heard you have *great* brown-nosing skills!
> "I will be right their as will Ensign Szustkowski, Ensign
> Henderson, and Ensign Williams," Lochard replied.
MIKE: He's the one who keeps waking us up with "Gooooood moooorning,
Enterprise!"
> "How did you know that I was on a date."
TOM: <Picard> I am Criswell!
> "Adopting Marrissa has done wonders for my connection to the
> rumor mill.
CROW: She leads the Kids' Crew Spy Ring. Her agents are everywhere!
> Picard out"
>
>
> Chapter Five
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> The Stargazer was waiting by the Robinson Nebula for the Trakce
> and the Polaris.
TOM: Joel! Help us, Joel!
> "Mr. Lochard, time to Trakce arrival?" Captain Jean-Luc Picard inquired.
CROW: <Tor Johnson> Time for Trakce arrival?
> "Three minutes, They are still on a direct coarse," Lieutenant
> Ross Lochard said from tactical.
> "Captain, how do you know that they are going to drop out of
> warp here?" Ensign Katherine Szustakowski asked from CONN.
> "Entering this nebula at warp speed causes a catastrophic warp
> field failure," the Captain responded.
MIKE: Ho hum, another space anomaly that doesn't obey the laws of physics.
TOM: So *that's* what happens to the Voyager at the end of their intro!
> "They will stop here, one way or another."
CROW: It's the last chance for gas for 200 light years.
>
> Meanwhile on the Polaris, Geordi La Forge was looking for ways to
> speed his command up.
MIKE: The drugs just weren't working.
> "What's the speed now, Phillip?" he asked.
TOM: 20% pure, sir.
> "Warp 9.982,"
CROW: ...or so.
> Lieutenant Phillip Andrews responded.
> "Engineering to Bridge."
> "Bridge here," La Forge responded.
> "Please check my readings," Lieutenant Chris Crocker asked.
MIKE: Yes folks, he is *still* a lieutenant, just in case you were wondering.
> "Power levels are warp 9.2 equivailant, but speed reads 9.982"
TOM: Try flicking the dial - sometimes it gets stuck.
> "Phillip?" La Forge asked.
> "Readings confirmed," Andrews confirmed.
> "Gentlemen, I think we have just found another warp asintote,"
> La Forge said.
CROW: That's nice... what the hell are you talking about?
> "Captain, the Trakce vessel is coming out of warp," Andrews
> announced.
MIKE: Oh, it figures, just when they find the warp asin-thingy.
>
> The bright yellow Trakce vessel stood out on the black
> background of space opposite the Stargazer and the rainbow colored
> Robinson Nebula.
MIKE: <waving arms> Joel! Can you see us? Help!
> "Open Hailing Frequencies," Picard ordered.
> "Hailing Frequencies open," Lochard responded.
TOM: <Lochard> ...and might I add that you look absolutely striking this
morning?
> "This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship
> Stargazer. You have my daughter. I would like her back."
MIKE: Well, at least he's short and to the point.
> The black face Trakce Ath Ressel appeared on screen.
ALL: <uncontrolled laughter>
CROW: "Ath Ressel"?
> "So we meet
> again, Captain Picard," he said. "You seem to have gone down in the
> galaxy.
TOM: Thirty-seven times?!
> Last time I met you had a larger ship. Now the tables are turned."
> "I borrowed my old command. Are you returning my daughter?"
> "No"
MIKE: Not even a piece or two?
> "That's to bad I was looking forward to seeing her again."
TOM: <Picard> Oh well, I give up. You can have her.
> "You'll see her all-right ... in my brig," Ath Ressel concluded,
> cutting the channel.
CROW: <Picard> Oh yeah, well, double dumb-ass on you!
> "Captain, the Trakce vessel has raised shields and are charging
> weapons," Lieutenant Lochard announced.
MIKE: <Lochard> And I'd just like to say that you handled that beaut--
TOM: <Picard> Shut up, Ross.
> "Raise shields, ready phasers and photon torpedoes," Picard
> ordered. "Target engines and weapons."
CROW: Ours or theirs, sir?
> "Incoming," Ross replied. "Shields up."
> "Evasive." Picard commanded.
>
> Purple bolts shot out of the yellow Trakce ship toward the
> Stargazer. The Stargazer neatly side stepped it.
MIKE: Then did a quick plie'.
> The Trakce vessel then
> moved to go around the Stargazer and into the nebula.
TOM: <Picard> Damn! We didn't count on that!
>
> "Helm new coarse, 271 mark 3," Picard ordered. "Keep them out
> of the Nebula. Mr Lochard fire phasers.
>
> The Stargazer and the Trakce ship paralleled each other and the
> nebula, the Stargazer slightly ahead. The Stargazer continued to pound
> the Trakce vessel. Then the Intrepid class starship Polaris came out of
> warp on the opposite side of the Trakce ship from the Stargazer.
> Withering under the cross fire from the two Starfleet vessels the Trakce
> vessel slowed.
MIKE: What happened to not firing on a ship in case the prisoner got hurt?
TOM: Since it's Marrissa, I don't really care.
> Backing out of the cross fire it turned across the rear
> of the Stargazer, and executing a final run fled into the Nebula.
>
CROW: That wasn't much of a fight.
MIKE: Hey, by Ratliff standards, that was a friggin' John Woo film.
> "Damn," Captain Picard said.
TOM: <Picard> No way we can follow them in there.
> "Mr. Lochard, nearest vessels on the other side of the Nebula."
CROW: Mr. Lochard, all other vessels in the story.
> "The Independence and the Coral Sea are passing though the
> area," Ross Lochard said.
MIKE: Gosh, what a *coincidence* that Jay and Troi were just put in command
of those two very ships!
> "The Sutherland is stationed at the Daystorm
> Institute for Engineering on the coarse they were flying before."
CROW: Must have been pretty *rough*. Hee hee...
> "Contact the Independence," Picard commanded.
> "Independence responding."
> "On screen."
> Jay Gordon appeared on the main view screen on the battle bridge
> of the Independence. "This is acting-Captain Jay Gordon
TOM: ...Liddy.
> of the Independence, how may I help you Captain Picard."
MIKE: <Picard> Yeah, you can get your acting-ass off of that bridge!
> "Jay, a Trakce ship has kidnapped Marrissa," Picard replied.
> "Be on the lookout. We have just lost them in the Robinson Nebula.
TOM: Keep 'em there, Joel!
> Why are you in command of the Independence?"
CROW: Taking the long view, I'd blame Scooby-Doo.
> "An away team brought a plague on board," Jay answered. "The
> Kid's Crew was isolated, so I got my first command."
MIKE: Everyone else is watching their internal organs dissolve. It's
really cool!
> "Congratulations," Picard said. "I am sending all my
> information. Inform the Stargazer, the Polaris, the Sutherland, and the
> Coral Sea if you spot them. Stargazer out. Open a channel to the Coral
> Sea."
> "Coral Sea responding," Lochard replied.
> "On screen."
> Counselor Troi appeared on the view screen in a red uniform with
> four pips.
CROW: Gladys Knight is gonna be pissed!
> "Starship Coral Sea, Captain Deanna Troi commanding," she said.
> "You are in command of the Coral Sea?" Picard said in disbelief.
TOM: <Picard> But you're dumber than a bag of nails!
MIKE: Much more of this and Picard is gonna quit.
> "Admiral Necheyev thought I'd be a perfect CO for this mission
> when the command crew of the Coral Sea came down with food poisoning,"
> Troi replied.
> "Which is?"
CROW: What happens when you eat food contaminated with bacteria, but that's
not important right now.
> "I am transporting my Mother to Deep Space Nine," Troi
> responded.
TOM: Berman decided to do another crossover episode.
> "Back to why I called you," Picard said quickly. "The Trakce
> have kidnapped my daughter. The Polaris and myself on the Stargazer
> chased them down but lost them in the Robinson Nebula."
> "And you want us to be on the look out for them," Troi
> completed.
MIKE: <Picard> No, I want you to go away. You'll only screw things up.
> "Yes, if you find them, keep up with them and inform the
> Stargazer, the Polaris, the Independence, and the Sutherland," Picard
> asked.
CROW: Donald or Kiefer?
> "The Sutherland may not have a crew," Troi said. "They where at
> the same banquet as the command crew of the Coral Sea."
> "Thank you, Stargazer out."
> As the channel closed, Scotty entered the bridge.
TOM: <Scotty> Any use for me this chapter, Captain?
> "Mr. Lochard get me Lieutenant Commander Data at the Daystorm
> Institute for Engineering," Picard asked.
TOM: <Scotty> Okay, I'll just stand over here and be Scottish, then.
> "Lieutenant Commander Data on screen," Lochard replied. Data
> was sitting in a room full of late twenty-th century computers. Data was
> examining a Commodore 64.
CROW: <Data, sobbing> Daddy!!
> Behind him, Clara Sutter was sitting in front of a Apple IIgs.
MIKE: ...playing "Wasteland".
> "Data here."
> "Data, is the Sutherland still at the Daystorm Institute?"
> "Yes, Captain. However the Sutherland is currently lacking a
> command staff due to food poisoning," Data replied.
> "Data, I want you to talk command of the Sutherland," Picard
> ordered.
TOM: He wants him to give it lip service!
> "A Trakce vessel has kidnapped Lieutenant Picard. We pursued
> it but lost in it the Robinson Nebula. We believe it may be heading
> your way."
CROW: Great, we get to sit through this again. Hasn't he ever heard of
conference calling?
> "Captain, only an Admiral in Starfleet Science or Engineering
> can assign me to command the Sutherland," Data objected.
> From behind Captain Picard, Scotty spoke up, "Consider yourself
> assigned. I never thought I'd have use for these Admiral's bars."
MIKE: What with his chocolate allergy and all.
> "Admiral, Captain, the Sutherland will be in service and under
> my command within the hour," Data replied.
> "Report any siting to the Stargazer, the Polaris, the
> Independence, and the Coral Sea," Picard ordered. "Stargazer out."
>
TOM: And so are we! Let's go.
[Mike picks up Tom and they all leave the theater.]
1...2...3...4...5...6...*...
[SOL. Mike, Tom, and Crow are behind the counter. Tom and Crow are
sobbing and whimpering. Mike is trying to comfort them.]
MIKE: Come on, you guys. Cheer up, it's only a fanfic.
TOM: <sobbing> I can't! It's too horrible!
CROW: <ditto> We won't make it! I know it!
MIKE: No, that's not true. It's the last book! We're almost done! And
it can't possibly get any worse...
[Suddenly Mike breaks down crying.]
MIKE: Oh god, who am I kidding? This is the most depraved work Ratliff
has ever done! This fanfic makes me feel like the time when I was
nine and my weird cousin held me underwater for what seemed like an
hour but was probably only a few minutes and my chest started hurting
real bad and I couldn't breathe and I could feel the pressure on my
skull and I was trashing around but he still wouldn't let me up and
I could feel until I started seeing spots and he finally let me up
and he thought it was funn-yyyyy...
[Tom and Crow have recovered and now are trying to comfort Mike.]
TOM: Aw, it's not the end of the world, Mike!
CROW: Yeah, we'll just keep on riffing and eventually we'll get through it!
MIKE: <sobbing> No! Ratliff has scarred me for life!
TOM: Mike, you've been a pillar of strength throughout this fanfic. Don't
give up now!
[Mike does not respond. Tom and Crow look at each other.]
CROW: Okay, we were hoping we wouldn't need this, but we made something
just in case you snapped.
MIKE: What?
TOM: Reach underneath the counter there...
[Mike reaches underneath the counter and pulls out a doll. The doll has
blond hair and is wearing a red Starfleet uniform.]
MIKE: What's this?
CROW: It's a Marrissa doll.
MIKE: Aaaagh!!
[Mike drops the doll and backs away, staring at it like a timid animal.]
TOM: No, no, Mike, it's okay!
CROW: Just pretend like it's a voodoo doll of Marrissa.
[Mike walks back up to the counter and picks up the doll.]
MIKE: A voodoo doll?
TOM: Yeah! Anything you do to that doll happens to Marrissa in real life!
[Apprehensively, Mike gives the doll and few jabs to the body. He smiles.
Then he pinches the doll's head and starts talking like that guy on "Kids
in the Hall".]
MIKE: I'm squishing your head! Squish! Squish!
CROW: Starting to feel better, Mike?
MIKE: A little bit. Hey, watch this!
[Mike bites the head off of the Marrissa doll. As he spits out the head,
red "blood" spurts out of the doll's neck. Tom and Crow cheer him on.]
MIKE: Oh, wow! Real blood and everything!
TOM: Hey, Mike, try that stuff over there!
MIKE: Huh? Oh, this stuff?
[Mike reaches off-screen and gets a container marked "Liquid Nitrogen".
He dips doll's legs into the container while Tom and Crow giggle in
anticipation. Then Mike slams the doll onto the counter. The doll's
lower half shatters into a million pieces. Everyone cheers. Then
the cheers and laughs die down.]
TOM: Oh, for fun.
MIKE: So what else can we do to this thing?
[Lights and buzzers go off.]
MIKE: It's gonna have to wait, cause WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!
----
CONTINUED IN PART 2
----