MiSTed: "Capitalism: A Refuted Doctrine" with a short "Mysteries of the Bible - Live on Tuesdays on the Web"
Roland Warner
<In the not to distant future . . .>
<*..."1"...;2;...@3@...#4#...!5!...¤6¤>
[Mike and Crow are sitting on opposite ends of a small table, staring at
a chess board. Tom is standing in the middle, behind the chessboard.]
Tom: All right, Crow, now, you can have him in checkmate in one move if
you look CAREFULLY!
Mike: Shut up, Tom. Even Deep Blue didn't need any help from his
programmer!
Crow: You keep forgetting, Mike, that I'm not Deep Blue!
Mike: That's right, you're Deep Yellow.
Crow: Oh, ha ha. Well, let's see what you think of this!
[Crow moves a pawn forward one.]
Crow: Queen me!
Mike: Oh great, just what we need, another queen!
Crow: Hurry up, Mike, it's your move!
Mike: Don't rush me, I'll move. [He pauses to think] All right, I
think I'll Castle my queen.
Tom: Hey, you can't do that!
Crow: He can't?
Tom: Crow, ya big dummy, you can only castle with a rook!
Crow: How's that done?
Tom: By switching the positions of the rooks on the board!
Crow: Look, you think you're so smart, why don't you try and play?
Tom: I think I will!
[Commercial Sign flashes]
Mike: We'll be right back.
Tom: All right, so which one's the Queen and the King?
[Commercials]
Announcer: (Picture of a bottle that looks like it has absolutely no
purpose being there appears on the screen) Amazing Nostrum Cream!
Available anywhere you by Faux products! Only 19.95!
[SoL]
Tom: All right, Mike, check out this move! [Tom takes his glass head
and pushes his rook up one.] Checkmate!
Mike: You sure that checkmate involves making it so that the Queen
can't move anywhere?
Tom: What? You expect the King, the supreme ruler of the land, not to
be able to move anywhere?
Mike: But it makes more sense for me to have the King in Checkmate
instead of the Queen.
[Red Light Flashes]
Mike: Uh-oh, the Queen, Rook, and Pawn found us again! Noooo!
[Mike pushes the button]
[Volkswagon of Doom]
Pearl: Did someone down there just ask for a queen? Because soon, I
will be Queen! Queen of the Universe! A-ha-ha! And who knows, after
these postings, you might just find me filling that position yet!
Bobo: Weren't those Joel fellows nice people?
Observer: I should think not! Such a cruel civilization, to put us
through such torment as that last posting!
Pearl: *AHEM* As I was saying! Your posting today is a pitiful
Communist Supporter who blames movies for the problems of society.
First tho, a short advertisment for some kind of religious program going
on somewhere, enjoy, and be sure to leave you sanity at the door!
[SoL]
Mike: Leave our . . .?
[Lights flash, everybody goes crazy, chaos ensues]
All: Ahhhh! We've got Net Sign!
Tom: Hey, you can't Castle with a pawn!
[6...5...4...3...2...1...*]
[Mike, Tom, and Crow enter the theater]
>From: bib...@microsoft.com
Tom: There's an oxymoron if there ever was one.
>Date: 5/15/97 12:53AM
>Subject: Mysteries of the Bible - Live on Tuesdays on the
Mike: Live, on channel 666.
>Address: To: inter...@scholar.org
>
>****** NOTE: There is no cost to enroll in this program.
>To participate and for further information please
>reply with the word "yes" in the subject line. ******
>
>
> A N N O U N C E M E N T
Crow: God, please report to Aisle 7 for a price check.
> Live on the Internet every Tuesday Night
Tom: Is Burger King Night.
> "Mysteries of the Bible Revealed and Resolved"
Tom: With a debate between Adam and Eve over women's rights.
>Contrary to the popular opinion created by Time and
>Newsweek,
Mike: Bill Gates IS NOT involved in Watergate.
> every historical event in the Tanakh can be found
>in the archaeological and historical records of the Near
>East when our revised chronology is taken into account.
Crow: Mike, what's the "Tanakh"?
Mike: Maybe it's a misspelling of "Tank"
Tom: Hey, don' "Tanakh" it!
>All events from Sodom and Gomorrah, through the captivity
>in Egypt, the subsequent conquest of the land of Canaan to
>the story of Esther will be presented in its archaeological
>and historical context and the Biblical account shown to be
>completely accurate.
Mike: Including Watergate, the JFK Assasination, and "The X-Files"
>Every Tuesday night, one topic will be presented live on
>the Internet starting in the next few days with visuals,
>expert interaction and debate by all who wish to be
>involved.
Tom: Welcome to "Jenny Jones" on the 'net.
> Each topic will be presented to enable the widest
>possible audience to understand and participate. Moderated
>by experts in each field.
>
>Please inform all your friends and ask them to send their
>e-mail address to:
>
>bib...@usa.net
Crow: To receive Right Wing Religous Propaganda!
>for ongoing information.
>
>Some topics to be covered include:
>
>Creation vs. Evolution
Tom: And in this corner, we have Creation. In the other Corner, we
have Evolution!
All: <Applauding crowd>
>Codes in the Torah.
Mike: Hmmm, maybe we should try putting the letters backwards according
to the numeric key.
>Sodom & Gomorrah: 1.5 million bodies found!
Crow: Next on the news, 1.5 million bodies found in Sodom and
Gomorrah. United Nations heavily upset.
>The Famines of the Patriarchs - In Egyptian Records!
Tom: Columbia House Records present the band "The Famines of
Patriarchs" with their famous song "Walk like an Egyptian"
>The Pyramids and The Sphinx, tombs or .......?
Mike: or are they really the Secret Decoder rings of the Pharaohs?
>Kabbalah.
>Who was the Pharaoh of the Exodus?
Tom: He was Elvis!
>Dan, Dan, The Travelling Man
Crow: <Bad Country Singing> Combed his hair with a fryin' pan!
>The Hyksos/The Israelites.
>The Jericho Story: The Bible and the Archaeology match
>at last
Mike: "The Jericho Story" starring Candace Cameron and Jodi Foster.
>The City of David found.
Tom: <falsetto> But, unfortunately was lost shortly thereafter when Dan
lost the Map in a fight with an Alligator
>Solomon's Family - a son in Egypt!
Crow: Soloman, the Deadbeat Dad of the B.C.s
>Raiders of the Lost Ark: Found.
Mike: It belongs in a museum!
>Hear Oh Israel, Where Oh Israel?
Tom: Everywhere an Israel, Israel.
> ...The Lost tribes...found.
>Ezra and The Great Assembly?
Crow: Et tu Brute?
Mike: Bless you.
>The Aleph-Bais, alphabet or Holy Language?
Tom: Alphabeticaljeklmnopasupersez.
>Esther the truth at last.
Crow: You can't handle the truth!
>The Dead Sea Scrolls, a mystery solved.
Mike: On ABC's Sunday Night movie starring Peter Falk as Columbo!
>The Messiah in Prophesy and Reality.
>The Times of the End.
Tom: Well, it is over when the fat lady sings.
>etc.etc.etc.
>Please note that the focus of this program is scholarly
>rather than religious.
Crow: So, if you're looking for religion, try www.Badgirls.com
Mike: That was low, Crow.
Tom: I think its over, Mike.
Mike: Yeah, your right, Servo.
[They exit the theater]
<*...1...2...3...4...5...6>
[Once again, they're all surrounding the chess board. Mike and Tom on
opposite ends. Crow's standing in the middle.]
Mike: That can't be checkmate!
Tom: I'm afraid it is, Mike, you can't move anywhere!
Mike: How about this?
[Mike moves his knight up two and over one.]
Mike: Now, your Queen is in Check.
Tom: All right then. [Tom captures Mike's Queen]
Mike: You can't do that! Your queen is in check, you have to move her.
Tom: But game rules state that . . .
Mike: When the Queen is in check, she must be moved out of check!
Tom: Crow, get me the Chess instruction manual.
Crow: Chess instruction manual?
Tom: It's under the table, I was using it to stabilize the table leg.
Crow: [Goes underneath the table] Here it is! [Reappears with the
instruction manual. Clearly marked on the cover is "Written by Som
Tervo"]
Tom: [Takes the Manual] Rule 2a.b.7.9 states that if a Queen is in
check, then if another move is made to put the opponents Queen in check,
that opponent has the right to take the other man's Queen.
Mike: Wait a second, let me see that manual!
[Tom tries to prevent Mike from seeing the the manual, but fails in
doing so, because he has no defenses.]
Mike: It also says here that if one's opponent is some other form of
intelligence besides a human, e.g. robot, then the other form of
intelligence will automatically win.
Tom: Hm, it seems that maybe the writer MIGHT have been a little
impartial while writing it.
Mike: Why you . . .
[Lights flash, chaos ensues, everybody goes nuts]
All: Ahhhhhh, Political Systems Sign!!!
Tom: CHECKMATE!
[6...5...4...3...2...1...*]
> [---------------------------------------------------------------------]
>
> Capitalism - a refuted doctrine
Crow: Communism - A World of Elves.
>
> [---------------------------------------------------------------------]
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>America
>
> America is a marvellous continent,
Mike: A continent?
> or perhaps even two.
Mike: TWO?? There's only ONE America! There are Two continents with
America in the name, but only ONE America!
> Unfortunately,
> the word "America" tends to get confused with the "United states of
> America" (or "the States" as Americans sometimes call it, as if it was
> the only federation of states on this planet).
Tom: So, let's Avoid calling the USSR "Russia" and instead, call it
"Asia"
> U.S.A. is after the
> fall of the Soviet Union unchallenged in its imperialist makings.
Crow: And this author is unchallenged in failing english class.
> Wannabe-"moralic leaders" of the world, they believe their right to
> judge extends far beyond the borders of their own hypocratic nation.
Mike: After all, we head the United Nations and try to keep peace in
the world, why should we worry about the world?
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Communism?
Tom: Fact or fiction?
>
> The Berlin wall is no more.
Crow: It was stolen by Lab Mice in an attempt to take over the world.
> The Soviet Union is now a loose
> confederation of suspicious nations not even capable of giving food to
> their peoples.
Mike: So, they fed their Leader to the people.
> Is this not a, so to say, empirical refutation of socialism? The
> question is natural to ask. The answer is just as natural.
Tom: With Nature's Beaty Shampoo!
> No.
Crow: Um, what was the question again?
> Pro Primo, the Soviet Union was never a socialist country and hardly
> never a communist.
Tom: Just ask George Orwell!
> What has fallen is a totalitarian state - that's
> right, but not a socialist state. Some people tend to confuse the two
> because they think it's the same.
Crow: I say Totalitarian, you say-
Mike: Socialist
Crow: I say Capitalism, you say-
Mike: Communism
Crow: Totalitarian
Mike: Socialism
Crow: Capitalism
Mike: Communism
Tom: Let's just call the whole thing off!
> Pro Secundo, even if it were that
> way, everybody knows induction never proves a hypothesis, and
> certainly never with only one observation.
Mike: <snore>
> What is needed, though, is a renewal of the way of socialist thinking.
Crow: Let's start World War III!
> The kind of dogmatics that prevails in for exampel Vänsterpartiet will
> not provide us with solutions for the new world problems. Ideology
> must be dynamic. The solutions of 1848 or for that case 1950 will not
> be applicable to the present.
Tom: And, exactly what were those solutions that didn't work, and why
were they called solutions?
> Socialism faces a huge problem adjusting
> their ideology and political theory to the world as it looks like now.
Mike: Then why do it?
> Dogmatic marxism is outdated, and the solution left-wing parties see
> to their problems is to say no to everything, and refuse to cope with
> economic realities.
Crow: Does anyone have a clue as to what this guy's trying to say?
Tom & Mike: Nope.
> What is needed is not a new version of utopia, but
> a modern and dynamic theory of socialism.
Tom: All right, pop quiz hot shot: You've got an outdated theory of
Socialism, can you update it without pissing off the world?
> This would not be the first
> attempt of a profound change of socialism, other attempts have been
> made before, for example the fusion of existentialism and marxism that
> Jean-Paul Sartre made.
Crow: And we should care, why?
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>What can I do?
Mike: You can send all your rubles to the leader of Russia.
>
> The world is big. You are small.
Tom: <falsetto> Just the facts, ma'am.
> Your actions seem to have no
> importance. After all, we are some 5 billions on this planet,
> semmingly valid mathematics gives the ratio of your actions to 0.25e-9
> . Not much.
All: <singing> All we are is dust in the wind!
> Point is: this mathematics is absolutely not valid.
Crow: Then why waste our time with a mathematical ratio of our actions?
> But it is what the
> ruling class would like you to think.
Mike: <falsetto> Yes, that's just exactly what they'd expect you to
think!
> Thinking citizens are never
> comfortable. (Why else do you think the U.S.A., in comparison to their
> population, has the smallest number intellectuals in the world?
Tom: Educated was I at School System Public.
> Because that's the smartest way to organize things: to keep the people
> oppressed, but not let them realize it.)
Crow: Help! Help! I'm bein' repressed!
>
>Do this
Mike: Strip down to your underwear and a t-shirt, grab a broomstick,
and dance around, singing "Old Time Rock 'n Roll"
>
>The minds of the humans are being poisoned every day. Through television
>and cinemas, US companies spread their mental waste.
Tom: Duh, what channel does "Bill Nye" come on?
> If this is allowed to
>go on, before long, the human race will mutate into a race of zombie
>TV-watchers.
Crow: This guy doesn't get out much, does he?
> Fortunately, you don't have to wait until other people take
>care of your problems for you. Do it yourself. Firstly, boycott all crap
>Hollywood movies.
Tom: Easy for you to say!
> Scrutinize them closely, and you'll discover exactly what
>they are: conservative propaganda of the worst kind.
Mike: What does this make Hercules then?
Tom: How about Torgo?
Mike: Who is this . . .
Tom: Mike, I'll tell you later.
Crow: Does this mean that the Oscars is the work of the Government?
> Luckily, this doesn't
>mean that you can't go to the cinema anymore.
Crow: I'd like to see him stop us from going to the cinema
Mike: If we ever get off of this ship, why would we go to a cinema?
> Many films of very high
>quality are released every month, mostly, they run at the smaller cinemas.
>Step two is: be very careful when you watch TV. Only watch when you
>actively want to see the program you're watching.
Crow: Is there any other reason why we would be watching television?
> And remember: the warning
>above concerning propaganda films still apply when they are broadcast on
>TV. And applies to TV series as well.
Tom: Why, this means the X-Files is a show that works FOR the
goverment!
Crow: How about Roseanne?
>One of the latest and most blatant example of the american propaganda is,
>of course, Independence Day. Its embarrasing and unrestrained hail of the
>USA needs no comment.
Mike: After all, watching Aliens blow up the world is in no way
exciting, but Congress at its worst.
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Maintained by Olof Dellien <d9...@efd.lth.se> at Computer Science and
Tom: Heil Olof!
>Technology, member of TLTH.
>DocURL: http://www.efd.lth.se/~d91od/
>DocID: SE:LU:AF:TLTH:OLOF_DELLIEN
Crow: Mike, I'm confused about somthing.
Mike: Aren't we all?
Crow: Well, exactly what is the difference between Capitalism and
Communism?
Mike: Crow, only two people know that, God and George Orwell.
Crow: Oh.
Tom: Let's get out of here!
[*...1...2...3...4...5...6]
[Tom is standing on the table. The chessboard has disappeared, and is
now replaced with what looks like a checker-covered throne. Tom is
sitting on the throne. Enter Mike and Crow.]
Mike: And you see, when comm . . . Servo, what're you doing?
Tom: Quiet, mortals! My name is no longer Tom Servo! You will now
call me Deep Red, for I have proven that my ultimate chess abilites can
triumph over mere trifles like you humans!
Mike: You know, Tom . . .
Tom: DEEP RED!
Mike: Deep red, you only won because you made up the rules as you went.
Tom: Well, yeah, but I still won!
Crow: Mike, let him have his moment of glory, he gets very few of them.
Mike: True.
[Red Light flashes]
Mike: Check . . . er . . . Yes, Mrs. Forrester?
[Volkswagon of Doom]
Pearl: What the hell is it with you all and chess today?
[SoL]
Mike: Well, the bots and I got caught up in the Kasperov vs. Deep Blue
tournament, that I guess we sort of developed a fascination with it.
[VoD]
Pearl: Clayton could've kicked all of your butts at chess, that is, if
he were still around.
Observer: Exactly who is this Clayton person you keep talking about,
madame?
Pearl: I WAS TALKING!
Observer: A thousand apologies!
Bobo: Lawgiver, is it all right if I open a window to get some fresh
air?
Pearl: Bobo, if you . . .
[Too late, Bobo opens one of the windows, and a vacuum sucks everything
out of the Volkswagon, including the camera, which fades to black.]
Bobo: Oops, sorry, Lawgiver.
-----
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-----
> Fortunately, you don't have to wait until other people take
>care of your problems for you. Do it yourself. Firstly, boycott all crap
>Hollywood movies.
Chris Gleason
[SNIPPITY DOO-DAH]
Very well done! I know you don't care, but what I would have done as the
stinger instead of:
>> Fortunately, you don't have to wait until other people take
>>care of your problems for you. Do it yourself. Firstly, boycott all crap
>>Hollywood movies.
Would be:
>Step two is: be very careful when you watch TV. Only watch when you
>actively want to see the program you're watching.
My two cents. Again, very well done!
=================================================
"Wake up you morons!"
-- Stinger from Bill Livingston's
"AGENT ACTION!" MSTification,
Chris Gleason -- The Best Kisser in the Universe!
Baseball fiend, game show junkie, doughy guy.
MSTie #66772 chris...@aol.com
CHECK OUT MY E-COLUMN!
http://members.aol.com/chrisglson/sftg.html