Mistied: Star Trek: A Royal Mess (4/4)
Suzanne Schroeder
Tom: With more hurting than before....
> Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, Commander Riker, Lieutenant Commander
>Data, and Counselor Troi entered the transporter room. Behind the console
>stood twelve year old. Acting-Ensign Clara Sutter.
Crow: Wow, since they made Woody Allen in charge of personel, they've
been
getting younger and younger.
>Waiting in the front >was Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge. As the Admiral
entered he said, >"Clara, I didn't expect to find you here."
Joel: (Picard) I thought the devival was going on.
> "Marrissa is grooming her for Chief Engineer when she gets her
>own command
down the road," Geordi replied for Clara. "So I'm making sure
>Clara hereknows a little of everything.
Tom: (Geordi) Where the fry station is, how to take change, what to do
with a
shot gun pointed at your face.....
>She has been at a different >Engineering station every day since we got the
E."
Crow: ...and since then, it has equalled MC squared.
Tom: ...and then, MC Hammer.
Crow: ...then, MC Lyte.
> "Her Majesty is signaling for beam up," Clara informed.
> "Beam her aboard, Clara," the Admiral replied. The long blond
>haired Queen materailized on the transporter pad.
Joel: Was she long, or her hair?
>Something about her
>reminded the Admiral of someone but he couldn't put his finger on it.
Tom: Greta Van Sustern!
> "Permission to come aboard?" Queen Victoria asked.
> "Permission granted. May I present my officers?" the Admiral asked.
Crow: (Victoria) Please! Present as many as you wish. I'll take em
all!
>The Queen nodded. "This is my First Officer, Commander William
>T. Riker."
Joel: No relation to T. Rex.
> "A pleasure to meet you, your Majesty," Commander Riker said.
> "My Second Officer and Chief of Operations Lieutenant Commander
>Data." Data nodded. "My Ships Counselor, Commander Deanna Troi; My
>ship's Chief Engineer, Lieutenent
Commander Geordi LaForge. Behind the
>console is this ships young engineering genius,
Crow: Stephen Street!
>Ensign Clara Sutter."
> "From what I have heard, you have a fine crew
>Admiral," Victoria said.
Tom: I bet they said that about the Titanic.
>"I assume that Doctor Crusher and Lieutenant Worf had pressing
>duties such as attending to my Prime Minister and the bomb site,
>respectively, but where is that famous daughter of yours?"
Crow: But she's not as famous as Famous Amos.
> "Marrissa, last I heard, was trying to catch up on some paper
>work," Admiral Picard said.
Joel: (Picard) We're hoping to turn her into a Postal Worker.
>"I prefer not to give her any reason not to
>do it unless I have to."
> "If you don't mind, I'd like to see my Prime Minister," the
>Queen asked.
Crow: (Picard) See him? You canšt miss him! Just donšt play with the
skin on
his face.
> "Certainly. Mister Data, I think you better get started on the
>genealogical research," Admiral Picard ordered.
Tom: (Data) I will contact Everton's right away.
>"If you will follow me,
>your Majesty."
> "Just call me Victoria, Admiral," the Queen said. "I just
>inherited the position last night and already that phrase is getting on
>my nerves."
Crow: See what happens when you play Russian Roulette?
> Queen Victoria, Admiral Picard and Counselor Troi entered >Sickbay. Doctor
Picard met them at the door.
Joel: And the sign on The Door said "Break on through to the other side."
>In Sickbay three people were laying in intensive care beds.
Tom: They were covered by Vaseline lotion?
> "Status, Beverly?" Picard inquired.
Crow: Hills: 90210.
> "The Reporter is seriously injured," the Doctor began.
Joel: (Beverly) He was beaten by some weirdo who kept saying "what's the
frequency, Kenneth?"
>"The
>Carmeraman is unlikely to recover. The Prime Minister, while seriously
>injured will recover within a week if he has complete rest."
Tom: Alec Baldwin needs to control his temper.
> "Is it possible for me to see the Prime Minister?" the Queen
>asked.
Crow: (Beverly) Only if you squint really hard.
>"I need him to offically bring word to me that I was proclaimed
>Queen so someone can take charge on the Planet."
Tom: Planet Hollywood?
> "Take charge on the Planet?" Doctor Berverly Picard asked.
>"Jean-Luc what the hell is going on down there?"
Joel: They were throwing a huge party at a hotel and someone invited
Johnny
Depp.
> "Hopefully, Doctor, not much since someone blew up the House of >Parliament
a few minutes ago," her husband replied.
Crow: Damn. Whatšs C-SPAN going to fill 30 minutes with?
> "With all 707 members inside," the Queen added rather
>dejectedly.
> "Alright you can see the Prime Minister, but only for a couple
>minutes," Doctor Picard said.
> The Queen walked over to her Prime Minister and friend. "Well
>Bill, what mess have we gotten into now?" she asked him.
Tom: Hmm. A royal mess? Dšoh!
> "A big one as far as I can see," William Lacaster replied in a
>whisper as if that was all the volume that he could summon.
> "Can I consider myself informed?" Victoria asked formally.
Joel: (Bill) Yes, and you the viewer at home can, also if you subscribe
to
Consumer Reports.
> "Yes, my Queen," he whispered. "How bad is it."
Crow: Itšs Michael Jackson Bad.
> "You will recover in time, Bill," Victoria said.
Tom: With these words, the empire of Bill W. was born.
> "No I mean your Kingdom,"
Crow: (Bill) For a horse.
> the Prime Minister corrected.
> "The Parliament is all gone except you," the Queen said.
Joel: (Queen) We're going to Morrissey's house to look for a guillotine.
> "But
>don't worry I'm sure I can run the planet for the week the Doctor says
>you will need to recover. Now get some rest." Queen Victoria learned
>over the Prime Minister's bed and kissed him.
Tom: (Bill) But, what about my elaborate gridlock I spent years
constructing?
> "Yes, your Majesty," the injured man replied.
> "And stop calling me 'your Majesty,'" the Queen ordered turning
>to leave the room. >
> After getting off duty, Clara Sutter went to see her good friend
Crow: and fellow Mixologist,
>Marrissa Picard. She found her working on a report on the general state
>of the Department of the Helm as Marrissa refered to those under her
>command. "So how is the Captains daughter holding up today?"
Joel: (Marrissa) Chekov is putting the finishing touches on it.
>Clara asked.
> "What are you doing here, it's the middle of Alpha Shift?"
>Marrissa asked.
Crow: (Clara) Man, the Delts have already shown up with a new keg.
> "Check again, Marrissa, I just got off duty five minutes ago,"
>Clara replied. "Time flies when your having fun."
> "I sure don't consider report writing fun," Marrissa replied
>with a groan. "The burdens of command."
Joel: Jeez, is that all you know how to do? Whine?
> "Marrissa, you are in need of a break -- badly," Clara said.
Tom: Yeah, so youšd shut up every once in a while.
>"Let's go get another Engineer's daughter and a certain Security Chiefs
>son and see what fun we can round up."
Crow: Strip Poker!
> Marrissa Picard, Clara Sutter, Shayna Sachs and Alexander, son
>of Worf
Joel: Alexander decided to copy after his idol The Son of Sam.
>were in the main room of the Klingon Family's quarters. The
>three girls sat on the sofa. Alexander had pulled up a chair from the desk
>nearby. "So what brings you three to my quarters?" the Klingon boy asked.
Crow: Yeah, uh, wešre forming a do-wop group. Wanna join?
> "We are on an mission to keep Marrisa here from growing up too
>quickly by filling out all of those reports," Clara said.
Joel: (Clara) In other words, she is whining again.
> "Very Good, a warrior has no need for trivial reports," Alexander said.
Tom: (Alexander) Thatšs why I subscribe to the Wall Street Journal.
> "I thought you didn't want to be a warrior," Clara kidded.
Crow: No, he wants to be a Grimaldi warrior!
> "I don't," Alexander replied, "but as a starship captain, that >will be one
of Marrisa's roles."
Joel: Yeah, that and shift manager.
> "If she served in the Klingon fleet, it will be her only role,"
>Shayna jumped in.
> "So how I doubt you will choose such an honored post,
>Marrissa,"
Tom: So, there!
>Alexander said. "I wish Jay were still here."
Joel: He still is! He has only been moved to Fox after the Simpsons.
> "Why Alex," the three girls chorused.
Crow: (Alex Trebek) No, I canšt give any points for that. I must ask
that you
wait until I call on you to answer the question.
> "You three gang up on me every time we get together," Alexander
>said. Then pointing to the black haired Clara Sutter,
Joel: Oh, Clarašs evil twin has entered the room.
> he continued.
>"Especially you."
Tom: (Old womanšs voice) You brought the birds! Youšre evil!
> "I see despite your human blood, you still exhibit the Klingon
>fondness for women with black hair,"
Crow: Sarah Gilbert?
>Clara jibed.
Tom: Doing the hand jibe, come on now, doing the hand jibe...
>Alexander blushed.
> "Give one point to the Acting-Ensign," Shayna said.
> By way of getting away from the Klingon teasing which their
>gathering appeared to have developed Alexander said, "My father has
>informed me that that security test you wanted to try on the Enterprise
>would be fine as long as you inform him first."
> "Inform him, it sounds like the perfect thing to bring Marrissa
>out of this mood she's in," Clara replied.
All: Auuughhh!!! Shut up! Shut up!
> "What mood is that?" Marrissa asked.
Joel: Your Moody Blue mood.
> "Your serious one," Clara replied.
> "Yeah, normally by now you would have jumped on a couple dozen
>openings on either side of our Klingon-Human bashing,"
Crow: Yeah, and you always bring the whip.....
>Shayna added.
> "Very well, let's begin the test," Marrissa droned. Then she
>brightened up. "But I want to be the one to make Lieutenant Lockard wet."
All: (trying to keep from laughing)
Tom: Arenšt you a little too young to be doing that?
Crow: Oh! And wear the Clive Anderson mask I love so much!
Tom: Oh, Captain, my Captain....
Joel: Hey, enough.
>She walked over to the replicator, "One bucket of Strawberry juice."
Crow: One puree Strawberry Shortcake doll coming up.
> On the starship Independence, Jay Gordon, Marrissa's good friend
Joel: And Sleazy talk show host,
>and former first officer was just finishing a three hour training session
>for his Kids crew. Unlike Marrissa, who preferred to spread her training
>sessions out,
Crow: And beat them into shape in personal sessions,
>Jay liked to do as many as possible once a week and spend the
>rest of the week evaluating them.
Tom: His good friend Rob Lowe showed him the proper film techniques.
>This suited his crew fine as the time
>allowed them to get the less pleasant ones out of the way and then they
>could get together during the week and repeat those that they had fun with.
>Jay,
Crow: Iron Jay?
> of course took note of the ones that were not done during the week and
>looked for alternatives.
Tom: He then found alternative nation and did away with his work.
> Due to an incident about three months before, Jay though it wise
>to check on the status of the ship before releasing all of his fellow
>children from the various scenarios. Unlike previous times, the eleven year
>old blond haired boy could not get the computer to reply.
Joel: Hal? Answer me!
>Deciding that
>command functions had been disabled, Jay realized his unique position.
Crow: He could take off all his clothes and no one would know!
>Commands given in the Holodeck still worked as long as it was active. (It
>would be harmful if they didn't.)
Joel: Jeez, everything is harmful for you these days.
>They couldn't control the outside
>without proper authorization,
Tom: But those republicans try to anyway.
>but Jay Gordon had a way to get that.
> "Computer, create a new sub-program,"Jay ordered. "Using
>current positions, of beings on this ship, create a model of the ship.
>Make it 1/1000th scale and crystal clear.
Joel: Cover it with little Capodimante rose buds and give it the name
"Marrissa's perfect ship."
>Represent species according to
>department, red for those intitled to were red and so forth. Represent
>Kid's crew in purple. Represent hostile personal in florescent green."
Crow: Represent "United We Stand" with jester hats.
> Jay was surprised when the thirty green dots appeared. He was
>even moresurprised when he noticed that all the crew were being held in
>cargo bays and the brig.
Tom: Wow! Just like Aliens!
>"Computer, since the crew is in hostile hands
>and the Kids crew has freedom of movement, I request activation of
>Kids crew under regulation 214 section 14 paragraph 4." he said.
>"Confirm transfer of all command codes."
> "Command and Command codes transferred to Acting-Captain Jay
>Gordon as of this time," the Computer said.
Joel: Oh, even this story has a Kenny!
> "Computer restore command function inside Holodeck only," Jay
>ordered,"Authorization, Gordon Thunder Rolls Low Places One One."
Crow: Is that a new Garth Brooks song?
> "Authorization confirmed."
Tom: Let's get out of here.
Joel: No argument here.
( 1..2..3..4..5...6...)
Joel: Well, I think thats about all. Oh, the Mads are calling.
(Deep 13)
(Frank had accidentally hit the communications button. The party is
going in
full swing)
Dr. F: Hey, Frank, do you have the new keg?
Frank: Right here, Steve.
Dr. F: You added the right amount of formaldehyde to it?
Frank: I never forget.
Dr. F: I was wondering when you're crew is showing up.
Frank: I think they're in the back. They'll be out in a minute.
Dr. F: (hearing a lot of yelling a cheering from the back) Sounds like
a wild
group. Who's back there?
Frank: Hmm. (Thinking for a second) Oh. Drew Barrymore, the band Oasis,
Johnny Depp, Danny Bonaduce, Bobcat Goldwait...
Dr. F: Frank! Those people have caused more structural damage than the
Los
Angeles earthquake! What were you thinking?
Frank: I wasn't...
Dr. F: Well, get them out of here before they...
(It's too late. A wild cheer goes up and Dr. F's machine is busted which
undos
everything he had done. Frank disappears into nothing).
Dr. F: No!!! Frank, I could kill you! Oh.
(on SOL, Mike has appeared and Joel has vanished)
Mike: The hell?
Crow: Oh man, enough of this for one day. I don't even care any more.
Mike: It was really weird guys, I was in this place, and I must have
tied one
on last night because I swear I was talking to a skeleton.
Crow: Yeah, whatever. What we did was more interesting.
Mike: Does this always have to be a competetion? Oh, well. Since I'm
here,
though, (he turns to Tom and Gypsy) I've been waiting to deal with you
two.
Tom: Zoinks! Run Scooby! (He and Gypsy take off).
Mike: (Stares after them for a second, then turns to Dr. F) What are you
looking at?
(Deep 13)
Dr. F: (depressed) Haven't figured it out yet. Let's just end this.
(pushes
the button)
Disclaimer: MST3K belongs to BBI and all the people involved in it both
past
and present. Joel Hodgson is of course, a trademark name and belongs
solely to
Joel Hodgson :)
Thank you to all who wanted to read this and a special thanks to those who
finished it.