MiSTing: "Spider-Man: The Movie" [PG] [4/4]
Matthew Blackwell
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .]
[Mike and the bots enter and take their places.]
Mike: So, you're saying I should have complimented
Green Lantern instead?
Crow: [Sighing] Never mind. We'll send you through the
remedial course in comics after the experiment.
>
>Meanwhile, Strand is analyzing the Spider Man sightings
>and incidents.
Mike: [Strand] Hmmm... drug den, bank, whorehouse,
whorehouse, whorehouse...I wonder if there's a
pattern in all of this.
> He of course, knows which ones are real
>and which are faked to discredit Spidey.
Tom: That would be the 'Milken' part of him, right?
> He has his
>analysis people plot everything on a map of the greater
>New York area
Crow: Soon they've discovered that there's a huge island
in the middle of downtown!
> and they see quickly that Spider Man's
>activities seem to center on Queens.
Crow: That means that Spidey must be Kevin James!
> Strand tells his
>minions to concentrate their search there.
Mike: [Strand] We'll find that Spiderman...and his little
Spiderdog, too!
>
>CUT TO Mary Jane doing a TV interview.
Tom: [Mary Jane] So, I should say something? Why are you
pointing that camera at me? Am I on TV?!
> She is introduced
>as a local high-school girl who actually met and talked to
>the Spider Man.
Mike: [reporter] But we'll refer to her as "The Soshy Girl."
> She has come forward, she says, because
>she is outraged by the beating he is taking in the media.
Mike: Those Carville-authored attack ads were just over
the top!
>Spider Man saved her, she says, and he is a kind, gentle
>man.
Crow: [MJ] And you should feel his pecs! Mm!
> He is a hero, and we should be thankful he is here.
Mike: Years from now, Macy's will replace their trademark
turkey float with a Spidey one.
>
>MARY JANE goes alone to her private spot.
Tom: Lady Footlocker!
> She is sitting,
>thinking, when she hears something behind her. She turns
>as Spider Man drops down to her, and gasps,
Crow: As it's too late to stop the trigger on the snub-nose
semi-automatic she's carried since the mugging.
> startled by
>his sudden presence.
Mike: And the gallons of after-shave he's using.
> She feels a rush of excitement as he
>offers his hand to help her up.
Crow: Excitement, and not hormone driven lust.
>
> SPIDER MAN
> Do you still trust me?
>
Mike: I mean, my stalking you hasn't turned you off, right?
>Her answer is a kiss. Sweet and soulful... their lips
>separated by the sheer fabric of the mask.
Tom: I can just see Torgo lumbering in with Gwen Stacy in his
arms, right about now.
> She can feel
>his breath on her face.
>
Crow: Well, she could if he wasn't wearing a mask...
> MARY JANE
> Where are we going?
>
Mike: Nowhere.
Crow: Man, I wish I was you.
> SPIDER MAN
> It's a surprise.
Tom: Cut to the Duluth Public Library!
>
>CUT TO: The Brooklyn Bridge. A stunning aerial shot.
Crow: We'll just let the director come up with something
here...
> A
>tiny shape swinging in an arc, racing past the support
>cables, sweeps toward us.
Mike: Steve Brody, no!!
> It is Spidey, with MJ in his
>arms.
Crow: Michael Jackson just gets weirder and weirder.
> He shoots another web strand, swings to one of the
>stone towers, and races up the side. She is light as a
>feather in his arms. She screams like a kid riding
>Colossus,
Tom: Gee, I imagine that organic steel must chafe...
> in fear and exhilaration.
>
Mike: Oh, she's just riding the Tilt-O-Whirl.
>They pass us. Her screams continue, fading as he carries
>her up to the dizzying heights above us.
>
Tom: Something tells me he's going to need another dance skin.
Mike: [Peter] No Mary, to the side! The side!
>ON TOP OF THE BRIDGE TOWER. Hold a beat.
Crow: Then we let the beat... um, drop.
> We hear screams
>approaching.
Mike: Looks like they aired the Battlefield Earth 2 trailer.
> Spidey appears and sets her on terra firma.
>She clings to him, looking down and around in wonder.
Tom: [MJ, dully] Gosh. The top of a bridge.
>He has put the world at her feet.
Crow: Groveling in abject terror no doubt.
>She can't believe this is happening to her.
Mike: Yes, believe it or not, she's walking on air.
>
>In a dizzying down-angle we see how the suspension cables
>all meet radially at the top of the tower... like the
>treads of some vast spider web.
Tom: It looks cool, and is structurally unsound!
Mike: [Bored] Oh, look. Another use of spider imagery.
> Peter and MJ seem to sit
>at the very center of the web, surrounded by the lights of
>the city. It is a warm spring night. And the moment is
>pure magic.
Crow: Except for the blasted pigeons, filthy rats with wings!
>
>She stands with her back against a girder, needing to feel
>something solid.
Mike: Solid, like the fine insurance that you get from
Allstate!
[The KA-CHING! noise from a cash register can be heard in the
background.]
Tom: Oh, Mike.
Mike: What? I need the money!
> Spider Man stands before her, a
>perfectly formed male silhouette with a soothing low
>voice.
>
Crow: Russell Crowe?
Tom: How can you tell? He's in a body stocking, for cryin'
out loud!
Mike: Yeah. The best view is fully lit, and from the front.
[Beat] Not that I'm the type to notice such things,
of course.
Crow: Suuuure, Mike.
> SPIDER MAN
> Courtship among the spiders is highly
> ritualized.
Tom: The male begins by performing the song "Lady".
> It varies from species to
> species.
Mike: [Pete, whiny] Um... I'm going to concentrate on those
species where the girl spider has a bottle of Lubriderm?
> The male spider may circle the
> female, or wave his front legs... to
> signal that he is not prey.
Crow: And not "Hey baby, check out the size of my ovipositor!"
>
>Spider Man moves in a hypnotic arc around her. He raises
>his hands in a dance-like movement. Lowers them.
Mike: [dramatically] These are spirit fingers!
Tom: [MJ, unimpressed] You've never done this before,
have you.
Crow: [Spidey] Shut up! I have too! A billion times!
>
> SPIDER MAN
> The female usually signals her
> willingness by an uncharacteristic
> passivity.
Tom: Sometimes wine coolers can speed up this phase.
>
>MJ takes a deep breath. Her lip trembles. Her knees are
>weak.
Crow: o/~ She can't seem to sta-and on her own two feet. o/~
> Her eyes, though, are steady, gazing at the
>silhouette before her. She doesn't move of speak.
Tom: Nor does she talk a muscle.
> He
>moves closer.
>
> SPIDER MAN
> In certain crab spiders,
[All snicker.]
Mike: [shaking his head] Oh, Spidey, pick another
species guy.
Crow: Not the time or place to be talkin' 'bout crabs.
> such as Xysticus,
> the male will attach strands of silk to
> the female... tying her limbs...
Tom: Ahhh, the dreaded Sharon Stone spider.
Mike: Okay, why does Pete know so much about the sex
life of spiders?
Crow: Do you really want to go there?
>
>Spider Man moves his hand gracefully across her, and she
>sees the sheerest silk webbing glinting in the moonlight.
Mike: [MJ] Do you have this in taupe? I was hoping for
taupe.
>First one wrist. Then the other. Hypnotic movement in
>the moonlight. Her arms are bound to the wall.
Crow: Well, good thing there are script doctors, 'cuz
this one's really sick.
> Her
>breathing gets more rapid.
>
Tom: Yep. Hollywood's changed the central tenet of
Spiderman from "From great power comes great
responsibility" to "Mary Jane's really into
bondage." Thanks, Hollywood.
> SPIDER MAN
> Since the female can break free at any
> time, the bonds have only symbolic
> significance.
Crow: Of course, mine can hold a speeding truck immobile.
>
> MARY JANE
> The male must be very bold...
Mike: ...or a frat boy...
> to take
> such liberties with the predatory female.
Crow: [MJ] Spidey... um, I have a confession to make. I'm
the "Frat Boy Killer" the Daily Bugle's been writing about.
>
> SPIDER MAN
> Yes. He is very bold.
Tom: Like the bold new taste of Cheetos' Xtreme Salt-Crazed
Nacho Flayvah-Puffs!
> But he must also
> trust her.
> (he moves very close)
Mike: [Spidey] Trust me, idiot.
> Close your eyes.
>
>He removes his mask and kisses her. Their mouths very
>slowly and very sensuously devour each other.
>
Crow: Yes, it's Jim Cameron's "Zombies in Love".
Mike: A creepy makeout scene- another "Pumaman" homage.
>Peter and MJ are locked together. He is mesmerizing,
>gentle, powerful. He pushes up her skirt.
Mike: Great Scott! Spidey smut!
Crow: The *real* reason for this script.
Tom: o/~ And crash! Into me! o/~
> They make
>love, high above the world.
>She doesn't look.
Crow: She just thinks of England.
Mike: [Spidey] Um... you WILL devour me afterwards, right?
>
>CUT TO MARY JANE the next day at school. She is humming
>happily as she lets a tarantula walk over her arm in the
>science room.
Tom: The weird thing is, the school doesn't own any
tarantulas.
Mike: [MJ] Hey big guy, what a big thorax you have...
> Two of her sosh girl-friends come up and
>are completely grossed out.
Tom: Again with the "sosh"!
Crow: Maybe it's supposed to "Suess". Mary Jane belongs to a
clique that wears big striped hats and eats green eggs
& ham.
> They talk about Peter Parker
>having a negative effect on her, that she's becoming a
>nerd like him. She laughs at them and tells them exactly
>how full of shit they are.
Tom: Turns out, they're exactly 73.83% full.
Mike: Movie cliché #62: Once you fall in love with a nerd,
you instantly turn on your popular friends.
>
>We see that she is becoming more confident herself... more
>able to be different.
Crow: More flexible and open to exotic ideas.
Mike: She begins to see the allure of black lipstick and
Celtic tattoos.
> The brushing need for
Mike: Paxil?
[Cash register KA-CHING! The bots groan.]
> acceptance
>has been lifted. Her mask is not important anymore.
Crow: Dark Horse will be pissed.
Tom: [MJ] Oh, it would be so neat if I were carrying
his egg sack.
>
>CUT TO STRAND, in his luxurious living room. Boyd is
>showing him a videotape he shot the night before.
Mike: Lovely. But why do I need to see video of your
6 month old granddaughter?
> It is a
>shaky, long lens shot, quite amateurish. We see Spider
>Man drop down to MJ, startling her, then he and MJ
>kissing.
Crow: [Strand] Boyd, did you really need to splice soft-core
porn music in the background?
Mike: [Boyd] Aw, boss...
> Finally he hoists her in his arms and swings off
>into the darkness.
Tom: Yes, it's very stylish, but could you please learn
about framing?
>
>Boyd says he followed the girl for two days, but it paid
>off.
Crow: And he only needed to follow one of the 4 million
girls in New York to do it!
> Looks like she's this spider geek's main squeeze.
>Carlton Strand just nods. Thinking.
>
Mike: [Bluebottle] Thinks thanks to brains, new wonder head
filler.
>The Sandman comes to MJ that night and puts her to sleep.
Crow: Then he recites a flowery soliloquy.
>When the chloroform wears off, she wakes up at Strand's
>place.
>A prisoner.
Tom: Mary Jane *is* Patrick McGoohan!
>
>When MJ turns up missing, Peter goes to her house. He
>finds traces of sand in her room, and figures out what has
>happened.
>
Mike: She's been abducted by cats! To the theater district!
>At that moment, Jameson is airing a tape which was
>submitted anonymously to the station.
Tom: It's a tape of Yerko gloating how she controls the
Neo-Zero.
Crow: [Yerko] Not even your pathetic Sailor Spidey can
save you now!
> It is Boyd's tape,
>but the kiss has been edited out so what you see is Spider
>Man dropping down, surprising MJ, and then whisking her
>off into the darkness.
Mike: Spidey or Peter Pan? You make the call!
> The announcer says police have no
>other leads in the case of the missing girl, and this tape
>is compelling evidence that Spider Man may have kidnapped
>her.
>
Crow: Oh, and he also took care of Jon-Benet Ramsey too.
>Meanwhile, Peter swings into action as Spider Man.
>Various action shots of him swinging from skyscraper to
>skyscraper. Eating up the miles across town.
Mike: What miles? He's in New York! It's like 4 miles
across town!
>
>He arrives at the mansion in midtown. He searches the
>mansion... can't find them. But he finds Cordelia dead.
Crow: This is why they put warnings on those dry cleaning bags,
lady.
>Strand was in a hurry, didn't have time to jumpstart her
>after his farewell kiss.
Tom: Wow, her job really sucks.
Crow: Especially since it takes him all of one second to do it...
Mike: Not that we're in any position to judge of course.
> The huge bank of TV monitors all
>show the same image. It is Strand's smiling face... held
>in PAUSE from a VCR.
Crow: So, he must have left in the last five minutes, or
else we'd be seeing ESPN on the banks.
>Peter hits PLAY.
Tom: SpiderMoby is on the prowl!
>
>Strand pulls MJ into the frame with him. He says meet him
>at the top of the World Trade Center.
>
Crow: So, they're going to fight on the ground?
Tom: Ouch. This is uncomfortable.
Mike: Yeah. It's still way too soon.
>A second later the doors are kicked in.
Tom: Alright! Give up Elian and no one gets hurt!
> SWAT team members
>pour into the room. Another set-up.
>
>The SWATs see Spider Man, the body... it looks bad.
Mike: Yeah, what with the tape showing a kidnapping,
and the electrocuted body and all...
Tom: I dunno. I think they should send the SWAT team after
the Fly and send the SMASH team after Spidey.
>
> SPIDER MAN
> Sorry boys. Can't stay.
Crow: Yeah, he's ready with a snappy one-liner, all right.
Mike: Peter needs to get bitten by a radioactive Jon
Stewart.
>
>They open fire and Peter leaps, spins, ducks... barely
>escapes. He swings across the room in a vicious arc,
Tom: ...only to swing back in front of the SWAT team again.
Then he has to escape again, only to swing back in
front of the SWAT team. Then he--
Mike: We get the point.
>swooping up and crashes out through a sky-light.
Crow: Ooh, ran right into Batman.
Tom: That's gotta hurt.
> In mid-
>air, surrounded by broken glass, he fires a web and
>catches a flagpole...
Mike: The flagpole screams, "I woulda gotten away with it
if it weren't for you meddling spiderkids!"
> swinging across the street, as...
Tom: Oblivious New Yorkers go about their daily business?
>A Police helicopter swoops toward him...
Crow: He's surrounded by ellipses and...
>Cutting his web, and...
Tom: Creating an amusing new segment on America's Funniest
Home Videos?
>He falls ten stories, shooting strands, missing...
>Shooting one, which catches and he does a bungee bounce at
>a hundred miles an hour...
Mike: Cutting him in half due to the pressure...
> straight back up...
>He spins around a horizontal flag-pole sticking out the
>side of a building and launches himself across the street.
Tom: Gymkata!
>Now he's in the groove, swinging across town like a Spider
>Man should.
Crow: If he knows what's good for him, that is.
>
>ON THE NEWS, the manhunt for Spider Man is the top story.
Mike: After the weather, we'll tell you about a big purple
guy threatening to eat the earth.
>His escape from the police, the kidnapping of Mary Jane
>Watson, and now the murder of Cordelia... it's all
>stacking up against him.
Tom: Reports indicate he was last seen in his Spidey-Bronco,
heading for the airport.
> Live feeds from news helicopters
>show cops in the streets, police helicopters circling.
Crow: And here comes the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man down
Broadway!
>One of the copters even got a fleeting shot of Spider Man
>on the move, in the canyon between two rows of buildings.
>But they lost him.
>
Mike: Yep. He's hiding behind Godzilla.
>PETER reaches the World Trade Center towers. He starts to
>climb...
Crow: Not terribly hard to do given their current state.
Tom: Actually, this script stinks so bad, it might cover
up the stench from Ground Zero.
> racing up the sheer metal face of 2 WTC like he's
>never climbed before.
>
Mike: Wow! Just like in the old Activision game!
>He crashes through the glass into the observation deck
>(closed).
Tom: Conveniently, no extras-- er, civilians are around
for the fight.
> There he confronts Strand, who is holding MJ.
Mike: Dude! Like, let her go!
Tom: [Cameron] Ashton! You're over on set three. Sheesh!
>Peter tells him to let her go and Strand shrugs.
Crow: [Strand] Oh darn, time to give up quietly I guess.
>
> STRAND
> I don't care about her now that you're
> here.
Tom: [Spidey] Oh yeah? Well I don't care about YOU now
that I'M here!
> She was just a lure.
Mike: [Strand] And you fell for it, hook, line, and sinker!
Ha! I'm such a card!
> (he let's go of her)
Crow: She pulls a gun and shoots him. Roll credits.
> It's hard to get a meeting with you,
> young man.
>
Mike: [Strand] It seems like you're trying to avoid me, Peter.
>MJ goes to Spider Man. She seems to be okay.
Tom: A near-catatonic emotional mess, but okay.
>Strand comes over to them. He gestures to the world laid
>out at Peter's feet, like it's something he made just for
>him.
Tom: Spidey never suspects he actually bought it off-the-rack
at Dillard's.
> The city glitters like a billion jewels, as far as
>the eye can see.
>
> STRAND
> Relax, kid.
Crow: And Derek Zoolander leaps towards the Indonesian Prime
Minister!
> I just want to talk.
>
> SPIDER MAN
> About what?
Mike: [Strand] Life insurance. You know, you're in a real
high-risk job and need the security that insurance
provides...
>
> STRAND
> About you. About your career.
Crow: [Strand] About your overbite. Are you covered for
dental?
> Think of me
> as a kind of guidance counselor. So let's
> take your chosen field... hero.
Tom: [Peter] Well, I would have picked the cleric but
they're hard to play right at the beginning.
> See? Bad
> choice. I'm recommending against it.
Crow: Have you thought about Dread Piracy?
>
> SPIDER MAN
> It's not up to you.
Crow: [Spidey] I make my own decisions! Right, MJ?
Mike: [MJ] Take the deal, freak.
Tom: [Spidey] I've decided to take the deal, Mr. Strand!
>
>Strand goes to the window and looks down.
Crow: [Strand] Pity. Boyd, kill him.
Mike: [Peter] D'oh.
> He puts his
>hands on his hips, surveying the world below like some
>wise lord.
Tom: [Strand] Hey Petey, think I can hit that bald guy?
[imitates spitting]
>
> STRAND
> Think about it. You can't save the world.
> Why?
Crow: Cause everybody knows what's going wrong with the
world, but I don't even know what's going wrong
with myself.
> Because you can't save people from
> themselves... from their own brutal and
> venal natures. You're either a predator
> of prey in this world.
Mike: Or Kato Kaelin.
> A killer or a
> victim.
Crow: Sometimes to the media, you're both.
> People are by nature violent,
> stupid, confused, greedy.
Tom: What about Sleepy, Dopey, and Grumpy?
> Why waste your
> gift on the ungrateful masses, who would
> love to see your mask ripped off and see
> you dragged through the slime.
Mike: Just like what happened with El Santo.
> The only
> thing they love more than a hero is to
> see that hero fail, fall, screw-up...
Crow: So you have a thesaurus. So what?
> to
> see him exposed in a scandal, arrested
> with his pants down, caught with his
> hands in the till.
Mike: Wow. That's Robert Downey Jr. to a T.
> You know why? It lets
> them feel better about their own
> miserable lives.
>
Tom: So it's like the man keeping us down?
Crow: Ummmm... no.
>He turns dramatically to face Spider Man. He moves
>closer, his voice hypnotic.
Crow: [Strand, deep] SLEEP!
Tom: Hrmph. Now Cameron's ripping *me* off.
>
> STRAND
> It's a myth that people need heroes.
> People hate heroes!
Mike: I'm sure the FDNY would agree.
> Heroes make them feel
> bad! By creating examples they can never
> live up to.
Tom: Wow, so heroes are the cause of society's collapse.
Crow: Who knew?
> As long as the media can show,
> day after day,
Tom: [Strand] Alone on a hill... the man with the
foolish grin is keeping perfectly still...
> that the people they
> respect and admire are just as twisted
> inside as they are... they're reassured.
Mike: And it's good entertainment!
> They can sleep at night. They can face
> their puffy faces in the mirror in the
> morning.
>
Tom: But who would want to?
Crow: [Strand] But then, I'm not really a people person, so
what do I know?
>MJ looks at Spider Man. It is impossible to read his
>expression through the mask from her perspective
Mike: The perspective an addle-pated spider fetishist.
> (though
>by clever lighting we will be able to see the uncertainty
>in his eyes).
Crow: Didn't you know? Good lighting makes anything possible.
>
> STRAND
> Misery loves company. And everybody's
> miserable.
Tom: It's Morrisey World!
> You run around in your long
> underwear coming off to them like some
> holier than thou saint, Mr. My Socks
> Don't Smell...
Crow: That's the lamest superhero name I've ever heard.
Mike: And judging by the movies we've seen, that's saying
a lot.
> you're heading for a big
> fall. They hate you.
Mike: Even as they cheer you in adulation.
Tom: Pretty ironic.
>
>Strand step up to Peter.
Tom: [Strand] Ok, I'm doing it! Sheesh.
>
> STRAND
> I want this to work out. You're a smart
> kid.
Crow: Compared to the rest of the cast...
> Like those phony bracelets. That was
> a good idea.
>
> PETER
> (alarmed)
> What are you talking about?
Tom: [Strand] Search your feelings. You know it to
be true.
Crow: [Peter] No! I'll never serve you!
>
>Strand puts his hands on Peter's shoulders.
>
> STRAND
> Son. I know your secret.
Tom: [Peter, desperate] You got it all wrong! Miguel
is my nephew! My NEPHEW!
> See... I had the
> web material you left all over my living
> room analyzed. It's real spider silk.
Mike: [Strand] My unsubstantiated hunch paid off!
Crow: You've got zillions of spiders in those bracelets,
don't you?!?
>
>He grabs Peter's wrist and rips off the fake wrist-
>shooters. Looks closely at his wrists.
Crow: And Petey just stands there?
> Bends the hand
>back, forcing the spinneret to poke out a little.
Mike: The Spinnerets are that new boy band that covers
old hits by The Spinners.
> Mary
>Jane looks a little shocked at that one. Peter sees the
>fear in her eyes and his will seems to collapse.
Tom: [Peter] Those? Just some accessories, I swear!
> He sees
>the everything she feels for him changing in a second.
>It's true. He is a freak. He is no longer human.
Mike: Of course those statements aren't exactly related
with Peter.
Crow: By now, Strand would have been beaten up by Captain
America, Iron Man, Luke Cage, Luke Perry, Aunt May...
>
> STRAND
> You can take off the costume,
Mike: [Strand] Aaah! No! Not here, ya perv!
> but you
> will always be the Spider Man.
Crow: [Strand] You can take the man out of the spider,
but you can't take the spider out of the man.
Tom: Without elective surgery not covered by your health
insurance, anyway.
>
> SPIDER MAN
> It's just Spider Man.
Crow: And somewhere out there is Unjust Spider Man, his evil
goateed twin.
>
> STRAND
> The point is, you are not a hero. You are
> a spider.
Mike: You are so beautiful - to me!
Tom: YOU - ARE - A - TOY!
Crow: I am not a spider - I am a human being!
> It's something you don't have a
> choice in. And spiders are predators.
> They kill to live. They kill to live.
Tom: So to sum up - they kill to live.
Mike: Let's not jump to conclusions.
> They are not hampered by humanitarian
> ideals
Crow: Spiders- Nature's perfect used car salesmen!
> or impeded in their lethal
> efficiency by delusions of morality.
Mike: Neither are penguins. What's your point?!
> They
> are pure. Powerful. As God made them.
Crow: Ironically, God subcontracted spider-making to a GM
unit out in the Philippines.
> There are no merciful spiders. There are
> no vegetarian spiders.
Tom: Flies are murder, man!
> It is now time for
> you to face and accept your true nature.
>
Crow: Yep, you're nothing but a great big giant loser geek.
Tom: Sorta like Nelson, here.
Mike: Oh c'mon...
Tom: Just face and accept it, Mike.
>Strand turns again to the window, this time putting his
>arm around Peter's shoulders.
Crow: [Strand] Works every time, heh heh heh!
> Father and son, staring
>down at the world they can own.
>
Mike: Especially if they act now, while interest rates are
so low.
> STRAND
> Join me.
Tom: [Strand] I *am* your fath- oh, wait, I'm not. Strike
that.
> Together we can shake this
> two-bit planet down for its last nickel.
Mike: The Truman Capote Players proudly present their
version of the Star Wars trilogy!
> Take what is rightfully yours.
Tom: Make a second trip to the salad bar!
> You have
> been given a great gift, for a reason. Do
> not squander it.
Crow: You know, swap his spider powers for a piano, and this
is basically the same movie as "Shine".
>
>Peter stares out at the vista for a long time. It all
>makes so much sense.
Mike: [Crow] Jif *does* taste more like fresh roasted peanuts!
> And it seems to explain so much of
>what he feels. All this churning confusion.
Tom: [Peter] Look, am I going to get hot monkey sex or not?
>
>Strand gestures to Boyd, who walks to a shape in the
>shadows nearby.
Crow: Anna Nicole Smith!
> Its about the size of two refrigerators
>and its covered by a tarp.
Crow: Hey, I was right - it *is* Anna Nicole Smith!
Mike: Nah, Petey's about 80 years too young.
> Boyd pulls back the tarp to
>reveal...
>
Mike: Two refrigerators!
Crow: Anna Nichole Smith!
Tom: Another tarp!
All: Oooooooh!
>Money. Neatly stacked bankslipped, piles of hundreds.
Tom: [Slim Pickens] $100 in rubles, $100 in gold, nine packs
of chewing gum, 3 lipsticks, 3 pairs of nylon
stockings...shoot a guy could have a good time in Vegas
with that stuff.
>Six feet tall by eight feet long. Mary Jane gasps.
Crow: [MJ] Um, Mr. Strand? If he's not interested, just let
me run home and get my radioactive spider, and I'll...
>
> STRAND
> Of course I seldom carry cash, but I had
> Boyd bring this for demonstration
> purposes.
Mike: [Strand] This tarp, and many like it, can be yours!
> Much more dramatic than a bank
> statement, wouldn't you say?
Crow: Gotta agree with him there.
>
> MARY JANE
> How much is it?
Mike: [Strand] About thirty-five bucks at Home Depot.
Tom: [MJ] Not the tarp, the money!
>
> STRAND
> It's about... what is it, Boyd?
Crow: It's money, a system of economic barter based on
faith in a governmental issuance of commodity
substitutes. But that's not important right now.
>
> BOYD
> Two hundred and fifty.
>
> MARY JANE
> Thousand?
>
> STRAND
> (insulted)
> Million, dear girl. Million. It's all I
> had lying around on such short notice.
Crow: That ranks right up there with, "Oh, this old rag?"
for the Line Displaying the Most Patently False
Modesty of the Filthy Rich.
Tom: [MJ] Tell me, Strandy, do you believe in love at first
currency - I mean, sight?
> (to Spider Man)
> Of course it's chump change compared to
> what you and I could do together.
Mike: Because spider powers can earn you money, how?
> It's
> out there. All we have to do is take it.
> You know how I get this?
Crow: [Strand] By reading e-mails at home. Let *me* show
*you* how easy it can be!
> It's a half a
> cent here, a half a cent there...
Mike: Pretty soon, you've got a penny!
> electronic transactions taking place a
> million times a second... all over the
> world. And nobody misses it. That's the
> beauty.
Tom: Linda Hamilton planned all of this?
Crow: Sounds like Jimmy has some issues.
>
> SPIDER MAN
> You know, I took some money once.
All: *Once!*
> It was
> easy. It was just sitting there.
Tom: [disturbed] Mocking me... like it was BETTER than me
or something.
> It was
> the solution to all my problems, and
> there was nobody to stop me. Nobody could
> touch me. So I took it.
Mike: This is a pretty dramatic build-up for finding a quarter
on the ground outside the post office.
> And you know what
> I found out?
>
> STRAND
> What, son?
Crow: [Spidey] Monopoly money only buys things in Monopoly
games.
>
> SPIDER MAN
> That there is a line you don't cross.
Tom: A teamsters' picket line.
> And
> that sometimes you only find the line by
> tripping over it the first time you cross
> it.
Mike: [Spidey] I find me a lot of lines.
> But once you do, you always know
> right where it is.
Crow: [Spidey] And that if you pick up that line and keep it
in your pocket, it'll get all tangled and knotty, and
then you have to cut that line with a pair of scissors,
and - and - ah, shoot, I lost my train of thought!
>
> STRAND
> Oh, please! Next you're going to tell me
> you gave the money back.
Mike: Huh? Nah, I just invested in a paramutual fund.
>
> SPIDER MAN
> More or less.
>
> STRAND
> This is a disappointment.
Tom: This line of dialogue can be inserted anywhere in
this script and not be out of place.
Mike: Movie Cliche # 70: The villain always comes close to
swaying the hero to his side, but never succeeds.
>
> SPIDER MAN
> Listen, you want to talk about fate?
Mike: Yes, please. Action movies are all about talking.
> Maybe there is a reason for all this.
Crow: Perhaps Stan Lee needs money?
> Maybe I was put here to stop guys like
> you when nobody else has the balls.
Tom: Or maybe it was just to gad about rooftops and hit on
hot chicks with a secret bondage fetish.
>
> BOYD
> Pretty tough talk for a guy in a
> danceskin.
>
Crow: Yeah, that pretty much sums it up for me.
>Strand moves without warning, grabbing Mary Jane before
>Peter can pull her away.
All: D'OH!!!
Mike: C'mon, Pete, do a little planning ahead!
> She feels the current running
>through her.
Tom: I've always admired how well she conducts herself.
Mike: Boooo.
> Peter lunges forward and Strand turns up the
>juice.
Crow: He's invented Sunny-D!
> Mary Jane cries out.
Tom: [Pete] MJ! Don't cry out loud! Just keep it inside!
Learn how to hide your feelings!
>
>Peter stops. He can only watch helplessly as Strand toys
>with her life.
Crow: Y'know, Superman woulda had this under control by now.
Batman would've, too.
Tom: Or Captain Marvel. Or the other Captain Marvel.
Mike: Or Captain Nice.
Tom: Or Captain Kangaroo.
Crow: Heck, even Forbush Man could do better than this!
> Strand grabs her head and kisses her. The
>voltage makes her hair shoot straight out. She starts
>doing the watusi.
Crow: Metaphor? No! She just feels like dancin'!
>
> STRAND
> See how power turns women on?
>
Mike: Especially if it's one of those new-fangled electric
women.
>He breaks the kiss.
Crow: Wha? He can't talk and lock lips at the same time!
The circuit was broken!
> She slaps the shit out of him and he
>kisses her again,
Crow: Sound familiar Mike?
> this time at a much higher voltage. MJ
>starts to convulse wildly.
Mike: This has all the tension and high drama of a Three
Stooges episode.
>
>Meanwhile, Sandman has dissolved
Tom: He's bringing pain relief quicker.
> and is flowing across the
>floor. He reforms behind Peter and grabs him in a grip of
>solid rock.
Mike: The fiend! He foiled Peter's plan of standing there
limp with his mouth open!
Crow: So, no tingly Spidey-Sense?
Tom: Guess not.
> Peter struggles as Strand electrocutes MJ.
Crow: She was just bait, but she was annoying bait.
>
>She bucks and goes still. Her head falls back and Peter
>sees her staring eyes, pupils fixed and dilated.
Mike: The 48-hour "Road Rules" marathon was just too much.
>Dead as they come.
Crow: How dead *do* they come?
Mike: About like this, apparently.
> Peter can only stare in horror.
Crow: Spiders! Nature's incompetent buffoons!
Tom: Once again, our hero, folks.
>
> STRAND
> Mmmm. What should we do? Call 911?
Crow: It's a joke, you know.
>
> PETER
> I'll kill you! Motherfucker! You hear
> me?! You're dead, you sick bastard!
>
Tom: [badly dubbed] Damn, I'll burn you into BBQ chicken!
> STRAND
> See! That's my point exactly! You are a
> killer, kid.
Crow: [Strand] I killed her because of you! See?!? See?!?
> You've got it in you. Why
> don't you accept it? You want to rip my
> throat out right now.
Mike: As opposed to the audience, who wants to rip their own
throats out.
>
>Strand puts his hand on Mary Jane's sternum and zaps her
>with a defibrillating pulse.
Tom: Not to mention copping a feel.
> She arches, then relaxes.
Mike: I can't help thinking Strand could make more money
working for hospitals.
>Her chest starts to move.
Crow: Spidey, Strand, and Boyd all stop to watch *this* part.
> She opens her eyes, weakly,
>seeing Strand looking down at her.
>
Mike: [MJ] Your - your nose hairs - they're arcing!
> STRAND
> I think there's real electricity between
> us, don't you?
Tom: [MJ] Aw man, every time a guy kisses me to death then
revives me, he's right in my face! I hate that!
>
>Peter goes berserk.
Crow: Well, after a line like that, who can blame him?
>He fires webs at MJ, jerking her out of Strand's arms
>before he can react.
Mike: And pretty much breaking every rib she has in the
process.
> Then...
>Mustering all his force, he EXPLODES the Sandman into
>loose chunks,
Crow: Proving his forethought in giving Sandman that
primacord T-shirt for Xmas.
> which rain down around the room.
Mike: What's he like? It's not important. Particle Man.
>He dives out of the way of Strand's first bolt of
>lightning, which sets a wall on fire...
Crow: o/~ Wall on fire - burning down the rooooooad... o/~
Mike: Er, what wall? They're on top of the WTC!
>Peter tackles MJ and scoops her up...
Tom: Surreptitiously sliding a hand up under her skirt in
the process...
Crow: [MJ] Okay, all this fondling crap is gonna stop, or
I *swear* I'm walking out and joining the cast of
"Daredevil"!
>Diving right through the glass, a quarter mile up...
Tom: Good move, Spidey. I'm sure the breaking glass only
SLIGHTLY punctured her windpipe.
>Her scream vanishes on the wind.
Mike: As does her lunch.
>
>Sandman chunks dissolve into puddles of sand and quickly
>flow together... forming back into a human shape.
Crow: Mike, is it possible for a famed director such as
James Cameron to actually rip *himself* off, and in
such a manner as to make the rip-off seem completely
hackneyed and derivative?
Mike: I'm told it is, yes.
> Strand,
>in a fury runs to the window, looking down.
Crow: [Strand] Why did I do this on top of a building?! He
LOVES that! What was I THINKING?!
> No sign of
>Spider Man. Looking up he catches a glimpse of a figure
>leaping from one tower to the next...
Tom: It's just Toad warming up for "X-Men 2".
Mike: If they were on the observation deck, why would he be
looking UP?
> carrying MJ to
>safety. He fires a lightning bolt which sears the night.
Crow: But fails to Roebuck it.
>It explodes glass out of the north tower.
[All shudder.]
Tom: OK. These are images that really didn't need revisiting.
>
>ON THE ROOF of the tower, Spider Man gets MJ to the
>stairwell door. He rips it off its hinges and he tells
>her to run.
Mike: Too late, he yells to her plummeting form, "Down
the staircase!"
> She starts down. Then turns back to him.
Crow: [MJ] You *will* call, right?
Tom: [Spidey] Um... sure.
>
> MARY JANE
> I love you.
>
> SPIDER MAN
> Cool.
>
Tom: Keanu Reeves *is* Spider Man.
>He turns to see...
Mike: [gasping] A cold front spreading across the Great Plains!
>
>Across the gap, on the outdoor deck of the south tower,
>Sandman and Strand come out the door.
Crow: [Strand] Look! I told you - we *can* see our secret
evil hideout from here!
> Strand fires
>lightning bolts across to the other roof, blasting debris
>into the air.
Mike: The message of the movie? Spiders need guns!
Tom: If you're a villain, and you're battling a spider without
a gun, just casually go about your business. Chill.
> Peter knows enough not to leap onto the
>microwave tower... a natural lightning rod.
Mike: So instead, he hops into a bucket of water while
clutching his Spidey-Blowdryer.
>
>Strand summons a furious force field of electromagnetic
>energy, like a sorcerer calling up a demon.
Crow: That's a good way to get yourself possessed by an
evil, vowel-free bug.
Tom: [poinging up & down in his seat] Stay good, Strand!
Stay good!
> The fiercely
>glowing plasma leaps across to the base of the microwave
>mast on the north tower. It starts to glow cherry red.
Mike: Soon, it was bursting with piping hot fruity goodness!
>Concentrating, he uses the electromagnetic force to bend
>the microwave tower toward him.
Tom: [Strand] Boy, it's fun being nothing like Magneto at
all, you betcha!
>It topples, falling across the gap. Bridging the two
>towers.
Mike: JRR Tolkein is furious!
>Sandman leaps onto the bridge and runs across to Spider
>Man.
Crow: Spiderman pushes the bridge off. Sandman curses his
own stupidity.
>
>THE FINAL BATTLE IS JOINED.
Tom: - said God, to the surprise of the combatants.
>
>And it's a real barn-burner.
Mike: Soon, barns all across Manhattan are in ruins.
Crow: Mrs. O'Leary's cow is pleased with her disciples'
handiwork. Uh, hoofiwork.
> Vicious and elemental.
Tom: Even Swamp Thing is drawn into the melee.
>I won't bore you with the details right now, but it's big.
Mike: Oh, so it's over?
>
>Some of the highlight:
>
Tom: Nope.
Mike: But he said he wasn't going to bore us with the details!
Crow: No, he's going to bore us with the highlights.
Mike: Oh.
>A major slug-fest with Sandman, during which...
Crow: He bets on the slug races and buys slug-related souvenirs.
>They pound each other mercilessly and reduce every object
>in sight to junk...
Tom: And considering how high they are, that's a lot of
junk.
Crow: *Wham!* Yankee Stadium is junk! *Crash* The Chrysler
Building is junk! *Pow* New Jersey is junk!
>Peter is pummelled, his costume ripped half off...
Mike: [Future Wars guy] He is a tool.
Tom: Robert Z'Dar *is* the Sandman!
Crow: Wait, hold it, that sounds too much like an actual
casting decision!
>Sandman gets spread around and reforms...
Mike: Chris Carter calls, and asks if he could replace Mulder
for a while.
>
>All the while, Strand is ripping open the power panel next
>to the huge roof fans...
Crow: [Strand] Dangit, I *knew* I shoulda brought the
Craftsman tool set!
>Pulling out the 440 volt main cables...
>And FEEDING off the power...
Tom: Iron Chef Con Edison has one dish. Smoked Strand with an
Amperage Glaze.
>Screaming to high heaven as the energy blasts through him
>and...
Crow: ...we count the hundreds of times we've seen it all
before.
>A brown-out darkens the whole lower half of Manhattan...
Tom: This wouldn't've happened if Giuliani were still in
charge!
>And Strand conjures a writhing, living field of blinding
>blue-white force around him.
Crow: GE's new "soft white" Strand makes whites seem whiter-
colors more colorful!
> It lifts objects into the
>air and melts the steel railing near him.
Mike: It burns a hole in the floor beneath him. Life was
a never-ending carnival of surprises!
> The power of
>his mind to control the electromagnetic forces has grown
>exponentially.
>
Tom: [Strand] So be it, Jedi.
>Sandman pounds Spidey into semi-consciousness. Hurls him
>off the roof...
Crow: And he lands right smack on that tower-bridge.
Mike: [Sandman] D'OH!! Gotta learn to aim better!
>But he catches a web and pulls himself back up, like one
>of those spiders you can't get to stay down the drain...
Crow: "Down the drain" - an apropos phrase if there ever
was one.
Tom: Excuse me, but when your enemy's strength is swinging
on buildings, WHY WOULD YOU THROW HIM OFF ONE?!
Mike: It's sorta like when Bluto tries to choke Popeye on
his own spinach.
>
>Spidey sees Strand readying a mega-blast...
Tom: [Spidey] Hey, cool! Pour me onea those, too!
>He leaps as the bolt rips along the edge of the roof...
>Blasting glass into space and fusing the steel in a
>glowing track a yard wide.
Crow: Ewww! Electromagnetic skid marks!
Mike: [depressed] Boy. Watching these guys destroy the
World Trade Center is about as much fun as the ghetto
scenes in "Schindler's List".
>
>Spidey sees that Strand is about to fire again...
>He fires a web at Sandman, lassoing him...
Tom: Yeeeeeeehaaaah! Ride thet doggie, pardner!
Mike: It's Old Time Billy Spider's Junior Rodeo!
>Just as Stand unleashes a bolt...
>Spidey drops over the edge, pulling the web taut...
Tom: Again demonstrating the great ADVANTAGES in fighting
Spiderman in this location.
>Jerking Sandman, screaming, right into the path of the
>lightning beam...
Crow: Too bad he didn't notice that nearby rack of chemicals.
Tom: Wow, we got our own little Amalgam universe going here!
>The furious bright plasma wraps over the Sandman...
Mike: The happy dim plasma just tickles his armpits.
>Fusing him into molten glass.
Tom: Finally! A non-spider-related science lesson!
Crow: Hey, I think I saw this on "Farscape" last month.
>
>Strand swears and runs across the bridge to the north
>tower.
Crow: Spiderman pushes the bridge off. Strand rails at
his own stupidity.
Tom: [Strand] If ya want a spider killed right, ya
gotta do it yourself!
>Sandman is a smoking lump of melted glass in the vague
>form of a man.
Mike: Sorta like Ozzy Osbourne.
> Poised, cooling, in a position of agony.
>Like Michaelangelo's dying slave. His glass mouth is a
>shapeless pit of eternal pain.
Tom: Or an ashtray. Whichever.
>Bummer.
>
Crow: The shallowness of this script runs deep.
>Strand looks around and in a fury.
Mike: A Plymouth Fury?
Crow: How'd he get it up there?
>Spider Man appears around the superstructure of the tower
>with a fire-hose.
Tom: Ah, we've now entered the "Laurel and Hardy" portion
of the script!
> He unleashes a stream of water at
>Strand just as he is summoning a surge of power.
Mike: [Michael Richards] You get to drink from...
All: THE FIRE HOSE!!!
>It shorts, and there is a tremendous steam explosion.
Crow: Enough rice is cooked to feed Nepal for a year.
>They are both hurled several yards.
>Spider Man comes up running and dives at Strand, smashing
>him brutally across the face...
Tom: Crouching Spidey, Hidden Strand.
>Pummelling him even as Strand shoots pulses into Peter's
>body which cause him to scream and writhe in agony.
Mike: Actually, he's just reading him excerpts from this script.
Tom: The Fiend!
>Peter is hurled back against a wall...
>He is crumpled on the ground, his costume in smoking
>rags...
Crow: He's wrapped his costume in smoking rags?
Mike: It gives it that great hickory-roasted aroma.
>And Strand, unsteady and bleeding, advances.
Tom: He goes on to meet Serena Williams in the semi-final.
>
>Strand summons his amperage for a single, lethal blast.
Crow: [Strand] o/~ I'm so glad we had this time, together! o/~
>The veins stand out on his neck and forehead.
Mike: Hey, Strand - why so tense?
> This is the
>big one...
Crow: [Sanford] I'm comin', 'Lizabeth!
>And Peter raises his head, his eyes steady...
>They lock eyes...
>And in the blink of an eye...
Mike: Which since the eyes were locked, couldn't happen...
>Strand fires. Peter leaps.
Crow: A maid screams.
Mike: A door slams.
Tom: Tom Servo barfs.
> In midair he tags Strand with
>a loop of web and sails past him...
Tom: [Spidey] You're it.
>Over the edge...
>Jerking Strand with him, over the side...
Mike: Attention all supervillains. Next time you scout
locations for your climactic battle with Spiderman,
consider a low-lying trench or gully.
>And they fall together, down the face of the tower...
Mike: Who are you guys rooting on to survive, Strand,
or Spidey?
Crow: Neither. I'm rooting for Newton.
Tom: Yeah. Go, gravity, go!
>Strand screams, unleashing bolts of power in all
>directions...
Tom: Conveniently, none are in *Spidey's* actual direction.
>
>From a distance it looks like some kind of fantastic
>Jacob's Ladder as the arcs light up the gap between the
>two towers.
Crow: See? There's Tim Robbins standing up there right now!
>Strand's death fall is one of the most beautiful displays
>ever seen,
Mike: [Cameron] Much better than that crappy love scene in a
field of cherry blossoms Kirosawa seems so stuck on
himself about!
> like a symmetrical release of the energy which
>created him out of art and the elements.
Tom: It's like a butterfly! A beautiful, beautiful,
evil, rock-stupid butterfly!
>Falling... Peter, fighting for consciousness,
Mike: Same as the audience.
> fires webs
>at the wall...
Tom: What wall?
Crow: You know, the 120-story wall they built to block the WTC's
view of New Jersey.
>And one finally sticks...
>But it breaks. They're going too fast...
Tom: So much for "stronger than steel".
Crow: It's a misprint - his webs are actually "stronger
than stool".
Mike & Tom: Ewwwww!
>He fires one at the far tower, fifty feet away...
>It grabs...
Tom: ...Johnson from accounting...
>And he swings toward the tower...
Crow: But misses and lands in the harbor instead.
>Slamming against it as the line pulls taut...
Mike: Tomorrow, some window washer will be cursing over
the stain.
>HOLDING. Jerking him to a stop, from a hundred miles an
>hour to zero in one second...
Tom: Pete now wears a size 108 long sport coat.
>And Strand rockets past him, still falling...
>Peter holds the web with all his might...
Mike: Why am I thinking "dislocated shoulder" here?
Crow: Heck, if Gordon Freeman can grab a ladder rung after
plunging twelve stories...
>Stopping Strand so suddenly that he slams into the steel
>columns along the side of the building with a sickening
>smack.
Tom: [Spidey] Hey, evildoer, watch out for that...
Mike: *whumpf!*
Tom: [Spidey] ...building.
>
>The lightning stops suddenly.
Crow: Ororo just found out the check didn't clear.
>A few stray arcs as Strand's broken body dangles at the
>end of Peter's line.
Mike: [fisherman] Ay, what kinda bait ya usin' there, pal?
> The sound of sirens wafts up from
>the street far below.
Tom: [Spidey] Honest, officers, the guy just tied himself
to my webline and flung himself against the solid
steel support columns! Really!!
>
>OBSERVATION FLOOR, SOUTH TOWER: It is the window Peter
>shattered leaping out with Mary Jane.
Mike: We tell you kids not to play ball in Manhattan, but
do you listen?!? No!!
>He climbs painfully up into view. Moving slowly, he
>swings in until he is on the floor.
Tom: [Spidey] *pant* *pant* Geez, it *gasp* looked so
easy when *pant* Adam West did it! *gasp*
> He pulls up on the
>taut lifeline, dragging a semi-conscious Strand up into
>the building.
Crow: [Spidey] Easy, easy, he - oops! Concussion. Now I -
oh. I didn't know arms could bend like that. And
another concussion. Wow, he sure bruises easy.
> He lays him out on the floor.
Mike: He strips him naked, and produces his "fairy bride"
costume. A bad day turns dark, and meaner.
>
>Strand is bleeding badly, and broken inside.
Tom: Just like my soul, at this point.
> Dying.
Crow: [Strand, dying] Got any fabric you want colored? Because
I'm dying! Get it? Aw, screw the living, you're all a
bunch of pills.
>Peter's mask is ripped half off by the fight. He pulls it
>off his head, showing his face to Strand for the first
>time.
Mike: [Strand] Geez, I got beaten up by a nerd?!?
>
> STRAND
> What's your name kid?
>
Crow: Joyrock, Michigan J.
Tom: Bond, James Bond.
Mike: I am Sailor Moon! Champion of-
[Crow pecks Mike...hard.]
Mike: Oh, sorry.
> PETER
> Parker. Peter Parker.
Crow: [Peter] 12 inches of Peter Parker.
Tom: Eww.
>
> STRAND
> Peter Parker. So... what're you? Senior
> in high school?
Mike: [Strand] Got a date for the prom yet?
Tom: [Peter] Shut up!
>
> PETER
> Yeah. I graduate next week.
Crow: Y'know, it's nice that mortally wounded enemies can take
the time to just sit and have a nice little chat.
Tom: Yeah. When he's not being a monomaniacal monster on an
insane power trip, Strand's actually quite pleasant.
>
>Strand chuckles weakly, coughing blood from ruptured lungs.
>
> STRAND
> Unbelievable.
>
Tom: [Strand] The idiot writing this ripped off the ending
of Blade Runner. Unbelievable.
Crow: And Star Wars.
Tom: Of course.
Mike: And Batman and Robin.
Tom: OK, OK.
>He dies.
>
Tom: Good-night, sweet Strand, and may flights of hokey
one-shot villains sing thee to thy rest!
>Peter sags, spent. Then he sees the pallet of money.
Crow: [Pete] Hmm... gotta be a bill in there the coke
machine'll take.
>Two hundred and fifty million dollars.
>Stolen a half a cent at a time from a billion accounts all
>over the world.
Mike: Apparently by people who've watched "Office Space".
Crow: Or "Superman III", where Judge stole the idea in the
first place.
Tom: I thought he stole the idea from Harry Harrison's
"A Stainless Steel Rat Is Born."
Mike: Hell, he stole it from a lot of places, okay?
> Impossible to give back.
>
>What the heck.
Tom: Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. C, I, L, L.
My land lord.
>
>People don't notice the cloud at first.
Crow: Soon, all of Manhattan has been transformed into
clown zombies!
Mike: Huh?!
Crow: It's a Freakazoid thing, Mike.
>A green cloud, covering the city...
Tom: People flee in terror from the Long Island Broccoli
Festival!
> a cloud of hundred
>dollar bills fluttering out across the city on a brisk
>breeze.
Crow: And now they rip off the end of "It's a Mad, Mad,
Mad, Mad World." Again.
> Spreading for miles.
Mike: Immediately, IRS Early Strike teams cover the city.
>
>But New York notices when it reached the street.
Crow: Oh, sure, $100 bills were hip at first, but now
they're as passé as "All Your Base".
Mike: Yeah, the 50 Euro note is where it's at now.
> From
>Central Park to the Battery, it is one big street party.
Tom: Okay, everyone! Time to try for that new world record
in the Electric Slide!
>On a warm evening, the first night of summer, it's raining
>hundred dollar bills as far as the eye can see.
Crow: Boy, Al Roker sure blew *that* forecast.
Mike: Great. This money will do so much good in the hands of
the poor, oppressed lawyers and stockbrokers of the
financial district.
Tom: Good job, Spiderjerk.
>
>CUT TO: SPIDER MAN hanging in his eyrie.
Mike: Yep. Hanging out in the Wedge. Chatting with Kei
and Yuri. Learning how to fly X-Wings...
>
> SPIDER MAN
> Well, when they rebuilt the radio tower,
Crow: Yeah - well - maybe someday... *sniff*
Mike: They will, Crow - don't worry.
> I sort of made it my favorite hang. The
> money? Cute trick, huh?
Tom: Dumb, but cute.
> Like I said,
Mike: [Peter] It's all about the Benjamins.
> there's more than one way to be a saint.
Crow: If given a choice, choose the Roger Moore way over
the Val Kilmer way.
> Did it save the world? Naw. It probably
> didn't save anybody. Except maybe me.
Mike: Throwing away a quarter of a billion dollars lowered
his cholesterol. It can lower yours, too.
Crow: Throwing away a quarter of a billion dollars is now
available in prescription strength.
Tom: In rare cases, throwing away a quarter of a billion
dollars caused certain side effects such as mild nausea,
sore throat, rash, and banging your head against a brick
wall and yelling "I JUST THREW AWAY A QUARTER OF A
BILLION DOLLARS!!! WHAT AM I, NUTS OR SOMETHING?!?"
>
>CUT TO PETER, at school. It is the end of the schoolyear.
Crow: o/~SCHOOOOOOOOL'S OUT, FOR, EVER! o/~
>He has a lot of bruises. He tells them he fell off his
>moped.
>They think he's a putz.
Mike: They're right.
Tom: So Pete, MJ and Flash are the only goyim at a Long
Island Rabbinical School.
>
>MJ is back too. She is very quiet.
Crow: Yeah. A little *too* very quiet!
> She doesn't hang with
>any of her old friends. They think she's odd now.
Mike: Then they think they're alone now.
> She
>doesn't care.
Tom: [MJ] I've got a thousand Spidey babies growing inside
me to worry about!
>
> SPIDER MAN (V.O.)
> There was still the small matter of the
> woman I loved...
Crow: Tara Reid?
Tom: [Pete] I wasn't quite through putting her life in
danger yet.
>
>Peter and MJ get their grade on the science project. A+.
Crow: Our reaction? Dull surprise.
>He is happy for her that she will graduate with a B and
>get her car.
Mike: Meanwhile, Petey's gonna be taking the cross-town bus
for the foreseeable future.
> But she doesn't care about that anymore.
>She's decided to go to a different collage,
Crow: One made up of magazine clippings and glitter glue.
> get her grades
>up, and then go to med-school.
Tom: Her experience watching a passel of super-powered
nutjobs whale the tar out of each other has convinced
her to devote her life to medicine.
Crow: And what fairy land is this where one can change one's
college plans a week from graduation?
>
>She thanks him for helping her see the wonder of things.
>She kisses him. And whoa... wait a minute.
Mike: [Narrator] Where are my car keys? Anyone seen my keys?
Pete? Mary Jane? Strand? Uncle Ben? Anyone?
> Why does that
>kiss seem so familiar?
Crow: [MJ] Why was his tongue a hollow tube probing the warmth
of my blood?
> Peter is smiling. Not a geek.
>But confident. Even, somehow... charming.
Tom: Eddie Deezen *is* John Robie *in* "To Catch a Geek"!
>
> PETER
> Mary Jane. Close your eyes.
Mike: Tom Petty's here for his last dance.
>
>She does. Puzzled. He moves very close to her.
[All together]
Mike: I'm not wearing any shorts.
Crow: Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Tom: You think you could introduce me to that Gwen Stacy chick?
>
> PETER
> (in Spidey voice)
> Do you still trust me?
Mike: [grumbling] "Aladdin". Right there.
Tom: This whole script is nothing but Grand Theft Cinema!
>
>She gasps and her eyes pop open...
Crow: ...and land on the ground, fixing him with an accusing
glare!
> staring at him. Then
>she gulps, nods once and squeezes them shut.
Tom: [MJ] Tell me it wasn't him! Please please please
please tell me it was *anybody* but HIM!!
> He kisses
>her long and deep, and she twines her fingers in his hair.
Mike: Soon his paralyzing toxin is coursing through her veins!
>Two of MJ's snotnose girlfriends are walking by.
Crow: Sinus season hits the New York Metro area hard.
> They
>just stare, shocked.
Mike: They're so surprised, they forget to sosh for a whole hour.
>MJ breaks, staring at him in wonder.
Tom: [MJ] *How* could it possibly be *HIM*?!?!?
>
> MARY JANE
> My God, Peter. Are you really him?
> I mean--
Crow: [MJ] Eww, gross!
>
> PETER
> Shhhh!
Mike: [Peter] Just surrender yourself to the wonder that is me!
>
>It is what everybody secretly hopes for...
Crow: To be mutated into a half-human, half-arachnid
creature with no hope for a normal life?
> that someday
>someone will see past the face that everyone sees to their
>secret self -- what is inside and hidden.
Mike: I think she sees that Peter is really just a sad clown.
Crow: I think she sees Peter as a series of ones and zeros.
Tom: Nah, she sees Peter as a sort of an idealized version
of the compleat Renaissance man.
> Peter grins,
>and she returns it.
>They go back into the kiss, just as...
Crow: The audience lulls back in a pleasant slumber.
>
>Flash grabs Peter by the shoulder and spins him around.
Mike: Like a record, baby?
Crow: Right. Round, round, round.
>He can't believe it's true. MJ with this pencil-neck.
Tom: Freddie Vlassey *is* Flash Thompson!
> He
>tells Peter to walk with him a second and Peter shrugs.
Mike: Then he tells him to have a seat and Peter does this. [Mike
ticks his thumbs in his ears and wiggles his fingers]
>Sure. He turns back to Mary Jane.
>
> PETER
> When two male wolf spiders, Pardosa,
> encounter one another in the presence of
> a female, they assume ritual threat
> postures.
Crow: Talking smack about each other until the cops show up.
>
>MJ smirks. Her eyes merry.
Tom: Her cheeks, how red. Her nose like a cherry.
> Poor Flash.
Tom: [MJ] It's so cute when my new super-boyfriend beats
up non-superpowered people for fun.
>Flash drags Peter by his arm around the corner.
>He whirls on Peter without warning, with a lightning
>roundhouse.
Mike: Or a rounding lighthouse.
> But of course Peter ducks and Flash hits a
>brick wall.
Crow: The brick wall collapses. Peter rethinks the whole
"teach the bully a lesson" finale.
>
> PETER
> Careful, Flash. You could sprain
> something.
Tom: Knowing Flash, probably his one remaining brain cell.
>
>Howling in pain, Flash holds his hand, then charges again.
Crow: Spider-Man - he's everywhere you want to be.
>Peter steps aside, and Flash roars past. In the blink of
>an eye Peter shoots a tiny strand of web to a nearby
>railing.
Mike: Hey, it's the return of Slab Hardcheese!
Crow: ["Slab"] MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!!
> Flash rushes him, tripping on the silk, and
>cartwheels into a wall.
>
> PETER
> Flash, you should really watch your step.
> Here, let me help you up.
Mike: Can we just fast-forward to the point where Flash gets
dumped in the pool, or a mud puddle, or a dung cart or
whatever?
>
>Peter helps Flash to his feet, surreptitiously attaching a
>web to the back of his jacket.
Tom: Along with eight teeny-tiny little "Kick Me" signs.
> He shoots the other end to
>a nearby railing. Peter dusts Flash off and turns,
>walking away.
Crow: This is the part of "Gosford Park" I really didn't
understand.
> Flash roars and charges...
Mike: He's nearing his credit limit.
> only to get
>jerked short like a mean dog on a short chain.
Tom: [Foghorn] Heh! That, Ah say, that dog's 'bout
as sharp as a bag o'wet mice!
> His feet
>fly out from under him and he crashes on his back. Dazed.
Crow: And confused.
Tom: Geez, Peter, why not just carry a big neon sign that
says, "I am Spiderman!"
>
>All the kids standing around the schoolyard laugh
>uproariously.
Crow: Gallagher has suddenly appeared!
> Peter grins and holds up his hands.
Mike: Even Pete finally throws up his hands and says,
"I just don't know".
>
> PETER
> I never laid a glove on him. I swear.
Tom: Yeah, pretty soon, Pete's beating up everyone at
school, terrorizing the football team, taking the
crossing guards' lunch money...
>
>Everybody cheers. Because the truth is: we really do like
>heroes. Especially when they're underdogs.
Mike: Well, everyone but Simon Bar Sinister.
>
>CUT TO SPIDER MAN: STILL HANGING.
Crow: Pervert!
>
> SPIDER MAN
> Mary Jane and I got accepted to different
> colleges. Wouldn't you know it?
Tom: I would.
Mike: I wouldn't.
Crow: I might, but I'll have to look it up.
> But we
> see each other every weekend.
Tom: [Pete] Well I see her through her dorm window. Some
things you never outgrow.
> Her grades
> are better than mine, but I blame it on
> the heavy hours.
Mike: And not, of course, on the non-stop boozing and
raves.
> It's not easy being your
> friendly neighborhood Spider Man. Takes
> it out of you.
Crow: Errr... takes *what* out of you?
Tom: The old silk, of course.
> Well, it's a schoolnight.
> Gotta fly.
Tom: [Pete] Mmmmmm, and it's delicious! Want one?
> Be good.
Mike: Look for the spiders! KEEP WATCHING THE GROUND!!!
>
>He pushes off from the mast... swinging in an arc out over
>the edge of the roof.
Tom: He crashes head-first into a gargoyle. It's SO cool!
> Paying out web-line
Crow: Instead of cash.
> he drops like
>an express elevator toward the street far below.
Tom: [Pete] Here I go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o...
Mike: Too bad he forgot to actually *attach* his webline
to something.
Crow: The embarrassing part is that Superman had to pop over
from the DC Universe just to save him.
>
>TILTING DOWN to follow as he becomes a black dot above the
>sea of lights.
Tom: Spider-Man now concludes his programming day.
> A tiny spider going home.
>
Crow: Until such day as spiders telecommute.
>
> THE END
>
>
Mike: Oh, how I love to see those words.
Tom: I feel gypped. I was expecting "THE END?"
Crow: Nah, they already knew there was a sequel coming.
Tom: Well, we're leaving.
[Mike lifts Tom up and they all exit the theater.]
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .]
[The crew is gathered behind the command console.]
Mike: Wow.
Crow: Yeah, what a mess.
Tom: It'll still make hundreds of millions of dollars
though.
Mike: I dunno.
Tom: "Dude, Where's My Car".
Mike: Good point.
Crow: Well, enough of this chit-chat. Let's start
the musical number!
Mike: What musical number?
Crow: We always end these things with a musical number.
So, let's go! And a one and a two...
Mike: We're not singing, Crow.
Crow: But, but... I had a great song ready! Its to the
tune of "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing." Listen!
o/~ I could spin a web to hang outside your window! o/~
Mike: That's nice but we're still not doing it.
Tom: Yeah. It's been done. Let's just make fun of this
turkey one last time and split.
Crow: Okay, I'm down with that.
Voice: [O.S.] Now just hold on a second!
[The trio sighs and turn towards the hexfield, which opens
to reveal a disheveled Carlton Strand.]
All: [Flatly.] Hi, Mr. Strand.
Tom: Um, aren't you dead?
Strand: No. All I needed was a Diehard and I was good
as new.
Crow: Oh, come on. A diehard? A better touch would have
said "Oh, I had a UPS backup."
Tom: Heck, even "Oh, some bactine and I was good as
new" would have worked.
Crow: I dunno. Maybe if you talked about Gatorade and
the electrolytes...
Strand: Oh, quiet. All of you! I heard all of you making
fun of me all through the script! And believe me,
I'll make you pay!
Crow: What are you going to do? Shut off our life support?
Tom: Hah! We won't be affected! Although I suppose you could
use your powers to turn Crow and I into robotic killing
machines...
Mike: Guys, shut up.
Strand: Well, I can't really do any of that to you. You're
in space after all. I can't even mess up your TV
reception. But I can do this!
[The view pulls back to reveal Times Square. Strand snaps
and suddenly, the words "Mike Sux!" appear on the giant
TV screen.]
Mike: Hey!
Strand: See? Fear my wrath, fools!
Crow: Oh, please. Like that bothers us.
Tom: Yeah, wuss. Why don't you just buy a space shuttle
or three and come up here and take us on? You've
got billions after all.
Mike: Guys, shut up.
Strand: Well, I kinda [softer] don't have any money anymore.
Crow: What?
Strand: I lost all my money, okay?
Tom: What, did Spidey take it?
Crow: Did IRS Man launch a financial raid on your HQ?
Strand: No, I... I invested in Enron, okay? [weeping]
After I invested in the XFL, I needed money, and I
thought it'd be ironic to invest in a power company.
You know, with my powers and all. How was I supposed
to know? Huh? [He starts sobbing.]
Mike: Geez. There's nothing worse than crying supervillains.
Crow, can you calm him down? Tom, this may take a while.
Why don't you tell the folks how they can join us.
Although why they'd want to do so is beyond me...
Tom: Sure thing, Mike. To join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List,
send an e-mail to "majo...@pinky.wtower.com" with the
message "subscribe dibslist" in the message body. Don't
forget to read the FAQ at
"http://www.masemware.com/mst3k/faq.shtml", and try to
avoid having electrokinetic villains eavesdrop on your
experiment.
Crow: Now, now. I'm sure everything will be okay.
Strand: You really think so?
Crow: Sure. I mean, you can't possibly mess up this
much again, could you?
Strand: I guess not. [He starts to spark.] Oh, no! My
tears! They're causing me to short ou...
[Strand suddenly lights up like a Christmas tree, before
going dark and collapsing to the ground. The hexfield
closes.]
Crow: Nevermind. I guess you could do something that stupid.
Tom: At least we won't have to watch anymore lame superhero
films for a while.
Mike: At least until that Daredevil movie comes out.
[The bots are silent.]
Crow: The what?
Mike: Daredevil movie. I figured you comic fans knew about it.
Oh, it stars Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
[The bots begin to shake uncontrollably.]
Mike: Guys?
[The bots begin screaming. Loudly.]
Mike: Me and my big mouth. Well, whaddya think, Pearl?
[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl and her henchbeings are standing around JKVS The
geeks stand nearby.]
Pearl: So, if I beat those Geeks I get a...
JKVS: It's called a TiVo. You can use it to record live
TV.
Pearl: So, it's a VCR?
JKVS: Er, kinda.
Pearl: Well, I can't turn down a free VCR. Let's do
it. Guys?
[Pearl nods at her henchthings. They nod back and pull out
a pair of baseball bats. They wheel around and begin to
well, beat the geeks.]
JKVS: Pearl, I don't think you quite grasp the rules
of the game.
Pearl: Shut up, Damon.
[Pearl hits the button and the screen condenses with a ...]
\ | /
\ | /
--- * --- PWOOOOSH!
/ | \
/ | \
Bobo: [V.O.] Lawgiver! Help! The TV Geek is hurting me!
TV Geek: [V.O.] I'm going to hit you so haard, you'd want
to be watching "Blossom" instead.
Bobo: [V.O.] Noooo!!!!
=============================================================
Mystery Usenet 3000: "Spider-Man: The Movie"
Alledgedly written by James Cameron
Misting by Matt Blackwell, Daniel Haun, Brendan Herlihy, Bill
Livingston, Eric Scheppers, and Natalie Welch
Spiderman and all related characters are the trademarks and (c) of
Marvel Entertainment, Inc. and Marvel Characters, Inc. All rights
reserved. Even the right to clone Peter Parker.
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" and related characters and
situations are trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. All
rights reserved.
"Beat the Geeks" and related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) Fox Television Network, Mindless
Entertainment and Comedy Partners. All rights reserved.
Applications are now being accepted for the MST3K Geek!
Apply today!
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-
commercial parody, review, and commentary purposes only;
no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by others is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or
situation(s) are or should be implied. All characters in
this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual
people, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Plus, I've met
Peter Parker, and he's really not that nerdy.
Comments and complaints can be sent to mbla...@ix.netcom.com
Need to make an automatic digital recording of your favorite
show without the hassles of videotape or timers? Then buy a
TiVo!
Keep circulating the posts.
---------------------------------------------------------------
> Hopefully this
>will be seen correctly as a metaphor for puberty and its
>awakening of primal drives -- everybody goes through this
>growing awareness that powerful forces are driving them
>beneath their supposedly rational consciousness.
---------------------------------------------------------------
5/2/2002