MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 8/9
a.ca...@genie.com
[Back in the theater.]
>Chapter Thirteen
>
> The Great Conference Battle Strategy Call had just begun.
Mike: MCI stock shot up thirty points within the first fifteen seconds.
>Hailing from the Endeavor were Captain Marrissa Amber Picard, and Fleet
>Admiral Jean-Luc Picard. From the Defiant, Rear-Admiral Benjamin Sisko;
>from the Enterprise, Captain William T. Riker; from the Gorkon, Captain
>Jadzia Dax; from the Stargazer, Captain T'Gwen Washington; from the Nova,
>Captain Geordi LaForge; From the Pasteur, Captain Beverly Picard; from
>the Clinton, Captain Chelsea Crusher; and from the Trinity, Pope Gregory
>the twentieth.
Crow: Hold on... I think I can make out Waldo in there somewhere...
>"Welcome to the Romulan's wedding present for my daughter," Admiral Picard
>said.
Mike: Hey, it beats a blender.
> "Then, someone needs to tell them what is appropriate for a
>wedding present, Admiral," Captain LaForge replied.
Tom [LaForge]: "I was thinking maybe a nice monogrammed silverware set. What
do you think, Worf?"
Crow [Worf]: "Silverware is not honorable!"
> "I really wish some one would," Captain Riker replied. "They
>gave me a battle for my last birthday."
Mike: "And here I had my heart set on that Soloflex!"
> "We can pray that they learn proper etiquette," the Pope
>interjected. "but I'm afraid such prayers would help us little in our
>upcoming battle."
Nine: "After all, everyone knows there's no such thing as God! Er... I
mean... oh, dear..."
> "True, so I asked Starfleet's leading tactical expert to come up
>with a plan," Admiral Picard said. "Marrissa, your plan please?"
Crow: "Well, I think I'll put my flag in the corner, surround it with bombs,
and then keep a few Sevens around in case some Miners break through the
front line!"
> "The odds are 12 Romulan ships verse our seven ships," Marrissa
>began. "Not fair ... for them. Before I begin I need to know some
>things. Captain LaForge, fighter status on your vessel?"
> "All 500 loaded, pilots at alert status," LaForge replied.
Mike: All 500 pilots are loaded?
Nine: Yeah, that sounds about right.
> "Captain Washington?" Marrissa asked.
> "28 at launch readiness, 15 at alert status," Washington reported.
Tom: "And seven kind of drowsy."
> "That should be all," Marrissa said. "The Endeavor, the Defiant,
>the Enterprise, and the Gorkon will be our first wave, which will attempt
>to damage as much and as many warbirds as possible.
Crow: Damage as much warbirds?
>The second wave will be the fighters from the Nova and Stargazer, 45 to 46
>fighters per warbird. Make strafing runs and watch out for return fire and
>other ships and fighters, it's going to be close out there.
Mike: Heh. Reminds me of how back in junior high we only had one indoor
basketball court so on rainy days we'd end up playing like 16-on-23 or
21-on-27.
Crow: Uhh... that's nice.
>The third wave will be the Stargazer, the Clinton, and the Nova, Captain
>LaForge, you may separate your ship at your discretion.
Tom: You mean he can run away if he gets scared?
>The fourth wave will be the first plus the Trinity and the Pasteur.
Crow: "Oh my God! We're being invaded! Quick, send in the Red Cross and
the Roman Catholic Church!"
>The Trinity and Pasteur's goals are to keep them from leaving. The Pasteur
>is also to test that shield design that you've got,
Nine: "If it doesn't work and you get blown up, let me know."
>pick up any fighter pilot who's craft is disabled. During the fourth wave's
>attack any reloading that the fighters need is to be done. From the fifth
>wave, if needed, on the Second, Third, and Fourth waves are to be repeated.
Crow: Yeah, yeah, shampoo, rinse, repeat! We've =got= it, Marrissa!
> "If by chance, the first wing is followed during the switch
Tom: Jimmy Smits.
>over between them and the second wing, the Trinity and Pasteur are to assist
>in clearing them of opposition," Marrissa said.
Crow: "The party of the first part shall be held liable for infractions
against the party of the second part up to and including but not limited
to actions constituting breach of contract as assessed by the party of the
third part..."
>"I doubt the Romulans will follow the second, the third wing will be cleared
>of opposition by the arrival of the fourth and the same their after."
> "Any comments, Captains, Admiral's, and Pope?" Marrissa asked.
Mike: "Uh, yeah. If they come out in a 4-3 formation should we audible to
a stunt reverse, or--"
> Their were none, so Admiral Picard said, "The Endeavor will be
>my flagship. Chain of Command is myself, Admiral Sisko, Captain
>Marrissa Picard, Captain Riker, Captain LaForge, Captain Washington,
>Captain Beverly Picard, Captain Crusher, Captain Dax, and last the Pope."
Crow: "Then the Secretary of State, the Secretary of Defense, the Secretary
of the Treasury, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, all other Supreme
Court Justices, all federal judges, all postal workers, all sanitation
workers, and then Dan Quayle."
> "Ah, my preferred position," the Pope responded.
Tom: What the hell does that mean?
> "Now ladies and gentlemen, we wait for our late wedding guests,"
>Picard said.
> "Truly, I don't know them," the Pope said. "But I think I'll be
>a lot more harsh to these wedding guests then the groom in the parable.
>They were only late, these are trying to force their way in."
Crow: Gregory Part XX: He's Tanned, He's Rested and He's Ready to Kick Some
Romulan Ass!"
> "And this planet doesn't take kindly to people forcing their way
>in," Marrissa, Heir to Essex responded.
Mike: You mean like pushy Starfleet officers?
> "First wave attacks at the number one, Endeavor out," Captain
>Picard said.
> "Dad, do I have permission to give our regards to the Romulans when
>they arrive?" Marrissa asked. "I do hold the position of Commander in Chief
>of the Essex Space Defense Force, as meaningless as the title may be."
Tom: "Meaningless? Why, that entitles you to a free pig every month!"
> "I'd be delighted, Marrissa," Admiral Picard said. "It might
>even convince them to leave, with your reputation."
Nine: So she's one of those girls with a rep!
> "I don't think my reputation as a starship captain is strong enough
>to cause them to go running," Marrissa said. "I'm no James T. Kirk."
Crow: Yeah, Shatner has a better sing-along album.
Nine: You haven't lived till you've heard Marrissa's rendition of "Wind
Beneath My Wings".
> While Marrissa had been discussing battle plans, her command
>crew had quietly arrived and were beginning to take their stations. As
>she noticed Alexander taking his station, she turned around and asked,
>"Ships status?"
Tom [Alexander]: "AHH! Don't =do= that!"
> "All personnel aboard," her first officer and husband, Commander
>Jay Gordon replied.
> "Warp, Impluse, and Thrusters available," her chief engineer and
>cousin, Lieutenant Commander Clara Sutter-Rozhenko responded.
Nine: "Mmm... thrusters... no, after the battle! =After= the battle!"
> "Phasers and Photon Torpedoes on-line and awaiting your order,"
>Lieutenant Shayna Sachs, acting-as-a Chief of Security informed.
Mike: Sounds more like she's acting as a Time-Life operator.
> "Tractor beams, ready; scrabbled tight beam communication
Tom: Hey, that's good for a triple-word score!
>channels arranged with a code change rotation set for every three
>minutes," her Chief of Operations and husband of her Chief Engineer,
>Lieutenant Alexander Rozhenko informed.
Mike: Is there any way we could just get a program or something so Ratliff
doesn't have to keep repeating everyone's title and family relationship?
> "Helm ready for orders," Ensign Patterson Supra informed.
Tom: Really? I thought you needed to spend more time in the novitiate!
> "Shayna, scan for signs of incoming Romulan vessels," Marrissa said.
Crow [Shayna]: "Sure, okay-- oh my God! Marrissa! The Romulan vessels are
coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE!"
>"Link up with the Essex Detection Network."
> "Detection Network?" Admiral Picard asked.
Tom [Marrissa]: "Yeah, Viacom's got it sharing space with the Golf Channel
now."
> "I told the Prime Minister that one would be advisable when they
>started to produce fighters," Marrissa replied. "Essex is of more
>strategic importance than we let on."
Mike: That must be why the Danes invaded in 991.
> "EDN has detected signs of Romulan Warbirds hiding at 0 mark 0
>distance 200 kilometers," Shayna informed. "A dozen such are defined."
Crow: "--mostly as adverbs."
> "Alexander, hail the Romulans for me," Marrissa said. "Shayna,
>turn up the lights so we can see them if you will."
Tom: Marrissa's just dumb enough to think that if they can't see her, she
can't see them.
> "A dozen full yield torpedoes ready at your command," Shayna replied.
> "Full yield?" Admiral Picard inquired.
> "I don't do half measures," Captain Marrissa Picard said.
Mike [Picard]: "But-- =full yield= torpedoes? Those'll destroy everything
in this sector! Including us!"
Crow [Marrissa]: "Shut up, old man! There's no room for wusses in my army!"
>"They will either answer my hail, decloak to prevent their destruction, or
>be blown to pieces.
Nine: "Of course they'll be blown to pieces in any case, but we have to keep
up appearances!"
>In any cause, sneaking up on someone is not nice. Of course that doesn't
>prevent me from using such tactics, but they will regret trying to do them
>on me."
Crow: Jesus! She makes Stalin look like a chapter director for Amnesty
International!
> "A dozen warbirds decloaking," Shayna informed.
> "The leading warbird is hailing us," Alexander said.
> "On Screen," Marrissa replied. Admiral Tistek appeared on the
>bridge of his flagship, standing proudly.
Mike: "Look, no hands!"
>"This is Captain Marrissa Amber Picard of the Federation Starship Endeavor,
>as head of the Essex Defense force, heir to this planet, and as a
>representative of Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, I must ask you what
>you are doing with a dozen heavy armed warbirds inside the Angelica System.
Crow: Uhh... the backstroke?
Mike: Ba-dum-bum.
Crow: Thank you, I'll be here all night.
>If you've come for my wedding, your a little late."
> "We did not come for some mythical wedding," Admiral Tistek
>said. "We came to destroy you."
Tom: Wait a minute! I thought the reason he didn't believe in the wedding
was because he thought she was dead! If he knows she isn't dead, why does
he still doubt the wedding?
> "I'd advise against that," Marrissa replied. "I am offering you
>one chance to withdraw."
Mike [bored]: "Stop. *bang bang* Stop or I'll shoot. *bang bang bang* I'm
warning you."
> "We choose to destroy you," the Admiral replied, defiantly.
> "Sorry, not an option, Endeavor out," Marrissa replied.
Nine: "Y'know, normally I'd spend more than fifteen seconds attempting to
find a peaceful solution, but I haven't killed anyone in almost three whole
weeks!"
>"Alex, send first wave. Patterson, coarse 0 mark 2 full impluse, evasive
>pattern rotation four, Mozart Symphonies.
Mike: "Uh... things a captain would say in a bad piece of fanfic!
Meaningless pseudo-military technobabble! Pass!"
>Shayna target warbirds as we go by. Clara, I want as much power as possible
>deverted to phasers."
Crow: "Life support? Who needs life support? I want those Romulans crispy-
fried!"
> "Aye, Captain," Clara, Alexander and Patterson replied in unison.
Tom: Commanding a ship is so much easier when your crew is comprised entirely
of pods!
>
> The Endeavor lead the Defiant, the Enterprise, and the Gorkon
>toward the Romulan formation. The Endeavor ran right down the center,
Crow: --and took it to the hoop for two!
>firing at each as it past over the top of the vessels. Although all of
>the Romulan vessels were of the same class not all of them were in the
>same condition.
Mike: All Romulans are equal, but some Romulans are more equal than others.
>The second warbird they passed blew up in a blaze of glory
Nine: Ah, glorious carnage.
>as the Endeavor fired down it's length. Turning slightly to the left she
>began strafing two more as the other starships reached the Romulans.
Tom [singing]: o/~ Ten twenty thirty forty fifty or more, the bloody Red
Baron was rollin' up the score... o/~
> The Enterprise went down the left flank of the Romulan formation
>firing on each in turn. The Defiant did the same to the right flank,
>destroying the first vessel to the right of the point man. The Gorkon
>ran do the middle, hitting the vessel at point and strafing the two
>vessels that the Endeavor had turned from in favor of those to the port.
Crow: I'm betting that when Marrissa watched the Odessa Steps sequence of
BATTLESHIP POTEMKIN she rooted for the Cossacks.
>
> "Turn us around Patterson," Marrissa ordered. "Take us up the
>right flank of the formation."
Nine: "I think I might have missed a few women and children!"
> "Alexander, have the second wave begin their run," Admiral
>Picard ordered.
>
> The Endeavor arched around behind the Romulan forces, then
>began speeding back along the Romulan line. She fired shot after shot
>at the warbirds as she passed. Torpedo after torpedo impacted the
>Romulan shields.
Crow: Special fight choreography courtesy of Demetrius Pietz!
>No ship escaped unharmed from the power of the Starfleet vessels. Meanwhile
>the Romulan disrupter fire danced off the full shields of the Nebula II
>class starship.
Mike: I think it's a pretty safe bet Marrissa has her Nintendo set on
permanent "god mode."
> As the Endeavor moved along the right side of the Romulan front,
>the Gorkon did the same on the left and the Defiant and the Enterprise
>went up though the middle. As they cleared the Romulans they were
>greeted by the incoming fighters.
Crow: "Hi! Welcome to Essex! Can I get your coat?"
>As the first wave retreated to a safe distance, the fighters began to do
>their job.
Tom: Good. The last thing this country needs is more fighters on welfare.
>Chapter Fourteen
>
> On the bridge of the Romulan flagship, things were not going well.
Crow: It was like a Washington Generals' locker room.
>"Status of fleet," Admiral Tistek asked.
> "The Bloodfire and the Distructor have been destroyed," an aid
>replied. "The Relentless has suffered complete shield failure. Most
>ships report that shields are down to half."
Tom: Ooh, the suspense. Ratliff probably thinks DIE HARD would've been a lot
more exciting if Alan Rickman had been killed off in the first reel.
> "Move the Relentless to the rear," Admiral Tistek ordered.
>"Form up for a counter attack."
> "Small craft incoming," the Romulan tactical officer said.
Mike: "Small craft"... yeah, that's a pretty accurate summary of Ratliff's
writing skills.
>"Five hundred fifty of them."
> "Five hundred fifty shuttles, where do they get five hundred
>fifty shuttles," Tistek muttered.
Crow: Umm... Price Club?
>"Oh well, their just cannon fodder. Take out the shuttles at your leisure."
>
> Meanwhile, Admiral Picard was receiving reports as to his fleets
>status.
Tom: Copycat! I suppose if Tistek jumped off a bridge you would too?
> "The Enterprise reports shields at 70 percent, but they think
>they'll be up to 100
Crow: Yeah, that's what you said about soybeans! I lost 50 G's on that tip!
>before they're sent in again," Alexander informed. "The Gorkon's shields
>are at 50 percent with the same comment. The Defiant reports shields at 90
>percent."
> "Clara, status of Endeavor?" Marrissa asked.
Mike [Clara]: "Hmm? Oh, we've got a major hull breach. I figure about five
seconds before we're sucked into the screaming void of space."
> "Shields at 80 percent, but we've developed a small drop in
>shield efficiency in the aft portside area," Clara replied.
Tom: This story's giving me a pain in my aft portside area.
>"Request permission to go and personally track it down."
> "Granted," Marrissa replied.
Mike: Filling in for Slim Pickens tonight is Clarissa Ann Sutter-Rozhenko!
>
> Meanwhile the fighters were having some fun with the Romulan
>warbirds.
Crow: "Whee! Wholesale slaughter is fun!"
>They dodged right, left, up, and down, avoiding Romulan disrupter fire. So
>far only two ships had been hit and it looked like the fighters would soon
>even up the score. Seven wings of seven fighters bore down on one Romulan
>warbird.
Tom: "As I was going to St. Ives I met a fleet with seven wings, and every
wing had seven fighters..."
>The Phaser fire was intense. The shields of the warbird flared, then
>collapsed, enabling a wing to run a quick pass along the
Crow: --far sideline for a touchdown! Gotta love the run-and-shoot!
>Romulan warp engines. As they retreated to a safer distance, another
>warbird was pushed closer to the doomed Romulan. The doomed ship exploded.
>The pieces hit the other Romulan. As the fighters retreated a little more
>the second Romulan exploded.
Tom: Doh!
Mike: Wow. I've never actually seen anyone pick up a seven-ten split before!
> Then the fighters began retreating to their rendezvous point.
>The third wave was on it's way. The Nova, the first of it's class and
>the Stargazer, the first Federation fighter carrier in 90 years were not
>ships to laugh about.
Nine: Don't worry, Stephen. We're all too busy laughing about your sentence
structure.
>The Nova was top of the line with four torpedo bays and 26 phaser arrays
>when docked. Its saucer warp engines glowed with contained power, power
>which it was about to release on the Romulans.
Crow: Whoa! Save it for the honeymoon scene!
>The Stargazer was nothing to laugh about either.
Mike: Ratliff suddenly seems awfully paranoid about his ships being laughed
about.
Tom: Let's all spend about three seconds psychoanalyzing that one, shall we?
>Its three warp cores gave it power to spare and it was by no means
>defenseless
Nine: Ratliff, on the other hand, is by all means defensive...
>with it's 13 phaser arrays when it's fighters were away.
> The Nova, the Clinton, and Stargazer closed on the scattered Romulan
>forces, firing at warbird after warbird. Soon the Nova began to make
>Romulan ships into it's namesake, as first one, then two, and finally three
>ships died under the phaser fire of the largest ship in Starfleet.
Crow: Not to mention the wackiest!
>The Stargazer didn't destroy any warbirds, but it made sure that soon it's
>Captain would only be gazing upon the stars instead of the Romulan menace.
>The Clinton also failed to take any warbirds out, but Captain Crusher
>managed to knock out the sheilds on several before being ordered to withdraw.
Mike: However, the crews of both ships received a number of fabulous parting
gifts.
Tom: "A food processor! I've always wanted one of these! And what's this?
The ROYAL WEDDING Home Game! Fan-tastic!"
>
> "Ready for fourth wave," Admiral Picard ordered.
> "Alex, I want finger
Crow: Oh, I'll give you the finger, all right!
>threes, " Marrissa said. "Defiant, Gorkon, Pasteur, push them towards
>Endeavor, Enterprise, and Trinity."
> "All ships acknowledge," Alexander replied.
Mike: A couple years from now when they bring him up on war crimes charges
I'm sure he'll say he was just following orders.
>
> The Nova and Stargazer retreated toward their fighters, to pick
>them up
Tom: "Hey, baby, live around here much?"
>and ready them for reloading, the Clinton guarding their backs.
Nine: Funny, I've always found Clinton to be mainly concerned with guarding
his own back.
>The Romulans attempted to follow, but found the Defiant, the Gorkon and the
>Pasteur in their way. The three fully charged Starfleet vessels forced the
>five remaining Romulan warbirds into retreat, toward the Endeavor, the
>Enterprise and the Trinity. The Pasteur fired a hard volley at one Romulan,
>to distract it while it recovered a damaged fighter pilot. The blast caused
>the Romulan to go nova, like it's comrades before it.
Crow: Distracted, dead, same basic idea.
Mike: I've found that corpses don't really have lengthy attention spans.
> Then the Romulans ran into the waiting threesome.
Nine: Kinky.
Crow: Hey, I think I rented this! Next the gardener wanders in and the fun
=really= starts!
>The Enterprise, and the Trinity both destroyed a warbird. The remaining
>Romulan took off, like a bat out of hell.
Mike: How does Ratliff come up with these fresh, innovative metaphors?
>The Gorkon shot after. The experience of the 338 year-old Trill was too
>much for the warbird and the Romulan was quickly shot down.
Tom: I'd attribute it less to experience and more to the lack of compunction
to cravenly shoot someone in the back.
>
> After the last Romulan was finished off, Fleet Admiral Picard
>said, "I believe we have a Wedding Ball to attend, although after this
>battle it might as well be called a Victory Ball."
Crow: I'll make sure to order a case of Victory Gin.
> "I believe so, but that does mean I'll have to get into an
>elaborate dress again," Marrissa replied. "I wish I could wear the
>dress uniform like the guys get too."
Nine: Thanks for sharing, Elly May.
> "Personally Marrissa, I think your lucky," Jay responded.
Crow [Jay]: "You get to drape yourself in those soft, feminine fabrics... oh,
the feel of angora against your skin... so supple, so... exciting..."
>"You don't have to put up with this ridiculous collar."
Tom [Marrissa]: "Oh, you'll get used to it soon enough. Now where did I put
my cuffs...?"
>
> Down on the planet, Queen Victoria had just been notified of the
>victory against
Mike: --Eurasia? Eastasia?
>the Romulans. The non-Starfleet guests had returned to the Palace and the
>crowds had filled the square below the Royal balcony.
Crow: Marrissa then had them loaded into trains and driven into the sea.
>The Queen stepped out on to the balcony and surveyed the crowd below.
Nine: "Wh-- these are peasants! Filthy, disgusting peasants! Where's my
handpicked cast of professional extras?"
>It was a subdued crowd,
Crow: Ah, Clippers fans.
>worried about the battle that had gone on above their heads, worried about
>their Princesses and their new husbands, worried about their own heads.
Mike: Every single one of them was preoccupied with the question of whether
to switch to a dandruff shampoo.
> The Queen moved forward to speak, "My loyal subjects, I bring
>you good news.
Tom: "The chocolate ration has been raised from thirty grams to twenty!"
>Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, father of our beloved heir, has informed me
>of the results of the battle against the Romulans. All the Romulans are
>dead, with only minor losses." The crowd began to cheer.
Mike: "Hurray! We're responsible for genocide!"
Nine: "And as for our sons and daughters who gave up their lives just so
Marrissa could satisfy her unquenchable bloodlust -- well, they had to go
sometime! Hurray!"
>"The Princesses and their husbands will be returning to Essex for their ball
>before going off on their honeymoon."
Crow: I thought they were supposed to wait until =during= the honeymoon for
that...
> Moments later, Princess Marrissa, and her husband Jay, and Princess
>Clarrissa and her husband Alexander matterialized on the balcony. The crowd
>cheered for thier defenders, thier well loved Princesses.
Nine: Oh, we'll see about that soon enough.
Crow [Jay]: "Hey, I'm under enough pressure here!"
>They cheered for the people who had given Essex a reason to be proud.
Mike: They're almost as proud of Marrissa and company as they are of their
concentration camp directors.
Tom: They're cheering now, but I wouldn't want to be around for the Two
Minutes Hate.
>They cheered for the Captain, the Heir to the throne on Essex, whose deeds
>made them proud to be citizens of a planet which boasted such a brave
>Princess.
Tom: "Brave"? Crushing a vastly outclassed force is "brave"? Conspiring
with the top dozen officers in Starfleet to wipe out one deluded crackpot
is "brave"? Firing on and destroying fleeing ships full of relative
innocents is "brave"?
Nine: Well, you have to understand. Desert Storm is the only war Ratliff
has ever known. He's been brought up to believe carpet bombing is heroic.
>They cheered for Captain Princess Marrissa Amber Picard,
Mike: "Marrissa"? I don't believe I'm familiar with that character. Who's
she?
>hier to the throne of Essex, Princess of Halifax, Duchess of Londondairy,
>the much decorated captain of the Starship Endeavour.
Mike: Oh, okay. Thanks.
[Commercials]
[Concluded in Part 9]