MiST on the Ghost Planet: "Darkwing Duck meets the BACKSTREET BOYS" (2/4)
Jen White6
Zorak: Defying the Prohibition.
> as soon as
> all the key heroes are in place. A lowly home shopping clerk lashes out
> in frustration at his boss and is immediately fired.
Tansit: [muttering] I know how he feels.
Ghost: What's *that* supposed to mean?
Tansit: Nothing! It doesn't mean anything!
> Having been pushed over the edge, the little home shopping clerk
Zorak: Plummets into the bay, and the sharks have their dinner.
> pulls on a pair of extremely tight leather pants,
Ghost: Whoa! Where did THAT come from?!
> ties a handkerchief
> around his head, and calls himself...
Tansit: Tonto!
> "Michael Nelson, LORD OF THE PANTS!!"
[All three collapse in helpless laughter.]
> the little half-naked man
> laughs a classic maniacal bad-guy laugh.
[All three continue laughing, the camera alternating between them to
emphasize their distinctive laughs.]
> "I'll show them, I'll show them
> all!
Ghost: [through his laughter] No! Keep those pants on, son!
> I'll assemble an evil dance troupe bent on the destruction of the
> city, while realizing my secret dream to be... a dancer!" and more
> maniacal laughter follows.
>
[All three continue laughing. Maniacally, even.]
> "As Darkwing Duck surveys the slumbering city, he's overwhelmed by
> a sense of...ack!"
[All three begin to calm down.]
Tansit: A sense that he's been possessed by Bill the Cat?
> Darkwing yanked the the flyer from his bill.
Ghost: [Darkwing] Darned litterb- hey, hoagies are two-for-one at the
Eat 'n Bloat this week!
> "That's
> the second time tonight that this litter has interrupted my narrative,
> LP," he complained to his sidekick.
Tansit: It probably wouldn't happen so much if he didn't have a bill like
a diving board.
> "Yeah, and the wind isn't helping much either," Launchpad watched
> as a gust of wind blew a small cloud of flyers down an empty alley.
> "Somebody should do something about this."
Zorak: Littering's a crime, Duckman. Get to it!
Ghost: Superheroes have better things to do than run around picking up
litterbugs!
Zorak: Like what? Reading crappy stories?
> Darkwing read the flyer, even
> though he had read ten others exactly like it.
>
Tansit: "It's never too late to turn to God." Yep, I always get a
handful of those whenever I take the train.
> ARE YOU:
Zorak: NOW, OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN:
> CREATIVE,
Ghost: Check.
> SOCIALLY CHALLENGED,
Ghost: [Looking at Zorak] Check.
> FAIRLY COORDINATED,
Ghost: [Lookig at Tansit] Uh- pass.
> AND ANGRY AT A CALLOUS WORLD
Zorak: CHECK!
> WHICH HAS SHUT ITS EARS TO
> THE PLAINTIVE CRY OF YOUR
> WITHERING TALENT?
>
Zorak If so, you might be Courtney Love!
> THEN CONTACT:
> THE LORD OF THE PANTS
Zorak: 18 OR OVER ONLY.
> FOR A BRIGHT FUTURE AND A CREATIVE USE
> OF THE ART OF DANCE!
>
Tansit: Watch out. Their instructor is Comet Guy.
> A phone number was provided along with an address.
Ghost: Was it in ALL CAPS too?
> Darkwing
> crumpled the paper up and threw it into the Hamburger Hippo bag that
> Launchpad was using as a garbage bag.
Ghost: [Darkwing] Clues? Who needs 'em!
> "It sure is dead tonight," Launchpad pointed out.
Tansit: So what? If that piece of paper was *alive*, I'd be worrying.
> Darkwing yawned.
> Where would this story be without Launchpad to point out these things, he
> thought.
Ghost: Danger! Danger! Fourth wall is taking damage!
> His eye caught a movement across a rooftop below him.
Ghost: [Darkwing] Aah! A bug! Squish it!
Zorak: Vertebrate supremacist.
> A slim
> figure darted into his sight and then disappeared. Darkwing was sure
> that the figure was wearing a cape.
Tansit: [Darkwing] Oh, great, Gosalyn's doing her Quiverwing Quack thing
again. I give her five minutes before she either upstages me or gets taken
hostage.
> "What? Another supermuscled fathead capeboy trying to horn in on
> my turf?!" Darkwing raged.
[Zorak and Tansit begin laughing loudly. Annoyed, Space Ghost looks back
and forth between the two, then finally blasts Zorak.
> He ran through the open window
Tansit: Darkwing! No! It's not worth it! You'll find another city to
defend!
> he normally
> used to get to his favorite nighttime perch,
Zorak: Which was three inches into the asphalt of the street below,
looks like.
> leaped down several flights
> of stairs.
Ghost: Oh, NOW you tell us there's a fire exit there!
> Minutes later, the gasping and sweating crimefighter reached
> the rooftop
Tansit: He went DOWN to get to the rooftop? Huh?
Zorak: It's just a cartoon, for cryin' out loud.
> where he had seen the move-
All: SAY IT!
> ment.
> "Hey, it's Darkwing Duck!" Brian pointed at the exhausted
> crimefighter from the shadows.
Tansit: [Darkwing] Darn autograph hounds. Ah well, they *are* my
public.
> Darkwing turned toward the source of the
> voice.
Zorak: [Darkwing] You found out my secret. Now you must die.
> "That's right, I am the terror *pant* that flaps *gasp* in the
> night, I am the sole guardian of this *pant* city!
Ghost: To fight the evil Lord of the Pants, we have the Guardian of the
*pant*s!
> I am DARKWIIIING
> DUCK! And you have two seconds to show yourself," Darkwing struck the
> classic quack-fu striking gopher pose, "or you'll find out just how I got
> the name 'the terror that flaps in the night'!"
[All three look at each other.]
Ghost: Maybe his patter gets better.
Tansit: It doesn't.
> "Didn't you think up the name yourself?" Launchpad asked as he
> climbed over the edge of the roof.
[Zorak makes a long "falling" whistle, then a "splat" sound.]
> Darkwing ignored his sidekick and
> waited for the new guy to reveal himself.
[Tansit imitates a drumroll]
> "Wow! Darkwing Duck here on this rooftop, and talking to us,"
Ghost: You'd think he'd be eating bread crumbs in the bay.
> Nick
> excitedly leaped out of the shadows towards Darkwing with an autograph
> book open.
Tansit: [Nick] I KNEW if we stayed up here long enough we'd see
something!
Zorak: Or fall to your deaths. [Negaduck] Either way, it'll be a
blast.
> He was dressed in a pair of huge, armor-plated pants and a
> tee-shirt with a random cartoon character on it. His simple, batman-like
> mask completed his strange outfit.
Zorak: And he *still* looks like less of a loser than Commander Andy.
> His companions followed him, dressed similarly in baggy
> armor-plated pants.
Ghost: What IS it with this story and pants?
Zorak: Ever try wearin' 'em yourself?
Ghost: No. Why?
Zorak: Maybe you oughtta start. Spandex leaves nothing to the
imagination, and, uuuugh.
> "Who are you yahoos?" Darkwing asked pointedly. The young men spun
> around in unison and stopped in a complicated group pose.
Tansit: They're from Cirque du Soleil?
> "WE'RE..."hop, spin, freeze, "THE BACKSTREET BOYS," they said.
Zorak: Well, hi. Meet snap, crackle, pop, "THE CEREAL ELVES".
> "Could you guys do that again, but this time, substitute
> 'Backstreet Boys' with 'Sailor Scouts'?"
Zorak: FANBOY!
Tansit: That wasn't me, it was the story! See the little pointy things
on the left?
> "Uh, Sailor...Scouts?" They exchanged questioning looks and
> shrugged. Launchpad looked about to faint, his eyes glazed over.
Ghost: [Launchpad] Must... stay... awake...
> "Oh great, not just one supermuscled fathead capeboy, but a whole
> flock of supermuscled fathead capeboys trying to muscle in on my turf.
Zorak: Space Ghost write this story. Now he defeat Commander Andy on
Jupiter.
> Stop drooling Launchpad."
Zorak: Oh, yeah. This is just what we need. Disney/Backstreet Boys
slash. This is EVIL!
Ghost: Slash?
Tansit: It is not! You've got a dirty mind, Zorak!
Zorak: No, just an evil one. BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
> "Can I have your autographs?" Launchpad asked earnestly.
Ghost: Is there anyone in this scene who ISN'T a fan of someone else in
this scene?
Zorak: Darkwing Duck.
Tansit: No, he's a fan of himself.
> "Why do you even bother wearing masks if your superhero group name
> is the same as your everyday group name?" The young men were shocked for
> a moment by Darkwing's statements.
Tansit: [random Backstreet Boy] This isn't Darkwing Duck! It's Captain
State-The-Obvious!
> "Hey," A.J. said in a cheesy superhero voice, "You can't possibly
> mean that we bear any resemblance to that distinguished singing group of
> sexy and talented young men. We're not them."
Zorak: [A.J.] How DARE you say we're anything like those jerks!
> "Is that so," Darkwing asked sarcastically. "If that's the game
> we're going to have to play, fine. Do you even have any superpowers,
Ghost: and are you getting enough oxygen? [pause] Sorry, force of
habit.
> because you don't look particularly dangerous or terrifying?"
Tansit: [Darkwing] Uh, you don't, do you?
> "Uh," Kevin said.
> "Well..." Brian grasped for words.
> "We're, uh, um," Nick mumbled.
Zorak: This shows that they can't be the singing Backstreet Boys.
They're too good!
> "We're..." A.J. paused, and brightened, "We're supersingers?"
Ghost: [A.J.] Are we, guys? Huddle!
> "Like you got superpowers," Howie accused Darkwing.
Tansit: [Valley Girl accent] Like, I am so sure!
> "IIII am not the issue here.
Zorak: Ai-yi-yi-yi.
> If you must know, Darkwing Duck has
> trained with the quack-fu masters of hong-kong! What can YOU do?"
> "Check it out!"
Zorak: Super Bagboys. I'm scared.
> They began to break dance in unison.
Zorak: Jump off the building. You'll break real nice when you hit the
sidewalk.
> "Wow," Launchpad said while tapping his toes to the music that
> blared from nowhere.
Tansit: This little piggy went to market...
> "And just how is the power of synchronization supposed to help
> battle the scum of the underworld?" The young would-be superheroes
> ignored him and continued to leap around.
Zorak: Hey, Backteeth Boys, Calaveras County was cut from the tour,
remember?
> "How is this supposed to keep
> you from being killed?!"
Tansit: A moving target is harder to hit?
> The young men froze at the thought of being
> destroyed.
Zorak: BLAM! Thanks for standing still.
> "Is this how you would defend yourself against gangsters with
> guns?" he asked. None of the young men answered. "What about ninjas? Or
> eggmen? What about space aliens?!"
Tansit: [Darkwing] What about hideous beakless mutants?!
> The young men looked everywhere but
> at him.
Ghost: [random Backstreet Boy] Hey, look, my wallet fell behind the car
seat again.
Zorak: [random Backstreet Boy] I KNOW I left my tuna sandwich
somewhere. Maybe it's in the bathroom...
Tansit: [random Backstreet Boy] There's gotta be a duck around here
somewhere, I *know* it.
> He was about to make the final finishing statement to end their
> aspirations of becoming superheroes when another flier hit him in the
> face.
Ghost: BIIIIIRDMAAAAAAN!
> The Launchpad and the Backstreet Boys looked around and saw a
> large cloud of discarded fliers being blown towards them.
Ghost: [Darkwing] Fortunately, my feathers protect me from the imminent
danger of death by paper cut.
> "Duck!" Kevin yelled
Tansit: [Darkwing] WHAT?
> before diving to the ground in unison with the
> rest of the group.
Ghost: Then, realizing what naturals they were, they formed a swim team.
> Launchpad and the rest of the Backstreet Boys did the
> same. Darkwing peeled the flier from his face.
Ghost: [Darkwing] Hey, The Hat Matter is having a sale! Half price
with this coupon!
> "What-" was all Darkwing managed to get out before being plastered
> with a wave of multicolored fliers. A small whirlwind formed around him
> and died down suddenly, depositing a mountain of fliers on him.
Tansit: And then a house landed on him.
> "Somebody should really do something about this," Nick said as he
> began to dig through the mountain.
All: [singing] Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go.
> "Yeah, somebody like-" Howie began.
> "The BACKSTREET BOYS!" the others finished.
Ghost: Maybe they should try for another name. They sound like someone
I'd arrest for violating curfew.
> "Now hold on a minute!" Darkwing burst from the mountain of fliers.
[Tansit hums part of "Night on Bald Mountain".]
> "I'M the superhero in this town! If anyone is going to investigate a
> mysterious mountain of mayhem-enabling trash, it's going to be Darkwing
> Duck," he stated emphatically.
Ghost: Yeah. That's an honor *I'd* certainly fight for.
> "Not a bunch of green,
> wet-behind-the-ears wanna-bes who's only gimmick is this," he hopped
> around, looking foolish. "It's gonna be me, me, ME!"
Tansit: He's getting good at those scales. Now let's see if he's been
practicing the arpeggios.
> The young men looked shocked. Nick was on the verge of tears.
Zorak: Someone push him over.
Ghost: Zorak, that's just petty, making a self-proclaimed hero cry.
Zorak: I meant over the side of the building.
> "Now look what you did, you punk!" Howie put a comforting arm
> around Nick. "You're Nick's HERO, man."
Zorak: The first one to even *think* of imitating Bette Midler gets a
swift kick.
> "You all right Nick?" Brian asked. Nick nodded as he struggled to
> keep from sobbing.
Ghost: Oh, for - show some dignity, man!
> "Even we know that you can't treat your fans like this," A.J. spat.
Zorak: Why not? I do.
> "Really," Darkwing asked, "a fan?" Darkwing was surprised to find
> that he actually felt guilty for hurting one of his own fans.
Zorak: Eh, you get used to it.
> He looked
> away from the struggling young man and shuffled his feet. "Could it be
> that my P.R. skills are seriously flawed?"
> Investigating a littering case, he thought, that's not too
> dangerous.
Ghost: This looks like a job for Short Attention Span Man!
> "Look, why don't I give you a few pointers," Darkwing sighed.
Zorak: Try under the fingernails. That's always fun to watch.
> "Let's go and investigate this phenomena together." Launchpad handed
> Nick a handkerchief. Nick looked relieved and justified.
Ghost: Right, left, or full justified?
Zorak: Wah-wah-wah-waaaahhhh...
Tansit: Wow. Even *I* know that was lame.
> "All right! Let's go kick some litterbug booty!"
Zorak: *There's* a sound bite that'll be on all the web pages tomorrow.
> Brian ran off
> toward the direction the cloud came from. The rest of the Backstreet
> Boys followed him, with Nick in the rear.
Tansit: [Nick, whining] C'mon, guys, wait up!
> He was looking at Darkwing in
> worship.
Ghost: Thou shalt not idolize false ducks.
> "We should remind ourselves who's in charge here first," Darkwing
> called after them as he trotted after them. Launchpad stared after the
> group as he struggled to find the words to describe what he was feeling.
Ghost: [Launchpad] It's smooth, and cool, and bigger than a breadbox...
> "Wow, the Backstreet Boys..."
>
Tansit: [Launchpad] Are hideous beakless mutants. I never noticed
before.
so sez Jen "Call me MiSTer!" White.
