MiSTED - Out of the Woods (4/7)
Bill Livingston
---------------------------------------------------
[SOL - Crow is in pieces on the console. Tom is looking in a book
titled "Gray's Robot Anatomy"]
SERVO: Crow, I just don't feel right about this.
CROW: Ah, c'mon Tom, it's for science.
SERVO: Yeah, but we're tampering in God's domain here.
CROW: It could be worth big bucks someday.
SERVO: Oh, well, in that case...[Mike enters]
MIKE: Crow! What in the...
CROW: Oh, hey Mike!
MIKE: What are you two doing?
SERVO: It's *science*, man!
CROW: Yeah! See, we noticed that most of the people in today's posting
have body parts that move independently of each other, and, well...
SERVO: We figured there may be money in this.
MIKE: So?!?
CROW: So we're practicing! Watch this: [Crows detached arms flop] My arms
are flailing. [His eyes extend from his head casing] My eyes bulge. [The
hands detach from his flailing arms and start to crawl up his head] Now
I'm putting my hand on my head.
MIKE: Crow...first of all, these people are all in piece. The sentence
structure just makes it *sound* like they're independently segmented.
SERVO: Oh.
CROW: Are you sure about that?
MIKE: Very.
SERVO: Boy, is *my* face red.
MIKE: Actually, it is.
CROW: Yeah, but, but, even so, this is a big breakthrough, right?
MIKE: Well...to tell you the truth, Crow, it's really kind of...of...
SERVO: Dorky.
MIKE: Yeah.
CROW: Oh yeah? Well maybe this will change your minds! I'm going to
[dramatic pause] THROW UP MY HANDS!!
MIKE & SERVO: NO-O-O-O-O!!!! [Lights flash]
ALL: TOO LATE!! WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!!!
(6) [5] {4} |3| <2> O
[Mike & Bots enter the theater]
MIKE: Is that everything?
CROW: I think my feet are on the wrong legs
>
>[Watmok Mercy Hospital, 9:22 PM]
SERVO: Now all this has happened in a little under 6 hours, right?
CROW: Yeah, but don't forget that post time and real world time bear
only the very slightest resemblance to each other.
> Watmok was a bustling mining town, large enough to have
>a decent-sized hospital with all the amenities.
SERVO: Hey, lookee, maw: indoor privies!
> Cooper was resting comfortably in room 117. Mulder was
>just returning from his quest
CROW: He's already rescued the princess and recovered the jewels?
MIKE: Just call him Johnny Quest!
> to find three cups of good
>strong black coffee when Scully intercepted him just outside
>the door.
SERVO: Scully intercepts and takes it back to the 40, the 30, the 20...
> "Hey! Watch it, Scully, this stuff is liable to eat
>right through the floor."
MIKE: [Colombian accent] Hydrochloric acid, fresh from Juan Valdez.
> "Mulder, I need to talk to you."
CROW: It turned blue.
> Mulder saw the familiar wrinkles of worry on Dana's
>forehead. "What's going on?"
CROW: I got worried and now my forehead's all wrinkly!
> "I've been wanting to check up on something, Mulder.
>There's a Dr. Drew being treated here. He worked at Raven
>Hill and was attacked by Cooper just a few days ago."
> "Attacked? A few days ago? How come I didn't..."
MIKE: Well, because you weren't there. You can attack him now,
if you like
> Scully twined her fingers, "Cooper had mentioned it,
>Mulder. And so did Dr. Leighton.
CROW: And it was on alt.hospital.gossip
> I didn't want you to have
>a biased assessment of Cooper by drawing your attention to
>the incident."
MIKE: Well, it's certainly good that you didn't bias my assessment
by pointing out this homicidally insane attack on...HEY!
> Mulder knew very well that what Scully didn't say was
>that Mulder was perhaps too close to the subject, too
>distracted, to have noticed. That bothered him. "So you're
>thinking that Bob transferred to this doctor during the attack?"
CROW: This was the plot of last week's "Voyager"
MIKE: Yeah, and on "Deep Space Nine" before that, and "Next
Generation" before that, and on the original series before that.
SERVO: "Star Trek": the big green recycling machine!
> "Ye-es.
SERVO: This must be an emphatic yes.
MIKE: Or she's doing her Frank Nelson impersonation.
> It's a possibility. Providing your theories
>about Bob are correct."
CROW: He's a palindrome
SERVO: A man a plan a canal - Bob
> "I'm glad you're going along with me on this one, Scully.
MIKE: 'Cuz I'm ascared!
>I can feel it; whatever he is, he's close."
> A night nurse passed by them
SERVO & CROW: HELLO-O-O-O-O-O-O NURSE!!
> and entered the room,
>prompting the two agents to follow.
CROW: Walk this way, please.
SERVO: If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need Bob!
> Cooper had fallen
>asleep.
MIKE: He's in the arms of Morpheus.
CROW: He was the villain in "X-Men" 338!
> Mulder placed Cooper's cup of coffee on his tray
>and asked Scully, "What's Drew's condition?"
SERVO: Oh, he’s soft & manageable!
> "Dr. Leighton told me that Dr. Drew was in a coma.
CROW: Dr Howard, Dr Fine, Dr Howard
>I've asked the staff for his files. Mulder, if Bob was in a
>comatose body, could he still somehow control his actions?"
SERVO: Um...
CROW: The Comatose Killer?
MIKE: Maybe assault with a deadly feeding tube
> "I'm not sure. Maybe.
SERVO: Mike, are real FBI agents this thick?
MIKE: Well, they can't all be Elliot Ness
SERVO: These guys aren't even Elliot Gould
> It would be lucky to have Bob
>trapped in a comatose body, now wouldn't it? Check up on it.
CROW: Yeah, go to all the comatose people in here and whisper
"Bob?" in their ear
>I'm going to make some phone calls. "
SERVO: [breathy] Hi, wanna talk to *real* FBI agents about actual
cases? Call us now - we’re waiting!
MIKE: Y’know, you do that almost *too* well.
> Scully looked at
>Mulder inquiringly.
CROW: [as Scully] You aren't going to charge it to the agency
again, are you?
> "I'm going to call Albert Rosenfield,"
>he answered.
SERVO: Not THE Albert Rosenfield
CROW: And the Cosby Kids.
> "You're calling Albert Rosenfield?"
MIKE: Yes, THE Albert Rosenfield.
CROW: And the Cosby Kids.
> Mulder smiled. "Do I detect a hint of professional
>jealousy, Dr. Scully?"
SERVO: Jealous, why would you think I'm *SOB* jealous?
> She glared back at him. "Hardly Mulder, I know he
>worked on the Palmer case.
CROW: Oh is this actually someone else from "Twin Peaks"?
MIKE: It's about time.
CROW: Yeah, I was startin' to think that this was just "X-Files"
guest-starring Kyle Maclachlan.
> I'm just wondering how you're
>going to pull off these minor miracles with the Bureau."
SERVO: [as Heston] With this staff I bring before you!
> "Trent has clout. And Albert is an old friend."
>Mulder bobbed his head slightly.
ALL: IT'S BOB! EEYAAHH!!
> "Actually Scully, Albert
>is just gonna love you."
CROW: [as Scully] Ooh, I can hardly wait!
> "Great. I've never met him Mulder, but I know his
SERVO: Brother?
MIKE: Dentist?
CROW: Pre-frontal lobotomy scars?
>reputation. Examining live bodies will be something new for
>him, that's for sure."
MIKE: Apparently Albert doesn't get out much.
> "Yes, I want him to check out Cooper and Dr. Drew. I'm
>also calling Raven Hill to make sure they send us their
>personnel files."
SERVO: Well, I see you've had some experience dealing with homicidal
psychopathic madmen. What are you looking for in an employer now?
CROW: Lots and lots 'o vacation time
> "And find us a motel for them to send them to.
CROW: Here's a nice one: Bates Motel, N. Bates proprietor.
>I'll check up on the status of Dr. Drew."
> "Gotcha."
MIKE: You're it!
> Mulder left the room and Scully picked up the medical
>report the nurse left at the foot of Cooper's bed and
>flipped through it.
CROW: Let's see, "The blood found at the scene did not match Mr.
Goldman or Ms Brown. but..." Hey I think you left the wrong thingy
> Dehydration, low blood sugar, nothing
>too serious.
MIKE: [British accent] I'm getting better!
SERVO: [ditto] No, you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment!
> Scully hesitated before leaving to look down upon
>Cooper's moonlit face in repose.
SERVO: [singing] Moonlight becomes you, it goes with your blood...
> The gentle, child-like
>quality she had noted earlier was even more pronounced when
>he was asleep,
CROW: [as Minnesota Woman] Oh he's so cute when he's asleep.
SERVO: [ditto] Oh, yah, just a little angel.
> marred only by a small scar on his forehead
>near the scalp.
MIKE: It's the mark of the Family, Man!
CROW: Helter Skelter! Helter Skelter!
SERVO: Who was it telling me *I* was getting too dark?
> He looked almost...angelic.
ALL: [semi-heavenly sounding] Aaah-ahh-ahhhhh!!!
> As she
>watched, mesmerized by his moonlit figure, his long lashes
>fluttered
SERVO: I feel like I'm in a White Diamonds commercial
> and he murmured, "Ahhh, is that coffee I smell?"
CROW: Nah, the guy in the next room has intestinal problems.
> Scully took a step back from his bed, startled, and
>said unnecessarily, "Yes. Mulder brought it to you while you
>were asleep."
MIKE: You can't fool me: it was the Caffeine Fairy!
> Cooper scooted himself into a sitting position, boyish
>delight on his face as he commanded the hospital bed to
>incline along with him with the push of a button.
CROW: Hey, it moves! WHEEEE!!!
> "Agent Scully," he announced, looking at her with a
>grin, "I've already had one treat today,
MIKE: He got to bite the head off of a chocolate Bob.
> and that was being
>released from Raven Hill by you and Mulder. This," he
>picked up the steaming cup,
CROW: MY HANDS!! YAAA-AA-AA-AA-AH!!!
> " is a gift from the Gods."
MIKE: And Zeus gave Hercules a rich Jamaican blend to give
unto man!
>He sipped with reverence and smacked his lips. "Damn fine cup
>of coffee- for a hospital."
CROW: Oh my God, he's enjoying hospital food - he really IS a
psychopath!
> Scully watched askance at his little display, sipping
>at her own cup. "Mulder has gone to call in Albert
>Rosenfield to examine you. You'll be staying here overnight
>for observation."
SERVO: [announcer] In the palatial Fruitcake Room of the Watmok Sheraton
> Cooper was pleased. "Albert? He is a brilliant and
>talented man, Scully.
CROW: That must be why he's made a career out of examining corpses
for the Feds
> But don't let him intimidate you."
MIKE: I *will* be assertive, uh, if that's all right with you.
> Scully thought about her own medical credentials and
SERVO: Realized they were from the Rupert Murdoch Medical School
>replied assuredly, "I won't."
> They stayed in silence for a minute until Cooper spoke.
CROW: So have you seen "Dune"?
>"Agent Scully, you don't like me very much, do you?"
MIKE: I guess the pistol-whipping gave her away.
> His manner was so disarming; Scully suddenly found
>herself looking into Cooper's eyes.
SERVO: SLEEP!!
> "Cooper, I hardly know
>you."
> "You know Mulder."
ALL: [singing] If you knew Mulder, Like I knew Mulder...
> Scully's defenses snapped up.
SERVO: [as Scotty] Cap'n the shields canna take much more o'this!
> "What does my
>relationship with Mulder have to do with you?"
CROW: Can you say "Menage a' trois"
> Cooper did not seem to notice her discomfiture.
>"Mulder and I are kindred spirits, Scully, although we
>follow different paths. Mulder seeks out his own truths.
CROW: I just kinda make up the truth as I go.
>I investigate the truths of others. That's my job.
MIKE: It's what I do. I move on.
> I think
>that makes you uncomfortable.
SERVO: No, but these pumps are *killing* me.
> Secrets, to others or to
>yourself, Scully, are dangerous things."
> "I believe you," she replied, slightly confused.
CROW: Hey, no more so than us.
>"Get some rest, Cooper. We'll see you in the morning."
> Scully left Cooper's room puzzled by his words;
MIKE: Let's see, one train leaves Chicago going west at 50 MPH...
>she found herself powerfully drawn to the man, yet at the same
>time, wary of him.
SERVO: Oh, like it's not bad enough we've already got one case of
unresolved sexual tension hanging in the air like overripe raccoon
on a Mississippi highway, now we've got *two*?
MIKE: Yep, it's double-header night at plot point stadium.
> Pushing these thoughts aside, she
>shivered involuntarily and headed for the nurses' desk.
CROW: G-g-give me s-s-something to st-st-stop th-this shuh-
shuh-shivering!!
>
> The door clicked shut, signaling Agent Scully's
>departure, and Cooper found himself alone in his room.
>To any ordinary person, the feeling of solitude that settled
>upon him would have been unwelcome, maybe even frightening;
>Cooper savored it and welcomed it for what it meant.
CROW: It means he can bounce up and down on the bed all night!
>Drawing the starchy sheets close to his chin,
MIKE: *OW!* Crap, I cut myself on these starchy sheets!
> Cooper lay
>back in the darkness and closed his eyes to enjoy a deep
>dreamless sleep, the first in a long, long time.
SERVO: Unless something happens real soon, *I'll* be in a deep
dreamless sleep!
CROW: Yeah, what was the plot to this, anyway?
MIKE: Bob.
CROW: Ah, we've heard that one before!
>
> Mulder found Scully at the nurses' desk a few minutes
>later, a distressed look on her face.
> "What is it?" he asked.
SERVO: They're canceling "Blossom"
> Scully heaved a sigh,
CROW: BLU-ARCHK! (sigh)
> "Dr. Drew died last night of an
>embolism in the brain."
> Mulder hung his head and scowled.
CROW: Home is anywhere you hang your head.
> "Well, I guess
>Albert won't be disappointed after all." He sensed that
>Scully didn't like this piece of news at all, but he didn't
>press her for details now.
SERVO: Well, is she supposed to be *happy* this guy conked off?
CROW: Forget Bob, I'm worried about *Mulder* now!
> She looked tired. "Come on, "
>he said gently, placing his hand at the small of her back,
CROW: Right before it reached the large of her...
MIKE: [wearily] Crow...
CROW: Skirt.
SERVO: Good save.
>"I've got rooms for us across the street. Let's get some rest."
SERVO: They're staying in restrooms?
MIKE: That's how you know the budget cutting's gone a little far.
> Scully nodded and the two of them headed for the exit,
>but not without both of them stealing
MIKE: A bedpan?
CROW: A bottle of morphine?
SERVO: The life-force of several victims
> one last backward
>glance towards room 117.
CROW: Is one of us looking forward? I don't YAAAAAAHHH!!!
>
>[Oasis Motel, 5:14 AM]
MIKE: [singing] Midnight at the Oasis
> Scully, in her blue pajamas,
SERVO: And I in my cap, both settled in for a long winter's nap
> twisted in her sheets and
>began to dream...
CROW: I dreamt I was subduing Bob in my Maidenform Bra!
> She was hanging by a rope tied to her wrists
MIKE: Well, this is a side of Scully we haven't seen!
> above a
>gaping abyss.
SERVO: Look, below! It's Ed Harris and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio!
> Concentrate, she told herself with half-
>awake, dreamer's rationale, concentrate on your toes.
>Suddenly her wrists were free and she was falling down...
SERVO: To free her wrists, she concentrated on her toes?
CROW: Their body parts aren't independent, just miswired.
> Dana landed without incident into a large worn black
>leather armchair.
SERVO: Hello, and welcome to "Masterpiece Theatre"
CROW: I see you're using the British spelling, too
SERVO: Yes, I endeavoured to do so.
CROW Cheque!
> Other similar chairs stood in the room
>whose walls were softly swaying red curtains.
MIKE: Architects who abuse bad 'shrooms - on the next "Springer"
> The floor had
>a psychedelic red and white zig-zag pattern across it.
CROW: Anyone up for a mystical game of checkers?
>Scully couldn't move from the chair;
SERVO: The Comfy Chair!!
> it was as if her arms
>were glued to the armrests.
MIKE: That's not glue!
ALL: EEEEWWWWW!!
> It's still a dream. she
>realized on a certain level of her subconscious. Yet she
>felt alert and awake.
CROW: She also began to wonder about all the hot dogs and cigars.
MIKE: Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
SERVO: And Bob is just Bob.
CROW: Or Robert
> The hairs on the back of her neck
>began to tingle as a hand appeared at her left elbow,
MIKE: She's discovered the secret of regeneration!
>rough fingers making dents in the soft leather as it gripped the
>arm of the chair.
SERVO: First time flyer, huh?
> Scully tried to turn her head, her heart
>quickening.
CROW: Scully's an immortal.
MIKE: *RAMIREZ!!!*
> Out of the corner of her eye, she saw stringy,
>dirty gray hair and smelled the putrid but odorless breath
>of someone hissing near her cheek.
SERVO: Wait a minute, "putrid" means "smelly", right? So not
only did Scully smell his odorless breath, she smelled his
*stinky*, odorless breath!
MIKE: "Putrid" also means "rotten", y'know.
SERVO: His breath had holes in it? Sorry, Mike, I'm just not buying it!
> "Who's there?" she called, frightened.
SERVO: It is I, THE TICK!!!
> The shape of a head creeped into her field of vision,
>millimeters away until a dark eye glittered straight into
>her own,
MIKE: Sorry, just dropped a contact here...
> a beak of a nose curling as an unseen mouth
>murmured, "Bob is here..."
CROW: Have a nice computer.
Every muscle in Dana's body
>tensed. The head drew away,
CROW: If you can draw Bob, you may have a future in the arts!
> revealing the snarling,
>haggard face of Bob as he eased over Scully as she sat in
>the chair, trapped.
CROW: 'Scuse Me
MIKE: Pardon Me
CROW: Sorry
SERVO: Beg Pardon
MIKE: Watch Out
SERVO: Excuse Me
> His burning, beady eyes never left
>Scully's as he finished climbing over her body to crouch at
>her feet.
SERVO: Looks like Bob has a shoe fetish!
MIKE: Suddenly I feel like I need a shower!
> He tilted his head back and forth slowly,
>studying her like a curious animal- an animal stalking prey.
CROW: So you free Saturday Night, or what?
>The room was plunged into sudden darkness and Dana stifled
>the reflex to scream as flashing strobe lights began to
>flicker,
ALL: DISCO'S BACK!! [they start boogying in their seats]
> revealing and obscuring the movements of the
>terrible figure before her, rendering his movements into a
>choppy, staggering motion.
MIKE: They're guest starring on "NYPD Blue"
> Bob began to speak, his words
>stilted, not quite in sync with his lips, yet perfectly
>comprehensible.
SERVO: It's Gamara! He will save us all!
> "You- do not- believe,"
CROW: Hey, I'm from Missouri, pal, the "Bite Me" State!
MIKE: Uh, I think that's "Show Me".
CROW: Whatever.
> he seethed as he backed up
>slowly,
SERVO: [Makes beeping sound]
> his arms outstretched, beckoning. Nowhere and
>everywhere at once she heard his cackle echo across the room
MIKE: CACKLE
CROW: Cackle
SERVO: [whispering] cackle
>and in her mind. "FIRE, WALK WITH ME."
CROW: [as Jerry] Oy, da fire, and he's, wid da walkin' thing, he's doin'
there!
> Scully was rooted to the chair, feeling as if her soul
>and her body were trying to separate themselves.
SERVO: Okay, the body gets the heart, the liver, and the stomach,
the soul gets the brain, the spleen, and the lungs, and you'll
split the kidneys.
> She fought it.
MIKE: [singing] She fought the Bob, and the Bob won!
> The lights stopped flashing and suddenly she was
>standing, the chairs gone.
SERVO: Boy that Bob can sure break up a party.
> Across the room stood a tall
>figure in a dark suit.
MIKE: [Deep Voice) Four score and seven years ago...
> She squinted and instantly
>recognized the lanky build of Mulder.
> "Mulder?" she called,
CROW: Mulder, she wrote.
> as the figure found a slit in the
>red curtains and began to step through it to leave her all
>alone. "Mulder, wait!"
CROW: Did you see? They had a disco and everything. It was
so neat!
> "Mulder!" Scully bolted up from her bed, chest
>heaving.
CROW: Well, she's no Ellen Barkin, *but*...
> She glanced at the clock and she ran a hand
>through her hair,
SERVO: [as Scully] Oh, it's time to groom.
> deciding that she had had enough sleep for
>one night. Memory of her dream was fading fast
SERVO: Unfortunately, not for us.
> but she
>didn't feel particularly comfortable hanging on to the
>remnants. That face, however...
MIKE: With a little work around the eyes, we're talking *Broadway*!
> she scrambled over her bed
>to the still-open file she had been reviewing before going
>to sleep.
CROW: Hey, someone's X-ed out this File!
> There, on the top sheet was the man she had seen
>in her dream-
SERVO: Fabio
> but the artists' sketch
MIKE: It must have been a group effort.
> did not quite capture
>the ingrained evil that Scully's imagination had given
>Killer Bob.
SERVO: That's it! Bob is really Jerry Lee Lewis!
----------------------
Bill L.
Douglas Firs!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Now in 2 delicious flavors:
Original minty (bill.li...@msfc.nasa.gov)
and new crisipity crunchity! (bi...@Traveller.COM)