MiSTed: "CONCLUSIVE PROOF: Jesus *is* King of the Jews ! !`!"
Roland Warner
newsgroups this was alos posted too. Hopefully I cancelled it in enough
time, but here it is. Also, I want to note taht if anyone already
dibsed this on the dibs list, sorry, I didn't see it, and this may not
go in WS #9 unless it gets enough acclaim.
----
Here we go, per Ruth's request! "Conclusive Proof: Jesus *is* King of
the Jews!!`!" MiSTed!
[M&TB enter the theater]
FitugMix wrote:
Tom: [FitugMix] Stop laughing at my nickname! It means "DeathStalker"
in Klingon!
>
> Here's absolutely irrefutable, scientifically-verifiable evidence that
> plainly demonstrates Jesus the Nazarene called the Christ to be the
> One and Only Messiah of the Hebrew Old Testament(TaNaKh).
Mike: Please don't tell me Ken Starr is involved somehow.
> I discovered
> these facts through very careful, exhaustive research and deduction by
> comparing extant secular-historical evidences with the testimony which
> was so faithfully recorded in the ancient Hebrew Canon, which necessarily
> includes BOTH Old and New Covenant Scriptures.
[Pause]
Crow: Did any of you guys understand that?
Mike: Not a word.
Tom: I think he's researching the history of Camera equipment, but I'm
not sure.
>
> Please enjoy reading, and feel free to copy any or all portions of my article
> and distrubute it freely.
Tom: [FitugMix] Yes, spread the evil!
> Furthermore BE ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY SURE to save
> this article and (re)post it to your favorite newsgroups as often as you like.
Crow: I have a newsgroup for you to post it to:
"alt.bite.me.in.the.left.quadrant.which.was.reserved.especially.for.you"
Mike: I know of a lot of posts that should go there.
> The time *is* short, so be sure to get the word out: Jesus Christ *is* LORD!
Tom: [a la Packers fan] Armageddon in 2000! Woo!
>
> :)
Mike: I think this was somehow misplaced . . .
>
> Before proceeding with this article, please note the following:
Crow: [MitugFix] I am writing this from the safety of my Church of the
Almighty Stanley.
Mike: Stanley?
Crow: You mean you haven't heard of the Almight Stanley, Mike?
Mike: Evidently not.
Crow: Yeah, it involves a lot of blasphemy and stuff. It's kinda fun.
> -All calculations are based on precision astronomical data.
Tom: Uh huh . . .
> -Ancient calendar records correlated with lunisolar phases.
Tom: Gotcha . . .
> -Location data preset to Jerusalem for all calculations
Tom: I see . . .
> -All Jewish lunisolar calendar dates are kosher(formal)
Tom: Sure . . .
> -Precession epoch datum set for each date specified
Tom: [To Mike] Call the Happy House, quick! [To MitugFix] Continue . .
.
>
> * * *
Crow: These must be the astronomical data he was talking about.
>
> Lord of the Sabbath -- A Closer Look
Mike: No relation to "Lord of the Sith".
>
> • The "going forth of the commandment(Artaxerxes I[Longimanus])
> to restore and to (re)build Jerusalem..."[Dan 9:25]:
Crow: Um, guys, I'm scared.
> Julian day: 1554766
> Day of week: Thursday, September 19, 457 BC
> Jewish calendar: 1 Tishri 3305(1st day of the 1st[regnal] month)
Mike: This isn't going to be easy . . .
> New Moon: 12:58:47 AM(JD 1554765.45749)
> Phase: 0.1%, Phase angle: 175.68ø
> Az: 29:59:12; Alt: -45:47:25
Tom: DANGER-[Tom's head explodes a la Megane 6.7]
Mike: Whoa, I've never seen him do that before!
Crow: Not since those Oscarfics has Tom done that.
> RA: 11:32:40; Dec: 7:48:27
> Ecliptic Lon: 170:36:51; Lat: 4:24:29
> Galactic Lon: 323:56:44; Lat: 55:24:14
> Rising: Sep 19, 457 BC; 5:26:07 AM
Crow: [Starts breaking down] This isn't funny!
> Transit: Sep 19, 457 BC; 11:56:50 AM
> Setting: Sep 19, 457 BC; 6:19:57 PM
> Notes: ref. Ezra 7:6-26, ibid; note also that
> 1 Tishri must not fall on Sun, Wed or Fri
Mike: I don't understand a word!
[A three hour tour snipped!]
[Mike, Tom, and Crow enter after leaving the theater.]
Mike: Gah, bleeb, crnx.
Crow: Havida homina, ick.
Tom: Fnomi yrtlni qiota. [Suddenly realizes what he's doing and
shakes his head around.] Aggida! Aggida! Snap out of it, you guys!
[Mike looks at Tom strangely.]
Mike: Snitlpa, qeruta gaslhyg?
Tom: Mike, buddy, I know it was bad! Don't you see, you can't let
Pearl win! This post . . . it was evil I know! I lost another globe!
But we can't give up now!
Crow: Binagalsd thoihgad, haisdogya ageiytha!
Tom: *sniff* We're doomed.
[A thump is heard off screen and Cambot pans back a little to show
Krankor walking in.]
Krankor: Hah hah hah hahhh! The Phantom Dictator of Krankor is back to
conquer your puny satellite once and for all! Your foolish human
emotions will not stop me this time!
Tom: Krankor, buddy, I think you're not going to have a problem this
time.
Kankor: Why's that?
Mike: Terutand thakshty shdeitan tyhesnasls syehansdl
Crow: Sheaoytpeo ayse yeandatya dyeasn.
Krankor: This language, I don't know it!
Tom: That's just it, Krankor. They've lost their minds because of
this post they just read.
Krankor: Ah, I see! And um, exactly who wrote this post?
Tom: A guy named "MitugFix".
Krankor: I know that name! The last time I saw him, he was heading
towards our giant to witness the wonders of this man-created thing
called "God". No one stopped him of course.
[Mike and Crow do a double take.]
Mike: Wow, really?
Crow: That's great, Krankor! The best news I've heard in the past four
hours!
Krankor: What, but you were just babbling a moment ago! What happened?
Mike: It's a human thing, Krank, you wouldn't understand.
Krankor: This complicates matters even further. I must go and plan
some more.
Mike: Sure thing, Kranks! Thanks again!
[Krankor leaves and the crew waves as he goes.]
Tom: What a wonderful guy! He always seems to come in our darkest
hour.
Crow: Yeah, that Krank! What a wonderful guy!
Mike: You know, guys, I have a couple of phone calls to make, see if I
can find a home address for Mr. "MitugFix".
Crow: Oooh, can I help?
Tom: Me too!
Mike: Well sure! Come on!
[They walk off screen and Cambot fades to black.]
----
There you go! I'm not planning on this one going to WS #9 unless I hear
from a lot of people who like it. I know, I cheated and snipped the
rest of the astronimcal data, but I just didn't want to mess with all
that!
Roland, c'mon, net.kooks, I'm ready to MiST all of y'all, Warner
Lori Holuta
said...
>There you go! I'm not planning on this one going to WS #9 unless I hear
>from a lot of people who like it. I know, I cheated and snipped the
>rest of the astronimcal data, but I just didn't want to mess with all
>that!
And I thank you for that snippage. (Wish you could have snipped some of
that Corsicuant Christmas, it would have saved millions of lives).
>
>Roland, c'mon, net.kooks, I'm ready to MiST all of y'all, Warner
MiST at will, kind Sir! It's the only sane response to most of this stuff!
Lori, still waiting for Roland's MiSTing of her office title/tagline, Holuta
--
Lori - MSTie #34964
Official Unofficial Prop Diva of RATMM & Comptroller of G.E.E.K.S.
A Tribute To John Agar - http://www.msu.edu/user/holuta/agar/agar.htm
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Aye, sit ye doon an' ye'll hear a tale,
a tale o' aye a fateful trip,
what started fra' yon English port
aboard yon bigass ship." -- Carl Burke