[MSTed] Times Not Known #2

[Damien Karolev]

The name's Damien Karolev. I've been lurking around here for a few months,
and I finally got
myself to actually do a MiSTing. w00p.
I apologize for not claiming dibs on this stinkburger, but it only took my
six hours, so I didn't
see the point. Well, without further ado, here's Times Not Known #2 by
Andrew M Hujsak.
******************
[Opening credits and theme song]
[Bridge of the SoL. Joel is sitting at the console reading a book, Gypsy is
staring intently at
a small box, and Tom and Crow are nowhere to be found. Joel looks up and
notices Cambot.]
Joel: Hi everyone! We're just waiting for the Mads to call. We have an
invention that will
knock Dr. F's socks off.
Tom (from offscreen): As usual!
[The Mads light begins flashing.]
Joel: Uh oh, Pinky and the Brain are calling.
[Joel presses the button and the viewscreen lights up.]
Dr.F: Hello, Moe. Do you have your usual pathetic attempt at an invention
ready?
Joel: Yes, I do.
Dr.F: Very well, go ahead.
Joel: Well, television these days is often lacking in content or
entertainment value. Long
stretches can pass without a single interesting thing appearing. So,
I've invented the
Entertain-O-Matic! It analyzes your brain, finds what would be most
interesting to you,
and creates a program customized to your preferences.
[Joel moves the box, which is revealed to be a monitor, to the viewscreen.
It's displaying a
static image of Richard Basehart.]
Gypsy: Hey!
Joel: As you can see, it's displaying what Gypsy is most interested in
seeing.
Dr.F: Very amusing. It's not entirely pathetic, for once. By the way, where
are Larry and Moe?
I want them to see my invention for this week.
Joel: The Entertain-O-Matic uses a lot of processing power, so I'm powering
it using their
brains.
[Joel reaches under the desk and pulls a couple of cables. Tom and Crow
emerge.]
Dr.F: Ah, there you are. Now, as I was saying. FRANK!
[TV's Frank walks in carrying a VERY large metal object.]
Frank: Umm... *puff* this is awfully heavy...
Dr.F: Be quiet, you can put it down in a minute. Now, this device performs a
very simple
function. It generates a beam that can transform any living thing into
a different form.
Once it's perfected, I'll transform all the people of the world into
mindless zombies!
Hahahahahaha!
Joel: Why that's... that's diabolical!
Tom: You're evil, Dr. F! That's horrible!
Crow: You must be stopped!
Dr.F [flattered]: Why thank you, I'm touched.
Frank: Um... Steve... it's slipping.
Dr.F: No, don't drop it!
[TV's Frank drops the box, which explodes in a puff of smoke. After a
moment, the smoke clears
to reveal that TV's Frank and Dr. Forrester have been turned into Pinky and
the Brain.]
Crow: The hell?
Frank: Egad, Brain, this is fun.
Dr.F: Frank, don't make me kill you. And don't call me "Brain."
Frank: NARF!
Dr.F: Okay, no more time to chat. This week's experiment is a nasty little
Sailor Moon fanfic by
Andrew Hujsak. Send them the fanfic, Frank.
Frank: Alright, Brain. POIT!
[Frank presses the button, and chaos ensues.]
J&TB: AHHHH! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!
[Dog Bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, o]
[Joel enters the theatre, carrying Tom. Crow follows, and they take their
usual seats.]
>Times Not Known #2
Tom: Fics Not Enjoyed #1000000
>By Andrew M Hujsak
>
>Read Me First!
Crow: Oh yeah, and what if we don't?
Tom: ThE MasTeR WOuLd noT Be PLeAsEd.
Crow: AHHHH! Don't do that!
Tom: Heh heh.
> When I wrote the first "Times Not Known", it was intended as a single
short story
>without any to follow, it being a spur of the moment type thing. However,
by request,
>there will be more parts,
Tom: Whose request?
Joel: Dr. Forrester's.
>as short stories, dealing with personal issues of each Senshi.
> Following in the same tone as the first part, these will apt to be sad or
tragic in
>their content,
Crow: Apt? APT?!?
Tom: Any hope that this would be a good fic was just shot to pieces.
>as in this part, but not necessarily so. There will be a total of five
>parts.
Tom: I think that's a threat.
> Enjoy, and perhaps keep the tissues handy.
Crow: And a barf bag.
>Any comments, good, bad, or indifferent, please direct to me at: [address
deleted]
Joel: Thank you, we will
>Thank You.
Tom: You're welcome.
>
>
> Had it really been a year? The young woman wondered sometimes, it almost
seemed
>like yesterday, then at times it seemed like a century had passed.
Crow: The first sentence is a run-on sentence?
Joel: And missing quotation marks.
Tom: Joel, I'm scared.
> The passing of
Crow: A kidney stone.
>one of her best friends,
Crow: Oh.
>caught in a blast of dark energy, unable to move fast enough
>to avoid it. The grief was still close to the surface, and at times almost
overwhelmed
>her, causing her to break down
Crow: BREAK DOWN!
Tom <singing>: Break it on down, break it on down...
>in tears almost uncontrollably. Her other friends would
>always be there for her, comforting, trying to ease her pain.
Joel: And laughing at her behind her back.
>She was thankful for that, for if they weren't there, she would have surely
gone insane.
Joel: I think Andrew's attempting to be literary.
Crow: I think he failed miserably.
> Today was a quiet day, no youma had attacked, seeming almost to be giving
reverence to
>the anniversary of her loss, though she knew that wasn't true.
Tom: Rather, they were attending NegaverseCon '98.
>The Senshi had given the enemy a terrible beating
Crow: The Senshi are into S&M? Cool!
Joel: Crow!
>just two days ago, causing the loss of many of their number.
Tom: 6?
Crow: Gone.
Tom: 34?
Crow: Also gone.
Tome: 19?
Crow: Gone too.
Joel: He said "number," not numbers.
>She gave a fierce grin at that, it served them right! *They* had been the
ones who had
>caused her pain, *they* deserved the same,
Joel: They?
Tom: I think Andrew M. Hujsak is a penname for John_-_Winston
>and more, a hundred, no, a thousand fold.
Crow: I see your hundred and raise a thousand.
Tom: I fold.
>Ever since the return of Sailor Mars,
Tom: She got back just in time to be in this fanfic?
Crow: I'm sure she's kicking herself.
>they had been able to push back the Dark Kingdom from its former expansion,
Tom: Into Northern Kuwait.
Joel: Queen Beryl IS Saddam Hussein!
>but it had been too late to save the life of her friend.
Tom: What friend? WHO IS THIS FRIEND WE KEEP HEARING ABOUT?!?
Joel: Calm down, Tom, I think that's supposed to be the point of the story.
Tom: Bite me.
> As she made her way to the Shrine, for that is where, by mutual consent,
it had been
>decided where the grave should be, she gave thought as to how the others
had taken the
>loss. They all had felt the pain,
Crow: Of being burned alive, after Sailor Mars went insane.
Joel: Crow, that was very dark.
>and had grieved deeply with her, but perhaps it was
>Luna who had suffered the most, for she was closer than any of the others,
Tom: To being run over by a bus, being only six inches tall.
Crow: Not bad, Servo.
>and had very
>deep feelings, though she might not admit it openly. All that was certain
was that she
>had said she needed to be alone for a while, and had disappeared for days.
Joel: Thus avoiding being trapped in this fanfic.
Tom: Lucky her.
>No one knew where she had gone,
Crow: Until a horrid smell began to emanate from the heating ducts.
Joel: Stop it, Crow.
Crow: Hey! You didn't complain at Tom!
Joel: I have double standards.
Crow: Oh. [pauses] I should be mad shouldn't I?
Joel: Yes.
Crow: Oh, okay.
>what she had done, and after the third day everyone started to get
>very worried. Luna returned after five days, looking much thinner,
Joel: She had been at Jenny Craig!
>apparently not eating
>very much during that time, but had regained her composure again.
Joel: Wow. Two tense shifts in one sentence, AND redundancy. We may have the
new Stephen Ratliff
here.
Tom: Did something happen to the old one?
Crow: We can only hope.
>Everyone was relieved.
Tom: Luna owed them money.
> Upon reaching the Shrine, she turned and slowly ascended the stairs.
Turning to the
>left at the top, to go to the corner of the property where the grave was
located,
Tom: INTENSE WALKING AROUND ACTION!
Joel: You can always tell fine writers by their attention to details.
Crow: Even irrelevant ones.
>she saw
>that everyone else was already there, waiting for her. She knew that they
would be there,
>for today was a day to pay homage to the honored dead. She approached the
grave, which
>was right beside the one for Rei's Grandfather, and knelt down next to it,
placing the
>bouquet she had along with the others already in place.
Tom: So, she placed her bouquet and everyone else's?
Joel: Sure looks that way.
>She then bowed her head to give a silent prayer, her long blond hair
cascading over her
>shoulders onto the small mound there.
Joel: The hell?
Crow: I think it just turned into a lemon!
Joel: NO IT DIDN'T.
>Then raising her head,
Crow: From her shoulders with one swift stroke of the axe.
Joel: What is with you today?
>Minako read the marker that she had read so many times before.
>
> In Memory
> A Beloved Friend
> A Respected Mentor
> Rest in Peace
> Artemis
Tom: Oh my God, they killed Artemis!
Crow: You bastards!
>
>
>The End
Tom: Here we have the best line in the whole fanfic.
Joel: Let's go guys.
>
>
>
>
[Joel and the bots exit the theatre.]
[o, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog Bone]
Joel: So, guys, what'd you think of the fanfic.
[Tom and Crow look at each other, then at Joel.]
The Bots: TORCHAA!
Joel: Really? I didn't think it was that bad.
Tom: Um, Joel, are you feeling alright?
Crow: Yeah, don't lose it on us.
Joel: No, really. I mean, consider some of the other literary trainwrecks
we've read.
Tom: Well, there WAS Artemis' Lover.
Crow: And Cyborged!!!
Tom: Let's not forget Cau$e$ of War$.
[Everyone pauses.]
Tom: HAIL ANDREW HUJSAK!
Crow: HE IS THE GOD! THE GOD!
Joel: Well, it wasn't THAT good...
[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank are still mice.]
Frank: Egad, Brain, that's a big mallet!
Dr.F [wielding said big mallet]: Yes it is, Frank, and I'm about to use it
on you.
Frank: Oooh, would you please, Brain?
Dr.F: Oh, forget it. Come, Frank, we must get ready for tomorrow night.
Frank: What are we going to do tomorrow night, Brain?
Dr.F: Same thing we do every night, Frank. Find a cure for this
transformation, and then TRY TO
TAKE OVER... what am I saying?!? Just push the button, Pinky.
[Frank pushes the button. Fade out.]
Frank: NARF!
******************
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 1998 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Pinky and the Brain and related characters and situations are trademarks
of and (c) 1998 by Warner Bros. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on any original copyrights or trademarks
is intended or should be inferred.
Original fanfic by Andrew Hujsak, and can be found at:
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Set/7425/gorzog-52.html
Note that this is NOT intended to be a personal attack on the author, think
of it as
vitriolic C&C.
Tom: [humming theme from LA Law]
Joel: Tom, don't riff the disclaimer.
******************
>She then bowed her head to give a silent prayer, her long blond hair
cascading over her
>shoulders onto the small mound there.
Damien Karolev
Please direct any comments/criticism/etc to hac...@polarcom.com
Please direct any flames to /dev/null ;)