(MSTing) The Night Before Christmas
Lurker at Large
decided to start out with something short, so, host segments only at the
beginning and end.
(Season 10 Open)
(Satellite of Love. A Charlie Brown type Christmas tree is next to Servo.)
Mike: OK, we've got our tree.
Servo: Tree? I thought it was a decorated dowel rod.
Crow: Yeah, why can't we get a nice fake tree?
Mike: Because, ever since I was a small boy in Wisconsin, we had a live tree.
Crow: I think this barely counts as live.
(Lights flash.)
Mike: Hardrock, Coco, and Joe are calling.
(Castle Forrester. The main hall is well decorated.)
Pearl: There you are, Nelson. We're getting ready to celebrate my favorite time
of year.
(SOL)
Mike: You like Christmas?
(Castle)
Pearl: No, silly. I enjoy watching people fight over the hot toys. And the
disappointed looks on kids faces when they don't get what they wanted.
Bob: She also likes telling kids there's no Santa. Hahaha. If there's no Santa,
who leaves me those bananas each year?
Observer: Bobo, I think we need to talk.
Pearl: Anyway, since I'm in such a good mood, I've decided to send you
something short. The classic holiday poem "The Night Before Christmas". If you
survive, I'll give you a present.
(SOL)
Mike: Really?
Servo: I'd be worried, Nelson. Pearl is never this nice.
(Movie Sign.)
All: We've got Holiday Poem Sign!
(Door sequence. All the doors have wreaths on them.)
>THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Servo: Directed by Tim Burton.
>
>by Clement Clarke Moore
Mike: Mild Mannered Reporter for a Great Metropolitan Newspaper.
>
>'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Crow: Mother was calling Father a louse.
>Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
Mike: Someone stole all the spoons.
>The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
Servo: Because the clothes dryer was broken.
>In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
Crow: Nicholas Cage is a good actor, but he's no Saint.
>The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
Mike: Having trouble falling asleep, ready to wake their parents up at 5 am.
>While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
Servo: More like visions of Barbies and Hot Wheels.
>And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Crow: Don't mind me, mamma, I just need to blow my nose.
>Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
Mike: Oh, they're hibernating.
>When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Servo: Rattle rattle thunder clatter boom boom boom.
Crow: Don't worry, call the Car-X man.
>I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Mike: Another NBA Championship for the Lakers.
>Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Crow: Which is what he accidentally did to an old lady walking her dog.
>Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
Servo: Excuse me, Miss America.
>The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Crow: Snow has breasts?
Servo: Wakka-chikka-wow-wow.
>Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
>When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
Mike: Pink elephants, I shouldn't have finished that six-pack of beer.
>But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
Servo: He's into scale model building.
>With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
All (singing): It's the Little Old Lady from Pasadena.
>I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
>More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
All: Coursers?
>And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
Mike: Doc, Dopey, Sleepy...
Servo: Larry, Curly, Moe...
Crow: Rowsdower and Fingal.
>"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
>On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
Servo (singing): But do you recall, the most over-hyped Reindeer of all?
>To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Mike: Watch out for the awning.
>Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
Crow: Mrs. Dash?
>As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
>When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
Servo: So, they cheat on obstacle courses?
>So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
Servo: What's a courser?
>With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
Crow (as St Nick): How do I shut off all those Chicken Dance Elmos?
>And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
>The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
Mike: If I have to clean off reindeer droppings, Santa's getting spinach next
year, instead of milk and cookies.
>As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Crow: I tripped on the dog, fell down the stairs, and tore my pajamas.
>Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
Servo: And set off the home security system.
>He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
Mike: Doesn't he know Fur is Murder?
>And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
Crow: He could use some Scotch Guard.
>A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
>And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
Servo: Of Marlboros.
>His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
>His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
Crow: His breath smelled of ripple, too.
>His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
>And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
Mike: I offered him some Grecian Formula.
>The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
>And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
Crow: He needed to see his Doctor about The Patch.
>He had a broad face and a little round belly,
>That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
Servo: Smuckers?
>He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
Mike: From Rivendell.
>And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
Crow: I also laughed at The Chevy Chase Show.
>A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
>Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
Servo: Except Stallone.
Crow (as Stallone): I am Da Law.
>He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
>And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
Mike: Steve Martin?
>And laying his finger aside of his nose,
Crow: Better than inside his nose.
>And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
Servo: And got stuck halfway up.
Crow: We called a chimney sweep to get him out of there.
>He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
>And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
Mike: Thither Thuthie That on a Thithle.
>But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
Servo (as Santa): Next year, leave some Milano cookies, not Toll House.
>"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."
Crow: And Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, Ramadan...
(They exit the theater.)
(Door segment)
(On the bridge, Mike is looking through a very large dictionary.)
Mike: Let's see, coursers, coursers, coursers. Here we go. Courser, noun. One,
A dog trained for coursing.
Servo: Doesn't sound like reindeer.
Mike: Two, A huntsman.
Crow: That's definitely not it.
Mike: Three, A swift or spirited horse; a racer or a war horse; a charger.
Servo: Talk about artistic license.
Crow: Yeah, they may be swift and spirited, but they're reindeer, not horses.
(Castle Forrester)
Pearl: OK, you managed to survive that. So, I'm sending you up a present. Do
it, Brain Guy.
(Observer sends a box up to the SoL.)
Servo: Open it, Mike.
Crow: Yeah, open it.
Mike: Why don't one of you two open it?
Crow: Because our arms don't work.
Mike: Good reason.
(Mike opens the box.)
Mike: Yanni CDs?
Servo: Roger Corman DVDs?
Crow: Shares of Enron stock?
All: The director's cut of Final Sacrifice?
(Castle Forrester)
Pearl: Merry Christmas, losers.
(End Credits.)
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Keep circulating the Text Files.
>"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
>On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!