(Mistied): Star Trek: Damage part II
Suzanne Schroeder
privat=e?
Mike: You know, Crow, I've been wondering the same thing, and I've
reached the conclusion that parents are running out of good names
for their children.
Tom: Yeah, you can go into a room and find about five people named
John.
Mike: True, so now, with all the good names taken, I guess there
is nothing to do except invent new names.
Crow: OK, so they can now be called ¡Christina!
Tom: Actually, I think if I had a child, I would name them ®.
Their name can never be misspelled.
Crow: I was thinking about changing my name to Crow Robot.
Mike: Yeah, you can now sue someone for naming their child after
you.
Tom: Do you think that someone will ever name their child after
the international choking sign?
Mike: No. I mean, how would you get their attention? To call
their name, you would have to put your hands around your neck and
imitate someone choking.
(lights flash)
All: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!!!!!
(1..2..3..4..5..6..)
> He and his colleagues had no hope of curing their =
>patients of
>what afflicted them today
Crow: So they decided to go to an all white country club and play
a round of golf.
>because they had not yet discovered or name=
>d the=20
>microscopic body parts,
Tom:
>the immunoglobulins, the precipins, the antig=
>ens, needed
>to make anti-biotics, let alone fight a genetically-engineered diseas=
>e.
Mike: Those damn genes and their superior technology!
>The=20
>visitor squealed delightfully at the steel optical
>microscope with it=s
>mechanical knobs and gears.
Tom: Are they referring to her, or did a group of 20 tourists show
up while weren't looking?
Crow: Welcome to Walt Disney Medical World! Up ahead, is the
house of plague with Medicare land to your right.
>She almost poked out her eye looking thro=
>ugh it.
Crow: You're a crazy person! Almost poking your eye out like
that. You'll go blind!
> Dr William Penfield,
Tom: Penfold has been made a doctor?
Mike: I think his assistant is Count Duckula.
>Long Point's surgeon was a handsome captain=
> in his thirties.
Tom: At least in relation to the swollen hacking men he was
curing.
>He wore a mustache
Crow: Only on duty. Other than that, he kept it in his back
pocket.
>and kept his back stooped.
Tom: Just in case some one was hit by the urge to have a piggy
back ride.
>Dr Penfield s=miled,
Mike: Interesting. I didn't know that s equals miled.
>saying it was only rarely that such a beautiful lady came to his
offi=
>ce.
Crow: That was because they called him Dr. Hans O'Feelme.
>He asked whose wife she was.
Tom: and then he s=miled.
> 'I'm sorry, I just assumed you were married to one of the
>base's= men. Why else would you enter a quarantined environment?'
Mike: I do it everyday when I enter the cafeteria. We all have to
take our chances.
>She said she was not=
> only a
>physician but an African missionary as well.
Tom: And she also can be used as a chopper, dicer, and whip cream
maker!
>Or should that be 'docto=ress?'
Mike: Hell, I don't know! You're the one that's writing the
story! Make up your mind for crying out loud!
> 'My husband and I were working in the Pacific and then near
>Lake= Victoria in Africa on Christian missions. I've got lots of
>experience with suc= >h diseases
Crow: Mostly from curing my own.
>and am an fully-qualified doctor. University of Boston '91.'
>'You're Dr Penelope Wordlock aren't you?
Tom: (as Penelope) No, I'm Penelope Homepage. My maiden name is
Screensaver.
Mike: (as Penfield) Oh, how is your dad …?
>My American cousin grad=
>uated from
>Boston one year before you. You certainly don't look anything like yo=ur
>photographs.
Tom: She had clothes on at the time and wasn't surrounded by
drunken frat boys.
>Aren't you supposed to be in Italy?'
> His visitor's eyes flicked away while she switched tacks,
Mike: She was switching the tacks on his bulletin board??
>mental=ly steering
>to the lie she had ready:
Crow: And stopping by Mc Donald's for a cheeseburger on the way
there...
>that her husband went on to Italy while she=
> came to
>America for a friend's wedding,
Tom: The groom looked relatively calm considering this was a gun
shot wedding.
>so, when she'd read of the diseases t=
>hat had
>been afflicting the troops on their way to fight the South African Wa=r,
Mike: News Flash! Roosevelt declares Wa=r!
>she felt
>compelled to see if her expertise could be of any use.
Tom: Then she became extremely pissed that it was a story made up
by the National Enquirer.
> The military doctor began testing her, throwing out bits of
>jarg= on
Mike: It was spring cleaning day for his brain.
>to see if she were anything more than a well-read nurse.
Crow: She had so many tattoos on her body that it was hard for
people not to read her.
> The visitor knew she was speaking hesitantly, not because she
>kn= ew too little but because she knew too much.
Tom: Oh, damn, that always happens to me. Especially when I'm
trying to speak French. I absolutely know too much to form a
sentence.
>Her stammering was not from a d=
>esire to
>impress him but not to confound him with vocabulary he wouldn't under=
>stand.
Mike: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
> He was impressed when she described the disease's pathology
>perf= ectly.
Tom: and was even more suprised that everyone else in America knew
about the disease before he did and were keeping it a big secret
from him.
> 'I've been sent an angel. Angels were messengers in Plato, but
>I= don't
>think he mentioned red hair.
Crow: So, he was sent Red from Fraggle Rock.
> Anyway, I've got an angelic messenger be=
>fore me. I am at your assistance.'
Mike: Here's my angelic message: Bring in the Damn Star Trek
crew!
> He took her to the barracks. They needed to pass the kitchens
>on= the way
>to the barracks, but after steeling herself to the stink from the com=
>post, the
Tom: The gardener screwed up and was trying to plant the flowers
inside.
>visitor still needed to defend herself against a hideous odor.
Crow: Instead of using brass knuckles, she used Odor Eaters. It
was a damn good fight though.
>The bu=ilding
>reeked and she wrinkled her nose despite his warning. She was blinded=
>for a
>moment as her eyes adjusted to the grey and yellow sea inside.
Mike: Obviously, they took a wrong turn and ended up in Boston
Harbor.
>Stacke=
>d on
>triple bunks and on the floor were three hundred and fifty soldiers o=
>f Queen
>Victoria, dying.
Crow: Coming up on the inside is Queen Victoria followed by Queen
Victoria, and in last place Queen Victoria.
>She lifted a soldier's elbow and squeezed his undera=
>rm to see
>whether his lymph glands were swollen.
Mike; Then she was reminded that back in those days, people didn't
use Dial.
>She asked if he had similar sw=
>elling near his genitals.
Tom: (as soldier) No.
Crow: (as Penelope): So, that's the problem.
Mike: "Ride the snake.."
> 'Your pecker, Corporal? Answer her. She's a doctor. No need
>to b= e shy, lad.'
Tom: I'll bet if she were on a 976 phone number, he wouldn't have
a problem answering that.
> The corporal nodded.
>The visitor asked the infantryman if his ma=
>tes were
>all in the same state as he.
Crow: In otherwords, were they hacks who couldn't aim a rifle
straight.
>He nodded to the man, clearly embarrasse=d.
> She'd grown paler by the breath. Her voice had grown hollow as s=
>he'd
>stopped breathing through her nose while speaking, hoping to block
>th=
>e stench
All: (as cheerleaders) Block -that -stench! Block -that- stench!
>of the soldiers who hadn't bathed since their fevers had
>over-taken t= hem;
>nevertheless, the stink was overpowering her.
Tom: Sounds like a normal day in France to me.
Crow: She should be thankful. It usually smells like a gas
station bathroom in there.
> The surgeon asked if she knew what the disease was. The
>soldiers= suffered
>the same rolling, hacking cough and feverless sweat.
Mike: (singing) rollin' rollin', rollin' keep that coughing
rollin'....
> The disease gest=
>ated over
>a long period and should have taken them while at sea
Tom: On a lovely vacation for two to Aculpulco?
>but a landslide=
> at
>Thunder Bay had delayed their travel and made them miss their boat fo=
>r Gander.
>Already the visitor and her friends
Crow: It was the Getalong Gang to the rescue!
Tom: No! It was She-ra, Princess of Power!
>had kept twelve ships from arrivi=
>ng at
>their ports lifeless, crewed and piloted by corpses.
Mike: Like a Carnival Cruise.
> 'I need to check some of my books and journals. I'll call
>again t=
>his
>afternoon. I'm staying at the Saint James.
Tom: Where she will spend three glorious days and nights living in
unadulterated catholic guilt.
>Send for a cab, please.' S=
>he needed
>to get outside but didn'twant to undermine the doctor's confidence i=
>n her, as
Crow: Could she prove that whe was a workaholic like him? Stay
tuned...
>he'd be needed yet. 'Try to have them bathe and make certain they
>dri=
>nk at least
>as much fluid as they'd need normally.
Mike: (as Penelope) So send in the Heineken. It would make my
work alot easier since I'm used to dealing with drunks.
> This is something very similar=
> to
>something I saw in Sarawar but I need a urine sample or two to be cer=
>tain.' She
Tom: She needed to mark their territory for them.
>didn't need any such samples but it would seem odd not to ask.
>Mind, =
>she did
>want to have a second look at the rubbish heaps.
Crow: She was an archaeologist, but this was her lunch hour.
> Twenty minutes later the visitor rode through the main gate
>and =
>its sleepy guard.
Mike: They drove through the sleepy guard? I bet that had to be
messy.
>Under her hat was a lump of slag which hid the device inside f=
>rom detection.
Tom: Look! A device! Maybe this is a Star Trek fanfic after all!
Crow: Hold your calls please, we have a winner.
> Her diagnosis would be based on the device's perceptions, = not
>Dr Penfield's.
Mike: Because she would rather trust a Cracker Jack Prize than his
degree from Deisel Driving Academy.
>She knew what the disease was, now how to get the afflict=ed
>hundreds to take their medicine?
Crow: Just mash it up in their food like I did for fluffy!
Tom: Time to go, y'all.