Misting- "Triumph of the Retart"- [Daria, Guerin] [Rated R] [2/8]
Matthew Blackwell
something on the counter. Tom and Crow enter moments
later.]
Tom: ...they come back from commercial, and Kid Rock and
Pamela Lee are in the booth. So, the announcers
invite them to do some play by play on the game.
Crow: Good lord. Were they drunk?
Tom: Kid Rock? Probably. I'm not sure about the announcers.
Crow: Hey Mike.
Mike: Hey guys.
Tom: So, the Dodgers are at the plate and Kid Rock starts...
[The pair of robots halt abruptly. They slowly turn around
and walk back towards Mike.]
Crow: Mike? What are you doing?
Mike: I'm just building another robot.
Tom: Oh. [pause] AHHHHH!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!
[The two bots dive out of view.]
Mike: Relax, guys. I'm sure this one won't malfunction and
try and kill everyone. [softly] Unlike the last few.
Crow: [poking his head back into view] Are you sure?
Mike: Yeah. Reasonably sure.
Crow: I guess that I'll take your word for it. What the
heck. I haven't risked my life in ten or twelve
minutes now.
Tom: [O.S.] Your funeral, Crow. I'll be in my room. With
my doors locked. And barricaded. And with traps set.
Mike: Sure Tom. You do that. [to Crow] You see, Crow, I
wanted to test a hypothesis from today's story.
See, in a lot of stories, whenever a new character
is introduced, they're instantly accepted by the
rest of the cast and usually fall head over heels
in love with someone...
Crow: Just like in today's story.
Mike: Right!
[Mike attaches a head to the robot.]
Mike: So, I've built Scooter here...
Crow: Scooter?
Mike: The Muppet Show was on while I was building him.
Crow: Ah.
Mike: Anyway, Scooter here will help demonstrate the
veracity of this theory. And here we go...
[Mike steps back and gestures at Scooter with a flourish.
Moments pass. Then moments more. Crow looks around the
bridge.]
Crow: I don't think that anything's happening.
Mike: Maybe it just needs more time.
[They wait.]
Mike: I guess that's enough time. So, have you accepted
Scooter as a member of our crew yet?
Crow: No. I still kinda think it looks like a brightly
colored paperweight.
Mike: Oh. Well, maybe the love thing comes first. Hey,
Gyps? Can you come in here?
[Gypsy enters.]
Gypsy: Whatcha want, Mike?
Mike: Hey! Look at this!
[Mike gestures at Scooter.]
Gypsy: Nice, Mike. Look, "Samurai Jack" is on, so I'll
leave you and the fire extinguisher/lava lamp
thing alone, 'kay?
[Gypsy exits.]
Mike: Huh.
Crow: I guess the theory is wrong.
Mike: I guess.
[Mike leans in and stares intensely at Scooter. Then
he stands up and grins sheepishly.]
Mike: Whoops.
Crow: Whoops?
Mike: Forgot to turn him on.
[Mike reaches behind Scooter and flips a switch.
Scooter flares to life.]
Scooter: ACTIVATING...
[Scooter begins to flail his arms around wildly.]
Scooter: CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY!
[Scooter quickly charges off screen. The sounds of mass
destruction follow from off screen.]
Crow: Whoops.
Mike: Whoops. [pause] Back to the drawing board.
Crow: Yep.
[The sound of tearing metal is heard from off screen.]
Tom: [O.S.] AHHHHH!!!!!!
Crow: Wow. It tore through that barricade like it wasn't
even there.
Mike: I build them well.
[The signal light on the console begins to flash. More
crashes can be heard off screen.]
Tom: [O.S.] GET AWAY FROM THOSE! AHHH!!!! MY RODDY
MCDOWELL COMMEMORATIVE BRIEFS!!!
Mike: I suppose I oughta hit the Guerin sign.
Crow: Might as well.
[Mike shrugs and taps the lights. The door sequence
begins as the sounds of destruction are heard in the
background.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[Crow and Mike enter and sit. Tom enters after a moment.
Mike helps him to his seat.]
Crow: So, did you meet Scooter?
Tom: Shut up.
Mike: Did he do much damage?
Tom: No, thankfully, I had that flamethrower. It took
care of him.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Chapter 2: Our Man On the Campaign Trail
Crow: It's Hunter S. Thompson's "Fear and Loathing in Lawndale."
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Daria and Jane were going down the street to school the next morning.
>
Crow: It's like their lives haven't changed at all!
>"So, how did your parents react to what happened yesterday?," Jane
>asked.
>
Tom: [Daria] Well, dad left muttering something about
disinheritance and the orphanage, so it went better
than usual.
>"Well," Daria began, "after the MacAllisters paid a surprise visit to
>us,
Mike: [Daria] By the way, were you the one who gave David my
address?
> Mom and Dad said I did the right thing and that Mom's going to
>fight the detention that you, David and me got.
Crow: [Daria] I hope you've got the $10,000 to cover her
retainer.
Mike: Of course, by the time the suit makes its way through
court, Daria'll be in grad school.
> Not only that, David
>wants me to be his campaign manager for his bid to become Student
>Government President."
>
>"You're kidding!," Jane said in shock.
>
Mike: [Jane] I thought he was hiring Dick Morris!
>"Nope, I'm afraid not," Daria said.
>
>"You know, I think he's developing a crush on you," Jane said.
>
Crow: You think the French kiss tipped her off?
>"Jane," Daria shot back, "you know I'm in love with Trent!"
>
Crow: I wonder where Tom Sloan is?
Mike: He probably slipped Pete a twenty to keep him out of this
story.
>"So, I'm madly in love with Jesse," Jane said, "but I love a lot of
>other guys as well."
>
Tom: [Jane] Come on, try having affairs with several people! It's
really neat!
Crow: [Jane] And that doesn't even include all of the girls!
Woo!
>When they got to the grounds of the school, they were surprised to see
>David standing on top of a cardboard box,
Mike: Seems kind of flimsy. I miss the good old days of soap boxes.
Tom: Don't we all. But don't you see - they're silencing us! It's all
part of the *conspiracy!*
Crow: I kind of doubt we'll see an X-Files crossover now, Tom. Hey, we
probably won't even see the Lone Gunmen.
> with a knot of other Special
>Education students huddled around him.
>
Tom: [David] Step right up, folks! Step right up and take your
guess at where the ball is! One signature on my petition
for a play! Step right up here!
Mike: Poor kid... can't even afford a real soapbox... *sniff*
>"What's this all about?," Daria said to Jane.
>
Mike: Looks like David is setting up things alright without the
aid of his campaign manager, hmmm?
>"Who knows," Jane replied, "but when I went on my morning run, I did
>notice he was setting something up."
>
Tom: It took a long, long time to get that cardboard box positioned
*just* right.
>They drew nearer, and then saw what was happening: David was giving a
>speech announcing that he was throwing his hat into the ring.
>
Mike: Eddie Rickenbacker would be proud.
>"My fellow Special Education students," he began,
Tom: [David] Lend me your Ritalin!
> "we have endured the
>yoke of bondage for far too long.
Crow: [David] I am sick of being cast in Madonna videos!
> We have been herded into the
>'Ghetto' and kept segregated from the rest of the school against our
>will.
Tom: [random student] Against our will? I thought this was part of
our normal schedule! What gives?
> The other students keep picking on us.
Mike: So ending the separation just gives them a better shot.
> The administration keeps
>turning a deaf ear to our pleas.
Tom: [David] If I'm elected, *I'll* be the one turning that deaf
ear!
> When trouble occurs, we get blamed
>for it and then get stiffer punishments than if it was done by the
>normal students.
Crow: [David] If I'm elected, I'll give stiffer punishments to
the normal students! HA!
> My friends, it's time to end this prejudice.
Mike: [David] I mean, c'mon! It's already a quarter past ten!
>Therefore, I've decided to enter the race for Student Government
>President.
Crow: [David] Before you start snickering, listen for a moment...
> If I'm elected, I will push to have Special Education
>students have permanent representation in Student Government so we can
>finally have a meaningful voice in school affairs.
Tom: The same way Miss America has a say in foreign policy.
> Once we have that
>voice, we will no longer be ignored by the rest of the school.
Tom: [David] No matter how stupid our demands will be!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
>Therefore, I want all of you to sign my petition.
Crow: [David] It's to get the Game Show Network added to basic cable.
> I need at least 250
>signatures so I can submit it to the general office by the deadline
>this Friday.
Mike: [David] Of course, I need 1,000 to get on the ballot, but
hey, you have to walk before you can run!
> We can make a difference! Join me in my noble crusade!"
>
Crow: Unfortunately, David was being literal, and six weeks later
the Lawndale High Students found themselves in the Holy
Land, facing down Saladin's army.
>There was thunderous applause. Then the students began lining up to
>sign the petition.
>
Tom: [David] That's it... that's all you have to sign... that and
your SOUL! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
>David saw Daria and Jane.
>
Crow: He was instantly jealous.
Tom: Don't make this a slash fic, Crow. Please.
>"Ladies and gentlemen, please meet my campaign manager, Daria
>Morgendorffer!," he said. They surrounded her and Jane.
>
Crow: [chanting] Gooble gobble, gooble gobble, one of us, one
of us!
Tom: She's surrounded by political activists! o/~ La la,
LA-la la! o/~
>"Oh, boy, we're in for it now!," Jane said.
>
Mike: No doubt they all wanna French kiss Daria.
>Suddenly, Quinn and the rest of the Fashion Club arrived, with Sandi,
>the club president, leading the way.
>
Crow: It's Sandi Rock and the Fashion-Happy Heathers of Easy Company!
>"Oh, look at all those loser retarts!," Sandi said.
>
Mike: o/~ Where do they all come from? All the loser retarts.
Where do they all belong? o/~
>"And who's the guy with them?," Stacy, the club secretary said.
>
Tom: [Quinn] It looks like Ken Griffey, Jr. But why?
>"That's that David MacAllister geek, the one who's running for Student
>Government President," Quinn replied.
>
Mike: [Quinn] He claims to have invented the internet.
>"I'll handle this, Quinn!," Sandi said. She approached the crowd.
>
Tom: [Sandi] Watch me alienate a part of the school with one
single laugh!
>"Hey, listen up, you dumb retarts," Sandi began, "you're just wasting
>your time! David MacAllister is not going to win. And you want to know
>why?
Mike: [Sandi] Because he doesn't go to this school! He's supposed
to be over at McKinley!
> Because I'm going to win! I'm also going to enter the race for
>Student Government President."
>
Crow: Yeah, because we all know how popular mean-spirited fashion
snobs are.
Tom: [Sandi] So tell your friends to vote for me, losers!
>Some of the Special Education students began to cower;
Crow: For they had seen Sandi's Nazgul hordes approaching.
> others were
>angry that she used the word "retart".
>
Mike: For even they knew the correct spelling and pronunciation
of the word.
Tom: Still others were upset that the promised crossover story
with "Charmed" hadn't materialized.
>"Do not be afraid of her," David said, "for we have God, might and
>right on our side!"
>
Crow: They're supported by Clapton, Evander Holyfield, and Rush
Limbaugh?
>"Like, what will all that do for you?," Sandi replied,
Tom: You get the moral high ground.
Crow: You can move heavy things.
Mike: Plus, if someone bugs you, you can have 'em smited with
a plague of frogs.
> "I've got good
>looks, popularity and good fashion sense on my side.
Crow: So in other words, she'll be trailed by geeky boys.
Mike: She'll have lots of fake, shallow hangers-on.
Tom: And she'll have to buy a whole new wardrobe every four weeks.
> So long, losers!"
Tom: [Sandi] And remember, vote for me! Oh wait, you can't vote.
Never mind.
>
>The Fashion Club left without any further comment.
>
Mike: For they'd lost their remaining pages of dialogue.
>"That Sandi has hit a new low," Daria said in dismay.
>
Crow: She's still nicer than McCain though.
>"If she was any more stuck-up, we'd have to use Draino on her," Jane
>replied.
>
Tom: So she's all hair and gunk?
Crow: Actually, that's pretty close.
>"I'm afraid not even that would change her personality," said Daria
>resignedly.
>
Mike: It might kill her, though.
>They now approached David.
>
Tom: [quietly] They must be careful not to startle the young cub,
lest it go into its fearsome whimper mode of attack...
Crow: Is this a story or a play-by-play commentary?
>"I have to admit," Daria said, "that was pretty brave of you standing
>up to Sandi and the rest of the Fashion Club like you did."
>
Mike: [David] Hey, this calls for a French kiss!
>"It won't be the last time I'll run into opposition like that during
>this campaign," David confessed.
Tom: Bless me, Father Daria.
> "I'm probably going to get a lot of
>grief before this is over."
>
Crow: It's an election, Charlie Brown!
Tom: Good grief!
Mike: Ooh! Foreshadowing!
>They now headed into the school building. Just how much grief David
>was going to face was not yet known, but would soon manifest itself
>rather brutally.
Mike: Yes, soon the grief that was not yet known to be existing would
be found available there for all of them.
Crow: Oh, sure - kill the suspense!
Tom: But at least we've got brutality to look forward to!
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>According to the campaign rules, candidates had to have a table set up
>and ask for people to sign their nominating petition during their free
>time.
Tom: Wandering the halls aimlessly and throwing yourself at random
passersby was no longer allowed.
Crow: Boy! All it takes is one irresponsible person to screw it up
for the rest of us!
> Of course, having been hit with detention, David was not going
>to have any free time.
Tom: Even before or after school? How about lunch?
> However, that was about to change.
>
Mike: Bwahahahahaha?
>Daria, David and Jane all had second period free.
Tom: But - but - but he just said...
Crow: You're obsessing again, Tom.
Tom: But he contradicted himself within *two* *frigging*
*sentences*!!! He can't - how - why...
Mike: Don't do it, honey - just relax and breathe deeply, okay?
> They both had two
>free periods this day, but David had to use up both of his for his
>detention time, while Daria and Jane had to use only one.
Tom: ==INTENSE== **SCHEDULING** ##INACTION##!
Crow: They can decide which period to take the detention? What?
> They decided
>to use the earlier of the two so that at least they could begin to get
>some signatures going for David.
>
Mike: David MacAllister for President! He may be serving time, but
who isn't nowadays?
>The three of them were going to the detention room when they saw a
>rather unusual sight.
Crow: Why is Kevin running around in his underwear?
Tom: Must be the beginning of the football season.
> Ms. Li was standing at the door, with what
>looked like a bailiff from the City Court presenting papers to her.
>
Crow: Richard Moll makes a very special guest appearance.
>"Ms. Li," the bailiff said, "I have here a temporary injunction
>against yourself and this school preventing you from carrying out the
>detention against Ms. Daria Morgendorffer, Ms. Jane Lane and Mr. David
>MacAllister."
>
[All snicker.]
Tom: [Bailiff] Also, here's a court order preventing the Fashion Club
from making fun of people who mix checks and stripes.
>"WHAT!," Ms. Li roared;
Tom: Quick! Start up 'Dark Side of the Moon'!
Mike: [Bailiff, sighing] I... HAVE A... TEMPORARY... INJUNCTION...
Crow: [Ms. Li] Shucks, I thought my somewhat controversial sentencing
would go unnoticed! What is with this country? These stupid
rules...
> "On whose authority is this being done?"
>
Tom: MTV.
>"It was so ordered by the judge at the request of the student's
>attorney, Mrs. Helen Morgendorffer," said the bailiff. "If you try to
>defy this injunction, you will be held in contempt of court, and you
>will go to jail."
>
Crow: You will go directly to jail.
Mike: You will *not* pass "Go".
Tom: You will *not* collect $200.
>"And how long will this temporary injunction last?," Ms. Li wanted to
>know.
>
Crow: Until the fanfic is over, or until the plot spirals out of
control to the point where not even the author knows what
he's talking about. Whichever one comes first.
>"Until the matter is decided in court," said the bailiff, now
>presenting a summons to Ms. Li asking her to be in court in a civil
>suit against the school for violating the civil rights of Daria, Jane
>and David.
Mike: Guerin-ism #501: If possible, discuss the possibility of
suing someone, and, if possible, do so.
> "You are also hereby summoned to appear in court in this
>matter. If you do not show up, you will be held in contempt of court."
>
Tom: You'll also have to talk to Doug Llewllyen on your way out.
>"I'm not saying another word!,"
Crow: Well, that's one character down...
Tom: Several dozen more to go.
> Ms. Li said; "I'm referring this
>matter to the school district's attorney!"
>
Mike: Wow! She's about to bring in a nameless legal character
of her own!
Crow: That was 9 more words.
Tom: Shh!
>"As you wish," the bailiff said.
Crow: Ahhh! It's the Dread Pirate Wesley!
> "Have a nice day."
>
Tom: It's the little touches that make the bailiff so
likeable.
Mike: I think there must be some sick, twisted irony the
cops enjoy every time they say that.
>The bailiff left and Ms. Li went to the three students.
>
Tom: [Ms. Li] You saw the way that bailiff was looking at
me! I need a witness!
>"You may have won this round," Ms. Li hissed,
Crow: The part of Ms. Li will be played by Kaa.
> "but you haven't won the
>entire fight yet!
Tom: [Ali] I want Joe Frazier! I want Joe Frazier!
Mike: [Daria] Hey, you're not supposed to say another word!
Bailiff!
> It looks like I have no choice but to suspend your
>punishment until this matter is resolved. But I'll be watching you
>three like a hawk!"
>
Mike: Then why is she hissing? Is she some sort of mutant
hawk-snake?
Tom: [Ms. Li] And once I have enough evidence, I'll peck your eyes
out and feed you to my offspring!
>With that, Ms. Li left with a huff.
>
Crow: Brian Huff, who was there selling sub-grade lunch meat.
>"Lucky break for us," Daria said. "Perhaps this is one of the times I
>should go to Mom and tell her how much I love her."
>
Mike: [Daria] Of course, every time I do that, she always tells
me "You're not getting my Bud Light."
>"Don't kid yourself, Daria," Jane said; "you're just hanging there
>until you go to college."
>
Tom: [Daria] If you have a better idea on how I should be self-
sufficient I'd like to hear it.
>"Maybe you're right," Daria said, "but right now Mom's on top of my
>world."
>
Crow: And she's looking down on creation.
Tom: Well, it's the only explanation *I* can find.
>"So, what are we waiting for?," David said, "Let's get the petition
>drive going!"
>
Mike: No, please stay! I want to hear more of this scintillating
conversation!
>With that, the three of them decided to set up their table and get the
>petitions going.
Crow: As previously indicated.
Mike: [tapping his watch, if he had any] I'm still waiting for
something to happen. When are the Sailor Scouts going to
show up? Where are the Gunsmith Cats? Beavis and Butthead?
Heck, give us a crude and lame fart joke. Just...
SOMETHING!
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>It was now their second free period, and so far Daria, Jane and David
>had only gotten twelve signatures on the petition.
>
Tom: Hey, impressive. I heard that's more people than who voted
for Alan Keyes.
>"Man, at this rate I won't get 250 signatures before the deadline!,"
>moaned David.
>
Mike: [David] Oh, why couldn't I just stick with only the lawsuit?
This is more boring than a vote recount!
>"Don't give up hope just yet," Jane said.
>
>"I bet that's what Leonardo DiCaprio's character told Kate Winslet's
>just before the 'Titanic' finally went down for the last time,"
>sneered Daria.
>
Mike: And in the sequel, he and Kate meet on the Hindenberg!
Crow: She dampens Jane and David's hopes! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~
>Just then, a boy that David knew--who had Down's Syndrome and was in
>his resource class--went up to the table.
>
Mike: [boy] Hi, could you tell me where they're selling tickets
for the high school dance next week?
>"Hi, David," the boy said.
>
>"Hey, Andrew, what's up?," David said.
>
Crow: Whazzup!
>"I want to sign the petition," Andrew said.
>
>"Sure, go right ahead," David said.
>
Tom: Couldn't they use another verb there? That's four in
a row!
>Andrew took up a pen and signed his name on the petition.
>
Tom: Man! The bone-blistering action just never stops!
Mike: There! Now Fat George can read it without his glasses!
>"Thanks a lot, Andrew," David said. "By the way, this is my campaign
>manager, Daria Morgendorffer, and her friend, Jane Lane."
>
Tom: [David] Don't French kiss them. Or big hug them. They're not
very enthusiastic.
>"Nice to meet you, Daria, Jane," Andrew said.
>
>"Same here," Daria said.
>
Tom: Okay, that's seven in a row now! Stated, suggested, added,
mentioned, declared! Use one!
>"I'll see you later, Andrew," David said as Andrew went down the hall.
>
Tom: ARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
Crow: [Andrew] Look, I just signed the petition, I didn't ask to
be included in your stupid mailing list!
>Unbeknownst to anyone, some players on the Lawndale Lions football
>team has seen Andrew sign the petition.
Tom: Well, la-di-da about them. People see people do lots of things.
> Sandi had asked them to keep
>an eye on the petition tables and take any action necessary to stop
>anyone who would sign David's petition.
Mike: So far, they had glared at three kids, beaten four more up,
bought ice cream for 18 others, and bombed Cambodia twice.
> So far, they managed to scare
>some Special Education students away from the petition area, and now
>they were going to teach Andrew a lesson.
>
Crow: [grimly] A lesson ... IN TRIGONOMETRY!
Mike: Wouldn't it have been more efficient if they'd stopped him
from signing in the first place?
>They now got up to him and surrounded him.
>
Crow: Beating him up won't erase his name from the petition,
dickweeds.
>"Hey, retart!," one hulking guy said, "did you just sign that retart
>David MacAllister's petition?"
>
Tom: [Andrew] No, your eyes were deceiving you. It was actually
my other personality, Sparky, who signed the petition...
[sighing] what DID you think?
>"Yes, I did," Andrew said.
Mike: Would you sign ours too? We're trying to get Mayor
McCheese recalled.
> "Is it any of your business?"
>
Crow: [player] As a matter of fact, we represent Nike's Fountain Pen
division, and we want to offer you an endorsement deal.
>"It is to us!," said another player. "We don't retarts like you and
>David on our Student Government!"
>
>"Maybe you're the ones with the problem and not me!," said Andrew.
>
Tom: [Andrew] So stick THAT in your jockstrap and burn it!
>"We don't take sass from retarts like you!," said the first football
>player.
Tom: "Sass"?
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, your Lawndale High Fighting Grandmas!
> "Now we're going to teach you a lesson you won't ever forget!"
>
Mike: By beating him up? I don't get it. It doesn't change anything.
Tom: These are bullies, Mike. They think their fist answers all of
life's problems. TV's broken? BAP! Conflict with other family?
WHACK! Need to crack a walnut? KA-PLOW! That's all there is
to it.
>They now grabbed him and began to hit him. Daria, Jane and David saw
>them throw frightening punches into him.
>
Crow: No more friendly, endearing punches. We're escalating!
Mike: Why couldn't this have been Adam Sandler instead?
Tom: After a while, they realized the Judys would be more
effective at frightening him into submission.
>"We've got to help him!," David said.
>
Tom: [whimpers] Make it stop!
>"We got lucky yesterday," Daria said; "We'll push our luck if we
>interfere now!"
>
Crow: And Andrew will be disqualified and they'll retain the
tag team belts!
Mike: You've got those super-martial arts powers - use 'em!
Tom: Come on, you know you wanna kick their crotches!
>"But he's getting beaten up!," David yelled.
>
Crow: [Daria] *sigh* Fine, I'll go kick them in their crotches,
but I'm *really* trying to cut back on this, okay?!?
>Suddenly, one of the football players felt someone tap him on the
>shoulder. He turned around and saw someone punch him out cold.
>
Tom: Proof of out-of-body experiences! Call James Randi!
Mike: Boy, what a lucky time to have an out-of-body experience.
Crow: Out-of-body experiences can strike without warning.
>"It's not nice to pick on someone like him!," said a rather familiar
>voice.
>
Tom: It's the Hawaiian Punch mascot! And he's out for blood!!
AIIIEEE!!
>Daria knew that voice rather well.
Mike: It kept telling her what she did last summer.
> It was none other than Andrea, the
>school's Goth girl.
Crow: 'Cause they only had one.
> She now stepped out of the shadows and lunged
>right for the others.
>
Tom: [football player] Run! She'll get black lipstick on us!
>"C'mon, I dare you to fight me!," Andrea yelled at the others.
>
Mike: [Andrea] I don't have a crotch to kick, so I'll be MORE
than you bargained for!
>The other football players suddenly got chicken and ran away;
Crow: KFC's new lunchroom drive-thru was a rousing success!
> seeing
>one of their own get punched out stone cold was convincing enough.
>
Tom: Stone Cold Andrea Austin?
Mike: [random football player] She can sucker punch someone! RUN!
Crow: They really need to go to those seminars Tom Cruise held in
"Magnolia".
>"Hey, Andrew, you all right?," Andrea said.
>
>"Yeah, Andrea, I'm OK," Andrew said.
>
Tom: "Andrew" and "Andrea"? Uh-oh.
Mike: Undisclosed familial relationship off the port bow, cap'n!
>Daria, Jane and David were surprised that Andrea knew this person.
Crow: Andrea being the only person in school who makes Daria look
like a social butterfly.
>They went up to them.
>
Mike: They walk across the room! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~
>"Andrea, you know this person?," Daria said.
>
Crow: [Andrea] Yes. Are you surprised?
Mike: It *is* good that they see him as a person, but they
*could* use his name a little more often.
>"Yeah," Andrea replied; "he's my brother."
>
Tom: So, do you know him or not?
>"I didn't knew you had a brother," Jane said.
>
Mike: [Andrea] Well, until my agent met with a Mr. Guerin,
neither did I.
>"Well, most people don't bother to ask, since he's mostly in the
>'Ghetto'," Andrea said. "I look out for him all the time."
>
Mike: [Andrea] Except when I'm not in the ghetto, which is
most of the time.
>"Funny," Daria began to think,
Tom: Then she decided to stop thinking and just coast.
> "Andrea's not ashamed to admit that
>Andrew's her own brother while Quinn's embarrassed to acknowledge me
>as her sister. What a weird world."
>
Tom: Yes, odd world when we try to compare apples to oranges, or
the New York Rangers to the New York Yankees.
Crow: Yes, odd how an unpopular kid can admit some things and a
popular one can't. Who'd have thunk it?
>Suddenly, a crowd had gathered. It was mainly Special Education
>students from the 'Ghetto'.
>
Mike: And the Harlem Globetrotters were there too.
Tom: Suddenly? What, did they all run in there at once?
>"Are they gone, Andrea?," one of them asked.
>
Crow: [motherly] Don't worry, the dumb jocks won't
bother you anymore!
>"Yeah, the coast is clear," Andrea answered them.
>
Mike: [Andrea] Except for the wreck of the Argo over
there, by the screaming Argonauts. Jason didn't
make it, I'm afraid.
>"You mean to tell me you knew this was going on?," Daria said.
>
>"Well, after a few students told me that there was some football
>players menacing them, I decided to take some action," Andrea said;
Crow: [Andrea] But not after letting my bro risk himself first!
Ain't that right, bait, er, bro?
>"It looks like it worked. Now you'll get your signatures, David. And,
>by the way, perhaps you want to take me on as your security chief?
>
Tom: Yes, hulking football players will run in terror when
confronted by Gilly and Walden!
>"Sure, why not?," David replied.
Mike: Because it's contrived and ridiculous and out of
character?
> They shook hands.
>
Tom: [David] It was either you or Jerry Doyle, but you can
actually kick butt, so I'm convinced!
>Now they began to line up and sign the petition. By the time the
>period was over, David had about three hundred signatures, more than
>enough to be placed on the ballot.
Crow: Unfortunately, 285 of those came from Upchuck, who
kept stopping by to hit on Daria.
> Now it was a matter of handing it
>in to the general office.
Mike: What further diabolical ideas does Sandi have in store on
their trip to the office? Tune in and find out!
Crow: Besides, he's perpetuating the myth that anyone who dresses
in black and listens to Marilyn Manson is a goth. Most goths
are as obsessed with style as the Fashion club and they
loathe Manson.
Tom: And that's One To Grow On!
[A star with a rainbow trailing it flashes across the screen.]
Crow: Thanks Cambot!
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>News of the football players' actions soon reached Mack, who was
>captain of the team, as well as Kevin Thompson, the star quarterback.
Tom: Soon afterwards it reached other people, such as Jackie Chan...
Mike: Queen Latifah...
Crow: F. Lee Bailey...
Mike: Jeff Gordon...
Crow: Leah Rehmini...
Tom: Garrett Morris...
>They, along with Kevin's girlfriend, head cheerleader Brittany Taylor,
>were at the cafeteria when the word came.
Crow: I feel like I'm reading the stage directions for an Ed
Wood film.
> Suddenly, the coach of the
>team ran in, and asked for Mack and Kevin.
>
Mike: [Coach] Mack! Kevin! The dam has burst! Run for your lives!
>"I've just heard that some of the players were seen beating up on a
>Special Education student who was signing David MacAllister's petition
>to run for Student Government President!," the coach said to Mack.
>"Did either you or Kevin sanction this?"
>
Crow: [Kevin] Is that like the hunchback dude in that Disney film?
He was cool!
>"I'd never tell the players on my team to do any sort of hooliganism
>like that!," Mack defended himself.
>
Mike: [Coach] What about the European match between Manchester United
and Liverpool?
Tom: [Mack] Uhhhh... look, I was going to drink that Molotov cocktail
that slipped from my fingers. Honest!
>"Gee, this is the first I'm hearing of this, Coach!," Kevin said.
>
Mike: [Coach] Well, I trust you completely, so I'll just rant
about it some more.
>"There were some eyewitnesses, and they said that they saw who did it.
>It was the entire defensive backfield!,"
Crow: Ray Lewis, how could you?
> the coach continued. "If you
>didn't order them to do this, who did?"
>
Crow: Michael Irvin?
Tom: [Kevin] It was the little men in the saucer, coach! We gotta
line our helmets with tinfoil or we're doomed!
>"Beats me, Coach!," Mack said.
>
>"I already knew who did it, I want to know who ordered it!," the coach
>said;
Tom: Is he sure they were ordered to do this?
Mike: [Coach] My players? Free will? What's that?
> "I'm already benching them for the opening game this Saturday;
>I'll kick them off the team unless I know who ordered them to beat up
>that kid!
Mike: I take it a simple suspension is not needed in this school
bureaucracy.
> You're my two best players,
Tom: ...which speaks volumes about the quality of Lawndale
High's sports programs.
> so I want you to get to the
>bottom of this! Is that understood?"
>
Mike: [guffaw] Nice to know football prowess equals investigative
acumen.
Crow: This fall on NBC - "Marino and Montana - PI's"!
>"Yes, Coach!," said both Mack and Kevin.
>
Mike: [Coach] And don't call me Chief - oh, wait, you didn't.
>"Good!," the coach said; "I want the name of that person by the end of
>the day Friday, or there will be no defensive backfield at Saturday's
>game!"
Crow: [Coach] I'm sure the other team will be happy to play without
their backfield, too. After all, fair's fair, right?
> The coach then left.
>
Mike: Having fulfilled his plot-advancing duties.
Tom: The coach was quickly fired and replaced by someone
more committed to the game.
>Brittany now approached Mack and Kevin, staring into space and
>twirling her hair.
>
Crow: [Kevin] Oh, great. She's channeling again. Mack, get
ready to meet Xanthar.
>"Oh, Kevin!," Brittany said, "What was that all about?"
>
Tom: [Kevin] You saw nothing! Nothing, I tells ya!
Crow: [Brittany] But there's this big, bone shaped thing hovering
above us!
>"Apparently, someone told the defensive backfield to beat up on some
>Special Education student who signed David MacAllister's petition to
>run for Student Government President!," Kevin replied.
>
Mike: I'm betting it was Pat Buchanan.
Crow: Wow! He remembered all that for a record time!
Tom: I think we're all rather proud of our Kevvy right now.
>"Now the coach wants to know who ordered them to do it, or they'll be
>kicked off the team!," Mack added.
>
Tom: [Mack] Which means we forfeit the game. Woo hoo! Free
time off!
>"Oh, that poor David boy!," Brittany squealed;
Mike: Actually it was Andrew who was beaten up.
> "What exactly is wrong
>with him?"
>
Tom: He's just badly written.
>"Gee, I wish I knew, Cupcake!," Kevin said.
>
Tom: He's talking to pastries now?
Crow: Next he'll be talking to pizza dough.
>"It's because of ignorance like that is why people like David get
>persecuted," Mack said. "My father told me about how my grandfather
>had to fight racial prejudice in his day. He fought long and he fought
>hard, but he began to change those attitudes.
Crow; [Mack] And in 1997, he finally succeeded.
Tom: Now are you gonna start being more loving and tolerant, or
do I hafta muss you up some more?
> Prejudice against the
>mentally challenged like David is kind of the same way. All David is
>asking for is a chance to be a part of society, to be treated like a
>human being."
>
Crow: Why, David, why? Humans don't get very good treatment.
Tom: Yeah, they get knocked down, talked about, spat on, and
generally shafted. David should want to be a bot like us!
>"Well, Mack," Kevin said, "we do treat you and Jodie pretty well. You
>know we don't have a prejudiced bone in us."
>
Mike: [Kevin] Not since the operation, anyway.
>"Yeah, then why do you and the others treat people like Daria and Jane
>the way you do?," Mack found himself saying.
>
Mike: [Kevin] Because they're pawns of the bourgeois running dog
elites. Duh, Mack Daddy.
>"Well, er, um," Kevin was fumbling to himself.
>
Mike: Still, better that than someone else recovering the fumble.
>"Well, it because Daria and Jane are both geeks and are too smart for
>their own good!," shot in Brittany.
>
Crow: Ah. William F. Buckley Syndrome.
>"Now I know your brains are right in there!," Mack said, pointing at
>Brittany's breasts.
>
All: Hey!
Crow: Well, Mack's no better. He's prejudiced against ditzy
blondes!
>"Well, I never!,"
All: Yeah, right.
> Brittany said, now on the verge of tears at that
>insult. "C'mon, Kevin, let's get out of here! I want to cry!
>WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
>
Crow: [startled] What? Is a house on fire? Did someone break
into the White House? Is there a car chase? What, what,
WHAT?
>She and Kevin left.
>
>"Uh, see you at practice, I think, Mack Daddy!," said a bewildered
>Kevin.
>
Mike: But he left already!
Tom: Maybe he's got a cell phone.
>"Don't call me that!," shot back Mack.
Mike: [Mack] Call me "Air Mack" or "M. Diddy"!
> He then added to himself, "Man,
>the way Brittany carries on, she'd make C-ko Kotobuki from 'Project A-
>ko' look well-behaved!"
>
Tom: Kevin Williamson must have been called in to punch this up
with all these "witty" pop-culture references.
Crow: Aw, nuts. I was all set with a hilarious comment for when his
anime reference turned out to be from "Kimagure Orange Road."
Mike: If you say so. The only C-ko I know anything about is
a watch.
>Mack found himself shuffling out of the cafeteria
Crow: Poor Mack. Life is crushing his exuberance.
> and toward the
>industrial arts wing of the school.
Mike: Mack's just following the sound of band saws and screams
as limbs are lopped off.
Tom: Why Study Industrial Arts 2: Through The Portal of Time!
> He passed by one room, which was
>not having any classes being held at that moment. He stopped when he
>heard some voices.
Tom: "Get out!" they urged. "Get OUT of the fanfic while you can!"
> Apparently an emergency meeting of the Fashion Club
>was being held.
Crow: In the Industrial Arts wing? Riiiight...
> He could hear the deep, annoying, stuck-up voice of
>Sandi drone on:
>
Mike: [hushed] I hear snooty people.
Tom: [Sandi] Like, I'm Sandi of Borg. Resistance is futile, I guess.
>"Like, it seems that the football players that I asked to rough up
>those who were going to sign David MacAllister's petition got the tar
>beaten out of them by Andrea and have been found out.
[Tom hovers sideways for a moment, then back down.]
Tom: Anyone care to guess how that sentence was constructed?
Crow: With baling wire and spit, I imagine.
> Now we're going
>to have to take some other course of action."
>
Mike: But first Sherri's birthday card.
Crow: Ah, this scene asks the most vital question: "What plot
point shall we spill out today?"
>"Well," Quinn said, "I do have one surefire way we can get rid of our
>problems."
>
Crow: [Quinn] Let's put on a show! We can hold it in my folk's
garage and we can invite everyone from the neighborhood...
>"Like, how, Quinn?," Sandi said.
>
Mike: With trendy Redrum heroin!
Tom: Mike! No!
>At this point, Mack couldn't resist and stuck his head near the door.
>
Tom: [Mack] Oh, I hope they talk about customizing their
wardrobe!
>"Well," Quinn said, "When my cousin Daria and I were living in
>Highland,
Crow: [Quinn] There was this creepy guy named McLeod, and he
got killed, but he didn't really or something, and
*any*how, now he just wanders around, fondling his
sword and mumbling stuff about how there can be only
one, and something about Sean Connery and stuff.
> there was this tough guy everyone knew called Todd.
Mike: [Sandi] Well, sure! Todd!
Crow: [Stacy] We know who he is!
Tom: [Tiffany] Todd. Duh.
> He's got
>a reputation for taking no crap from anyone, and he's done some hard
>time.
Mike: He's watched all of Jerry Bruckheimer's movies.
> However, finding him out is kind of difficult;
Tom: [Quinn] He's in another show.
Crow: [Sandi] So? Crossovers aren't hard, fanfic authors do
them all the time!
> the only ones who
>know where to find him are those two morons
Tom: Tom Green and Johnny Knoxville?
> Beavis and Butt-Head."
>
Tom: Well, I was close.
Mike: I wonder if they'll die like in "Mommy Nuffin Doing
Bubblegum"?
Crow: Maybe it'll be a Guerin tradition in his fanfics!
>"Like, EW!, Quinn!," Sandi said;
Crow: What does Entertainment Weekly have to do with this?
Tom: They're going to force them to read it?
> "Like I've heard about those two!
>They give me the creeps!"
>
Mike: [Sandi] Their music videos are horrible!
>"If you want to end the 'David Problem,' Quinn continued, "we need
>those two to find Todd, so he can teach David his place in the order
>of things here in Lawndale High!"
>
Mike: How about running a good political campaign? Ever thought
of that?
Tom: Lemme guess, they'll get Todd to beat up people who voted
for David AFTER they voted.
Crow: Is anyone else reminded of the nutso plots the CIA came
up with to kill Castro?
>"Like, OK, already!," Sandi said. "So, where do we find Beavis and
>Butt-Head?"
>
Mike: [Quinn] They usually hang out at the Highland museum for
Modern Art. They're big fans of post-industrialism.
>"We'll take the bus to Highland after class and find them," said
>Quinn. "Odds are they'll go to the EZ-Mart and get nachos."
>
Tom: In fact, the odds are 3-2, with 5-1 on going to the Circle
K and getting a corndog, 9-2 for going to McDonalds for
fries, and 250-1 they'll go to Chez Francois and order
Lobster Thermidor.
>"Quinn, like you're so smart," purred Tiffany, the club treasurer.
>
Mike: Oooh, she's catty.
>"Yeah, like you think of everything!," agreed Stacy, the club
>secretary.
>
Tom: [Stacy] Like, you're scaring me, Quinn.
>"Then, it's settled," Sandi said. "We'll leave after the last class."
>
>Suddenly, Sandi had the feeling that someone was snooping on the
>Fashion Club.
Crow: [Sandi] My superficial-snob sense is tingling!
> Mack saw her get up. He ran out of the wing and to the
>main hallway before she got to the door.
>"Funny, but like I thought someone was snooping on us!," Sandi said.
>
Mike: [Sandi] Maybe we should've held this secret meeting in a
secret place... nah!
>"It was probably just your imagination!," Quinn said.
>
Tom: [Quinn] Just like those elves you said were in that
lunchbox at the corner of the room.
Crow: [Sandi] But they're there, I tell you! Honest!
>"Are you doubting me, Quinn?," shot back Sandi. "It's bad enough that
>you're cuter than me and get all the guys' attention! Now you're
>trying to usurp me?"
>
Mike: [Sandi] Like, Cardinal Richelieu put you up to this, didn't
he?
>"No, I wasn't!," defended Quinn.
>
Mike: Not a very effective defense, is it?
Crow: Well, she's just started her legal fashion studies.
>"You'd better not, or else--"
>
Tom: [Sandi] I'll send the quarterbacks after you!
>Sandi made a cutting motion across her throat.
Mike: She'll cut off all the necks on her sweaters?
> Quinn gulped hard at
>that remark.
>
Tom: Hmm... all of a sudden, the Fashion Club becomes a tinpot
dictatorship!
Crow: Yep. There'll be Marines swarming through here any
minute now.
>"In the meantime," Sandi said, "we're going to have to challenge
>David's petition, try to get it knocked out on some technicality. Is
>everyone in agreement on that?"
>
Mike: For someone who's not afraid of David's running, she sure
seems eager to get rid of him.
Tom: The wonderful world of politics, ladies and gentlemen.
Crow: People, it's just a frigging Student Council election!
>Every member of the Fashion Club nodded her head in agreement. For
>David MacAllister, the battle was about to get more difficult.
Crow: Guerin-ism #726: State the obvious before going to the next
scene.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Mack found Daria, Jane, Andrea and David. They were going to submit
>David's petition to the general office.
>
Mike: Are they doing it in slow-motion or something?
>"Daria! Jane! Andrea! David! I've got to talk to you!," Mack said.
>
Crow: [Mack] Preferably all at once!
>"What's up, Mack?," Daria asked him.
>
Tom: o/~ What's cooking? What's up, Mack? Are you looking... o/~
>"I was just down at the industrial arts wing, and there was an
>emergency meeting of the Fashion Club," Mack said.
>
Mike: Oh, the horror! A MEETING!
Crow: [Mack] They were deciding if sawdust or lead solder was
cooler.
>
>"So?," Daria asked.
>
Mike: [Mack] They're trying to bring back bell-bottoms!
>"So," Mack continued, "I overheard everything. Apparently, Sandi asked
>those football players to harass anyone who was going to sign David's
>petition.
Tom: [Mack] I'm supposed to tell the coach, but I figured letting
you guys know instead would get the story moving faster,
so...
Crow: The reaction? Dull sur-... you know.
> When they found out that their plan was spoiled, they
>decided to go to Highland and ask someone named Todd to teach David a
>'lesson'".
>
Mike: [Mack] Something about impressionistic art and the difference
between a Monet and a Manet.
>"Oh, no! Not Todd!,"
Tom: [Daria] Not Todd, the ill-considered playing card!
Mike: Now don't ridicule Todd!
Crow: That's okay, Mike. Todd is better than that.
> Daria said in shock. "I know him from when I used
>to live in Highland. Those two idiots Beavis and Butt-Head hang out
>with him all the time."
>
Crow: If by "hang out" you mean "get their asses kicked every time
he sees them".
>"Is this Todd person bad?," David asked.
>
Tom: Well, on the day he was born, the nurses all gathered
around, but one spoke up and said "Leave that boy
alone!" She knew right away he was bad to the bone.
>"Let's just say that if you do meet him," Daria warned, "you'd better
>make sure that your insurance is paid up."
>
Crow: My God, he's an All-State sales rep!
>"I guess we're going to have to beat the Fashion Club to the punch,
>aren't we?," Jane said.
>
Mike: [Daria] Why? Is the Berry Hawaiian Blue really THAT tasty?
>Daria began to divine what Jane was going to say next:
>
Tom: The sheep entrails were somewhat murky, but gave her
a general idea.
>"Let me guess, Jane: You're going to suggest we ask your brother Trent
>to drive us to Highland and find Beavis and Butt-Head and tell them
>not to tell the Fashion Club where Todd is."
>
Tom: [Jane] Um, no, I was gonna suggest we go grab a pizza then
make fun of some cheerleaders.
Crow: [Daria] Oh. Well, I like that better anyway.
>"How'd you know?," Jane asked.
>
Mike: [Daria] I can read your mind. Now stop thinking dirty
things or I'll do a "Scanners" on you.
>"A woman's intuition," Daria said with a self-satisfied smirk.
>
Crow: Expression number six!
Tom: She guesses the plot! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~
Mike: If she gets any more self-satisfied, Val Kilmer will
hunt her down and force her to watch "Island of Dr.
Moreau".
>They now went inside the general office and dropped off the petitions.
>Jane then went to a pay phone and called her house.
Mike: [Jane] Hi mom, I'm just off to see Beavis & Butthead... no,
I don't have a thing for them. They look really freaky...
no, I'm not going to kill them... yet.
Tom: Let's get out of here.
[They stand and exit.]
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