[MiSTing] Baby Go BOOM w/short: Success Guarenteed!!! pt. 1
FlamingHat
ever done, so I'd appreciate feedback. Even if it's just to tell me how much I
look like Lucky the Leperchaun. But I don't, really. They just say that to make
me angry. But I'm fine with it. Really. I can accept it. In any case, read on
if you're interested...
***(6 5 4 3 2 1)***
(opens on SOL)
MIKE: Hi everyone, welcome to the Satellite Of Love. Well, it’s that holiday
season again, and Tom’s written a heart-warming Christmas story he was just
about to share with us.
CROW: Alright, Servo, let’s get on with it.
SERVO: Okay, then. (clears throat) Here it is: Timmy, a six-year-old who lived
in the suburbs of Massachusetts, got excited every Christmas Eve. Every year,
he had told himself he would stay awake to see Santa Claus in person. Never,
though, had he ever actually done it. He would always fall asleep before Santa
came, and would then wake up the next morning to find dozens of presents under
the Christmas tree. This year, however, would be different.
At 1:00 AM, it was the latest he’d ever stayed awake, and he heard something
land on the roof of his house. He heard heavy footsteps, and knew Santa had
arrived. He raced down the stairs to the fireplace, above which he heard Santa
walking. This year he would get to see him, and would be able to tell all his
friends what he really looked like.
Timmy was surprised when the large figure coming down his chimney turned out
to be a buffalo in a tuxedo. The speechless boy looked up at the massive,
grunting creature, which was holding a bag of presents. The creature dumped the
presents under the Christmas tree, then hovered back up the chimney.
Timmy went sobbing into his parents’ room. When they asked him what was wrong,
he told them he’d just seen Santa Claus.
Timmy’s parents looked at each other, and sighed. "Don’t worry, Timmy,"said
the father. "This day comes for every little boy and girl eventually. It’s time
you knew the truth about Santa Claus."
The mother nodded. "You see, there is no one Santa. Hundreds of North American
bison are dressed up and sent from house to house, all across the globe. It may
not be what kids are taught about..."
"...but it’s very efficient," The father continued. "Most parents tell their
kids Santa is the jolly old man in the red suit until one day, when their child
finds out the truth for himself. I guess we knew this would happen in the near
future...but we really were hoping it wouldn’t be this year."
"W-why?" asked Timmy, somewhat calmed down.
"Well, this year, any child who finds out about Santa has to be executed by
the US government," the mother explained.
The father agreed. "Men with rifles should be here any minute now. In the
meantime, I’m going to try to get some more rest." Both he and the mother lied
down and fell asleep again.
Timmy, in a state of shock, went downstairs again to find soldiers already at
his front door.
"Sorry, son," said one of the soldiers, "but it’s for the good of the
country."
The boy was quickly shot down, then the soldiers left to do the same to other
children who had found out the truth about Santa Claus on this unfortunate
Christmas. The end. So? What do you think?
(long pause)
SERVO: Guys?
MIKE: Um, that was...it was good...uh...
CROW (in tears): Mike? Is Santa really a buffalo?
MIKE (soothing): No, dear, calm down. (looks at Tom) Oh, now see what you’ve
done??
(cuts to Castle Forrester)
PEARL: Well robots, for once you have managed to actaully warm my cold heart.
That story was absolutely beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, that I’m throwing
in a short with today’s story.
(cuts back to SOL)
SERVO: Oh, boy. Remind me never to warm anybody’s heart again.
CROW (still in tears): Mike, am I going to get killed by the government this
Christmas?
MIKE: No, no, of course not.
(cuts back to Castle Forrester)
PEARL: Your story today is titled “Baby Go BOOM!” and it’s written by that same
creative genius who did “Delusion of the Vampire”. I’m sure you’ll love it. And
the bonus short I’m throwing in is “Success Guarenteed!!!”, an internet
moneymaking scam-sort of-spam mail type thing, I don’t know, Brain Guy found
it. Merry Christmas, and enjoy.
(cuts back to SOL)
MIKE: ...no, Crow, for the last time, Santa isn’t...oh, we’ve got story sign!
CROW: Damn you, heartwarming Christmas storryyyyyy....
***(6 5 4 3 2 1)***
(cuts to theater)
>Success Guaranteed!!!
SERVO: Well, here we go. Another piece of junk e-mail trying to sell us
something useless.
CROW: Oh, fun.
>WARNING: THIS IS REAL !!
MIKE: Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.
CROW: Y'know, Mike, not enough people caution each other about reality anymore.
It's getting dangerous.
>Pass This Up Lightly And You'll Be Making One Of
>The Most Grave Mistakes Of Your Life
SERVO: "Grave", huh? Why doesn't that word seem to fit in a piece of junk
mail...
MIKE: Yeah, I don't consider deleting junk mail to be making a grave mistake.
>----FREE---------- FREE-------------- FREE--------------- FREE-----
CROW: So how much does it cost?
>Stealth Mail Bomber " unlocked " No Registration Required
SERVO: Oh, it's " unlocked ".
MIKE: I wouldn't think one would have to register an illegal program, anyway.
> Retails for $300 and up "This Bulk e-mail software will
> ** EXPLODE YOUR BUSINESS **
CROW: How can an illegal mail bomber have a retail price?
SERVO: Do I really want my business to explode?
>NO Tricks, NO Gimmicks, NO Changing Long-distance Carriers, NO Games
MIKE: Yeah, thanks for mentioning the "no changing long-distance carriers".
That was the part that really had me worried.
>----FREE---------- FREE-------------- FREE--------------- FREE-----
CROW: Yes, I think that's been stated already.
>ALL I DO IS MAIL OUT 10 OF THE EXACT SAME SALES LETTER EVERY DAY! !
SERVO: Wow, you reeeeaaallly need to get a life.
MIKE: Why is this guy coming to us with his loser problems?
>That is all that I do! I earn $140, $200, even $250 a day mailing out
>the exact same sales letter.
CROW: Boy, sounds like real fun!
SERVO: What's he trying to say?
>There is absolutely no catch or crazy gimmick
>involved here, I promise you.
MIKE: Oh, well then, of course I'll take YOUR word for it.
CROW: Of course, it might help a bit if we knew who you were.
>This has nothing whatsoever to do with
>any ridiculous envelope stuffing program, illegal chain-letter scam
>or worthless multi-level scheme!
SERVO: Jeez, sounds like he's really ticked off at those multi-level schemes.
MIKE: DAMN YOU, MULTI-LEVEL SCHEMES!!!!
CROW: Right, this is no illegal chain letter. We may be selling a mail-bombing
program for less than its retail price and keeping all the money for ourselves,
but trust us, it's not illegal!
>There is not an easier or simpler way to make $140 a day than this-there
>can't be-it's impossible!
SERVO: IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! THERE CAN'T BE!!!! GAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
MIKE: Sounds like this guy has some serious mental disorders here.
>If you would like to retire on $140 a day
>working only 1 -2 hours each day then listen up...
CROW: I find it hard to listen to e-mail.
SERVO: I'm listening...but I don't here anything...
>I tried every moneymaking plan under the sun.
MIKE: Then I found out about all those great moneymaking plans BEYOND the sun!
>After three years of
>constant attempts at striking it rich, I had done nothing but strike out.
CROW: Striking WHAT rich?
>I tried multi-level marketing... I failed!
SERVO: I failed! I failed miserably, like a piece of crap you could scrape off
the bottom of your shoe!
>I tried chain letters... They failed me!
MIKE: Oh, and this isn't a chain letter?
CROW: How did he decide it was the chain letters that failed him and not him
who failed the chain letters, just like he did with the multi-level marketing?
>I tried envelope stuffing... What a joke!
SERVO: A funny joke! Ha ha ha!
MIKE: Stuffing envelopes with what, exactly?
SERVO: Pudding?
>I tried nine other various business ventures...
CROW: ...which aren't worth mentioning like the envelope-stuffing was.
MIKE: So he's saying there are twelve moneymaking plans under the sun?
>I was a fool.
SERVO: You ARE a fool.
>I didn't make much money. I can admit it; I was not the
>greatest businessperson.
CROW: Oh, but you're much better now that you're selling illegal products to
every e-mail address you can find.
>I needed a way of making money that couldn't fail.
MIKE: Yes, I believe we got that basic idea by this point.
>I worked hard about 50 hours a week cleaning houses.
CROW: What the--?
>Many of my customers were very wealthy. One of which was a thirtyish guy who
>drove around in a Ferrari Testarossa. After cleaning his home he gave
>me the usual $20.00 tip and I asked him what he thought of the soap business.
SERVO: Well, I'm lost.
MIKE: We don't need your life story, thanks.
>He started laughing so hard.
CROW: He called me names and hurt my feelings!
>I'll never forget what he said, " Get a clue Darin. You want to sell
>soap door to door?
SERVO: Hey, that's a good idea.
>Did the fumes from your window cleaner go to your
>head or something?
CROW: Or were you inhaling them on purpose?
>Someday when you're serious about making
>money-real money-
MIKE: NOT Monopoly money like I've been paying you for the last few months...
>call me and I will take you to school."
SERVO: I can just see the guy now, really confused, wondering what exactly
"school" is.
CROW: He's gonna take him to school? Is that some kinda threat?
>I told him that I was ready now and he said, " I don't have time today,
>but think about this.
MIKE: If a tree falls in the middle of a forest, and no one is there to hear
it...
>Why sell soap? People all over town sell it.
SERVO: That's why this is called Soap City.
>No one could really care less where they got it.
CROW: Yes, including us, so could we move on here?
>Give people something
>that they want. I mean want badly, and be the only one with it.
CROW: People want soap...
SERVO: So he goes around killing off everyone else who sells soap.
MIKE: Something they want badly that only he has? That's kind of impossible for
everyone except Bill Gates...
>Think about that and come by the house tomorrow morning."
SERVO: Think about what?
CROW: What house?
>As he drove away, he stopped, smiled and said, " Wake up Darin, valuable
>information sells."
MIKE: You have to hack into secret government files and sell them on the black
market like everyone else who's successful does!
SERVO: Wait, "drove away"? I thought this was his house!
>I was dumbfounded. What did he mean? What was he
>talking about?
CROW: Good question.
>The next morning he gave me the information that would change my life!
SERVO: He made me look in the mirror!
MIKE: Ouch.
>In thirty minutes he showed me a little known method that anyone can use
>to start making over $140 a day.
MIKE: Little-known method of what, exactly?
>At first I was skeptical. Who wouldn't be?
CROW: Uh, we're a little beyond skeptical at this point...
>His proven method was like nothing I had ever seen or heard of before.
SERVO: Oh, so it's PROVEN!
MIKE: Proven by no one in particular, y'know, just sort of proven.
>Now I make over $140 a day working from home, at my leisure.
CROW: Thanks to that thirtyish guy whose house I cleaned.
>It's so simple. I sell information in a unique and exciting way. Every body
wants >it, and only I can provide it!
SERVO: Yeah, everybody wants it. Uh-huh.
MIKE: So did we really need to hear how this guy started selling this
mail-bomber? It's not gonna make us want to buy it any more.
CROW: For a while there, it sounded like it was gonna be one of those, "you can
make money just like I did!" ads. But no, that's just the story of how he got
to selling this crap, totally unrelated to the product itself.
>"$2,500 a month "Guaranteed!!"
SERVO: In unneeded quotation marks!
> All you have to do is mail out my
>special sales letter, which will be sent to you.
MIKE: Oh, so this wasn't it, then?
CROW: You mean we have to get ANOTHER e-mail from you?
>You simply mail out 10
>of these letters every day!
SERVO: No we don't...
>(10 letters mailed = 7 responses).
MIKE: No matter who we mail it to, 7 WILL respond.
>What I am trying to say here is that
>my special sales letter pulls 70% orders.
CROW: What happened to the mail-bomber?
SERVO: Very confusing...
>Almost every sales letter you mail will bring back $20! Other direct
>mailings get only 2% - 3% sales response, we get up to 70%!
MIKE: Up to 70%, but usually 2% - 3%.
>That's correct!
CROW: No it isn't!
>This sales letter is a powerful money magnet.
SERVO: But only this one.
>Its success has been fantastic.
MIKE: Oh yeah, give me a break.
>A test of your own will show that you will receive at least 7 customers for
>every 10 letters that you mail.
CROW: Well, or not...
>Fantastic but true.
SERVO: Just like Star Wars!
MIKE: What?
SERVO: Star Wars, y'know, "Luke, I am your fa--"
MIKE: That wasn't true, though...
SERVO: No, Mike, he really WAS his father...
MIKE: No, I mean, Star Wars wasn't a true story...
SERVO: When did I say it was?
MIKE: Wha...you just...ah, never mind.
>Now you can make a
>fortune all year round... every year.
CROW: I could make more money selling soap.
>The cost of my "Every-Day Cash Plan" is only $20.00, but it is worth
>much more than that because of its success.
MIKE: That was awkwardly put, but still makes some sense...I guess...
SERVO: Yeah, it's still a load of b.s.
>Don't let the price of my
>"Every-Day Cash Plan" fool you.
CROW: Wait, WE have to pay something???
>This is opportunity knocking!
MIKE: Open the door!
>Don't pass it by. You will not receive this offer again!
SERVO: Thank God.
>I'll send you everything to help you start making big money right away.
>I've compiled all of the information that you need to succeed in this
>business.
MIKE: Of course, we still don't know exactly what "this business" is, but...
>Still skeptical, huh??
CROW: Yes.
>Don't worry, it's only natural, but keep
>reading...
SERVO: There's more??? Damn...
>Try this test... send out 50 letters a week for a month... that's 200
>sales letters.
CROW: Wow, he can do math!
>You will receive about 140 responses on a steady flow.
MIKE: A steady flow? Wait, 140 responses over what period of time? Steady
according to what?
>This corresponds to about $3,200 a month if you only send out 50 letters
>a week!
CROW: See??? I can do math!!!
>The success of the "Every-Day Cash Plan" will blow your mind when
>you are receiving $20 checks and money orders by the dozen every day!!
SERVO: Your brain will be dripping out your ears and your eyes will go flying
from their sockets!!!
>$2,500 a month Guaranteed!!
MIKE: Guarenteed?
>That's right, guaranteed!
CROW: Guarenteed by...?
>I'm so sure that my proven program will work
>for you that if you are not happy with the results, simply send it back
>to me within 90 days for a full refund.
SERVO: But it's just an e-mail! What is there to send back?
>Please don't get my program confused with all those "Get-Rich Quick
>Schemes."
CROW: So it IS a get-rich quick scheme. What happened to the mail bomber?
MIKE: Yeah, that was more interesting.
>Why? Well for one thing, $36,250 to $62, 395 per year is not
>"rich." It is a nice living and an even better second income if you wish.
SERVO: Wow, you're right, Crow! He CAN do Math!
>My program also requires a lot of dedication on your part.
CROW: The strong dedication required to send ten e-mails every week.
>Nothing happens by itself. Businesses don't run themselves.
MIKE: You're telling US this?
SERVO: Yeah, we're not the ones who were selling soap...
>I will tell you this...
CROW: Like you haven't told us enough already.
>invest two hours a day, follow my instructions outlined in the
>Start-Up Kit, and you will be successful. I guarantee it !!
Crow: (in sleazy local-ad-type New Yorker voice) I guarentee it!
MIKE: Uh, OK. Start-up kit. Right. Now go away.
>So if you'd like to earn thousands from "Every-Day Cash Plan"... take
>that first important step. Simply fill in the NO RISK order form below.
>I'm here waiting to help you every step of the way.
SERVO: He's waiting for us, specifically?
CROW: He'll be waiting for a long, long time...
>Here is what my business start-up kit includes:
MIKE: This doesn't look like an order form...
>1) Stealth Mail Bomber " unlocked " No Registration Required
> Retails for $300 and up "This Bulk e-mail software will
> ** EXPLODE YOUR BUSINESS **
SERVO: Oh, so there still IS a mail-bomber!
CROW: And how does this pertain to his get-semi-rich-sorta-quick scheme?
>2) Master copies of my "Special Sales Letters." These Letters pull
> $140 a day 6 days a week !!
MIKE: Ah. So they're "special".
>3) Complete Instructions and Internet access to our secret website
SERVO: What? Say that again?
CROW: Is there some OTHER way we could access your secret web site than the
Internet?
>
>As you can see, for only $20.00, you are getting a complete business
>system with all the support you need.
MIKE: Plus an illegal mail-bombing program.
>I have licensed this system in
>the past for as much as $79.95.
SERVO: Just so you know.
>Simply print, fill out, and send in the
>following order form to get started with your guaranteed Internet business!
CROW: I'll pass, thanks.
>
>CUT HERE: __________________________________________________
MIKE: He really expects us to actually waste good ink printing this out???
> NO RISK ORDER FORM
>
>Windows 95/NT Only
SERVO: In other words, "losers only".
>We accept personal checks, business checks, money orders, cash.
CROW: "We"? I thought this was just that one soap-selling idiot...
>Make check or money order payable and mail to:
>
>Ross Enterprises
SERVO: If that doesn't say "unoriginal," I don't know what does...
MIKE: Somehow, I can't see Bill Gates determined to take out his major
competitor, "Ross Enterprises"...
>5710-K High Point Rd. BOX 238
>Greensboro, NC 27407
CROW: So he's made tons of money, and started his own company...in an
apartment.
>I want to receive $140 every time I mail out 10 of the exact same
>sales letter that you will supply.
SERVO: ...but I know I'm just deluding myself.
>Please rush me your "Every-Day Cash
>Plan" via my e-mail address and if I don't make at least $140 a day
>mailing your special sales letter, I can return your materials within
>90 days for a complete refund.
MIKE: Ah, so if YOU aren't satisfied, we get a refund.
CROW: Yeah, that makes perfect sense.
>On that basis, I have enclosed $20.00 .
>(Total $20.00 U.S.)
SERVO: You have?
MIKE: To an e-mail? What?
>
>
> Print Clearly
CROW: ...assuming we're interested, which we're not.
>Name: _______________________________________________________
MIKE, SERVO, CROW: No.
>Address: _____________________________________________________
MIKE, SERVO, CROW: No.
>City: _________________________________________________________
MIKE, SERVO, CROW: No.
>State/Province: __________________ Zip/Postal code: _______________
MIKE, SERVO, CROW: No.
>Country if other than U.S.: _______________________________________
MIKE, SERVO, CROW: No.
> Print Clearly
SERVO: You said that already.
>
>E-mail address:________________________________________________
MIKE, SERVO, CROW: No.
MIKE: Wait, that's it?
CROW: Oh, OK.
SERVO: Weird way to end an e-mail.
MIKE: Well, that's an offer I just felt I couldn't NOT refuse...
CROW: Uh-huh. Let's just get out of here before I start getting the urge to
sell soap for a living...
(exit theater)