[MISTING] "Artifact" - Part 2/3

[Craig J. Clark]

===========================================================================

[Ka-thunk...2...3...4...5...6...SoL Bridge]

CROW: Mike, I need your help. I'm having some sort of existential
crisis thing.

MIKE: Existential? Gosh, Crow, that sounds pretty deep. What's the
problem?

CROW: Well, you know that stuff Tom was saying about how plot
devices
actually affect what happens around here?

MIKE: Narrative causality, yeah. What about it?

CROW: It's made me examine how I perceive the world around me,
and...
[getting hysterical] it's driving me loopy, Mike, it's more
than
I can take!

MIKE: Whoa, calm down, Crow! Jeez, what could be so bad?

CROW: Okay. When we're in the theater, Mike, what do you see?

MIKE: Well, a lot of cheesy movies, generally the worst that can be
found...

CROW: No, Mike, no! I mean, what are we watching today?

MIKE: Umm... a story?

CROW: Yes! But are we _reading_ a story? It would seem kind of silly
to be sitting in a theater for an hour reading words on a
great
big screen as they scroll by, wouldn't it? But is that what
we're
actually doing?

MIKE: Well, no, it looks like a movie. I look up at the screen and
see the characters, such as they are, exploring an Egyptian
tomb, fondling one another, and pouring water in slow motion.

CROW: But it's not that simple, is it? Have you noticed, for
instance,
that this story is riddled with typos?

MIKE: Well, yeah. It's kind of hard to miss.

CROW: But how do you know, Mike? HOW DO YOU KNOW? I'm going to do
something very disturbing, Mike, and I want you to watch
carefully.

MIKE: Okay, as long as it's not that thing with the brie cheese
again.
That was really disgusting.

CROW: Nothing like that, Mike. Just watch, okay?

MIKE: All right.

[Crow walks arcoss the room.]

CROW: Did you see that?

MIKE: Uh, yeah, you walked across the room. So?

CROW: No! Look again!

[Crow walks arcoss the room again.]

MIKE: Oh, you misspelled "across."

CROW: YOU SEE? How the heck is that possible?

MIKE: Well, you were just being sloppy, I guess. Maybe you need to
study more.

CROW: No, you're missing the point, Mike, I was doing it on purpose!

MIKE: Why? To get attention? I think you would find that if you
applied yourself and improved your work, you would get a much
better reaction--

CROW: NO, dammit! I was demonstrating--

MIKE: That's "damn it," Crow, two words. Although I don't like your
choice of language, you could at least be a little neater.

CROW: IT'S COLLOQUIAL! AND THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

MIKE: Don't shout so much, Crow, you know all caps is harder to
read.

CROW: AAARRRRGGHHH!!! [runs off]

MIKE: [turns toward Cambot] Of course, I know what he means, and it
weirds me out too, but I deal with it by torturing others.
...We'll be right back.

[Commercial sign. Fast forward.]

Buy Kahlua! The coffee liqueur that floods your streets!

[Theater]

>
> "Damn the rest of it is gone! Praise who, Anubus, Horus, who!!" demanded
> Joyce. Erin came closer attempting to put his expertise to use.

MIKE: While Joyce was the hieroglyphics expert, Erin was best at
interpreting blank spaces. He studied the missing portion for
clues.

> He wasn't the most learned when it came to heiroglyphics, that's why he'd
> requested her company on this expedidtion. Hell, he really wasn't

CROW: Uh oh, looks like it's time for a big wad of exposidtion.

> much of an Egyptologist at all, but rather an art historian. He'd
> recently graduated from the University of Indianapolis. This whole trip
> was supposed to be a fellowship project, but things had sort of fallen
> through and his best laid plans were destroyed.

TOM: Oh, come on. MICE lay better plans than this guy ever could.

> Erin, already in Egypt
> at the time the trip was cut short, opted instead to stay and finish out
> the fieldwork on his own. The university, concerned for his safety, sent
> the closest representative and expert in the field they could find, Dr.
> Joyce Ash, from Purdue University.

TOM: He quickly mailed the aforementioned "request" as soon as he
learned she was coming, to delude himself and hopefully the
world into believing that the University was giving him what
he
asked for.
MIKE: The college bureaucrats, upon recieving his request, found
that
Joyce was already out on location, so, instead, they sent
Jill,
her colleague and twin sister.
CROW: Erin did not complain when they both arrived.

> Erin temporarily let up his contempt for his collegiate arch rival
> Purdue, and accepted her more than welcome company. She in turn forgot
> that he was a Greyhound , and did like wise.

MIKE: ...potato chips, especially the salt and vinegar flavor.

> He wasn't much into sports ,

CROW: But then again, who is?

> but he did like a good natured rivalry, and any chance to chide Purdue,
> he took it!

TOM: [as Erin] "I have to tell you Frank, your chicken sucks."

> Joyce brought with her not only here extensive knowledge on archaic
> Egypt and a rather encyclopedic knowledge of every god and goddesss
> known to ancient Egypt religion and art,

CROW: Except Awabastet.

> but a welcome aspect of western
> civilization itself. Prior to her arrival, Erin had been in Egypt for
> three months largely getting by on bad food, bad Arabic and here lately,
> bad friends.

TOM: Bad food, bad Arabic, and bad friends. Egypt -- for the
masochist in you.
CROW: (Brought to you by the Incompetent Tourism Board of Egypt.)

> Joyce was here for a reason Erin not much cared for and if
> there was a sense of tension between them, this time it had nothing to do
> with sports or college rivalry.

MIKE: And everything to do with booze.

> Erin, a learned art historian was
> here to investigate and categorize Egyptian art and artifacts,
> especially those of the late Archaic period, spanning from roughly 3100
> to 2600 B.C.

TOM: Oh, come _on_! He has to be making that up. Archaic period?
Tch!

> He was SUPPOSED to be in Cairo at the national Museum
> counting and categorizing rings. A wild story, a little wine, and a few
> bad dates later,

TOM: Are those the kinds of dates that kill spider monkeys?
MIKE: The poison probably wasn't strong enough in Erin's case.
CROW: Damn and double-damn!

> he was bound for Luxor with a band of Australian
> anthroplogists searching for the tomb of Chufas Amun, third in line to
> the throne of Cheops. Erin needless to say

TOM: So why are you _saying_ it???

> got left behind after the
> funding for the Aussies got cut and they headed home.
> Joyce was here for a reason altogether different.

ALL: SEX.

> She'd heard rumors of
> Atap's burial site in Luxor, and believed the site to be largely
> undisturmbed, Since Chufas was third in line,

MIKE: He was sure to get front row tickets for the Alanis Morissette
concert.

> and twice removed to
> Cheops, the chances that his grave would be disturbed would be slight to
> nill-hell, nobody even knew about him!

MIKE: Nobody. Not even Joyce.
TOM: Huh?

> Joyce was also interested in the
> material cultures

CROW: As opposed to the immaterial ones, which are harder to grasp.
MIKE: And not really all that important anyway.

> and artifacts of the archaic Egyptians, most

TOM: Wait, I've got it! I think he means "ancient" Egyptians.
CROW: Hey! What was that you said earlier about ocelots?
TOM: Oh, right. I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

> specifically in rites of burial and religion. She'd had a theory that the
> ancients had successfully channeled through the forces of nature and had
> found a way to merge with nature.

MIKE: Yeah, it's called DYING.
TOM: The tombs were a bit of a tip-off.

> Her summary investigations in the past had dealt with the !Kung bushmen
> in Africa, the Mardu aborigines in Australia, the Navajo of Arizona, and
> the Pima of South America.

CROW: That's PYUma.

> She was interested in more than anything

TOM: Or less than nothing. She could never remember which.

> stories and legends of anthropomorphism, or shape shifting, especially
> among the shaman, or holy men.

MIKE: Or the T-1000.

> She could say for sure where her work
> with Erin would now lead, or what they'd find.

CROW: But she isn't about to let the rest of us in on any of it.

> She understood she was
> being paid well by the Univeristy, as well as by the Egyptian government
> to safeguard both her findings as well her charge, Erin. She was being
> paid to essentially baby sit and collect data- something she neither
> loved nor hated.

TOM: And that's the halftime analysis. We now return to ARTIFACT,
already in progress.

> Proceeding into the tomb , Erin took out the krypton lantern and lit it
> off. The room began to golow in an eerie flurecant blue, bit buy bit it
> began to reveal itself to the two mortals.

CROW: And Superman, who was reduced to cowering in the corner.

> "Look at us Joyce, mere mortals among gods!" he remarked. Joyce began to
> shake with an uncontrollable chill.

MIKE: Shouldn't have drank that Slurpee so fast.

>
> "Erin I don't like this, lets get out of here..."
> "And go where,this is a big find Joyce, this is BIG! Look, look at this
> predynastic artwork overe here!

TOM: It's predyno-mite!

> and these heiroglyphics...look at it
> Joyce! we've done it! we've discovered the tomb of Chufas! "
> "What we've done Erin is highly illegal and immoral,

CROW: [as Erin] "What? I swear, I thought you were 18."

> we have suceeded in
> disturbing the dead and breaking an entering. Do I have to emind you we
> don't have the right permits to be here? Do you know what we're doing
> here amounts to grave robbing?"

CROW: Hold on! Is this Jill now? I remember Joyce, the
_archaeologist,_ was pretty excited about this a minute ago.
TOM: As I recall, she wanted to excavate the whole damn place this
afternoon without going back for help.
MIKE: Well, that was before all that exposition. She's grown as a
person since then.

> "Joyce please relax, we're professionals here, as far as we know this
> tomb has been violated already. do you jsee any artifavts around here,
> any gold, andy pottery, and sculpture?

TOM: Yes, the two of them had been searching for Andy Pottery, age
6,
ever since the young boy had been abducted from his home in
Tucson, Arizona, two months earlier.

> As far as anyone knows this tomb
> is worthless. That's where we come in , prove them wrong and make off
> like bandits! "Look Erin that's what's reallly bothering me, " she began,
> "there are no...artifacts of any kind in here, no real art of any kind,
> no pottery,

TOM: So the search would have to continue...

> no personal effects, not even a sarcophagus. If this is the burial
> chamber one would expect to find at least a sarcophagus!"
>
> "Joyce, over here!"

CROW: [as Joyce] "No, Joyce over here!" [notices Mike and Tom
staring
at him] ...Sorry.

> he beckoned, moving to a far wall. Joyce still
> feeling a bit chilly, mustered enough strength to join him.

MIKE: Five minutes ago she was ready to do the dirty. Now she has to
muster up the energy to walk across a room.
CROW: She needs more protein in her diet.

> "What do you make of it, these heiroglyphs...."
>
> "Hmmm, Horus, Anubus, Anshantiah, Gerus, I don't quite know...it, it
> doesn't fit. here, here on the bottom, most of it is rubbed off, but I
> can still make out a...a symbol.

TOM: This, this -- it, it -- here, here -- a...a -- archaeologists
must be really big on word repetition.
MIKE: Your problem is you still believe that these people are
archaeologists.
CROW: And _your_ problem is you believe that these flimsy cardboard
cutouts are actually people!

> "What is that Erin, can you see it?"
> "It looks like a figure of some sort...feline i think..."

TOM: Feline...a feline figure...what could it mean...
MIKE: I think it stands for a kind of animal...if only I could
remember...
CROW: Feline figure...hmmm...It's on the tip of my tongue...

> "AMAU...mau...cat...it says cat..."

TOM: No, no, that's not it...

> "Cat, cat what, what about cats...."
>
> "Well, the Egyptians worshipped cats and helfd them in high reguards as
> dieties. They were as sacred as the cow is to India. They represented
> thge image of the goddess Bast, Bastet, sometimes called Pash. She was
> supposed to have been the goddess of feduncity, and beauty-symbol of the
> sun , light and the moon. Cats in Egypt, roughly 300 year ago, were
> identified as being images of Bast decended form on high, a diety that
> had transformed herself into a cat."

CROW: [as Erin] "Wow. I must have missed that day of class when I
was
taking my Things Everyone Should Already Know About Egypt
course. Could you hand me that encyclopedia you're reading
from
so I can see if I missed anything else?"

> "Now that...that's

TOM: STOP THAT!!!
MIKE: Stop what?

> interesnting Jouyce, but what does Bast have to do
> with Chufa's tomb?"

CROW: Is Jouyce a fourth character?
MIKE: It hardly bears thinking about.

> "I don't know Erin, we're we're going to need more people in on this
> thing, this...this has me stumped!"

TOM: [as Erin] "Well, maybe you can dredge up a few more of your
alter egos to help us out."

> "Joyce, we can't afford to let anyone know what's in here, or what we've
> found here, dop you realize what would happen to this place if the
> Egyptian government found out about this place or what we've found here.
> They would be in here so fast it would make US extinct!

TOM: Uh, Erin, you're thinking about dinosaurs again. Lay off the
metaphors until you can remember what kind of dig you're on,
okay?

> Look, all
> we need is a little time to work this place out thios CAN'T be all there
> is! I mean. look, this ... this is just the antechamver, there HAS to be
> a main burial chammber somewhere!" Joyce got up and stated at him with
> dagger like eyes,

CROW: Couldn't she kill him with her dagger-like eyes instead of
just
stating at him?

> he could se the
> rage building in her throat
>
> "Listen to me Erin, you seem to be forgetting yourself here,

MIKE: Oh, I get the feeling that Erin forgets himself everywhere.

> there is
> not goig to be any further explorationon this dig until we get the right
> authorization.

TOM: [as Joyce] "I need to consult my Magic 8-Ball."

> This site is toobig fopr us to handle alone...we NEED
> help! As far as this being the only room, I like you believe there has to
> be more, there just has to. I however would like to stay professional
> about this and do things by the book!"

TOM: [as Joyce] "But first let's have sex in the outer chamber
again."

> "Is that what they taught you at Wazzu Joyce? Play by the rules, take
> everything as you see it?" Erin asked.

CROW: [as Erin] "Isn't that kind of...cavalier, Joyce? Hmm?"
MIKE: This role reversal stuff is really confusing the heck out of
me.

> "They taught me to be progfessional Erin, and to think things through.
> "Ok, ok maybe I am getting a bit ahead of myself here, god it's so
> fucking hot!. Let's lets look around some more , spend another hour
> looking an recording, and, and

TOM: GOD IN HEAVEN, PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP!!!
MIKE: Tom, calm down. It's just a story.
TOM: Yeah, I know, Mike. But- but I don't need these characters
constantly stumbling over their, their lines! This, this is
prose! If what they're saying is so...so monumental,
then...then
the author should come up with a better way to, to--
MIKE: Okay, Tom. I think you've made your point.

> we'll leave."
> "Now you're thinking Erin, smart dog, good boy!" she teased, referring to
> his college mascot.
>
> "RRRRwoof! " Erin shot back, panting like a dog.

CROW: Is this some kind of ironic foreshadowing thing, or just an
excuse to be obnoxious?

> The next hour turned to two, then to three. Joyce busied herself with
> cleaning and cataloging as muc as she couldfind on the walls,

MIKE: Unfortunately the walls were absolutely _covered_ in muc and
the
cleaning took a lot longer than she expected it to.

> Erin did
> the same with the few shards of pottery he managed to uncover in a
> corner of the room.

TOM: He took three hours to examine _a few shards_ of pottery? Man,
this guy must be a stupendous moron.
MIKE: This was established earlier, was it not?

> The tomb itself was small, appearing to measure only
> about 12 feet by 12 feet, and about seven feet in height. The walls were
> decorated with a high degree of heroglyphics, and trimmed in faded lapis
> and bronze. Largely empty,

CROW: Like Erin's head.

> there were a few small baskets and some
> shards of pottery. Erin sensinh somethin was not right with the room to
> begin with.

TOM: Probably just deja vu from looking at the same shards of
pottery
twice.

> Moved instinctively for the far wall. There was just
> something about the wallthat bothered him. something didn't fit in
> conjunction with the rest of the room.

CROW: Maybe it was all the Duran Duran posters.

> Erin moved closer and stretched
> out his hand. Air, cool refreshing air!

TOM: Yes, when your lungs are about to burst, try air. It's cool,
refreshing, and if you breathe enough of it, you won't die.
MIKE: (This message brought to you by the Air Council.)

> There had to be another room!
>
> "Joyce, over here, I found another room!" exclaimed Erin.

TOM: So it took him three hours to notice that there was a draft.
MIKE: Your "stupendous moron" comment somehow seems woefully
inadequate now, doesn't it?

> Joyce got up
> and joined him at the far wall, she stretched out her hand to join his
> toward the top of the wall.

CROW: Hmm, I wonder if they're still naked or whether they put their
clothes back on at some point.

>
> "It's hollow Erin, it's the burial chamber!" she concluded, her eyes wide
> and bright.

TOM: Isn't it amazing how she can sense the hollowness of walls
just
by touching them? Most people would at least have to bang on
them
or something.

> "Look around for a switch or something...." Erin ordered, beginning to
> search the tomb. Joyce began searching walls.

MIKE: [as Joyce] "Here's one, but I think it only goes to the
outlet."

> Moments later, Joyce's hand slipped across something intereseting.

CROW: So they _are_ still naked!

> "Erin look! I found a legend!"

TOM: Which one is it? "Le Mort D'Arthur"?
MIKE: "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow"?
CROW: Or is it an incoherent Ridley Scott film?
TOM: You make the call.

>
> GREED BE NOT THE MEANS TO THE END AND ABHOR ALL THOSE WHO DEFILE THEE
> THOU DOEST REST IN THINE ARMS UNTILL THESETTINTG OF THE SUN TO SHIE UPON
> THE NEW LIFE GRANT IT BE THAT ALL WHO WALK IN THEE SHADOW BE MADE TO KNOW
> THE FATE OF THEE FOR ALL TIME

MIKE: Okay, so the Ancient Egyptians didn't know Old English all
that
well.

> "What does it mean" Erin asked.
> "I can't be sure, but I think it equates to some sort of warning not to
> disturb Chupa."

MIKE: Yeah, Chupa could have a girl over.
CROW: If the chamber's a rockin', don't come a-knockin'!
TOM: Wait, I thought it was "Chufas."

> "Hell, you could have fooled me, does it say how to get in?"
> "Here. " she replied, tracing the legend with her finger.
>
> THE BLOOD OF THEE ART PURE TO MINE HEART-THOU SHALL FIND SLEEP WITH THEE
> FUFILLING....

CROW: Which is basically Chupa's way of telling you to go fuck
yourself.
TOM: No, I'm telling you, I really _do_ think it was "Chufas."
MIKE: Don't worry. I'm sure it will be again soon enough.

>
> "I don' get it!" shot Erin.
> "Erin you're hand!,

CROW: Is that actually a typo for "hard"?
TOM: No, because that would presume he knows "your" from "you're".
CROW: Oh, sorry. Wishful thinking.

> remember how we got in here to begin with?"
> "Damn you're right!"

CROW: [as Erin] "I wanted to be right this time! Why do you always
get to be right?"

> Joyce helped Erin unwrap his makeshift bandage , still a deep wound and
> not well cleansed to begin with,

MIKE: We watched her pour water on it for about ten minutes; what do
you mean it's not well cleansed?

> the hand began to bleed into the dirt
> near the door. Erin watched as the blood soaked into the earth. In a
> matter of seconds, the second wall began tongive way. Erin and Joyce
> pushed withall

TOM: Where?
MIKE: Withall.

> their might as the door began top slide to one side.

[Ka-thunk...2...3...4...5...6...SoL Bridge]

TOM: Say, Mike, I have a question about the "archaeologists" in
this
story.

MIKE: And what would that be, Servo?

TOM: Well, normally, people have to be knowledgable in order to be
archaeologists, don't they?

MIKE: Yes.

TOM: And they have to hold degrees in a number of disciplines in
order to be considered credible, don't they?

MIKE: Yes, normally.

TOM: I thought so.

[There is a short pause.]

MIKE: Are you going anywhere with this, Servo?

TOM: Oh, no. Just wondering.

[He wanders off.]

MIKE: Huh.

CROW: Actually, I have a few questions about archaeology myself.

MIKE: Well, it's not exactly my best subject, but shoot.

CROW: Okay. Mike, do you think that Joyce and Erin are _still_
naked,
or do you think they put their clothes on at some point?

MIKE: You know, I really couldn't say... Hey, what does that have to
do with archaeology?

CROW: Stay with me, Mike. Now, do reputable archaeologists normally
engage in copulation while on important digs?

MIKE: Uhh, I don't know. I would lean toward "no," but I have no
firsthand knowledge, so--

CROW: Because these two seemed to go at it at the drop of a pith
helmet. And from the way they were behaving, it didn't seem
like
the first time.

MIKE: Well, yes. I suppose the author did want to suggest that they
had had relations prior to this.

CROW: So that means that it's possible that other archaeologists
have
done the same, right?

MIKE: I suppose.

CROW: So, right in the middle of the excavation of King
Tutankhamun's
tomb in 1922, Howard Carter could have been getting it on with
one of his assistants.

MIKE: He might have. That's pure speculation, though.

CROW: And what about the Leakeys in Tanzania? "Louis, I've found a
one million year-old Homo erectus cranium over here." "That's
wonderful, Mary. Now take your clothes off. I want to shag you
senseless."

MIKE: Crow, I want you to know these are not healthy thoughts.

CROW: And take Heinrich Schliemann. During his illegal excavation of
the city of Troy in 1870, he has his workers dig some trenches
and -- in the process -- unearths numerous artifacts such as
coins and pottery and the like. So, eager to show his
appreciation to the burly, sweaty worker men, Schliemann has
them
line up with their pants pulled down so he can give all of
them--

MIKE: Okay, _now_ you're going to stop.

CROW: You never let me have any fun.

[Suddenly Servo re-appears, wearing a pith helmet, a khaki outfit, and
carrying a certificate which reads, "I am an archaeologist."]

MIKE: Hey, Tom. What's with the get-up?

TOM: Oh, I've just decided to become an archaeologist.

MIKE: You have?

TOM: Yeah.

CROW: Why?

TOM: Well, I figured I know more about the subject than the
characters in today's experiment, so that makes me eminently
more
qualified to be an archaeologist than they are.

MIKE: That's interesting, Tom. Tell me, where did you study?

TOM: Study?

MIKE: Yes, I see you have a diploma there. Where is it from?

TOM: Oh, _this_. I made this myself. I figured, why bother going to
classes and learning things when all I have to do is tote
around
a set of encyclopedias and I'm good to go.

CROW: So where are your encyclopedias, then?

TOM: Well, that's what I'm looking for. I know we have a set around
here somehere... Well, I'll see you guys back in the theater.

MIKE: Okay.

[Servo leaves. Mike exchanges a glance with Crow.]

MIKE: An archaeologist. Huh.

CROW: Hey, I got another one. What about the time I dug through the
crust of the Satellite of Love and unearthed the evidence of
an
earlier version of myself? Do you think I then threw Gypsy
down
on the floor and had my way with--

MIKE: [clamping Crow's beak shut] Okay, that's a cue for commercial
sign if I ever heard one. We'll be right back.

[Commercial sign. Fast forward.]

The Nissan Pathfinder -- If you're not driving it through six inches of
mud
daily, there's something wrong with you.

===========================================================================

Tune in right now for the exciting conclusion to "Artifact."