MiSTing: "Spider-Man: The Movie" [PG] [3/4]
Matthew Blackwell
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[The bots enter, followed by a limping Mike.]
Mike: It was all a joke, guys.
Crow: Sure it was.
Tom: Just like our beating you up was.
> This can be developed over ensuing
>scenes as Peter accepts the mantle of crime-fighter.
Mike: Actually, he grabbed it when Daredevil wasn't looking.
>
>Peter goes after criminals now with a vengeance.
Crow: Jaywalkers beware!
> He wants
>the world to have some justice... something that seems to
>be lacking everywhere he looks.
>
Tom: So that's why he was watching Judge Judy.
Mike: I was wondering about that, myself.
Crow: Maybe he should hook up with Amelia?
Tom: You know what? That's probably the only thing that
could make this worse.
>Spider Man becomes a one-man anti-crime wave. He goes
>after crooks so single-mindedly and viciously that we fear
>for him...
Mike: ...We do?
Crow: Well... nah.
> for what he is becoming.
Tom: Namely, a real pain in the hinder.
> He seems to feed on
>it, going a little nuts.
Mike: Short trip.
> He makes enemies of virtually
>everybody.
Crow: The Mafia. The Post Office. Martha Stewart. Everyone!
> Except for a few grateful victims or near-
>victims.
Tom: And sentence fragments.
> Maybe it was all those years of being the
>helpless geek,
Mike: I choose... the Helpless Geek!
> kicked around by the schoolyard bullies,
>with no one to protect him.
Crow: Except for his friends from the Hundred Acre Wood.
> No father. No older brother.
Tom: No puppy named Scruffy.
>Now he wants to be the big strong older brother to the
>world.
Mike: He wants to snag on the world and give it wedgies?
Crow: C'mon, Mike, let it go.
Mike: I'm trying, but it ain't easy.
> Fix it all. Let there be no more victims... no
>more pain.
Crow: o/~ No more words! You're telling me you love me
while you're looking away! o/~
> As long as he has this strength, these
>senses... he's going to go for it.
>
Mike: He's gonna dance!
>One night he sees cops beating the shit out of a guy.
Tom: And Henry Fonda is there!
>He intervenes and webs up the two cops.
Crow: Whew, good thing that was resolved before any kind of
tension could develop!
>Now spider Man is officially a wanted criminal.
Mike: Well, it's a good thing they aren't looking for Spiderman
then.
>And Peter has crossed the line... with the realization
>that justice is something that exists only in the mind...
Tom: And in the court of Judge Judy.
>not in a uniform or a badge or any symbol which our
>society sets up to represent it.
Tom: This has been the James Cameron Message of the Day.
>
>And now, as a felon, he can't make any more public
>appearances for money.
Crow: Private shows are a different matter entirely.
> He's back to square one... broke.
Tom: Dirk Niblick lends him a few thou.
>
>Peter feels outcast, persecuted, misunderstood...
Mike: Did the script just lap itself?
>answerable only to himself...
Tom: And Stan Lee.
> and he doesn't have the
>answers.
Crow: Thankfully, Loveline was on the air and Dr. Drew
was able to help.
> He is alone in a moral wasteland, without a map
>or compass.
Mike: Ah. Bill Clintonland.
> He is totally isolated...
Tom: This is turning into a Rush song.
> with no parents to
>talk to,
Crow: Just Aunt May, but I can see where you'd overlook her.
> with no one to confide in who would understand
>what's going on inside him.
>
Tom: Ah, just go on Springer, you could go on his 'Hideous
Freaks of Nature' special.
>He needs someone to tell him what to do, what to be.
Crow: So he's going to get married?
> And
>there is no-one. He tries to ignore his powers...
Mike: But those spinnerets made wearing gloves so
uncomfortable.
> and the
>path of non-commitment is the guilt and pain of his
>uncle's death. He realizes he must accept responsibility
>and use his gifts, but how?
>
Tom: Well, stalking Mary Jane doesn't pay very well, but
it has some nice fringe benefits...
>The cops want him.
Crow: He's just dreamy!
> He can't go work with them.
Tom: Cuz, Peter's a rebel, man! He doesn't follow your
rules, man!
> Does he
>ignore the crime and injustice going on around him or
>become a vigilante?
Mike: If so, go to Page 78.
Crow: If he gets stinking drunk and calls his ex-girlfriend,
go to page 102.
>
>When he stops criminals in the act, the cops hate him more
>for making them look ineffective.
Crow: Ah, they're just jealous cuz they aren't hideous mutants.
>He is condemned in the media as a vigilante.
Mike: Possibly because he is.
>
>J. Jonah Jameson, using the media, shades the story,
>creating a threat... going for the dark side,
Tom: Crushing the Rebels, invading Tattooine...
> peddling
>fear.
Crow: Hey! He works for FoxNews!
> Fear of the spider, which lurks in the dark.
Mike: Meanwhile, DC Comics is preparing an elite team
of Hit Lawyers...
>
>And fear sells.
Tom: Just like Beanie Babies!
> Jameson is getting ratings.
Tom: Waitasecond! Jameson runs a *newspaper*, not a TV station!
Crow: Maybe Cameron's trying to keep up with the times.
Tom: Two words, Servo - Morgan Edge!
> It's a good
>story and he's going to work it as long as he can.
>
Mike: Long after it stops being funny!
>Oh, and incidentally...
Crow: [author] I'm a great writer. I'm not wearing any
underwear.
> he still has to deal with the
>actual bad guys themselves, who want him dead.
Tom: No real reason, just on principle.
> He's
>hurting their business. He's got them looking over their
>shoulders.
Crow: And running up their chiropractor bills.
> All the gangs in the city, and the mob, the
>crack dealers, the Colombians,
Mike: And, for some reason, the Boy Scouts.
> everybody...
Crow: Steve McGarrett, Abigail Van Buren, Kelly Hu,
everybody.
> they all have
>a grudge against this guy.
>
Tom: The script writer?
Mike: I don't think that's what he means.
>At the same time,
Crow: Rob Lowe is preparing a policy speech at the White
House.
> in some neighborhoods, he is a local
>legend. Crime is down, and the friendly neighborhood
>Spider Man is a welcome sight.
Tom: You know, they say if you see a Spiderman, you won't
have crime for six weeks.
> And everybody wants to
>claim him.
>
Mike: Well, the cops don't.
Tom: Legions of Pokeball-wielding people are running around
New York City...
>Black kids think he's black. White kids white. Hispanic
>etc.
>
>"Spidey man ain't no white dude. He too down.
Tom: And the attempt at writing Ebonics fails miserably.
> What I'm
>sayin.
Crow: ...No idea. You mind telling us?
> You see his moves? He definitely a brother."
Mike: Well, he doesn't move like a sister, that's for sure.
>"No way, home.
Tom: His name is Home? And I thought Crow had it bad.
Crow: Hey!
> My brother knows a guy that talked to him
>once, man."
>Italians say he's Italian.
>Gays think he's gay.
>
Crow: [camp] And they just adore that costume!
>Peter, working with Mary Jane to finish the science
>project, discovers that she is a big Spider Man fan.
Tom: [MJ] Check this out! Amazing Fantasy #15 in mint
condition! And a taped complete run of the Fox
series, Spiderman and His Amazing Friends, and
all of the Electric Company episodes too! And
here are my Toybiz figures...
> She
>thinks he is mysterious and romantic... someone with
>courage and conviction.
Mike: Someone in a form fitting costume.
Crow: And what a package!
> And she relates to his need for a
>mask. To keep his inner self private.
>
Tom: Or maybe he's really ugly? Think of that?
Crow: It's not like he's wanted by the police or anything.
>Peter wants so much to tell her...
Crow: That her hair is on fire.
> but he can't now that
>he is a wanted criminal.
Mike: And there's this little thing called a secret identity...
>
>He follows her after school and she goes by herself to her
>private place.
Tom: The bathroom?
> The place she goes to think.
Tom: Like I said, the bathroom?
> None of her
>friends even know about it.
Crow: Just close relatives and super-powered stalkers.
> He watches her from a high
>place.
>
Tom: I really wish I wasn't right all the time.
>ON MARY JANE, walking home. She is being followed by some
>punks.
Mike: Hey! It's The Ramones' cameo!
> They accost her.
Crow: Looks like she stumbled onto a vicious gang of Jehovah's
Witnesses.
> There is no one around to help.
Tom: Except Moby- Scourge of Crime!
>She screams and they drag her off the street into an
>abandoned junk-yard.
>
Tom: An abandoned junk-yard in the middle of New York?
Crow: Maybe that kid with the Guyver armor'll save her.
>Suddenly,
Mike: Nothing happened. But it happened suddenly.
> Spider Man is there.
Crow: With the Bugaloos!
> He trounces the attackers
>and webs them up.
Mike: In one line, no less!
Tom: Almost Ratliffian!
> He knows by now that without a crime
>actually taking place, the cops won't even hold these
>guys, so all he can do is warn them.
Crow: [Peter] Hey, I'm the one stalking her dammit! Find
your own!
>
> SPIDER MAN
> If you worthless chunks of vomit show
> your faces around here again, I'll
> decorate my Christmas tree with your
> intestines.
Tom: Folks, the Vertigo version of Spidey.
> Got it?
Mike: [hood] But we can commit crimes in other neighborhoods,
right?
Crow: [Spidey] Sure, sure. What do I care?
>
>They get it.
Mike: Hey, they used the smart thugs for this scene!
> They're still worthless chunks of vomit, but
>at least they'll be somewhere else.
Crow: Knowing my luck, they'll be on my rug.
>
>He picks Mary Jane up and whisks her through the air,
>swinging from roof to roof.
Tom: [Mary] Watch out for that...
[Mike imitates a thunking noise, followed by a crash.]
Tom: [Mary] Tree...
> It is a wild fantasy ride for
>her... like a dream.
Crow: Or maybe a drug-induced hallucination.
> He takes her to the top of the top
>of the world... literally.
Mike: They're going to visit Santa?
> The stainless steel globe from
>the '64 World's Fair in Flushing Meadow Park. They sit up
>there in the moonlight.
Crow: Then Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones show up with
blasters and ask them to move along.
> she melts against him.
Mike: She's seen the changes, but it's getting better all
the time.
> And with
>the confidence which the mask gives him... he kisses
>her... through the fabric.
Tom: [John Carradine] Now kiss me hard, through the mask!
Crow: And we thought Chase was weird...
> It is a tender, sensuous
>moment.
>
Tom: If you like kissing Gortex, that is.
Mike: Otherwise, it's just creepy and kinda sad.
>PETER, in costume, goes to the rendezvous point.
Mike: Um...transition please?
> He is
>met by Cordelia and Strand.
Crow: And a rousing game of hang man ensues.
> This begins the most
>important relationship of the film.
Mike: Yeah, who cares about the fogies or the love interest?
We've got Megavolt and Latex Lass!
>
>Strand is looking for others like him.
Crow: And placing an ad in The Village Voice didn't
work as well as he'd hoped.
> Exceptional
>people, people who have been touched by fate, through some
>cosmic fluke.
Tom: ...are pretty lucky. The people in this though...
> People who have been given some power which
>elevates them above the teeming masses. He describes
>finding Boyd, who was doing nickel and dime bank jobs with
>his new powers as Sandman.
Mike: [Carl] We've got him up to a quarter now!
>
>Boyd apparently was a low-paid maintenance man
Crow: At the local police precinct. Little did they know
he was really Hong Kong Phooey.
Tom: Brace yourself, guys. Here comes another origin
sequence.
> at a big
>military research project having something to do with SDI.
Tom: That something meaning they delivered coffee to the
actual scientists.
>They were experimenting with a quantum physics effect
>called bilocation.
Mike: Any second now, Scott Bakula's going to pop in.
> They thought they could find tunnels
>in the fabric of space,
Tom: A project to merge Madeline L'Engle with Irwin Allen.
> and transpose matter between the
>two ends of the tunnel... essentially teleportation.
Crow: Clearly a vital component of any anti-missile...
wait a minute.
Tom: Hey, didn't they do that on Sliders?
> And
>this would be a really neat way to deliver a weapon
>payload to the bad guys, inside deep bunkers etc.
Crow: The pizza delivery possibilities are mind boggling!
Tom: So, it's SDI, as in Sadistic Dangerous Idiots.
>
>Well, Boyd was fixing some pipes in a service tunnel under
>the main floor of the experiment and nobody told
>maintenance that day that they were going to test the big
>collider that generates the bilocation effect.
Mike: His pointy-haired boss probably lost the memo.
>
>Somehow, things went wrong.
Crow: When do science experiments in comics go right?
> There was a runaway reaction,
>then an explosion, and Boyd got hit by the effect.
Mike: Later, he sues Stan Winston!
> He
>transubstantiated with the sand underneath him in the
>crawlway.
Tom: Did we mention there was sand on the floor? No?
Oh well.
Crow: Lutherans argue that Boyd merely had a *symbolic*
communion with the sand.
> His molecules and the sand molecules took on
>each other's characteristics.
>
Mike: And it chafed him like you wouldn't believe...
>Boyd wasn't happy about what happened.
Tom: Ah. "Perfectly Rational Reaction Syndrome."
> Especially when he
>told the project doctors and they wanted to lock him up
>and study him. So he dissolved under the door, and
>escaped.
Crow: Couldn't they use a vacuum or something?
> They even tried to shoot him...
Tom: 'Cause sand is in this year, and Boyd looked faaabulous!
> but the bullets
>went right through. He turned from a mean-spirited little
>guy with no power to a mean-spirited guy with incredible
>physical power.
Crow: Ah, sorta like Newt Gingrich.
Tom: Did we mention this guy had a bad attitude *before* his
encounter with the sand? No? Oh, well.
> Needless to say he wasted no time abusing
>it.
>
Mike: Kind of the point of power, isn't it?
>
>FLASH BACK SCENE: Boyd robbing an armored car.
Crow: Was it full of nickels and dimes? Cuz, you know he
does nickel and dime jobs and...
Tom: We got it.
>
> The guards
>fire into his body, but only puffs of sand mark the exit
>wounds. He turns his fist into a rock-hard sledge-hammer.
Mike: Don't ask how he can do that, it's sort of personal.
>It actually looks like a sledge-hammer.
Tom: He will be your testimony.
> He swings
>it,
All: FORE!
>knocking the guards flying. In a fury he beats his way
>through the steel doors of the truck and takes the money
>bags.
Tom: Their uncle must sell the Boardwalk and Park Place
hotels to raise the ransom money.
>
>CUT TO: Boyd in a cheap hotel. On the lam.
Mike: o/~ Sand on the run! Sand of the Run! o/~
> He has some
>stacks of money from the robbery on a dresser.
[Everybody snickers.]
Mike: [Boyd] Oh that? That's just my laundry.
Crow: Great way to avoid notice, Boyd!
> A tough-
>looking girl is in bed next to him.
Tom: Tonya Harding?
> He is drinking vodka
>straight and looking about ready to eat a snake.
Mike: He's in the mood for authentic South Western cuisine.
>He gets up to find another bottle. The girl brushes
>distastefully at the sand in the bed. She hates sand in
>the bed.
>
Crow: Better in the bed than other places.
>There is a knock and Boyd warily answers the door.
>It is STRAND.
Tom: Randall Flag? Here?
>
>IN THE PRESENT, Strand describes how he took him in, and
>showed him a better way.
Crow: Soon Boyd was selling Avon cosmetics for a living.
> How the real money was made.
Tom: Pirating cable?
>Now Boyd is Strand's right-hand, his enforcer. He
>apologizes for Boyd's behavior the other night,
Mike: [Carl] He was just supposed to rough you up a
little, not a lot. My bad.
> but he
>felt it was necessary to get Spider Man's attention.
Crow: By making him automatically distrust you?
Tom: He must have learned villainy at Goldfinger's School
for Morons.
>Frankly, he was curious to see if Spider Man had the balls
>to fight back when the adversary was as strong as he was.
Tom: Well he had to choose between fighting and dying.
Personally I think he made the wrong choice, but...
>
>Peter realizes how much he has changed.
Mike: He can do things now!
> How much the mask
>has changed him.
Crow: It made him hate Jim Carrey and lust after Cameron
Diaz.
> He did fight back. He acted on his
>anger... and his anger made him fearless.
>
Tom: Moments later, Abin Sur showed up and offered him
a ring.
>What does Strand want?
Crow: Would a rubber girlfriend comment be in bad taste?
> Somehow he senses, though he does
>not know who Spider Man really is, that he is young.
Tom: The propeller beanie was a big hint.
>Strand wants to take him under his wing. Teach him.
>And Peter, needing a father figure, is seduced by this.
Bots: Yech!
Mike: [Hank Hill] The boy just ain't right.
Crow: The Graduate II- My Son is a Spider!
>Strand has had years to ponder the nature of his gifts,
>and he is so brilliant.
Tom: [baked] Especially when you're stoned man!
> The things he says make so much
>sense.
>
Mike: He's much better than Cats. I'm going to see him
again and again.
>Strand believes that they are extraordinary individuals
>joined by fate. That's why he sought out the Sandman...
>and now wants Spider Man to join.
Tom: Boy, Oprah's Book Club is really high pressure.
> Out of 5 billion
>people, they are the special ones... not freaks, but
Crow: Geeks instead.
>masters... each created by a fluke of technology. It is
>some new form of evolution.
Tom: Well, a Hollywood form of evolution.
>
>Strand invites him to the Manhattan mansion. Peter has
>never seen such opulence. Strand sips a martini and
>strokes the electric eels in his huge aquarium.
Mike: Remember folks, he's not a freak.
Crow: Well at least it isn't a white cat.
> Peter
>stares around at millions of dollars worth of art and
>antiques.
>
Tom: Mentally calculating the street value.
>Strand says the whole Spider Man costume and character are
>pretty juvenile,
Mike: [Strand] Look at all the pimply-faced kids who buy
your comic books!
Crow: [Peter] Hey! I resemble that remark!
> and wants to know who he's really talking
>to here. He asks him to remove the mask but Peter won't.
Tom: Peter has learned the second lesson of being a
Superhero. The first lesson is always dry clean.
>
>Strand expands his vision of the "special ones".
Crow: And then asks Pete to donate to the Special Olympics.
>
>The huddled masses exist,
Tom: Out there, yearning to be free and all.
> in their vicious ignorance and
>limitations, to lift a few exceptional people on their
>shoulders.
Mike: Victorious coaches and Paul Hogan.
> However unwillingly.
Crow: The starving homeless are forced to give piggy-back
rides to billionaires!
>
>That's what human evolution is all about... the highest
>common denominator, not the lowest.
>
Mike: I can't believe Darwin missed that!
>Natural selection honors the efficient predator. And
>Spider Man has the instincts of a predator.
Crow: A predator or a hung-over frat boy.
> The top of
>the food chain is always held by the most advanced
>predators that millions of years of evolution could
>produce... noble creatures like the wolf and the lion, not
>the cud-munching herd beasts...
>
Tom: Oh, that's blatant vore-ism!
>We honor competition right? We honor winners.
>But for every winner there must be a thousand losers.
Mike: Ew. Thousands of Tom Greens...
>It's a law of nature. So you must ask yourself... am I a
>winner? Or a loser?
>
Crow: Or are you just there to compete and have a fun time?
>It is the temptation of power.
Tom: o/~ It's the thrill of the fight! o/~
> A carefully rationalized
>seduction.
Mike: Oh, so we're going _there_ again?
> But Peter also sees a kindred spirit in
>Strand. A gifted and misunderstood outcast.
Tom: Just like Ted Kazcinsky.
> Alone.
>Peter feels so alone he needs that companionship. And it
>keys in psychologically... the father figure. The older
>brother.
Mike: The little sister. The drunken uncle.
Crow: The Madonna. The whore.
Tom: The postman. The Iron Chef.
>Someone who understands him.
>Cares about him. Doesn't think he's a freak.
Mike: Jerry Springer?
>
>We are more than human, you and I.
Crow: Well I already knew that.
Mike: I'm not sure, but I think that's dialogue...
Crow: So?
> Not less. We deserve
>whatever we can take. It is the only true law.
Tom: [Bobo] The Lawgiver says so!
Crow: Gee, that's eerily dead-on.
Tom: Not as eerie as your impression of Brain Guy.
Crow: [Obs.] Oh?
Mike: Gah! Stop it, you two! You're giving me the
heebie-jeebies!
> The law
>that existed for half a billion years before the laws of
>man.
>
Mike: The Law of the Trilobite!
>Cordelia comes on to Peter, trying to get him to relax.
Tom: Sheesh, I can't think of anything that would make him
_more_ tense.
Crow: [Peter, shaking] M-miss Cordelia, are you seducing m-me?
>Strand watches as Cordelia does her thing.
Mike: [Cordelia] Hey Peter! Watch me get electrocuted!
> Peter is
>starting to get a bad vibe.
Crow: [Peter] Hey! A spider just bit me!
Mike: Just in case you haven't picked up on the fact that
Petey is a bit slow.
> Strand takes him aside and
>says if Peter joins him he can have his fill of Cordelias,
>they come with the territory.
Crow: Yeah, they sell 'em in six packs down at the 7-11.
Mike: I think you mean Corona's.
>
>Strand holds a lightbulb by its base, between two fingers.
Mike: Oh, he's doing his Uncle Fester bit!
>He holds it over Peter's head and makes it glow.
Crow: [Peter] Thanks, but it's not helping.
>
> STRAND
> Starting to get the idea, kid?
>
Mike: [Peter] Yeah! We could make a blues band, and
travel all over the place!
>Spider Man says he's not interested in a girl
Crow: So, what's with his Mary Jane obsession, then?
Tom: It's not her, it's her clothes.
> with values
>that screwed up, and he's not sure he likes Strand any
>more either.
>
Tom: A brief moment of lucidity from Pete!
>Strand makes the mistake of going too fast.
Crow: Duh. At least take him to dinner and a movie first.
> Of assuming
>that Peter will accept his amoral view of the world
>immediately.
Mike: Well, he did seem to be gullible enough...
> When Peter finds out that Strand is a crook,
>he says they are enemies.
All: Bum, bum, BUM!
> Strand says Spider Man cannot
>afford any more enemies.
Mike: After all, Pete is still giving milk money to that
kid who bullied him in 3rd grade.
> As a demonstration he blasts
>Peter across the room with a bolt of power, stunning him.
Tom: [Peter] Hmm. He zapped me. Is he trying to come
onto me?
>He tries to remove Peter's mask, but Peter fights back.
Crow: Vaguely, of course.
>He dodges energy blasts by leaping to the ceiling, the
>walls, etc.
Tom: Then he does a power bomb by hitting D,D,U,L,R,B,B,A.
> Each blast cost Strand millions as he
>destroys his own place,
Mike: He's the Elvis Presley of super-villains!
> growing more frustrated as he
>tries to hit Peter and can't.
Tom: Then how about you stop blasting?
> The spider sense is keeping
>him just out of the line of fire.
>
>Boyd comes in and the carnage intensifies.
Crow: No, really? I thought he was going to settle this
over a spot of tea!
> Peter gets
>zapped and almost loses consciousness.
Crow: When he wakes up, he's telekinetic and costarring
with Scott Baio!
> He shoots a web,
>snagging the huge aquarium, and topples it in an explosion
>of glass and thousands of gallons of water which cascades
>around Strand's feet. Strand is temporarily shorted out.
Mike: Just forget about the part where he petted the eel.
>The eels flop helplessly.
Tom: Much like...Ah, I haven't the heart to finish.
>
>Spider Man ducks the Sand Man's blows and leaps through a
>window out into the night.
Crow: [Peter] Thank you deus ex machina!
> Boyd cannot follow.
Tom: Well he could, but only for a few seconds, then
gravity will catch up with him.
>Strand looks around the demolished room. He is pissed off
>but intrigued.
>
Mike: [Strand] Hmm. I seem to enjoy breaking things. I'll
have to look into it.
>He picks up some of Peter's stray webbing. Pulls on it
>with all his strength. Can't break it. Hmmmm.
Crow: [Strand] Silly String?
>
>Strand begins a campaign to win Spider Man.
Tom: He calls Peter late at night, leaves threatening
messages on his voice mail, then apologizes...
>First he buys the TV station and gives J. Jonah Jameson
>and unlimited budget to bash Spider Man.
Crow: TV station? What about the Daily Bugle?
Tom: I think this might be the marvel version of WGBH.
>
> STRAND
Mike: Uh-oh. Dialogue.
Tom: Wow. We're 90 minutes in with only six bits of
speaking.
> Here is what you will do. You will fixate
> on Spider Man.
Crow: Just like I do!
> You will devote every
> program solely to him.
Mike: Soap operas! Friends! The Weakest Link! Everything!
> You will not rest
> until this psychopath is arrested and his
> identity is revealed.
Crow: [Strand] You will make farm animal noises whenever you
hear the word taco.
> He is a menace to
> the public. Trust me, your ratings will
> soar.
>
Tom: Unless they're opposite West Wing.
>He gets stories on network, and into major magazines and
>papers owned by his media conglomerate.
Mike: Meanwhile, Iraq steals the Statue of Liberty and nobody
notices.
>
>Strand's agenda is to make the world such a hostile place
>for Spider Man that Spidey will be driven back to him.
Crow: Or he might figure out who's doing it and go after
you...nah!
>Strand can say, see how fucked up people are?
Tom: I blame the script.
> See how
>frightened and dangerous they can be?
Mike: See how well they go with sour cream?
> He wants to sour
>Spidey on humankind.
>
Crow: At some point, he's going to dis Pa Kent, and then
Clark's going to rough him up big time.
>Then he wants to be there for him, as the only one who
>understands what it is to be different from the herd.
Mike: He and Janeane Garofalo.
> To
>be truly alone.
>
Tom: [sniffling] o/~ All by my self... o/~
>He even gets thugs to dress up in knock-off Spider Man
>costumes and rob stores, beat people up. Push down old
>ladies.
Mike: Steal newspapers, drink from the carton, talk in
movie theaters...
> There is a proliferation of Spider Man sightings,
>all negative.
>
Tom: The government blamed it on swamp gas and weather
balloons.
>Now even the neighborhood people don't trust Spidey. When
>he tries to help they tell him to get lost.
Tom: [old man] Go away!
Crow: [Peter] But sir, you're on fire!
Tom: [old] Scram I said!
>
>To make matters worse, his costume got wrecked in the big
>fight with Strand and Sandman. Can't be fixed.
Mike: Luckily Petey knows how to accessorize.
> He goes
>looking for a new suit and...
Crow: [Peter] Hey, here's some black stuff! I bet I can make
a costume out of this! Hehehe, it's moving around too!
Cool!
>
>Incredibly, Spider Man has become so popular that his
>costume is available in a specialty store for 120 bucks.
Tom: Spandex is expensive...
>They even have his size. Peter shrugs and buys it.
Crow: Made in Latveria?
> What
>the heck. It's made better than his old one anyway.
Mike: [Peter] Thank you, Deus X. Machina Costume Shoppe!
>
>He gets the flu one day and he still has to go out and do
>the Superhero bit.
Tom: Couldn't he get his buddy Ben Reilly to cover for him?
> He's swinging from building to
>building and has to stop on a ledge and throw up.
All: EWWW!
Crow: How can the city not embrace a mutant spewing radioactive
hurl down on the masses below?
Mike: Just the thing to strike fear into the criminal mind.
> A black
>kid sticks his head out.
>
Tom: [kid] Hey, we don't puke outside your window do we?
> KID
> Hey yo, hey yo, Spidey. S'up, man?
>
Mike: And the cast of "Boondocks" makes a cameo!
> SPIDER MAN
> I've got the flu.
>
Crow: This isn't going to turn into a commercial is it?
Tom: I hope the kid doesn't give him Nyquil, they'll be
scraping Petey of the pavement.
> KID
> Hey yeah. 's'goin' around , man.
>
Mike: [kid] Kinda like my accent.
>The kid goes back in. His mom asks who you talking to?
Tom: [kid] Geez ma, I can't understand ya without your
quotation marks.
>
> KID
> Spidey got the flu, mama. He puking on
> the fire escape.
Crow: Tell the lousy bum to get a job! And don't give him any
money!
>
> MOM
> Well you tell him to "spidey" his ass on
> over to the next building and throw up
> there.
Tom: The disturbing thing is, Cameron chose THIS scene to
provide dialogue.
> Shit, it's bad enough with the
> wino's in the neighborhood...
Mike: Yeah, something oughta be done about those out of work
superheroes.
Tom: I saw the Green Hornet rummaging through our trash last
night. I gave him a fiver and sent him off. Poor guy.
>
>Peter is disheartened by the ungrateful response of the
>general populace to his well-meant attempts.
Crow: Why, Thor pukes on a building and they throw him a
parade!
> And then he
>hits a string of bad luck,
Tom: Ooh! A Black Cat cameo! Meow!
> where his intervention makes
>the situation worse, because of his lack of experience in
>human affairs...
Crow: [Pete] Well, he had her pinned in the back seat, and she
was screaming real loud - what was I *supposed* to think?!
> the sheltered science nerd gets a rude
>education in the ways of the world.
Tom: So he dives headlong into an insect porn addiction.
> He comes in contact
>for the first time with the pain, desperation, and
>frustration which causes criminal behavior.
Mike: [Peter, whiny] Geez, being a superhero is *hard*!
>
>Peter will have a crisis of faith,
Crow: It says so, in the script. Right there in fact.
> where the burden of the
>world's ills becomes so overwhelming that he feels
>paralyzed.
Tom: It's SpiderIronside!
> His new power is partially about the power to
>see,
Mike: Because he's...CORRECTIVE VISION MAN!
> and the responsibility to not turn his head away --
>he can go into the shadows, look in the windows, watch us
>all from above...
Crow: Remind me to take out a restraining order when we get
out of here guys.
Tom: Wow, Super Peeping.
> and he will see human nature for what it
>is.
Crow: Namely, that humans are a bunch of stinkers!
Tom: Isn't that right - *Mike*?!?
Mike: [mumbling] Well, here we go again.
> He will enter a moral twilight zone where the victims
>and the crimes are not so clear cut,
Crow: [Cameron] Trust me, when I have time to think about
this it's gonna be SO cool.
> where it is hard for
>a well-meaning crusader to jump in and help or save when
>the victims must be saved from themselves,
Mike: Oh, like people who watch "Friends".
> or from a
>society which grinds them down.
Tom: Call the Church Police!
> And how can one man, one
>boy really make a difference?
Crow: With big, honkin' guns, of course!
> The tide of injustice and
>pain is too great... too overwhelming.
>
Mike: Geez. We've veered into the script for a Bergman film.
>Like an avalanche thundering down on him... until he
>starts to think there are no good people to save.
Tom: But what about Don Knotts?
> Only
>varying degrees of bad.
Crow: o/~ Because they're bad, they're bad, shamon! o/~
> That the whole city is a toilet
>of greed and dark passions.
Tom: Much like this script is a toilet of metaphors and clichés.
>
>He busts some thieves only to find out that they are just
>a bunch of kids, like himself.
Mike: Oh, so Pete's a thief?
Crow: Well, not *exactly* like him.
> One of the kids runs,
>trying to escape, and slips off a fire-escape.
Tom: [Cameron] You're just going to have to imagine it since
I'm not creative enough to describe it.
> Peter
>tries to catch him but he can't. The kid hits the street
>and dies.
Crow: Heck. I was hoping that would have been Chuck Taine.
>Just kids. Needing some money in a tough world.
Tom: They were just going to spend the dead liquor store
owner's money on button candy, wax bottles and jujubees.
> Just
>like him.
Crow: So they're shooting webs and bouncing from light
Posts too?
> The line between good and evil is getting
>blurred.
Mike: So those were good criminals? Like Robin Hood?
Tom: I think he's trying to say they're good because they're
Peter's age...don't ask why.
>
>Aunt May can't make the house payments on just her social
>security check.
Crow: We bring you to this scene, already in progress.
Mike: Life Insurance? Hah! That's for wimps!
> Now with medical bills piling up. Peter
>is going to have to get a job. Let's see...
Tom: Oh, they're making Arachnophobia 2!
> there's Pizza
>Hut. Or the car wash.
Crow: Or writing dialogue for movie scripts.
> Or... mmmm.
Mike: [Homer] Unanswered questions. Drool...
> There's always the
>20,000 dollars in twenties and fifties sitting on the
>coffee table of the drug-dealer's house he just dropped in
>on.
Tom: It's still there? How much time has passed, a couple
months? Years? Give us a clue here!
>There won't be any objection from the drug dealers, who
>are all webbed up and waiting for the cops (who will take
>credit for the bust).
Crow: Later, Spidey is wanted on obstruction of justice
charges for taking evidence.
>And there's the money.
>Go on, take it.
>
All: [chanting] Do it, do it, do it, do it...
>Aunt May needs that operation.
Tom: Those saline implants will make her feel so much
younger!
> Her medicare won't cover
>it.
Crow: Damn you lack of healthcare reform!
>Why should she suffer in pain?
Mike: Hey Pete, Dr. Death's on the line.
> Maybe die?
>There's the money.
Tom: Just sitting there, looking coy and all...
> Nobody would know.
Crow: Alan Greenspan would!
>Spider Man can move like a ghost.
Mike: Being ghost-like is one of the spider's main
attributes, after all.
>And Peter would have a little extra cash.
Tom: I guess drug dealers don't make much anymore.
Crow: It's the recession.
>Stop having to ride a moped or take the bus.
Mike: But, but, Vespa's are cool!
>He could buy a car... and take a girl on a real date.
Tom: Well, there's still some things money can't fix.
>
>That would show those sosh buttheads with the dentists and
>lawyers for dads...
Crow: Yep, them high-falootin' dentists.
Mike: Yeah, try using your fancy mercury amalgams to fill the
cavity in your soul, ya damn tooth leeches!
Tom: Um... Mike?
Mike: Lousy snobby dentists, with their Muzak and their
college degrees. They make me mad, is all!
> the smirking laughter of all the
>Mindys and Mandys and Sandys would finally stop ringing in
>his ears.
>
Crow: Ah, a little insight into our author's school life!
Mike: Although Bobby, Corey and Candy would still beat him
up at lunchtime.
>He is hovering on the brink of going over the line...
Crow: Of the last straw of tipping the balance of the
point of no return.
> of
>becoming a criminal himself. He sees the opportunities
>right in front of him. It would be so easy.
Tom: Becoming a telemarketer would be even easier. You
don't even need to leave the house.
>
>CUT TO: TOP OF THE WORLD TRADE CENTER...
Crow: Cool! A Tourist Guy picture! I love these!
Mike: No, Crow. Too soon.
>
>Spidey's lonely vigil. Still hanging upside down, over
>the world of bright lights and chaos.
Mike: You know, instead of fighting crime and such.
>
> SPIDER MAN
> I figured being your friendly
> neighborhood Spider Man would get easier
> as I went along. Well... I'm waiting.
Tom: o/~ For a crook like you! To come into my life! o/~
>
>CUT TO SPIDER MAN, his hands reaching slowly for the stack
>of bills. He looks into the eyes of the drug dealer.
Crow: Through the eyes of a drug dealer, the world looks
magical! And blurry too!
>
> SPIDER MAN
> What the hell are you looking at?!
Mike: Robert DeNiro is Spiderman!
>
>He leaps out the window with the money.
>
>CUT TO next morning. A parking lot in a bad neighborhood.
>Asphalt, chainlink and graffiti. Kids playing basketball.
Tom: Some fat guy in a milk carton hecklin' them.
Mike: Hey, you suck! Drink milk!
>
>Suddenly hundreds of bills come fluttering down into frame
>like green snow, scattering far and wide on the wind. The
>kids chase the bills up and down the block.
Crow: The outdoor production of "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World"
is a huge success!
> It is an
>instant celebration in the whole neighborhood.
Mike: Well, it being Cinco de Mayo helped.
> Somebody
>looks up in time to catch a glimpse of a red and blue
>figure swinging between rooftops.
Tom: Bless you, Papa Smurf!
>
> SPIDER MAN (V.O.)
> What was I gonna do? Track down all the
> crackheads and give it back?
Mike: [Spidey] Or donate it the local community center?
Get real!
> Anyway, I
> figure there's more than one way to be a
> saint in this world.
Crow: Coming soon, Donald Trump: Sainthood.
> But I've gotta tell
> you, even fighting Sandman was easier
> than turning that bag upside down.
Crow: Well that's not a nice thing to call Aunt May.
Tom: Let's get outta here.
[The trio exits the theater.]
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .]
[The crew is gathered behind the command console.]
Mike: Well.
Crow: Yep.
Tom: Uh-huh.
[Silence.]
Crow: I guess we need to say something.
Mike: It is kinda expected of us.
Tom: Yep.
[More Silence.]
Crow: I guess I'll start. What I don't get about this mess is
why Strand? Spiderman's been in hundreds of comic books
but yet the best Jimmy can come up with is this lame
cross between the Donald and a bug zapper?
Mike: Come on, Crow. Cameron knows what he's doing.
Tom: I have to agree with Crow on this one. I mean, we
could be watching Spidey fight the Kingpin or the
Green Goblin or Venom right now, instead of this guy.
Say, I bet we could've gotten Arnold to play Doctor
Octopus! That'd be great!
Mike: Tom? Remember Mr. Freeze?
Tom: Oh. Yeah. Nevermind.
Crow: The point stand, Mike. This guy's lame.
Voice: [O.S.] Now just one second, True Believer!
[The trio spins towards the hex-screen, which opens to reveal...]
All: Stan Lee!
Stan: Excelsior!
Mike: Mr. Lee! What brings you to our little neck of the woods?
Stan: I just heard you berating our latest Marvelous movie!
Crow: Oh, gosh. We're sorry, Mr. Lee. It's just that... well...
Tom: The film sucks, Stan.
Mike: Tom!
Crow: It sucks hard, Mr. Lee.
Mike: Crow! Now both of you apolo...
Stan: Now hang on, Mike. They're right. This film sucks monkey
turds.
[the trio is stunned.]
Mike: Ex... excuse me?
Stan: The film bites, Mike. I mean, I was tempted to put "Spiderman
Created by Alan Smithee" at the front of the credits.
Tom: Wow! This is really unlike you!
Crow: Usually, you're a huge booster of all Marvel products.
I mean you even liked "The Punisher."
Stan: No, I didn't.
All: What?
Stan: It was horrible. Dolph was all-wrong for the role. And
those idiots couldn't even figure out a way to put a
skull on his chest! A t-shirt, body armor. Something
would've worked!
Tom: Say, what about Corman's Fant...
Stan: Lord, don't even get me started on that one. And Howard
the Duc...
Voice: [O.S.] Blasphemy!
[The trio gasps in shock as who should appear behind Stan
but... ]
All: Stan Lee?
New Stan: The one and only! The miscreant you see before
you is none other than my evil twin, out to
besmirch Marvel's good name!
Evil Stan: Oh, be quiet you wet blanket.
Crow: Excuse me, Mr. Lee? Your evil twin? Isn't that a bit
clichéd?
Stan: What, like you don't have one?
Crow: Never mind.
Stan: My evil twin will stop at nothing to badmouth
fine Marvel products! He must be stopped!
Evil Stan: I've had about enough of you! Henchmen! Attack!
[Hordes of identically clad henchmen leap out of nowhere
and attack the good Stan lee. We'd describe the battle
to you, but in the spirit of this script, we'll just say
it's impressive. Mike, Tom and Crow shake their heads
and turn back towards Cambot, who zooms in on the trio.]
Mike: I guess we should probably stop that.
Crow: We might as well. But how?
Tom: I'm thinking a John Woo-esque gun battle.
Crow: Nah. Let's do a tribute to the 1960s Batman show.
Mike: I've got an idea more in the spirit of things.
I'll just zap "the package" down to Mr. Lee.
[Mike presses a button on the console and steps back,
smiling.]
Crow: Mike? Package?
Mike: Just watch. And no, it's not that.
[Back on the viewscreen, there's a loud *pop* and suddenly
hordes of brightly colored packages fall from the air. The
henchmen gasp and run after them.]
Tom: Is that?
Mike: Yep. Hostess fruit pies.
Crow: Haven't we already done this bit?
Mike: Probably. I've lost count, really.
Tom: But how?
Mike: Oh, a fan sent it to me a while back. Something
Ottoman, I think it was. His note said I might
need it someday. And then, he warned me about gerbils...
Evil Stan: I'd stop badmouthing Marvel for the great taste
of Hostess Fruit Pies! Ooof!
[The "ooof!" comes as Evil Stan is clobbered by the non-evil
Stan Lee.]
Stan: Mike! Thanks for your help.
Mike: No problem, Mr. Lee.
Stan: You know, I've got some pull with NASA. A lot of them
are big fans. Maybe I can help get you do...
Mike: You know, Me. Lee, I really liked your books when I was
growing up. Especially the Flash. Man, he was cool!
Stan: [dryly] Yeah. Well, thanks for the pies, Mike.
Mike: Hey, no prob!
[The hexfield closes. The bots stare coldly at Mike, who's
oblivious to their glares. The movie sign begins to flash.]
Mike: that went well.
Tom: Mike, you really are an idiot.
Mike: What? What did I do?
Crow: Later. Right now, WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!
[Mike hits the button and the door sequence begins.]