MSTed: PSN ad
Martin H. Booda
(Scene: aboard SOL. Message alert flashes. Toilet flush heard. Mike appears
and answers.)
Mike: Hello, Ship o'Love. You shoot 'em, we hoot 'em.
(Cut to Observers.)
Observer 1: Hello, oh primitive life from. We were wondering if you would care
to take part in a brief experiment.
Observer 2: Not that we couldn't compel you to become the subjects...it's just
that, well, we're feeling rather benevolent this morning.
Mike (as robots gather round): Well, let me check our calendar...benefit for
ADD research at two -- darn, forgot all about that -- then on to dinner with
Bruce Willis...well, actually, at the moment we're free. Whatcha got in mind?
Observer 1: We couldn't help but notice that your brains are so primitive and
underdeveloped that you have failed to evolve any of the psychic capabilities
that we have.
Observer 2: However, we have evidence from your shattered world that your race
may have experimented with developing such psychic ability. Something to do
with a certain "Psychic Readers Network"...
Tom: Uh oh...
Observer 1: So today, instead of being forced to to watch the primitive but
fascinating cinematic feature which the member of your race named Pearl
normally transmits to you, we plan to have you watch this peculiar interlude
wherein several humans discuss the development of psychic capabilities.
Crow: A PRN commercial?
All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Observer 2: Of course, to see if the segment has any effect on your meagre
brain powers, we will have to loop the so-called "commercial" several times...
say, fifty or sixty thousand...
Mike: Wait a minute. Just out of curiousity, how did YOU guys get the rights
to this PRN ad?
Observer 1: Primitive earthling! Why, naturally, we monitored the subconscious
thought patterns of the producers of this "ad", as you call it, and produced
it ourselves before it even became a conscious thought in their underdeveloped
brains!
Observer 2: Of course, it is only in the form of a recorded thought pattern.
You will not be required to sit in your ship's viewing chamber to see it; we
will beam it directly into your minds from ours...
Observer 1: This will allow us to monitor your reactions and comments, which
will transmit in the briefest possible instant of time...er, that is, as
quickly as your brains allow...
(Movie light flashes. Mike & bots are whisked out of view...)
> (Image: the words "10 MINUTES FREE", an 800 number and "Call for Details"
> appear. Five stylish women in a trendy apartment are seen sitting and
> conversing.)
Crow: "10 MINUTES FREE"! Ooooh! I've seen this! These babes talk HOT!
Tom: Maybe...but these must be the DISCOUNT babes...
> Rainelle (hangs up phone): I can't believe it! She knew all about me. (The
> words "YOU'LL BE AMAZED" appear)
Crow: Eek!
Mike: Somehow, even if I knew all about her, I don't think I'd be amazed...
> Rainelle: And all I told her was my name and my birthdate.
Tom: ...and my SSN...and my VISA number...and my PIN...and the access codes to
the missile silo I work at...
> Diane: It was amazing. She saw me back in school and I'd just sent for a
> training course!
Mike: Remedial Nap.
> Darline: She told me that I had got a promotion on my job and that's true.
Tom: It's Isabel Sanford!
Crow: "Movin' on up...we finally got a piece of da pie..."
Mike: Promoted? What, from executive actress to Vice President in Charge of
Actresses?
> (more words appear with a loud "DING!")
Crow: Round Two!
> Sandy: And the sample reading is free!
Crow: Queen Latifah?
Tom: No, I think it's Don King...
Mike: No sample is free, honey. Just ask me after my physical...
> Rainelle: One of the most incredible things that she asked was...
Tom: SHE asked YOU? How much did YOU charge?
> Rainelle: ...if I had a fear of water and it's true.
Crow: Liar! What's that octopus doing on your head?
> Ashton: It's like they've known you your whole life.
Mike: Tom, look behind her! That lamp that looks like you!
Tom: John! My brother! God, what have they done...
> Sandy: I just planned a trip to Europe this summer (this is really true).
Mike: Ah, at last she's telling the truth.
Tom: Scopalamine musta kicked in.
Crow: "...and I figured I'd have to drive 8,000 miles..."
> Sandy: She said I'd meet a tall mediterranean man...
Tom: Moammar Qaddafi?
Crow: And an honest lawyer...and a clean Italian public rest room...and several
other oxymorons...
> Diane: I asked my psychic about children in my future, and she...
Crow: ...said "Maybe after we get to know each other a bit first"...
> Diane: ...saw two...possibly twins!
Mike: It would have been more intriguing if she said she saw two triplets.
> Ashton: When I asked my psychic about the relationship I'm in now...
Tom: With the ol' Gipper?
Crow: "Mah-mee!"
Mike: This is the first commercial I've seen with a Token White.
> Ashton: She said not only will it last but it's going to a higher level.
Crow: Kinda like Linda Blair?
Tom: He'll let HER be on top next time.
> Announcer: Get your free ten minutes now (words appear: DON'T WAIT) from
Psychic Readers Network! (words rotate with a sucking sound and another DING!:
CALL NOW, then DON'T WAIT)
Tom: I think we should wait.
Crow: No! Don't wait!
> Announcer: Get the free time you need! (words: CALL NOW)
Tom: Maybe we should call later.
Crow: No! CALL NOW!
> Announcer: Call now for ten minutes free.
> Ashton: PRN has the best psychics.
Mike: "Psychics"? Then shouldn't it be _S_RN?
Tom: I Psuppose...
> Rainelle: You get a great reading...(another DING!)
Crow: We're in the fifteenth round and these ladies are still slugging it out!
> Rainelle: And it's free!
Tom: Good thing for her...looks like she spent all her money on lumber for
those teeth.
> Darline: Why do you think I let you call from my house? (Ashton, Diane and
> Sandy all laugh)
Mike: We would have stolen your card and called from a pay phone.
> Announcer: Get your ten minutes free! Call now. Call 1-800-xxx-xxxx.
Crow: Ten minutes with those chicks? They'd have to pay ME.
Tom: Maybe, if you went five rounds.
--
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