MiSTied: ***THE ENEMY IS NOW WITHIN***, part 2

[Mary Spears]

The continuation of the MiSTie. Enjoy!
-Mary Spears
spe...@net-connect.net
*******************************

>In order for them to accomplish anything through Agression, they'd
>HAVE to pull a "ID4" on us.

Tom: Didn't the aliens in ID4...die?
Crow: Maybe, we're really in the Marvel universe; in which case, they'll
be back in a few weeks.
Mike: What?
Tom and Crow: Never mind...

>But any strategist knows, a war would be all for not.

Crow: Who's Not and why would the war be just for him?
Tom: How rude! Didn't his mother teach him to _share_?

>I mean, why deny yourself your greatest resource? We'd all perish in a
>war of this nature.

Mike: (John Cleese-pompous) Actually, people tend to perish in a war of
_any_ nature.
Crow: It's called a severe allergic reaction to bullets.

>However, the Enemy can "convince" us to do their

Tom: Homework!
Mike: Laundry!
Crow: Unattractive little sisters!
Mike & Tom: CROW!!

>biddings.

Crow: Aww.
Mike: Wow! That was late night, Crow old buddy.
Crow: Heh. (Dennis Franz voice) Tonight on "MST3K Blue"...
Tom: Do I get to show my butt?

>Example: You can hypnotize someone and give them a loaded gun,
>however, you cannot tell that man to kill someone if he knows he
>really wouldn't.

Tom: Oh, so you've tried.
Mike: But...uh...if he's hypnotized, then, he wouldn't really know what
was going on...would he?
Crow: I think this logic would make even Spock scream.

>But, you CAN trick him by telling him under hypnosis, that he was
>given a *water-gun*, so then by telling him to "squirt" people, he is
>now obeying your commands only because he thinks he's not.

All:HUH??
Tom: This guy has all the eloquence of a chimp on speed.
Mike: This post is giving me hives. Let's get out of here.

[*...2...3...4...5...6...SOL Bridge]

[The lights on the bridge are dimmed ever so slightly. Mike is sitting
in the middle, in his "Masterpiece Theatre" chair. Crow is right beside
him, waving a shiny gold watch in front of his face. Tom is off to one
side, giggling uncontrollably.]

Crow: OK, Mike...you are getting sleepy...sleepy...
Mike: Um, I don't think this is going to work, Crow.
Tom: Sssshhhut up, Mike! It'll never work if you don't stop babbling!
Mike: Oh, come on, you guys...there is no way in the world that
I'll...that I...

[Mike's eyes close and his head droops forward. Crow drops the watch.
Don't ask how, it's just a show! Tom resumes giggling uncontrollably.]

Crow: At last! I'll finally be able to decide who lives and who dies! I'M
THE GOD!!! HOMO SAPIENS! HA! WEAK-MINDED FOOLS! MWAH HA HA HA HA HA!! Now
all I need is a gun...

[Both begin searching the bridge in an attempt to find a gun.]

Tom: Uh...how about a paper clip?
Crow: Keep searching, you fool! Power is within my grasp! There must
be something deadly around here!

[Crow disappears under the console, throwing junk up behind him.]

Gypsy: (off-stage) Are you boys cooking in there?
Tom: No...
Gypsy: (still off-stage) Are you making an Interocitor?
Tom and Crow: NO!!

[Gypsy enters from stage left.]

Gypsy: Oh. Well, what _is_ going on in here?
Tom: Crow's on a power trip again.
Gypsy: Oh. OK.

[She leaves, looking...well, more bewildered than usual, if that's
possible. Meanwhile, the SOL is beginning to look as if the Armageddon
has occurred on it. After a few more minutes of frantic searching...]

Tom: (with a weird pink thing on his head) Anything?

[Crow emerges laughing loudly, kinda like a higher-pitched version of
Darkness in Legend.]

Tom: What? What??
Crow: I have found the dealiest weapon of all! It has enslaved entire
cultures! Destroyed millions of lives! Overthrown judicial systems!
Tom: (shaking excitedly) WHAT???
Crow: A THREE YEAR OLD TWINKIE!!!!

[Somehow, lightning strikes, thunder rolls, a wolf howls, and they laugh
evilly together. Suddenly, however, their hideous joy is destroyed as
lights flash and a buzzer sounds.]

Mike: Aaaahh! Football practice! Oh, wait...never mind, it's just USENET
SIGN!!
Crow: NOOOOOO!!

[Mike leaps up from his chair, and general panic ensues as all exit into
the theater.]

[6...5...4...3...2...*...theater]

[Mike and Tom take their seats. Crow enters a beat late, and takes his
seat much, much more slowly than usual.]

Crow: Oh, damn you, Nelson! I was on the verge of finally being in
control, but noooo, you had to WAKE UP...(He sobs dramatically)
Mike: Oh, hush. You know no one can make us humans do anything we don't
really want to do.
[Tom snickers.]
Crow: (turning his head away and pouting heavily) Oh, I never get to have
any fun...
Mike: Shh, the post's starting again.
Tom: (dripping with sarcasm) Oh, lucky us. We should've brought
sparklers to celebrate.
Mike: Shh!
Crow: (muttering) Foiled! Foiled!

>Let's be a little more descriptive.

Tom: Therefore, a lot less articulate.
Crow: Noooo! Not another useless example! I'll be good! I swear!

>Say that you're one of those people who like to help people out be
>donating money to your local Red Cross.

Crow: That's right! MY Red Cross! Mine! And don't you forget it, bub!
Mike: (holds a hand to his forehead) You sure you're feeling okay?
[Crow snickers madly.]

>You know there's nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact,
>you'll believe its a really great thing, you're helping your fellow man.

Tom: OK, there must be a catch here somewhere...

>But say all that money is really paying for all the underground bases
>the Government builds for the Enemy?

Tom: And, BANG! There it is!
Crow: Um, can you say 'paranoid schitzophrenia'? I knew you could!
Tom: Yeah, I bet this guy watches X-Files and believes it's based on
actual cases.
Mike: It's not?
[The bots stare at him.]
Mike: It was a joke! Sheez!
Crow: Don't do that, Mike. I thought I was going to have to put you down
for the good of the human race.

>If you knew you were going against your own fucking race, you, I'm
>sure, would not pay.

Tom: Would you like to earn more money? Sure, we all do!
Crow: I don't really get how that fits in...
Tom: Oh, one of us had to say it.

>So they'll just make you believe you're doing a "good" thing,...shit,
>they may even reward you so it may encourage your initiative.

Crow: Sit, Homo sapiens, sit! Gooood humans.
Mike: Oh, would you stop?

>And they accomplish this very easily: To pose as the previous human that
>previously told YOU what to do.

Tom: Also, posing as the previous human that previously told the previous
human that previously told you what to do in order to prevent any
mistakes that would cause that previous human suspicion. I see, very
simple.

>To try to do this looking like an alien would cause great panic,
>chaos, and extreme distrust.

Crow: Unless you're Natasha Henstridge.
Mike: Or Nuveena.
Tom: Wouldn't the extreme distrust come previous to the great panic which
would come previous to the chaos which would come previous...
[Tom is smacked by Crow.]
Tom: Wha...? Oh, thanks, I needed that.
Crow: My extreme pleasure.

>But to do this looking like a human, now, they're one of the boys.

Mike: Apparently, Johnny hasn't discovered the existence of girls, yet.
Tom: Thank God! Could you imagine if he spawned??
[All shiver convulsively.]

>For those of you who actually read this far...

Mike: Take a bottle of cyanide. There's no hope for you.
Tom: And, if you have trouble, I'll be happy to help you.

>I'll let you know what to look for...

Crow: And, if you see anyone that resembles this description, you might
want to clean your glasses.
Mike: Or stop eating funny-looking mushrooms...

>1) The eyes. A yellowish-tint replaces the otherwise White are of the
>eyeball.

Tom: And, with a few more shots of tequila, you can see a map of
Montana!

>The pupils, instead of being round on a Human, are more "oval"
>shaped, almost just as a lizard's pupil. I've heard that in some
>hybrids, the similarity to a snake's pupil

Mike: I thought it was a lizard's pupil...?
Crow: You're reaching now, aren't you, Mike?
Mike: Oh, shut up.

>causes some of these aliens to wear dark glasses, or something that
>gets the attention of the eyes.

Tom: But I thought they didn't want people paying attention to their
eyes...
Mike: Maybe they want peolpe to?
Tom: OK, I think we've officially run that joke into the ground, don't
you?

>2) The skin. The flesh is quite convincing compared to a Human's
>skin.

Crow: Hey! You know, if it wasn't for the green scales, I would never
have recognized you in a crowd of humans!

>However, to the touch, it is quite different. It is more like
>"leather", rubber even.

Mike: (before either bot can respond) Can the contraceptive jokes!
Crow: (huffy) You're such a stick in the mud...

>This is because they do not secrete natural
>oils through their skin like we do. They may have little if any hair on
>their skin like we do.

Mike: Sounds to me like he's comparing them to Patrick Stewart.
Tom: Number One! Get your lips off that alien and help me examine this
glowing goo!
Crow: I still think Wesley should have been kicked out of an airlock...

>3) The Smell. Seeing as how they secrete waste through they're skin,

All: Eewwww!!

>they tend to have a strong amonia-like smell. Sometimes like Hydrogen
>Peroxide too.

Tom: So basically, they're walking litter boxes...?
Mike: Now, there's a lovely image. Thanks!
Tom: I do try my best...

>4) Their blood. Their blood is not red like ours, nor does it carry
>oxygen through their body like it does with humans.

Mike: OK, who else thinks he's just making this stuff up as he goes now?
[Crow raises his hand. Tom would raise his hand if he had functional
arms.]

>They've been said to have a more "pinkish", almost "purple" color.

Crow: There's some kind of lewd comment there, and it's killing me
that I don't know what it is!
Tom: I know, I know!
Mike: Clam it, Servo!
Tom: (whispering to Crow) When did he become a prude?
Crow: Three seconds after he was born.
Mike: Just for that, you can forget about meat loaf night!

>I wouldn't be here, wasting time typing all this shit if I wasn't
>POSITIVELY SURE it was real.

Tom: (as Johnny Redd) Just like the Tooth Fairy!

>People must be aware of their surrounding a little more carefully.

Mike: Yeah, you never know when a mutant bush is gonna jump out an mug
you. Better keep your eyes peeled!
Tom: Wouldn't that hurt?
Mike: Remember: they're not like us...

>We may not be able to defy them right now.

Crow: Nah! We can wait till next week! We gotta find out what Mulder
would do first!
Tom: (Batmanish) Quick Scully! To the office!

>But if everyone would just extend their horizons just a little bit
>more, and get educated on this subject,

Mike: (As Johnny) Yous have ta gets at least to the fourth grade likes
I's did or youlls never survive!

>we may have the power to fight back.

Crow: MAY have the power! MAY! There's no guarantee in Johnny's world.
Remember that.
Tom: No brains, either.

>The first step now, for the Human Resistance,

Tom: Oooh, it's the Age of Apocalypse!
Mike: What??
Tom & Crow: Never mind...

>is to IDENTIFY THE ENEMY.

Crow: His name is Johnny Redd. Spam his mailbox full of "The Jim Carrey
Fan Club" material today.
Mike: And, if you have time, a few Care Bear fan fics!
Tom: (in an annoying high-pitched voice) Hi! I'm Spamheart! And, I
looove you!

>OR.....let them make you "grab your ankles"

Tom: I CAN'T!
Mike: He didn't mean you.
Tom: Oh.
Crow: Um...I, uh, pass on this one...

>Becuase if you're not with us (Human Resistance), you're against us.

Tom: The Ku Klux Klan would looove to have this guy in their little
group.
Mike: (as a hick) Gotta match, boy? Well, then, welcome to th' club!
Crow: (muttering under his breath) Ankle-grabbing...heh! That's bad.

>Us or them Gentlemen...

All: OH!
Tom: (shaking his head) Ouch! Every woman on earth is gonna be after
this guy...
Mike: Armed with bricks, pitchforks, and shotguns.
Crow: And tapes of Summer's Eve commercials.
Tom and Mike: Yikes!

>You're either for Patriotism amd all the freedoms therein, or, or
>maybe you're for Dictatorship.

Mike: Or maybe you're just stupid.
Tom: That's got my vote.
Crow: If this is the _leader_ of the "Human Resistence", then I don't
want to see the troops.
Tom: We could always let the aliens do our dirty work and wipe out this
dimbulb for us...
Mike: Then, we can nuke Idaho and TAKE OVER THE WORLD OURSELVES!! MWA
HAHAHAHAHA!!
Tom: Mike, the doctor told you to take your medication _every_day_.
Crow: It's not his fault, Servo...I think Dr. F. is rubbing off on him.

>The chose is yours.

Crow: Well, what about the choice?
Tom: You can't have_that_. That's asking for waaay too much!

>Get smart,

Tom: Why do I have this sudden urge to start talking into a shoe?
Mike: (As Maxwell Smart) I was _that_ close!

>know the enemy BEFORE they know you.

Crow: WE DO! THAT'S WHY HE'S ABOUT TO FIND HIS E-MAIL BOX SPAMMED
FULL OF STEVE URKEL'S A MILLION REASONS TO LIKE CHEESE!
Mike: (Picks up Tom) Let's hurry and get out of here before he thinks of
anything else to torture us with!

[*...2...3...4...5...6...SOL Bridge]

Mike: Wow! That post was disgustingly incoherent!
Tom: Yeah, it was almost as weird as that "The AIDS virus is actually a
government scam designed to destroy Iraq!" theory.
Mike: Y'know...I bet after posting that drivel, Johnny's face sure turned
Redd.

[Tom shakes his head slowly, then suddenly turns to face Mike, startled.]

Tom: Hey, where's Crow? Normally he'd be beating you over the head right
now for making a pun like that...
Mike: Hmm...good question, Servo. Well, I did threaten to take away meat
loaf night, and that was pretty cruel...do you think he's in his room
pouting again?

[Right as Mike finishes this line, Crow comes on-stage with a decidedly
creepy-looking guy (who, oddly enough, bears a striking resemblance to
much put-upon MST3K staff writer Paul Chaplin) in tow. The creepy guy
appears bald and wears very dark sunglasses. Mike's nose wrinkles the
minute he arrives. Crow looks giddy. Tom looks horrified...or rather, as
horrified as a gumball machine can look.]

Crow: Oh, hi, Mike! Meet my new friend! (whispering to Mike and Tom) He's
actually an alien hybrid who's going to help me take over the world so I
can decide who lives and who dies. Isn't that neat?
Mike: What...?
Tom: How...?
Dr. F.: (off-screen) I DON'T THINK SO!
All: Huh?

[POV switches to Deep 13. Dr. F. looks shocked. Frank looks amused.]

Dr. F.: There's no way you're going to steal _my_ thunder, alien boy!! I
plan to be the ruler of this little planet, thank you...um...say...Frank,
that alien guy bears suspicious resemblance to you...

[Frank says nothing, but merely aims a megawatt evil grin at Dr. F.
Realization dawns.]

Dr. F.: ...NOOOO!!!

[Frank begins to chuckle as he pushes the button.]

STANDARD LEGAL DISCLAIMER CRAP:

Mike, Crow, Servo, Gypsy, Dr. Forrester, and TV's Frank all belong to the
lovely folks at Best Brains, Incorporated. The original text of this
MiSTing belongs to Johnny Redd, to whom the authors mean no actual hatred
nor physical violence. We just think he needs help. All riffs, gags, lame
jokes and what have you belong to Mary "I'M the Goddess of Hellfire!"
Spears and Lisa "Queen of the Amazons" Wolf, except for the "MST3K Blue"
line, which came from the wonderfully warped minds of Bill Corbett (the
man!) and Mary Jo Pehl (she's OK too), and this disclaimer, which was
liberally stolen from John Seavey because I found it funny. Deal with it,
pinkboy. Special thanks to the teachers of America, etc. Mmm-wah!
Goodnight, everybody!

***********************
>Unfortunately, the average person is always a skeptic, and to see the
>enemy with a skeptic's eye, you wouldn't know one if he gave you a
>"speeding ticket".***********************