[MiSTing] "Delusion of the Vampire"
FlamingHat
these things go, so I don't have a lot of host segments and whatnot. Truth be
told, the format probably isn't 100% correct, and I'm sure it's not the best
MSTing you've ever read. But I'm rather proud of it, and it's at least
readable, so at least take the time to read it and tell me how horrible it was,
and how you're going to find me and kill my family. Then I'll know someone read
it, anyway. The subject is a horrible short story discovered from the darkest
corners of the Internet, titled "The Delusion of the Vampire".
(Intro)
***(1 2 3 4 5 6)***
(opens on SOL)
MIKE: Hey, Tom, what’re you up to?
SERVO: Well, Mike, I’ve invented something useful the whole world will love!
MIKE: Yeah?
SERVO (holding up small bottle): And it’s all in this little bottle!
MIKE: Um...it looks like shampoo...
SERVO: And right you are! But not just any shampoo!
MIKE: Go on...
SERVO: This little bottle will revolutionize the dandruff shampoo industry!
MIKE (with sudden interest): Yeah?
SERVO: Just use it like any other shampoo, and it converts your dandruff flakes
into sugar!
MIKE (confused): Sugar? Why would you want that?
SERVO: Is there something WRONG with sugar?
MIKE: Well, no, it’s just that...well, for one thing, it’s still gonna look
like you’ve got something on your scalp...
SERVO: Right, but if people point it out, you can just chuckle and say, "That’s
not dandruff! It’s sugar!" And you can then make up some excuse as to why it’s
in your hair.
MIKE: Well...okay, but you can lie about your dandruff even if it ISN’T
sugar...
SERVO: But if you use this shampoo it can really BE sugar, Mike! If people
don’t believe you, you can just take some of the flakes and put them in your
coffee or something!
MIKE: Well, uh...I guess...
(CROW enters)
CROW: Hey, Mike! I was just trying this shampoo out for Servo, and it works
great!
MIKE: But you don’t have hair!
CROW: Well, true...that is a downside...
MIKE (notices flashing light): Oh, great. Pearl's calling. Get that, will you,
Tom?
(cuts to Castle Forrester)
PEARL: Hey, imprisoned human and robot pals...it's been a pretty boring week
here on Earth...nothing evil to do...
BOBO (runs into picture with shampoo bottle): Hey Lawgiver, check this stuff
out! I made a shampoo that turns your fleas into duck sauce!
(cuts back to SOL)
SERVO: Hey! You ripped me off!
MIKE: Is he actually going to use that?
CROW: Stand back, folks...this could get ugly...
(cuts back to Castle Forrester)
PEARL: Bobo, what...the hell...?
BOBO (melting into duck sauce all over the floor): Oh, heh heh...I guess I have
a few more fleas than I thought, heh heh...hey, anyone have any Chinese food
laying around?
PEARL: Bobo, that is...the most sickening thing I've ever seen....
(OBSERVER enters)
OBSERVER: Hello, Pearl, I've found just the story to...DEAR GOD!
BOBO (Licking his arm): Hey, Brain-Guy! Want some?
OBSERVER: I would vomit my vital organs all over the floor right now if I had
any...
PEARL: Ahhhhghh...Brain-Guy, just send Mike the story while I shoot Bobo
here...
OBSERVER: With pleasure. Mike, that which you are being forced to read today
was discovered on a web site filled with bad horror fiction. This is called
"Delusion of the Vampire", and it should put you in as much pain as Bobo is
putting us in right now...
(cuts back to SOL)
SERVO: This sounds bad, Mike...
(MST Post Sign)
CROW: Post sign!!!
MIKE: D’oh...
***(6 5 4 3 2 1)***
(enter theater)
>The Delusion of the Vampire
MIKE: Here we go.
CROW: So this is about a mentally ill vampire. Sounds like fun....
>I was a vampire.
SERVO: That’s what my parents always told me.
>Nothing more, nothing less.
MIKE: Yep, just a regular vampire...
>Yes, vampires do exist.
CROW: Is this the delusion in the title, Mike?
MIKE: Don’t ask me...
>Yes, vampires do drink the blood of mortals for sustenance.
SERVO: Are you happy now??
>NO, I am not crazy.
MIKE: But you’re delusional, right?
>And yes, I am writing this from beyond two graves, for I perished from the
>species of mortals over 440 years ago, and perished from the species of
>vampire 11 years ago (or so I believe; that may be incorrect).
CROW: But I digress; the reason I am writing this is a bag of your potato chips
I recently purchased which were all burned. I would like to request a refund.
>However, unlike most of my kind, I did not choose to be a vampire;
SERVO: So you can’t REALLY blame me for killing your entire family and sucking
their blood out their necks, heh heh...
>it was thrust upon me by a vampire who did not wish to seek permission to
>replenish his clan.
MIKE: Tsk tsk. The little rebel.
>I never even knew his name, as he was killed by members of his clan for
>breaking vampire law.
CROW: So I just sat down for a nice vampire dinner with my vampire friends, and
we watched vampire movies in a vampire theater till I got called for vampire
jury duty and...
MIKE: Calm down there, buddy.
>And I was therefore pushed most violently into the realm of the undead.
SERVO: Oh, yeah, I know what THAT’S like...
>Death by vampirism does not come quickly;
CROW: Mike, I don’t think I like vampire lectures.
MIKE: Yeah...
>in fact, if you are unfortunate (or fortunate; it depends on your point of
>view), you will live until the sun goes nova and demolishes the planet.
SERVO: So vampires can only die by exploding suns?
>For with vampirism comes immortality, and with immortality comes the
>bereavement of the loss of those you once loved (unless, of course, they
>are also vampires).
CROW: Now, any questions?
MIKE: We will now move on to our next speaker, a delusional mummy...
>And, eventually, you must avoid them, or, better yet, fake your own death.
SERVO: ...or do nothing, really, but the other two choices are more fun...
>For they will grow old, and a vampire, true to legend, never ages.
CROW: So Dick Clark is a vampire, Cindy Crawford is a vampire...
>If you had seen me while I still had possession of my vampiric body, you
>would have seen a normal 30-year old man.
MIKE: Well, save the pale white skin and fangs.
>But, had you grown to know me, you would quickly have realized from any
>conversation that this could not be more false.
SERVO: I speak like an 80-year-old woman.
>After all, I have the accumulated knowledge of more than four centuries of
>mankind, and I possess a very keen mind.
CROW: Oh, so the reason we’re not getting any of this is because of how much
keener his mind is than ours?
>For I am--was--nearing my 429th birthday.
MIKE: Until YOU came along, Steve...
>But I digress.
SERVO: Getting back on topic, quantum physics...
>Where was I?
CROW: A vampire with Alzheimer’s...
>ah, yes, I remember.
MIKE: ...everything but how to capitalize sentences...
>As I was saying, I did not choose to become a vampire.
SERVO: Mike, was he really saying that?
MIKE: Humor him, Tom, he’s a vampire...
>As such, I frequently longed to be mortal again, to feel age weathering my
>flesh, to grow old, and, finally, to die.
CROW: Weird, I don’t age and I never feel that way...
>By mere coincidence, I had been mulling over any such prospects of
>becoming human again the night I first felt the presence of the man who
>took my second human life.
SERVO: You've already lost TWO human lives, huh? How many times have I told
you, ya gotta be more careful with those things...
>I was sitting in my library, when I felt a burst of absolute cold pass across
>my soul.
MIKE: The damned furnace broke again...
>And yes, we vampires do indeed possess souls.
CROW: Is all this information on vampires actually leading up to anything?
SERVO: One can only hope...
>It is one of the very few things we retain from our human lives.
MIKE: That and our hatred for Joel Schumacher...
>But anyway, I threw down my book and dashed out into the street, and
>began to run frantically down the pavement, peering into every dark alley
>(which in New York, where I lived, is sure folly for any mortal) within a
radius
>of about twenty city blocks.
CROW: And you did this why?
SERVO: It’s fun going temporarily insane!
>Even in New York, such eccentric actions do not go unnoticed.
MIKE: Yeah, but that stuff happens all the time in New York, anyway...
>Needless to say, I returned to my apartment with as much dignity as I could
>muster under the circumstances.
CROW: Well, what did you expect?
>Then next night I was stalking my midnight meal.
SERVO: Dave Thomas!
CROW: Why Dave Thomas?
SERVO: Hey, you have a PROBLEM with Dave Thomas?
CROW: Well no, I...guess not...
>One of the few vampiric pleasures I allowed myself is that every month, I
>chose a large, evil crime lord or mobster, and followed him around for a
>month.
MIKE: Then I forgot why I was doing this and went back home.
>And near the end of the month, at some time when his guard had dropped, I
>feasted upon him.
CROW: Only males, huh? A sexist vampire...
>And on the first of the next month, I chose another victim, and the cycle
>renewed itself.
SERVO: That’s the FUN of being a vampire?
>I called these victims my "Big Fish."
MIKE: Reel Big Fish.
>This particular man was a Mafioso from Queens, who sent his enforcers to
>collect "protection" money from the people who lived in his area of
>business.
CROW: Mafioso. Now THAT’S a cool name.
>His deal was "I protect you from me for a fee."
SERVO: Sounds like a good deal.
>He liked that phrase;
MIKE: He made up a tune to go along with it and everything...
>it suited his twisted sense of humor.
CROW: And boy, it just gets funnier every time you hear it!
SERVO: I protect you from me for a fee!
CROW: HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oh, that’s a RIOT!
MIKE: That Mafioso, boy, he’s a real comedian!
>And there I was, following him around his jaunts like a shadow, waiting for
>the moment when he would drop his guard that I might strike.
SERVO: That I might twist grammar in confusing ways...
>Somewhere past 23rd Street, I felt that same inexplicable frost pass over
>my soul again.
MIKE: Thank God for the VAMPIRE SOUL DEFROSTING SYSTEM!!! Yours for only $19.95
plus shipping and handling.
>However, this time, I had the strange sensation that someone--or
>something--was trying to part my body and soul, bypassing death.
CROW: That’s about what I feel whenever I watch “The World’s Funniest”.
>As I felt the sensation pass, however, I whirled my body around and struck
>out blindly with my unnaturally fast arms--and then I connected suddenly
>with the shoulder of a wizened old man.
MIKE: Santa! No!
>The blow caught him unawares, and he spun into the air, crashing into the
>snow a few feet away.
CROW: A vampire that beats up on old guys.
>I quickly realized my error, and, reaching into my pocket, withdrew a large
>handful of bills, which I thrust at him.
SERVO: Here! Pay my electric bill! And here’s my latest order from Amazon.com!
You’re paying for it!
CROW: Shut up.
SERVO: Hee hee...
>"My apologies," I stuttered, "I mistook you for someone else."
MIKE: Some other old guy I wanted to hit.
>He nodded and quickly hobbled off, as I searched in vain for my Big Fish
CROW: Who had sold out with me, oh yeah.
>. . . and discovered that he had made his getaway in the confusion.
SERVO: Damn you, Mafioso!!!
>It was nearly dawn, and I still had not fed, but since none of the twelve
>apartments I possessed in or around the city was close enough presently to
>allow me to feed, with time to return, I decided to forego my meal, and
>retire to my coffin.
MIKE: Jeez, sentence long enough?
>I walked swiftly to my apartment on East 47th Street, and I entered the
>building just in time to see a dark shadow flee from the general direction of
>my apartment.
CROW: Where’s he going with this story, Mike?
MIKE: I think we’ll be disappointed.
>I briefly considered giving chase, but decided against it.
SERVO: I preferred to go hit some more old guys...
>The sun would rise imminently, and I wished to be in my coffin well before it
>rose.
CROW: Where’d he get a coffin, anyway?
>Besides, I had thought, there would be enough of his/her scent in the room
>to trace him the next day.
MIKE: A bloodhound vampire.
>And as I entered the room, the absence of a scent made me frown; only
>vampires and other such beings--extremely skilled human magicians and
>werewolves--can conceal their scents as such.
SERVO: Oh, so we’ve got WEREWOLVES now?
>Enough of this, I thought.
CROW: How long could I go on with this stupid vampire thing?
>I will consider it in the morning.
MIKE: What is there to consider?
>Until then, I must rest.
SERVO: Good. You do that, we’ll be outside.
MIKE: There’s no oxygen on the satellite while we’re in here, Tom, you’re
staying here.
SERVO: Just make it end, Mike! Please!
MIKE: I wish I could...
>The next evening, as I awoke, there was a human standing in my coffin
>chamber.
CROW: Now maybe we’ll see some action...
>"What are you doing here, human?" I growled.
MIKE: We’d like you to try our fine brand of vacuum cleaner...
>"Come to try and kill me? If so, you're far too late. I died well over four
>hundred years ago."
SERVO: Does he greet all people this way?
>"No," he replied,"I've come to make a deal with a devil. Yourself, namely.
CROW: So he’s Satan now?
>For you can see, I've learned of your desire to become human once more.
MIKE: It says so right in your AOL member profile...
>And I can offer you that opportunity," he stated smugly, a wide grin
>spreading over his face.
SERVO: It’s the evil Wide-Grinning Man!!!
>"All right, you have my attention," I admitted. "How?"
CROW: Well, that’s the part I haven’t quite figured out yet...
>"It's fairly simple, really. All you have to do is let me push your soul out
of
>your body.
MIKE: Oh, okay!
>Then, you can enter the body you see me in, and I'll stay in yours.
SERVO: Uh, right...why didn’t I think of that before...
>We can do this for as long or as short of a time as you like," he said.
CROW: Well, this is just getting more believable by the second, isn’t it?
>"What's the catch?" I queried.
MIKE: Well, I’m not sure it’ll work...
>"It'll cost you five million dollars, U.S. funds," he said,
SERVO: But all my money is in Yen!
>"and don't pretend you don't possess more than quadruple the amount.
CROW: Woah, a vampire with lots of stock in Microsoft, I guess...
>I hacked into your bank files via modem and saw your account status."
MIKE: Wait, let’s review: our vampire here lives by himself in New York in a
coffin chamber, is a multimillionaire, runs through the streets looking into
every alley he finds, and doesn’t age, yet he STILL manages not to attract
attention to himself?
CROW: Only in New York.
>“All right, you've got me there," I remarked casually,
SERVO: A casual vampire!
>"but how do I know you'll give me my body back when I want you to?"
CROW: Since when was he ever going to want it back?
>"I thought you'd never ask," he said, grinning again,
MIKE: Oh no, he’s gonna SING!
>"so I've come up with a plan.
SERVO: I’ve come up with a plan to make sure I don’t get out of this with a
better deal, heh heh...d'oh!
>You introduce me to your banker,
CROW: I knew it! he just wants a date with his banker!
>and tell him that after the date we make the switch, the person in the body
>that I'm in, and only that person, may remove the five million, and again,
>only five million, from your account."
MIKE: Of course, he could just take the body, kill the guy once he’s human,
then switch back and forth between bodies at will for eternity AND get the
money, but other than that the plan sounds great!
>"Sounds foolproof for the both of us," I admitted.
SERVO: This guy admits half his sentences...
>"So you'll do it?" he asked eagerly.
CROW: Well, no.
>"Maybe. I'll think about it.
MIKE: Aww, just do it and end this lousy story!
>But if I do decide to go ahead, I'll pay you three million.
SERVO: Haggling with a vampire...
>Not a cent more."
CROW: I don’t get it. Why does he want to be human again for a short period of
time? What does that get him?
>"All right," he replied. "For three million, I'll switch bodies with you three
>times if you want. Any more flip-flops will cost you one and a half million
>more."
MIKE: That’s some expensive footwear...
>"Okay," I said. "By the way, that was you in here last night, and those times
>I felt a shadow over my soul, wasn't it."
SERVO: You broke my furnace, didn’t you.
>I made it a statement, not a question.
CROW: Hence the punctuation.
>"Yes, it was," he sounded shameless.
MIKE: This dialogue has me on the edge of my seat here, guys!
SERVO: Yep, put a shadow over your soul, heh heh. Yep. Huh. Well, best be goin’
now, heh...
>"If you ever pull those stunts again, I'll do more than take a quick snack,"
CROW: Like last time.
SERVO: Was there a last time?
CROW: I don’t know, when DID he have this “quick snack”?
>and with that I launched myself at him, and sank my fangs into his neck.
CROW: Oh, well, that’d explain it, then.
>I took a quick drink, then closed up the puncture holes.
MIKE: With what? Vaseline? Motor oil? Acrylic paint?
>I pulled a bottle of cheap whiskey out, dragged him into the hall, and poured
>it all over his face and torso.
SERVO: To cleverly make others think he had been bathing in liquor...
>I then placed the bottle in his hands.
CROW: Hmm, I don’t get it.
MIKE: Yeah, what’s he getting at?
>Now anyone who passed by would simply assume he was drunk.
CROW: Oh! I get it now!
MIKE: Yeah, thanks for clearing that up.
>I then departed, being careful to lock the door to my apartment, and went
>in search of my Big Fish.
SERVO: Mafioso, you are MINE!!
>I caught up to him on the outskirts of Little Italy, his stomping grounds.
CROW: Mobsters are so stereotyped these days...
>Unfortunately, he been up to his elbows in bodyguards, and I not wanted to
>draw attention to myself after what had occurred the previous night.
MIKE: Wait, WHO’S the drunk one again?
SERVO: He been up to his elbows in bodyguards but I not wanted to draw
attention, ya?
>It would have been an awful idea to spend a night in jail, where I might fry
>from the sun in the morning.
CROW: Yes, I’m immortal, though.
>That would be extremely unpleasant.
MIKE: You don’t have to explain everything so thoroughly! Just get on with it!
>And therefore I was forced again to move off and look for easier prey.
SERVO: What? There’s no final showdown with Mafioso??
MIKE: What a let down!
>I sought out the pickpockets, the petty thieves, and the purse-snatchers to
>relieve my blood lust.
CROW: Are those all really bad band names, or what...
>When I was satiated, I returned to one of my apartments (I'm not sure
>which) and found the human, who had showered and changed, but was still
>looking weak from loss of blood, waiting for me.
MIKE: How’d he know which apartment he was gonna go to?
>His name had somehow never seemed to be of importance, but I felt my
>curiosity surge,
SERVO: SURGE!!!!!
>and I greeted him with an abrupt question.
CROW: What’s bacon?
>"What's your name?"
MIKE: All his surging curiosity was just poured out into that question.
>"Any name will suffice, but call me James," he replied with an air of
>casualness his body language belied.
SERVO: Any name, huh? Well, I’ll just call you Foggy, then?
>"Very well, James, come in."
CROW: No.
>"Thank you."
MIKE: More exciting dialogue!
>"You're welcome."
SERVO: A well-mannered vampire!
>He broke the silence that ensued with "Have you come to a decision yet?"
CROW: No.
>"Yes, I have," I replied.
MIKE: Oh, you mean you didn’t “admit”?
>"I've decided to take you up on your offer for one day.
SERVO: What makes him think this will even work?
>Twenty-four hours, and no more, to begin in one week, one hour from
>sunrise.
CROW: Now let’s get started, huh?
>After that day, I may choose to become human again for a longer period of
>time.
MIKE: Yes, we get it, just DO SOMETHING, DAMN YOU!!!
>Think of this one day as being a 'trial run', so to speak."
SERVO: If I wish to continue using this body, I must first pay the Shareware
fee.
>"All right," he said,
CROW: Actually, it would be “alright” in that text...
SERVO: Well, maybe he actually means “all right”, like “everything is correct”.
MIKE: Hey, no boring debates in the theater.
>"When will you introduce me to your banker?"
CROW: I told you! He’s just after the BANKER!!
MIKE: I wonder if the banker’s hot?
SERVO: Didn’t it refer to the banker as “he”?
>"Right now," I replied, rising swiftly from the couch I was seated upon, and
>grasping his elbow, tugging him to his feet.
MIKE: That’s kind of an awkward way of pulling him up...
>"I've made arrangements for a special meeting in twenty minutes.
CROW: I just didn’t tell the readers because I didn’t think they needed to
know!
SERVO: Y’know, this and Agent For H.A.R.M. could get along well together...
>He keeps special hours just for me,
MIKE: Woah, the banker IS male...
CROW: He keeps “special hours” just for HIM?? That’s DISGUSTING!!!
>and will probably not think our arrangement too strange.
SERVO: We often have a third person during...
MIKE: ENOUGH...
>He's extremely open-minded."
CROW: Kinky.
MIKE: Oh God.
>Once we arrived at my banker's office, he quickly sat up from his slumped
>position on the desk, and managed a bleary-eyed smile.
SERVO: Woah, Jim, you look like you had a wild night...
MIKE: Now that just really wasn’t necessary, Tom...
>"Good evening, sir. I take it this is the friend you mentioned on the
>telephone?" he inquired politely.
CROW: Ahh, he wants him already.
MIKE: How far can you guys take this joke?
CROW: Let's find out!
>"Yes, this is Mr. James. Eight days from now he'll be withdrawing three
>million dollars from the Paris account," I replied casually.
SERVO: If the author uses the word “casual” ONE MORE FREAKIN’ TIME...
>"In eight days, you say, sir?"
MIKE: Even MORE exciting dialogue!
>"Yes, that's right. In eight days.
CROW: Thrill as they CLARIFY PREVIOUS SENTENCES!!!
>And if per chance it's not withdrawn by then, you are to move it back into
>the account.
SERVO: And do it casually.
>In order that it will be accessible only on that single day.
MIKE: That’s not a sentence.
>All right?" I said.
CROW: He did the “all right” thing again!
MIKE: Probably a British thing.
>"Fine, sir. The instructions will be filed at the beginning of the next
business
>day.
SERVO: Casually, as always.
>Will that be all?"
MIKE: Feel your heart race as the banker asks IF THAT WILL BE ALL!!!
>"Yes, I'm sorry to keep you so late.
CROW: Yeah, like that’s anything new...
>Thank you for your time, my friend.
SERVO: Oh, he’s more than just a friend, though, now isn’t he...
MIKE: Come on, guys, let’s move on...
>You may go home to your wife and children.
CROW: Yeah, THAT’S funny.
>And here, take this as a small token of my gratitude."
MIKE: Now he JUMPS ON HIM AND BITES HIS NECK!
>I withdrew from my pocket a diamond necklace, the many faceted gems
>sparkling in the soft glow of his office lamps.
SERVO: Where’d he get that?
>I handed it to him.
CROW: He reached his hand out. He grabbed the necklace. He pulled his arm back
toward his body. In his hands was the necklace.
>"Give this to your wife.
SERVO: Yeah right, he’s winking as he says that, see.
MIKE: I get it.
SERVO: Because it’s not really for the alleged “wife”.
MIKE: I get it, Tom.
SERVO: Because he always buys gifts for him.
MIKE: TOM...
>And, as I have no gifts for the children, Tommy and Alex, aren't those their
>names?
MIKE: Well, no, actually...
>Here, take this money and buy them something they like.
SERVO: Well, Tommy does like his heroin, and it is mighty hard to find these
days, heh heh...
>You know their tastes far better than I."
CROW: Quoth the mighty vampire.
>I took $500 from my billfold and pressed it into his hand.
MIKE: Billfold...I gotta use that word more often...
>His jaw was slack, for my presents grew more expensive with each time I
>met him.
SERVO: He was beginning to sense just how serious our relationship was
getting...
>With that I turned to go, and bade James follow.
CROW: And he did so quite casually.
>Having tried to protest on several previous occasions, and failed, my banker
>simply nodded his head and showed us out.
MIKE: As we had forgotten the location of the door.
>James and I then proceeded back to my apartment in order to discuss how
>we would handle the switch.
SERVO: James wanted out after seeing what the banker was really like.
>When we arrived, I gave him a cup of coffee, and we sat down in opposite
>easy chairs.
CROW: Yep, relaxation time for the vampire and the soul-shadowing mortal...
> "Now, remember," I said, "you must be very careful with my body.
MIKE: I have sort of grown attached to it.
>You should be in the coffin at least twenty minutes before sunrise.
SERVO: Aw, mom, do you have to go through all the rules EVERY time I want to
take the vampire body out for a while?
>You are not to use the body's full strength or speed.
CROW: And do everything casually!
>I can punch through three inch solid steel, and even bumping into someone
>will doubtless send them sprawling.
MIKE: Sure, just go ahead and BRAG about it.
>You are not to feed off of anyone.
SERVO: How can he take good care of the body if he’s starving it?
>Is that understood?"
CROW: Yes, Dad.
>"Perfectly. We shall make the switch in one week at five a.m.?"
MIKE: One week?? We have to sit through another week’s worth of this guy’s
ramblings??
>"Yes. I'll see you then. Goodbye," I dismissed him.
SERVO: Yeah, thus the “goodbye”.
>"Cheerio, old chap," he remarked, and left.
CROW: So this really is definitely supposed to be British now...but...in New
York...
>The rest of the week passed in a blur.
MIKE: Woo-HOO! When I feel heavy metal!
>I only remember gorging myself constantly so that James would not have
>even the slightest urge to feed.
SERVO: What about Mafioso, though? Did you get him?
>I did not want a warrant for my arrest, which he would probably earn my
>body if he tried to feed.
CROW: Oh, sure, only YOU can feed without getting caught, Mister Professional
Vampire.
>At last, the night had arrived.
MIKE: At long last, after three sentences, the night had arrived.
>I awoke five minutes after sunset, and went out, heading in the general
>direction of the apartment where we were to make the switch.
SERVO: And...it didn’t work and you both died. The end! Okay, let’s go...
>I was not even remotely hungry, but I took six victims on the way, making
>sure that any bloodlust would be sated for a week.
CROW: Six?? Jeez....
>I arrived hours early, and stepped into the shower, cleansing myself, and
>then cutting my nails, which are considerably longer than normal human nails.
SERVO: A well-manicured vampire!
>In short, I did as much as I could to make my body as inconspicuous as a
six->foot, pure white (and I mean white, like paint) being could become.
CROW: Wait, he’s pure WHITE? And NO ONE still suspects anything weird about
him?
>When James arrived, I was ready and willing to make the crossover from
>vampire to human.
MIKE: But remained casual in my eagerness.
>He ordered me to sit on one of the opposing twin beds, and he sat on the
>other.
SERVO: Why would he have opposing twin beds?
>He closed his eyes and folded his feet beneath himself, like in one of those
>third-rate martial arts movies.
CROW: Then I remembered this was a third-rate horror story and relaxed a
little.
>Then he began to chant.
MIKE: Oh, the excitement!
>Softly at first, in a low, guttural language, and his voice suddenly
>crescendoed into a dull shout.
SERVO: Heh, THAT’D be pretty funny to see...
>And suddenly I felt an invisible cord I had not known was being tugged on
>snap, and then I was up, floating, and I looked down and saw my body lying
>on its back on the bed!
CROW: Our sentences are 100% pure crap, guaranteed or your money back!
>I thought of a command I had not known I knew, and suddenly I was looking
>at my body through human eyes!
MIKE: Oh boy!
>And then my body sat up and James's oddly British lilt rang back at me
>from my body!
SERVO: Ah, at last we are assured he IS British!
>It was the largest shock of my five lifetimes!
CROW: What a shock! Exactly what I had been expecting!
>To hear, "Hello, old boy," in a completely different voice from my own
>emanate from my lips!
MIKE: Horrifying.
>And then he said, "Well, I'll see you tomorrow!" And with that, he was gone.
SERVO: He was gone? He just disappeared, or what?
>Well, I thought. No sense in wondering where he's off to.
CROW: Well, that’s probably the most exciting scene in the story...
>Probably some remote habitat where he'll hide out until nightfall.
MIKE: Yeah, plenty of those in New York...
>I think I'll open the drapes, and watch the sun rise.
SERVO: Sounds like fun to me!
>Now, that's a sight for sore eyes,
CROW: ...TAP-DANCING ELBOWS!
>something you haven't seen in over four hundred years!
MIKE: And it’s still just as dull as the last time I saw it!
>And it was the most beautiful sight I had seen in all of my lives.
SERVO: How sad...
>I sat watching the sun until my eyes hurt.
CROW: I spent the rest of the day waiting for my sight to return.
>After I ceased to look, I began to realize that I was hungry.
MIKE: So I instinctively ran outside and bit some guy on the neck, then quickly
realized my mistake...
>I went to the pantry to look for food, but, this being a vampire's home,
>there was nothing but several kinds of coffee and hot chocolate.
SERVO: A hot chocolate-loving vampire?
>I then walked down to the corner grocery store, and bought enough food to
>supply a human family of four for a week!
CROW: Woah! He went grocery shopping for a STANDARD AMOUNT OF FOOD!! The
tension is killing me!
>I fixed myself a sandwich that I thought I remembered liking in my childhood
>in Spain.
MIKE: I didn’t know he was Spanish...
>Of course, I had not eaten food in four centuries, so I nearly choked!
SERVO: I died, and James wasn’t too happy about it!
>The meat was so strong, and the vegetables so sour, I thought I had taken a
>bite of pure poison!
CROW: It took me a while to figure out I actually did...
>I threw the rest of it away and went for a walk in Prospect Park, near the
>duck pond, which is next to the bicycle path.
MIKE: ...which is left of the large tree, which can be found next to the
library, which is near the K-Mart...
>When I arrived, I came upon a group of young boys having a snowball fight.
SERVO: I jumped on them and began biting their necks, but stopped myself before
causing any real damage...
>At first I ignored them, but after I was struck repeatedly enough for me to
>realize that it was no accident, I quickly jumped into the fray.
CROW: Woah, a child-beating ex-vampire...
>I beat the boys, of course, with my superior speed and strength as an adult,
>not as a vampire.
MIKE: Yeah right, the kids probably kicked this guy’s ass...
>I knew then that I did not want to become the monster I had been again.
SERVO: I wanted to remain a human child-beater...
>By the time we were finished, it was dark out, and my fingers and toes were
>cold.
CROW: How long were you beating these kids?
>I went home to warm up, and found James waiting for me at my door.
MIKE: I began beating him up, too...
>He asked to come in to discuss something with me, and of course I said yes.
SERVO: Of course I said yes! What’s wrong with you people?
>I spoke first: "I have no desire to become a vampire again."
CROW: Remaining casual, of course.
>He seemed relieved, and the reason was obvious from his words.
MIKE: ...which I don’t feel you readers need to know. Moving on...
>"I do not wish to become human again either.
SERVO: Um, maybe you misheard me, I said I didn’t want to be a VAMPIRE again...
>I was hoping that I would not have to ask you to give up your body.
CROW: Um, you don't.
>However, and I regret this course of action, I cannot take the chance that
>you might later want to be a vampire again."
MIKE: Even if he did, what could he do about it?
>He looked despondent.
SERVO: And eerily non-casual.
>"So let me offer my sincere apologies, and say that were it not necessary, I
>would not do this."
CROW: And with that, he exited the apartment and killed my banker.
>And with that, he swung his fist--my fist--up, and struck me in the temple
>above my right ear.
MIKE: You deserve it, you idiot...
>I reeled backwards, laughing inwardly at the irony of being destroyed by my
>own body.
SERVO: It’s funny getting killed...
MIKE: There goes ANOTHER body. We just keep telling you to be more careful, but
NO...
> And then I was falling, plunging into the white light at the end of the
tunnel,
>just like all those people who claim to have had near death experiences.
CROW: Oh, okay, so you’re dead.
SERVO: Mike, where was the delusion mentioned in the title?
MIKE: Beats the hell outta me...
>And then the angels in white lab coats surrounded me, and claimed they had
>heard my screams.
CROW: Angels wear lab coats?
>I believed them, and they helped me into my wings, which resembled a shirt
>with extra long sleeves, and buckles that helped pinion my arms to my body.
MIKE: Here’s your delusion Servo, and I have to admit it’s a bit of a
disappointment...
>And then they put me into a wagon that strongly resembled an ambulance,
>and they carried me off to the rubber-walled rooms of Heaven.
SERVO: Hmm, figuring anything out, smart guy?
MIKE: I think this is supposed to be ironic...but I'm not quite getting
it...think it's too vague?
>The only times I ever removed my wings was during the time it took me to
>chronicle the events which I have described here, which led to my passage
>here into Heaven.
CROW: Right, Heaven...you moron...
>I am content in my rubber-walled quarters, and I have no desire to leave.
MIKE: Well, we’re happy for you, too.
>Patient Summary, Bellevue Mental Hospital
SERVO: Huh? What’s this now?
>Name: Moriarty, James
CROW: Oh, THAT’S his name.
>Physical Characteristics: Six feet, zero inches. Black hair, green eyes
MIKE: Looks British, has Spanish accent.
>The patient was discovered muttering incoherently on his apartment floor
>after the neighbors reported hearing a scream coming from his apartment,
>and called the police.
SERVO: Hey, it wasn’t even James’ apartment! It was the vampire body’s
apartment!
>He had struck the area of his right temple on the corner of his desk.
CROW: Right, no one else could have done it even though he was in the apartment
of a tall, fanged man with pale white skin and no food in his house...
>He is suffering from strong delusions, believing that the hospital is Heaven
>with rubber-walled rooms,
MIKE: Hey, we already know this...
>he is dead, and an angel.
SERVO: Oh, he is?
>He also believes he is a vampire who traded bodies with a human by the
>name of "James".
CROW: In quotation marks, even though it really is his name.
>He claims that this "James" also took his life, and as stated before, believes
>that the hospital is Heaven.
MIKE: As stated before maybe TWELVE TIMES!!
>He substantiates his story with his uncontrollable urge to consume blood in
>large quantities.
SERVO: Note: Spanish sandwiches make him choke, and he finds the phrase "I
protect you from me for a fee" to be extremely humorous.
>He has not responded to drugs, therapy of any type, or any other known
>methods used to calm patients.
CROW: Okay, we get it, ironic, creative ending, right, woah, unexpected, just
END, DAMN YOU!!!
>He refers to his restraining device as wings, which we permitted him to
>remove, under close supervision, in order to write the fantastic tale which
>preceded this summary.
MIKE: We found the Mafioso part particularly entertaining.
>It is the recommendation of the Board of Review, New York Section,
>Bellevue Chapter, that this patient be kept in solitary confinement
>until determined sane, pending further reviews.
SERVO: Until then, we’ll just sit here and think our story is really great and
creative and be really proud of it even though it SUCKS like HELL!!!
CROW: Calm down, Servo, it’s over.
MIKE: Yes, thank God, it’s over...
SERVO: I’ll never think of vampires the same way again...
CROW: Ugh...Mike, I need to hear something funny, to get me out of the state of
depression that story has caused me...
MIKE: Uh..."I protect you from me for a fee."
CROW: Heh heh, that IS pretty funny!
SERVO: Yeah, the more you hear that phrase, the more you realize just how
clever it really is!
MIKE: Yeah, I’ll be usin’ that one at parties...
CROW: Mike, you never get invited to any parties...
MIKE: Hey, shut up.
(exit theater)
MIKE: Well, that was an informative story on vampires, I have to say.
CROW: Yeah. I mean, who would have guessed vampires only drink coffee and hot
chocolate?
SERVO: Yeah, or disguise themselves as New Yorkers without actually DISGUISING
themselves at all!
MIKE: And I never knew just how casual vampires are...
CROW: Yeah, you can really carry a good discussion with one!
SERVO: Debate politics, perhaps talk about the weather...
MIKE: And vampires sure have a ton of money!
CROW: Oh yeah! They're all very well off.
SERVO: Yep.
MIKE: yep.
(pause)
CROW: It's a good life, being a vampire.
MIKE: Oh yeah, yeah.
(pause)
SERVO: Too bad about Mafioso though, huh?
(pause)
MIKE: Oh my God, that was horrible.
CROW (bursts into tears): I can't take it, Mike! Why didn't you just kill me? I
hate you, Nelson!
SERVO: I don't know guys, I thought that story wasn't all that bad...
MIKE: Servo, go play with your shampoo or something...we need time to
recuperate...
SERVO (leaving): Well, FINE...I don't know what you guys have against turning
dandruff into sugar, anyway...
MIKE (holding sobbing CROW): There there, Crow. We won't let the bad author
hurt you again.
CROW: I'm traumatized...utterly, completely traumatized...
(credits)
MST3K, related characters, and just about everything else, are Copyright Best
Brains.
Best Brains has in no way endorsed this MSTing, but then, they never came up to
me and told me I couldn't do it, either, so where's the harm? It can be freely
distributed, as long as these credits are included.
All MSTing by Richard Bradley (Flami...@aol.com), October-November 1998
Tap-dancing elbows thanks to Nelson Perry
>I went to the pantry to look for food, but, this being a vampire's home,
>there was nothing but several kinds of coffee and hot chocolate.
TCurryFan
>NOTE: This is my first MSTing, so try to bear with me.
<MiSTing snipped>
Hey, everyone! Some yahoo tried to re-write _Tale_of_the_Body_Thief_!
I haven't read the whe whole thing, but... Yep, that's pretty much what it
is...
He even rips off some really speciric things: The Body Theif was Raglan James
(the guy in this story uses the name "James"), and the decription of him is
6"0' (Lestat's height), Black hair and green eye (Louis' hair and eye color).
Oy...
Catherine Johnson. And Anne Rice did it better. d-:
TCur...@aol.com ---------- Sailor Andromeda ---------- MiSTie #75, 125
"Nothin' worse than wakin' up one day cute."
-Merlynn
Pat Flanagan
FlamingHat wrote in message <19981111205611...@ng128.aol.com>...
>NOTE: This is my first MSTing, so try to bear with me.
I just figured I would say, especially since it is your first MSTing, that I
was practically ROTFLMAO during many parts of it. Just like many of the
best episodes of MST3K, the story wasn't HORRIBLE, but wasn't that great
either. Although if Catherine is right about the rip-off, then it makes
sense about why it isn't that bad. Great job for a first MSTing.
Pat "I LIKED IT VERY MUCH!" Flanagan
MSTie #67921
"OK, we all have these terrible stories to get over, and you---"
"It's not true. Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take
place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in
this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times. Noodle
salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're
that pissed that so many others had it good."
- Carol and Melvin, _As Good as It Gets_
Antaeus Feldspar
> "flami...@aol.com (FlamingHat)" said:
>
> >NOTE: This is my first MSTing, so try to bear with me.
>
> <MiSTing snipped>
>
> Hey, everyone! Some yahoo tried to re-write _Tale_of_the_Body_Thief_!
> I haven't read the whe whole thing, but... Yep, that's pretty much what it
> is...
> He even rips off some really speciric things: The Body Theif was Raglan James
> (the guy in this story uses the name "James"), and the decription of him is
> 6"0' (Lestat's height), Black hair and green eye (Louis' hair and eye color).
> Oy...
Ok, this is fair, if harsh criticism...
> Catherine Johnson. And Anne Rice did it better. d-:
Oh now, Cath, *that's* vicious....
-jc ;)
--
* -jc IS *NOW* feld...@cryogen.com
* Home page: http://members.tripod.com/~afeldspar/index.html
* The home of >>Failed Pilots Playhouse<<
* "Better you hold me close than understand..." Thomas Dolby