MiSTing Repost: The Newcomer [ 3 / 4 ]
Joseph Nebus
example of me not following what was going on in the plot because I
failed read the actual story closely enough. It's also got one of my
favorite host sketches, the big Interview, which has the sort of free-
floating random succession of questions I'm sorry I don't get to do
more often. And I love the line about ``Sally and a monotreme'', even
though it just makes no sense. I botched the whole riff there, but at
least it ended on amusing words.
----------------
[ SOL ] Right side of the table. JOEL standing in the foreground.
TOM is behind him.
JOEL: Hi there. You may have wondered just what questions Sally did
ask of Ryan to make him become a freedom fighter. We did, too, and
here's our best guess.
[ JOEL moves off to the side. CROW comes up and talks with TOM. ]
CROW: Hey, bud. Sal wants to talk to you.
TOM: Seriously? Wow! I have a chance, don't I?
CROW: Can't say for sure, but hurry up.
[ They walk over to in front of the doors and meet GYPSY. ]
GYPSY: Sit, please.
[ TOM, CROW look at each other, shrug, and stand where they are. ]
GYPSY: I can see a mix of determination and hope in your eyes.
TOM, CROW: Thank you.
GYPSY: No, I mean Ryan.
CROW: Am I Ryan?
GYPSY: Which one of you is Ryan?
TOM: I am.
GYPSY: Ah, good. Now: Are you now, or have you ever been, a Nintendo
owner?
TOM: No.
GYPSY: Do you have any idea what happened to that Bill Murray movie
that was supposed to come out sometime last fall, about him having
to move an elephant across the country in five days?
TOM: No idea.
GYPSY: Have you ever clipped out a "B.C." comic strip and taped it
to the wall of your cubicle at work?
TOM: I don't have a cubicle at work.
GYPSY: Canadian Smarties or U.S. M&Ms?
TOM: Canadian Smarties.
GYPSY: What's the major difference between "The Funky Phantom" and
"The Sunshine Kids with Butch Cassidy"?
TOM: Nobody cares.
GYPSY: Where does the word "dollar" come from?
TOM: It comes from the Dutch name of the coins minted in the 16th
century at the Joachimsthal area mine; they were called Joachimsthalers,
shortened to thalers and then dalers, which was a convenient and
familiar name when the U.S. got to establishing its currency.
GYPSY: Have you ever had an impure thought about cartoon characters?
TOM: Yes.
GYPSY: Which ones?
TOM: Velma, from Scooby Doo; Wonder Woman, in the episode where
Myxtlplk turned her into a lion-woman; and the Warner Brothers
cartoons' Witch Hazel.
CROW: Witch Hazel? Really?
TOM: Yeah. She's got *style*.
GYPSY: Weird. Okay, a one thousand dollar loan is taken out for two
years at seven percent interest, compounded monthly. How much interest
will accrue over the life of the loan?
TOM: One hundred and forty-nine dollars and eighty-one cents,
approximately.
GYPSY: Well, Ryan, that was the last question. I just want you to
promise me two things.
TOM: What's that, Sally?
GYPSY: Don't be disappointed... [ TOM looks down ] And, Ryan?
TOM: Yes?
GYPSY: Don't tell anyone these questions...I don't want you giving
hints on how to become a Freedom Fighter.
TOM: [ Jumping up as best TOM can ] ALL RIGHT! I made it!
[ Movie sign starts flashing. ]
CROW, TOM: YEAAAAAAH! Movie sign! AAAA!
[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]
>Part 7
> The next morning, Ryan came awake early,
CROW: In the morning.
> very excited. Geared up,
JOEL: Maybe he has been roboticized.
>he stretched, and thought about Earth. He hadn't for a few days, and
>memories flooded back. "No!"
TOM: I'll never see my wide field again!
> he thought harshly.
JOEL: He needs to switch to thoughts with fewer abrasives.
> "This is my life now.
>I was brought here, and there's no changing that...
CROW: Not that I've tried in the slightest bit.
> besides, I like it
>here!"
JOEL: I haven't needed to pee in a week!
> The memories
TOM: What memories?
> retreated to the back of Ryan's mind...for now. He
>looked around, half expecting a familiar dark shape to be standing in
>the shadows, and, to his surprise, found he was disappointed when there
>wasn't.
CROW: Hold up! Dependent clause police here. Show your license.
> Eric was up
CROW: Kitty!
> a little after Ryan, and was a little excited, and a
>little scared.
JOEL: A little.
> Every time he went to Robotropolis, there was a chance
>of meeting up with
TOM: The city librarians. His books were over two years overdue.
> Robotnik. After the "cut a deal" incident,
JOEL: That we can't even begin to summarize for those who missed it.
>he couldn't help but feel the fear.
TOM: It was large and bumpy, with a soft peach fuzz, and he
called it "Foo-Foo."
> It was held back, but still there.
> The feline stretched, stood, and felt refreshed and ready for the
>mission.
CROW: Well, sounds like they've done an incredible amount of
training and preparation for this mission.
> The two friends met near the center of the tiny village,
CROW: Which was strangely indistinguishable from the edge of the tiny
village.
> and,
>after a brief conversation with Sally involving the location of the
>dropoff,
TOM: "Down."
> they set out. Ryan's mind wandered back to the conversation,
JOEL: Oh, wait...I'm supposed to do something, right? I knew it.
>reliving snatches of it.
> "-and the location is by building 019, in sector CC. You should-"
TOM: Probably remember that, or something.
> "-that, too...but Sal, isn't a more direct approach better than-"
> "-not a good idea, the weaving keeps your destination more
>secretive.
JOEL: Even though they go to the same guy every time.
> Don't forget to-"
CROW: Drink your Ovaltine!
> Ryan shook his head to clear it, and looked ahead to Robotropolis.
>The city was only a dot, albeit a large one,
TOM: Almost a spot.
> but there was still some
>major distance to cover.
JOEL: At least a bit. Maybe even a good while.
> He looked over at Eric, who seemed to be
>thinking back also.
TOM: Are you thinking at me? Are you thinking at me?
> Eric noticed Ryan's gaze.
CROW: It's my two noses, isn't it?
> "Anything you need to talk about?"
> "Hmm...not really. I just need a way to pass the time
TOM: Know any hiking songs?
> besides
>staring at that big metal strip of horizon."
JOEL: [ As Kain ] "I thought it was more of a dot, myself."
> Eric thought for a second.
TOM: It was fun. He'd have to try that again someday.
> "Well, since Dulcy, unfortunately, is
CROW: Not in this fanfic.
>sick, she couldn't take us to Robotropolis via flying..."
JOEL: So we'll have to take a bus out of Toronto instead.
> Eric grinned.
CROW: Let me guess--Ryan's going to smile.
>"Blame it on her."
> Ryan smiled
JOEL: Well called.
TOM: Oh, like that was so hard.
> and kept up the pace.
CROW: Fortunately, the pace had those little luggage wheels on it.
> "Yeah, right. Me tell a dragon
TOM: Oooh...
JOEL: Yes, we have narrative technique.
CROW: Good to hear.
>it's her fault I had to walk...
TOM: Even though it was.
> I'd be needing asbestos pants for a
>month!"
CROW: Huh?
> "How true. Seriously, though...
JOEL: Oh, that was lighthearted, for those reading along at home.
> she's a good person, and would
>never do anything like that."
TOM: She'd instead have pizzas sent to your house at random
intervals all night long.
> "I believe you," Ryan said.
> The silence continued
CROW: Started, actually.
> for a good while longer, and the two just
>took comfort in each other's presence.
CROW: [ Leaning against JOEL ] You're so comforting.
JOEL: [ Patting CROW ] Want to mutually respect?
CROW: What kind of human do you think I am?
> A few miles from Robotropolis,
>Eric spoke again.
JOEL: If you didn't know, I'm not speaking to you.
> "From now on, almost no talking,
TOM: Oh, sure, do what I say, not what I do...
> and listen carefully.
CROW: To me not talking.
> SWATbots
>and Hover Units
JOEL: Might vacuum us.
> could be anywhere."
> Ryan nodded,
CROW: No doubt smiling as he did.
> that was all that was needed.
TOM: Well, except for training.
CROW: And weapons.
JOEL: And a plan.
>Part 8
> Packbell was reading maintenance reports. Clean this...report to
>sector such and such.
CROW: Yup, that's maintenance for you.
> Boring, even to an artificial life form.
CROW: Hey!
TOM: What do you mean, 'even'?
> He was
>still angry with the teleporter results,
JOEL: Stupid results...if I'd just studied a little longer...maybe I
can get an extension on the class project...
> and the elusive life form that
TOM: Would be too much trouble to even think about looking for.
>was transported by mistake. What was it?
> Suddenly, a new report flashed across the screen.
JOEL: Extraterrestrials have landed in Grovers Mills, New Jersey!
> Two non-robotic
>life forms detected in sector CC!
TOM: Way to weave, guys.
> Packbell sprung up, and
CROW: Hit his head on the ceiling. Ow!
> entered
>commands for SWATbots to leave the area.
TOM: What, he's going to wait for them to get into prison cells
all by themselves?
> He wanted to do this by
>himself.
>
> Eric glanced around Robotropolis nervously.
JOEL: I can never figure out these subway maps...go ask somebody
which way Rockefeller Center is.
> He saw that it was
>too quiet.
CROW: Yup, this quiet's so thick you can hardly see through it.
> No SWATbots, Hover Units...nothing! Ryan was oblivious...
JOEL: Tourist.
> he
>had never been here before.
> The feline tapped Ryan on the shoulder.
TOM: If you see some kitty litter, please say something.
> "It's too quiet...I think
>something's up."
CROW: Ryan looked up and got a sprinkling of quiet in his eyes.
> A voice came from behind. "You're right you know..."
JOEL: [ As Kain ] "I am? Oh, boy...do I win something?"
> Ryan and Eric spun around,
TOM: Got dizzy and fell down.
> and came face-to-face with Cmdr.
>Packbell. Ryan glared at him
JOEL: That's showing him, Ryan! He won't mess with you anymore.
> and said, "Who are you?"
TOM: Not that you have the slightest reason to answer me.
> "I'm Commander Packbell, worm...and you're in trouble."
CROW: I didn't ask who we were, you big silly.
> Ryan raised an eyebrow. "So...you're the Packbell Sandra spoke
>of."
TOM: No, that's my dad...we're always getting each other's phone
messages, too.
> Packbell blinked. "Hah! That two-bit spy
CROW: [ Nerdly voice ] Uh, she's more of a nickel and dime spy, sir.
> will get it one day.
>By me! She refused to tell me of Knothole, so she's a traitor as well."
JOEL: But, darned it, she's got tenure so we can't do anything about her.
> Ryan crossed his arms. "How do you know
TOM: That pi is actually a transcendental number?
> you aren't the traitor?"
> Faster than Ryan could react...blink, for that matter, Packbell's
>arm shot out and clamped his throat.
CROW: Dag-rab it! That always works for Captain Kirk.
> "Hmm..." he said, studying Ryan
>more closely. Suddenly, his eyes got wide.
CROW: You have two noses!
TOM: Joel, make him stop.
> "Aha! You must be the
>transported life form! I certainly don't remember missing any
>humans...
TOM: Now, how could he remember that?
> the few of them that there were...at the coup."
JOEL: [ As Ryan ] "I couldn't get a date."
> Eric had just stood there,
CROW: Way to be a hero, Eric!
> petrified that they had been found so
>fast,
JOEL: Maybe they shouldn't have called ahead.
> but his voice quickly came back.
TOM: [ Whistles ] Here, voice. Here, voice voice voice.
> "What does Ryan have to do with
>you?"
> Packbell glanced at the feline.
CROW: "Oh, oh, I'm allergic, stop being feline."
> Accessing his memory files, he
>matched up Eric.
TOM: With an enchanting Manx he knew from his old apartment building.
> "Ah, yes...you...the one Robotnik did
ALL: Yick!
> a bit of
>bartering with.
ALL: Whew.
> Anyway, it was nice the last time,
ALL: Ick!
> you
>know...when you almost betrayed
JOEL: Obi-Wan.
> the Freedom Fighters...it was rather
>fun."
> Eric wasn't frightened
TOM: By peaches.
> any longer. He snarled. "You...you..."
CROW: "Oh yeah? Well you're a me-me!"
>He advanced on Packbell.
JOEL: You conquer here often?
> Packbell smirked and held up Ryan
TOM: By the smile.
> like a rag doll. "Let me point
>this out to you. You can't hurt me,
CROW: Sticks and stones...
> and I can kill your friend here
>easily."
JOEL: Nyah-nyah!
TOM: You big boogerhead!
> Eric backed down, keeping his rage in check.
JOEL: I'll just sit on his face while he sleeps.
> Packbell then said,
CROW: After that.
> "Well, might as well go roboticize you both
>now...
TOM, CROW: Yay!
> By the way, kitty...don't try to escape.
JOEL: We're still trying to get a plot here.
> If you do, your friend
>here dies instantly."
> Eric followed...what choice did he have?
TOM: Well...
JOEL: Don't be mean.
>Part 9
CROW: At least we're making good time.
> As Eric and Ryan sat in the holding cell,
TOM: Smiling.
> neither blamed the
>other, but themselves.
JOEL: I love what you've done with your sentence structure.
> Eric looked up, and looked down again. Ryan
>noticed.
TOM: "Hey, they left the door open."
> "What's on your mind, Eric?"
JOEL: I really like walnuts, you know?
> "It was my fault we got caught..."
> "No way!
TOM: We're blaming ourselves, not each other.
CROW: Didn't you read the first paragraph?
> It was mine...I shouldn't have ticked off Mr.
>Congeniality over there," he said, pointing at Packbell.
JOEL: Good thing he explained Mister Congeniality was Packbell and
not one of the many other characters from Robotropolis we've met.
> "I noticed it was too quiet. I should have said something.
CROW: Well, you did, actually.
>Anyway, even if he hadn't gotten a bit angry...
TOM: He's still up after his bedtime and awfully snappy.
> do you think he'd just
>let us go?"
> "I...don't know.
JOEL: Don't most bad guys just let the good guys go, anyway?
CROW: I sense traces of incoming irony...
> All I do know is that we're in it deep..."
>
> Packbell looked over at his two prisoners.
TOM: [ As Packbell ] "I so want to slap them."
> He was rather happy
>with the catch, and smiled
JOEL: Come to wonderful Smile Planet.
> smugly to show it. Then one of the most
>evil, hideous, and wretched plans ever hatched inside his mind...
CROW: If I steal all their Christmas things, maybe Christmas won't
come at all!
> He
>would let Ryan go!
ALL: Huh?
> It was so simple.
TOM: Yet profound in its stupidity.
> No one ever really got out
>without help, and a rookie Freedom Fighter at that!
CROW: Incomplete thought theater.
> Who would believe
>he wasn't some kind of spy?
JOEL: Ryan or Packbell?
> It was too perfect,
CROW: No it wasn't.
> and torturous. No
>friends for the human,
TOM: Except for the main characters, who never fall for stunts
like this.
> and the Freedom Fighters off guard from the loss
>of the feline.
JOEL: Wouldn't that make them more wary, actually?
> Easy enough.
>
> A few minutes later, after Ryan had been "set free",
TOM: [ As Packbell ] Okay, I'm going to leave the door open here
and turn around...now I don't want the human running out and going
through the door marked "Emergency Exit," okay? Understand that?
Just the human.
> Eric finally
>figured out what was up.
CROW: An angle can be trisected with straightedge and compass if one is
allowed to make marks on the straightedge's surface!
> Any doubts of Ryan
JOEL: I doubt Ryan.
> faded from his mind as he
>saw the android's plan
CROW: Wow, four "D" cells.
> unfold in his mind. He was sickened.
>
> Ryan ran blindly towards Knothole,
TOM: Good thing he knows he doesn't have any tracking devices on him.
> tearing across the plains.
CROW: [ Singing quickly ] The hills are alive...
> He
>may have killed himself from over exhaustion if he hadn't tripped.
TOM: So he's dead?
JOEL: Not this far from the climax of the story.
> The
>fall let him regain his senses, and he ran more sanely.
CROW: No more of this wearing his sneakers on his hands for him!
> After what
>seemed like forever,
TOM: But was really just a long while.
> he made it to the Great Forest...
JOEL: Six Flags over Great Forest--for all your fun wilderness
activities!
> Another eternity
>later,
CROW: He got through the parking lot.
> he was at Knothole, torn up
TOM: By what?
> and dirty.
JOEL: You should have thought of that before you left, mister.
> Sonic, Sally, and Bookshire were the first
CROW: All three of them?
> to see him stagger
>around,
TOM: No, we're this way!
JOEL: Hey!
CROW: Over here!
JOEL: Here! Right here, come on.
> then fall into a dead faint.
CROW: Down.
TOM: Unconscious.
> When Ryan came to
TOM: Loudonville, New York.
> , Sonic and Sally were looking down at him,
>looking concerned,
CROW: Looking lookfully at the lookables.
> and Bookshire had obviously gone off to get help.
TOM: Or maybe to get a snack.
>Then Ryan noticed another face.
CROW: Ed Koch!
> One of the Freedoms Fighters, an
>opossum,
CROW: I was right.
> who seemed to have started the rumors
TOM: And was here to provide us with the moral of our story.
> looked down at him
>coldly,
JOEL: Hey, you want to turn up the thermostat on your look?
> and spoke bluntly. "Where's Sir Kain...
JOEL: Robot--
> HUH?!
JOEL: He's in--
> Where is he?!
JOEL: He's--
>You turned him in,
JOEL: Yeah, but--
> got sent back,
JOEL: Packb--
> and dirtied yourself up
JOEL: Listen--
> just to make
JOEL: No, he's--
>it look legit!"
TOM: Relax, I just left him behind to be executed is all. Oh, wait,
wrong thing to say...
> Sally looked up, appalled.
CROW: Mauve pants with a yellow shirt? What were you thinking?
> "How can you just say that?!
TOM: [ As Ryan ] "Well, I was up rehearsing my lines all night."
> You have
>no proof!"
> "No disrespect, Princess..."
CROW: Actually, I do want to disrespect.
> the opossum said, "but he's a
>human...
JOEL: And he's clever, and quick!
> and who knows where he really came from?"
TOM: Maybe even from Winnipeg.
> "What basis does that hold?
CROW: It's an orthonormal vector space, ma'am.
> You're taking a stab in the dark,
JOEL: Is it night already?
> and
>you are way off."
> "How do you know?"
TOM: Who? Oh, me. Sorry.
> Ryan sat up. "He's right...
JOEL: You are a traitor?
> how do you know?"
> Sally looked at Ryan, shocked.
TOM: You dropped your smile!
> Ryan continued.
CROW: In continuation.
> "After all...I'm human, and you don't know where
>I really came from...
TOM: Appleton, Wisconsin. There, see, we do know.
> but...mostly...it's because I'm human, isn't it?"
CROW: Actually, it's just your personality.
> Ryan stood, and moved towards the source of his persecution.
JOEL: "We shall sail to the New World...We will call our ship the
Mayflower."
>"Human, to you...means Robotnik, doesn't it?! Well let me tell
>you...maybe...just maybe...
TOM: You can get a great tasting, less filling beer!
> we aren't all evil!"
JOEL: How Lockean.
TOM: Probably.
> Ryan spun around, and stalked off towards Robotropolis.
CROW: Wait! Hold up!
TOM: You're going the--No, turn--
JOEL: It's the other way--
CROW: Turn--Other way!
JOEL: Wrong way!
TOM: Oh well.
> Sally
>glared at the opossum who had started this,
JOEL: He touched me first!
> then to Ryan. "Where are
>you going?"
> Ryan turned back
CROW: To the back.
> just long enough to say, "I'm going back for
TOM: Fudge.
>Eric," before he resumed his pace.
CROW: In continuation.
> The opossum snorted.
TOM: Ew...Opossum boogers.
> "Humans...too stupid to give up."
JOEL: I kind of resent that.
> Sally stepped over to the Freedom Fighter.
TOM: Who we foolishly thought was standing next to her.
> All she said was,
>"Jerk," right before she slapped him.
CROW: Hepburn and Tracey...Sally and a monotreme.
> Sally left the opossum to wallow in his embarrassment,
TOM: What embarrassment?
> and went
>over to Sonic. "Shadow Ryan.
JOEL: He's the only one who knows the secret of Red October.
> He may need your help later...
TOM: [ Starts getting up. JOEL helps him ]
CROW: Or not.
> If he
>accepts it or not."
[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]
[ SOL ] JOEL is talking with TOM and CROW and casually folding
a paper airplane.
JOEL: So, uh, guys...do you find anything about this fanfic eerily
familiar?
CROW: Nope.
TOM: Not a bit.
JOEL: Nothing at all in the setup or anything?
CROW: Just your usual "I get to be on my favorite show" fanfic.
TOM: Yeah. This is the standard plotline for a person utilizing
the manipulation of fictional worlds as a mechanism for compensating
for feelings of alienation and mild dissociative personality disorders
in a relatively harmless and technically creative outlet.
JOEL: Okay, but...I mean, the premise...here's a poor guy who's just
going about his life when all of a sudden he's cast off into an
unfamiliar, alien world surrounded by nonhuman lifeforms...the only
other members of his species are some far-off, profoundly evil mad
doctor and his craven, inept assistant...
[ CROW, TOM consider ]
CROW: Nope.
TOM: Doesn't ring a bell, Joel.
[ Communication sign flashes ]
JOEL: Oh, we're getting a communication--Cambot, put it up on the hex
field view screen!
[ Hex field view screen opens. PACKBELL is inside. ]
PACKBELL: Doctor Robotnik: I regret to report--
JOEL: Uh, pardon me, pardon me...sir, you have the wrong number.
PACKBELL: Oh, do I? My apologies.
CROW: Hey, you're Packbell, a forget... to read chapter 10, sections 3 and 4
and do problems...
[ Closes up in the hex field view screen ]
CROW: That was strange.
JOEL: Yet...eerily familiar.
[ Commercial sign starts flashing ]
TOM: Hey, Gypsy, the gum?
GYPSY: Oh yeah, here. [ Opens her mouth wide. ] Take some!
JOEL: We'll be right back.
[ JOEL taps commercial sign. ]
[ BREAK ]