[MiSTing] New Year MiSTing (1st of two) - "Dizzy Over Dippy!"
Tirran
but I've not had Usenet access from this account for a long time, and
I just flat don't remember. The date's old, but that doesn't mean
much.
So here it is (again, probably.)
Tir'
[begins]
Yes, it's another MiSTing set in the world of "Animaniacs"... bit
wordier than "INTER-NUTS," bit less action this time. It also contains
one WB cameo per requirements, and two self-referential MST3K gags.
Enjoy!
"DIZZY OVER DIPPY!"
MiSTing by: Ron "Tirran" Orr [griz...@vianet.on.ca]
April 10, 2000
Disclaimers:
"Animaniacs," its related characters and situations are (c)
copyright 1993 - 1999 Warner Brothers Animation Inc., a
Time-Warner company, and Amblin Entertainment. All rights
reserved. All lefts, too. And those weird intersections in New
Jersey.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for
entertainment/parodic purposes only; no infringement on the
original copyrights or trademarks held by Warner Brothers
Animation or by the creator of the material MiSTed is intended
or should be inferred. Really, guys; I'm just borrowing 'em,
and I'll put 'em back as soon as I'm done.
This MiSTing is intended as humorous commentary, and not a
direct attack on Growth-Stock 2000, Dippy Foods, Inc., or
those who actually bought any of the stock.
Be nice when you read this. You never know; that could be _me_
behind you, driving that semi.
************************************************************************
[SCENE: Dr. Otto von Scratchansniff's office, day. YAKKO,
WAKKO and DOT are sitting at the same desks they had in
"INTER-NUTS," and are facing the same computer display. None
of them look enthused at all.]
DR: Goot morning, children. Today we continue mitt der study off
der Internet.
WARNERS: [flatly] Yay.
YAKKO: I thought we did this already, Doc!
DR: Nein. Zat was chust a part of ze Internet, vat ve call
Usenet, remember?
WAKKO: [distraught] You mean there's _more?_
DR: Zertainly. Today ve iss looking at der email.
[DOT's eyes light up]
DOT: What kind of male?
Y & W: Girls...
DR.: No, no, no... mail, like ze postman bringss.
DOT: You mean... KEVIN COSTNER?
[She is suddenly hit from both sides by buckets of water.]
YAKKO: Sorry, sis, but I don't think we wanted to spend the whole
episode on that theme.
ALL: [except Dot] Agreed.
DR.: Now, pleass... [he gestures at some text already on the
display] here iss an example off Unzolicited Commercial
Email.
WAKKO: Unso-what?
DR: Unzolicited Commercial Email.
YAKKO: [with sudden insight] You mean, like spam?
DR.: Vell, not exactly. I suppose it iss similar to spam.
YAKKO: C'mon, Doc, spam by any other name...
[WAKKO belches loudly]
DOT: Is still responsible for disgusting noises.
WAKKO: 'Scuse me...
DR.: Neffer mind zat now. Chust study zis message, OK?
YAKKO: Ask nicely...
DR.: Pretty please? Mit sugar und a cherry on top?
YAKKO: For you, Doc? Anything. Sibs?
[The WARNERS quickly gather around the display, so close that
their noses are squashed against the glass.]
DR.: [sighs] Vell, ziss time at least zey are tryink...
>From: dp...@alltheplanet.com
YAKKO: Well, _they_ sure get around...
>Subject: ADV: Ground Floor Stock Investment Opportunity
>Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2000 16:00:20
DOT: [with some distate] I _have_ had nicer Valentine's Day
presents.
>
>To be removed from our mailing list please visit
>http://212.91.174.30/dppi/remove.html
WAKKO: Should we?
DOT: No... that would be _mean._ And on Valentine's Day, too.
YAKKO: Yeah, what are you thinking?
WAKKO: [abashed] sorry...
>
>Growth-Stock 2000's February Stock Profile.
>
>Dippy Foods, Inc.
WARNERS: Dippy Foods? DIPPY FOODS?!
[WARNERS fall to their knees in thankful prayer - light falls
from heaven - choirs of angels - the whole megilla.]
WARNERS: We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
>OTCBB Trading Symbol: DPPI
>Recent Share Price: $0.68
>Shares Outstanding: 15,000,000
WAKKO: In the parking lot?
YAKKO: Probably waiting for Superbowl tickets.
>Shares in Float: 7,000,000
[WAKKO is sitting at a soda fountain with a root beer float in
front of him. He inverts the glass with a distasteful expression
on his face; share certificates flow out of it...]
>
>**** News Flash 10/13/99 ****
YAKKO: Way to be right on top of things, guys.
>
>Dippy Foods to Supply Nachos for 3COM Park
DOT: [unimpressed] Well, stop the presses.
WAKKO: I wonder how CNN missed that one?
>
>Dippy Foods, Inc. is pleased to announce it has received its first
>order from stadium food supplier, Volume Services America
WAKKO: What?
DOT: Volume Services America!
YAKKO: WHAT?
DOT: [yelling] VOLUME SERVICES AMERICA!
Y & W: _WHAT?_
DOT: [screaming] _VOLUME SERVICES AMERICA!!!_
DR.: Pleass! [to himself] Oh, my achink head...
>
> to provide
>its fresh, pre-packaged
YAKKO: Fresh _and_ pre-packaged? Now that is a neat trick.
DOT: [in dungarees, standing in a field, with a giant processing
plant in the b/g] Fresh from the processin' plant, to the
top shelf in yore cupboard! It's Dippy Foods!
> nacho, cheese and salsa meals called "Dippers"
>to 3COM Park in San Francisco, CA. Dippy Foods will initially supply
>5,000 nacho meals to be sold on beer carts at San Francisco 49ers
>football games. The Company anticipates that they will supply the nacho
>meals at baseball and football games next year.
WAKKO: Based on...?
YAKKO: Wishful thinking, probably.
>
>*****************************
>
[WARNERS are sitting in a football stadium, in the usual 20's
college get-ups - raccoon coats, straw hats, ACME
Looniversity pennants, and so on.]
YAKKO: How'd you get seats right on the fifty-yard line?
DOT: I know people!
>Please visit http://212.91.174.30/dppi for full details.
DOT: Want to bet the site doesn't exist?
Y & K: Nope.
>
>Do you remember when you went to school?
WARNERS: [sitting at their desks] No...
>
> Those were the days. No real
>care in your life except if the cute boy or girl in class liked you.
DOT: Don't be silly. _Everybody_ likes me!
[YAKKO and WAKKO are sitting in their seats, making
exaggerated gagging motions]
DOT: [miffed] At least, everybody who _matters._
>Well actually you did have one care,
YAKKO: Whether or not I was gonna ace the SATs?
> whether Mom was going to let you
>bring a breakfast or lunch to school OR if you were going to have to
>brave the cafeteria.
WARNERS: FOOD FIGHT!
[The DR holds up his hand. The WARNERS freeze in position,
all about to let loose with various messy food items.]
DR.: You make ze mess, you clean it up. Underztand?
[The WARNERS look at each other a moment, then zip back into
their seats, looking innocent, the food mysteriously
vanished...]
> You probably still shudder thinking about that
>food and the people that served it.
[A 30s horror movie, set in a school cafeteria. Line-up of
kids at the counter, with the WARNERS near the head of the
line. Behind the counter are the usual movie monsters, in
food-service uniforms, serving lunch - nasty-looking glop
crawling with bugs, studded with human body parts. Spooky
music, disturbing sound effects and off-stage screaming.]
YAKKO: [casually] So, you got gym next period?
WAKKO: [just as casually] Mmm-hmm...
> Maybe you have nightmares thinking
>you're back in school and that you are forced to eat cafeteria food.
WAKKO: [drooling] Forced?
YAKKO: There's an exception to every rule.
DOT: Yeah, and he lives in the tower with _us._
> It
>is kind of scary. Well now all that will go away with Dippy Foods.
YAKKO: Dippy Foods; curing your irrational food anxieties since
1997!
>
>Dippy Foods, Inc. (OTCBB: DPPI)
YAKKO: Over-The-Counter Babboon Bouncers Don't Proposition Pretty
Interns?
WAKKO: On The Corner, Big Bertha Denounces Past Personal Integrity?
DOT: Oh, Those Clever Baby Boomers, Driving Pink Porsches
Intelligently?
YAKKO: Tom was right, this _is fun!
> creates and distributes fresh,
>nutritious prepackaged lunch products
WAKKO: [sadly] No mystery meat?
> that have been tailored to target
>the US school foodservice market under the National School Breakfast
>and Lunch Program (NSBLP) -- a $16.4 billion market.
YAKKO: Kinda takes the magic out of cooking school, doesn't it?
> The luncheon
>products currently consist of four "Dipper" products. All four luncheon
>products, when combined with a milk serving,
[WAKKO is standing at a cafeteria counter holding a tray.
Behind the counter is a tired-looking cow, chewing its cud,
surrounded by flies. WAKKO looks... displeased.]
> meet the FDA nutritional
>requirements for all four food groups -- bread, protein, dairy and
>fruits and vegetables
DOT: They forgot chocolate, potato chips and cola!
> -- and provide over 50% of the FDA's daily
>nutritional requirements.
YAKKO: But only if you eat the package, too.
[WAKKO produces one of Dippy Foods' packaged meals and pops
the whole thing into his mouth, then belches lightly.]
DOT: Hands up who didn't see _that_ coming?
> Currently, under the USDA School Breakfast
>and Lunch Program, over 94,000 schools provide USDA subsidized or free
>lunch to over 27.5 million children daily. Sixty-nine thousand of these
>schools currently provide USDA subsidized or free breakfast to over 6.5
>million children.
WAKKO: I'm all confused, Yakko...
YAKKO: Simple. It means that somewhere in Iowa there's a school
where only one kid gets a free lunch.
DOT: So there _are_ free lunches?
YAKKO: Y-up.
DOT: So much for policonomy...
> The number of children receiving breakfast under the
>USDA program is expected to more than double by 2002.
DOT: Which means lots of overtime for Snap, Crackle and Pop.
> The USDA provides
>schools $1.99 for each lunch served and $1.19 for each breakfast
>served.
WAKKO: You can't buy many Egg McMuffins for _that._
YAKKO: You can if you get a drink and hash browns with it.
DR.: Vot iss zis, a McDonalds commercial?
> DPPI currently provides a fun-to-eat lunch product
WAKKO: [sitting at his desk, covered with food.] It's not _that_
much fun.
[A bolus of something whacks him in the head from behind.]
DR.: [off-camera] Vot did I chust zay?
> that
>provides 50% of the FDA's daily nutritional requirements and requires
>no preparation, refrigeration or heating.
DOT: It doesn't sound like it requires any eating, either.
YAKKO: Who'd want to?
WAKKO: Oh, I dunno...
> Each meal is pre-package in
>recyclable trays (to meet the new recycling requirements) as a single
>serving with a shelf life of sixty days
WARNERS: EWWWWW!
> -- all for $1.00 per serving.
DOT: You see? You _do_ get what you pay for!
>Dippy Foods has no competition other than schools that (1) purchase raw
>goods and produce cafeteria style meals or, (2) purchase frozen
>prepared meals that require freezer storage, heating and other
>preparation prior to serving and often cost more than budget
>allowances.
YAKKO: That's right. Their competition is just people who actually
prepare real food.
DOT: Yeah. Get with the Nineties already?
YAKKO: Nineties?
DOT: We still haven't got that Zeros/Naughts thing figured out
yet.
> With the average age of a school kitchen being 27 years, It
>would be more cost effective to use "Dippers" than update these
>kitchens to the ever-changing kitchen standards.
WAKKO: Yeah, they could fire all the cleaning staff!
YAKKO: Ever _been_ in a school kitchen?
WAKKO: Good point.
>
>In June Dippy Foods completed the co-branding agreement with ConAgra
>Grocery Products Co.
YAKKO: Another appetite-killing brand name.
> DPPI will use ConAgra Grocery's nationally
>recognized named products, including Peter Pan Peanut Butter, Rosarita
>Salsa, and Knott's Berry Farm fruit filling in their Dippers product
>line of prepackaged school lunches. Dippers' new product label will
>incorporate the brand logos of these products.
WAKKO: Ah, product placement.
YAKKO: It's what made America great.
>
>Dippy Foods was incorporated in May 1997, became a public company in
>September 1998 and anticipates reporting a break-even year December
>1999.
YAKKO: Two and a half years without a profit?
DOT: I'll bet the shareholders are _not_ amused.
> DPPI currently provides luncheon products to five Orange County
>school districts and 25 additional school districts located from
>Oakland to Carlsbad.
[It is dark. All we can see is the WARNERS' eyes. Bats
squeak.]
WAKKO: Is it lunchtime yet? I can't see the clock!
> California alone serves 7 million meals every
>school day, (representing 12% of the US market) or spends a minimum of
>$3.7 billion dollars a year. The company's goal for 1999 and into early
>2000 is to meet current production capacity of 500,000 meals per month,
YAKKO: That is a _lot_ of nachos!
>which would provide a gross profit margin of between 18 -- 22%.
DOT: Shelf life of sixty days? Gross is right!
> The
>goal for 2000 is to produce 1.5 million meals per month and attain a
>gross profit margin of between 28 -- 35% percent.
WAKKO: [busily tapping away on a pocket calculator] So... that
means that it only costs 65 cents to make _and_ distribute
these things?
YAKKO: [doing same] Ye-ah, that's what I get.
WAKKO: That settles it. I'm officially not hungry any more.
YAKKO: [to audience] Mark this date on your calendars, folks!
> Conservative
>estimates suggest that the company should report approximately $50
>million in revenue by 2005.
DOT: [archly] Providing they can get over this _little_ problem
about not making any money right now.
> These numbers could change dramatically if
>the company is awarded some of the bids they are working on or some of
>the pilot sites turn into standing product orders.
YAKKO: They'll change even _more_ dramatically if they don't.
[Long shot of office building, with executive types leaping
from the windows.]
DOT: Eww... I think we've crossed the line with this one.
DR.: [off-camera] Better believe it...
>
> Dippy is currently
>in the development phase of a new breakfast-cereal line
DOT: [holding up a cereal box] New from Dippy Foods! Subsidy
Crunchies!
> and an after
>school snack. These new products have a December 1999 launch date.
YAKKO: So, anybody actually seen 'em?
DOT: Nope.
WAKKO: Nope.
DR.: Nein.
RALPH: [sticking his head in the door] Duhh... no.
RITA: [looking in at the window] No...
RUNT: [with RITA] Nope. Definitely nope.
YAKKO: [making a pronouncement] I think the plug's already been
pulled, gang.
> The
>company is also working with a club store retailer to promote its Nacho
>Dippers for the company's first retail application.
[The WARNERS are in a huge warehouse store, pushing a
shopping cart. On shelves are baseball bats, trolls' clubs,
anime-style mallets, even, in the distance, some anvils.]
WAKKO: This feels weird, Yakko.
YAKKO: I know, but it's the joke they expected.
> Dippy is developing
>its first region to encompass Arizona, Nevada, Washington, Oregon,
>Texas, New Mexico and California. This represents 44 key prospects that
>could account for 85% of the companies projected revenues over the next
>two years.
DOT: Mr. Eggs? Meet Mr. Basket.
> To maintain order
WAKKO: Ooh, stormtroopers!
['Vader's Theme' plays in the b/g. DARTH VADER, accompanied
by IMPERIAL STORMTROOPERS, enters the room.]
VADER: [pauses before speaking, one finger raised] No... some
things are beyond even the power of the Force. [He exits with
his troops]
YAKKO: And that is today's Lucasfilm reference.
> and production flow Dippy Foods'
>management team is evaluating additional food preparation companies
>with plans to have new production facilities up and running by December
>1999 with the ultimate goal being the construction or acquisition of
>its own production facilities.
YAKKO: So, to recap: no actual market, no actual product _and_ no
actual factory.
DOT: [starry-eyed. No, not literally.] But big dreams. Big, big
dreams!
>
>33 million free meals nationwide are being served daily and over 3
>million free meals in California schools alone.
YAKKO: Yes, I think seven million is definitely over three million.
DOT: Maybe the proofreader was on sick leave that day?
WAKKO: Or they're just making it up as they go.
YAKKO: We have a winner!
> Over 64 million dollars
>a day is spent by the U.S. government in the free school lunch and
>breakfast program. 12 billion dollars annually is spent to subsidize
>meals in United States schools alone. 60 million dollars a year equals
>less than 1% of the market share in the free school lunch and breakfast
>program.
DOT: Oh, come on. You can think bigger than that! Big dreams,
remember?
>
>Imagine your children actually wanting to eat school food. Most parents
>dream about it.
DR.: [MOL to himself] My parentz used to dream zat I would become
a succzessful zychiatrist.
YAKKO: You must have been a big disappointment to 'em, Doc.
DR.: Vell, yes, I... hey!
> Dippy Foods could change the way school breakfasts and
>lunches are served.
WAKKO: [hit from behind by food again] [sadly] It hurts more when
they don't take it out of the package.
> Now, late at night, instead of preparing your
>children's next day breakfast and lunch, you can spend time doing
>something that you want to do.
DOT: Watching Judge Judy?
YAKKO: Watching Jerry Springer?
WAKKO: Watching grass grow?
DR.: [sotto voce] Retirink to ze Bahamas?
>
>Once again, please visit http://212.91.174.30/dppi for full details.
>
WARNERS: Pass...
>****** DISCLAIMER ******
YAKKO: Why did I know this was coming?
>This material is being provided by Growth Stock 2000, an electronic
>newsletter paid by the issuer for publishing the information contained
>in this report.
DOT: We're a bulk emailer and we're proud of it!
WAKKO: You think he answered an ad he saw on the Internet?
YAKKO: Wouldn't surprise me.
> Rubicon Capital Corporation has paid a consideration of
>32,000 free trading shares of common stock of Dippy Foods, Inc. to
>Growth Stock 2000 as payment for the publication of the information
>contained in this report.
WAKKO: Cheap at half the price!
> Growth Stock 2000 and its affiliates have
>agreed not to sell the common stock received as payment for its
>services until October 22, 1999, which date is 15 days from the initial
>dissemination of this report.
YAKKO: Which should be just long enough for this announcement to
drive the share price up.
DOT: Just because they're spammers doesn't mean they're stupid,
Yakko.
YAKKO: I think I've been zinged...
> After such date, Growth Stock 2000 may
>sell such shares in spite of any historical, current or future report
>or information conveyed about such securities.
YAKKO: Or they might make these swell paper hats from them.
[demonstrates]
DOT: Or line bird cages.
WAKKO: Or make papier mache' busts of Don Knotts. [quickly completes
one]
YAKKO: Hey, good likeness!
WAKKO: I used bearer bonds for the hair.
> Because Growth Stock
>2000 is paid for its services, there is an inherent conflict of
>interest in Growth Stock 2000's statements and opinions and such
>statements and opinions cannot be considered independent.
WAKKO: Ehhhh... so what exactly does that mean?
YAKKO: That the information isn't worth a pile of...
DR.: Hey... not in ein kids' cartoon, OK?
YAKKO: [colouring slightly] Sorry, Doc...
> The
>information contained in this publication is for informational purposes
>only
YAKKO: And is supplied by the Department of Redundancy Department.
[silence from everyone]
YAKKO: [defensively] Well, the bots used to get a chuckle with that
line...
> and not to be construed as an offer to sell or solicitation of an
>offer to buy any security.
DOT: I want to buy some security! I'm very insecure!
WAKKO: About what?
DOT: About whether I'll keep my cuteness when I grow up!
Y & W: [look at each other] Grow up?
> Please be advised that Dippy Foods, Inc. is
>not offering securities for sale to persons in California or Minnesota.
DOT: That's mean!
WAKKO: That's senseless!
YAKKO: That's finance!
>Growth Stock 2000 makes no representation or warranty relating to the
>validity of the facts presented nor does Growth Stock 2000 represent or
>warrant that all material facts necessary to make an investment
>decision are presented above.
YAKKO: Remember what I said about what this is worth?
D & W: Yes?
YAKKO: [with some disgust] Double it.
> All statements of opinions are those of
>Growth Stock 2000. Growth Stock 2000 relies exclusively on information
>gathered from public filings on featured companies, as well as, in
>certain circumstances, interviews conducted by Growth Stock 2000 of
>management of featured companies.
DOT: Plus we check our horoscopes every day!
WAKKO: And call Jojo's Psychic Alliance when we really need to know
the facts!
DOT: She's back on the air?
YAKKO: Apparently.
WAKKO: I knew that already.
DOT: Wow! Wakko's psychic!
WAKKO: [modestly] It's a gift.
> Investors should not rely solely on
>the information contained in this publication. Rather, investors should
>use the information contained in this publication as a starting point
>for conducting additional research on the featured companies in order
>to allow the investor to form his or her own opinion regarding the
>featured companies.
YAKKO: In other words, don't believe a word of what you read here.
WAKKO: Talk about wasting bandwidth!
> Factual statements contained in this publication
>are made as of the date stated and they are subject to change without
>notice.
WAKKO: And have no basis in fact anyway.
DOT: Would it be cruel to call them liars?
YAKKO: Let's just say they have a free-wheeling approach to the
truth...
> Growth Stock 2000 is not a registered investment adviser,
>broker or a dealer.
YAKKO: That's right. They're just a couple of nerds with a bulk
email program and an old copy of The Wall street Journal.
> Investment in the companies reviewed is speculative
>and extremely high-risk and may result in the loss of some or all of
>any investment made in Dippy Foods, Inc.
DOT: Well, duh.
WAKKO: Yeah, even _we_ figured that out!
> Projections of future
>financial results are provided solely by Dippy Foods, Inc. No
>assurances are given that Dippy Foods, Inc. will achieve said
>projections.
YAKKO: Or will even exist in six months.
> This publication contains forward-looking statements that
>are subject to risk and uncertainties that could cause results to
>differ materially from those set forth in the forward-looking
>statements.
WAKKO: Hunh?
YAKKO: It's broker talk for, 'We don't know what's gonna happen next
either.'
> These forward-looking statements represent the judgment of
>Dippy Foods, Inc. as of the date of this publication. The Company
>disclaims any intent or obligation to update these forward-looking
>statements.
YAKKO: So we shouldn't expect any 'Boy, were _we_ dumb!' messages.
WAKKO: Who does?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
DOT: Pretty white space...
YAKKO: Which means...?
WAKKO: We're done!
DR.: Zo..., vat did you learn today?
YAKKO: That people will sell anything on the Internet.
DOT: That people will _say_ anything on the Internet.
WAKKO: That there are worse things than cafeteria food.
DR.: [nodding] Very goot. Very goot indeed. Now, vy don't you
scamper off und haff some lunch, und zen ve vill haff our
next lesson.
[The WARNERS look at each other a moment.]
YAKKO: Err, Doc... could we skip lunch and just have that next
lesson now?
[FADE TO BLACK, as we hear WAKKO belch one last time...]
> The
>information contained in this publication is for informational purposes
>only