MSTing: Night of the Next Generation 2/14

[jnevins]

My MSTing: ...Where no good writer has gone before...

>Path:infoserver.bgsu.edu!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!math.ohio-sta
te.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!news.cac.psu.edu!usenet

Tom: Boy, _Variety_'s headlines have sure gotten complex...

>From: "Todd A. Bobenrieth" <TAB...@PSU.EDU>

Crow: (Gilda Radner voice) No, Todd, I *don't* want to read
your fanfic.

>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: REPOST:Night of the Next Generation (2/14)

Mike: Okay, Dr. F, we're ready for you this time...

>Date: 27 Mar 1996 21:49:36 GMT
>Organization: TAMBOFILMS

Crow: "Jambo" to you, too!
Tom: Isn't that polite, saying hi to us like that.

>Lines: 119

Tom: Cool! This'll be a short one.
Crow: Good.

>Message-ID: <4jcd5g$o...@hearst.cac.psu.edu>
NNTP-Posting-Host: nb8slip94.cac.psu.edu
>Mime-Version: 1.0
>Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
>Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>X-Mailer: Mozilla 1.22 (Windows; I; 16bit)

II

Captains log, Supplemental -

Tom: With vitamins A, B, and D, for when you're a tired, bald,
old man with pretensions of acting grandeur.

As tractor beams are useless in the nebula, we are forced to

Crow: Go down to the galley and row in shifts.

shuttle an away team over to the Rickover with hopes that perhaps

Mike: Riker and LaForge will suffer an accident and die.

the impulse engine are functional

Tom: (breathless female voice) *Fully* functional, Mr. Tyler.
Going....down?

and can be used to give the ship inertia

Crow: Why don't they just borrow some from this post? Lord
knows it's got enough...

which will drift her out into normal space. Commander Riker has
selected the necessary personnel to accompany him.

Tom: (Picard voice) Not surprisingly, they're all female
junior offices, and Riker has requested that they
wear only their Starfleet teddies.

Commander Data will remain on board the Enterprise to continue his
study of

Mike: (Picard voice) The new computer game we just downloaded,
_Cherry 2000: Where No Robot Has Gone Before_

the Nebula. He has created an enhanced communications device
which he believes will cut through the nebula interference and
allow us o stay in contact with the away team.

Crow: I didn't know tin cans attached by string worked in a
vacuum!
Mike: Shhh, Crow! Suspension of disbelief...remember how we
talked about that?

* * *

"Commander, the device uses sub-phase particles for
communication,

Crow: *sigh* Few things as annoying as lame Star Trek pseudo-
science, eh, guys?
Tom: I'm just waiting for the phrase "invert the
polarization." Then I can hunt down *Martin* and
*Todd* and run them down without any guilt.

and so requires an inordinate amount of power to function."

Tom: (catty female voice) I'm not surprised he's saying that
to Riker. Genie Francis told me that he has
trouble functioning under most circumstances.

Riker was suiting up in a Federation environment suit.

Mike: This would be the first time in the history of Next
Generation when Riker's actually *put on* clothing
while around women.

Chances were life support would not be functioning on the Rickover,
and until they could get it so, these would be necessary. Data was
briefing him on the new comm device.

Crow: (Data voice) Only ten cents a minute, Commander. But you
must sign up now, and give me the names and copies
of palmprints of your ten closest friends and
family members.

"As such, you wil only be able to use it for a limited time--2
maybe 3 minutes at best. Then you will have to allow it time to
recharge."

Tom: What *could* he be talking to Beverly about...
Mike: TOM!
Tom: (sheepishly) Couldn't help it...sorry, Mike...

"Thank you, Data, I'll take that under advice," grunted Riker as he
grappled with an anti-grav boot.

Mike: *whew* The less I have to think about Jonathon Frakes
grunting, the happier I'll be.
Crow: Yeah, really - I know I'm gonna have a nasty Spartacus
dream tonight involving him.
Tom: Crow, I really, _really_ wish you hadn't said that.

"But we shouldn't be over there that long. As soon as Geordi get's
the power back on line, we'll have her out, and then we on't need
that thing any more."
"Commander, this is unacceptable!" Worf stepped from around
the suit lockers.

Crow: (Worf voice) I *refuse* to tuck Wesley in at night.

As he was Klingon, his environment suit had been tailor made, and
badly at that. It was bagging in some places, and skin tight in
others.

Tom: So he looks like a Klingon Sidney Greenstreet?
Crow: Well, you know Worf - he knew about those safe new
breast and penile implants, but would he listen?
Noooooo....

Riker had to stifle back a laugh.
"I thouht you were Klingon, Worf," he commented. "You sound
like a Ferengi. Anyway, as I was just telling Data, we won't be
over there very long."

Mike: (Worf voice) Speaking of which, Commander, here's your
pink slip. Captain Picard asked me to deliver it
to you personally. There's also a message written
on the back - I believe it reads, "Bite me."

Worf huffed and

Tom: He puffed and he BLEW the starship down....

disappeared once again around the lockers. Riker turned back and
finished fastening his boots to the suit. He stood up and spread
his arms.
"Well, how do I look?" he asked.

Crow: Like 195 pounds of--
Mike: *puts hands over Crow's beak* That'll be fine, Crow.
Crow: MMMPPH!

Data looked puzzled. "With your eyes, just as you always do, sir."

Tom: (monotone) Oh, for fun. Stop. The hilarity. Oh. My ribs.

Riker ripped off a laugh. "You know Data, for someone who doesn't
understand humor, you sure do get off a good zinger every now and
then."

Crow: (Data voice) Making tea is rather simple, sir. Shall I
demonstrate the tea ball for you again?

"Zinger, sir?"

Tom: (lame comedian voice) Zinger? I don't even KNOW her! Ha!
Mike sighs.

Riker grinned. "I'll explain laer. Come on. You can finish
briefing me on the way to the shuttle bay."

Mike: Y'know, there are few things in life I want to think
about less than Jonathon Frankes' briefs.

* * *

"Ok, team, form up!" the Commander ordered.
The away team made a line in front of him.

Mike (obnoxious Niedermayer voice): Is that a pledge pin I see
on your uniform, LaForge?

It consisted of Geordi LaForge and second engineer Waymond Thomas
to get the power on line, Doctors Helena Rushka and Gordon Reeves

Crow: I don't recognize their names - they must be Red Shirts.
Tom: How long before they get snuffed?
Mike: I say...Chapter Four.
Crow: Chapters Five and Six, I think.
Tom: I'm willng to bet one of them makes it until Chapter
Eight.
Mike: What're the stakes, gentlemen? I say Crow has to carry
Tom into the theatre.
Crow: Fine. And if I win, *Tom* has to straighten up -
aaannnnd wash - my underroos collection.
Mike: And if I win, you two space monkies will clean up the
load pan bays and help Gypsy - with no back-talk.
Right?
Tom: Okay - but if we win, our bedtime is 11:30 on weekdays,
and on Friday night we get to stay up and watch
Letterman.
Gypsy enters theater, stage left.
Gypsy: I want in on this action! I say they buy it in Chapters
Six and Seven - and if I'm right you three will
join me for a nice tea party.
Crow: And if you're wrong?
Mike: She'll let you guys steer the ship for a day.
Tom: Oh, cool!
Mike: Okay - Cambot, you're the middle-bot, here.
Cambot nods head up and down.

to assist any would-be survivors, and Worf with a 2

Mike: Okay, you've got your power forward - but who's at point
guard?

security officers as a precautionary measure. All were equipped
with standard issue hand phasers. They didn't knowwhat had
happened to the Rickover yet, and were not about to take any
chances.

Tom: Which is why Riker was going first - if it was a trap,
they wouldn't lose anybody vital to the operation
of the ship.

The shuttle bay door suddenly opened, and Picard came strolling in.

Crow: (sarcastic voice) Oh, does the great Jean-Luc Picard
wish to mingle with the lower officers?

Riker turned to the team. "Captain on deck!" They all snapped to
attention.

Mike: Those that hadn't been put to sleep by Riker's
"inspirational" speech.

Picard walked up and stood beside Riker. "As you were,"

Tom: (Picard voice) When you put your hand into a bunch of goo
that a minute before was your best friend's
face...you'll know what to do.

he ordered. He then turned to the Commander.
"Number one, I don't need to tell you this could be a very
dangerous mission.

Crow: (Picard voice) Which is why we're sending you alone, and
without a phaser.

We have no idea what to expect over there. I don't want you taking
any chances. As soon as you see signs of trouble, I want you of
that ship."
"Aye, sir, you can count on me."

Mike: No, you can't! This is Riker you're talking to!

Riker turned to the crew. "Ok, team, let's load up!"

Tom: (jock voice) Whooo! Kill-drill on the kegger! Whooo!

As Riker headed for the shuttle, Picard placed a hand on his
shoulder.

Crow: (Picard voice) Hmmm. You've been working out, Number
One. Care to, ahem, "model" for me later?

"Wil," he whispered, "be careful."

Tom: (Picard voice) If you died I...I don't think I could
stand the pain...not after Worf left me at the the
altar the way he did...

Riker nodded and, and then climbed into the shuttle. Alarm klaxons
went off as the main shuttle bay doors began to open.

Mike: Nah, it was just Riker - he had beans for lunch again.

Picard stepped behind the safety line and the force field went up.
The bay depressurized and the shuttle rose from the deck as the
main door field was lowered. Slowly it advanced out of the haner
and into the glowing mass of the nebula.

Crow: Y'know, this reminds me of some parts of _Moby Dick_.
Tom: Except for instead of a white whale, we've got Riker's
gut.
Mike: New rule, guys - don't *ever* mention Jonathon Frakes'
stomach or hinder, okay?

As Picard watched it go, a cold feeling suddenly came upon him.

Tom: (jock voice) XYZ, Picard...huh huh, whooo! huh huh...

Something was ery wrong about that derilict ship,

Crow: (Shatner voice) Something...is wrong...on Saturn 5....

and now he had just sent some of his best officers over to it.

Mike: He must be thinking about another mission.

He prayed he hadn't made a grave mistake.

Tom: (Picard voice) Best to play it safe and add an extra
sacrifice to Ba'al tonight....a shame Counsellor
Troi isn't here...oh, but I need a virgin, that's
right...ah, Commander LaForge, he'll do....

* * *

Commander Data was at the sensor console again as Picard
strolled out of the turbolift and onto the bridge.
"Anything new, Mr. Data?" he inquired.

Mike: (Data voice) Negative, Captain. I've found something
old, something borrowed, and something blue, but
I'm afraid your wedding to Commander Riker will be
short one item.

"This nebula is like none we have ever encountered, sir," said the
android. "It's not made of the usual particals.

Tom: "Particals," huh? Maybe if you typed in "particles,"
your search would go correctly. Dickweed.

I have run it's structure against over 75 million known forms of
elements in the galaxy, and have yet to find a match."

Crow: (Data voice) However, when I ran it against the list of
ingredients in Twinkies, I did achieve partial
success.

"Keep looking, Data. I'm sure you'll find it. Have we got a
status on the away team yet?"

Mike: (Data voice) The outlook isn't brilliant for the
Starfleet 9 today, Captain; the score stands 4 to 2
with but one inning left to play.

Data swiveled around in his chair.

Tom: *singing* Burn baby burn, disco inferno!

"As expected, sir, all contact was lost as soon as the shuttle was
over 2000 meters from the Enterprise."

Mike: (jock voice) Yeah, that party dog Riker probably went
over to Sauk Rapids to pick up Scooter, than to the
packy and up to the cottage on Mille Lake....

He got up and headed for the tactical console. "Commander Riker
will not begin using the sub-phase communicator

Tom: (female voice) Typical man - he doesn't know how to do
*anything* that has to do with communicating...

until they have become situated on the Rickover, as it has a very
limited time use. I think I can bring the shuttle up on the main
viewer."
Data fiddled with the station controls.

Mike: Hey, watch the hands, Spiner - there are little `bots
reading this!

The view screen jittered and fuzzed

Tom: (female Scandahoovian voice) Dear, the cable's out again.
Crow: (male Scandahoovian voice) Well, I'll climb up on the
roof to see what's for...

until finally they could make out the rough shape of the
shuttlecraft silhouetted by the mass of the Rickover.

Crow: Good thing Shatner's not here - his ego would block both
of them, and the sun.

Suddenly, Picard was again seized by the cold feeling which had
gripped him in the shuttle bay.

Mike: (narrator's voice) He looked down and realized that
Data, that scamp, had pantsed him.

"Data, I want at least two people monitoring that channel at all
times,"

Crow: (Data voice) Captain, crew members have requested
euthanasia rather than be forced to watch the Golf
Channel again.

he ordered. "If you hear ANYTHING out of the ordinary, orer the
Commander to return to the ship at once."

Tom: Quick, guys, what sort of things would be out of the
ordinary here?
Mike: (Riker voice) I think I'll stay in a committed
relationship.
Crow: (Troi voice) You mean there's actually a non-exploitive
uniform for me this week?
Tom: (Beverly Crusher voice) I'm so glad you're taking me
seriously as an actress and character, Mr.
Director.
Mike: (Worf voice) I shall be dancing the lead in _Swan Lake_
this evening.
Crow: (LaForge voice) I've decided to stop whining about
women.
Tom: (Data voice) Yes, Captain, I did indeed nail Tasha Yar.
She was good, too.
Mike: (Picard voice) I'm not going to throw a tantrum on the
set this week.
Crow: (Shatner voice) I'll...allow...someone else....to
have...the spotlight...I don't....*need*...to be
the center...of attention....

"Yes sir," answered Data.
The Captain took one last look at the view screen, and then
retreated into his ready room.

Mike: Just like Picard...retreat when things get bad.
Crow: Captain, we've sighted a Ferengi shuttlecraft.
Tom: (Picard voice) Signal our surrender.
Crow: Two down, twelve to go...I'm so depressed....

a Nevins/Malcom joint