[MiSTing] [REVISED] Smoked Spam (2/3)
Juliet A. Youngren
[SoL Bridge. Mike is passing the time with one of those cup-and-ball
games, not very successfully. Tom dashes on from stage right.]
TOM: Mike! You'd better come quick--Crow's acting really weird.
MIKE: What's wrong?
TOM: Between that awful German _Hamlet_ and today's drug spams, I
really think he's ... well, see for yourself.
[Crow now enters, stage right. He's draped in some kind of white,
floaty robe. Various types of leaves and flowers are stuck in his
net and claws. His ping-pong-ball eyes seem unfocused.]
MIKE: Crow, you look like a Hare Krishna.
CROW: [holding out a plant to Tom and speaking in a distant tone]
There's Drachsha, that's for remembrance. Pray you, love,
remember.
TOM: I am *not* your love!
CROW: [holding out another plant to Mike] And there is Chavana Prash,
that's for thoughts. [normal voice] You'll need it.
MIKE: Thanks, I--hey!
CROW: [turning to Cambot, misty voice again] There's Wild Dagga for
you, and Hybrid Flowering Turnera Diffusa.
MIKE: Uh, Crow...
[Crow moves in closer to Cambot, so that he is in extreme close-up.]
CROW: There's Core-refined Valeriana Officinalis for you, and here
is some for me. We may call it "Bob" o' Sundays. I would
give you some Leonorus Sibricus buddings, but they withered
all when my father died.
TOM: [crowding into the side of the shot] Crow, Joel didn't die. He
escaped back to earth, remember?
CROW: Well, that's it for me.
[He drifts off, stage right. There is a pause.]
MIKE: Wonder what he meant by that.
TOM: Uh, Mike...after she did that thing with the flowers...didn't
Ophelia go drown herself?
MIKE: Yeah, that's what happened.
[Pause. Mike and Tom look at each other]
MIKE: Uh-oh.
[They dash off, stage right. After a few moments, Crow enters from
stage left, minus the costume. He picks up Mike's discarded cup and
ball and starts playing with it. Mike and Tom eventually return,
panting.]
CROW: [normal voice] Hi, guys!
MIKE: Crow! Thank goodness you're all right.
TOM: Yeah, we thought you were going to throw yourself into a river
or something.
CROW: Well, I was, but then I remembered we don't have one up here.
[Lights and sirens go off]
ALL: WE GOT DRUG SPAM SIIIIIIIIIGN!
[Door sequence. They enter the theater and sit down.]
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Weedman"
MIKE: [Stoner] That's some good weeeed, maaaaan.
<xlypqz...@chouette.saclay.cea.fr>
CROW: Saclay bleu!
TOM: What is that, French with a lisp?
> To: <kuyfj...@chouette.saclay.cea.fr>
> Sent: Monday, January 21, 2002 1:39 PM
> Subject: Prohibition Buster roghk
CROW: [Brooklyn accent] Yeah, barkeep, bring me anudder wanna deme
dere Prohibition Busters. I wanna celebrate the repeal s'more.
[Retching] roghk!!
>
> Now Offering for your
>
> "Sensitive" Delight ...
MIKE: Trojan Condoms!
CROW & TOM: [Singing, unison] TROJAN MAN!!!
TOM: [Horse whinny]
CROW: Oh, all right. One toke before we go.
>
> NEW & IMPROVED
MIKE: Wait. If it's new, how do we know it's improved?
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
> *** KATHMANDU 2 ***
TOM: Watch as Richard Gere kicks the Dailai-Lama-ding-dong out of
the Chinese in Tibet!!
>
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
> Thanks to recent dramatic advances in the laboratorial processes for
> the extraction of botanical/herbal alkaloids and glycosides,
MIKE: [Dexter] That I, Dexter, boy geeenyus have perfected ...
> we are
> now able to offer what has already been the most incredibly potent
> marijuana/cannabis alternative available on the planet ....
MIKE: Real life!
CROW: Uhh ... earth to Mike? You are stuck up in a satellite,
forced to read rancid email spam. You *have* no life!
MIKE: Oh, right. I'm a fine one to talk, aren't I?
TOM: Ayup.
>
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> KATHMANDU TEMPLE KIFF!!!
MIKE: Is that anywhere near Tatooine?
CROW: This is your 'bot.
TOM: [R2D2, chipper and helpful] Beep beep beep-beep beeep boop beep!
CROW: And this is your 'bot on drugs.
TOM: [R2D2 again, but slow and deeper] Beeeeep beeeeeeep beeeeeeep
beeeeep bewooooooww!
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
> It is NEW,
MIKE: Except it isn't.
> IMPROVED
CROW: That's debatable.
> and
>
> 20 times more stokin'-tokin' potent in its formulation.
TOM: Stokin', tokin,' pokin', cloakin', chokin' ...
CROW: J. R. R. Tolkien ...
>
> KATHMANDU 2
ALL: Electric Boogaloo!
>
> ... a viripotent cannabis alternative for
TOM: Geez! These guys use more versions of "potent" than a Viagra
copywriter!
>
> blissful regressions of vexatious depressions...
CROW: [Hypnotist] Now, Mr. Dark Cloud, go back, go back to the time
when you were the happiest, when you were a content little ball
of pessimism.
>
> * Burns and Smokes Easier!
TOM: [Agitated] Easier than WHAT???
MIKE: Weed, of course. Dandelion, goldenrod ...
> * Tokes Deeper!
MIKE: Kills Brain Cells Faster!
> * Tastes Sweeter!
TOM: Also repels mosquitos!
MIKE: Makes a yummy dessert topping!
CROW: Dissolves gritty bathtub rings!
>
> * Lasts Longer!
TOM: [singing] So breathe a little deeper, toke a little longer,
chill out a little longer-er, longer with Big Weed!
>
> Kathmandu
TOM: Stately home of Mr. Kwai Chang Caine. The price? Boot to the
head!!
MIKE: Woah ... Three-in-one riff! Bonus RAM chip for you when we're
done tonight, Servo!
> Temple Kiff is a proprietary; Nepalese, sensitive,
> pipe-smoking/stoking substance.
MIKE: So, basically, it's derived from Audrey 2's shy Himalayan
cousins that you've enslaved?
TOM: [Audrey 2] Free me!!
> Kathmandu Temple Kiff is indeed the
> most substantial
MIKE: ...waste of money you're ever going to find.
> marijuana/cannabis alternative on the planet.
MIKE: Well, that, too.
TOM: [Weedman] And since we sell by weight, that means it's the most
expensive, too.
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> Absolutely Legal!
TOM: On Arakis, maybe.
> Marvelously Potent!
TOM: Completely Time-Wasting!
>
>
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> Kathmandu
TOM: Or, what you'll find in Pumaman's litter box.
MIKE: *There's* an image I didn't need. And I thought Crow was bad!
> Temple Kiff possesses all of the positive virtues fine
> ganja/cannabis
ALL: ANIME FLASHBACK!!!
CROW: There'll be some Pokemon sex around the corner. I just *know*
it!
TOM: Either that, or Guerin will pop up with one of his footnotes to
explain what "ganja" means.
> without any of the negatives.
TOM: [singing] You got to ac-cent-u-ate the positive, downplay the
negative ...
> An amalgamation of high
> concentrates
TOM: Pun intended.
[All laugh weakly.]
> of rare euphoric herbals.
CROW: ...is not available here.
MIKE: Great. Even the plants themselves are addicts!
>
>
>
> Kathmandu is offered in a solid jigget/bar format
MIKE: Jigget? What the heck is a jigget?
CROW: Jigget! Yeah, boogie! Get down wit' your bad self!
> and is actually
> more UPLIFTING & POISED
CROW: Did we suddenly wander into a penis enlargement spam?
>
> than cannabis /marijuana while rendering
MIKE: So you can use this stuff for plastering? I'll have to
remember that.
>
> Euphoria, Happiness, Mood-Enhancement,
> Stress/Depression Relief
TOM: All pretty much the same thing.
>
> and promoting contemplativeness,
MIKE: [stoned] Wow. That blue carpet is just...so...*blue.*
> creativity,
CROW: Of course I'm looking for a job, honey! I'm just...practicing
my interviewing skills with Bob here.
> sounder sleep,
TOM: As your brain frantically tries to repair the neurological
damage you do during the day!
> lucid
> dreaming ...
MIKE: Remember your drug-enduced nightmares even better!
> and enhancing the sexual experience!!!
CROW: Without the use of a partner!
>
>
> ***********
>
>
> Kathmandu Temple Kiff is simply the BEST and just a little
> pinch/snippet
MIKE: [Southern drawl] Just a pinch between your cheek and gum...
> of the Kathmandu goes a long, "sensitive" way.
TOM: More like a short, numb way.
> Just 4
> or 5 draws of the pipe ...
CROW: Yes, and .. . ?
> (an herb pipe included with each package
> of Kathmandu Temple Kiff).
CROW: Well, thank you. Though I wouldn't think a pipe made of herbs
would be useful more than once.
MIKE: No usage instructions? I think the Snuffleupagashii was a
better deal.
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> PLEASE NOTE: Although no botanical factor
TOM: Botany and math combined? Ugh!
> in Kathmandu Temple Kiff
> is illegal or considered to be harmful by regulatory agencies
CROW: Yet, anyway.
> and no
> tobacco is included therein, it is the policy of our company
TOM: I didn't realize that two guys in their parents' basement
constitutes a company.
> that
> Kathmandu Temple Kiff may not be offered or sold
MIKE: In any American state or territory...
> to any person that
> has not attained at least 21 years of age.
TOM: And you can enforce this...how?
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
>
> So power-smokin potent is our new formulation, that much to our
TOM: --Horror, all of our focus group O.D.'d and went comatose.
CROW: Right now, I wish I *were* comatose.
> delight and actually even to our amazement,
MIKE: [Weedman] We've actually gotten a couple of responses to our
spam.
> we have even be able to
> establish a very happy clientele within the hard core stoner market.
MIKE: [Chuckling] That's not very hard to do.
TOM: Yeah, they'd be content just to watch paint dry.
>
>
>
>
> ____________________________________________________________________
>
> Here is what our customers are saying about
MIKE: Their court cases against us.
>
> Kathmandu Temple Kiff:
TOM: [Jay Sherman] It sucks!
>
>
> "Thank you so much
CROW: ... for the cute pink bunny pajamas. I will wear them every
night and think of you. Love, Ralphie.
> for the Temple Kiff.
MIKE: [customer] It's the perfect thing to compliment my garden
decor.
> It is everything you guys
> claim,
TOM: Personally, I wish they'd just *claim* up! Ha!
[Mike and Crow groan]
> and then some! I was a bit skeptical when I read your
CROW: [customer] --Dog ate the rest of your homework, and still am.
> description of its effects,
TOM: This must be the same guy that writes those Penthouse letters.
Not that I'd know anything about that.
> but there is literally no
MIKE: Truth.
> exaggeration
> in your advertisements. How nice
MIKE: [Church Lady] Well, isn't that special.
> that this is legal! It tastes
> great and
CROW: [man] It's less filling!
> feels great too! I am so glad I took a chance
TOM: [singing] Take a chnce on life, take a chance on me ...
> and ordered.
MIKE: [customer] Of course, I order from every email spam I get.
*One* of them had to pay off, right?
> Blessings to all of you." --
CROW: Did we all just sneeze or something?
> Frankie R.
MIKE: [bobby-soxer] Frankie!
TOM: [ditto] He's a dreamboat!
>
> "I'm a man of my 40's and I really know my stuff.
CROW: [man] I don't remember anything from 1969 to 1975. I *must*
know a lot about drugs!
> I don't drink or
> do illegal drugs anymore
ALL: Suuuuure you don't!
> and have found a much more spiritual path.
TOM: [man] I'm addicted to JEE-sus!
> I used to have to take Valium in the past.
CROW: [man] And amphetamines in the future. I had a Twilight Zone
doctor.
> Not anymore with the
> Temple Kiff.
TOM: [man] Now I take valium because I want to!
> It really amazes me how
CROW: [man] ... people like me keep falling for stuff like this.
> this stuff tastes exactly like
> the Lebanese
[Crow starts panting]
]MIKE: [Warningly] Crow ...
CROW: Oh, don't worry. I'm too busy imagining it to say it.
> red
CROW: Oh yes ...
> and blond
CROW: Come to poppa ...
> hash
CROW: Oh, rats.
> I used to smoke in the 70's and it
> has a much more pleasurable effect.
TOM: Of course, almost anything's more pleasurable than reliving the
70's.
> I am very satisfied with this
> product. I like it a lot
MIKE: [man] I like it VERY MUCH!
> and will be a customer for life for sure.
CROW: Like wow, man.
TOM: Totally.
> Whoever makes this stuff is an ARTIST at it.
MIKE: A clever forger, but an artist nonetheless.
CROW: Yeah, they rank right up there with Monet and DaVinci.
> Who would have
> thought?!
CROW: Not any of these stoners, that's for sure.
TOM: Like, totally.
> Folks, this is the real stuff!
MIKE: Huh? I thought the whole point was that it *wasn't* the real
stuff.
> Look no further!!"
> -- A.J.
TOM: A. J. Simon?! My last idol has fallen! *sniff*
>
>
>
[They stand and leave the theater. 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6]
[SoL. The Mads' Light is flashing as Our Heroes emerge from the
theater.]
MIKE: Looks like the Pearl wants us. [Hits the light]
[Castle Forrester. Observer can be seen, sprawled on the floor, in
the background. Pearl is standing before the camera, holding a bowl
of dried green stuff in one hand. Aside from a somewhat over-bright
smile, she seems basically normal.]
PEARL: Well, I must say, this fake Mary Jane stuff lives up to its
promise of inspiring creative thoughts. I just realized that
if these idiots can come up with a marketable product using a
bunch of random plants, then so can I. Here I've got the
basic mix for Auntie Pearl's Miracle Herbal Seasoning, made up
of such exotic ingredients as Digitaria, Lamiaceae Glechoma
hederacea, and Taraxacum officinale. Don't they sound exotic
and delicious?
[SoL]
MIKE: Uh...sure, I guess.
[Castle Forrester]
PEARL: Actually, it's crabgrass, creeping charlie, and dandelions.
Now to test it on my focus group. BOBO!
[Bobo enters, munching on another banana.]
PEARL: Give me that. I want you to try something for me.
[She grabs the banana, sprinkles the dried stuff all over it, and
hands it back to Bobo.]
BOBO: Thanks, Lawgiver. Looks groovy.
[He wolfs it down.]
PEARL: I'd say that was a success. Now all I have to do is start
mass-producing it.
[She moves back and nudges Observer with her foot.]
PEARL: Brain Guy! Wake up! I've got a job for you!
OBS.: [opening his eyes] Pearl? Where did you get that extra heads,
and why is one of them a German shepherd?
PEARL: [sighs] Never mind. Just finish sending the alternate version
of that Kathmandu spam, if you can manage it. [Turning back to
the camera] And you guys, GET BACK INTO THE THEATER!
[SoL. Lights and sirens.]
ALL: WE GOT KATHMANDU SIIIIIIIGN!
[Door sequence: 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1.]
CONCLUDED in Part 3