Misting- "Triumph of the Retart"- [Daria, Guerin] [Rated R] [5/8]
Matthew Blackwell
draped with a red and white checkered tablecloth and a lit candle
planted in a bottle sits atop it. Mike enters, along with the
bots.]
Mike: Good evening. Tonight on the Satellite of Love we take a
look at the romantic effects of the diner.
Crow: Yes, the humble diner, once thought to be merely a place
to eat, has been shown to be a hotbed of romantic
intrigue.
Tom: Just look at recent examples - David and Daria in
tonight's story.
Mike: Harry and Sally.
Crow: Skyler and Will In "Good Will Hunting."
Mike: Say, I heard that Matt Damon was working on a sequel
where he plays a character named King Wenceslas Looked
Down. He's calling it Good King Wenc...
Crow: We've already heard that one, Mike.
Mike: Oh. [pause] Anyway, the bots here are going to
demonstrate the romantic potential of diners.
Gentlemen, if you will.
[Mike bows with a flourish and exits. The bots move behind
the console.]
Crow: I had a lovely time tonight.
Tom: Thank you. I thought that you'd enjoy the exhibit. Ooh.
They've got onion rings here! Nummy!
Crow: You're much more of a gentlemen than I ever suspected.
Kinda handsome too.
Tom: Should I get a cheeseburger or a grilled cheese
sandwich? They both sound so good.
Crow: You know, after dinner we could head back to my house.
My parents won't be home for hours...
Tom: Wow! They sell milkshakes here too!
Crow: You know, dairy based drinks make me really h...
[Alarms begin to sound.]
Crow: There's an alarm for saying that?
Mike: [rushing in] No! Someone's boarding the ship!
[As Mike speaks, the bridge fills with smoke. Dramatic music
begins to play as Cambot zooms in on a section of smoke lit
from the back. From the haze step four men, who are quickly
revealed as...]
All: GASP! IT'S ROCK/RAP FUSION ARTISTS LIMP BIZKIT!
Tom: With singer Fred Durst, Sam Rivers on bass, John Otto
on drums, and Wes Burland on guitar!
Crow: Nice expository intro, Tom.
Tom: Thanks.
Fred: Hey.
[The remainder of the band mumbles hellos as well.]
Mike: What brings you guys here?
Fred: We heard you guys had a keg up here.
Crow: No...
Mike: Yeah, we do. From Tom's little James Joyce episode.
[Mike and Crow turn to stare at Tom, who looks sheepish.]
Tom: It's over there.
Fred: Cool. Thanks.
[The band exits, stage right.]
Crow: Is that it?
Tom: They have to be here for more than that.
Mike: I'll find out. Hey guys?
[Fred re-enters, carrying a blue opaque plastic cup,
which he occasionally takes a sip from.]
Fred: Yeah?
Mike: So, are you guys up here to fight some sort of
injustice?
Tom: Say by taking up the cause of a goofball and a pair
of cute robots unjustly locked up on a satellite?
Fred: Nah. We were just thirsty.
[Silence.]
Crow: So, you came all the way up here for beer?
Fred: Free beer's free beer.
[Silence.]
Mike: Er? Can we get a song from you at least?
[Fred shakes his head.]
Fred: Sure. You got a hamburger filled with meal worms
that I can snack on?
Crow: Um, no.
Fred: How about some animated killer hot dogs?
Tom: Fresh out.
Fred: Bikini clad women spitting out bombs?
Mike: Nope.
Fred: Dude. I need my props.
Mike: Come on Mr. Durst. Hey! Pretend it's "Unplugged"!
Fred: Dude. They're on MTV2. That'd be slumming.
Crow: Hey, N'Synch played up here.
Fred: They did?
Mike: [whispering] Crow!
Crow: [whispering] Play along, Mike.
[Fred shrugs and puts down the cup.]
Fred: Well, if those pretty boys can play here, so can I.
Ladies!
[Music begins to play and the Fred Durst dancers enter
from off stage and begin to dance in time to the music.]
Fred: o/~ I came into the wor... o/~
Bandguy: [O.S.] Hey Fred! They're out of beer!
[Fred and da girls stop dancing.]
Fred: Oh. Gotta run guys.
Mike: Hey, can you at least drop us back home?
Fred: Can't. Got other stops to make.
[Fred exits.]
Fred: [O.S.] Hey guys, d'ya suppose they've got vodka
on the Mir?
Bandguy: [O.S.] Probably.
[The crew stares at the departing rock stars as the
lights begin to flash.]
Crow: Remind me to break all of our copies of their CDs.
Mike: I don't think we own any.
Crow: Well, then remind me to upload a bunch of
Metallica MP3s to Napster and tell Lars they did
it.
Tom: Oooh. Better.
Mike: We got Guerin sign, guys.
[Mike hits the lights and the door sequence begins.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .]
[The guys enter and sit.]
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Chapter 5: Executive Action
Tom: They're sending in Kurt Russell to end this? Cool!
Mike: Daria Morgendorffer *IS* Marrissa Picard *AS* Jack Ryan!
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Word of David's arrest soon reached Rage Against the Machine, who were
>in their hotel room.
Crow: They were trying to decide whether to Rage Against the
Coffeemaker, Rage Against the TV Remote, or Rage Against
the Clock-Radio.
> They were going to be here in Lawndale anyway,
>since they were going to play a concert at Lawndale Park on Saturday.
Crow: Lawndale! A place for light industrial development and
concerts for obscure bands!
Tom: Obscure?
Crow: Oh bite me.
>Trent was with them at the time when they saw the report on the TV.
>
Mike: For reasons best left to be unexplained.
Crow: [Zack] We should do something, man!
Tom: [Trent] Yeah, like change the channel. This is really
harshing my buzz.
>"David MacAllister," the reporter said, "who is hoping to make history
>by becoming the first Special Education student to be elected Student
>Government President at Lawndale High School,
Tom: Yeah, that'll make his name a memorial for all time.
> was accused of severely
>injuring a football player who was tormenting him by hitting him right
>where he had recently had surgery to remove his appendix."
>
Mike: [reporter] MacAllister reportedly used his ultrasenses and
fluid-like reflexes to determine just which one had the
unrevealed surgery.
Crow: [reporter] He was also listening to German heavy metal
and playing Quake before it happened.
>"What the motherfuck did they do that for?," Zack shouted.
Tom: He hit someone, and made him bleed. That good enough?
> "They
>railroaded him
Mike: [Zack] It's settled! We Rage Against Thomas the Tank Engine!
> just like they did to our brothers Leonard Peltier and
>Mumia Abu-Jamal."
>
Tom: Yeah, Special Ed students have it *so* much harder than
Native Americans and African-Americans!
>"This isn't good," Trent said. "We've got to do something."
>
Mike: [drummer] I'll climb up on a statue at an awards show!
That should bring attention to our cause!
>"I'm going to call the local chapter of the ACLU and see if they can
>help," Zack replied.
Crow: [Trent] Don't bother. They're all down at the courthouse
defending the rights for Neo-Nazis to burn down the ACLU
headquarters.
> "Meanwhile, Tom, you go and hit the streets.
Tom: Um, okay. Should I look for Huggy Bear while I'm at it?
> Tell
>the folks out there we're going to hold an impromptu concert at the
>local jail."
>
Mike: This should go over about as well as their attempt to perform
at the Stock Exchange.
Crow: Translation: Bring everyone over! We're gonna have a riot
at the local jail, and if you don't like it, well up yours!
>"Right," Tom said. He left.
>
Mike: Sit down, Tom.
Tom: But I didn't even move!
Mike: You were going to.
>"I don't know how Daria is taking this," Trent said. "But if I know
>her, she's not going to take this lying down."
Crow: Meanwhile...
Tom: *doodly-doodly-doodly*
Mike: [Daria] I think I'll just lie down.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>At the Lawndale City Jail, Daria, Jane and Helen were trying to get
>David free.
Tom: You can get David free, too! Just send three proofs of
purchase from "Peteguerin" brand Fanfiction, with $4.95
shipping and handling to "Free David", PO Box 5428,
Culver City, California!
> They were speaking to the warden.
>
Mike: [Daria] So it's agreed. In exchange for David, we'll give
you a carton of cigarettes and Quinn.
>"This case is very serious," the warden said.
Crow: [Warden] Sure, mass genocide, serial killing, rape,
and murder are all bad crimes, but this "assault"
thing is just uncalled for in our judicial system!
> "The person Mr.
>MacAllister assaulted was lucky to have the broken stitches repaired
>and is alive.
Tom: Good thing he wasn't planning to do anything strenuous, like
play football or commit ultraviolence.
Mike: Yeah, cuz you know how delicate those several-week old
appendectomy stitches can be.
> Normally in a case like this bail will be denied or set
>at a very high level."
>
Crow: [Warden] But since the author likes him, we're freeing him
and naming him Chief of Police!
>"We want David released on his own recognizance," Helen demanded. "I
>have some very influential friends on the Lawndale Bar Association who
>owe me quite a few favors, and they won't hesitate to help me in this
>matter."
>
Tom: Ah, threatening an officer. This keeps getting worse and worse.
Mike: Not in THAT sense, Tom.
>"This is out of my hands," the warden said. "I have to follow the
>guidelines set down by the state."
>
Crow: Which is?
Tom: Oh don't tell me you're THAT interested again? Sheesh,
you wanted to know which state the Simpsons live in!
Crow: I still can't accept Kentucky as the answer!
>Suddenly, one of the prison guards came in.
>
Mike: How frightening, a prison guard going to a jail...
Tom: Why is it always suddenly? Can't they just come in
eventually for once?
Crow: Suddenly, someone twitched! Suddenly, someone came in
to get bail for a buddy! Suddenly, someone's foot itched!
>"Sorry to bother you, Sir," the guard began, "but there seems to be a
>protest outside the jail."
>
Crow: [cop] They're marching in support of decreasing CO2 emission
levels. We're not quite sure why they're picketing us.
>Everyone ran out to the front.
Tom: And Daria finished first, with Jane, the warden, and
Helen following!
> There was a huge crowd, and they were
>all shouting "FREE DAVID! FREE DAVID! FREE DAVID!"
>
Mike: IN SPECIALLY MARKED BOXES OF FROSTED DARIA FLAKES!
Crow: Too bad they're there to support David Crosby.
>A makeshift stage had been set up.
Crow: In the middle of the street, blocking traffic.
Tom: That'll help their cause, all right.
> Suddenly, Rage Against the Machine
>appeared.
Mike: People appear more suddenly than in a lame action flick!
> They were dressed up like Holocaust victims;
Tom: Okay, now we've passed from silly to just plain offensive!
Crow: Next we'll be comparing this to the Rwandan genocide!
> on each of
>their shirts was a red letter "R",
Mike: Ah. Team Rocket is impersonating Rage as part of a cunning
plan to capture Pikachu.
> which stood for "Retart".
Crow: Or "Rutabaga". There's a lot of Vegans in the jail too.
> Trent was
>dressed up like Simon Legree and began to crack a whip.
>
Tom: He then proceeded to give the past the slip.
>"Move it, retarts!," Trent yelled.
>
Mike: Boy, everybody's really showing unexpected sides to their
character.
>"Kind or reminds you of when they showed up at Woodstock '94 naked
>with their mouths taped shut to protest music censorship, doesn't
>it?," Jane said to Daria.
>
Tom: Except for the little fact that they aren't at a concert,
and they aren't naked, and their mouths aren't taped shut,
and they're protesting something entirely different - well,
sure!
Mike: Still, without the tape over their mouths, they might
actually try and sing.
>Daria just stood there in silence.
>
Crow: Well heck, who wouldn't after looking at that?
>Zack now took the mike.
Mike: Then he added a dash of servo and a pinch of crow.
Tom: Then he mixed in the pearl and bobo, and added some
observer for flavor.
> "Good evening, everyone," he began, "we're
>Rage Against the Machine.
Crow: [Zack] HELLOOOOOOO DENVER!
Mike: [mumbles something]
Crow: [Zack] Um, I mean, HELLOOOOOOO LAWNDALE!
> We've set up this impromptu concert in
>protest of the jailing of David MacAllister, who's running for Student
>Government President at Lawndale High School.
Crow: [Zack] And because there are no other good causes this week.
Tom: [protester] He's a politician? Ah, screw this, I'm outta here!
> Some people don't want
>to run for office because he's a Special Education student.
Tom: What? The mere fact of his existence crushes the ambitions
of others?
Crow: Zack, I thought you were on his side!
> Well,
>guess what we have to say about that?"
>
Tom: That when they get back to civilization, their agent is a
dead man?
>The crowd began to shout the most famous line from their first his
>song, "Killing in the Name":
>
Crow: The crowd's hit song?
Mike: Well, doesn't a great work of art belong to all of us?
>"FUCK YOU! I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME! FUCK YOU! I WON'T DO WHAT YOU
>TELL ME! FUCK YOU! I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME! FUCK YOU! I WON'T DO
>WHAT YOU TELL ME!"
>
Mike: Poetic structure worthy of Dante's "Inferno".
Crow: Yes, but it loses something in translation.
Tom: Mike?
Mike: Yeah?
Tom: I never thought I'd ever say this, but right now, I terribly,
*terribly* miss Yerko and her Screeching Monk Time CD.
Mike: I hear ya.
>"Yeah, that's right, everyone!," Zack shot back. "David's been
>railroaded for a crime that's been blown way out of proportion.
Tom: After all, assaulting someone is common nowadays!
Mike: Besides, who cares if the guy's got a collapsed lung?
Crow: And part of the explosion, of course, is the band showing up.
> And
>we're going to jam here until he's released.
Crow: Oh no! Music! Now they'll HAVE to let David go!
> We're going to kick
>things off with 'Bulls on Parade'."
>
Tom: [Zack] Or as it's better known, "Fernando".
>Suddenly, the power chords that opened up "Bulls on Parade" ripped
>through the crowd.
Mike: Dozens were left wounded as the chords continued their
bloody rampage.
> The crowd began to pump their fists in the air in
>rhythm to the music.
Tom: Musical protests! Come for the music, stay for the issue!
> Zack then began to rap out the lyrics:
>
Crow: o/~ There was something in the air that night, the stars
were bright, Fernando! o/~
>"This microphone explodes, shattering tha molds/
Tom: Yes, it has extra cleaning power to cut through mold and
mildew.
> Ya either drop tha
>hits like de la O
Mike: De La Soul? What've *they* got to do with this?
> or get tha fuck off the commode/
Tom: Ah, at last, a song the whole family can sit around the
piano and sing along to.
Crow: Singing?
> With tha Sure Shot,
>sure to make the bodies drop!/Drop an' don't copy yo,/
Tom: Unless you have a million disclaimers!
> Don't call this
>a co-opt!/
Crow: It's been here for years!
Mike: Actually, they got a new copier down at the co-op.
Tom: Really?
Mike: Yep. Costs 20 cents a copy now. 15 cents if ya buy more'n
50 pounds of mulch.
> Terror rains drenchin,' quenching the thirst of the Power
>Dons/
Crow: No relation to the Power Steves.
Mike: So we could have avoided all this by offering them soft drinks?
Tom: Sad, really.
> That five-sided Fist-a-gon/
Mike: Oh, just get Norman Mailer and company to levitate it for you.
> Tha rotten sore on tha face of Mother
>Earth gets bigger/
Tom: Doesn't it ever use Oxy or Oil of Olay?
Crow: Yeah, after so many years in existence, I'm starting to see
some of its wrinkles from up here.
> Tha tirggers cold empty ya purse!/
Mike: Suddenly, I'm expecting the estate of A.A. Milne and the Walt
Disney Company to show up.
> Rally 'round tha
>family/With a pocket full of shells!/
Mike: The NRA theme, ladies and gentlemen!
Crow: Um, all I've got is a pocket full of posies.
Tom: The rosie's right over there...
> They rally 'round tha family/With
>a pocket full of shells!/
Tom: A pocket full of gas stations? All I've got is a pocket full
of rye.
Mike: I've got the four and twenty blackbirds.
Crow: I wondered what you needed all that pastry for.
> They rally 'round tha family/With a pocket
>full of shells!/
Mike: Look, Zack - if we could get to the seashore to buy them,
we would.
> They rally 'round tha family/With a pocket full of
>shells!"
>
Mike: Trust Rage Against the Machine for wholesome, old-
fashioned, Republican family values!
Tom: So apparently, the message of the last part of the song
is that we should rally round the family with a pocket
full of shells.
Mike: Let's not jump to conclusions.
Crow: Hrmph. "Testify" would have been a better choice.
>Helen finally said, "Well, whoever they are, they sure mobilized the
>kids in protest of this grave miscarriage of justice!"
>
Mike: Suddenly, the Ramones show up and everyone is mobilized
to protest Vince Lombardi High.
>The warden stood there, terrified at the crowd's fury.
Tom: [Warden] Oh no, a semi-popular rock band! Quick,
empty the cells!
Mike: Terrified? Please. They probably have an emergency
protest kit just in case.
> Suddenly, the
>coach of the football team arrived,
Tom: Suddenly. Again.
> dragging the player who had been
>hit in the abdomen. He was holding up what looked like a flesh-colored
>vinyl sack with ketchup all over it.
>
Mike: Oh my, it wasn't an attempt to murder! It was an attempt to
ruin someone's lunch!
Crow: *gasp* I heard the death penalty was invoked in some states
on that.
>"Everyone, if I could have your attention, please!," the coach said.
Tom: Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?
>"It seems one of my ex-players faked his injury so he could get Mr.
>MacAllister in deep trouble.
Tom: [snickering, then mocking] Oh my, ketchup stains! Now
they'll never get out! Officers, arrest that man!
Mike: Say, wouldn't the coach have known whether one of his
players was stitched up or not?
Crow: Maybe it's a big team.
> I have here a flesh-colored vinyl sack
Tom: Nice of him to repeat the description for those in the story.
>that he was wearing that was filled with ketchup.
Tom: Just in case you've forgotten in the last half-paragraph.
Crow: Yeah, I once saw a blood transfusion with Type T Ketchup.
> Apparently they
>managed to rig this up at industrial arts class. The player in
>question did not have surgery recently.
[All laugh.]
Crow: Fellas, if I ever even get a splinter in Lawndale, promise me
you'll take me to a community where the first aid teams have
even a half an ounce of a clue!!!
> We only found out about this
>when we got to the emergency room and the doctors prepped him up for
>surgery.
Mike: And the player was just LETTING them do it?
Tom: And nobody can tell the difference between blood and
ketchup?
Crow: I hate to see what would happen if they DID go on with it.
> I think that was a rather mean thing to do."
>
Tom: So was attacking in a blind rage, but let's forget
about that itty bitty detail for a second.
Mike: Yeah, God forbid the football team be considered mean.
>The warden stood there, speechless.
>
Crow: [warden] Thank God I'm only in this scene.
>The crowd began their chant of "FREE DAVID!" again.
>
Tom: He's not free, but at these prices? It's the next best thing!
>"Well, Mr. Warden," Helen said, "since my client is innocent, I think
>you should release him."
>
Mike: [Warden] Gee, you think? I was just getting to that part!
>The warden motioned to one of the guards to release David.
>
>"Young man," the coach turned to the perfectly healthy former player,
>"You owe Mr. MacAllister an apology for what you did!"
>
Tom: Being assaulted was one thing, but this whole "playing
victim" thing was just what took the cake!
>"I'll never kowtow to that retart!," the ex-player said.
>
Crow: Well, would he agree to a genuflection?
>"If you don't, I'll ask Ms. Li to suspend you," the coach warned.
>
Mike: He'll be forced to take the lead role in the drama club's
production of "Peter Pan"!
>David was brought out. The crowd roared in celebration.
Tom: [David] Thank you! As your new President, I will pursue
a policy of more protests and music for all!
> David now
>walked down the stairs and passed the former football player. The
>player suddenly spat on him.
Mike: Bill Romanowski!
Crow: I see he's been studying "Great Expectorations".
> David went berserk. Daria and Jane had to
>restrain him.
>
Mike: [David] Lemme at him! I'm gonna pound his fist with my face!
>"David, please!," Daria said. "There's been enough trouble already!
>Let's just go home!"
>
Crow: [Daria] We'll fine him for spitting later.
>They now left without further incident. The crowd began to disperse.
>
Tom: That was when the riot police arrived!
Crow: Just like their local counterparts, they arrive in the nick
of too late.
>"Thanks a lot, Zack," Trent said. "You guys sure made a difference."
>
Crow: Not as much as the coach did, but a minimal difference
nonetheless.
>"No problem, Trent," Zack replied. "The battle, however, is far from
>over."
Mike: The Battle in Lawndale... hmm, doesn't have the same ring.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>The next day, after school, there was an emergency meeting of the
>Fashion Club,
Tom: Tonight's emergency issue: Cargo pants.
> which was also now doubling as the Committee to Elect
>Sandi.
Crow: Not to mention the Skeet Ulrich Fan Club.
> The meeting was being held at Sandi's house. Linda, Sandi's
>mother, entered the living room, where the girls were hanging out.
>
Mike: Those new monkey bars Linda had installed sure come in handy.
>"I've got to run, ladies," Linda said. "I've got to meet a client.
Tom: [Linda] It might be vital to the plot, orrrr not, I don't
know. Buh-bye!
>Sandi, make sure your brothers keep out of trouble."
>
Tom: [Linda] I gave them some lighters to play with, so they
shouldn't cause you any problems.
>"Yes, Mother," Sandi said. Linda left the house.
>
>"Like, anyway," Sandi said, "we've got to do something about the
>'David Problem.'
Crow: o/~ How you solve a problem like the re-tart? o/~
> Every tactic we've been using has fallen flat on its
>face."
>
Mike: Run a good campaign? Hello?
>"Like, what's the big deal?," Quinn said. "He doesn't stand a chance
>of winning."
>
[Silence]
Mike: Dear lord. Quinn actually made sense!
Tom: Something is very wrong here.
Crow: There's a whole lot of things wrong here.
>"Like, get your head out of the clouds, Quinn," Sandi shot back.
Mike: [Quinn] But the Philadelphia cream cheese!
Tom: [Sandi] NOW, Quinn!
> "With
>your cousin Daria being his campaign manager and all that, and given
>last night's fiasco to frame him for assault, we're taking a beating.
Crow: Oh, if only it were *really* true.
>Have you seen the latest issue of the 'Lawndale Lowdown'?
Mike: The one with the "Voted Worst Town in America And Proud
Of It!" on the cover?
> That David
>retart now has a 45% approval rating compared to 25% for me. This is
>bad news."
>
Tom: And that's with a plus or minus 25% margin of error!
>"Opinion polls aren't everything," Quinn said. "It's the polls at
>Election Day that count."
>
Tom: Or who's on the Supreme Court at the time.
Mike: Tom. It's over. Move on with your life.
Tom: Not until they admit that Nader won. Blasted right-wing
media conspiracy...
>"Anyway," Tiffany said, "you told me yesterday that Daria threatened
>you."
>
Crow: [Quinn] Yes, her awesome intelligence and refusal to
conform makes me uneasy.
>Quinn was afraid they would get to that part. She swallowed hard and
>began to speak:
>
Tom: But eventually broke down and babbled on and on about
baseball and getting a bat.
>"Well, it was a couple of nights ago, after we got back from Highland.
>Daria apparently found out from some guy who was there at the time
>about our speaking to Todd.
Crow: [Quinn] I think he sold propane... or was it propane
accessories? One or the other.
> She confronted me with that.
Tom: [Quinn] And my Morrisey album collection... oops!
> Then she
>assaulted me, and called all of us 'bitches' and 'self-centered,
>lousy, stuck-up motherfucking cunts'!"
>
Mike: [Quinn] Then she started saying *really* bad stuff about us!
>Sandi began to see red when Quinn said that.
>
Tom: Ole?
Crow: Which is really bad, because it didn't match anything she was
wearing.
>"HOW DARE SHE CALL US THAT!," she finally screamed. "NO ONE CALLS US
>THAT AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!"
>
Crow: I swear I will not rest...
Mike: Enough, please.
>"I don't think I'm a bad person," Stacy said.
Tom: [Stacy] Just stupid, is all!
> "So I sat next to her
>and Jane Lane on the Ferris wheel at the medieval fair
Tom: [snickering] They were riding a medieval Ferris Wheel?!
Mike: It was a much more exciting ride, back when they were made
of thatch and tar!
> and probably
>driven them crazy when I was crying over that boy who dumped me, but I
>don't deserve being called a bitch over that!"
>
Crow: Because after all, trying to find sympathy means you're a
bi-atch.
>"Like, Quinn, she's your cousin," Sandi said. "Take care of her."
>
Tom: [Quinn] But then I'll get blood all over my shirt! Blood
doesn't go with anything!
>"Like, how?," Quinn said.
>
Crow: [Sandi] Like, get her a glass of water and read her a bedtime
story.
>"If you don't," Sandi said, "then we'll find someone who will. Maybe
>Todd."
>
Mike: [Quinn] I said 'how', not 'why'!
>Suddenly, Quinn remembered what Daria had said to her.
>
Mike: [Quinn] Mom and Dad went to the store! Ohmigawd! It all
makes sense now!
>"Uh, I don't know if that's such a good idea," she finally spat out.
>
Tom: She's intimidated by her sister! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~
>"You're not becoming a Benedict Arnold on us, are you, Quinn?," Sandi
>snapped at her.
>
Crow: [Quinn] Are you calling me a pig?
>"Well, I , er, uh," Quinn hesitated. "I've got to go. I just
>remembered I have to write an essay for English."
>
Tom: [Quinn] On, uh, how not to get beaten up by betrayed
friends. By Shakespeare. Or something.
>Quinn shot out the front door like a frightened rabbit. Suddenly,
>Sandi's two obnoxious brothers came in, fighting.
>
>"He started it!," said the older of the two.
>
>"No, he did!," said the other.
>
Mike: Are they arguing over who started the fanfic?
>"Like, I'm going to have to call this meeting over," Sandi said.
>"Family crisis!"
>
Tom: [Sandi] Time to get the cattle-prod.
Mike: Yeah, I heard 40% of family breakups start after a "He
started it" argument.
>Stacy and Tiffany left. Sandi then grabbed the two brothers and said,
>"Knock it off!" She then klonked their heads together. They then ran
>out of sight.
>
Mike: This scene brought to you by the Three Stooges Preservation
Society. Support your local knuckleknob!
Tom: The Sandi family political dynasty's off to a crashing
good start!
>Suddenly, the doorbell rang.
Crow: Sudden enough for ya?
> Sandi opened it. It was Daria.
Mike: Gee, and I was expecting James Coburn.
> She wasn't
>in her usual outfit.
Tom: And I should be shocked?
Crow: She wasn't wearing anything!
Tom: I'm still not shocked.
Crow: Oh.
> She was wearing a Rage Against the Machine T-
>shirt and blue jeans, along with her combat boots.
>
>"I'm on to you, Sandi," Daria sneered.
>
Crow: [Dudley Do-Right] Unhand that snob, Daria Whip-Lash!
>"I don't know what you're talking about," Sandi shot back.
>
Tom: Well, at least this is in character for Sandi.
Mike: Are they shooting back blanks or what?
>"You're the one behind the big conspiracy to prevent David MacAllister
>from running for Student Government President," replied Daria.
Tom: [Daria] I'm contacting Oliver Stone!
Crow: Well, she is the one running against him.
> "I'm
>not going to allow you to get away with this."
>
>"You have no proof," Sandi yelled.
>
Mike: Ow, watch the ears! She's right in front of you, you know.
>"I do to," Daria said.
Crow: She does to what?
Tom: Or - to *who*!?
Mike: Whom.
Tom: Whatever.
> "Mack overheard your meeting where you and the
>others decided to go see Todd. I got Quinn to confess to that much.
Mike: Confidentiality? Who needs it!
>And I bet you also set up yesterday's incident with the so-called
>'seriously injured' football player."
>
Crow: [Daria] Now admit it before I go wild with rage and do
something uncharacteristic again.
Mike: At least he didn't explain how she set it up.
>"Maybe I did, maybe I didn't," Sandi said. "Besides, nerds like you
>and retarts like David should be kept out of Student Government. Hell,
>you should be kept out of the gene pool."
>
Crow: Well, what if she wore a bathing cap. Would that help?
>For Daria, this was too much.
Mike: For Mike Nelson, it was already too much.
> She got mad, then punched Sandi across
>the face.
Tom: There was no crotch to kick, so...
> She bolted into the room, and they were rolling on the
>floor, trading punches.
>
Tom: Suddenly it's a WWF Crossover story.
Mike: Can ya smell what the Daria's cookin'?!?
>"You self-centered, lousy, stuck-up motherfucking cunt!," Daria
>yelled,
Tom: [Sandi] Yes, I think Quinn passed on that message already,
but thanks anyway.
> then held Sandi down while she punched her numerous times in
>her abdomen.
>
Crow: No! What if she has surgical stitches down there?
Tom: Geez! Quentin Tarantino's movies aren't *this* profane
and violent!
>"Now I know why you're just Quinn's cousin; you're a freak of
>nature!," Sandi screamed.
>
Mike: Sticks and stones may break her bones, but she's still
using names?
>"For your information," Daria yelled back, "I'm her sister!"
>
>"WHAT! YOU'RE LYING!," Sandi shrieked.
>
Tom: [Sandi] Okay, I give in. I knew there was something
up, but hey, you're a liar anyway. Fight?
Mike: [Daria] Join me, and we can rule the galaxy as...
uh... lemme get back to you on that one.
>Her brothers had now entered the room again.
>
Mike: Hmm, I wonder what non-fight they got in this time.
>"Sandi, what's going on?," the younger of the two said.
>
Tom: Well, there's another girl on top of her, beating her up...
>"None of your business!," Sandi said. "Get the fuck out of here!"
>
Mike: Why don't you just bonk your heads together? It ended that
other fight.
>They ran out of the room.
Crow: Rather than, say, helping their sister with the deranged
woman beating her to a pulp.
> Daria sent Sandi crashing to the floor with
>a right hook.
Tom: I'm amazed you two can restrain your enthusiasm for this
stunning encapsulation of the Daria experience.
Mike: It's tough, but we're managing.
> She then began to kick her real good. Her combat boots
>served for this purpose very good.
>
Crow: I may retch awfully good.
Tom: Your massive, pin-like beak should serve for that purpose
pretty good.
Mike: Yep, nothing like a good kicking with some Doc Martins
boots! Now in more sizes than ever!
>When she was done, Sandi was rolling around in her own blood.
>
Tom: Boy. Good to know we can root for the side of right in this.
Crow: Ah. She's just blading.
>"Now you know how it feels for David when people do that to him!,"
>Daria screamed.
Mike: Daria, ever heard of the "legal system"? One of these
laws tell you not to beat up people! Now, follow me on
this one...
> "Leave him the fuck alone, or I swear to God
Crow: The guy who throws chariots in the fire and everything!
> I'll do
>far worse than this to you!"
Mike: ... oh, and this threatening thing? Also a no-no.
Tom: [Daria] I'll come back and force you to watch "Titan A.E."!
Crow: [Sandi] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! YOU FIEND!
> She got out of the house, slamming the
>door behind her.
>
Tom: Then she ran down to Mexico and changed her name. The end.
>Sandi got up on her knees, put her hands up to her face, and began
>crying.
Crow: Daria Morgendorffer! Political activist, local goon!
> Her two brothers came back in.
>
>"Sandi, what happened?," asked the younger of the two.
>
Crow: I mean, so many things can leave someone rolling around
in their own blood.
Tom: And how are we supposed to know that isn't just ketchup?
>"GET OUT!," she screamed. They ran out. She now got to the phone.
>
>"Hello?," said a voice on the other end.
>
Tom: [Sandi] Hello, operator? Get me my agent. I didn't sign
on this show to get beaten up or become a bloody prejudicial
person!
>"Todd, we've got a big problem," Sandi said, "and you're the only one
>who can fix it."
Mike: Nice of Todd to have stayed on the line for days on end,
don't you think?
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Quinn would normally go straight home from meetings of the Fashion
>Club. But now her conscience was bothering her.
Crow: Damn animated cricket!
> She was wandering the
>streets of Lawndale. She didn't notice when her feet took her to
>Howard Drive.
Tom: Once there, her feet dumped her and took off for parts unknown.
> Soon enough, however, she found a white mailbox with the
>name "Lane" written in big black capital letters.
Tom: [Quinn] Hey, I thought this was a Drive! What gives?
Mike: Now it all makes sense! She's going to get Mills Lane to
resolve this!
> It was 111 Howard
>Drive, the Lane residence.
Crow: That's for those of you who missed the discreet clues. Why
not reread the paragraph and see if you can spot them?
> Quinn had been here only once before:
Mike: Here it comes, another reference.
Crow: "Nobody cares." -- Crow "Bite me" T. Robot
> it
>was when Daria and Jodie were checking out that prep school and Quinn
>had been kicked out of every house she was staying over at:
Mike: The crack house, the White House, the House of the Rising Sun...
> Sandi's,
>Tiffany's and Stacy's. Jane took her in as a last resort.
Tom: A last resort to what?
Mike: I don't think he was talking about Jane, Tom.
> She had to
>tell someone about what was going on, even if it was someone as
>unpopular and uncool as Jane.
Crow: So the words PO-LICE and LAW-YER mean nothing?
Tom: Well, why should they? After all, the police are incompetent,
and the lawyers are busy having a field day with Ms. Li.
> She went to the doorbell and rang it.
>The door was answered by a tall, willowy woman
Tom: [perking up] The funk goddess of the universe?
> with long black hair,
Tom: [slinking down] Oh. Shoot.
>wearing an artist's apron over what looked like a long, gray, smock-
>like dress worn by female hippies in the 1960's.
Mike: Quinn's stepped into an episode of "Dharma & Greg".
> It was none other
>than Amanda Lane, Jane's mother.
>
>"Mrs. Lane, I don't think you know me, but I was here once before,"
>Quinn began.
Mike: [Amanda] So were salesman, charity workers, and Girl
Scouts, so what's your point?
> "I'm Quinn Morgendorffer, Daria's sister.
Tom: Cousin.
Mike: It's too late now, Servo.
> Your daughter
>Jane took me in when I needed some place to stay when Daria and Jodie
>Landon were visiting that prep school some time back."
>
Mike: [Quinn] You remember?
Crow: [Amanda] No, but I just read it a few sentences ago.
>"Of course I remember you," Amanda said. "Jane told me all about you.
Crow: [Amanda] You're the one supporting that Sandi bitch, right?
Mike: [Quinn] I'm doomed.
>Come in, please. I'll let Jane know you're here." She went up the
>stairs to get Jane.
>
>Suddenly, the door opened, and a rather prim, proper man in a gray
>flannel suit and tie stepped in He had short, black hair and a
>mustache.
>
Tom: First a 60's hippie, now a 70's sportscaster!
Crow: Kids, your parents before you were born!
>"Hello there, young lady," the man said to Quinn;
Mike: "Do you want some candy?"
> "I'm Darren Lane.
Tom: They replaced him mid-season with Dick York.
>And who might you be?"
>
>"I'm Quinn Morgendorffer, Daria's sister," she replied. She was
>shocked at his appearance. He was the only one who wasn't wearing
>grungy clothes in this house.
>
Mike: He was going to, but everything he owned was either
cleaned or pressed or both.
Tom: But she only met two people...
Crow: Geez, Servo, how big a population sample do you need to
render judgment?!?
>"I guess you're surprised to see me," he said.
Tom: I mean, who'd be surprised seeing a DAD in a
household?
> "Well, I guess most
>folks are when they first see me, because of the way the rest of the
>family dresses and acts.
Crow: [Darren] I'm sort of the white sheep of the family.
> I'm an insurance actuary myself.
Mike: [Darren] Oh dear. You've fallen asleep. People always
do that when I begin talking about insurance.
> Between that
>and my wife's pottery, we make a pretty decent living.
Mike: [Darren] I insure pottery, then the kids sneak out and break
it and the wife sells them replacements! I tell ya, it's a
sweet deal!
> Anyway, my
>daughter Jane told me about you after you were here for a while when
>your sister Daria and Jodie Landon were visiting that prep school."
>
[All sigh.]
Crow: It's like a VCR that rewinds itself, whether you want it to
or not.
Mike: So Daria and Jodie visited a prep school once?
Tom: Yes, Mike, I think they did.
>"I hope all the feedback was positive," Quinn said, rather nervously.
>
Tom: For more feedback on Quinn, e-mail her at qu...@fashionclub.com!
Mike: I never knew Quinn was into automatic control systems.
>Amanda, Jane and Trent came down the stairs.
>
Mike: [Quinn] I just wanted to talk to Jane, not the whole
flippin' family! Argh!
Tom: [Jane] Run into some mass serial puppy kickers again?
[Normal] Now *that's* how you do a reference!
>"Well, well, well," Jane said, "isn't this a surprise!
Crow: Yes, folks, only in a Guerin fanfic can you get big
juicy surprises!
> The last time
>you were here, you had been kicked out of every house of every member
>of the Fashion Club, and you came crawling to me.
Mike: [Quinn] Oh shut up with the references to that episode and
just LISTEN! PLEASE!
> Now are you finally
>going to have that wild keg party you were planning to have, or what?"
>
Crow: OKAY, WE GET THE FREAKING POINT! SHE STAYED AT JANE'S HOUSE
WHEN DARIA AND JODIE WENT TO A PREP SCHOOL! WANT TO RAM IT
DOWN OUR THROATS ANYMORE, MR. WAYANS?!
>"Mystik Spiral will be happy to provide the musical entertainment, on
>the house, of course," Trent said with a knowing wink of his eye.
>
Crow: [Quinn] You want an empty keg party, don't you? ... Er, I
mean, SHUT UP!
>"It's nothing like that," Quinn shot back.
Mike: What are they shooting with, Chinese peashooters?
> "In fact, I would
>appreciate it if I spoke to Jane alone, everyone!"
>
Mike: [Trent] Go ahead. Just pretend we're not here.
Tom: [Amanda] Don't mind us a bit. Just ignore us and our
miniature tape recorders.
Crow: [Darren] Go on and talk about that time you stayed
the night here while Jodie and Daria went to that
prep school.
>"Suit yourself, Quinn," Trent said. "But I'm pretty sure Janey will
>tell all, especially Daria."
>
Mike: [Quinn] True, but at least Jane'll add some parts to the
end of the thing.
Crow: [Jane] ...and that's what happened. Purple monkey
dishwasher.
>"What a jerk brother you have, Jane!," Quinn said.
Tom: [Jane] Well, you have a jerk sister! No wait...
> "I don't know what
>Daria sees in him?"
>
Crow: It's the goatee. Chicks dig the goatee.
>"Hey, don't call my brother a jerk!," said Jane defensively. "And,
>besides, his relationship with Daria isn't any of your business."
>
Mike: [Jane] Though it IS your sister and my brother... ick,
I just thought about us being sisters-in-law. EWWWWW!
>Jane motioned to the stairs, and she and Quinn went up to Jane's room.
>
Tom: [Quinn] By the way, do you have a PS2?
>"This should prove to be very interesting," Trent said.
>
Crow: Or turn out to be another boring conversation! Either way,
Trent wants in!
>"I take it you're going to put your ear to the wall and listen in on
>them, aren't you?," Darren said.
>
Mike: [Trent] Huh? Oh, yes. Actually, I initially thought of
disguising myself as a cleaning lady and coming in while
they're talking, but the door thing is cool!
>"Of course," Trent said. "Why would I let Daria down and not know
>what's going on with her bratty sister?"
>
Crow: Because you respect people's privacy?
>Darren and Amanda both chuckled over that remark.
Tom: Ah, yes, it *is* fun disrespecting people's privacy, isn't it?
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>"OK," Jane began, "tell me what's up; keep it brief and to the
>point."
[All snicker.]
Mike: Tell a politician to do the same thing, and get the
same results... none.
>Jane picked up her brush and began to do another painting.
>
Crow: [Jane] Hmm, I think I'll paint a portrait of Mick Jagger today.
>Quinn couldn't notice two rather unflattering pictures of her; one was
>a painting of her in a guillotine,
Tom: [Quinn] I don't recall being in the French Revolution.
> while the other was a pencil sketch
>of her with a bullet hole in her head and the smiley face on her shirt
>frowning.
>
Tom: How comfortable. This certainly helps us with Jane's sympathy
factor.
Mike: I think those were rejected alter-egos from the credits.
>"Uh, why do I have the feeling that you really hate my guts?," Quinn
>said nervously.
>
Tom: [Jane] Nah, I painted those with some cheery pastels.
>"What makes you say that?," Jane replied.
>
>"Uh, it's some of your art that brings that question to mind,"
>answered Quinn.
>
Crow: [Quinn] Plus, you've got "QUINN MUST DIE HORRIBLY" scrawled
across your walls in - what is that, cow blood?
>"Perish the thought," Jane said. "They're rather symbolic of how I
>feel about humanity in general."
Crow: [Quinn, nervously] Heh heh, that's nice. I gotta go, just
remembered there's a sale at Dingo Junction!
> Jane knew she was lying through her
>teeth, but right now Quinn needed someone to talk to, she reasoned.
>
Tom: Yep! Let the person you hate unburden her soul on you. Who
knows; you might even grow to understand them!
>"Are you one of those nihilists?," Quinn said suddenly.
>
Mike: [Jane] No, I'm one of those *other* nihilists. Sorry.
>"Quinn, will you stop being so bleak about your outlook of me?," Jane
>shot back.
>
Crow: [Jane] Just because I painted you on honeymoon with O.J.
doesn't mean I hate your guts!
>"OK, OK," Quinn said. "Anyway, I just left an emergency meeting of the
>Fashion Club and I'm kind of disturbed over some of what was said."
>
Tom: [Quinn] I mean, *bellbottoms*?!? What are they thinking?
>"Go on," Jane said; "this should be interesting."
>
Crow: "Interesting" in the sense of "mind-numbingly banal".
Mike: Jane knew she was lying through her teeth, but she needed
to move the plot quickly, she reasoned.
>"Well," Quinn continued, "I think they want to do something rather
>horrible to David MacAllister; you know, the Special Education student
>who's running for Student Government President , as well as Daria."
>
Mike: [Jane] Do I LOOK dumb to you? I'm WORKING for his campaign!
Crow: They're going to put them on Chains of Love!
>Jane dropped her brush with an audible "THUD!"
>
Crow: It's an art brush! Wouldn't it make more of a "plink"?
Tom: Maybe she straps lead weights to it, or something?
Mike: Well, sure! When she has to put more effort into it,
her art becomes more noble.
>"What do you mean by that?," Jane said sharply.
>
>"I don't know, but it sounded like they want to assassinate David and
>beat up Daria,"
Tom: [Quinn] Or maybe they wanted to assimilate David and beef
up Daria. Sandi mumbles a lot.
> Quinn said, suddenly finding herself sounding
>hysterical. "Oh, Jane, I didn't mean for this to go this far! I don't
>want to see either David or Daria get hurt!
Mike: Just humiliated.
Tom: Though everything else that happened was okay?
Crow: So when Quinn met Todd again, was she expecting something
else?
> We just wanted to spook
>them from running for Student Government President!
Crow: [Quinn] I tried to suggest we dress up in sheets but Sandi
said they'd mess up her hair!
> I didn't mean for
>it to go as far as murder!" The tears were beginning to flow down her
>face.
Mike: [Quinn] I'm too young to be involved in assassination
attempts!
> "Jane," she continued, "you've got to believe me! You've just
>got to believe me!"
Tom: [Jane] Oh, sorry, I can't believe you. I mean, a murder
attempt in a fanfic? Pah-lease.
> She was now crying hysterically.
>
Tom: Crying hysterically? That's like giggling while
crying, right?
Crow: She's gonna wet herself if she keeps that up.
>There was a knock on Jane's door.
>
Mike: Apparently, her Star Trek doorbell was busted.
>"What is it?," Jane said.
>
Crow: [muffled] Candygram.
>The door opened. Daria and Trent stepped in.
>
>"Janey," Trent began, "I tried to delay this as long as I could, but
>Daria insisted on speaking to you."
>
Crow: [Jane] Thanks for delaying, Trent. You can take the ball gag
out of her mouth now, though.
Tom: [Daria] I feel like punching someone senseless again!
>"Jane, what's Quinn doing here?," Daria said.
>
Mike: Oh, like you don't know, Miss "I'll come in whenever I
feel like, so up yours!"
>"Quinn just told me some interesting things about the Fashion Club's
>emergency meeting today," Jane said.
>
Crow: [Jane] Did you know Stacy was wearing yellow eye-liner
with pink lipstick?
Mike: [Quinn] HEY! I wanted to talk to YOU, not my kooky sister!
>"Funny," Daria replied, "I went straight to Sandi's house after school
>and confronted her myself. I beat the crap out of her."
>
Crow: [Daria] And you know what? It felt NEAT!
Tom: [Daria] I came over to say bye. Richard Kimball's giving me
a ride out of town.
>"WHAT!," Quinn shouted, raising her head out of her hands. "Why'd you
>do that for, Daria?"
>
Crow: We've been asking ourselves that, too. There are no easy
answers.
>"By the way, Quinn," Daria said, "I straightened Sandi out as to our
>exact relationship between us.
Mike: Main character-supporting character. How hard is that?
> I'm pretty sure after she patches
>herself up. you'll be kicked out of the Fashion Club for having a
>nerdy sister!"
>
Crow: [Daria] There, I made your life a living hell. Enjoy!
Mike: And with her plan of destruction complete, she disappears
in a puff of smoke and brimstone.
>"Oh, Daria, I hate you!," Quinn screamed. "Hate! Hate! DEEP HATRED!"
[The trio shudders.]
Tom: Is anyone else having Dr. F. flashbacks?
Mike: I am.
Crow: [Trace] Me too.
[Mike and Tom turn to look at Crow.]
Crow: [normal] What?
>She lunged for her, but Daria stepped out of the way, causing Quinn to
>bump her head against the wall.
Tom: [sighing] You humans, always with your unsuccessful comedy
relief. Why even bother?
Crow: I don't know. There's something almost inspirational about the
way they just keep trying.
> Quinn gave Daria the finger,
Crow: [Quinn] Here, I'm done with it. You can use it for a while.
> screamed
>at her, and stormed out of the house.
>
Mike: So much for Quinn being consoled.
Tom: Something tells me there is a strong anti-Quinn slant to
this fanfic...
>"So," Daria said in her usually calm, deadpan manner,
Mike: Which, for *this* story, is almost a miracle.
> "what exactly
>did Quinn say to you?"
>
Crow: Tonight on the world of Guerin-ism! How to make your
protagonist as unsympathetic to the readers as possible!
Tom: [Daria] Is this a beat-up person I see before me?
>"Something about the Fashion Club was plotting to have Todd
>assassinate David and have you beaten up," Jane replied.
>
Tom: [Jane] And snicker-snagging on Zack.
>Daria stood there in shock.
>
Tom: Finally, someone thought to go turn off the breaker.
>"Don't worry, ladies," Trent said. "Leave it up to me.
Mike: All the more reason to worry.
> Todd won't lay
>a finger on either David or Daria."
>
Mike: [Trent] Suge Night owes me a favor, too.
Tom: [Daria] That's nice. What about blades or bullets?
Mike: [Trent] In that case, it's out of my league. Sorry!
>"And how exactly are you going to accomplish that?," Daria asked.
>
Mike: [Trent] Just like Daria solves her problem! She beats them
up rather violently. Violence begets violence.
Crow: Funny how in "Misery Sushi", Daria was preaching against it.
Tom: She SHATTERED a frozen criminal!
Crow: Oh, must we dwell on the past?
Tom: We ARE in the past!
>"Rage Against the Machine will help me on this," Trent replied. "They
>know a few people who can help."
>
Crow: People like Jane Goodall!
Mike: Colin Firth!
Tom: Clive Cusssler!
Crow: Herman's Hermits!
Mike: Oksana Baiul!
Tom: Allison Janney of TV's "The West Wing"!
>"I hope so," Daria said. "Right now, things have really taken a
>sinister turn."
>
Mike: [Daria] My brutal assault was entirely justified. But
how dare she escalate to *murder!*
>With that, Trent went to the phone in Jane's room and dialed the hotel
>room where Rage Against the Machine was staying.
>
>"Yeah, Zack?," Trent said.
Tom: Sorry, this is the receptionist. May I help you?
Crow: Psst, Trent. The phone's not plugged in...
> "It's Trent again. I think we're going to
>need some more help from you guys."
Mike: A nice concert should soothe everyone's jangled nerves!
Crow: [Trent] How soon can you get another gross of Vietcong flags?
Tom: [Trent] I see your pretty face smashed on the bathroom floor.
I wonder what he meant by that?
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Todd had never really been to Lawndale before.
Mike: Neither has 99% of the world's population.
> He tried to beat the
>information out of Beavis and Butt-Head, who had went to the big
>football game between Highland and Lawndale last year, but those two
>gave rather half-assed directions.
Tom: And this surprised him?!
Crow: I wouldn't trust those two to tell me what aisle the Beanie-
Weanies were on at Krogers.
> He finally got them from a map.
Mike: This Todd guy's amazingly resourceful.
Tom: What do you expect? He's evil.
> He
>got together some area thugs and were now descending on the
>MacAllister residence.
Crow: Looks like KellyThugs made a shrewd move opening that Lawndale
branch.
> Todd pounded on the front door. It was opened
>by Warren.
>
>"Can I help you, Sir?," Warren said.
>
Crow: [Todd] As a matter of fact, I have a bad back today,
and... HEY!
>"We want to speak to your son, David," Todd shouted back.
>
Crow: [Todd] We want to *sign* his petition!
>"I'm sorry," Warren said, "but he's doing his homework."
>
Crow: These characters must be awfully tall, because otherwise
their dialogue wouldn't be so stilted.
>Todd forced the door open and stormed in, with the thugs following
>him.
>
Mike: [Todd] I REALLY have to talk to him about his homework! Guys!
Get me some note paper!
>"Tie him and his wife up!," Todd said. Two of the thugs grabbed Warren
>and tied him to a chair in the living room. Two others did the same to
>Deanna in the kitchen, where she was preparing dinner.
>
Tom: [Thug] Hey, Boss, they're having spaghetti bake for dinner!
Can we stay?
>Todd and the rest went up to David's room. David saw who it was and
>cringed.
>
Crow: Does David know Todd too? How does he recognize him?
>"We've got a message for you from Sandi and the Fashion Club, you
>retart!," Todd said as three of the thugs now descended on David,
>brandishing chains, steel rods and wooden boards.
Tom: I dunno, it's not much of a fashion statement.
> They began to beat
>him up.
>
Mike: Aren't they supposed to assassinate him?
Tom: Well, they never said WHEN...
>"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!," David screamed as the thugs beat him up.
>
Mike: Well, that makes sense. I'll give him that one.
Crow: Yeah, it just wouldn't work if he'd yelled
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!" or "MAAAAAAAAAYBEEEEEEEEEEE!"
>"This should teach you a lesson to drop out of the race for Student
>Government President," yelled Todd. "We don't want retarts like you in
>Student Government!"
>
Tom: But - but he's not a student. He doesn't even *live*
there!
Crow: And I still fail to see how this is assassinating
him.
Mike: I think Todd's gotten his directives all screwed
up.
>Suddenly, there were four loud noises from downstairs:
>
>"THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD!"
>
Crow: Yep, four noises!
Tom: But is somebody saying "thud" four noises, or just one?
>Todd raced down the stairs and saw that four of the thugs were out
>stone cold on the floor.
Crow: [Todd] Oh no, Steven Seagal is here!
> Standing over them were a group of "Straight-
>Edgers",
Mike: They've been smacked by rulers?
> who were teens who took a militant stand against drug abuse.
Tom: Nice friends. Signing militant groups to help the good guys...
Crow: You'd think so, would you?
>They were dressed in the usual grungy clothing and had the mark of the
>black "X" on their hands indicating their status as "Straight-Edgers".
Mike: Or the cast of Marvel's newest mutant spinoff book.
Tom: Okay, time out! Foul! Now he's just deus ex machinating all
over the place!
>Right behind them were Daria, Jane, Trent and Rage Against the
>Machine.
>
Crow: Behind *them* were other people! Like Julius Schwartz!
Mike: Kathy Ireland!
Tom: Roger Ebert!
Crow: British PM Tony Blair!
Mike: LL Cool J!
Tom: Your XFL Champion Los Angeles Extreme!
>The leader of the Lawndale Straight-Edgers, a young man named Corey,
>spoke up. He was bald and wearing an olive green shirt and black knee-
>length baggy pants.
>
[The bots snicker.]
Crow: I guess the non-threatening boys magazine market isn't what it
used to be.
Mike: Hey! It's one of the Moby Youth Corp!
>"If I were you," Corey said in a calm, deliberate manner, "I'd leave
>here and forget that you were ever in Lawndale!"
>
Tom: Ah, so that's how Lawndale stays off the map!
>"I'd take his advice, man!," Zack added.
>
Crow: [Zack] I still count for something here! Uh, and the
band too!
>"You're defending this retart, aren't you!," Todd said.
Mike: One thing you can say about Todd - he's quick on the
uptake.
> He then
>noticed Daria. "Well, if it isn't Daria Morgendorffer!," he continued.
Tom: [Todd] So, how's the spin-off treating you? Good? Oh, I
hate MTV's scheduling too.
>"I knew that somehow you were going to be mixed up in this! Maybe the
>first time didn't straighten you out!"
>
Crow: [Todd] I should've used my ruler!
>Daria felt a shiver down her spine.
>
Tom: [Daria] Hmm, maybe this outfit is too short. Shall I
describe it to you?
Crow: Uhhh, no thanks.
>"Don't worry, Daria," Trent said, putting his arm around her back. "He
>can't do anything to you as long as I'm here."
>
Mike: Why? Does Trent have a magic force field or something?
Tom: [Daria] My 98 pounds of hunky slacker will protect me!
>The other three thugs now came down the stairs.
>
>"GET THEM!," Todd screamed.
>
Tom: "EX-TERMIN-ATE! EX-TERMIN-ATE! DE-STROY! DE-STROY!"
>The thugs ran right for them, but the Straight-Edgers were faster, and
>began to pummel the tar out of them.
Mike: [coughing, waving hand] Sorry! The fumes are starting to
get to me.
Crow: Thug violence! Bringing the night to a perfect close!
Uh, it's night, right?
> Todd could see that his strategy
>was backfiring,
Mike: What strategy? "Get them" isn't a strategy.
Crow: Guerin-ism #211: In battles, the only command is 'fight'
or 'run'.
> and proceeded to run for the back door. Jane was
>faster, however, and tackled him. Todd slapped her across the face.
>
Crow: Come on, Todd! You can do better than that! You fight like
a sissy.
Tom: A Finnish Sissi?
Crow: No, it's sissy... oy.
>"Get off of me, you bitch!," Todd yelled.
>
>Corey got up to him and kicked him in the head.
>
Mike: Corey has mastered the art of Tai-Kwan Leap.
>"Don't call her a bitch, you asshole!," he said.
>
Tom: Don't call him an asshole, you twit!
Mike: Don't call him a twit, you ne'er-do-well!
Crow: Don't call him a ne'er-do-well, you p'takh!
>Todd punched him and bolted for the front door.
Crow: Tragically, Corey's gimpy ankles have let him down once more.
> He grabbed Daria and
>ran for his car.
>
Crow: What, is Daria some sort of inanimate object? Fight
back, damn you!
Tom: Hey, where's bodyguard Trent?
Mike: Probably hiding in the bushes about now.
>"Let her go!," yelled a voice from behind the bushes.
All: Gasp!
Tom: Karl Rove! And he's brought the President and First Lady
with him!
> Suddenly, a
>whole bunch of Straight-Edgers came out from behind the bushes and
>dragged Todd down.
Mike: Damn, these guys are like roaches!
> Daria squirmed out of the pile of humanity and ran.
Tom: Oh, the pile of humanity!
>The Straight-Edgers began to beat up on Todd.
>
Crow: The funny question is, why would militants against drug-abuse
be involved in this?
Mike: Zack probably told them Todd was a long-time marijuana
producer.
Tom: Oh please, Mike, don't make this into a typical action flick!
>The four thugs who were beaten got up and now ran, as did the other
>three.
Crow: Hey, come back here and fight like a sissy! Bawk bawk
bawk bawk bawk!
> They got to the van that they used to get to Lawndale. One of
>the thugs managed to beat off the Straight-Edgers and grabbed Todd,
>kicking and screaming, and dragged him to the van.
Mike: Todd, he's trying to *save* you.
Tom: Give him a break, okay? It's been a tense couple of minutes
for him.
> They drove off into
>the night.
>
>"Free the two who are tied up, then check on David!," Corey said to
>two of his lieutenants.
>
Mike: Captain Corey of the Starship Vigilante!
Tom: [Corey] Maybe we should've came in BEFORE the thugs
came in... nah!
>"We owe you big time for this," Daria said to Corey.
>
Crow: [Corey] That's okay, just as long as you don't use
drugs... or WHAM!
>"We're just lucky that your friend Trent and Rage Against the Machine
>knew where to find us," Corey said.
Tom: Yes, it was so incredibly fortunate that *Trent* just
happened to know where to find people who beat up drug
users.
Crow: *Abusers,* Tom. *Abusers.*
> "Since we more or less dispense a
>vigilante style of justice, we keep our whereabouts pretty secret.
Mike: [Corey] Now, to the Edgerz-Cave!
> The
>police kind of look down on our methods."
>
Crow: You're in *Lawndale*! By the time the police notice, the
statute of limitations would be over!
>Everyone now went inside. Warren and Deanna were now free.
>
Mike: And everyone was now happy.
Crow: And now I'm gonna puke!
>"Is David all right?," Warren asked.
>
Tom: [Daria] ... Oh, right! Him! I forgot what we were
here for!
>With one accord they ran to his room.
Mike: Boy, Hondas really *can* seat more!
> David was balled up in a fetal
>position on the floor, crying.
>
Crow: No bruises, no cuts, no anything? Some thugs!
>"It's OK now, David," Daria said as she kneeled next to him and
>embraced him. "Todd and the others are gone."
>
Mike: [Daria] He and his Bighead Monsters have all left.
>"Why me? Why me?," David sobbed. "Maybe they're right. I should drop
>out. I'm just causing trouble."
>
Tom: [David] Maybe I should just bring this to the attention
of the media and get equal rights through that instead
of taking a long time to run for President! Wait a
minute! That's a boring plot!
Mike: And the current one isn't?
>"You'll do no such thing," Daria said straight in the face.
Mike: And not just any face.
Crow: Hey, maybe somebody in the band's finally getting
attention!
> "We've
>gone too far as it is.
Tom: [bitterly] No comment.
> We're not going to give up and let them win
>like this!"
>
Tom: [Daria] Not until you're dead and I can sell the film
rights to Oliver Stone!
>"David," Corey said, "if those morons threaten us again, we'll give
>them more of the same."
>
Crow: Thug violence! The sure-fire way to cure your political
problems!
>"We're going to call the ACLU tomorrow morning and see about getting
>some legal action started against them for violating you civil
>rights," Zack added.
Mike: [Zack] Or we could call the cops and get some protection
for you. Nah. I'm sure the lawyers will scare the thugs off.
> "This is they type of tactics that only groups
>like the Gestapo and people who are afraid of change resort to when
>they know they're on the losing side of the battle."
>
Tom: Or when they're winning and aren't afraid of the
consequences.
Crow: Again with the Nazis... it's like Voyager and the Borg. You
can't get enough without a Borg episode!
>"Of course, now we know that the Fashion Club is behind this," Daria
>said.
Tom: NOW you know? You've KNOWN since day ONE! How much PROOF do
you flippin' NEED before you KNOW?
> "And I'm pretty sure that when Sandi hears about this, Quinn's
>going to take the fall."
Mike: Maybe she'll be lucky and just take the Nestea plunge.
Crow: Thus making Quinn suffer more. Real sympathy there, Daria!
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Daria didn't know just how prophetic her words were going to be.
Mike: If she had, she'd have moved to the desert and started
eating locusts and honey.
> After
>Todd called Sandi and told her about the botched attempt to scare
>David out of the race,
Tom: Well, that oughta get Todd his pay! Uh, what IS his pay, anyway?
> she called for another emergency meeting of the
>Fashion Club, even though it was now past 9:00 PM on a school night.
Mike: Oh dear, they're not gonna get ANY sleep tonight!
Crow: I think it's well past Sandi's bedtime!
>When they all got there, the meeting was being held at Sandi's room.
Tom: The living room was used at the moment, as the little
brothers were fighting on their PS2.
>Sandi shot a furious look at Quinn.
>
Crow: [Quinn] Hey, watch it! You could put an eye out!
Mike: Quinn dodged and countered with a smug look!
>"Like, this was all your doing, wasn't it, Quinn?," Sandi shouted.
>
>"Why look at me?," Quinn shouted back.
>
Crow: Why does everyone yell, shoot back, or scream? Why can't
they talk like civilized people?
>"You probably turned chicken and ratted on someone about what we were
>going to do," Sandi shot back.
>
Tom: [Quinn] Eew, Sandi! You know I hate chicken!
>"I did not," Quinn said, knowing that she was lying through her teeth.
>
Mike: [Sandi] May I remind you that you are under the oath of
the Fashion Club!
Crow: [Quinn] Oh, right. *ahem* Like, I did not DO such a thing,
okay? Chill.
>"Oh, by the way, Quinn," Sandi added, "your cousin Daria stopped by
>here today after our first meeting and beat the shit out of me.
Mike: [Quinn] That would explain the several scars and bruises
you have there.
Crow: [Sandi] It took me one scene to completely heal it!
That's slow, even by Guerin standards.
> Do you
>know what she said when she was doing that?"
>
Mike: She started singing "Singing in the Rain"?
>"What?," said a now hysterical Quinn
>
Tom: [Sandi] That Jif *does* taste more like fresh roasted
peanuts! What do you say to *that*?!?
>"She told me that she is actually your sister!," Sandi said.
>
Crow: [Quinn] Oh, and I suppose you would believe it if she
told you that she was your father.
Tom: [Sandi] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
>"She's lying!," Quinn said.
>
Crow: [Quinn] Did she also say something about me unleashing
a Fashion Club coup on you? She's lying there too.
>"Oh," shot back Sandi sarcastically," then tell me why, when after I
>spoke to Todd, that I called Brittany Taylor's obnoxious kid brother--
Mike: Heck, every sitcom has to have one.
>who knows a lot about computers--
Tom: Just because he finished "Black & White" doesn't make him
a genius.
> and have him check the state's vital
>statistics database, and he came up with these printouts?"
>
Crow: Because you're a paranoid, domineering, unlovable shrew?
>Sandi handed Quinn two pieces of paper. They were copies of her and
>Daria's birth certificates, both clearly indicating that their parents
>were Jake and Helen Morgendorffer.
>
Tom: [Quinn] Would you believe there was another Helen
Morgendorffer?
Crow: [Sandi] Of the same name? Sisters?
Tom: [Quinn] Yes!
Crow: [Sandi] ... okay.
>"Well, er, um," Quinn said.
>
Tom: [Quinn] I was adopted! My real parents were killed
in the Hindenburg crash!
>"Quinn Morgendorffer, you committed two very unpardonable offenses
>against the Fashion Club," Sandi said.
Crow: She showed a shred of decency and refused to regurgitate
her meals.
> "First, you lied as to the
>exact relationship with Daria Morgendorffer,
Mike: [Quinn] But I did not tell a lie! *I* chopped down that...
oh wait...
> then you betrayed us to
>her!
Tom: Do you have printouts proving THAT too?
> I hereby move, as President of the Fashion Club, that you be
>stripped of your title as Vice-President and kicked out of the club!"
Crow: [Sandi] And that I'll assume the role of absolute dictator
of the Fashion Club. BOW DOWN BEFORE ME!
>
>"I second it!," Tiffany said.
>
>"All those in favor, say 'Aye!'," Sandi said. She, Tiffany and Stacy
>shouted "Aye!"
>
>"All opposed, say 'No!'"
>
Mike: [nasal voice] Nay.
Crow: Who keeps saying that?
>"NO!," shouted Quinn.
>
>"You have no right to vote on this matter," Sandi said, "so your vote
>doesn't count.
Tom: But she was outvoted anyway! Why?
> There are three votes in favor and none opposed. The
>motion is carried. Quinn Morgendorffer, you are hereby stripped of
>your position as Vice-President of the Fashion Club and are hereby
>also expelled from this club. Give me your membership card."
>
Crow: There's four of them! Why do they need membership cards?
Tom: It's all for Tiffany really. She needs to check hers to
remind herself of her name.
>Quinn didn't want to; "Never!," she shouted.
>
Mike: [Quinn] I'll never surrender my 20% discount at Applebee's!
>"Tiffany," Sandi shouted, "grab Quinn's wallet and get her membership
>card."
>
Crow: [Sandi] And any money that's in it, just for kicks. I'm
strapped these days.
>Tiffany got up to Quinn, who decided to bolt for the door.
Tom: Um, I don't understand Quinn's reasoning. She's banned
in any case. Keeping the card doesn't do anything.
Besides, it's just, what, three other people?
> However,
>Tiffany got to her first, shoved her down to the floor, held her down
>and grabbed her wallet.
Mike: Which was oddly enough in Quinn's hand the whole time... what?
Tom: [Tiffany] Hey, you have a "My Little Pony" wallet too!
> She took out her Fashion Club card and gave it
>to Sandi. She then ripped the card to pieces. Quinn saw it and cried.
>
Crow: [Quinn] You bastards... that was my Subway Club card! Now
I'll never get that free sub with a drink!
>Sandi then went up to Quinn and ripped her smiley face T-shirt in
>half,
Tom: Quinn, shouldn't you think about taking those tearaway
T-shirts out of your closet?
> then slapped her across the face.
>
Crow: Well, it's finally happened.
Mike: What?
Crow: My scorn for this story has just turned to open contempt.
Mike: Okay.
Crow: I hope you guys don't think any less of me.
Tom: Heck no! You held out longer than *we* did.
Mike: Yeah. Glad you could finally join us.
>"GET OUT, AND DON'T YOU DARE EVER COME BACK HERE AGAIN!," Sandi said.
>Quinn ran out of the room, crying.
>
Tom: [Sandi] BESIDES, MY ROOM IS A PIG'S STY! NO ONE SHOULD
EVER SET FOOT IN MY ROOM FOR THEIR OWN SAKE!
>"I hereby nominate Stacy to be the new Vice-President of the Fashion
>Club," Sandi said. There were no objections.
>
Mike: From the... two people?
>"Since there are no objections and no other candidates," Sandi said,
>"I hereby declare Stacy elected to the post. Congratulations, Stacy!"
>
>"Thanks, Sandi," Stacy said.
>
Mike: [Stacy] Do I get the Vice-Presidential parking and everything?
>"Good-bye and good riddance to Quinn!,"
Tom: Damn, that stupid apocalypse's been postponed again!
Mike: Finding some opposition with some backbone is hard to
get nowadays at the Fashion Club.
> Sandi then said. "I hated her
>for being cuter than me and getting all the boys' attention, anyway."
Tom: [Sandi] Whoops! Did I say that out loud? Ah well, screw it.
Now I will crush all my other political foes! Bwahahahahaha!
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Quinn was running down the street, crying.
Crow: Yep, sure not making anyone pay attention to her. No sir.
> She couldn't bring herself
>to go home, since she would have to face Daria.
Mike: And the accusing stares of her Beanie Babies.
Tom: What new form of senseless Daria violence awaits us?
Tune in later!
> She couldn't go to
>Jane's place either; that would be totally humiliating. She felt she
>had no place to go.
Tom: Let's see, teenage girl, sobbing openly, with a torn shirt,
running down the street late at night. Nope. No reason it
should attract any undue attention.
> She collapsed into a nearby phone booth and cried.
>
Mike: Clark Kent will have to save the world another day, just
because some kid is crying in the booth!
>Suddenly, there was a rap on the door of the phone booth.
Crow: Queen Latifah just doesn't know when to stop, does she?
> Quinn looked
>up. To her surprise, it was David.
>
Mike: David E. Kelly? What's he doing here?
Crow: Usually he just prowls the streets of New York.
>"NO! KEEP AWAY FROM ME!," Quinn shrieked.
>
Tom: [Quinn] Your stiff anti-jock policies are too much to bear!
>"Quinn, please," David said. "Come with me. You can spend the night
>with my folks if you want."
>
Crow: [Quinn] But they're married.
Mike: [David] I don't mean it that way! Yuck.
>"Why should I do that after my friends and I plotted against you?,"
>Quinn sobbed.
>
Tom: [David] I just like rubbing it in.
>"Daria told me about how you told Jane about the earlier meeting,"
>David said. "Luckily, Daria and Trent were able to figure out that
>something was up and decided to pay a visit to me. I'm glad they did.
Mike: Then Batman used his giant supercomputer to figure out where
you were.
>Please, stay with us. We'll tell your parents where you are, and you
>and I can speak to Daria and Jane at school tomorrow.
Tom: [David] And humiliate you even more. Ha! Whoops, let it out
a bit...
> Please? Do it
>for me."
Crow: [David] Do it for your long-time... no wait... short-time...
no... acquaintance!
Tom: [Quinn] Oh, everything is about YOU, isn't it?
> He extended his hand out to Quinn. She was a bit hesitant at
>first, but then took it and got up.
Mike: [David] Oh, did I mention my other disability? I'm actually
a living Lego! I want my arm back.
> They went to his parents' car and
>drove off.
Crow: And there, on the handle - WAS A HOOK!!!!
Tom: Let's drive on out of here ourselves.
[They exit the theater.]
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