(Mistied) : Star Trek: Damage: Part I
Suzanne Schroeder
Hi! I'm finishing up on the rest of it, so I'll go ahead and post
what I have finished. I invite all comments good and bad to be
emailed my way.
Enjoy!
_____________
Suzanne Schroeder
_________________________________________________
(1..2...3..4..5..6)
(Synthesized trumpet blares)
Tom and Crow: (singing) When you can riff a film/ You've got a
job my friend.../S-O-L Academy will teach you all you need to
knoooooow...
Mike: (Steps forward. Has flat expression and nasal southern
accent): Hi. I'm Billy Mike Earl and drive big sattelites like
the professionals do. Thanks to SOL Academy, I had my license
within two weeks. Call today.
Tom and Crow: (singing) Call 1-800-991-89 bite me. You're life
ends right here! We have commercial sign!!
************
(Mentos®!) (sing the song in your head if you have to)
Bill Clinton is walking along with Al Gore.
Bill trips on wrinkle in carpet, falls on the button, and turns Russia
into a mushroom
cloud.
He sits down dejected.
Wait! He has Mentos®!
He pops one in his mouth and smiles.
Newt Gingrich runs in to see what the problem is.
Press runs in from other door.
Bill starts pointing at Newt. (HE DID IT!)
Press attacks Newt. Al Gore folds his arms and
smiles (Oh, that wacky president. I think I'll keep him)
Bill smiles back and shows his Mentos®! The Fresh Maker!
*******************
Crow: Geez, I hate local commercials.
Mike: Never mind, Lois and Bess Price are calling!
(Deep 13)
Dr. F: Well, Apple Dumpling, Let us savor this moment before we
gently kill you with this week's invention exchange.
Frank: Hey, haven't I left the show already?
Dr.F: The Steve Urkel Booth, Frank........ Well, Jennie Jones,
this is two-for-the-price-of-one day down here at Deep 13. Frank
and I have our own seperate inventions.
Frank: I'll go first. I was looking at all the posting in RATM
about Canada and realized that there are no decent cookbooks for
Canadian Food. I've taken the liberty of compiling all my
favorite, or favourite, recipes. Here we have Canadian Cheese
Soup made with real Beaver milk, maple leaf croissants, maple syrup
and maple leaf Baklava, Sasquatch sauté, and , of course, Canadian
Bacon. I don't know about you, but my tummy is saying "MMMM..."
Dr. F: Ah, just like my crazy aunt used to make..... Here, I have
a new army helmet. People complain about the things being made out
of metal, so I've constructed it out of a new material that is both
light weight and stronger than iron: Ann Richard's hair.
Unfortunately, it takes a long time to gather the materials, so
Ann's hair fetches a nice price on the black market.
(SOL)
MIke: Uh, interesting. Anyway, we've taken the notion of corn
remover for feet, and applied it to people. Do you know a corny
person that needs help? We at SOL enterprises have developed Dr.
Skoal's corn remover. Apply it to the offending person twice
daily and see results in as early as two days. Results vary on
corniness of person to begin with. They applied it to the entire
cast of "Full House" and the show has already been cancelled.
Crow: Now, _that's_results!
(Deep 13)
Dr. F: Oh very nice. Anyway, I've dug up a little piece of pain
from the Star Trek Fandom. There is no mention of Kirk, or anyone
for that matter, but we're sending you the first two chapters of
"Damage" which is a fitting title. Send them the fanfic, Frank.
Frank: Yes, O Ginchy one.
(SOL)
All: We HAVE FANFIC SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(6..5..4..3..2..1..)
>Message-ID: 134303Z...@anon.penet.fi>
>Path: geraldo.cc.utexas.edu!cs.utexas.edu!news.sprintlink.net!EU.net
Crow: Wow! Geraldo is attending the University of Texas! How
come I didn't know about this?
> !news.eunet.fi!anon.penet.fi
>Newsgroups: alt.sex.fetish.startrek,alt.startrek.creative,mtl.general
>From: an16...@anon.penet.fi (Palindrome)
>X-Anonymously-
Mike: The X Files are involved! I knew it! The aliens who
abducted Mulder's sister did this also.
>To: alt.sex.fetish.startrek,alt.startrek.creative,mtl.general
>Organization: Anonymous contact service
Tom: After all, you wouldn't want to know who you're contacting.
You might actually have to see them.
>Reply-To: an16...@anon.penet.fi
Crow: Oh, yeah? Well, reply *this*
>Date: Thu, 13 Apr 1995 13:33:15 UTC
Crow: A date that will live in infamy.
>Subject: ST:TNG--Damage, re-formatted, 1/4
Tom: Hey! Anyway you format damage, it is still damage.
>Lines: 584
>Xref: geraldo.cc.utexas.edu alt.sex.fetish.startrek:6310
>alt.startrek.creative:17977
Mike: Today on Geraldo: Fetishism in fanfic writing, and the
fingers that like to type it.
>=09=09=09=09=09Damage
Tom: =09 is damage?
>=09=09=09=09=09=09Palindrome.
>=09=09=09=09=09=09.emordnilaP
>Chapter One
Crow: (singing) This is the beginning....the beginning.....the
beginning of our story........
> A Hansom clattered toward the guard booth after dawn. The
>privat=
>e
Mike: So, privat is equal to E?
Tom: This totally destroys Einsteins theories.
>on duty
>had a cardboard sign he couldn't read tacked to his
>liftgate. It was =
>a
Crow: Oh, man I didn't know I was going to have a working
knowledge of trig to read this.
>fancy word that meant the base stunk with a plague.
Crow: and its a good thing this wasn't filmed, or they would have
had to make up a name for it.
Mike: I will have the Salmonella de l'orange.
>Half the lads were coug=hing and swollen.
Tom: They've got the turn your head and cough concept all wrong.
>This was why he'd kept volunteering for every damned duty th=
>at took him
>=66rom the base, running errands, delivering trucks, even
>toadying fo= r the
Crow: So, this is supposed to be the new and improved
reformatting?
Mike: For science geeks everywhere, this is the director's cut.
>colonel's entourage,
Crow: It's hard work keeping up with eleven herbs and spices.
>just so he didn't get sick himself. He couldn't =
>keep this pace forever: fatigue pursued him.
Tom: Fatigue was yelling : Hey! Wait up! I'm not finished
talking about my stamp collection!
>He'd even committed the sin of fal=ling asleep
>on guard duty, a whipping offense,
Crow: So, that was why he enjoyed getting in trouble.
Mike: What a good OFFENSE it was, also..
>when before dawn he'd watched a st=ar fall his >eyes lowered until
they closed.
Tom: Interesting. He'd watch a st equal ar fall his eyes lowered.
> The cab driver nodded at him and slowed.
> The private straightened when he poked his head toward the windo=
>w. The
Mike: Apparently the privat=e was a psychic friend since he had his
eyes closed.
>occupant was a woman. She twisted slightly as though her dress was
>to= o tight. She spoke like a man.
Mike: Oh, my God! They just described my Aunt!
>The guard was a Maritimer and asked her to repe=
>at herself,
Tom: Herself, herself, herself, herself, herself.....
>as his ear was unattuned to her American accent.
Crow: But it wouldn't be long before America would flood his
country with their crappy films and ending the mystique of a
foreign accent........
>Finally, he directed=the driver
Mike: and the private in a moving rendition Tchichoksky's Swan
Lake.
>toward the administration building. He span a wheel so its yellow
>qua= rter was
>raised, signalling the duty officer to watch for
>visitors.
Crow: and to refrain from feeding them if they approached their
car.
> This was to be the final staging area before shipping to
>Europe.=
> Thirty
>thousand boys and men were expected to roll through here
Tom: Stop, Drop, and Roll.
>between fall= and
>spring. All of those who had come through here
>on their way to the Me=
>diterranean since July had fallen sick.
Crow: What the hell does any of this have to do with Star Trek???
Mike: Well, there's a deadly disease, so I guess that qulifies.
> The visitor waited for the chief medical officer in his
>office = where she pretended not to be slightly horrified by his
tools.
Tom: She also had to keep from laughing at their size...
>Gasaeous anaesth=etic
Mike: I guess this is Julius Caesar's personal doctor.....
>had been invented only several decades before and come into common
>use wi=thin this doctor's lifetime.
Crow: It was only later that they began to use it on the patients.
Tom: We've gotta go.
Mike: No argument here....