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MiSTed: "You Are Owed MONEY!" plus "The Return of Joel"

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Roland Warner

unread,

May 15, 1997, 3:00:00 AM5/15/97

*...1...2...3...4...5...6

Joel: Hello everybody, and welcome to the Satellite of Love, I'm Joel
Robinson.

<Enter, Mike>

Mike: Hey, who're you?

Joel: I'm Joel Robinson, and who're you?

Mike: I'm Mike Nelson.

Joel: What're you doing here?

Mike: Taking your place at watching these bad movies every day!
Where've you been?

Joel: I've been watching those bad movies!

Mike: Well then, you've got another thing coming, Crow! Tom! Gypsy!

Joel: I created them, they come when I call them!

Crow: Hey Mike, it seems you've just met our newest companion, Joel
Robinson 2.

Mike: Joel Robinson 2?

Joel: Joel *2*?

Tom: Yeah, Joel 2. He's designed to look just like the original,
lovable, huggable Joel that created us!

Joel: I AM the original Joel!

Mike: Where did you get him?

Gypsy: I'd better explain this, guys. Um, well, you'd better see for
yourself, Cambot, give me Rocket #9.

Gypsy: The entire planet is filled with Joel look-alikes.

Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in 30 seconds.

Joel: Jeez, well fine then, don't say hi!

Crow: Anyway, this entire planet is filled with Joels, and one of them
came aboard the SOL this morning and made us this wonderful breakfast
and did a good job cleaning up the place.

Tom: You know, I wonder where he'd be if his bosses hadn't shot him
into space?

Mike: But . . .

Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 5 seconds.

Mike: We'll be right back.

Mike: Can someone explain to me why this planet is filled with Joels?

Joel: Maybe I can. You see, when I landed on earth, <You can all read
about it in 3000: A Space Odyssey> And then, with nothing to do, I went
about my normal business until NASA picked me to go fly in space. I
told them no, then they knocked me out, next thing I know, I'm shot into
space again. To this day, I still have no recollection of why they sent
me out there. Anyway, they sent along with me, a crew of monkeys and
none could pilot the ship. So I ended up crashing into this planet and
wandered around with nothing to do, so I took apart the rocket and built
a replicator, and duplicated myself. Now, there's a planet of me.

Crow: Ummmm, okay then.

Mike: Uh-oh, Ms. Forrester's calling.

Joel: Who's Ms. Forrester?

Ms. Forrester: Oh God, it's like a sale at Goodwill! He's everywhere!
Bobo you idiot, why'd you have to stop here to go to the bathroom?

Bobo: Sorry, Lawgiver, but I *HAD* to go!

Observer: I find this earth creature to be extremely intelligent and
very interesting

Ms. Forrester: Well, what do you know? You carry your brain around!
Oh, Mike Nelster . . . <points to Joel> . . . hey, what's he doing
there?

<SOL>

Joel: Who's she?

Mike: She's Dr. Forrester's mother.

Joel: Where's Dr. Forrester?

Mike: Um, it's kind of a long story.

Crow: More like a long time.

Ms. Forrester: Hey, Brain Guy, get him off there and back here!

<SOL>

Tom: No!

Crow: Don't do it!

Mike: How DID he get here?

Joel: Um, it's kind of interesting, how I got here. I . . .

Gypsy: He's gone again, guys.

Ms. Forrester: Well, Nelster, your Posting today is something about
lost Assets. I don't know, you might be able to find a use for it.
Send them the Posting, Brain guy.

<SOL>

All: Ahhhhhh! We've got Usenet Sign!

Crow: Joooooooooel!

6...5...4...3...2...1...*

>From: 8717...@savetrees.com

Crow: Save a tree, eat a beaver!

>Date: 5/11/97 3:13PM
>Subject: You Are Owed MONEY!

Mike: Hmmmm, well, there was that poker game . . .

>Address: To: 8717...@savetrees.com

Tom: Didn't we already go through this?

>Did you know you are probably owed money?

Mike: Have you ever heard of 'Loan sharks'?

>NINE OUT OF TEN people are owed money they didn't know they had!

Crow: One out of Ten people is Extremely rich!

>There is over 400 BILLION dollars in unclaimed money in the United States!

Tom: Strange enough, most of that is the Federal Debt
Mike: The rest is Bill Gates'.

>This money is held by the government and other national depositories across
>the country.

All: They're everywhere! They're everywhere!

> This money is waiting for you to claim it and 9 out of 10 of
>you are owed some of this money!

Crow: In the news today, One out of Ten people was savagely mugged
today.

>Personal Funds Recovery, Inc. wants to help you locate and recover your
>money.

Tom: Watch people start getting mail, "Hello, have you seen this
money?"

> WE WILL CONDUCT A FREE SEARCH TO FIND YOUR MONEY!

Mike: But no word on ever giving it back.

>You may have heard about abandoned assets on a talk show

Tom: Police are hunting the Deadbeat Owners of these assets for Asset
Support.

> or news
>program, or read about it in a newspaper or magazine article. Oprah Winfrey
>devoted an entire program to abandoned assets.

Crow: Oprah, assets. Assets, Oprah

> Her purpose was to alert
>the public that every individual should check if they are owed money.

Mike: Unfortunately, Oprah turned out to be one of the One in Ten
people.

>Here are some quotes from major magazines:

Tom: "Long lost assets of Bill Clinton found!" - National Enquirer

>"In a nation as mobile as America, nearly 19% of us move in any year.

Crow: The rest are trying to understand the last half of that sentance.

> You
>should check out not only your current state

Tom: But your current city as well!

> but also all the others where
>you have owned property, transacted business or simply resided."

Mike: Who knows, you might find your child in the hands of Donald
Trump.

> - Money magazine

>"After notifying the treasurer's office that she was Ed's beneficiary,

Crow: The treasurer broke out in laughter and then wondered who Ed was.

>Leona got the shares and past dividends worth $23,000."

Tom: And then received $500,000 more dollars because the treasurer said
she had "nice assets"

> - Reader's Digest

>"Carter cheerfully submitted a copy of his driver's license and a Social
>Security Card along with some old bills to verify his address,

Mike: And then found out that his entire identity was then erased and
he became Bob Dole.

> and in
>December he received a check for $10,119."

Tom: To be paid a dollar a year.

> - Forbes magazine

>"Everybody's so skeptical.

Mike: Hmmm, I don't know about that statement . . .

> They're not accustomed to the state giving
>money away."

Crow: After all, what is the Federal Debt, but a string of numbers.

> Bob Austin, New York State Comptroller's Office

Tom: In other news today, Bob Austin was found savagely beaten today,
by FBI employees.

> - The New Yorker

>"The State of Florida was holding $218,840 that had belonged to his
>deceased father, and James was the rightful heir."

Crow: The money is now in the hands of Michael Eisner.

> - Changing Times

>Not everyone is owed tens of thousands of dollars.

Tom: Just those that have no reason to have money.

> Many people are simply
>owed a refund from a security deposit, a utility company, or the IRS; but
>the average amount of money owed to an individual is $2,200.00 so it is
>very important to check for your money! You could be owed thousands!

Crow: Mike, is that "Thousands of dollars" or "Thousands of what?"
Mike: Crow, why ask the impossible?

>Personal Funds Recovery searches hundreds of national depositories to
>help locate your abandoned assets.

Tom: If you abandoned your assets, then why would you want them back?

> Here are a few example of areas
>where you may have abandoned assets: dormant checking and savings
>accounts, forgotten stocks and bonds, IRA accounts, teacher retirement
>plans, railroad and union pensions, uncashed dividend checks, payroll
>checks, insurance policies, unused gift certificates, unclaimed security
>deposits, safety deposit boxes, pension funds, frequent flyer mileage,
>travelers checks, the Social Security Administration, United States
>Treasury, Internal Revenue Service, Federal Housing Administration,
>and many more.

Crow: Check the Gym Locker Room or the Lost and Found at the mall!

>Most of us don't think we have ever lost money, but how do we really
>know unless we check?

Mike: Well, if we check your wallet, we might know where our money went
to!

> Abandoned money is money you don't know
>about, and that is precisely why you must check! 90% of Americans
>have lost money and because the majority don't conduct a search, over
>400 billion dollars has accumulated in national depositories.

Tom: Once again, we're repeating ourselves!

> The average
>amount of money owed to an individual is approximately $2,200.00.
>
>FIND OUT ABOUT YOUR MONEY TODAY!

Crow: Dial our 900 number and see where your money goes.

>We want to build a relationship with you to help recover your abandoned
>assets.

Tom: Then, we will marry you for your assets.

> Personal Funds Recovery will not charge you any fees to conduct
>a search. Only after we have conducted a search and money has been
>found, will we then charge a small fee which is deducted from the money
>recovered. This fee is state-regulated and ranges from 5 - 15%.

Mike: Ah, here's that five cents I've been looking for!
Crow: <falsetto> Nope, with 5% discount, we get .025 cents.

>Even if you don't believe you have any abandoned assets, you owe it to
>yourself to check.

Tom: Then, you can become both the Nine out of Ten People and the One
out of Ten people at the same time!

> With 90% of Americans being owed an average amount
>of $2,200.00, it is definitely worth making the simple inquiry.

Crow: Try becoming a loan shark, then you can get your money, and have
some fun too.

>Join the growing number of Americans who are finally having their money
>returned to them. Call us today.

Mike: Watch their answering machine be loaded with prank phone calls
from across the US.

>You can also check on abandoned funds for your loved ones; such as a
>spouse, a relative or even a deceased relative.

Tom: Well, Late Old Aunt Edna did borrow that money for funeral
expenses . . .

>Please call to find out more and begin a search for your money today.

Crow: Monty Python and the Quest for the Abandoned Assets!

>CALL (664) 410-2225.

Mike: And be sure to ask for someone who cares.

>Yours truly,

Tom: Your Abandoned Assets.

> Personal Funds Recovery, Inc.

*...1...2...3...4...5...6

Joels: Hi guys!

Crow: Ack! What're they all doing here?

Joels: We're looking for lost Assets.

Mike: Well, you haven't got any assets here!

Tom: Say, how DO you all get up here?

Joels: Well, you see . . .

Crow: Argh! Where did they all go again?

Mike: Ms. Forrester, again.

Ms. Forrester: Have you gone yet, Bobo?

Bobo: <From within Port-a-Jon> Not yet, Lawgiver.

Ms. Forrester: Hurry up, you big ape. I don't want to wait here
another second. Hey, Brain Guy, have you gotten rid of them yet?

Observer: Well, I did, but then, it seemed boring around here, so I
brought them back.

Ms. Forrester: YOU DID WHAT??

Observer: I-I-I brought them b-b-back.

Ms. Forrester: Why I outta!

Observer: N-N-Now, violence will result in nothing.

Ms. Forrester: Not my violence!

Joels: Look! It's Dr. Forrester's mother!

Ms. Forrester: Uh-oh. Bobo, you done yet?

Bobo: Lawgiver, there's this fascinating roll of paper in here, look, I
turn it once, and paper comes out!

Ms. Forrester: Bobo, get out here, NOW!

Bobo: Okay then, I'm coming out now.

Ms. Forrester: Everybody to the van!

<Roll through credits>
-----

All characters are owned by Best Brains, and no infringement is
intended. All the jokes are mine though.

-----

>Please call to find out more and begin a search for your money today.

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