MSTed Galaxy Far Away 3 1/2

[Amy Ashton]

> * * *
>"It seems our friends have taken the initiative with the Imperials,"
>Cmdr Riker said over the din of the red alert klaxons. Troi looked at
>Riker, "I think they may know better than we do, who they are dealing
>with."

MIKE: [as Riker] Do I need you to state the obvious? I don't think so!

>She looked out into the shuttle bay as the _Millenium Falcon_
>swung around inside the huge bay. "That doesn't sound like you.
>You're usually willing to give everyone a chance," Riker was looking
>at her intently.

CROW: [as Riker] Like that guy back on Risa. I told you he was a
jerk, but did you listen? No! You *insisted* on giving him a chance?
What were we talking about again?

>"I talked with Luke Skywalker today. He is an
>incredibly powerful person.

TOM: [as Riker] And I'm not? You like him better than me, don't
you? Admit it! Come on, admit it!

>He can manipulate 'the Force,' the energy
>that surrounds all living things. His powers extend even to mind
>control, although he will not go that far..."

MIKE: [as Riker] Yadda yadda yadda, force that surrounds all
living things... yadda yadda yadda... mind control. Like I haven't
heard *that* before.

>"How do you know?"
>Riker challenged. Deanna looked at him as if she didn't believe what
>he had just said. "He could be manipulating your mind," Riker said.

TOM: [as Riker] And you could be manipulating my mind. AUGH!
CROW: Trust no one.
MIKE: Heck, at least he's admitting that they're trusting these
Rebel people a little blindly.
TOM: It's just too bad it had to be Riker.

>"I trust him, Will," she said effectively ending the argument. The
>_Falcon_ settled into place facing to the exit,

MIKE: [as Han] Good thing I didn't have to parallel park! They're
still rebuilding from the last time I tried that.

>for quick launch and
>was flanked on either side by the X-Wings. Captain Picard, Princess
>Leia, Data and Worf joined Riker and Troi on the observation balcony.
>The _Falcon_'s main hatchway opened and the X-Wing cockpits popped
>open.

TOM: Pop-o-matic pops the dice!

>"Our friends have arrived it appears. I have some bad news, I'm
>afraid. The Imperials have captured Chief O'Brien and Major Kira."
>Both Riker and Troi's faces went blank.

MIKE: Apparently, people in the future express deep emotion
by going into vapor lock.
CROW: But I thought Star Wars happened a long, long time
ago.
TOM: He's slow, but he's not very bright.
CROW: Huh?

> * * *
>"How're ya doin' back here Artoo?" Luke asked of his robot friend.

CROW: I was fine until you started shooting at things, idiot!

>A
>whistle of excitement told Luke that he was fine and that he was glad
>to be flying starfighters again. "Very funny, Artoo,"

TOM: I didn't think it was funny at all, just for the record.

>Luke jumped
>down to the deck. He walked over to the main hatchway. Han and Geordie
>came down followed by Lando and Chewbacca. "Did you see that shot,
>Luke?" Han pointed to Geordie.

MIKE: [as Luke] You *shot* Geordi?! Geez, that hardly seems fair...
oh, you mean the shot he made. Sorry.

>"Just like he'd been doing it
>forever." Wedge joined them as did the Captain and everyone else.

CROW: Evidently, the author got tired of listing everyone's movements.
TOM: I know I'm tired of reading about them.

>Worf handed Chewie, Han, Wedge and Lando their weapons. "You may
>be needing these. I'm afraid I have some bad news." Picard announced.

TOM: [as Picard] Deanna's pregnant, and one of you is the father. Now
start shooting, and may the best man win.
MIKE: If it's the Wookie, I feel very sorry for the child.

> * * *
>"We've done nothing!"

CROW: [as Col. Klink] I know nussingk!

>"Where are you taking us?"
>"Silence!" the Stormtrooper's voice came out of the speaker in his
>helmet.

ALL: Eeeeeeeeewww!

>Kira and O'Brien looked at each other and readjusted their
>hands in their bindings. They followed the two white armored troopers
>and glanced back at the other two troops.

CROW: [as Kira, whispering] Still there?
TOM: [as O'Brien, ditto] Yup. Right where they were ten seconds
ago.

>They were led to a prison
>block and locked in separate cells. The doors of their cells slammed
>shut and they were left alone.

TOM: [singing] No one is aloooooooooone...

>O'Brien tapped his communicator out of
>reflex. Kira's communicator beeped in the next cell. "Chief?" she
>tapped her communicator in surprise.

MIKE: [as Kira] Hey! This thing talks!

>"Major, it appears that their
>communication blocks, if they have any, aren't set for our
>frequencies. We should keep our communications down, though, or they
>might figure it out," O'Brien told Kira.

CROW: You think they'll call DS9?
TOM: Nah. That would advance the plot.

>Nearly a half an hour passed
>and Kira and O'Brien spent most of the time searching their cells for
>any sort of way to escape. Kira had just given up looking and sat down
>on the sleeping slab

MIKE: The Craftmatic Adjustable Sleeping Slab! For the comfort of
your prisoners.

>when the door hissed open. A huge black-armored
>figure strode accompanied by

TOM: ...the London Symphony Orchestra.

>two of the white armored troopers into
>the cell. The door slammed down behind them. Kira was taken aback for
>a moment. "Who the hell are you? Why have you taken us prisoner? We
>have done not..." Kira was cut off. "I will ask the questions, Major
>Kira,"

CROW: I control the horizontal. I control the vertical.

>the black figure spoke, his breathing was separate from his
>speech and his voice was impossibly deep and foreboding.

MIKE: [as James Earl Jones] That's not a gun, it's your finger.

>"You will
>tell me how your ship arrived here and where the rebel criminals are
>hiding." "I don't know what you're talking about! We were on a
>scientific research mission gathering data about this wormhole. We
>have not seen any criminals."

TOM: We're on a diplomatic mission!

>"You are lying!" He paused, the hiss of
>his mechanical breathing filled Kira's ears, "Perhaps we will find new
>ways to motivate you,"

MIKE: [as Vader] Tomorrow, you will read Stephen Covey's "The Seven
Habits of Highly Effective People."

>The figure turned and strode from the cell. The
>door slammed shut again. She waited a few minutes and risked a call to
>O'Brien.

CROW: [as Kira] So, like, are you going to the Val party on Friday?

>"Yes, Major," O'Brien answered. "Chief, we have a problem."
>"You're not kidding!"

MIKE: [as Kira] No, I'm not! Why don't you ever take me seriously?

>"What did you tell Vader?" "Name, rank and
>service number, what else? Who did you say?" "Uh...never mind," Kira
>stopped herself, realizing that they are probably being monitored.

TOM: She's quick.

>"What are we going to do?"

CROW: [as O'Brien] I was going to take a nap. Why? What are
you going to do?

>"I have no idea, but our angel of death
>friend seemed pretty upset that we couldn't tell him anything."
>"Yeah, 'new ways to motivate'?" Kira clenched her teeth at the thought
>of what he might have meant.

MIKE: [as Kira] I hate motvational speakers.

> * * *
>"Sir, the scanner field diverters are in place. We are ready to go."
>Picard opened a channel to the _Millenium Falcon_, "General Solo, the
>diverters should shield your ship from almost any kind of scan. We
>will have the emergency explosive bolts

TOM: [German accent] Ja, de hatch vis de explosive bolts.

>on the bay at your command in
>case you are discovered. Otherwise, we will open the doors 25 seconds
>prior to firing the torpedo." "Very good, Captain Picard. We'll
>monitor your transmissions and be ready for whatever happens. Solo
>out," Han flipped the the comm switch to 'monitor.' "Leia, Lando are
>you all set back there?" Han spoke into the headset. "We're all set,
>Han," Lando answered. "What are we looking forward to."

MIKE: A hot bath.
TOM: RAM chips.
CROW: Kim Catrall.

>"I have a
>funny feeling Picard's going to get more than he's bargained for. He
>still thinks that he can talk his way out of this.

TOM: [as Lando] I've heard that guy talk. We're dead.

>I really don't know
>what to expect, just keep your ears open. Luke, Wedge, are you set?"
>"Yes, sir," Wedge gave a thumbs up through the window. "All set,
>Han," Luke affirmed. "Keep your heads up guys."

MIKE: Ears open!
'BOTS: Check!
MIKE: Heads up!
'BOTS: Check!
MIKE: Okay, the cliche generator works.

> * * *
>"Mr. Data, set a course for the entrance of the wormhole, full
>impulse," Picard leaned back in his chair and gave a glance to Riker.
>"Aye, sir," Data set the course solemnly.

MIKE: Thank goodness. I hate it when Data cuts a caper while he sets
the course.

> * * *
>"Sir," Lt. Fulson, "Scanners are picking up a huge disturbance in the
>same vicinity that the two TIEs disappeared and we picked up that
>small craft. This is a much larger anomaly than anything that we have
>detected before." Vader turned his head and strode back. Lt. Fulson's
>face tensed up.

CROW: That boy needs a massage or something.

>"There have been other disturbances and I wasn't
>notified?" Fulson swallowed hard,

MIKE: [as Fulson] Uh... you were in the bathroom, o dark one!

>"My Lord, I..." he began to choke
>and gasp for air. He clutched at his throat. Captain Drekker watched
>as his first officer asphyxiated to death.

TOM: As opposed to asphyxiating to life, I suppose.

>He gulped and looked at
>Vader who was obviously fuming. "Your next executive officer will
> not let us down again, Captain," Vader admonished walked off of the
>bridge. Capt. Drekker straightened his tunic,

TOM: Apparently, Drekker deals with stress by playing with his clothing.

>"Set a course to the
>area of the disturbance."

CROW: Course set for Bob Saget's house, aye sir.

> * * *
>As the _Enterprise_ emerged from the wormhole, the view screen was
>literally filled with the image of the immense Star Destroyer that was
>sitting at the entrance. The _Enterprise_ came very close to the bow
>of it. "Hard Starboard!" Riker yelled.

MIKE: "Soft Port!" Picard shouted.

>Data's hands flew over the
>helm with lightning speed. The _Enterprise_ pulled to the starboard.
>"Full stop, Mr. Data," Captain Picard stood slowly and tugged at his
>tunic just taking in the sheer immensity of the Star Destroyer.

MIKE: Oh no! There's a plague of clothing-adjusting spreading through
the galaxy!

>"Star
>Destroyer is a good name," Worf said in admiration.

TOM: [as Worf] I just saw it destroy a star.

>"That it is, Mr.
>Worf," Picard acknowledged, coming back to reality,

CROW: Yeah. Like he'd know reality if it walked up and bit him.

>"Let's hope that
>it can't live up to its name. Hail them." "Captain, I sense a source
>of unthinkable evil," Deanna said shaking her head staring at the
>screen.

TOM: [as Picard] So don't think about it, dimwit.
MIKE: [as Deanna] It's coming from a place called... Deep 13.

>"I'm not surprised from what Cmdr Skywalker tells me," Picard
>turned to face the bridge crew. "I am told that this Darth Vader has
>extremely powerful psychic powers including telekinesis and
>clairvoyance.

ALL: [singing] He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows
when you're awake...

>We must be careful..."
>he was cut off by the image of
>the black cowled Darth Vader on the screen. "This is the Imperial
>Star Destroyer _Nosferatu_. You are harboring criminals wanted by the
>Empire. You will surrender and prepare to be

CROW: ... spanked.

>boarded.

CROW: Oh.

>We will take the
>prisoners..." "What criminals?" Picard cut Vader off, sounding
>impetuous and relaxed.

TOM: And Picard is wearing an ensemble from de la Renta that is
at once impetuous and relaxed.

>Vader's mechanical breathing hastened at being
>cut off. "We have seen no such criminals. We are merely searching
>after a lost reconnaissance ship. We lost contact with it just over an
>hour ago. Have you seen..."

CROW: [as Picard] ...my diamond tennis bracelet? I can't find it
*anwyhere*.

>Vader cut off Picard this time, his deep
>voice noticeably perturbed. "You are lying. They are with you now.
>You will turn them over and you too will be taken as criminals of the
>Empire to stand trial." Picard's voice was calm, but the back of his
>neck was red and the veins in his temples were pulsing.

MIKE: [as Riker] Stand back! His head's about to explode!

>"We will do
>no such thing. We have no knowledge of your criminals. We shall..."
>Suddenly Picard's voice faltered. He grasped his throat. Vader was
>silent except for the relentless rising and falling of his mechanized
>breathing. Picard's face was red and he fell to his knees. Riker and
>Deanna were at his side. Deanna was trying with all of her empathic
>abilities to shield the Captain. "Cut transmission!" Riker shouted.
>Worf cut the signal, and Picard's face relaxed.

TOM: So Vader can only affect people's minds through subspace
transmissions? I don't *think* so.

>He was no longer
>choking, but he was dazed.

CROW: And confused.

>"Cmdr," Data turned in his seat, "We are
>apparently caught in a tractor beam of some sort. We are being pulled

MIKE: ... toward a monster truck rally.

>toward the bay on the bottom of the ship."
> * * *
>"It sounds like they've got us," Han said staring out the front of the
>cockpit.

CROW: [as Han] And I'd like to see the person who said these
ships were fast and powerful, please. Your hinder and my boot
have an appointment.

>"Couldn't we just blast out of here?" Leia asked knowing the
>answer. "We'd just get pulled in too, and we would blow Captain
>Picard's bluff prematurely," Han said, his brow furrowed in thought.
>"You think he has something?" Leia queried.

TOM: [as Han] Well, he did, but the antibiotics -- oh, that's not
what you meant, was it?

>"It seems like Vader has
>already called the bluff." "Maybe, but I think the Imperials may not
>trust Vader's intuition as much as he'd like us to believe." Han
>risked a communication link to the X-wings, hoping the diverters would
>screen out any communications inside the field. "Luke. Have you got
>anything, kid?"

TOM: [as Luke] Well, I did, but the antibiotics --

>"Vader is certain that we're on board, but the rest
>of the ship doesn't really seem to care.

CROW: [as Luke] They're all thinking about the kegger in Drekker's
quarters later.
ALL: Woo-hoo!

>I imagine,

MIKE: Yeah, right.

>they're still a
>bit shaken from the trip, and are more concerned with getting home."
>"Let's hope so, kid. Solo out." The entryway sensor sounded and Han
>flipped a switch. "Who is it?" he asked, half-mockingly. "Cmdrs Data
>and LaForge, General. We have a problem."

CROW: [as Geordi] We seem to have tied our sleeves together, General.

>"I'll say. Come on in,
>kid."
> * * *
>Han, Lando, Data, Geordie and Picard were in conference room on the
>bridge of the _Enterprise_. "We can probably destroy the tractor
>emitter by beaming a photon torpedo on timer into it or near it, but
>what happens then?"

MIKE: The fanfic will end, and we'll all go home?
TOM & CROW: Yay!

>Picard asked for ideas. "Your transporter systems
>will work through the tractor beam?" Han asked, his face lighting up
>with a whole new realm of possibilities. "There's a lot of
>electromagnetic interference, but we believe it may be possible to
>beam inorganic matter through it with no trouble, but humans would be
>too risky," Data answered.

CROW: [as Data] So we'll send Worf instead.

>"How about once the tractor was down?
>Could you beam people onto the ship?" Lando asked hopefully. "Yes,"
>Data replied. "However, we wouldn't have much time before we would
>have to raise shields again. No degree of accuracy could be
>guaranteed."

TOM: Their transporter has a Pentium processor.
CROW: Warning! Intel inside.

>"As long as we didn't get beamed onto the main bridge,
>or a reactor core, we should be okay."

TOM: Or, say, out into deep space.
CROW: Wishful thinking.

>"We can minimize the odds of
>transporting into and area of high traffic or any sort of dangerous
>area," Data added. "Sir," Riker's voice interrupted.

MIKE: The rest of him was having a fantasy involving Deanna and
a *whole* lot of chocolate syrup.

>"We can only
>hold out for another ten minutes tops."

CROW: [as Riker] Before we have to make another beer run.

> "Yes Number One," Picard
>tapped his commbadge. "I think we've got something." "We can get an
>away team onto the Star Destroyer, but we'll only have a short time to
>find Kira and O'Brien, that is if they are still alive," Picard
>explained.

CROW: He's a real glass-half-empty person, isn't he?

>"The brigs on Star Destroyers are pretty small, it
>shouldn't take long to find them. I trained on these ships during my
>academy days," Han announced to most everyone's surprise. "Long
>story," He said, looking around at everyone's surprised looks.

MIKE: [as Han] See, it was a long time ago in a galaxy... well,
you know.

>"Alright then," Picard stood. "General, will you accompany the away
>team?" "Sure, Captain," Han answered standing as well.

ALL: Stand up, sit down, fight fight fight!

>"Good," The
>group left the conference room and Picard spoke again, "Mr. Data,
>Worf, accompany the General on the away team. Draw phasers

TOM: A little Pictionary never fails to lighten up even the
dullest of meetings!

>and
>report to transporter room three." "I'll return to the _Falcon_ and see
>what happens," Lando said looking at Han. Worf, Data, Han and Lando
>got into the turbolift. They gave it the orders

MIKE: Three tuna subs and an order of curly fries to go, please.

>and they stood in tense
>silence. Both Generals knew the odds of what they were going up
>against. Lando and company had just rescued Han from the clutches
>of Jabba the Hutt which was no picnic, but trying to break the fourth
>most wanted Imperial traitor out of an Imperial stockade would make
>Tatooine seem like hopscotch.

MIKE: Tonight... on The Empire's Most Wanted.

>Han knew that they were up against a
>task of epic proportions, but what the Hell, when weren't they. The
>turbo lift stopped at the main hangar bay. "Look, we go in we come
>out. It's as simple as that,"

CROW: It's just like --
MIKE: [clears throat ominously]
CROW: -- that part in "Patriot Games" where the SAS guys
infilitrate the enemy camp and kill everybody while Harrison
Ford watches the satellite feed.
MIKE: That's what I thought you were going to say.

>Han said reassuring himself more than
>Lando. "Piece of cake. Besides, it'll take a lot more than an Imperial
>Star Destroyer, 14,000 crew and an insane Dark Lord to stop me from
>coming back for the _Falcon_." Lando nodded and smiled. "Will you
>get going!" He stepped out and the door closed behind him. He glanced
>back, "Pirate," He whispered under his breath and strode off toward
>the _Falcon_. Inside, Chewie and Leia were in the cockpit waiting.

TOM: Don't you think it's kind of discriminatory to leave the
girl and the talking carpet out of the meeting?
CROW: Uh...
MIKE: Well...
TOM: Me neither. Not in the Wookie's case, anyway.

>"Well?" Leia asked. "Han went with the away team onto the Star
>Destroyer to help rescue their people." A dark shadow of dread
>crossed Leia's face.

MIKE: A little concealer would help with that.

>Chewbacca growled a negative. "It's the least we
>could do. If it weren't for them, we'd be stuck here forever, and what
>would happen with the Alliance?"

CROW: Um... I got news for them. They're still stuck there.

>"Brave to the end," Leia said to
>herself. "What do we do?" "We sit under this shield and listen

MIKE:... to Luke's Steely Dan tapes.

>until
>something bad happens or Han gets back. They are working on freeing
>the ship from the tractor right now."

TOM: Mike, I can't take much more of this. Let's get out of here.

[Exeunt]
--
I always suspect an artist who is successful before he is dead.
--Edgar Degas
http://members.aol.com/rfothree/