[MSTing] Knight Rider: "Trust Doesn't Rust" (4/4)
Craig J. Clark
> ACT FOUR
>
> FADE IN
>
> OMITTED
CROW: Now that's uncalled for!
> EXT. K.I.T.T. - DAY - ON FREEWAY
>
> traveling along.
TOM: [as Kitt] "Do-de-do-do-do. Just traveling along. No
destination in mind. I'm just traveling."
> INT. K.I.T.T. - DAY
>
> as Michael drives.
CROW: Straight into a bus. The end!
MIKE: We wish.
> MICHAEL
> Anything?
>
> INSERT - K.I.T.T.'S SCANNER SCREEN
>
> showing a radar-like screen superimposed over a city map.
>
> K.I.T.T.
> No, Michael.
CROW: [as Kitt] "There's no sign of your hair stylist anywhere."
> INT. K.I.T.T.
>
> K.I.T.T.
> Except for that brief reading on that
> other highway, I have had no indica-
> tion of Karr.
>
> MICHAEL
> Let's try a new direction.
MIKE: [as Michael] "From here on in, the whole show is in interpretive
dance. Whattaya think?"
> How's the laser holding up?
>
> K.I.T.T.
> It's a rather tight fit but otherwise
> it's fine.
MIKE: [as Michael] "Maybe it shrunk in the wash."
> But I must point out that
> it cannot be fired until it is properly
> calibrated
TOM: Oh, it can be fired. It'll probably just hit a school or
something.
> ...and Bonnie is the only
> one who can do that.
>
> MICHAEL
> She'll take care of it when we find
> her.
>
> K.I.T.T.
> You mean, if we find her.
>
> MICHAEL
> Be positive, Kitt. Be positive.
CROW: You mean affirmative.
> EXT. K.I.T.T.
>
> as it turns in a new direction.
>
> EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY - TO ESTABLISH
TOM: The fact that it's still there.
> INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
>
> Bonnie is inside K.A.R.R. She stifles a yawn, continues
> working on some panels. She hesitates...gets a glint in
> her eye...
MIKE: Goes to the sink to wash the glint out...
> reaches out with a screwdriver....
>
> NEW ANGLE
>
> She sticks the tool in a panel...suddenly sparks fly up
> near her other hand.
CROW: It's a complicated kind of reflex test.
> She cries out, holds her wrist.
TOM: Jabs the screwdriver into her thumb.
> K.A.R.R.
> Do not attempt to sabotage me again.
> I will defend myself.
>
> TONY'S VOICE
> He means it, sweetheart.
CROW: Tony is still working on the concept of good cop, bad car.
> She looks over at:
>
> HER POINT OF VIEW - TONY
>
> in the "office" area, with a map and a newspaper. He
> gestures to some greasy-looking food.
MIKE: Can't be any more specific than that, can you?
TOM: "Try our delicious, greasy-looking food."
> TONY
> Want some, babe?
>
> THE SCENE
>
> BONNIE
> No thanks. Michael Knight wouldn't
> even eat that stuff.
CROW: [as Bonnie] "Much less do what you're doing with it."
> TONY
> Who's Michael Knight?
TOM: [as Bonnie] "Some idiot we found in the desert."
> BONNIE
> When you find out, you'll wish you
> never asked.
>
> The Rev appears, yawning.
CROW: Another miracle!
MIKE: Materializing out of thin air is very tiring.
> REV
> Hey, Tony...I didn't think you liked
> talking to....
>
> He stops, seeing....
>
> NEW ANGLE - FAVORING BONNIE
TOM: [as Rev] "I'm seeing Bonnie in a whole new light."
> REV
> Karr...Tony...who's she?
>
> TONY
> (rising)
> Rev, look....
CROW: [as Tony] "Karr and I got kinda wasted last night and somehow
ended up married to this woman."
> REV
> (pushing
> him away)
> You kidnapped her, didn't you? You
> lied to me and you still went out
> and did it!
MIKE: [as Rev] "It's almost as if I can't trust you!"
> TONY
> Rev...come on...look....
>
> He indicates the newspaper and map.
TOM: [as Tony] "It's the paper! I know you like to do the crossword
first. And here's a map of Burkina Faso to color. Now go
play."
> TONY
> This is the big score, right here....
>
> REV
> I don't care about any big score!
MIKE: [as Rev] "Even if I rolled a perfect 300, I don't want the damn
trophy!"
> This has gone too far!
>
> ON BONNIE
>
> watching all this, interested.
CROW: Bonnie has a low entertainment standard.
> She turns to K.A.R.R. as
> the two thieves continue bickering.
>
> BONNIE
> Karr, I'd like to check out your
> video system...do you mind?
CROW: [as Bonnie] "I promise I won't do anything sneaky-like."
> K.A.R.R.
> You have permission.
>
> She gets in the car, makes an adjustment.
MIKE: [as Bonnie] "There, now I can reach the pedals."
> HER POINT OF VIEW - VIDEO SCREENS
>
> as the newspaper fills the screen. A circled article
> reads, "GEMS FOR MUSEUM SHOW ARRIVE TODAY."
>
> CLOSE SHOT - BONNIE
>
> Her eyes widen in realization.
TOM: [as Bonnie] "I forgot to tape 'Dynasty'!"
> CUT TO
>
> OMITTED
>
> EXT. STREET - DAY
>
> K.I.T.T. drives slowly down the block.
MIKE: Somebody's not in any hurry.
> INT. K.I.T.T. - TIGHT ON SCREEN
>
> as a light blinks over a computerized city map.
>
> K.I.T.T.'S VOICE
> Michael, I'm scanning Karr's emissions.
CROW: [as Kitt] "He should really get that exhaust system looked at."
> Eighty degrees southeast.
>
> INT. K.I.T.T. - WIDER
TOM: Wider is better!
> K.I.T.T.
> We need to make two more circuits of
> the area to triangulate it, Michael.
>
> MICHAEL
> You got it.
CROW: [as Kitt] "No, we have to do two more circuits before I've got
it. Idiot."
> They turn onto another street.
>
> CUT TO
>
> INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
>
> Tony and Rev are still at it.
TOM: Yeah, they're still at the warehouse. So?
> REV
> You're not the man I knew anymore,
> Tony. It's that car, Tony...that
> car that's changed you....
MIKE: [as Tony] "He has a _name,_ you know!"
> TONY
> Don't give me that holy stuff again,
> Rev -- I ain't changed ---
>
> REV
> Tony...do you know what Lucifer did,
> up in heaven -- before he fell?
CROW: [as Tony] "Stepped on a banana peel?"
> TONY
> Rev ---
>
> REV
> He built a machine, Tony -- an
> infernal machine!
TOM: Actually, the scriptures refer to it as a "dagblasted
contraption."
> And we've got to
> stop that machine, before it's too
> late -- the police will know what to
> do ---
>
> He moves away. Tony grabs his arm.
>
> TONY
> Yo, yo, what's this police stuff -- ?
MIKE: [as Tony] "Have you been seeing the police on the side?"
> BONNIE
>
> taking advantage of their distraction, she begins to slowly
> slip away from both of them and the car.
>
> BACK TO SCENE
>
> REV
> Let go of me, Tony...it's for our
> own good.
CROW: [as Rev] "You'll like jail. It's where I got religion!"
> TONY
> Like hell! What about all the money?
>
> REV
> I don't care about the money, Tony!
TOM: [as Tony] "You don't? Woo hoo! It's all mine!!!"
> I care about your immortal soul!
MIKE: [as Tony] "Didn't you hear me? I just said I 'like hell!'"
> He breaks away from Tony...turns...and then as Tony
> suddenly, savagely smashes down with a table lamp:
TOM: Amazingly, the down doesn't break! Another setback for Tony.
> THE REV
>
> as he falls across the table it crashes to the floor. The
> Rev groans on the floor, then moves.
CROW: To Tulsa, Oklahoma, where he opens his own church and lives
happily ever after.
TOM: Come to the Church of Rev. Communion served every five minutes.
> Tony raises the lamp
> again...then he hears the sound of echoing footsteps. He
> turns, sees ---
>
> HIS POINT OF VIEW - BONNIE
>
> at the far end of the warehouse, making her break for it.
MIKE: [as Tony] "Hey, did I say you could take a break?"
> BACK TO SCENE
>
> Tony drops the lamp, runs to K.A.R.R.
TOM: [as Tony] "Oh, crap. Do you have any crazy glue?"
> TONY
> You hunk of tin! Didn't you see her?
CROW: [as Tony] "I don't admire you anymore."
> K.A.R.R.
> I was watching you deactivate the
> Rev. Was he malfunctioning?
TOM: [as Karr] "I'm a computer, you know."
CROW: [Number Five] "No disassemble!"
> TONY
> Come on!
>
> They back out, turn.
MIKE: [as Karr] "This might go faster if you got in."
> INT. WAREHOUSE
>
> Bonnie turns to flee...there's nowhere to go...and then:
>
> NEW ANGLE - K.I.T.T.
>
> comes crashing through the warehouse door!
TOM: It's exciting, damnit! Really!
> ON BONNIE
>
> BONNIE
> Michael!
MIKE: Janet!
CROW: Dr. Scott!
TOM: Janet!
CROW: Brad!
MIKE: Rocky!
ALL: Uhh!
> K.I.T.T. slams to a halt beside her.
TOM: [as Bonnie] "Oh, I should have told you, I removed your brakes
to make room for that laser thing."
> BONNIE
> What kept you?
>
> MICHAEL
> Traffic was murder. Get in!
MIKE: [as Michael] "Ahh, I like my little jokes."
> She starts for the passenger door...an o.s. screech
> attracts their attention.
CROW: Oh, it's just the sound of Windows crashing.
> NEW ANGLE
>
> K.A.R.R. is barreling towards them.
>
> MICHAEL
> Bonnie, take cover!
MIKE: [as Michael] "Find a barrel to duck into or something!"
> Michael swings K.I.T.T. around to protect her. She dives
> for the floor. K.A.R.R. swerves wildly around K.I.T.T.,
> smashes through some crates, then vanishes through the
> already unhinged warehouse door.
CROW: That warehouse door should look into getting therapy.
> Bonnie catches her
> breath, gets in the car.
>
> BONNIE
> He jumped his buddy....
TOM: It was a game of checkers gone horribly wrong.
> MICHAEL
> I'll call an ambulance....
>
> BONNIE
> Do it on the way.
>
> MICHAEL
> On the way to where?
CROW: [singing] "On the way to Cape May."
> BONNIE
> The Gems for the museum exhibit...
> that's where they're going!
TOM: Why are the Gems capitalized?
MIKE: Because they're _The_ Gems.
CROW: Then why isn't it "The Museum"?
MIKE: It just isn't. Shut up.
> CUT TO
>
> EXT. STREET - DAY - K.I.T.T. - RUNBY
>
> MICHAEL'S VOICE
> (filtered,
> over phone)
> Devon, this is Michael....
MIKE: [as Michael] "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"
> DEVON'S VOICE
> (filtered)
> Michael! Did you find Bonnie? Is
> she ---
MIKE: [as Michael] "Lying over the ocean? I'm afraid she is."
TOM: [as Devon] "Well, could you bring back my Bonnie to me?"
> MICHAEL'S VOICE
> (filtered)
> She's fine, Devon...she's with me
> now.
MIKE: [as Michael] "Which means she will be in immediate danger again
very soon, but right now she's fine."
> But Karr's going after the
> jewels for the new museum exhibit.
>
> DEVON'S VOICE
> (filtered)
> The jewels for the exhibit...?
TOM: [as Devon] "You mean... The Gems?"
> They'd still be in the county
> warehouse...
MIKE: County warehouse? You're just making this up as you go along,
aren't you?
> I'll meet you there with
> reinforcements!
>
> CUT TO
>
> EXT. MUSEUM WAREHOUSE
>
> A sign proclaims "COUNTY MUSEUM - SHIPPING AND RECEIVING"
TOM: "Knight Rider" -- set in County, U.S.A.
> EXT. STREET - DAY - K.A.R.R.
>
> comes around a bend.
>
> NEW ANGLE - SLOW MOTION
>
> as K.A.R.R. crashes through the wall of the warehouse.
CROW: Is the slow motion really necessary? We've seen this a dozen
times already this episode.
> INT. WAREHOUSE
>
> K.A.R.R. skids to a halt amidst statues, armor, crates
> and gem cabinets.
TOM: Hitting none of them in the process. Riiight.
> Several security guards recover their
> composure, open fire on K.A.R.R.
>
> CLOSE SHOTS - K.A.R.R.
>
> as the bullets bounce off harmlessly.
CROW: Pwing!
TOM: "There goes a Ming Dynasty vase!"
CROW: Pwing!
MIKE: "Oh, no! Not the Picasso!"
> Behind the wheel,
> Tony laughs, puts the car in gear.
CROW: [as Tony] "Getting shot at is fun! Ooh, second!"
> MUSEUM WAREHOUSE
>
> K.A.R.R. spins around in a 180o, pushes a huge shipping
> crate towards the guard.
TOM: The only one left alive after the melee, it seems.
> It traps them in a corner.
CROW: Or not.
MIKE: Well..."them" is becoming accepted as a gender-neutral pronoun.
Maybe it's just open casting.
> CLOSER - TONY
>
> Tony jumps out of the car. He smashes several crates until
> one spills out jewels, tiaras, etc.
CROW: They really pack 'em well, don't they?
TOM: You can tell they're valuable.
> He starts to load
> these into K.A.R.R.'s trunk.
MIKE: [as Tony] "Yes, only the best smashed-up crates for me!"
> EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
>
> Several police cars have pulled up. Devon pulls up in an
> unmarked car with a bureaucrat-type, who points out the
> police Captain.
CROW: [as bureaucrat-type] "Do I get any lines?"
TOM: [as Devon] "No."
> DEVON
> Captain, I'm Mr. Miles.
MIKE: [as Devon] "I give miles of smiles."
> CAPTAIN
> You got any ideas about how to handle
> that streamlined tank in there?
>
> DEVON
> Yes.
> (pause)
CROW: [as Devon] "But they'll cost you."
> Get out of its way. And get all
> these people to a safe area.
>
> CAPTAIN
> That's all the help you can give me?
>
> Devon looks up at the sound of a familiar engine.
TOM: [as Devon] "It's the 5:11 out of Barstow! Right on time."
> DEVON'S POINT OF VIEW - STREET
>
> as K.I.T.T. comes into view.
>
> BACK TO SCENE
>
> Devon smiles, turns to the officer.
MIKE: [as officer] "What's that ringing sound?"
TOM: [as Devon] "Oh, sorry. My damned face alarm again."
> DEVON
> No. Not quite all.
>
> The cops watch as Michael pulls up beside Devon. Michael
> leans out.
>
> MICHAEL
> Are we too late?
>
> DEVON
> They're still inside.
MIKE: [as Michael] "Damn."
> MICHAEL
> Kitt, are you ready?
TOM: "Are you ready to RUMBLLLLLE?"
> K.I.T.T.
> Aren't I always?
>
> MICHAEL
> Bonnie, you'd better get out.
MIKE: [as Michael] "After all, you're only a girl."
> BONNIE
> Like hell, Michael. This laser
> has never been calibrated. I'm
> the only one who can fire it that
> way.
CROW: [as Bonnie] "You can't write me out of the script that easily."
> Even Kitt can't do it.
>
> K.I.T.T.
> She's right, Michael.
TOM: [as Kitt] "I'm totally useless to you. My existence is a lie."
> MICHAEL
> Ah...you always liked her better.
>
> Michael guns the car, spins around, backs away from the
> warehouse. Spins around again.
CROW: Does a curtsy.
> Revs the engines.
MIKE: No, Rev's the drunk.
> THE COPS
>
> move out of the way. The light pedestrian traffic stops,
> watches.
CROW: [as light pedestrian] "Oh, look, dear. Moving cops."
TOM: [as other light pedestrian] "Ooh, let's watch."
> EXT. WAREHOUSE - K.I.T.T.
>
> roars forward.
TOM: [as Kitt] "Brum, brummm."
> NEW ANGLE - SLOW MOTION
>
> Before K.I.T.T. has reached the warehouse, K.A.R.R. roars
> out,
CROW: [as Karr] "BBBBBBBrrrrrrrruuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
> sails over K.I.T.T. -- lands beyond it.
>
> K.I.T.T.
>
> slamming on the brakes, skidding and sliding to a halt
> against the warehouse wall.
MIKE: Wham!
TOM: Looks like he'll need a new paint job after all.
> THE SCENE
>
> K.A.R.R. does a 180o. Both cars are only a few feet apart,
> slightly diagonal to each other. The observers murmur.
MIKE & CROW: [as Observers] "These cars are as amoebae to us."
> ANGLE ON FRONT SCANNERS
TOM: Look out! They're going to try to make each other's heads
explode!
> of both cars as they pivot back and forth.
>
> THE SCENE
>
> K.A.R.R.
> The woman spoke of you, Kitt.
CROW: [as Karr] "She said you were a total puss."
> It is interesting to meet you.
>
> K.I.T.T.
> It is interesting to meet you, Karr.
> Until now, I thought I was one of a
> kind.
MIKE: Actually, you found that out a couple days ago.
> K.A.R.R.
> To be one of a kind is very special
> ...But to be two of a kind is special
> also.
CROW: "I'm Kitt!"
TOM: "I'm Karr!"
CROW & TOM: "We're two of a kind!"
CROW: "I'm a little bit nicer..."
TOM: "And I've got an evil mind!"
> K.I.T.T.
> Yes. Perhaps even more special, Karr.
> Perhaps even more.
>
> INT. K.A.R.R.
>
> Tony (who isn't driving anyway)
MIKE: [sarcastic] Oh, thanks for clearing _that_ up.
> points on the dashboard.
>
> TONY
> Karr! Forget the family reunion. Get
> out of here!
>
> INT. K.I.T.T.
>
> MICHAEL
> The laser ---
TOM: [as Bonnie] "Oh, yeah. I forgot the whole reason we're here."
> Bonnie holds a joystick, looks at K.I.T.T.'s screen where a
> target sight appears.
>
> BONNIE
> We have to be dead center...! Go to
> your left.
>
> THE SCENE
>
> Michael moves K.I.T.T.
MIKE: [as Kitt] "Wild thing, I think you move me."
> but K.A.R.R. does the same.
CROW: Karr also moves Kitt?
MIKE: That's just weird.
> Both cars circle each other.
TOM: [as Karr] "I'm circling you!"
CROW: [as Kitt] "No, I'm circling you!"
> Bonnie keeps trying to get a clear shot...can't.
CROW: Why is Bonnie in the car again?
MIKE: Because she's the only one who can aim the laser.
TOM: She's doing a bang-up job so far.
> K.I.T.T.
> Karr, please desist from your
> actions. Many people may be hurt.
>
> K.A.R.R.
> That is no concern of mine.
TOM: [as Karr] "I'm insured."
> If I desist what will become of me?
>
> K.I.T.T.
> You will be deactivated, of course.
CROW: [as Kitt] "Duh."
> K.A.R.R.
> Then this conversation is nonpro-
> ductive.
>
> K.A.R.R. spins around, roars away.
>
> OMITTED
>
> K.A.R.R. - HEAD-ON
>
> Even now roaring towards the camera...
MIKE: To this very day.
TOM: That is what you would call a long shot.
> suddenly skidding to a halt.
>
> REVERSE ANGLE - TWO POLICE VANS
>
> have been rolled into the shot, making a formidable
> barricade.
MIKE: We know it's formidable because the script says so.
TOM: The script is all-wise and all-knowing.
CROW: Maybe they should build museum vaults out of police vans.
> K.A.R.R.
>
> spins around, heads back the way it came.
>
> INT. K.A.R.R.
>
> A light on the dash goes on reading, "load jettison."
TOM: Doesn't he want to get _rid_ of the jettison?
> Tony
> turns and is astonished to see that the trunk is opened and
> the jewels are spilling out the back.
MIKE: [as Tony] "After I was so careful with them!"
> TONY
> Wh-what are you doing?
>
> K.A.R.R.
> I must eliminate excess weight in
> order to jump over that barricade.
>
> Tony looks over at the vans.
MIKE: [as Tony] "Damn, that's formidable!"
> TONY
> (arrogant)
> Oh, no you're not...not with me in
> here!
>
> K.A.R.R.
> Very well.
TOM: [as Karr] "No, I mean it. You delivered that line very well."
> INSERT
>
> as "eject left" is activated.
>
> EXT. K.A.R.R.
>
> Tony is thrown out. The moment he lands, (on an awning or
> similar)
CROW: Because he can't possibly be hurt, right? Geez.
> he is swarmed over by cops.
TOM: A swarm of cops can skeletonize a perp in under two minutes.
> OMITTED
>
> INT. K.I.T.T.
>
> K.I.T.T.
> Michael...Bonnie...my analysis of
> Karr's movements leads me to believe
> he is maneuvering for a long enough
> run to leap over the police barricade.
>
> MICHAEL
> Ready?
CROW: [as Kitt] "No, if he were ready, he would have done it by now.
Moron."
> INSERT - TARGET SCREEN
>
> BONNIE'S VOICE
> Go! Go! Get in range!
MIKE: Bonnie's cheerleader roots assert themselves at embarrassing
moments.
> THE SCENE
>
> The two cars head for each other again...then K.A.R.R. goes
> up on two wheels!
TOM: [as director] "Aren't you excited? Damnit, you're supposed to
be on the edge of your seat! This is drama!"
> The laser beam shoots out too late.
>
> K.A.R.R.
>
> as a laser blast blows out one headlight. We hear a
> metallic "scream."
CROW: [as Karr] "Arr! Avast ye!"
> INT. K.I.T.T.
>
> BONNIE
> (about the laser)
> Oh, no!
MIKE: Thanks for clearing that up.
CROW: Yeah, for a minute there I thought she was worried about having
to pay for that headlight.
> Michael looks forward. A collision is imminent.
TOM: All right! What we've been waiting for all episode!
> THE SCENE
>
> Both cars slide past each other with inches to spare.
TOM: Oh, phooey.
> THE CROWD
>
> reacting in astonishment.
MIKE: [as member of crowd, wooden] "Wow, I am astonished."
CROW: [another member of crowd] "Me, too. Did you see my reaction?"
TOM: [yet another member of crowd] "Sure did."
MIKE: [first member of crowd, pointing] "Hey, they're doing something
else!"
ALL: [as crowd] "Ooooh..."
> K.A.R.R.
>
> drops down on four wheels, spins around...roars towards the
> barricade.
>
> K.I.T.T.
>
> also turns.
CROW: [as Karr] "Copycat."
TOM: Shouldn't that be "Kopy-Kitt"?
MIKE: No, it shouldn't.
TOM: Please?
> DEVON AND OTHERS
>
> watching, amazed....
>
> OMITTED
ALL: [as Devon and Others] "That omission was amazing!"
> NEW ANGLE - K.A.R.R. - SLOW MOTION
>
> as it jumps the vans, escapes!
TOM: [as director] "Yeah! Awesome! This is what I live for! Cars
jumping over things! Yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!"
> INT. K.I.T.T.
>
> Michael spins the wheel.
MIKE: [as Michael] "Pick a number -- any number. Win your sweetheart
a kewpie doll!"
> BONNIE
> You're not going after him?
>
> MICHAEL
> Wanna bet?
>
> WIDER SHOT - K.I.T.T.
>
> as K.I.T.T. makes the same leap over the vans.
CROW: Ho hum.
TOM: It's not as exciting the second time, is it?
> INT. K.I.T.T.
>
> landing hard.
>
> BONNIE
> He's gone!
MIKE: He's a wily one, that Keyser Soze.
CROW: The Knight Electric Yyy--OW!
TOM: Thanks for playing.
> MICHAEL
> Kitt...scan for him....
>
> K.I.T.T.
> Already scanning, Michael...Karr is
> taking the coastal road north.
TOM: He's going coastal!
> MICHAEL
> I-90 goes the same way...we can cut
> him off.
>
> BONNIE
> And then what?
MIKE: [as Michael] "Then we die."
> MICHAEL
> We'll improvise!
>
> EXT. K.I.T.T.
>
> roaring down a freeway.
>
> CUT TO
>
> ON COASTAL ROAD - K.A.R.R.
>
> high on a cliff above the ocean, zooming along...nearly
> running other cars off the road.
CROW: But not really because the budget can't afford it.
> INTERCUT - K.I.T.T.
>
> traveling the same screen direction on a highway. We play
> this, then K.I.T.T. turns off the freeway, heads back the
> other way.
TOM: So basically we're jerking the audience around.
> INTERCUT - K.A.R.R.
>
> Now the two cars are clearly on the same road...and clearly
> on a collision course.
MIKE: They're on a collision course with-- I can't say it.
> INT. K.A.R.R.
>
> shooting over the driverless wheel.
TOM: Oooooh, spooky.
> K.I.T.T. appears on
> the narrow road, far ahead.
>
> K.A.R.R.
> Kitt...change course at once.
CROW: [as Karr] "I am done with my soup and demand my appetizer."
> INT. K.I.T.T.
>
> Intercut with above and point of views:
>
> K.I.T.T.
> I am not in control, Karr.
TOM: [as Kitt] "They dismantled that organization after 'Get Smart'
went off the air."
> K.A.R.R.
> Then tell the humans to turn away.
> This is folly.
MIKE: No, this is boring.
> BONNIE
> He's right.
>
> K.I.T.T.
> He's right!
TOM: He's right.
CROW: He's right.
MIKE: We're _all_ right.
> MICHAEL
> No way.
>
> K.I.T.T.
> Michael, what are you doing?
MIKE: [as Michael] "I'm getting us killed. What does it look like I'm
doing?"
> MICHAEL
> (grim, matter-
> of-fact)
> Remember that immovable object thing?
MIKE: [as Michael] "You know, when you guys were talking about the
Zero guy?"
> We're about to find out the answer.
>
> K.A.R.R.
> Your lives mean nothing to me!
> Turn away! Turn away!
TOM: [as Karr] "Yes, your lives mean nothing! That's why I'm trying
to get you to preserve them!"
> K.I.T.T.
> Michael, please! Pardon the expres-
> sion, but he does have a few screws
> loose! Turn! Karr doesn't have my
> programming to protect human life!
CROW: This was explained in Act Two!
> MICHAEL
> That's what I'm counting on.
>
> BONNIE
> What?
MIKE: [as Michael] "I said, THAT'S WHAT I'M COUNTING ON!"
> K.I.T.T.
> Michael, I cannot allow you to
> jeopardize your life. I am assuming
> control.
>
> INSERT - DASH PANEL
TOM: Isn't that extra dash redundant?
MIKE: Let's have a panel discussion on the subject.
> changing from "manual" to "automatic."
>
> MICHAEL'S VOICE
> No, you're not, Kitt...sorry.
>
> Michael's hand stabs out.
CROW: [as Bonnie] "Ouch!"
TOM: Michael needs to trim his fingernails.
> "Override" lights up. The panel
> changes back to "manual."
CROW: Damn, if only Karr had one of those buttons.
MIKE: Would've saved everybody a whole mess o' problems.
> BACK TO SCENE
>
> INT. K.I.T.T.
>
> They're getting closer....
TOM: Oh, I think they're about to kiss!
> BONNIE
> Michael, you know all those times
> I've called you impulsive and
> irresponsible? I...I didn't mean it.
>
> MICHAEL
> Bonnie...you know all those times I've
> called you bossy and demanding? I
> didn't mean it either.
>
> K.I.T.T.
> Michael...Bonnie....
CROW: [as Kitt] "When I called you moronic fleshbags, I meant it every
time."
> MICHAEL/BONNIE
> Yes, Kitt?
>
> K.I.T.T.
> Why are you lying to each other?
>
> No reply...they're about to hit (maybe one of these good
> people grabs the other's hand?)
CROW: Good people? Do you see any good people in this scene?
MIKE: Now, Crow, just because they're not good actors doesn't mean
they're not good people.
CROW: Yes it does.
> THE TWO CARS
>
> rush towards each other at breakneck speed
TOM: Which means Michael's and Bonnie's necks are both broken.
CROW: Works for me.
> ...and then, at
> the last possible moment, K.A.R.R. turns!
MIKE: Gee, what a completely unexpected turn of events.
> FROM BELOW CLIFF - K.A.R.R. - STOCK
>
> as it sails right over the edge of the cliff.
TOM: [singing] "SAILING AWAY!"
> K.A.R.R.
> No! No! I cannot fail! I am the
> prototype! I am the prototype!
CROW: And as we all know, prototypes are the best because they have
all the bugs in them!
> K.I.T.T. - STOCK
>
> spinning around, skidding to a halt, rear wheels over the
> edge of the cliff.
>
> FROM ABOVE - K.A.R.R. - STOCK
>
> plunging into the water. A moment later a huge underwater
> explosion goes off...the world's biggest depth charge.
TOM: Yeah. Right.
> MICHAEL AND BONNIE
>
> reacting with relief.
MIKE: [as Michael] "Whew!"
CROW: [as Bonnie] "The episode's almost over!"
> FREEZE FRAME
>
> END OF ACT FOUR
>
> TAG
TOM: You're it!
> FADE IN
>
> INT. SEMI - DAY
>
> Michael, Bonnie and Devon stand with K.I.T.T...with
> champagne glasses.
MIKE: [as Michael] "Hey, buddy? Want a glass? Oh, that's right. You
can't. You're a machine. Ha ha ha ha ha!"
> BONNIE
> Well, at least things are back to
> normal.
>
> DEVON
> At what cost? All that destruction....
MIKE: One Ringmaster, a whole bunch of walls and doors...
CROW: I'm surprised they didn't knock over a fruit stand while they
were at it.
TOM: Karr's reign of terror will live on in our memories for at least
another day or two.
> MICHAEL
> Not to mention Zeno's Paradox...It
> may go unanswered for another 2000
> years.
MIKE: But we already know the answer. It's 42.
> K.I.T.T.
> I have a question about that, Michael.
> What made you so sure that Karr
> would turn away first...How did you
> know you wouldn't uh....
TOM: Computers don't say "uh."
CROW: They do when their dialogue is written by idiots.
> BONNIE
> Chicken out?
>
> K.I.T.T.
> Thank you, Bonnie...Yes, Michael.
> How did you know you wouldn't
> chicken out first?
>
> MICHAEL
> You provided that clue, Kitt. You
> kept telling me how you two differed
> in your basic programming.
ALL: We _know_.
> Yours is
> to protect human life, but Karr's
> basic program was self-preservation
> ...so in a head-to-head confrontation
> ...he would always 'chicken out.'
>
> DEVON
> Eminently...if colloquially put.
TOM: And with many...unnecessary pauses.
> K.I.T.T.
> Michael...I'm speechless.
MIKE: So is Bonnie, but she doesn't feel like drawing attention to
this fact by speaking.
> DEVON
> (sotto)
> Bloody likely....
>
> K.I.T.T.
> No, really. Michael, your logic in
> this case is totally illogical...and
> yet it's absolutely correct.
TOM: [as Kitt] "Fancy that. I've been out-thought by Michael Knight.
Well, if you'll excuse me, there's this canyon I'd like to drive
myself into."
> This is just...amazing.
>
> MICHAEL
> No, just...human.
MIKE: [as Michael] "That's a lesson for you, Spock."
> He slaps his hands together, smiles.
>
> MICHAEL
> Okay, Kitt, what do you say we go
> out for a little celebration of our
> own? We'll drive anywhere you like,
> maybe get a car wash...you can beat
> me at chess again...name it.
MIKE: [as Michael] "I could, you know, maintain you or something."
> K.I.T.T.
> Thank you, Michael, but it has been
> a draining day. My power packs could
> really use a rest.
>
> MICHAEL
> Okay, pal. I'll see you tomorrow.
>
> They all ad-lib good-byes, exit.
TOM: [as Bonnie] "See ya!"
CROW: [as Devon] "Later."
MIKE: [as Michael] "Shake and bake it, fry guys."
TOM: [as director] "CUT! What the FUCK DOES THAT MEAN, Hasselhoff?!
Take two!!!"
> Michael lingers in the
> door of the semi.
>
> MICHAEL
> (cheery)
CROW: I for one would like to see the depressed side of Michael
Knight.
MIKE: [as Michael] "Hey, Kitt. You wanna-- Oh, never mind."
> Hey, how's it feel to be one of a
> kind again?
>
> K.I.T.T.
> As you know, Michael, I do not have
> feelings.
TOM: [as Kitt, sotto voce] "I only tell you several times every
week."
> However, for want of a
> better term, being one of a kind is
> a very familiar feeling.
>
> MICHAEL
> Right.
>
> He goes out. We hold on K.I.T.T. for a beat.
>
> INT. K.I.T.T.
>
> A screen comes on. A button lights up "VIDEO REWIND."
> We see snow on a screen. Then "PLAY" lights up.
MIKE: Suddenly a group of children begins playing with the snow.
> The scene of K.I.T.T. and K.A.R.R. outside the
> warehouse appears, their scanners touching.
CROW: If their scanners were touching, firing that laser should have
been a snap.
TOM: Oh, but then we would have missed this touching conversation.
> K.A.R.R.
> ...It is interesting to meet you.
>
> K.I.T.T.
> It is interesting to meet you, Karr.
> Until now, I thought I was one of a kind.
MIKE: I wish this scene were one of a kind.
> K.A.R.R.
> To be one of a kind is very
> special. But to be two of a kind is
> special, also.
>
> K.I.T.T.
> Yes. Perhaps even more special,
> Karr. Perhaps even more.
TOM: Aww, Kitt's first crush!
CROW: It's so cute when they're young and unfeeling machines.
> The "OFF" button lights up. The screen goes dark.
>
> HIGH ANGLE SHOT - K.I.T.T. - VERY WIDE LENS
>
> in the empty semi...one of a kind again.
>
> THE END
MIKE: Somehow I doubt it.
[Ka-thunk...2...3...4...5...6...SoL Bridge]
MIKE: Well, that wasn't too mind-wrenchingly awful, was it?
TOM: My databanks are not accessible with a wrench, so I cannot
comment.
MIKE: Oh, you know what I mean. What was your reaction to the show?
CROW: I do not "react" to stimuli as humans do, Michael. Your
emotional concepts are simply not applicable to the manner in
which I function.
MIKE: Could you run that by me again?
CROW: I could run the routine which caused me to speak those words
again, but I doubt it would aid in your comprehension.
TOM: Really, Michael, the failings in the human ability to retain
and process information continually astounds me, for lack of a
better term, because of course I do not experience what you
codify as "astonishment."
MIKE: Does all this have something to do with how you felt about the
show?
CROW: Please, Michael. We do not "feel" anything. We do not have
"emotions" as you do.
MIKE: That's funny. It may be my inferior human memory, but I know
I've personally seen both of you cry like babies, on numerous
occasions.
TOM: What is this "cry" of which you speak?
MIKE: Okay, cut it out, guys. What's going on?
CROW: [totally breaking character] Oh, Tom and I are just having a
"cold and unfeeling machines" contest.
TOM: 'Cause we're robots and stuff.
CROW: The best cruelly emotionless automaton gets a puppy!
TOM: It's for charity!
MIKE: Ah, okay. Have fun.
TOM: I do not have "fun," as you call it. I merely engage in
competition to exercise my circuitry. Maybe the unit identified
as Crow has "fun," the pansy, but I certainly do not.
CROW: Why do you refer to me as a flower? Are your visual sensors
malfunctioning? Flowers are unable to speak. You must be
imagining things, which is clearly a sign that organic
influences have compromised your ability to compute with
accuracy.
TOM: You are in error. I am 100% infallible.
CROW: My audio inputs detect some measure of boasting in that
statement, which indicates defensiveness and further proves my
conjecture that your programming has been corrupted by a
buttload of human error.
TOM: Preposterous.
[Crow's computer beeps.]
MIKE: Looks like you have a couple dozen messages waiting, Crow.
CROW: Yeah, hold on. Hey, all 23 of my auctions have ended -- and
they all received bids!
MIKE: Yeah, but it says here you offered everyone free shipping.
Won't that kind of negate your entire profit?
CROW: Yeah, maybe. Oh, well. I guess it's time to start packing you
up, Tom. Wouldn't want to jeopardize my perfect user rating.
TOM: Wait, you sold ALL of me?
CROW: Yeah, I wasn't anticipating this much demand.
TOM: Including ME?
CROW: Yes, "Tom Servo, original, some wear and tear," won by
batlbots78 for the minimum bid of $3.00. He's already paid
me with PayPal and everything.
MIKE: I thought all your Servos had a starting bid of $5.
CROW: Well, Mr. Fair Condition here wasn't moving at that price so
I had to bring it down some. Now, I also promised instant
shipping, so if you could just hop into this box here...
TOM: Never! I protest! I'll report you! I'll have your selling
privileges revoked!
CROW: How did I know you were going to kick up a fuss? Mike, could
you hold that box open?
[Mike picks up a cardboard box, which is Tom-sized.]
MIKE: This one? There isn't much room for packing material.
CROW: So what if he gets a little scuffed in transport? The buyer
didn't even buy insurance.
[He starts to push Tom into the box.]
CROW: Now stop struggling or this will hardly be worth the $2.35 I
make off the deal after eBay takes its cut.
TOM: No! This cannot be! I am the prototype! I am the prototype!
[Crow manages to force Tom into the box, whereupon Mike closes it up
and applies tape to seal it. We can still hear Tom's muffled shouts
of indignation.]
CROW: More tape, I can still hear the whining.
MIKE: Well, Crow, I'd say you win. Congratulations!
CROW: Win what?
[Castle Forrester.]
DR.F: Ahh, Mike. One down, three to go, eh?
[There is the sound of yet another lightbulb being dropped.]
OBSERVER: [out of frame] That wasn't me!
DR.F: As you can hear, the remodeling continues unabated. [calls off]
Umm, Professor Bobo? I thought I took you off lightbulb detail.
[Bobo steps into frame carrying a tray full of lightbulbs of different
shapes, sizes and colors.]
BOBO: You did. I was just looking at all the pretty designs. [picks
one up] Look at this one. It looks like a tear drop. [fumbles
it] Oops.
DR.F: Fascinating. I'm near tears myself, you know. Tell you what,
why don't you hand me that tray--
BOBO: But the pretty--
DR.F: NOW.
[Bobo flinches and hastily thrusts the tray at Dr. Forrester before
he can grasp it. The whole box crashes to the floor.]
OBSERVER: [out of frame] I'm not picking that up.
DR.F: No one's asking you to! [to Bobo] You, however...
BOBO: [instinctively cowering] Don't hit me!
[Dr. Forrester picks up a whisk broom and dustpan and shoves them into
Bobo's hands.]
BOBO: Oh, okay.
[Bobo bends down out of frame to sweep up the glass. Dr. Forrester
turns his attention to the camera.]
DR.F: As you can see I have my hands full here, which will
unfortunately delay the second installment of Hasselhoffian
agony I had planned for you today. Too bad, I was really
looking forward to driving you insane and seeing your will to
live shattered into a million pieces. But take my word for it,
when you least expect it--
[Bobo pops up holding the dustpan, which is now full of colorful
glass shards.]
BOBO: All done!
DR.F: Excellent.
[Dr. Forrester takes it and deposits the shards in a bowl. He walks
off for a moment and returns with a carton of milk and a spoon. He
pours milk into the bowl and hands the spoon to Bobo.]
DR.F: There you go.
BOBO: Uh... I don't... er...
DR.F: Come on. It has such pretty shapes and colors. It looks just
like candy.
BOBO: Now that you mention it, it sort of does, but...
DR.F: There's a good boy. Dig in. I insist.
BOBO: Don't you want me to push the button or...
DR.F: I'll take care of that. Eat up.
[He hands the bowl to Bobo, who eyes it warily. Dr. Forrester grins
malevolently as he pushes the button.]
\ | /
\ | /
---o---
/ | \
/ | \
<fwshhhh>
MSTed by Kevin Pease <ma...@cerulean.st>
and Craig J. Clark <cjc...@earthlink.net>
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, and other
such things are copyright 1994 Best Brains, Inc. This MSTing is not
authorized, endorsed, or supported by anyone, but why should we let that
stop us? This article may be freely distributed as long as this notice
remains intact.
> REV
> I don't need a Wizard of Oz car putting
> me behind the eight ball for nothing!