[MiSTing] "The Cartoons Combined" THE SPECIAL EDITION
Tjats
Turn down your lights (if you want to)
In the not-too-distant future
On the Satelite of Love
Mike Nelson and his robot pals
Are in orbit above:
The planet Earth, this century
Where Pearl Forrester sends them all misery
She finds bad fanfics right off the street
And she'll send them up to Mike until he bows down to her feet!
(Mike: Make it stop!)
"I'll send him cheesy stories,
The worst I can find!(lalala)
He'll have to sit and watch them all,
And I'll monitor his mind!(lalala)"
Now keep in mind Mike can't control
Which fanfic she'll send him next.(lalala)
He'll try and suffer through them all,
With the help of his robot friends!
ROBOT ROLL CALL
CAMBOT!("Hit it")
GYPSY!("Oh, my!")
TOM SERVO!("Find my eyes, I dare ya!")
CROOOOOOW!("You know you want me, baby!")
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other science facts,
Go get a degree physics,
or really just relax!
for Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000!
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL int.] Mike and Crow are behind the counter.
MIKE: Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Satelite of Love. Right now, we're
recovering
from the horrors of "The Phantom Planet", and--
[Servo rushes in enthusiastically]
SERVO[energetic]: Hi, everyone! I'm Tom Servo! Today is a special, *special*
day!
CROW[annoyed]: No, it's not.
SERVO[*very* energetic, he starts to shake a little]: Shut up, *SHUT UP*!!!!!
Today
is March 22, and you know what that means!
MIKE[annoyed]: No, we don't.
SERVO[he's shaking very violently now]: YES YOU DO!!! Today is
Show-Off-Your-Signed-
Underwear-Collection Day! Yaaaaaaay!
MIKE: Servo, you're the only one in the universe that hs a signed underwear
collection!
How does that make today a holiday?
SERVO[breaking down]: Well...I just...um...
[Servo starts to cry.]
CROW[disaproving]: Oh, look at what you did to him, Mike! He was building a
whole artificial
dreamworld around him focusing on his favorite hobby, and you threw up all over
it!
Good one, Nelson!
-commercial sign-
MIKE: Me? How did I do anything? I just said a few things about his
underwear collection...?
[commercials]
[SOL int.] Servo is still crying on Mike's shoulder. Mike is holding him very
tenderly,
with loving care.
-mads sign-
MIKE: Pearl and the Beastie Boys are calling.
[Mike pushes the button.]
[Castle Forrester] Pearl and Observer are finishing unpacking and Bobo has
fallen asleep on
top of one of the boxes.
PEARL: Hi, Mike. It's me, the illustrious Pearl Forrester. I don't have time
to chat, we've
got to finish unpacking my lab equipment and specimine jars. Unfourtunately,
in all this
confusion, I've lost my collection of bad movies---
[SOL] Mike pops the cork on a wine bottle. He fills up his, Crow's, Tom's and
Gypsy's glasses.
The 'Bots are cheering
MIKE: No more bad movies!
CROW: You thought you could beat us, huh?
SERVO: Ha, ha, Mrs. F! Too bad!
[Castle Forrester]
PEARL[ominously]: But I *didn't* lose my collection of bad stories and
fanfiction!
You'll just have to read those instead! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
[Lightning crashes outside.]
[SOL] Mike and the 'Bots look on in terror. The wine fizzes over the brim of
the bottle
and trickles down the side, over Mike's hand.
[CF]
PEARL: Your story this week is called "The Cartoons Combined!" Don't enjoy!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
[Lightning crashes outside. Observer bends down and grabs one end of a very
long box.]
OBSERVER: Uh, Pearl, could you help me?
PEARL: HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
OBSERVER: Pearl?
PEARL: HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
OBSERVER: PEARL!!!!
PEARL: HAHAHAH--uh, right.
[Pearl goes to the other end of the box and grabs it.]
PEARL: On three...one, two, three!
[Pearl and Observer pick up the box, grunting and heaving while carrying the
box off to
stage left. The don't make it off-screen before they trip over Bobo, who is
still napping
on the floor. The box breaks open on the floor, and live spiders crawl out,
attacking Bobo.]
BOBO: Oh, no! Not again! Ooh, ooh! Owie!
[Pearl, who has fallen to the floor with Observer, picks up a spider and hits
Bobo on the
head with it.]
[SOL]
-movie sign-
ALL: WE GOT SHORT STORY SIGN!!!!!!!!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[All enter the theater]
>The Cartoons Combined!
MIKE: What's the exclamation for?
>Writen by Steven Whaley
>
>Once upon a time
SERVO: Or not.
> there was a flock of cartoon characters
CROW: A flock? Are they all Birdman clones?
MIKE and SERVO: BIIIIIIIRD-MAN!
> named Sen and Rimpy
MIKE[as Ren]: You eediot! You put us in a superhero story!
> Barkfield, Matman and Bluejay,
SERVO: Oh, I suppose the Dark Knight makes nice woven tapestries now.
> Underachiever Man,
CROW: I wonder if this is self insertion?
SERVO: Sounds goood to me!
> and the X-Ray men; Windy, Yclopse, Dogarine, Trudy, Feast,
>Gamble, Monsterous, and Proffessor X-Ray,
MIKE: I sense about 10,000 law suits pending.
> and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Hampsters
[All snicker]
> Purple, Orange, Red, and Blue.
SERVO: Oh, *that's* origional.
>One morning Sen and Rimpy said, "Where on Earth
ALL: Is Carmen Sandiego?
> is Powdered Toast Man?" Then Barkfield said, "Maybe he overslept
>like I do sometimes." Then Windy asked Yclopse,
CROW[as Windy]: Could you get off me?
MIKE[as Chef]: But I need some sweet lovin'!
> "What are you doing with that marmalade?"
[Crow opens his mouth to say something, but Mike clamps it shut.]
>"I'm blasting out the bits," he answered.
ALL[deadpan]: Ha ha ha ha that's funny.
>Meanwhile,
CROW: -gasp- A *while* is being *mean*! Ha, ha, ha!
MIKE: Crow, that's just stupid.
CROW: I couldn't help myself.
> Jugerot, an enemy of the X-Ray Men, broke into a bank and held it
>up. He held it up, all right!
MIKE[southern accent]: He really held it up, don't ya know?
>He picked up the whole building.
>He turned it upside down and shook out all the money.
CROW[as Bill Cosby]: Gimme yer dough.
>He also found an extra ticket to Miami, which fell out of someone's
>pocket.
>"Ooh,"
MIKE[as Jugerot, Cookie Monster voice]: A cookie.
> said Jugerot, "I'm going to save this for later."
>Then the X-Ray men, Matman, Bluejay, Underachiever Man,
MIKE: Oh, no! We're back to the begining where they're all being introduced!
CROW and SERVO: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
> and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Hamsters heard an alarm.
MIKE: So where did Sen, Rimpy and Barkfield go?
SERVO: They ran in terror once they saw where this story was headed.
CROW: To the dumpster, or the paper shredder?
>"Forget about breakfast. We have a crook to catch," said
>Bluejay.
SERVO: How did he know it was a crook alarm?
CROW: Yeah, maybe it was just a movie sign.
MIKE: I'd take the crook any day.
>Then Yclopse said, "Hey, that's my line!"
MIKE: When was *this* established?
>Then Bluejay looked at the script
CROW: Script? I don't think so.
> "oops. Sorry." he said.
SERVO: I won't even begin to point out the fatal punctuation errors in that
scentence.
>The superheroes rushed out the door and jumped on Matman's flying
>carpet.
MIKE and SERVO[singing]: A whole new world...
CROW: They all could fit onto a flying carpet?
SERVO[as Matman]: I think I overbooked the flight.
>"To the bank," Matman cried.
CROW: Why is he crying? Did he stub his toe?
MIKE: I don't know.
>When they got there, Jugerot was gone.
SERVO: The end.
>Then Trudy said, "It won't be too hard to find him. Look!"
CROW[as Trudy]: There he is!
>There was a path of disaster right down the road leading to the mall.
>"Uh-oh", said Windy, I hope he doesn't spend all that money on
>clothes. I heard they were very expensive these days.
MIKE: So, all of a sudden she's sympathetic for the villian?
>When they got to the mall, there was no sign of Jugerot.
>Then Yclopse said, "Let's split up."
CROW[as a super hero]: But then I'll be in two pecies.
>Then Orange said "I'll check out the pizza parlor."
MIKE[as stupid Orange]: 'Cuz I like pizza.
>And then he started walking toward the pizza parlor untill he stopped
>and turned around.
>"Uh, can anyone spare a few bucks?"
CROW: We'll give you anything you want! Just leave!
>"Here you go," said Blue. "I was saving it for a special occasion,
>but so what?"
MIKE[puzzled]: He was saving *two dollars* for a special occasion.
CROW: It can build up .02 cents in interest after Five years.
>Then all of the superheroes
SERVO: Blew up.
>turned around and split up.
MIKE: But if they all turn around, they'll all be heading in the same
direction.
CROW: Never bring science into these things, Mike.
>At the pizza parlor,
SERVO: They make pizzas.
> Orange was eating a pizza untill Underachiever Man fell through the
>roof and landed on his pizza!
CROW: So Underachiever Man had a pizza, too?
MIKE: That's the way the story reads.
>"Yo, dude!" said Orange. "What are you doing here?"
SERVO[as U.M.]: Uh...landing on pizzas?
>"You know how my landings are," said Underachiever Man.
MIKE: They're always underachieved.
>Meanwhile, at the jewelry store,
CROW: Uh, oh! That while is getting mean again! Ha, ha, ha!!!
MIKE[to himself]: It's better than him making dirty comments, I suppose.
> Jugerot was making a big commotion.
SERVO[as Jugerot]: You stupid idiot! I asked you to inscribe "I love you,
PAM"
into the watch, not SPAM! "I love you, SPAM"?!?
>The store manager yelled "STOP THAT THIEF!"
>Then Matman and Bluejay showed up on Matman's flying carpet.
ALL[singing]: A whole new world!
MIKE: Okay, guys. Let's stop doing that.
>"What are you doing here?" asked Jugerot.
>"Stopping you," answered Bluejay.
MIKE: Stupid question.
>"Give us those diamonds," said Matman.
>"Do you think I would make it that easy?" said Jugerot.
>"No," said Matman, "I was just checking."
CROW[as Matman]: Answer stupid question, check. Say something stupid, check.
Make some nice knitted mats for the Saintsville Orphanage, check.
>Suddenly, Underachiever Man crashed through the window with
>Orange on his back.
SERVO[as Blue]: Hey, man, would you give me a piggyback next?
MIKE[as Red]: No! Me!
CROW[as Purple]: Me! I'm next!
>Then Orange said, "You're no match for us, dude!"
MIKE[as Orange]: 'Cuz we perfer lighters!
>Oh, yeah?" said Jugerot. A few seconds later, Magnet-O and
>Aknuckalips (two criminals) crashed through the roof.
SERVO: Things are that bad that the writer has to call on more cheesy X-Men
villians?
>"We have you now," said Magnet-O.
>Then the rest of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Hampsters
MIKE: Were left unatended with their cage dooor open, and they all scurried
away,
never to be seen again.
> and the X-Ray Men ran through the door.
>"Correction," said Yclopse.
SERVO: The writer should take the time to look up synonyms for the word
"said".
>"We have you!"
>Magnet-O was about to start magnetizing the X-Ray Men when Sen,
>Rimpy
CROW: Shouldn't we make fun of that name?
MIKE: Just let it be.
> and Barkfield crashed through the door.
>"All of you stop destroying my store!" said the store manager.
SERVO: Mr. Hooper's back, and this time, he's pissed.
>"Or I'll call the police and they'll arrest all of you!"
>"Can't you do that right now?" asked Dogarine.
CROW[as manager]: Okay, you and your superhero buddies are under arrest! The
three villians
can leave.
SERVO[as Dogarine]: D'oh!
>"OK," said the store manager.
MIKE[as Dogarine]: I wasn't serious!
>"I have an idea. Listen," said Blue. "Whisper, whisper, whisper,
>whisper, whisper. Got it?"
CROW[as superhero]: So you want us to whisper? Is that right?
>Then Dogarine yelled to Magnet-O,
SERVO[as Dogarine]: WHISPER!!!!
>"Na na na na naaa na!"
SERVO: How do we read that?
MIKE: I don't know.
CROW: I don't care.
>Then Magnet-O got angry and shot his magnetism out at Dogarine.
>Quickly, Dogarine stood behind Aknuckalips. Then Magnet-O said,
>"Uh, oh," because Aknuckalips was comming right towards him!
MIKE: Why?
SERVO: He's magnetizing.
CROW: But Jugerot is the one with the metal armor!
>Bang!
SERVO: And they're off! Snoopy is out to a fast start followed by Silver
Bullet and
Bluegrass Boogie, and Daddy's Little Girl is briging up the rear!
>Aknuckalips' suit was too much metal to push off Magnet-O, so they
>fell to the ground. Then Jugerot said, "You'll never catch me!"
MIKE[America's Funniest People voice]: Fast as fast can be! Hahahahaha!
>"On the contrary," said Windy. "We've already got you."
SERVO[as superhero]: Then why is he running out the door?
MIKE[as Windy]: D'oh!
>"Huh?" said Jugerot. Then Monsterous tore off Jugerot's helmet.
>"Look at this," said Gamble. Then he threw his cards on the table.
>"A royal flush! That beats any hand you may have!"
CROW: So all of a sudden they're playing poker?!?!
>"Wow!" said Jugerot. "How did you do that?"
>"Easy," said Gamble.
SERVO[as Gamble]: I payed the author twelve bucks.
>"Like this," Gamble took out one of his cards and threw it at Jugerot.
>Jugerot fell to the floor. The stolen jewelry, money, and plane ticket
>to Miami fell out of his pockets.
MIKE: It's nice to know *that* survived this whole ordeal.
>Then the police arived. The police said, "Good work, guys! But we
>don't have anything to repay you with."
SERVO: All the policemen said that?
MIKE: If you read this story to the letter, yes.
>"Well, you don't really need to give us anything," said Blue.
>"Except the ticket to Miami," said Purple.
>"I'll send you all to Miami," said the store manager. "Just get out of
>my store!"
CROW: Not a very good way to greet customers, is it?
>"But who's going to pay for the damage?" said Feast.
>"Just take it out of Magnet-O's account," said Trudy.
CROW: Who is Trudy supposed to be a spoof of?
>"Good idea!" said Yclopse.
SERVO: Wait a minute. What did *they* do in this story?
>"By the way," said Barkfield. "Do they have lasagna in Miami?"
>Then Sen said, "All you do is eat, eat, eat, man!"
MIKE[as Sen]: And all I got in this story was ONE LINE, man!
>THE END
SERVO: Finaly!
[Mike picks up Servo and they all leave the theater]
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL int.] Mike and co. are on the bridge. Servo is dressed in a Batman face
mask, and
a carpet is draped around his body. Mike is dressed as Jugernought. Crow
isn't wearing
anything.
MIKE: Okay, Servo, what's the plan?
SERVO: Mike, you are the villian from today's story. All you have to do is
walk around
and growl. Crow and I will come in and kick your scrawny butt, and by that
time, the
episode will be over with.
MIKE: Uh, okay.
[The 'Bots scamper off camera to the right.]
MIKE[deadpan]: Grrr. I am the evil Jugerot. Beware me.
[Servo and Crow make a dramatic entrance.]
SERVO[superheroish]: Ta-da! Jugerot, your powers are nothing! I am the
mighty MATMAN!!!!!!
Watch out, or I will hang you on a line out in the yard and beat you with a
tenis racket
until you are clean!
CROW[superheroish]: And I am Underachiever Man! I have the amazing power of
doing nothing
important at all!
MIKE[villainish]: Where is your costume?
CROW[superheroish]: I am too lazy to make my own costume!
SERVO[super-you get the idea]: We will beat you, I am sure!
[Servo runs toward Mike and his springy arms attempt powerful punches, all the
while Servo
makes grunting noises with each hit he tries. Crow leaves during this and
comes back in
reading People Magazine.]
MIKE[villain]: You are a weak little human! You can do nothing to hurt me!
SERVO: Uh, Underachiever Man, a little help?
CROW[superhero]: Allas! I wish I could, but my powers prevent me from using
even a small
ounce of my strength!
[Mike pushes Servo away. We hear a crash.]
-mads sign-
MIKE: I am victorious!
[Castle Forrester] Pealr and Observer are lying on top of dozzens of boxes,
exhausted from
all the unpacking.
PEARL[tired]: Brain Guy?
OBSERVER[tired]: Yes?
PEARL[tired]: Where did we get all this stuff?
OBSERVER[tired]: I don't know. It just appeared...
[Bobo enters eating a burrito.]
BOBO: Oh, goodie! All my stuff from the year 2525 just arrived!
[He starts to open one of the boxes Pearl and Observer are lying on. They look
upon him with
utter hatred.]
BOBO: Oh, look! [he pulls out a stuffed bear] My little teddy-bear!
PEARL[tired]: Brain Guy? Could you be a dear and eliminate Bobo from this and
all universes?
OBSERVER[tired]: Yes, madam.
[Observer gets up and walks toward Bobo. Bobo holds up a framed,
black-and-white picture
of his family.]
BOBO: And my old family photo!
[Observer does that sound.]
[Cut to black]
BOBO: AAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
[love theme]
written by: Jim Whaley
"The Cartoons Combined" written by: Steven Whaley
featuring:
Mike Nelson: Michael J. Nelson
Crow: Bill Corbett
Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy
Gypsy: Patrick Brantseg
also featuring:
Pearl Forrester: Mary Jo Pehl
Observer: Bill Corbett
Bobo: Kevin Murphy
All MST3K related characters and situations are trademarks of Best Brains, Inc.
No insults are intentionaly made to anyone.
MST3K created by Joel Hodgson
thanks to:
Best Brains, Inc.
All you people who love to laugh
c1998 by Jim whaley
tj...@aol.com
[stinger]
>"Uh-oh," said Windy, "I hope he doesn't spend all that money on
>clothes. I heard they were very expensive these days."
***SNEEK PEEK***
NEXT TIME ON SCIENCE FICTION THEATER 1,000,000,000!
SFT1B SEASON ONE: THE SPECIAL EDITION!
>"Off-Road Brawl"
---
>I'll plant the bomb and blow them all
>to bits! Hahaha.
[Mike does the Krankor laugh]
---
>SLICK
>Mine's Nick T. Slick. But you
>can just call me Slick.
SERVO: How origonal.
---
>FIONA
>What's Sum doing with a bomb?
CROW: Uh...killing people, perhaps?
Episode 102: Off-Road Brawl
THE SPECIAL EDITION!
NEXT TIME ON SCIENCE FICTION THEATER 1,000,000,000!
Jim, that Mistie
"This is where the fish lives."
"I KNOW!"
"I'm cahmeeng!"
"Nay, faith, let not me play a woman, I have a beard coming." -Flute the
bellows-mender
"Dreams are like TV for the mind." -me